Life in B Minor
by jaxington
Summary: All Human. Edward and Bella can't seem to get it together. Through music, love, babies, and angst they may finally figure it out.
1. Chapter 1

I was in the world's most comfortable bed. Firm enough to support the back, squishy enough to make one relax instantly, supplemented with an excess of down pillows and comforters. It was a bed that, ten years ago, I frequented nightly. I loved this bed, falling into it nightly and unwillingly leaving it every morning.

Though I immediately recognized the bed, my sleep fogged brain struggled to grasp the how and why I was there. This bed, my favorite place in the world, the answer to that age old questions "if you could bring one this to a desert island, what would it be," was not mine, Most unfortunately, as I slowly tuned into reality, I remembered the owner of this bed.

I groaned as the events of the previous day returned. The reunion, the laughter, the dancing.

Keeping my eyes closed I strategized, figuring out how to deal with the horrible situation I was in. I was lying on my back, the cool breeze of the air conditioner tickled my naked torso. There was a pressure weighing down on my belly. A warm, steady breath grazed my navel. A arm was wrapped around my waist,

Escape was not going to be easy or go undetected

Mustering all my courage, I opened my eyes, facing what can only be described as one of the biggest mistakes of my life. And there he was, sprawled across my body, sleeping soundly. His copper, tussled hair fanning out around his face, concealing his strong jaw and crooked nose, He was my soul mate, the love of my life, the father of my child. And I hadn't seen him in nearly six years.

Ignoring the overwhelming peace that spread through me, I gently pushed myself onto my elbows while attempting to side out from under him. But, most unfortunately, Mr. Soul Mate was not a light sleeper. I froze; my escape plan foiled, and stared into to those achingly familiar, rich green eyes. He smiled his charming crooked smile, pressed his sculpted lips to mine, and that was it. Nothing had changed. I stopped thinking, forgot our years of separation, and focused on Edward.

~*~*~

Now

"Nessie!" I called from the foot of stairs in my modest California home, "you better get down here right now if you are planning on eating before you go to school. "

It was a Monday morning. I hated Monday mornings.

"2 minutes! I am just listening to the end of Dad's new CD," my charming ten-year-old daughter called down to me from her bedroom. At the mention of her father my mood got even blacker. I roughly grabbed my cup of coffee, downed it in on scalding hot gulp, and wished it were something harder.

Even the allusion of his existence still brought butterflies to my stomach. It was pathetic, countless years later I was still enthralled with someone I would never have.

It was always worse when he would release a new album. They were always so good. Nessie didn't know I had stolen her pre-released copy last night and cried myself to sleep.

Jake didn't know either.

"Nessie!" I called again in an attempt to distract myself. "Seriously, I have a big meeting this morning that I will not be late for. I am not apposed to letting you starve." I was trying my best to do a stern mom voice, but I still hadn't perfected it.

'Jeeze Mom," my daughter said as she breezed into the kitchen, her brown eyes sparkling and her copper ringlets bouncing, "We have like ten minutes. Do we have any Cinnamon Toast Crunch or did Jake finish it?"

"I just bought a new box," I replied, reaching above her head into the pantry where the cereal was kept.

"Thanks mom!" She said enthusiastically. I smiled. My daughter had such a natural zest for life. Everything excited her, whether it was finding a particularly smooth rock on the beach or being severed Shirley Temples at the swankiest venues in LA, Nessie loved it all. "So today at school we are starting our unit on bugs, isn't that cool mom? We are going to get some cocoons for the class and they are going to grow into butterflies and then we all get to make our very owe terry-ums."

"Terrariums honey," I corrected her as she paused for one of her few breaths. I don't know how someone so talkative came from someone as quiet as Edward.

Gah, I thought his name. Now my stomach would be off all day. This was not a good way to start the week.

"Right that. And they are made out of two soda bottles that I have in my backpack and in the bottom we get a fish and in the top we have some plants. Oh and some bugs. Grasshoppers! And then we get to bring them home—"

"Nessie eat, we really need to go. You don't want to be late for your first day of the bug unit do you?" I leaned down and kissed her nose that was so like her fathers and she progressed to shovel Cinnamon Toast Crunch down her throat at an alarming rate.

I sighed; there it was no use telling Nessie anything. If I pointed out that eating so fast would probably earn her a stomachache, she would shrug me off and continue. She was always one to learn her own lessons and make her own mistakes.

I finished putting the breakfast dishes away as Nessie ate with a single mindedness that was a part of everything she did. With the quick, efficient movements of someone long accustom to the reunion, I loaded the dishwasher, handed Nessie her lunch as she packed her backpack, and took care of some last minute e-mails on my blackberry that needed to be addressed before I made it to work that morning.

If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be so good at this single parent thing, I would have laughed in their face and told them I would never, ever, ever be having kids. At least not until I was 35. Well I was still a solid 7 years away from that mark and I was doing pretty ok.

"Mom?" Nessie said in her i-want-something-that-i-know-you-won't-like voice of hers as she strapped herself in the back of my BMW. "I know it makes you angry but could you do this one little thing for me because you're my mommy and I love you?"

She learned at the ripe old age of 5 that her stunning eyes and natural charm could get her a long way. I almost felt bad about releasing her on the male population one day. Almost.

"What is it darling daughter?" I asked as I slid my Channel sunglasses over my eyes and backed the car out of the driveway.

"Can we please listen to Dad's CD on the way to school? It is so good, better then the last one, I think you will really like it."

I glanced at my daughter in the rear view mirror. She was pleading with her eyes and holding out the latest and possibly most brilliant to date, Coven album. My heart turned over. I wanted to hear it, hear his voice, and drive myself crazy trying to figure out what his lyrics meant.

I hated myself for wanting to, but I didn't have the energy to fight him or Nessie. Without a word I reached back, grabbed the demon disk, and popped it into the CD changer to the elated squeals and applause of Nessie.

My hands gripped the steering wheel tighter as I braced myself for his voice.

The opening cords of Seth's floaty guitar filled the car and it was soon accompanied by his voice. As usual, all the empty places inside of me seemed to fill up at the sound of it. So beautiful, so passionate, so tortured.

So Edward.

I couldn't help but smile as Nessie's voice joined her fathers. I closed my eyes at the next red light and pretended for a moment that he was in the car beside me. I knew I would pay for this fantasy later, when reality came back and I remembered that love is not the cure all, end all I once thought it would be. For this car ride I just enjoyed the music and let myself escape.


	2. Chapter 2

My job was not easy. In fact it was down right exhausting. Hollywood is a very temperamental town and Sawn Records was not exempt from this generalization.

I worked for the recording company my Dad started right after my mom left him and he was forced to realize that his dream of being the next Bob Dylan was not going to happen. He built the company from the ground up, frequenting local venues and small bars. And then he made it big, discovering Because of Douglas, a band so huge they tour in Japan and the people know their songs. That and they have had six records go platinum several times.

I have to give it to Charlie though, he really has retained his integrity. He keeps it as much about the music as he can while still managing to cater to a pop culture world that seems to crave the next hot young thing that wants to ride the disco stick.

Charlie agreed to give me a job as an intern when I turned 18 and suddenly had a baby to raise and a boyfriend who refused to let me use my trust fund to support us. I was shockingly good at this though, making music the best it could be. Tweaking something till it was perfect, making magic from the sound booth.

It had taken me four short years to reach the top, but by the time I was 22 Charlie made me his partner.

So now I was a big wig LA music producer and I loved it.

"Morning Angela," I said in greeting to my assistant/old friend as I grabbed the coffee she held out to me without breaking off the heated phone conversation she was conducting.

I raised my eyebrow to indicate my interest in the caller as I took a tentative sip of my coffee. My mouth was already a bit burned from this morning's incident.

"Luke Moore's people" She mouthed as she covered the mouthpiece with her hand.

I rolled my eyes. Luke Moore was our latest teen idol heart throb. We had signed him for his killer voice and his surprising composition talent, overlooking his man whore tendencies and parting habits. We obviously made a mistake because dear Mr. Moore was now in jail after a underage girl ODed on his heroin.

"Yes I understand that sir, but Luke will be in jail for as little as 3 years! That is an obvious breach of contract." Angela was saying. "No you can't talk to Ms. Sawn, she is not available. And she has already discussed the issue with you on several occasions."

I waved to Angela and moved into my office. I was once again glad I had her, she was the best personal assistant I had ever seen and she could handle nearly any crazy situation the music industry threw at her. And there were a lot of them.

I sat down at my large mahogany desk and flicked on my computer monitor. I checked my e-mail again before going over my day in my head. We were signing several new bands in the coming weeks and I had shows to plan, contracts to discuss, and dreams to make. That took up the majority of my morning.

I had a meeting with Eminem at 2 followed by a recording secession with The Red Hot Chili Peppers for their new album that I was personally producing. All that and I absolutely needed to leave the office by 6 to make it to the special dinner Alice and Nessie were cooking for Jasper's birthday.

I was just cursing myself forgetting to get him a present when my dad strolled in for our morningly meet and greet.

"Bella," He said in greeting as he sat across from me and crossed his legs like he did every morning.

"Hey Dad, are you ready for the Brand New Day negotiation? Did you hear that they lost their drummer and have made a last minute replacement? I want to hear them all together before anything gets signed. I was thinking Paul could take them into the studio for a demo."

"Yes, yes. That sounds like a plan. Though the lead singer, Bobby? Buddy? Whatever, is the real talent there so I am not that worried."

We continued to talk shop for a few minutes before we asked me the inevitable.

"Did you hear their new album? I am sure Edward gave Nessie a pre-released copy." His name. I treasured hearing his name as much as I dreaded it. It was like a sick validation that proved to me that I didn't make him up. That he still existed beyond the context of our time together. I craved others acknowledging him beyond all things.

"Yea, I heard it. It is as great as all the rumors say. It made me cry."

Charlie frowned. He didn't like the thought of me crying. Or Edward for that matter.

"Are you ok Bells? The last time the came out with a CD you flew to Mexico for two weeks with that repulsive actor."

"I am fine Dad, and I am in a much better place now. Jake and I are great and there is absolutely no reason for me to be upset. I am happy for him, happy for his success." I had being lying to myself and everyone else for so long about my apathetic feelings for Edward that they were bound to come true one of these days.

"Alright," Charlie concluded, patting his thigh twice as he always did to signify the end of a meeting, "That negation is at 10 right?" He asked as he rose and made his way to the door.

"Yup" I replied, turning my attention back to my Mac.

"Oh and what time do I have to be at Alice's?"

"7" I said, barely hearing him. I had been sent an e-mail from Catlin Boyd's lawyer about her upcoming tour and was not pleased.

"Right, ok. I might be a little late. I have to pick up Collin from his guitar lesson."

I nodded and waved to my dad; suddenly remembering a long time ago when I had to pick up a different little boy from his guitar lesson.

~*~*~

12 years ago

I lifted my Ray Bans and studied the address before I got out of my car. My aunt had scribbled the location of my cousin's guitar lesson on a bright blue post-it as she rushed me out the door to pick him up. The address matched but the building did not seem right. I was parked in front of a worn down condo complex in a rather seedy part of town. An unlikely location for a lesson for a boy with an insanely rich uncle, but apparently Mr. C was the best.

I tromped up the cracked sidewalk, stomping on the weeds that poked through and falling into the old habit of pretending to be on a catwalk. This was something I had been doing sense I was a kid attempt to look even a little bit graceful while walking in a straight.

I knocked briskly on the front door and it was soon opened by a haggard looking, middle aged women.

"Hi, I am Bella," she eyed me suspiciously as I introduced myself. Understandable really. I was a bit glammed out for this particular errand, but what can I say. I just put on what Alice told me to.

"I am Mrs. C,"

"Is Robbie done with his lesson?" She was continuing to eye me in a way that made me wish I traded my designer mini dress for some sweats. Damn Alice and her perpetual desire to dress me up. Since we were young I had been her dress up Barbie.

"They aren't done yet. You can wait here." She stepped back a gestured to several chairs that lined the entryway.

I took a seat as she retreaded into the hall of the small condo. Crossing my legs, I took out my cell phone. Ignoring a text from my boyfriend Mike that simply said "Sex?" I decided to pass the time with a quick round of Tetris.

And that's when I heard the music. Spacey guitar drones were accompanied by a lively funk beat, and full, vibrant voice. I could not quite make out what they were playing and the melodies seemed to come from outside.

I rose, drawn to the haunting sounds coming from beyond the walls of the condo. My curiosity got the best of me as I found myself sneaking through the C's small, sparsely decorated condo, compelled to move forward by the unseen source of engaging music. If there was one thing I couldn't resist, it was discovering and obsessing over new music.

This passion for music undoubtedly came from my father. Though he is now a famous producer, he once had a humble appreciation of music, traveling with my mother and jamming with his fellow dirty hippies. They finally settled in Colorado with the surprise conception of Alice and then, two years later, myself. At an early age, we were raised to worship his hero's, The Grateful Dead, Bob Dylan, and other rock gods of his youth. He also taught us how to play. Alice and I both inherited his intuitive talent, picking up guitar quickly. Music is the one thing I have always been good at. Before being peer pressured into quitting, I played piano and cello in the middle school orchestra. I still dabble in the classic instruments, unbeknownst to my friends.

A door at the end of the hall led me to an open cement courtyard at the back of the complex. Glancing over my shoulder out of a ridiculous fear of being caught by the judgmental Mrs. C, I slid the door open and stepped into the California sun.

I saw them at the far end of the courtyard. They seemed to be passionately performing just for me. The bass player was a tall, wolfish boy with a buzz cut that was simultaneously jumping up and down and flinging his head back and forth. The drummer was a huge, burly boy who wore a blue Dodgers hat over his head of dark, springy curls that matched his worn, sleeveless jumpsuit while he rocked out with the driving beat. The skinny, adolescent rhythm guitar player was good, and he supported the rest of the band well. The front man though, was truly extraordinary and my eyes were glued to him as he crafted stunning rifts that flowed perfectly with his remarkable voice. The boy at the mic, who seemed to be my age, extolled to beauty of someone named Gloria while his fervor spilled over into his guitar playing. Eyes closed and shirtless, I couldn't help but notice his well-defined abs and the unruly copper hair that formed a messy halo around his head. I was entranced by his passion, and continued to move forward, determined to be close to this melodious god.

And then he opened his eyes and stared right into my own. They were a deep green and looking at them I felt a unfathomable sense of familiarity. It was like he knew me without meeting me ever before.

The song continued as he smiled at me. It took me a minute to notice the change in the words.

"Hey there pretty girl, your eyes are very big and bright, make my day and tell me your nameeeee" I laughed, not sure how to respond. Sing back perhaps? Would he even hear me with the amps right next to him?

As I was standing there, looking at those eyes and that charming crooked smile, someone rudely flicked my ear.

"Lets go, I am done." Robbie was glaring at me, tall and spectacularly ginger, he was all brooding teenager.

"Give me a minute," I replied. I was busy undressing Mr. Lead Singer with my eyes. Jessica, a member of my group of friends that basically dominated our high school, called it eye sex, though I had never been inspired to try it before now. Robbie was interrupting my moment.

"Stop gawking," he said, "you look like an idiot. It is embarrassing me."

"Chill out or your walking home," I smacked him on the back of the head. Unfortunately he had a good foot on me and began to drag me away from the inspiring music. As I finally turned to leave in defeat the music cut of.

"Hey hold on a second," the amplified voice called to me. Even without singing it was rich and velvety. "What's your name? Can I have your number?"

Amused and slightly perplexed at the upfront manner in which he expressed his interested, I decided to be a bit mysterious.

"I'll be at Club Onyx tonight. Maybe I will see you there?" I said as I turned to leave with Robbie. Being that I was feeling restless, I winked at Mr. Lead Singer as I departed.

As Robbie hauled me around the corner of the condo, his laughter and the beginning of another spacey song followed me.

~*~*~

"Babe," Mike slurred, "Why do you want to go home so early?" He was draped over my shoulders, trying to cop a feel as a forced him into a cab.

"You threw up on my 400$ shoes Mike." Drunk and horny, I was in a hurry to get rid of him. Though it may have been horrible seeing as I was his girlfriend and such I wanted nothing more then to ditch him in the seedy ally way behind the nightclub. It was 1:30 and Mr. Lead Singer failed to show. All I wanted to do was cozy down in my bed with a pint of Ben and Jerry's and a Jane Austen book.

"You not coming with me? Why Babe, come with me," Mike whined as he tried to force me into the cab with him.

"I'll get him home Bella, go party with The Groupies," Mikes friend Tyler climbed in after Mike, saving me the time and energy of dealing the drunken fool myself. The Groupies was the name given to my group of girl friends in the 8th grade. It was meant to be an insult, directed at us because we were rich and popular, but Jessica decided she liked it and the name stuck.

I was awkward and shy then. Charlie had just hit it big and transferred Alice and I from the public school to the swanky private school on the top of the hill when I was in 6th grade. Jessica and her best friends Lauren and Angela had ruled the school and made quick work out of ruining my life from the first day. I was quiet, clumsy, and awkward, easy prey for the torture of the elite. For two years I was their verbal, and occasionally physical, punching bag.

Then the summer before 8th grade, I found out about Phil. I spent two months picking up the pieces of my life and after that vowed to never be the helpless victim again. Through a swift campaign I set out to de-throne the Queen Bee, Jessica. Alice gave me a make over and I even let her take me shopping. With a new haircut, make-up, and designer clothes I confronted Jess head on while befriending the other girls. In a lunchtime standoff against Jess, the other girls sided with me and the four of us have been "best friends" ever since. The whole thing was very Mean Girls and the end result was a totally new Bella.

If only I could remember why that seemed so important to me once.

"Thanks Tyler, see you later," I turned to head back to where The Groupies stood outside the club, deliberating where to go next to get more intoxicated and dance more slutty.

And then I saw him, loitering by the dumpsters on the far side of the building, smiling his half smile that made me feel like there was some inside joke he had with himself that I was unaware of. I really wanted to know what put that crooked smile on his face.

"Bella, let us go. There are drinks to be dranken," Angela was a sloppy drunk. It was not something she like to do very often but gave in tonight at the pressure from Jessica and Lauren

"Angela, I am beat. I am just going to head home ok? You guys have fun," I said waving goodbye to the Groupies and their dates while peeling Angela's arms off my back.

"Alrighty, are you sure that you can drive bitch?" Lauren called. I assured everyone I was fine. After compiling to a walk in a straight-line sobriety test, they were convinced and on their way to the next venue.

As they stumbled down the street, I slowly made my way to Mr. Lead Singer, pacing myself to the Neil Young that was playing in my head. I studied his appearance and suppressed a giggle. On his head was a worn straw fedora that covered the top of his fly-away hair. He had paired his bright purple t-shirt that proclaimed his "tide freshness," with stunning chartreuse pants that had bee hacked off at mid- calf. For some unfathomable reason, this had me visually undressing him again, forcing me to focus on Neil's "Old Man" ballad to keep from drooling when I reached him.

I stopped a foot away and for a surprisingly un-awkward moment, we just stared at each other.

"Hello," I said, shy for the first time I can remember since my acceptance into The Groupies in 8th grade.

"You are more beautiful in the daylight, sunshine suits you." Dumbfounded and flattered I stood there waiting for him to go on.

"I am Edward," he said, sticking out his hand. For some reason this struck me as extremely funny in its formality.

"Bella," I choked out, suppressing my uncalled for laughter.

"Would you like to walk with me?" He asked. Humm, walking. Downtown. In the middle of the night with a complete stranger. Smart. Genius even.

"Ok," I said as I followed him, hardly surprised at my answer. Here I go, being all reckless and dangerous and dissatisfied with my life. I was sick of being a Groupie, sick of my superficial life. And this leap into the unknown was how I was dealing with.

"So what is Bella short for?"

"Excuse me?" I blinked at him as we strolled. He was a very slow walker and it was hard work for me to mosey like this. Despite my short legs, I moved quite fast.

"Bella, that has to be a nickname."

"Well technically it is Isabella. My mother is crazy." Renee decided to give Alice and I ridiculously old school names for no apparent reason.

"Oh I don't know, it seems to fit somehow. Edward is pretty old school too." At this point I should really have been regretting my decision to amble off with this obviously odd individual, but I was strangely honored by this assessment of my name. Plus it was like he read my mind and immediately understood my embarrassment. That and he was so beautiful. His face was prefect, like it was craved out of stone by some ancient Greek artist just to make me happy.

"I love your music," I blurted out, breaking all the rules of mysteriousness and flirtation.

He grinned, stuck his hands in his pockets and looked towards the stars.

"So do you want to go to this club I know? They play real love worthy music." He seemed almost as embarrassed as I was about my word vomit, as if he felt unworthy of my praise. I felt the blush flame on my face. Odd, I thought I broke this reaction years ago through sheer force of will. The revelation that this Edward character could make me blush both shocked and angered me.

Well if he was allows to call me beautiful, then I will damn well day I love his music. He could just deal with it. I mentally stuck my tongue out at him.

"Alrighty," I replied, trying to be nonchalant, ignoring the strange pull I was feeling for this strange individual.

"How the hell do you walk in those things?" I followed his gaze to my black pumps, cleaned of Mike-vomit.

"Amazing athletic ability. And an extreme aversion to looking up at everyone when they talk to me." Alice had stuck me in my first high heels in my preparation to infiltrate The Groupies. She made me wear them non-stop for a horrible two weeks until I could walk in them with ease. Though I sustained many minor injuries, it went a long way in curing me of my perpetual clumsiness. I still had my moments though.

"You are still looking up at me," he said, bringing my attention to his attractive height.

"Yes well, I am not straining my neck to do so." I grumbled, feeling guilty for the first time that the boy I was currently with was not my boyfriend.

"Do you dance?" I smiled at his question. I loved to dance. The plethora of dance classes I have taken since my youth fueled my addiction moving with music. That and they help cured me of my horrible clumsiness, along with the Alice Heels Project.

"I guess your going to find out huh?" I said back, finally getting some of my flirty shield back in place.

"Woah, big talk from the short girl." He teased. I could hardly believe it, he was making fun of me. That never happened. Angela would hurl the occasional wise crack at me, but praise and straight up brown nosing were more familiar forms of communication to me.

Our hands brushed as we turned a corner, sending a jolt to the tips to my toes. Chemistry, spark, attraction. Things I should feel towards my boyfriend. I felt guilty for not feeling guiltier about ditching Mike for Mr. Lead Singer, but I couldn't muster the energy to feel anything for Mike at the moment. It was a problem.

Placing a hand on the small of my back, Edward guided me to the door of an underground club called the Leech Pit. Raising an eyebrow, I sent him a look that clearly said, "Do you really see me going into something called the Leech Pit?"

"Trust me," he said. Talking a deep breath, I steadied myself and allowed him to steer me into new territory.

~*~*~

EPOV

It is funny the way life works. One minute you are rocking out in the California sun with your buddies, the next a she-devil is staring at you like you're sex on wheels. Bella Swan stalks in and the day gets a whole lot more interesting.

At first, I was surprised. There wasn't even a flicker of recognition in those big brown eyes. And I knew that we didn't talk, but come on. Fairfax High was not that big. I knew all about her and The Groupies. They really disgusted me, and not only in the obvious, pop culture, rich girl way. They were exactly what you would picture when thinking of the rich girl population of Southern California. Their complete lack of originally was nauseating. If I were a rich 16-year-old girl, I would really mix it up. Like Alice with her black hair and punk rock attitude.

I wasn't even on the social radar of the Fairfax elite.

And even knowing everything I did about her, I couldn't help but get sucked in. She really was beautiful, shining chocolate brown eyes, cute little nose, wet-dream inspiring lips.

Emmett punched me in the arm when she left but I couldn't resist expressing my interest in her, even if she was Alice's bitchy little sister. I was curious what she would say, what with that big shot boyfriend, the one who made the mistake of calling Rosalie a bitch. He sported that black eye for a solid two weeks after that debacle.

She really dazzled me then with that wide smile. Bella Swan surprised me again by telling me to meet her that night, rather then brushing me off like I assumed she did with most guys.

It was quite the debate, deciding whether or not to go. It took up the rest of band practice. Say what they might I knew what I was going to do from the get go.

She was exciting, a mystery. And if she truly didn't recognize me, then maybe I could figure out what made her tick.

If Bella really did have everything, then why were her eyes so sad?

So I went, of course. But I could not make myself go in. Not to a hip hop club so far out of my element. Not sure what to do, I waited by then entrance and distracted myself by writing limericks in my head.

There once was a rich, brown-eyed beauty

Who flirted with a strange sense of duty,

She charmed all the boys

Who gave her all their toys

Until she fell in love with Mikey the cutie.

Stupid Newton. There was another strike against Bella. She chose to keep the company of a really asshole.

She had to come out eventually. And when she did that useless boyfriend of hers was all over her. I had to suppress the urge to march over there, punch the bastard and tell him to leave her the hell alone. Huh, how odd. Not once had I felt anything close to possessive toward one of the many girls I knew.

I didn't think I could handle watching them go home together. I was forcing myself to leave, but she seemed to be putting him in a cab alone. He reached for her, making my blood boil, but she avoided him. Waving goodbye she turned back to her friends. That's when she saw me. Looking right in my eyes, staring at me in that unsettling way she had, I swear I saw a slight smile on those lips that screamed sex.

I was terrified that she would leave me standing alone against those dumpsters. It would be a very Bella thing to do. Or so I though. Not that I really knew her, but that was what her whole crowd was about. Putting others down to make themselves feel better about their own pathetic lives. Trick the music nerd into thinking she wanted him, then abandoning him when he showed and laughing about it with The Groupies later.

But she surprised me again. She slowly approached me, giving me time to appreciate her perfect little body. Tight jeans, high heals, and a flowing blue tank that clung to all the right places.

After just looking at each other for an inappropriate amount of time, I panicked. Technically, I had asked for this date but I didn't actually think that I would be standing here with her. I had no idea what we were going to do. Walk, we could always walk. And chat. Though I was not sure what we could possibly have in common, but maybe that would prove that this whole infatuation was ridiculous.

It was an infatuation that had unwillingly plagued me since 8th grade when we moved to LA from Evanston, Illinois, a small suburb 45 minutes from Chicago by train. It became clear from my very first day that I was an outcast; I didn't have the right clothes or the right shoes. I was pale from a winter in Chicago and I quickly committed social suicide by joining the band. Jessica and Lauren showed a bit of interest in me because of my pretty face but they quickly tuned me out when I had no idea who the celebrities were that these vapid girls were eager to discuss. After that, I just became a faceless nobody, which didn't bother me. Except for the cold shoulder of Bella Swan. She sat next to me for my very first private school class, 1st period English.

She looked through me. And that pissed me off because I had never felt more drawn to any other individual. It was her big brown eyes that mesmerized me from the brief moment we made eye contact on.

With the flirting skills of a 13-year-old boy, I teased, poked, prodded, and annoyed her but never got the slightest reaction. She ignored me completely, like I was so low that I was to far below her to notice.

By the end of the year I was fairly positive that she didn't even know my name.

My heart rate settled as we talked. She was exactly as she should be. Vain, obsessed with her short stature, getting all prickly at the first sign of teasing. This would just be another random adventure in my chaotic life, something to laugh with the boys about.

Of course she had to ruin it with those surprises of hers.

"I love your music," she said. Not in a flirty way or even a polite way. She got it, I could tell from the way she squeaked it at me. She was a true believer; a rare breed in her world that saw that music meant something beyond being fun to dance too.

She needed to be tested.

I knew the DJ tonight a few blocks away at the Leech Pit, a club catering those who wanted to dance long after the band finished. It was the perfect venue for said testing.

The look she sent me as she saw our destination was understandable. The place was a shit hole. But she brought up her chin, squared her shoulders, and marched in.

This would definitely not be boring.

~*~*~

BPOV

I was fairly fascinated with the grimy club, though not totally out of my element. When he was just getting started, my dad would take Alice and I to shows in seedy bars all over Southern California. He bought us sodas and we danced on tables while we listened to my dad latest project to make it big.

This venue was dark and small; the obvious hang out for many of the weidos that wander Hollywood by day. A wide bar circled the crowded dance floor and provided ample refreshments for the patrons.

"Can I get you a drink?" I wasn't paying him much attention though and I answered to honestly.

"A glass of wine perhaps." When he didn't respond I took in his critical expression and revised my order. "Ummm, I mean I will have what you are having."

As he left me to make his way to the bar, I continued to take in the Leech Pit. The music was soulful and funky, beckoning me to the dance floor. It was then that I realized I was being stared at. All around me patrons were gawking. It was the second time that day that I had an urge to change, even though I knew I looked fabulous. My light blue did stand out against the standard black. And I was far to well groomed. A nice facial piercing would have blended in well. To bad I hadn't thought to dress like Alice tonight.

"They were out of wine," his warm lips grazed my ear and I felt his breath on my neck. Oh man, was I in trouble. He offered me one of the shots he held. I quickly downed mine, needing to relax. He had me to wound up.

"So Bella can throw down," he commented on the ease I shot my double of spiced rum.

"I have been doing this a lot longer then you boy-o." It was only the truth.

"Oh yea, so how about another?" I met his challenge with flourish before dragging him onto the dance floor.

We moved together so well. He was wild, exuberant with his barely controlled movements. We danced to the Beck's 'Loser' while I felt guilty about not feeling guilty again. But this was nothing like gridding with Mike. I could see that h Edward felt the same way about music as I did. We were both doing our best to show the music through our movements.

The music changed then, and I found myself getting lost in the wailing guitar and funk beat of a song I didn't recognize.

"Keep on goin', no time to stop now," the upbeat song encouraged me on.

He was then behind me, hands on my hips, while he sang along in my ear.

"This is YOU! This is your song," I stopped dancing to turn and stare at him as this huge realization hit me.

"Do you love it?" he smirked. The problem was I really did. His voice was amazing and his guitar playing was unique and inspiring.

I backed away from him, needing to get some space and perspective. I had never been so drawn to another person before, and I couldn't make sense of it. The floating guitar solo tore threw my head as I had an image of Edward bent over the instrument, making beautiful music with his fingertips.

Everything about him seemed to lure me in. His stunning face, his fascinating music, and his beautiful body. I even loved the way he smelled and his questionable fashion sense.

I continued to back away and he didn't move to stop me. I was scared, terrified, confused. But something made me freeze. Edward put his hands in his pockets and gave me the saddest little smile that reflected my own mingled feelings.

Maybe it was because I was so tired of pretending to be what The Groupies wanted me to be. Maybe it was because I was dissatisfied and reckless. Or maybe I was feeling something real for a boy for the first time.

I did the unthinkable.

I gave in. Running back to him, I jumped. As he picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his hips, hoisting myself so my head was above his, forcing him to support me with his hands on my ass. Closing my eyes I lowered my lips to his.

The earth stopped. In that moment, he was all there was. "To be part of truth is hard to do, the world can't stop, but I could do it all for you." He voice filled my head as I focused on his gorgeous mouth.

Somehow, he backed me against a wall without breaking the kiss. He set me down, dragging his hands through my hair, changing the angel of the kiss. Nibbling on his lips, I shifted my hips forward, to grind myself into him, causing him to pull away and look down at me in surprise at my forward behavior.

I was just as shocked as he was. This was not typical for me. I had never enjoyed being physical this much and I was struggling to process the needs that were raging through my body.

Smiling seductively up at him I was about to suggest we find somewhere more private when I saw her.

My better half was gaping at me with open shock. Shoving Edward roughly away, I ignored the hurt in his eyes and tried to look innocent. But of course she was not buying it.

"Alice, HELLO," Jasper was waving a fresh drink in front of my sister's face, trying to get her attention. We both continued to stare open mouthed at each other.

"Shit, Bella! What the hell are you doing here?" Jasper spotted me and was unable to contain his confusion.

"My thoughts exactly Jazz." Alice, having regained the ability to speak, she put her hands on her hips and gave me a stern look. "Edward?" She asked confused as she noticed who my partner had been, Mr. Lead Singer had released me and turned to see what had stopped what can only be described as a truly earth shattering make out session. When Alice saw him, her face broke in a triumphant grin.

She whisper something under her breath that sounded like 'finally' and continue to smile like a lunatic.

"Oh, hello Alice, Jasper." Edward said in a casual greeting that was somewhat ruined by his heavy breathing. He seemed to be friendly with them. I wondered how they knew each other and I was going to ask when I noticed the look on Jasper's face.

"What the fuck?" Jasper growled, looking murderous. I had known Jasper for a significant portion of my like. We first met him while riding bikes in the run-down, borderline ghetto neighborhood my Dad first lived in when he moved to California. Alice and him became inseparable whenever Renee would let us visit and quickly became best friends when we finally moved in with Charlie by the time I was 7. Jasper often treated me like a kid sister, but was fiercely protective of both Alice and I throughout our childhood. He once beat up a neighborhood bully who knocked me down and ripped my favorite dress. Before my first date with Mike, he took Mike into another room and gave him a severe talking. When Mike returned he was pale and he didn't even attempt to kiss me when he brought me home. Not that such gentlemanly behavior lasted long. To this day he refused to tell me what was said that night.

"Umm, I was actually just leaving. Can I ride with you please, I have had a bit to much to drink." That was a lie. I am fairly positive I was drunk on Edward, not alcohol, but I wanted to distract Jasper. Going to my sister, I put my head on her shoulder and wrapped my arms around her waist, hoping that by looking tired Jasper would decide to take us home rather then beat on Edward.

"Yea ok, I am ready to go. But we didn't drive so we'll take your car." Alice said as Jasper finished off of her drink as well his own. She shot a final apologetic look at Edward before she turned to walk me to the stairs. At the top of the staircase I turned to see Jasper and Edward still talking. Edward looked shell-shocked and Jasper just looked pissed.

I was granted a reprieve until they got me into the car.

"What the fuck Bella! That wasn't your boyfriend you were getting all friendly with in the middle of the dance floor. What the hell are you doing, messing around with Edward Cullen? How do you even fucking know him?" Jasper hissed from the front seat. Never one to yell, his quite speeches in his slightly southern drawl were some how worse.

"Jazz, it is ok. Don't freak out. I think this is a good thing." Alice said from the drivers seat. This set him off on a whole new round of cussing. Alice grinned at me in the rear view mirror and I looked back confused. I had no idea why seeing Edward and I together gave her such joy. If she were a normal sister she would slap me for cheating on my boyfriend. I was a horrible person.

"Whatever, I don't even care." Jasper said, finally calming down, "Just be careful, ok? You are like my little sister and I wouldn't want you to be taken advantage of. I mean I love Edward, he is one of my best and oldest friends, but he is not one for the relationships. Nor is he exactly good at keeping it in his pants now is he?" He finally had my attention. I was suddenly furious at the prospect of anyone touching my lead singer.

Jasper parked my car and the three of us trudged into the family mansion. Charlie was out of town for the week. He and the new wifey Kathleen did a whole bunch of traveling. It made things a lot easier when we wanted to do the whole co-ed sleep over thing, but it still sucked to know we were violating his trust.

"I am sorry I freaked," Jasper said as he kissed my forehead. "But I know everything there is to know about his sexual exploits and I don't want you to be next in line for his flavor of the week."

"Don't worry about it Jasper, it wont be happening again. It was an aberration. Good night" I watched as Alice then leaped onto Jasper's back who then turned and ran up the stairs causing Alice to giggle. I was surprised to find myself wishing that I had someone. A shameful thought because I did have someone. Mike, a boy who was always there for me and was a perfectly good boyfriend I enjoyed being with.

Not some stupid lead singer wannabe with a crooked smile and an angel's voice who played the guitar like his life depended on his fingers connecting with those strings. Who was probably getting it on with a random floozy right this minute. I fought back the ridiculous urge to cry. So Edward was a man whore who was only interested in my body. And I was so sure I felt something beyond the physical.

I tried in vain to fall asleep. Tossing and turning, I couldn't get his voice out of my head. Forcing myself to think of my beloved boyfriend, I declared to myself to be a much better girlfriend, loving and faithful and all that. Well faithful starting now. I would have to make amends somehow, perhaps I would cook him a steak. Resolved, I feel into a restless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

EPOV

"My dog has flea's!" Emmett was singing at the top of his lungs while strumming a ukulele from the couch in our rehearsal space.

I was at the piano, waiting for Seth and Sam to show up for our daily jam secession. Garrett, our manager, was on the phone in the corner, continuing to arrange the details of our upcoming summer tour. We just finished recording our latest CD last week and life was about to get real fucking busy. Which was a good thing, because I needed to be busy to keep from slipping into the zombie state that always threatened me when I was alone.

"Emmett!" I finally screamed at my brother as he sang the same scale over and over, lamenting the fleas of his non-existent canine. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Dude, chill. I am preparing for Hawaii. Rose and I leave for a glorious week of sunshine on Friday." He grinned and wiggled his dark eyebrows at me as he continued to rock out on his ridiculous instrument.

"You are off key." I pointed out in an attempt to offend him into stopping. It did not succeed so I tried a different approach. "So is that how you are planning on seducing Rosalie? Serenading her with that beautiful music?"

"Naw, tried it last night. She threatened to break my little instrument here so I am forced to practice else where."

"Now which 'little instrument' are we talking about?" I asked lewdly, trying to goad Emmett into a little verbal sparing. Unfortunately he just laughed and threw a pillow at my head. Goddamn idiot.

I sighed and turned back to the piano letting my hands run over the keys without much thought to what I was playing. I continued on, letting my frustration at the lateness of our band mates out on the piano.

Unintentionally, my fingers played out a lullaby I composed years ago in an attempt to help the hugely pregnant love of my life sleep through the night with a baby kicking at her bladder.

I let my thoughts drift to Bella, as I often did when I was not able to distract myself with my real life. Nessie had called me today, telling me all about her bug project and how much she liked our new CD. I wondered if Bella had listened to it yet.

"Dude," Emmett groaned as it became clear to him what I was playing. "Why do you do that to yourself? You need to get out of your head."

"It has just been a bad couple weeks Em. She is always going to be part of my music. It is shity that I have to think about her everyday, but if she weren't part of it then it wouldn't be the truth."

"I know, I know. I just want you to be happy little bro."

"I am happy." I said half-heartedly. This was as happy as I was going to get. The only things that brought me any real joy were Nessie and my music. Both of which were tainted with Bella. The rest were just distractions.

"Sure you are. Hey have you ever thought about asking her out? I mean all this time has passed and—" Emmett said cautiously. He knew that this was unstable ground he was steering our conversation towards.

"No Emmett. She has made it clear how she feels about me and it is just a waste of life to dwell on it after all these years." I said, rising from the piano to stalk around Emmett's seat on the couch. I hated myself for wanting to do just what Emmett suggested almost as much as I hated her for leaving me in the worst fucking way. "Dammit, where are Seth and Sam?"

My phone chirped in my pocket and I flipped it opening, hoping as I always did that it was Bella. She would call me occasionally to narrow down plans with Nessie. Those brief, impersonal conversations were like oxygen. I could feel myself inflate at the sound of her voice.

Unfortunately, it was Tanya.

"Hi Tanya," I said as I answered, trying to summon up some enthusiasm for my latest girlfriend. Emmett rolled his eyes at me; he was not a fan of this demanding actress.

Nor was I, come to think of it. But she was a decent lay and had absolutely nothing in common with Bella. I had tried both, Bella look a likes and anti Bellas. Nothing distracted me for long.

"Edward," She said in a clipped voice that let me know she was stressed beyond belief, probably because of something trivial and unimportant. "I need you to get fitted for your tux. We have the premier at the end of the month."

Tanya's latest period drama was due out on the last weekend in May. I was not looking forward to the circus like red carpet atmosphere or spending 2 hours watching Tanya stomp around in a corset with a fake British accent.

"Right. Well… I am free during the day tomorrow or Thursday."

"What about Wednesday?" She asked after consulting with her ever-present personal assistant.

"Can't. There is a father/daughter tea party at Nessie's school that day." I smiled at the memory of the yearly tradition. Last year Nessie wore a cute little apron and demanded that I let the classroom hamster have a chunk of my scone.

"Fine," Tanya huffed in frustration. "What about this weekend?"

"You know I have Nessie on weekends when I am in town." I reminded her, getting a sick pleasure in her anger.

"Edward!" She wined. "This is my premier we are talking about."

"Sorry Tanya," I said without feeling the least bit so, "Nessie comes first."

"Fine, tomorrow at 2 then?"

"Yup that works."

"Ok, I will see you tonight. Bye." And with that she hung up on me. Aw to be young and in love. Right.

Thankfully, Seth and Sam had arrived by the time I got off the phone. Emmett currently had Seth in a headlock while Sam plucked away at his bass to tune it. I smiled as I walked back across the room.

Finally we would play some goddamn music. Finally I would get a little relief from the sadness that perpetually followed me around. We launched into 'Little Miss Sunshine," and I stopped trying to forget.

~*~*~

12 Years Ago

"The shit really hit the fan then Emmett, there was glaring and cussing and I thought Jazz was going to punch me. Like I had somehow taken advantage of his poor helpless sister. She fucking threw herself at me!" I was in the ocean with Emmett and Seth. We had been surfing all morning, and were taking a well-deserved break. Lounging on our backs, we floated on our boards, discussing my odd night.

"Shit, man I still don't believe you. I think you are fucking with us." Emmett laughed. He knew plenty about Bella through Alice and found it pretty funny that I got tangled up with a girl that epitomized everything I hated. She was self centered, materialistic, cruel, and a product a high-class culture that would never appeal to me.

Or it least she should fucking be.

Seth on the other hand was still in shock. He had idolized Bella for years as the ultimate unattainable female. "I mean, Bella fucking Swan jumped you?" Seth said, not bothering to hide his awe.

"It does sound a bit far fetched," Emmett agreed.

Though I gave the boys the facts from the previous evening, I neglected to go into detail about my own bizarre reaction. That fucking kiss was unlike anything I ever experienced before, and I had plenty of experience. I was in foreign territory with Bella. Not only because of who she was but also because of how much I wanted her.

Goddamn, I was totally fucked. How the hell was I supposed to show up at school on Monday and go back being ignored by the she-devil? She was evil, true believer or not.

Maybe I would just push her against her locker and pick up right where we left off.

"What about the boyfriend?" Seth brought up an excellent point.

"Yea I really hate that bag of douche." Emmett said, remembering Newton's perusal of Rosalie that turned to name calling and threats when she shot him down.

"Why the fuck is it always Edward? Not only does he always get the girl but he has all the stories too. I want a fucking story!" Seth was going into one of his spells so I stuck my foot out and overturned his board.

He resurfaced seconds later to the laughter of Emmett.

"You have stories fool. What about all that whiskey we drank at your grandma's house?"

"Doesn't count, there were no ladies involved." He retorted angrily.

"Well, good old gram gram was there." Commented Emmett. Seth progress to jump Emmett and attempt to drown him.

I laughed but was quickly distracted as a she-devil disguised in the body of a sex goddess stepped onto the beach. I bolted upright immediately. There was no missing her chestnut mane or hot little body. I watched as she followed a leggy blond down the beach, setting out towels and chairs not far form where my own shoes where located.

My heart kicked into overdrive just at the sight of her. She had a creepy effect over me even from such a great distance.

I watched them, enjoying my moment of secret observation. God, she was so damn hot with her curves and flat stomach, a perfect little package. All I wanted to do was kiss her, to touch her cheek, to make her smile, or to even just sit by her for a while. I wanted whatever she would give me.

She flipped back her hair and lay down on her towel, tilting her face toward the sun. I tired to convince myself that this bizarre obsession was purely physical. No doubt she was gorgeous, a stand out among a sea of beautiful faces. But for her it was natural, something that separated her for the fake tanned, silicone pumped masses at our school.

She put in ear buds and pulled out a book. I had to know what the hell she was listening to, what the hell she was reading. Maybe then I could stop wanting so much from her.

I started to paddle in, ignoring the calls of Emmett and Seth.

I approached her slowly, continuing to enjoy the fact that I was at an advantage for once. When I reached her I put my hands on my hips and stared down at her resting figure. Her lips were moving silently to the song playing in her ears as her foot tapped out a ragged beat that left a funny little pattern in the sand.

I crossed my arms and waited for her to realize she was in my shadow, that I was the one blocking her sun.

It didn't take long.

"Listen buddy, why don't you—" She hoisted her small figure onto her elbows as she slammed her sunglasses up into her hair and glared at me. She opened her eyes and saw who I was, shutting her mouth and ending her snappy retort before it was complete.

"What are you listening to?" I asked. Not bothering to listen for an answer, I squatted in front of her and grabbed her CD player.

"Wouldn't you like to know," She growled, snatching the music player from my hand. Not to be troubled by her less then friendly tone I picked up her thick book. It was a Civil War book by someone named Shelby Foote. Shocked at her selection, I smiled. I really had to stop expecting things from Bella being that she surprised me every time.

"Is there something you want?" She asked.

I glanced from her stunning face to her goddamn perfect body. Fuck yes there was something I wanted. Now I just had to figure out how to get it.

~*~*~

BPOV

"So instead of going home last night, you went to skeezie club and made out with a stranger?" It was the fourth such question I fielded from Angela. A combination of hang over and shock was dulling her senses.

"Yea I know. I am slutier then Jess. It was magnetic attraction, a moment of weakness. Plus he isn't a stranger." This morning, after dreaming of Edward for hours, I had a feeling I had overlooked some crucial detail. Wracking my brain, I finally placed his face. He went to Fairfax, but before last night I had never heard his name. I vaguely remembered sitting next to him in middle school, but that had been just after Phil-Gate and I had been 100 percent on autopilot at the time.

How I somehow missed Edward was alarming.

Just because I didn't recognize him, didn't mean he didn't recognize me. He probably knew all about Mike and I. Edward must have thought I was a shameless hussy. Which I suppose was true after last night. I just hoped he wouldn't say anything. This whole situation was going to hurt Mike so much and I really hoped to avoid that.

But honestly, I was a lot less worried about the whole thing the I should have been.

"What is his name again?" Angela asked.

"Edward Something. I don't know his last name."

"Now that you mention it, I think I know who you are talking about. Tall? Gorgeous? The weird, music, soulful type."

"Yup, that's the one."

"He is super sexy, but I bet he goes to coffee shops and strums his guitar and sings about love and stuff. He probably plays the bongos and recites poetry too."

"What is so wrong with that?" I asked, liking the image of Edward serenading me in a Peet's.

Angela looked at me like I had lost my mind. Which, also, probably wasn't that far from the truth.

"You always get the good boys," She said finally, smiling.

"Can I remind you of a story called Mike vomited on my feet last night?" She laughed as I put on my earphones, getting back to a little Dylan, absorbing his words like comfort food. I planned on spending 10 minutes in the sun before I joined Angela under the umbrella or I would fry.

Sometimes I felt like the only pale girl in California.

I put down my book in favor of a nap, only to feel someone blocking my sun. _I only have 10 minutes to enjoy it asshole, back up._

Opening my eyes, I attached a glare to my face to tell the oglier to beat it before I kicked him in the balls.

I was cut short as I met a glare similar to my own reflected in a pair of entrancing green eyes.

"What are you listening to," he asked as he crouched down beside me and grabbed my CD player.

"Wouldn't you like to know," I said as snatched it out of his hand.

_Wow, real mature Bella, wasn't I just the witty one. _

He turned his attention to my disregarded book. He smiled as he read the front cover, making me self-conscious even though it was one of my favorites. "Is there something you want?"

The look on his face had me regretting my question. His eyes moved down my bikini-clad body. I gulped, but attempted to cover my nerves with my best flirtatious smile. It seemed to do the trick and his eyes clouded over.

My face contorted into a glare as I remembered Jasper's description of his promiscuous friend.

"Um hello?" Angela was staring at us from the shade of her umbrella.

"Right, Edward this is Angela. Angela this is Edward." I made the hasty introduction and I could see that she connecting the dots.

"Charmed," Edward murmured, momentarily breaking eye contact with me.

Edward shrugged at Angela's questioning stare and sat down beside me.

"Get my towel a little wetter, please." I snapped, angry with him all over again for not telling me he went to Fairfax and making me want him so much. At that he grinned and leaned over me, shaking his wet tousled hair. Giggling at the sensation of tiny water droplets hitting my sun and Edward heated skin, I rolled away and smacked him in the arm. Angela gave to a knowing look.

Forcing myself to ignore him, I lay flat on my back, devoting my attention to my music and closing my eyes once again. He reached over me and removed one of my ear buds, only to place it in his own. He closed his eyes and folded his hands across his chest as he lay beside me.

"Subterrianian, Homsick Blues," He commented in reference to the song. "Great song, Dylan goes electric at the Newport Folk Festival. You know people freaked over this shit. I get it though, who the hell would want to play the same goddamn thing for the rest of their lives?" I couldn't help but agree. Except I didn't want to have anything in common with him so I ignored his comment.

"What are you doing?" I asked, propping myself on my elbows to better see him.

"Napping, be quiet will you," with a finger on my forehead he pushed me back into sleeping position.

"I don't recall asking you to join us." I was putting on a show for Angela of course. If we were alone my new found deviousness would have gotten the best of me and I would probably be all over him by now.

"You owe me, so be nice."

"Owe you?" I asked confused, "For what?"

"For almost getting me beat up by Jasper Whitlock. And abandoning me in a dirty night club." I laughed out loud. Abandoned, right. There was no denying the Jasper thing though.

"Fine, you can stay, but no talking. Angela and I are trying to relax. " Unfortunately, it became obvious at that moment Angela had fallen asleep. She was not very good at the whole partying thing and it got the best of her whenever she indulged.

Closing my eyes, I acted like I was napping. As if I could fall asleep while I could feel the moisture from his wet body inches from my side. I bit my lip and tapped my fingers restlessly against my CD player.

Aggravated, I rolled toward him onto my side and frowned down at the impossible boy next to me. I spent a moment just enjoying the view before I became frustrated that he was ignoring me. I huffed in indignation.

"We are napping remember." He said with a smile, not even bothering to open his eyes.

"Yes well, I am quite bored with that now. I am going in the water." I sprang to my feet, in desperate need of a cool down.

"You have a very short attention span don't you?" he asked as he followed me to the edge of the ocean.

"With most things yea. I need a lot of entertaining." I stopped when I got to the waters edges, only letting my feet get wet to the ankles. Edward looked back at me surprised that I had not continued with him directly into the sea.

"What are you doing," he called, already waist deep in the brilliant blue water. "Did you lose interest already?"

"No." I said curtly, "This is easing."

"What?"

"You know, going in bit by bit. Its too cold to just jump in." I stuck my chin out, irritated at his incredulous expression. I walked to knee depth.

"Isabella," he said, "you are completely ridiculous." I should have been mad, but the way he said it made ridiculousness sound like a desirable quality. He dove into an oncoming wave, momentarily disappearing from view. He surfaced two feet in front of me, having apparently ridden the wave in. Flipping his head to the side so that it curved across his forehead, he gave me that crooked smile. He narrowed his eyes and I realized a second to late what he planned to do. Lunging forward, he swung me into his arms, lifting me beneath my knees.

"Woah, Edward, EASING, it's a perfectly fine way to--" he ran into the deeper water, diving in with me still in his arms.

It was cold.

The only part of me not cold was from my knees down where I eased.

We both surfaced, I sputtered and he grinned.

"See the anticipation of death is worse then death itself," he taunted.

"My hair!" I screeched, slapping my hands down in irritation. I was having a Groupie moment. Edward stared at me like I the fool I was. The moment of silence stretched until he finally burst into laughter.

"And what, may I ask is so damn amusing?" I demanded.

"You're at the beach, going into the water, and you didn't plan on getting your hair wet?" He asked still laughing.

"I straightened it this morning, that's a big time commitment ok?" We were out to deep for me to stand, though the water was not yet to his shoulders. "Though I am a champion water tredder, its not really a skill I enjoy using," I said, changing the subject while swimming away from him, toward the shallower water. As I was making my retreat he snagged my foot, pulling me back toward him.

"You are short, luckily I am tall," he said pulling my arms around his neck. I looked at him warily, remembering my earlier declaration to be an excellent girlfriend and his womanizing reputation. "You have the oddest facial expressions, did you know that?"

I did indeed know this. Most of the time, what was going through my head was clearly displayed on my face. I bit my lip; concerned he was going to read my mind again.

"Like what are you thinking right now?" he pressed. "I can hardly ever tell. And I am usually very good at reading people."

"Ummm…" I replied. To be honest I was thinking about the lovely back beneath my hands at the moment, but that wasn't really something I wanted to share with him. "Oh you know, just about hair, clothes, celebrity gossip, the usual… and shoes. Yes mostly just shoes."

"Ah yes the same things that dominate my brain as well." I smiled, glad he knew me well enough to see I was kidding. "Seriously though, your nose got all scrunched up like I repulsed you." I laughed out loud. I wished Edward repulsed me; it would solve all my problems.

"Yup that was it, I completely repulsed by you, I am only letting you keep me this close to be polite." Though I was trying to keep it light, my voice got all raspy and sultry near then end.

It was during this sexually charged moment that I noticed two boys staring at us from the shore. One looked smug while the others mouth literally hung open.

"Friends of yours? " I asked, nodding with my chin to the shore.

"Yea, guys from the band actually. We surfed this morning." His face was turned downward, apparently embarrassed by his friends.

"What is your name?" I inquired, perking up at the mention of his band. His music was quickly becoming an obsession of mine. I woke up humming the song I heard in the club last night.

"Edward," he teased, flicking my nose with his finger, "you really do have a short attention span, huh?"

"The bands name, you fool."

"Nope, not telling." He said, upset that his diversionary tactics failed.

"Why not? How are you ever going to make it big if you are ashamed of your name?" I insisted.

"For your information, we are a legit, gig-playing band. Not some garage riff raff." He retorted, getting defensive.

"What's the name Edward."

"Vampire Sunrise." He said, so quickly I almost missed it. It was quite fitting, "What is your favorite color?" he added to distract me. I wondered where the cocky rockstar was that I saw on stage yesterday. But he seemed so shy about this part of his life that I allowed the subject change.

"Green," I said, thinking about the color of his eyes. I blushed for the second time in his presence and quickly made up a lie to distract him as I let myself float away from him on my back. "But that is probably just because I can't wear it. It makes me look red." He kept his hands, palms up, on the small of my back and just below my neck, keeping me from floating to far away. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the absolute tranquility I felt. The sun warmed my face while the water lapped across my belly, but it did little to cool the effects of Edward's touch.

"Damn you're pretty," he spoke softly, running his hand down my spine. I shivered. I was used to this, the expression and exhalation of my beauty. Though I suppose I was nice-looking, it was all tricks and mirrors. If it weren't for Alice's styling, it would be clear how ordinary and boring I was. But there was none of that now. My Groupie shield was completely down but he found me attractive anyway. The way he said, as if it surprised him somehow, was not something I heard before. It was astonishing, this pull I felt toward him. Perhaps he was as stunned as me that he looked at me and actually saw something he liked.

It was a classic case of opposites attracting. He was grungy, unique, and quirky. I was rich, trendy, and while I hated to admit it, uninteresting and average. It was probably all lust for him. Sex and desire made sense at least. If wished I could have figured out why I wanted to be around him.

"Isabella!" My sister was, once again, stealing my thunder, "Hey come here you salty sex pot." In a little black bikini that was not much bigger then my own blue version, Alice was standing on the shore, waving her arms over her head, jumping up and down. With an apologetic glance to Edward, I swam in.

"God, why are you so excited?" I asked Alice when I got to her. She was beaming at me, even sparing a huge smile for Edward who had followed me in.

"Jasper got the apartment!" She squeaked, pulling me into a tight hug. Jasper had a lot of family issues, his dad left when he was a toddler, his mom was an alcoholic with string a constant of abusive boyfriends. At 16, Jasper got himself emancipated and had been living with his aunt or shaking up with Alice ever since. Over the summer, Jasper got promoted to manager of the record store where he been working for years and started a search for his own place, a difficult thing for a 17 year old high school student to do. No wonder Alice was so ecstatic.

"Wow, finally. That's great Alice."

"I know!" She squealed as she spun me around in a quick celebratory dance. I smiled. Alice had such a unique and glowing energy. It was contagious. "I can not wait to decorate it! And paint it. Oh and help him buy furniture. All he has right now is a mattress that we moved in this morning. It is going to be the most adorable apartment ever. No smelly bachelor pad for my man!"

She was practically salivating with the excitement of decorating what I am sure she saw as her very own apartment.

"Hey Cullen," She finally said to Edward. So that was his last name. Edward Cullen. Even his name was sexy. "Prepare yourself. I need you and Emmett to move in all the furniture I plan on buying at the Goodwill."

I raised an eyebrow at her. I know Alice didn't like to live like the little rich girl she was, but her weekly allowance would more then pay for the decoration of Jasper's apartment.

"Don't you judge me Bella. I like the Goodwill. Everything there has a story. You are coming with me you know."

I had no problems with the thrift store, it was shopping anywhere with Alice that I was nervous about. It was a whole day ordeal. I could handle it for an hour, 2 tops but then I usually camped out on a bench and read while Alice finished.

She gave me an awkward side hug after I agreed and we walked back to the sleeping Angela. I adjusted her umbrella, making sure it covered her creamy completion. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Edward sitting with his band mates, looking at the ocean with his back toward me. And what a back it was.

"Anyway, I thought I should celebrate. Perhaps with another tattoo." Alice had several, though she managed to keep the well hidden from our father, who through a fit when she came home in eighth grade with her nose pierced and a new eyebrow ring. "But for now I thought I would enjoy this glorious day with my highly attractive sister."

"Where is Jasper?"

"Working." she said sounding horribly depressed at the thought of being away from him even for a few hours. Alice and Jasper had been pretty much inseparable since elementary school. When Alice announced in the 6th grade that Jasper was now her boyfriend and that they would be getting married one day no one was shocked. Well except maybe Jasper who was one of the last people to hear about this plan. That was that and they were rarely without each other now. When they were forced to be apart, there was the plethora of sappy phone calls that always made me a bit ill.

"So, spending more time with Edward then?" as she shuffled through my cooler and retrieved a diet coke.

"So it would seem," I said gazing at his back. At that moment he turned, giving me that quick crooked smile over his shoulder that made me feel a little faint.

"Oh this is so great. I have wanted to introduce you forever but I knew it would be best if you just found each other. He is gorgeous but not you usual type at all though. Not all jockey and overly built. Tell me, will darling Mike be joining us on this fine day?" she pressed on despite my silence. Alice was always doing shit like this, so I ignored her utter joy.

"Enough Alice, just leave it be ok?" Irritated, I drowned her out the wisdom of Bob Dylan and wondered what would come next.

~*~*~

EPOV

She was leaving, packing up with her friend and her sister. Bella barely looked at me after Alice arrived and stole her attention. But I had to do something; on Monday she would see me there in all my low social status glory and go back to ignoring me. Well fuck that, there is no way that would be happening.

Hoping a fence, I rushed to her and helped her fold her towel and gather he things. I had never done the whole gentlemen routine before, but Bella seem like the type of girl who required proper wooing.

"Leaving? " I asked.

"One can only stay out in that California sun so long," she smiled wistfully looking towards the near setting sun. Alice stared at me with a little smirk, as if she solved the mystery between Bella and I. I wanted to ask her what she came up with because I had nothing. Angela, the blond who was in my biology class, continued to look at me with curiosity.

"Get dinner with me, " I basically demanded, unwilling to ask in case she said no.

"All right, but I need to go home, clean up first." She pulled her fingers through he wavy, sun dried hair.

"You're fine just like that," I insisted, not giving her an opportunity to escape. I grabbed her hand and started marching her up the beach to the alarmed looks of her friends. She waved goodbye, and pranced along me like a little fairy angel.

"Fine?" she asked skeptically. She should really wear more fucking clothes, how the hell was I supposed to not stare? And more importantly, why would she let the entire world see her that?

Her whole body should be reserved for my eyes only. My hands to come to think of it.

"I look more then fine, thank you very much."

"Of course you do." Goddamn I was bad at this wooing business. Never in my life did I have to make any sort of effort before.

"Bella," I said, trying again as I pulled her around to face me. I leaned down and stroked her cheek. "You look beautiful."

I was rewarded with the beautiful splash of color that crept across her face.

"So where are we going," She shuttered quickly as she turned away from me. I kept her had firmly in mine as I led her to the Volvo.

Her voice crackled. She sounded nervous. Did I make her nervous? Well fuck, I hoped so.

"Ladies choice," I said, reaching behind her and opening the passengers side door with flourish.

Knight is shinning armor shit, not to hard.

"This is your car?" She giggled. I had put up with a lot of shit over the Volvo in years passed and I still could not tolerate it. She was my baby and I loved her.

"Safety first," I grumbled as she finally got in the car.

I took my time attaching my board to the roof and sliding into the passenger seat. She had me all flustered and I took a couple deep breaths in order to steady myself.

Like a goddamn chick.

"Where to ma'am?" I asked when I finally made it into my vehicle.

"Something uber unhealthy," she waved me off with the air of someone used to being driven around. I pulled onto the highway, headed to a far away In 'n' Out. The longer it took to get there, the longer I would get to just be with her.

"I really don't know anything about you. And here I am, trusting you with my life. " She had her feet tucked up under her on the seat, something that should not have looked so goddamn sexy. But everything she did was sexy. Even sitting in the Volvo. She was only wearing her bikini top with a long, lose skirt that had pooled at her waist exposing miles of toned, creamy skin.

I was having trouble forming a coherent thought.

"So what do you do with yourself, besides playing in a band you are oddly hesitant to talk about." She was perceptive too. I was weirdly concerned with her opinion of my music and, being that she was the devil, I was not willing to put that much of me out there. Especially with the ignoring looming.

"Well I go to school," I said slowly, undecided whether or not I would even tell her the truth.

"Right, Fairfax." She grumbled.

I swerved to the side of the road, causing the car to vibrate as I drove over the abrasions along the edge of the highway that were designed to keep drivers in their lane.

How in the hell did she know that? It was clear yesterday that she didn't recognize me. I blamed the pixie.

"Been talking to Alice have we?" I said in my best attempt to sound nonchalant.

"No. I recognize you from school."

"Really?" I asked, irritated. It only took her two days.

"Yes."

I waited for her to go on, but apparently that was all she was saying. I expected her to be pissed that I neglected mention the fact that we went to the same school. Or that I knew her sister rather well. Or that I knew she had a boyfriend but took her dancing and kissed her like I couldn't stop anyway.

Frankly, I was goddamn surprised that she had agreed to go anywhere with me at all. She probably thought I was a stalker.

"And when did you come to this stunning conclusion?" I asked finally, just to put an end to the silence.

"This morning. I am sorry I didn't recognize you right away, we just run in different circles I guess."

That was the understatement of the century.

"Yea, listen Bella—"

"Will you drive faster? I am wasting away over here," she said, dramatically throwing the back of her hand over her forehead. Apparently, she did not want to hear my apologies or whatever it was I had planned on saying. "Seriously did you hear that? Those are the groans of my belly demanding to be fed. Where the hell are we going anyway?"

I did actually hear that.

"To get burgers."

"There is no need to drive half way to Las Vegas, there was an In-an-Out right down the street you fool."

"Yes but that would have meant spending a lot less time with you. Now we have the whole drive back." I said, basically admitting how fucking obsessed I was with her. It made her smile get stiff and her eyes darken.

"You should really stop being so nice to me." She said quietly. This struck me as so ominous I seriously considered kid nap, just to keep her from going back to her real life with her real boyfriend.

"I can't seem to help myself," was all I could think to say.

~*~*~

BPOV

This was bad. So so so bad.

I should really tell him to turn around. To take me home. To never talk to me or think about me again. But the thought of separation was just too painful and I was essentially selfish creature, I couldn't do something that would hurt me that much. I didn't want to put words to what I was feeling for Edward, because that would be unfair to both of us. I had a boyfriend who, until two days ago, I was very much happy with. I would not be throwing away 2 years of contentment on an infatuation.

And the worst part is that I knew how much this whole thing would hurt us all, Mike, Edward, me. But I couldn't stop.

He finally pulled into the drive thru. We ordered. He parked his ridiculous middle aged car by a disserted boardwalk with beach access. He grabbed our dinner and I followed him onto the sand.

Starving, I took an unladylike bite.

"Wow, you are really into that burger." He commented. He had barely touched his.

"I like food." I said through a mouth full of meat, bun, and tomato.

"You don't look it."

"I, uhhhh, have a fast metabolism" I babbled semi incoherently. The look he was giving me was sizzling my skin and I took another huge bite of my burger in an attempt to make the whole moment less sexy. It only sort of worked.

"So what do you want to be when you grow up?" I asked the least sexy thing I could, really really trying to hold true to my declaration to be the best girlfriend ever.

"A rockstar" He said right away, perfectly serious. "What about you?"

"Ditto" I said, only half kidding.

"Really? Do you have your own little band you haven't told me about?"

"God no, I could never actually perform in front of people! I have stage fright." It was true, Alice once forced me to do a duet with her at one of Charlie's lavish company Christmas parties. I threw up half way into the first verse.

"Bella Swan, the most popular girl at Fairfax High, has stage fright?" Edward asked, looking like he didn't believe me. "I don't believe you."

"No it is really true."

"But you love the spotlight. You are a fucking Groupie."

I winced, somehow hoping he didn't know about all that. I was ashamed of my ridiculous group of girl friends. Like being a Groupie somehow made me unworthy of Edward's attention.

"I really don't. All that Groupie stuff…" I said, trying to figure out the best way to explain. " It is like auto pilot for me. It is just the easiest way to get through the day without having to think to hard about the bad stuff. Now music, that is much more personal. It is like salvation, hanging on the cross in front of people who probably don't even understand. Performing in bravery, I don't care what you say."

Edward looked like he was about to come in his pants after my little speech so I quickly turned my attention back to my greasy, delicious meal. It seemed like I had to work hard to ruin all of these little moments with Edward tonight.

After devouring most of my meal, I realized how cold I was now that the sun had gone down. Shivering, I fervently rubbed my arms in a useless attempt to get rid of my goose bumps.

"Cold?" he asked.

I nodded.

Grumbling something about more goddamn clothes, he astonished me by removing his own long sleeved t-shirt and dropping it on my head unceremoniously. I struggled into the overly large garment, enjoying the smell of Edward while reveling in the warmth. The sight of his naked torso once again distracted me till I turned away, blushing again. What the fuck was my problem? Was I doomed to spend all my time with Edward in a state of permanent redness?

"Thank you," I smiled at him.

"So why shouldn't I be nice to you? Do you prefer the bad boys that treat you like shit?"

"Yea, because you are soooo harmless. I hate to break it to you Edward, but knights in shining armor do not take girls with boyfriend's to places called The Leech Pit, kiss them silly, and play the guitar the way you do." I blushed again, though I was not sure why. With Edward it seemed that I lacked a filter. When I was with him, everything I thought was out of my mouth before I took the time to edit it.

"The reason I shouldn't be nice to you?" He asked after I accidently mentioned that I had a boyfriend. He shifted his gaze away from mine. I looked at him skeptically. He probably already knew about Mike and was just trying to make me squirm. He was doing a damn good job.

"So I probably should have mentioned the boyfriend thing." I said sheepishly.

"Around the time you jumped me in the middle of a dance floor?" he asked.

"Jumped you!" I yelled, suddenly enraged that he was making it sound like a one-sided thing. " I did no such thing. I have more dignity." I Stuck out my chin, crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him. I gave him my best glare too, Alice called it the look.

"You literally jumped up onto my body," He said as we finished off our meal.

"I am short, there is no way I would have gotten anywhere with out quite a bit of help!"

"That's bullshit. You are a determined little thing. "

I sprang to my feet, really mad now.

"Get up," I demanded.

"Why?"

"Just stop bitching and do it." After poking him repetitively in the side with my big toe I finally convinced him. He rose and I backed away from him.

"So we are testing it," I explained.

"Because you always have to be right," he pointed out.

"Shut up and put your hands in your pockets. " I snapped, backing up further. "Would you agree, for the purposes of science, that this was about the distance I ran before the alleged jumping?" He nodded and I continued. "So, I am now going to run at approximately the same speed as last night in order to see if I do truly have what can only be described as super human jumping abilities."

He nodded again, rolling his eyes in exasperation.

And so I ran into his arms a second time. I jumped on him, pulling my arms around his neck while his hands stayed unresponsive. I was right. I could not get the height, but I somehow succeeded in knocking us both to the ground. We landed sideways with a thud, facing each other, pinning my arm behind his shoulder.

"See, I win," I pointed out.

He looked annoyed for a moment before letting out a thundering laugh. I could not decide what I liked better, his voice, or his guitar as my laughter joined his.

Slowly we both composed ourselves and became very aware of our extremely close proximity. Entranced, I couldn't look away from his green eyes. He returned my gaze with equal intensity. I bit my lip, hoping he would kiss me and wishing I didn't want him too.

His free hand found its way to my face and his thumb grazed my cheekbone. My head turned into his hand on its own accord as we continued to stare at each other. I marveled at the electric feeling.

"Bella…" He whispered as his lips closed in on mine. His sweet breath grazed my face. My eyes fluttered closed.

And then my fucking phone rang and ruined it all.

Edwards snapped his head back abruptly, looking pissed that my phone was interrupting the sort of trance we were in. I rolled away from him, most unwillingly, and reached for my disregarded phone.

"Hello," I said warily, it was Mike. Of course.

"Babe, where are you?"

"Eating," I replied, evading the question as I sat up.

"You are always eating," he pointed out. "Are you home? I am coming to get you. Jessica is having a party."

"Um…" I stalled, looking sideways at Edward. Mike was the last person I wanted to see. And a kegger at Jessica's was the last place I wanted to be. "No, I'm not home. So I will meet you there later ok?"

"Where are you?" He asked. Was it my guilt that made him sound suspicious or was it really in his tone?

"The beach."

"Always at the beach these days, what the fuck?"

"Humm." I said, desperately trying to avoid telling him the truth.

"Ok whatever, I am getting booze. I'll see you later babe."

"Yea, yea. Bye." I hung up quickly, trying to gauge how much Edward had heard. From his raised eyebrows and tense lips, I knew the answer. Everything.

I looked at Edward, wanting nothing more then to get him naked right then and there despite the fact that I just got off the phone with my BOYFRIEND. What the hell was wrong with me? I didn't even really like sex. It was too sweaty and too athletic for my taste.

Why then with Edward was I sudden a typical sex crazy adolescent??

None of it made sense and was freaking me out. I abruptly got to my feet, tripping in my need to get away from him and all the unfamiliar stuff he made me feel.

He followed me in a blur of movement and grabbed my arm, helping me regain my balance. I jumped away from his touch like I had been burned, which was not that far from the truth.

"Bella, I—" he began in a reassuring tone.

"Nope," I replied as I held up a hand, "Don't want to talk about it. I need to get home."

"Are you sure, because I just wanted to say—"

"Yup, I am sure." I said, walking to the car as fast as my legs would carry me.

"So what do you want to talk about then?" He yelled, throwing his arms up in frustration.

I paused and really thought about his question.

"Music," I decided as I started to walk again, this time at a less crazy pace.

"Music," He repeated smiling.

So we talked about music until he dropped me off at La Casa de Swan where he gave me an odd little salute before peeling out of the coul-de-sac.

What the hell was I doing?


	4. Chapter 4

Now

I was doing it again. Listening to Edward's latest CD.

It was like I was trying to cause myself pain but I suppose that was preferable to the numb state I had been living in since I walked out of Edwards's life for good.

It had to be done, I reminded myself for the zillionth time in 8 years. For me, for Nessie. For Edward too.

He would have never gotten his life back together if I hadn't left. But after two Edward-less days I changed my mind. But by then it was too late. He had already moved on with a peroxide-blond with fake tits, fake lips, fake everything.

Now he hated me and I was alone.

I couldn't function for a solid two weeks after that. I stayed in bed, barely even able to interact with my daughter. Thank god for Alice. I couldn't even listen to music.

I went about the business of pretending to be okay. 'I'm fine' became my mantra. My life was a hollow shell of what I used to be and the hole Edward left in my chest was ever present.

And then I started hanging out with Jake.

Jake quickly became my best friend, providing a bit more light to my life that had previously only been provided by Nessie. Jake was the son of Charlie's oldest and best friend from Forks, Billy Black. When Jake moved to LA after dropping out of high school to help open a new body auto shop, Charlie promised Billy that we would take good care of his son.

I was fairly sure that Jake had been in love with me for years, even when Edward and I were together and I was pregnant with Nessie. He helped me regain some since of my old self and put the pieces back together so I had some semblance of a life back. He loved me pre and post Edward, or before and after as I often thought of these two separate Bella's.

I was not the same person I was then.

About a year ago Jacob started to make his feelings clear. He brought me flowers and took me to fancy restaurants. He courted me in the sweetest fashion. Until finally he grew frustrated with my hesitation, Jake screamed his love at me and kissed me so passionately I had actually felt something.

Even if our love was a pale fraction of what I knew I was capable of, it made him happy and I owed him everything.

I had to pull it together for Jake, the guy who loved me. He was the guy who would be arriving shortly to take me to Jasper's birthday dinner.

So I picked myself up off my bed and moved to my closet where I went through the motions of getting ready for the big family dinner.

15 minutes later I was just slipping the birthday cake I had been ordered to make out of the fridge when my front door flew open with a bang.

"Honey, I'm home," barked Jacob Black from the hallway, making me smile.

"In the kitchen," I called back, giggling at our odd little domestic display. I turned toward him as I felt his big warm arms come around my waist.

I reached my hand out to touch his face and gave him a quick kiss.

"Look at how clean you are!" I exclaimed, as I took in his fresh clothes missing the grease that usually adorned his body. Jake ran an up scale auto shop that specialized in "pimping peoples rides." As a result, he rarely came over clean. My house was closer to the shop then his apartment and he preferred to shower here instead.

"Hey, Alice scares me. I wouldn't want to show up late or dirty to her husbands birthday shindig."

"What is with the domestic routine?" I asked as I pulled away from him to grab a sweater and find the pumps I discarded when I got home from work.

"Just trying to show you how great it will be when you finally let me move in here." He said giving me a cocky grin.

I groaned.

We had been having this debate for the last month. Jake wanted to live together, to "take things to the next level", but I was far from ready. Plus I didn't want to disturb Nessie's life further. I knew it was hard on her, not having parents that were together and I didn't want to add another complicated male relationship into the mix. She loved Jacob, that was for sure, but I still got the feeling that Nessie had ideas of Edward and I getting back together.

"Well two bad I am not a housewife and you will not be living here anytime soon." I said, irritated that we were having this debate again. My mood had lifted at the sight of him, like it always did but was threatening to go under again as we argued.

"Ok, I am willing to negotiate," he said, popping his hip on the counter top and crossing his arms over his wide, muscled chest. "How about you let me spend the night, even if Nessie is here."

"Nope," I said, holding firm on that rule too. Nessie came first and I didn't want to make life any more confusing for her. "She isn't here on weekends, two nights of week will just have to be enough."

"Come on Bells, she knows we are a couple. I mean you could just tell her that we are having a sleep over or something."

"I am not explaining that to my ten year old, she is at a very impressionable age." I said, finally locating my shoes and holding them in the air in triumph.

"Oh come on, do you really think Edward doesn't have sleep over's when she is staying with him?" I stopped mid way thought putting my shoes on.

It was his name again, twice in one day. I closed my eyes and willed away that familiar hole that had reopened up inside of my chest at the thought of Edward's never ending merry go round of girlfriends. It was so hard, having a famous ex whose conquests were always in the press.

Jake froze at the look on my face when I finally rose after getting my shoes on. His face crumbled as he realized he brought up the one topic I was not ok discussing.

"Look, Bella, I am sorry—" He began.

"We should head out though." I said, silencing his apology. I didn't want to deal with this and I blabbered in an attempt to hide how upset I truly was. "Alice has had Nessie all afternoon and I shudder to think of what they have been up too. Grab that cake will you? I'll drive."

We got into the car while I chattered non-stop. I didn't want to hurt Jacob with the knowledge that Edward could still hurt me. I had done a very good job in recent years, hiding my lingering feelings for Edward. For Jake's sake, I had to pretend that I no longer thought about or cared about Edward Cullen.

I started the ignition and completely blew that allusion right out of the water. As the car powered up, so did the sound system. Over my speakers blared Edwards tormented voice, crooning about sunshine lost. I quickly jabbed the off button and turned wide-eyed to Jacob, hoping he would not have noticed.

I was not so lucky and Jake was no idiot.

His face was as stone mask of rage. He knew how I felt about Edwards's music; he had seen the state I was in the last time Edward came out with a CD. Me listening to this meant I still cared.

"Bella," he practically growled, "What the hell was that?"

"Jacob, don't be mad it is nothing. Nessie—" I tired to explain it away. Nothing I could say would take away the pain I put in his eyes. I was the scum of the earth for hurting someone so good.

"You are listening to his new CD. I can't believe it. You said you were going to avoid it, that it wasn't worth getting worked up over. And don't give me that Nessie shit, you didn't pick her up today. Alice did. You were listening to it yourself. Are you even trying to get over him Bella?" His voice had steadily increased in volume as he went on. His rage was filling my small car and I resisted the urge to get out, run to my bed, and listen to Edward's music on my iPod.

"Jake, I am over him. Really I am. I was just curious."

We sat in silence for several minutes while I waited for him to speak.

"Are you ever going to love me like you loved him?" He whispered, suddenly quiet now. I took in a sharp breath.

I told him, when he first started his intense perusal of me, that I was broken. That I didn't think I would be able to give him what he wanted. He said that he would be happy just taking what I could give. I thought we had gotten passed this fact, but Jake saw how I was with Edward. He knew what he was missing.

"I am giving you everything I have, Jacob." I assured him, placing a hand on his back.

He shook me off and abruptly got out of the car.

"I can't go tonight Bella, I just… I cant." And with that he got in his vintage Mustang and was gone.

I sighed, laying my head on the wheel for a moment before I put the car in reverse. Pausing momentarily, I finally turned the stereo back on and cranked the volume to further drowned out my thoughts.

I was late to Jasper's birthday extravaganza and my sister was going to kill me. It couldn't be avoided though; I needed some time to collect myself after my fight with Jake. While sitting in my car out front of the Whitlock Residence, I tried to figure out what to do. I hated hurting him, but I really was doing my best to hide my Edward obsession. My only other option was to break up with him.

Maybe that would be for the best.

As quietly as possible I slid in through the front door. I was trying to be sneaky. My plan was to just melt into the festivities inconspicuously and pretend like I had been there 20 minutes ago.

I shut the door quietly before turning around and tip toeing down the hall.

"Shit!" I squealed, as I turned and almost ran straight into Alice who stood before me with her arms crossed, tapping her foot while she glared at me. "Damn Alice! You scared me. My heart is going to fly out of my chest. "

"You are late. And where is Jake? And Dad?" Alice yelled as she jabbed her finger into my shoulder. All 5'1" of her was vibrating with fury at me. I stared down at her and tried to look apologetic.

A lot had changed since our high school days. Alice used to be the darling of the under ground punk scene in LA. In high school she was all about the heavy make up, tattoos, and outlandish, though still designer, attire. Though this was mostly an attempt to distance herself from the rich girl personal I managed to carve out for myself.

Even then Alice loved clothes, something she translated into her professional life as a celebrity stylist. She was actually the one to keep me clothed in designer duds. It would have horrified the Groupies to know that badass Alice Swan was laying out one of their owns outfits every night.

"Well, you see, the thing is, Jake and I got into a fight on the way over here and I just needed to, you know, recover." I finally explained.

Alice's look of intense rage shifted into one of sympathy when she saw how upset I was.

"Oh, Bella. What happened?"

"Well when we got in the car—"

"Mom! Hey you are finally here," Nessie came tearing out of the kitchen and flew straight into my arms. "Aunt Alice let me wash all the fruit for the salad and then Uncle Jasper gave me this brush to mar-nate the fish—"

"Marinate sweetheart."

"Yeah that. Did you know that that Uncle Jasper is 30 years old! Can you even believe how old that is?" She asked me as she led me by the hand to the kitchen. I gave Alice a look behind my back to let her know I would fill her in when we got a chance.

"Nessie, in two years I am going to be thirty!" I explained to my daughter, hoping that I would not have the same reaction when I turned the big 3-0.

"Oh man. You are like a grandma or something." I found this extremely funny, being as I was one of the youngest parents of all Nessie's school friends.

"You best be kidding darling daughter." She grinned at me, flashing the crooked smile that was so similar to her fathers, before she pranced off to join Jasper who was on the back porch checking on the salmon and chatting with Esme, Carlisle, and Jasper's Aunt Elizabeth.

This whole thing really was a very minor family affair. I though Alice would have gone all out for Jasper's big 3-0, but apparently he put his foot down. It was a rare thing, but Jasper was the only one who was able to change my sister's mind.

"Well??" Asked the stubborn little pixie.

"So first Jacob was pressuring me to move in together again so things were already tense."

"Humm…" Alice said, closing her eyes and concentrating very hard on something. I knew she was not for me and Jacob getting together in the first place. She said my reasons for dating him were all wrong.

"Then we got in my car and when I turned it on he got rather upset about the music that was playing," I said, losing my steam. I did not want to admit to the fact that I couldn't stop listening to his new CD.

"And what music was that Bella? Because Ness mentioned that Edward gave her an advanced copy of the new CD."

"Yes, well you see—"

"Hey kids!" I breathed a sigh of relief. I was momentarily spared from Alice's tough love lecture by my father who then entered the kitchen with his wife Kathleen and son Collin in tow.

"Hey Dad," Alice and I said in unison. He put an arm around each of us then kissed Alice on the forehead and then me, much like he had been doing since I could remember.

"Bella! Where is Nessie?" Collin was 3 months younger then Nessie and they had been best friends since they were crawling. Though it was a bit strange that Collin was actually Nessie's uncle, the two found the whole concept quite funny.

"Hello to you too, kid." I teased as I tucked a strand of his blond hair behind his ear, "She is out back."

"Mom I am going out back!" Collin declared before running around the kitchen table and out the French double doors.

"Hey no running in the house!" Kathleen called after her son before air kissing both Alice and I. "I swear that boy wakes up with more energy every day," she laughed.

"It is the same with Nessie," I agreed. "Did you hear all about this bug unit they are doing? Ness is super excited about it but I just do not get the attraction to bugs."

The adults chatted around the granite island in the middle of the kitchen while Alice finished the salad, checked on the vegetables, and pulled bread out of the over. She was such a health nut, I would bet my entire shoe collection that the whole meal would be under 100 calories. And it would be beyond delicious.

By 7:30 Rosalie stormed in, fuming about traffic in LA and her boyfriend's ukulele obsession. We all smiled politely with out really knowing what was going on. Sometimes with Rose and Emmett, it was best not to ask.

"Rosalie, I swear, you need to just marry that boy," said Elizabeth as she came inside, followed by Esme and Carlisle.

"Thank you so much for your support Mom," Rose said before kissing her mother and Esme on the cheek.

"I happen to agree with your mother darling," Esme said before turning to hug me.

Greetings continued and more hugs were shared. I really did love my family, but it was apparent at all such gatherings exactly who was missing. We really were just a confusing, dysfunctional bunch. Here I was with my ex's parents, his best friends one of which was my sister, his brother's girlfriend who was also one of my best friends, and our daughter. It was beyond absurd that he wasn't here too.

Jasper came in with the kids in tow and was immediately bombarded with birthday wishes as we were all settled down to dinner.

"Jasper, this is amazing" Kathleen crooned as she dug into her second helping of salmon. "I simply must get the recipe."

"Because you cook so much Mom," Collin snorted.

"I cook! Right Charlie?" She said, appealing to my father for help.

"Sorry honey, but when Bella and Alice lived at home there was a lot less take out in the Swan residence."

I smiled, enjoying this healthy banter between the people I cared about most in the world.

"I am one lucky man," Jasper smiled as her squeezed Alice's hand. I winced internally at the easy affection between the two. It was something I was sure to never have again. Edward truly had spoiled me for anyone else.

"This is one lucky household," Rosalie commented as she took a healthy sip of wine. "Both of you are great in the kitchen. The best Emmett or myself are capable of is mac-and –cheese. The kind from the box mind you."

"Aw, Aunt Rose. That is easy. Even I can do that!" Nessie exclaimed. Teasing the Amazon across from her that was not technically her aunt. But Rose was Jasper's cousin and her uncle's long time girlfriend, so Nessie had seen plenty of her growing up.

"I know Nessie, I have completely failed as a parent. You would think either Esme or I would have rubbed off on one of them." Elizabeth laughed.

"So where is Emmett? Busy with tour plans and all that?" Charlie asked, leaning back in his chair after he inhaled his meal.

"Oh he is with the band. They have been practicing nonstop. It is driving me crazy."

My heart soared with all these allusions to Edward. That was all I ever got from my family.

When we first broke up it became clear that it was going to be a tricky situation, our lives overlapped too much. At these big family get-togethers, everyone went through a lot of trouble not to mention Edward in front of me. It was like they were taking it upon themselves to erase the fact that he ever existed from my mind. Even his own parents said very little about him.

People were still careful. His name was rarely spoken. In the first few years, I would brace myself to see him when we all got together. But I quickly learned from Alice that Edward didn't want to make things harder. He gracefully declined all invitations that I would be attending. I insisted that he should be there too, but he never showed. It was like I got our friends in the divorce.

If we had ever been married that is.

He probably had no desire to see me anyway. And who could really blame him after what I did.

Rosalie progressed to tell us about their upcoming trip to Hawaii and the long, hard negotiation required to get Emmett the time off. Carlisle then told entertaining stories of his own honeymoon that left Esme blushing.

After dinner, Charlie and Jasper took the kids to the beach for a walk as Alice, Rosalie, and I cleaned the kitchen. The moms, as they called themselves retired to the back deck to lounge by the pool with their refilled cocktails.

"So," Rosalie said, rounding on me as she put the left over fish into some Tupperware. "I heard you had a bit of an altercation with the mutt."

I glared at her for showing, once again, her open dislike of Jake, and at my sister for, once again, failing to keep from blabbing my business.

"I wish you wouldn't call my boyfriend that Rose."

"What? He is a mongrel and I plan to continue calling him as such." I still had a hard time figuring out Rosalie's dislike of Jake. From the get go they rubbed each other wrong, fighting about who was the better mechanic and who knew the most useless car trivia. "But the point is. You have been listening to Vampire Sunrise."

I blushed, something I only did in conjunction with anything Edward.

"HA!" Rose said in triumph, "You are blushing. You have. "

I looked pleadingly at my sister for help.

"Bella it is the truth," Alice said as she shrugged her tiny shoulders, "things would be a lot easier if you just told us this sort of thing. You know how I hate having to drag it out of you. Which I always do."

"Are you kidding," I asked, indignant, " you love dragging it out of me!"

She gave me that wicked pixie grin and looked at me in a way that told be resistance was futile.

'Fine! I have been ok. Nessie came back on Sunday all excited, waving it around. She fell asleep listening to it and I got curious. That is all. I just wanted to see how it was from a purely professional stand point."

"You are so full of shit." Rose said.

"Sooo full," Alice commented helpfully as she passed me clean pans to dry.

"The point is," I said loudly in an attempt to control the conversation, "Jake got the wrong idea and he thinks that I am not over Edward. I mean, give me a little credit, it has only been what? Like a decade since we broke up? And then 5 years since I have actually seen him. I am not that pathetic and ridiculous."

"Whatever you say Bella. I would like to believe you. But you just are not rational when it comes to his music. Do you remember when Breaking Dawn came out and you skipped town with that creep?" Rosalie pointed out.

I would never live that particular mistake down.

"It is different now. I have Jake and I am happy." I repeated the mantra in my head, trying to make the words fact.

'Except Jake isn't here Bella." Rose said, causing me to lose my thunder.

"Bella," Alice said, taking my face in her hands. "You are not going to end up with Jake. It just isn't going to work out that way. "

Alice and her uncanny ability to predict the future was something I got used to long ago. The scary part was that she was usually right.

"Then who am I going to end up with?" I said, genuinely pissed now, I threw the pan I was cleaning into the soapy water below. "Do tell, because I am starting to think I am just going to end up alone."

"Well, if you really want me to tell you I can, but it might ruin everything."

I had no idea what she was talking about and suddenly exhausted, I just wanted a change in subject.

"Can we lay off the Bella shit show for now please?" I asked my two best friends. "Rose tell us about all the naughty things you have planned for Emmett in Hawaii."

Rose smiled an evil grin and I knew that I was successful in my change of topic. Something that had not escaped Alice's attention as she looked at me as if to say 'hey missy, this conversation isn't over and I am going to keep bugging you till your life is in order.' I pretended not to see her as I focused on Rose.

"Well," she smirked, "He has this ukulele…"

~*~*~

The evening wore on and by the time the cake was cut and happy birthday was sung, I was emotionally drained. It had been a long day, between work, and the new CD, and the fight with Jake, and the discussion with the girls, all I wanted to do was curl up in a little ball and stay in bed for days.

"Damn Bella, I am so glad that you made this and not Alice, I can actually taste the butter. Yummm…" Jasper sighed as he savored a piece of his German chocolate birthday cake, made from scratch I might add.

Alice kicked her husband from her perch on the counter, but seemed to be enjoying her full fat, full sugar slice as well.

The front door opened and the sound of heavy footsteps reached us in the kitchen.

"Well, well, well. Look who showed for dessert." Jasper snickered at Emmett who returned the greeting with a birthday punch to Jasper's shoulder.

"That's my man, always getting here for the good stuff." Rose laughed as she let Emmett lick a glob of frosting off her cheek.

"Tasty" He said. "Though seriously, happy 30th you old man." As Emmett greeted the rest of the family, I moved to the counter to cut him a slice of cake. As I did, a set of familiar warm arms and a woodsy sent came around me.

"Hey," Jacob whispered in my ear.

"Hey," I said, whispering back. I pulled away long enough to hand Emmett his piece and cut another for Jake before letting him pull me close to his side.

We stood like that in silence for a while, eating our cake and watching the humorous banter before us. I leaned on Jake and hoped that I wouldn't hurt him again. He was always there for me, showing up just when I was feeling depressed to make me smile.

"It is going to be ok," was all he said before we made our goodbyes and went home.

By the next day, Jake and I had reached a tacit agreement to remain tacit. There would no be long, heart wrenching discussion dissecting our issues. Jacob wanted to ignore our fight and his accusations while I was more then happy to let him take the lead.

An overriding part of me said I should end it, before things got even more serious. But I had no desire to hurt him so I decided to just go with the flow until I could straighten my head out. After the newness of his CD things would go back to normal and I would deal with Jake.

The truth was, I liked being someone's girlfriend again. I missed knowing that I would always have a date on weekends or someone to hold my hand when I had a rough day.

Not only that, I liked Jacob. Even loved him, in my own limited way. But I was more then willing to give that up to see that Jake would be with someone he deserved. Someone who could love him with everything they had and wanted him with a burning passion. Except for now, I was what Jake wanted.

So things would remain how they were and I would be content with the memories of what it felt like to want something that much.


	5. Chapter 5

12 Years Ago

EPOV

Bella. Bella. Bella.

Her name was constantly running through my mind and driving me abso-fucking-loutly insane.

Part of me thought it a simple wanting what I couldn't have situation. Instant gratification was how I lived my life so it made sense that the first time I came upon a fine piece of ass that was unavailable I would become infatuated.

Except Bella wasn't a piece of ass.

There was more there then her whole rich bitch persona. . She had a troubled past and read books about the Civil War while listening to obscure music. She was a true believer in the many powers of said music.

She loved Pavement, adored John Prine, wished she could sing like Fiona Apple, and could rap ODB flawlessly.

Shimmy shimmy ya, indeed.

My life would be so much easier if she was what she appeared to be at first glance. Hating her would make it easier to go back to being someone she looked through everyday at school.

Because despite her jovial "see you on Monday, Edward" when we departed earlier that afternoon, I knew the world did not work like that. She was Bella Swan and I was Edward Cullen and we shouldn't be friends. Though I had my doubts, I fostered a secret hope that I would see her, that her boyfriend would disappear, and that she would want me as much as I wanted her.

I wanted to hear her talk about music and sink into her hot little body.

I wondered if she spent any time thinking about me. Probably not. She was most likely used to this, boys becoming obsessed with her.

And obsessed I was. All I could think about was her legs, her smile, and her voice. The way I wanted to bite the hollow between her shoulder and neck, and then work my way down to her—

"Edward!" I focused on my surrounds and was semi surprised to find Alice standing in front of me with her hands on her hips and a glare on her face. "I swear you are the most useless partner. And you normally are so good at this."

We were spending Saturday night in, playing pool in our basement. Alice and I were always partners. When we first moved here and got the table, no one wanted to play with me because I was the annoying little brother and no one wanted to play with Alice because she is so damn cute. We partnered up and kicked Emmett and Jaspers ass. It was fucking beautiful.

Bella was even affecting my pool game. It was pathetic.

"Yea look at how distracted Eddie is tonight. Why might that be?" Rosalie asked from the corner where she was drinking her gin and tonic while browsing a fashion magazine.

Rose never played, preferring to watch and make snide comments instead.

"Shut up Rose, and don't fucking call me that." I said as I missed yet another shot. Alice huffed in frustration.

"Good question cousin," Jasper said as Emmett high fived his girlfriend who had distracted me from the game. "What's up Edward?" He asked in an overly sweet tone.

He was referring to Bella, the bastard.

"Jasper will you please relax? Nothing happened with Bella, it was just…" I tried to figure out how best to describe what was going on with Bella and I. In the end I just gave up.

"Bella isn't one of your loose, floozy, easy chicks Edward. I know she doesn't show it, but she has been through a lot. She is just starting to get her life back together and I am not going to let you use her like you always do." Jasper said as he paced back and forth across my basement.

He was really starting to piss me off. I mean, ok. I did have sex rather frequently. And rarely with the same chick. But it is not like I was a man whore incapable of genuinely liking a girl. So I may have never actually done the relationship thing but that didn't mean anything.

Did it?

I also didn't like the way that Jasper was clumping Bella in with the rest of them. She was different.

"Fuck you Jasper," I said as I knocked the cue ball across the pool table. It failed to hit anything.

"Edward isn't going to use Bella Jazz, don't worry." Alice said, after whacking me with her pool cue for my piss poor performance. "First because he knows if he did he would have to deal with me."

Alice gave me a twisted grin that reminded me of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. I shuttered at the thought of Alice out for my blood.

"Plus," She continued as she made three of our remaining balls in, "He knows she is different, right Edward?"

"Right," I said, pulling Alice into a side hug. At least someone here understood.

"Fine," Jasper said, as he called the eight ball and sunk it, winning the game. "If Alice isn't worried then I'm not worried. But if you fuck this up I am going to kick your ass."

"Trust me Jasper, there is nothing to even fuck up. Who knows if she will even want to keep hanging out with me."

She fucking surprised me. Again.

Come Monday, I had mentally prepared myself for her to ignore me, to have forgotten all about our strange and wonderful time together last weekend. There was no fucking way I was going to let her get away with it, but I was prepared to deal with it if that's how she wanted to play it.

There was no need to worry.

I had barely set my backpack down and taken my seat in my first period biology class when a dainty little hand slapped a CD down on my desk.

I looked up to see Bella's prefect face inches from mine.

"Listen to this. It's like flying," was all she said before she straightened up and went to join her boyfriend in the back of the room.

Watching her leave, I realized I was in love with her. Just like that. I was fucking in love with Bella Swan and I had no idea what to do about it.

Goddamn it.

~*~*~

BPOV

Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. I was too keyed up to see Edward on Monday. It had been less then a day since I had seen him, but I missed him. As ridiculous as that sounded, it was the truth.

I wanted to be with him all the time, doing anything. I wanted to hear him sing and I wanted to see him play the guitar. I wanted to feel his calloused fingers trace my cheekbone again.

Frustrated, I threw my purple comforter away from my body. Careful not to wake the rest of the household, I snuck into Charlie's office and booted up his computer. I scrolled through the thousands upon thousands of mp3's on file. Between Charlie, king of the production world, Alice, queen of all things punk, and I, who liked pretty much anything and everything, we had a shit ton of selection.

I set about the work of making Edward a mix. Songs that reminded me of Edward all made me soar.

Monday morning I saw Edward, sitting in the front of our first period biology class. Now that I recognized him, I remembered all sorts of things about him. Like how we had Bio, Spanish, and AP History together. He sat with Alice, Jasper, a stunning blond who I was highly intimidated by, and his brother at lunch in the back corner of the cafeteria that was totally isolated from the rest of the school. He was always running his fingers through his hair and he never raised his hand in history class but always knew the right answer when our crazy teacher called on him.

I took a second to watch him drop his backpack by his desk and sit down in the huff before glaring down at the dark lab table. He really was a moody little thing.

Smiling I walked over and put my mix on his desk.

I wanted to stay and talk to Edward but I saw Mike glaring at Edward's back from the last row. Sighing, I took my seat next to my boyfriend and pecked his cheek.

"Morning," I said brightly as he transferred his glare from Edward to me. Perhaps if I ignored him he would go away.

"Who's that?" Mike said, nodding his blond head toward Edward.

"Who's what?" I asked, pretending to be absorbed in checking out my nails. This was the one area where I didn't let Alice interfere. I was always chewing on my nails and the French manicures that Alice favored tasted really bad.

"That guy you were talking to, you know. The one you gave the CD too?" He said, sounding flustered and annoyed.

"Oh, that is Edward Cullen." I said as I continued to fiddle about in my bag, finally emerging with Shelby Foote's Civil War Narrative. Maybe if Mike saw that I was reading he would leave me alone.

He was silent, but when I sneaked a peak at him over the top of my book, he was still glaring at me, obviously wanting further explanation.

"Who the fuck is Edward Cullen?" He finally said a little to loudly, causing Edward's head to move slightly. It was like he reflexively wanted to look back at the sound of his name but restrained himself at the last moment.

I smiled, unreasonably glad that he was listening.

"You know, Edward Cullen. He is my buddy." Buddy? Where the hell did I get that? I had no idea what he was, but buddy was definitely not right.

"Buddy? Since when?" Mike shouted again.

"Mike, will you be quite? You are making a scene. It is not a big deal."

"I just don't get why I haven't heard about this before." He said, sounding like a disgruntled five you old. He folded his arms, slouched in his chair, and pouted. God, he was ridiculous. And not in the good way that Edward said it, but the bad way.

I just shrugged, turning back to my book. I was tired of coddling Mike. It was like I had a toddler instead of a boyfriend. I big, annoying, horny toddler.

"So where were you all weekend then?" I slammed my book shut, really irritated now.

"Humm, let us see. Friday night I was with you, getting vomit all over my feet so naturally I was really not up for round two on Saturday night, so I stayed home and hung out with Angela. I told you all this when I let you know I wasn't going to Jessica's!"

"Well it just seems to me—" Luckily our teacher, Mr. Banner, called the class to attention and I was spared that insight into Mike's brain. I spent the remainder of the class ogling Edwards's back and reenacting our kiss in my head. At one point I was asked a question but completely missed it and was forced to tell Mr. Banner that I didn't know. It was worth the minor embarrassment though because Edward looked at me during my stuttering and smiled. I would do anything to see that look on his face again.

I spent the rest of the morning in a semi-stalker-ish state. I followed him after 1st period to the band room where he disappeared behind the black double doors. Unable to resist, I peaked through the narrow window to see him setting up by the piano. He was so musical, and I wanted more then anything to lie down on top of that piano and feel the vibrations of his notes in my bones.

I finally made it to my locker after 3rd period, all the time being on Edward look out. I was grabbing my math and history books when I noticed a small, square envelope at the bottom of my locker.

I bent to retrieve it, confused as to how it got in my locker. It was too fat to have slipped in through the cracks. It was probably Alice's.

I looked inside, frowning in my confusion. It was a blank CD. I turned over the envelope to read the note written in flowing script on the back.

Good Morning Sunshine,

Today I have, for your listening pleasure, a few things that remind me of you.

Perhaps if you like them, you will never feel the need to rap again.

I stuck in one Vampire Sunrise original.

Can you guess which one it is?

-E.C

I felt faint. I was legitimately swooning. Clutching the CD to my chest, I leaned against my locker to keep my knees from giving out and beamed at no one in particular.

It was like we were the same freaking person.

"Bella?" I groaned at the sound of Mike's voice. He was driving me insane lately. Between the lack of romance or chemistry, the vomit, and his unattractive little display of possessiveness this morning, I didn't want to talk to him at all.

"Hi Mike," I grumbled, sticking my new favorite procession in my shoulder bag. It was ridiculous; I hadn't even heard it yet.

"What was that?" he asked, looking to the bag where Edward's CD had just vanished.

"Oh just a note from Alice demanding that I go shopping with her after school." What. The. Hell. I was lying to Mike, something I never did. Avoiding the truth I could do, but I failed at straight up lying. I was not a very good liar and those who knew me well were able to call me on it easily the few times a year I attempted it.

My eyes got big, I bit my lip, and my voice went all high pitched, just like it did whenever I told a lie. I waited for Mike to say something about my intense change in manner and tried to come up with a reason for the lie. But that would inevitably be another lie and my problems would just start over.

And, more importantly, why was I even lying to my boyfriend?

"Oh ok, that is a bummer because I haven't seen you in forever." I stared at him in shock. Didn't he know that I was lying? Did he know me at all? "What are you doing after? Because I had something sexy in mind."

Mike had leaned in and used his hands on my hips to push me into the lockers. He crushed his lips to mine and I returned the kiss half heartedly, ending it after a split second.

"Can't sorry. Lots to do. Homework, all that." I said as I tried to wiggle my way out of his grasp.

"What the hell Bella? You never put out anymore and I am getting pretty sick of it. So are we going to hang out tonight or not?" He snapped.

What an ass.

"Listen Mike," I said, shoving my hands into his chest to get him the hell away from me. "You can just 'hang out' with yourself from now on because I am done. Have a great fucking day."

I turned on my heel, propelled forward by the overwhelming joy I felt at finally being rid of Mike.

"Bella, babe, don't be crazy. You can't just break up with me like that." He yelled at me as he pursued me down the hallway. People were staring and I was not enjoying the unnecessary attention.

"Really? Because I do believe I just did, Mike. Now leave me the hell alone."

"Over one stupid comment? You are nuts! A real lunatic."

"Well isn't it lucky that you are no longer dating this lunatic?" I marched up the stairs, rushing now to get to history.

"Bella, you come back here right now and I will forget this ever happened. Don't you walk away from me Isabella, this isn't over!" He continued to scream at me from the bottom of the stairs. Great.

Now that our little domestic drama had played out for the entire school, I would be the center of attention for days. Awesome.

I sat down in my chair with a thunk and a sigh.

And then it hit me.

I just dumped Mike, with very little thought or planning. I just went for it. Shouldn't I be upset or disappointed or something? All I felt was elation.

I started to hum "Free at Last" under my breath.

If there was ever proof that a relationship was not working it was my bizarre reaction to its termination.

The Groupies were going to shit. Angela would be hurt that I didn't talk to her about it before hand. Lauren would probably smile smugly, like she knew all along that my relationship was doomed. Jessica would probably go after Mike.

She could have him for all I cared.

"Hello," A velvety voice whispered in my ear.

I jumped half a foot in my seat, shocked to see that I just sat down next to Edward Cullen.


	6. Chapter 6

Now

EPOV

"Dad!" I smiled as I spotted Nessie across the parking lot. It was Friday afternoon and like every Friday afternoon I was in town, I picked up Nessie at school, we went surfing, and then out to dinner. It was something I looked forward to every week, sometimes it was the only thing I looked forward too. Nessie filled up all the empty places inside me that her mother left. Mostly.

I leaned against my Volvo, hidden behind a pair of sunglasses in an attempt to remain anonymous. I usually didn't have a problem with my famous face at Nessie's private school as I was not the most famous parent by a long shot, but the occasional lonely housewife would flirt shamelessly while my daughter stood by, giggling at my discomfort.

I smiled as I watched Nessie make slow progress towards me, every few feet she was stopped by her classmates. How Bella and I managed to produce such a social butterfly was beyond me. I was notoriously anti-social with anyone but my closest friends while Bella used being social as a kind of shield against the world.

Nessie genuinely liked people.

When Nessie finally made her way over to me, she ran the last couple feet and leapt into my arms. I lifted her little form off the ground and her tinkling giggle was the most beautiful music. My heart gave a lurch as her laughter reminded me of her mother's but I was able to push the depression down because I would have Nessie for the next 2 and a half days.

"Look Dad," she squeaked with excitement when I put her down. "It is a sketch of the caterpillars we have in class. Mrs. Duffy said we are going to draw them every week so we can chart their progress. It is science!"

I inched back away from the drawing so I could actually see what she was waving in my face. It was two caterpillars curled together on a leaf with the cage in the background. It was incredibly detailed, down to the veins on the leaves and the shadows underneath the bugs.

I was damn impressed, but not entirely surprised. Nessie was highly artistic, she could sing in perfect pitch and played the piano with soul. .

"Wow Ness, where and when did you learn to draw like this? And why do I not have any of your pictures hanging in my house?" I asked as I continued to study her artwork.

"I don't know. I just did it. Can we put it up on the refrigerator?"

"Let's say I get in framed and you can hang it anywhere in the house."

"Really?" She asked suddenly worried, he little brow creasing with concentration. "You think it is that good?"

"Yup." I said as I put my arm over her shoulder and steered her into the backseat of my car. I made a mental note to ask Alice about getting Nessie some art lessons. "So are you ready to hit the waves?"

"Definitely!"

After a couple hours in the ocean, I took Nessie to Cy's a little family owned diner that had the best milkshakes on the west coast. Nessie was bouncing excitedly in her seat across from me while she talked non-stop, filling me in on her week pausing only to plop a milkshake drenched fry into her perfect little mouth.

I resisted the urge to ask questions that would slowly get my daughter to talk about Bella. It was shameful really, that I resorted to tricking a ten year old into giving me glimpses into the life of my ex. I had tried asking Alice about her sister but she had a firm 'no Bella talk' policy that was also followed by Rose, Jasper, and even my own brother. Nessie was my only source and I craved hearing stories of Bella's life like I craved scotch on lonely nights.

This was one vice I would not deny myself.

"So have you listened any more to the new album?" I asked my daughter, wanting to know what she and her mother thought of our latest work.

"It is my favorite!" She yelled as she clapped her hands together. I grinned; everything was Nessie's favorite. From Bill Monroe to some alarming girl band called B*Witched, Nessie loved it all. "The best one is 'Never Sunny Sunday," can you teach me how to play the piano part? Please? Oh it is so good. It made mom cry for some reason though. She also cried during 'In the Areoplane Over the Sea.' Isn't that a cover?"

I perked up at this and immediately felt guilty. I didn't want to make Bella cry anymore then I already had. Though I really wasn't surprised,

"Yes, it is a Neutral Milk Hotel song. She didn't say why she cried?" I could guess, 'Never Sunny,' was a bluesy ballad that spoke of loss and unattainable redemption. It also had some direct references to Bella. I used to try to disguise her influence in my music, knowing that she would listen to it and hoping that she wouldn't find out how much she was still apart of me. On this last album, I had let go for the first time, just writing down what came to me. I was too tired to keep pretending.

"No, she said she had allergies, but I am not that dumb. I didn't want to make her feel worse though. I was just glad she is letting me play it in the car on the way to school every morning. I don't think Jake likes it though."

As she went on to describe the latest video game war she and Jake got into I seethed in silence while working on keeping a normal look on my face.

Jacob Black. How I hated him. From the moment he moved here, it was obvious that he had the hots for Bella. He continued to show his interest, despite me making it clear that he needed to back off. Bella hadn't helped though, claiming that she liked Jake and enjoyed being his friend. She would reassure me with her kisses that she had zero interest in him.

And now it was Jake that got her reassuring kisses.

When I first heard they started dating about a year ago, it took all my will power to refrain from driving to the auto shop where he worked and kicking his ass. When I ruled that option out, I seriously considered getting drunk for the first time since I got sober 7 years ago.

I made music instead. The end result after that extremely productive period of time was our latest album, New Moon.

And the sick part was, after all this time, I didn't give a flying fuck if it bombed or went platinum, only the opinion of one person mattered.

On the car ride home, we stuck to safer topics. School, the band, and her Uncle Emmett.

"Why can't they just get married?" Nessie was complaining as we drove home from the restaurant. "I liked being the flower girl for Aunt Ali and Uncle Jaspers wedding. If they get married I could wear a beautiful dress." Alice and Jasper got married five years ago. It was the last time I saw Bella. She wouldn't even look at me and danced all night with Jacob. "Do you think they love each other?" Nessie asked, bringing me back to the present.

"Of course I do." Emmet and Rose had been together since the move to L.A and had lived together since we graduated high school. Emmett had been asking Rosalie to marry him for years. She claimed she didn't believe in the whole institution and refused, saying she liked the way things were. They had some major blowouts about it, but I got the sense it was some form of sexual foreplay for them. Sometimes with Rose and Emmett, it was best not to ask.

"Then why don't they get married?"

I sighed. Ness was to smart for her own good. It was tough answering some of her questions.

"Because they are happy the way things are. Sometimes adults are silly about relationships." I said, praying that she would get off this line of questioning.

"Someday I am going to get married. And I am going to have a big puffy dress."

"Not to soon I hope." I grumbled, not liking to think about how quickly my little girl was growing up.

"Do you love Tanya?"

"I don't know yet. Right now we are still getting to know each other. Maybe someday I will. " Not fucking likely.

"I think Mama loves Jake. Maybe they will get married." I considered pulling over and laying down in the middle of the highway at the thought. "Daddy?"

"Yes sweetheart?" I said, nervous at her tone. She was about to use her full arsenal of charms to get me to do something for her. Like I could deny her anything.

"I know you don't like to talk about it, but could you please, please, tell me about when you and Mom fell in love? I don't remember it. Mom says I was too little when we left." I ran a hand through my hair in frustration. Recently, Nessie had been asking a lot of questions about Bella and I. She was naturally curious about where she came from, but I hated talking to her about it. Thinking of the happy little family unit we could have been if only I hadn't been such an idiot and if Bella had loved me for real was exhausting.

So I did the only thing I could think of. I told her. She said she had heard the story lots of times, but only from Bella. Apparently, it was one of Nessie's favorite bedtime stories. That was something I would have known, if I could only had been there.

When I was done, Nessie had more questions.

"So now you don't love each other?" She asked quietly from the back seat as she stared down at that hands in her lap. She looked so sad. My heart broke for my daughter. I wanted to give her everything, but I couldn't give her want she really needed, a complete set of parents who loved each other.

"I will always love your mother in a way Nessie," I said, unwilling to lie to my daughter about something so important. "We were so young when we had you, it was to much. But we both love you so much, and that is what really matters."

"I love you too Dad," She said as we pulled into my gated driveway that was hidden by thick forest and shrubbery. I pulled the Volvo into the garage attached to my house. I bought it last year and loved it. It was a one level, 5 bedroom, 4 bath that sat on the beach. The ceilings were a dark wood and the floors were orange Spanish tile.

I walked into the roomy kitchen, dropping Nessie's backpack on the kitchen table as I went. I paused to stare out the floor to ceiling windows, looking past the swimming pool, and the green lawn with its massive ancient oak trees to the water.

With a rolled up piece of scotch tape, I replaced the landscape hanging in the kitchen with Nessie's bugs. It would have to do until I could get it framed.

~*~*~

BPOV

Over the weekend, things with Jake settled back into the normal, comfortable routine. At times I even forgot that there was a huge Edward shaped elephant in the room.

On Friday night Jake took me out to dinner at a local Mexican food restaurant. The decoration was kitschy, and the live mariachi band was too loud, but the food was good and Jake made me laugh.

We made love all night, but I woke up Saturday morning alone.

That night we stayed in and watched movies. Jacob let me pick, but was so bored with my Tim Burton choice that he fell asleep promptly when the movie began.

When it ended, I woke him up with my hand in his pants and my lips on his in an attempt to ease more of the sorrow between us. I must have done something right because I woke up in his arms.

But Sunday, I really started to believe all was well. After making him a big, eggy breakfast, we went to the local farmers market and art show. We walked hand in hand through the rows of fresh fruit and veggies and enjoyed just being together.

"So Bella," He said that evening when we got home while I was slicing organic zucchini and making a frittata for dinner. "I was thinking of going to Forks, visiting the old man, hanging out with Quil and Embry."

"And when is this big trip to Washington?" I asked, still focusing on thinly slicing the vegetables.

"Well that depends on when you can get of work." He said from somewhere behind me. My rhythmic slicing faltered only momentarily as I processed this.

Jake wanted us to go away together. It was one of those things that only serious couples did. And I didn't want to do anything that made Jake and I seem more serious.

But I had to give Jake something, it had been a rough week for the two of us. I had to show him that I could be everything he wanted in a girlfriend. I also sensed that Jacob was throwing down some sort of gauntlet. This was a challenge, a test to see if I could ever love him like he deserved. And I was never one to back out of a challenge.

Except maybe with Edward.

"You want me to go with you? To Forks?" I clarified, still hoping to get out of it somehow.

"Yup, you haven't seen Billy since we started dating. Plus it would be nice to get away for a long weekend. Maybe we could take a Friday and Monday off." He had come up behind me and was working the tension out of my shoulders.

"Well," I began, turning to wrap my arms around his waist while I ran through my schedule and Nessie's in my head. "Things at work should have slowed down some by the end of the month. So yes, soon."

"Really!?!" He said sounding like a jubilant little kid, reminding me of when we first met. "You'll come away with me?"

I nodded shyly, grinning at his joyous reaction. This horrible trip might just be worth it if this one little thing made Jake so damn happy.

Jake let out a some sort of war cry as picked me up, spun me around, and set me down on the counter in front of him.

"Bella, I love you. It is going to be great." He kissed me quickly before pulling away to smile at me, only to return a moment later to kiss me again more seriously.

I sighed, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. I drew him closer, enjoying his heat. One hand supported my back with his palm against my skin while the other cupped my breast. Then I heard the pitter-patter of little feet.

I broke away from Jake at the sound of Nessie's groan that quickly followed.

"Jeeze Mom, you guys are gross." She said, crossing her arms and glaring at Jake and I entangled on the counter. I smiled at my daughter and was about to welcome her home when a talk figure appeared behind her.

He was here, in my house. In the flesh, standing behind our daughter, he looked more beautiful then I remembered. My hands shoved Jake away with much more force then necessary.

I was feeling guilty again. It took me years to stop feeling like I was cheating on Edward every time I was physical with another man.

The guilt was back with a vengeance. Jake would be pissed, but I couldn't deal with that now.

Edward was in my house.

"Mom! Aunt Alice called saying she had a fashion emergency. And you were not answering your phone so Dad drove me home and now I am going to show him my room." She explained.

After her little announcement, the kitchen slipped into an uncomfortable silence during which I hopped off the counter and went to give my daughter a hug, an act that brought me much too close to Edward. I was like a freaking magnet, inexplicably drawn to this man. His eyes locked on mine above the head of our child and I couldn't seem to breathe.

"Cullen," Jacob said curtly in way of greeting I assumed, but also to end the weird moment Edward and I were having.

"Black," Edward said back without taking his startling green eyes off mine.

"So what are you doing here?" Jacob asked. I could hear the anger in his voice.

"Just dropping off Nessie. I did call." He said, sparing only the briefest of glances for Jake after turning back to me with apologies written all over his face.

Jacob just growled. I realize I had yet to say anything at all.

"Mom, are you ok?" Nessie asked as she tugged on my arm. I shuddered to think of the expression on my face.

"Um, yes." I said. My voice sounded odd to my own ears, quiet and unsure. "Yes," I said louder looking down at Nessie. "Hello Edward." I said, proud that my voice sounded like it belonged to a powerful executive music producer.

"Hello Bella," He replied, breaking into my favorite crooked smile. Before I knew it I felt my face shift in to a wide grin in response.

Jake growled again, but I continued to ignore him, reveling in this reunion. It had been 5 years since Alice and Jasper got married. Since then, I had managed to avoid him. I relied heavily on Alice and Rose to get Nessie to and from Edwards's.

The last time I saw him, Edward was attached to a statuesque blond that towered over me. Though I wouldn't have thought it possible, my heart broke all over again. Until the wedding, I had always fostered a secret hope that Edward and I would find our way back to each other somehow. My delusions were shattered that day and I couldn't bare the thought of seeing him on a regular basis.

"Come on Dad, I want to show you my room. And my new fish tank!" She grabbed his hand and led him out of the kitchen. Edward continued to look at me, turning his head to do so until he finally disappeared from my view, flashing me a final crooked smile.

I let out a shuddering breath and turned back to my dinner preparations.

"Goddamn it, Bella," said Jake as he sat heavily on a stool by the central kitchen island.

"What?" I asked, innocently, pretending not to know what he was talking about.

"You should have seen your face when he walked in here."

"Oh?" Slice, slice, slice, don't think, don't think, don't think.

"Are you ever going to smile at me like that?" Poor Jake. I was really trying to be better but I couldn't do it when Edward was actually here, in my house, in my kitchen. The truth was, Jake was lucky I didn't run into Edwards arms and beg him to take me back. Not that Edward would have agreed, I burned that bridge long ago.

"That was a smile of surprise Jake, nothing more. What kind of dressing do you want on your salad?"

"I do not care about fucking salad dressing! Bella, just promise me that he isn't coming back into your life, that this is just a one time thing. Right?"

"Jake," I said, moving to him and reaching out to touch his shoulder, "You have absolutely nothing to worry about."

~*~*~

EPOV

Bella was not answering her phone. Alice had called to say she had a last minute emergency dressing one of her fabulous clients and she couldn't get a hold of Bella either.

"Dad, you can just take me. Mom always serves dinner at 6:30 and she promised to make frittata I am hungry."

"Let me just try your mother one more time." I didn't want to take Nessie to Bella's house. I was not capable of getting that close to her without actually seeing her. I didn't want to want to see Bella this badly.

She didn't answer. I smirked at my daughter.

"Alright Nessie, lets go!"

"Great! And when we get there you can see my room." As we made the quick drive to Bella's neighborhood, Nessie babbled on about everything she wanted to show me. I couldn't even focus on her words, my entire body was buzzing with the anticipation of seeing Bella again.

Then Nessie led me into the kitchen and I saw red.

She was sitting on the counter, wrapped around the massive form of Jacob Black. How I hated that dog faced, juvenile ass hat.

"Jeeze Mom, you guys are gross." Nessie said, looking between Bella and I nervously.

At the sound of our daughters voice Bella quickly pulled away and gave Jacob a surprisingly hard shove that had him flying into the refrigerator behind them when she saw me.

I stared at her face, soaking her in, saving her features just in case it was another five years until I saw her again. I resolved right then and there to never let that happen again.

She walked towards Nessie and I. For a delusional moment I thought she might come to me, wrap her arms around my waist, and kiss my jaw just like she used to. I thought for a moment she might say she loved me and tell me to kiss her like I meant it.

Instead she wrapped her arms around Nessie and I actually was jealous of my own daughter

We made eye contact over Nessie's head.

Damn she was beautiful.

"Cullen," Not even Jacob could upset me when Bella was looking at me like I was all she ever loved or needed in this world. Too bad it was all just an illusion, smoke and mirrors. She didn't love me and sometimes I doubted whether she ever had.

"Black," I said without even bothering to look at him.

"So what are you doing here?" He asked.

"Just dropping off Nessie. I did call." I glared at him quickly noting the territorial tone of his voice before bringing my eyes back to Bella.

I felt the glow of satisfaction when Jacob growled at me. He was not acting like a man confident in his relationship.

"Mom, are you ok?" Nessie asked. Bella was more then ok she was perfect.

"Um, yes." She whispered. "Yes, hello Edward." Ah there was her voice, sweet and compelling on the surface but capable of dripping with blues when she sang or sex when we were in bed.

"Hello Bella," I couldn't help but smile at her and my heart stopped beating when she returned my grin.

After that Nessie showed me her room including the bright walls complete with huge flowers that Nessie and Bella had painted themselves, the mammoth dress up bin in the closet, and of course her impressive fish tank.

"Nessie! Wash up, dinner will be ready in 3 minutes." Bella called from the bottom of the stairs. I hugged my daughter goodbye before she retreated to the bathroom and I followed the sound of Bella's voice down the stairs.

When I got to the bottom she turned to face me. We exchanged sad little smiles.

"I would invite you to stay for dinner, but…" She trailed off, nodding her head toward the kitchen where I could hear Jacob pacing.

"I understand. I have rehearsal anyway."

She looked quickly over her shoulder, checking to see if Jake had appeared in the arch leading to the kitchen before she closed the space between us and placed a hand on my shoulder to steady herself and she stretched to whisper in my ear.

I took a deep breath, savoring her strawberry shampoo. I was glad the years had not changed this.

"New Moon, it is brilliant Edward." She pulled back and smiled at me. I couldn't help touching her then, just the back of my hand across her cheek. She closed her eyes and tilted her face toward my hand.

We both took a sharp, shocked breath at the electric current that flowed between out skin. I thought time would have dulled the sensation or that the memory in my head would have exaggerated it, but if anything it had gotten stronger.

I really wanted to kiss her, among other things.

Somehow my face had traveled closer to hers, compelled by some invisible magnetic force.

"Bella…" I crooned, inhaling her sent again as I leaned into her lips.

Her eyes opened before I got there and they flashed to mine. They reflected the desire, confusion, and angst that were currently running through me as well.

Then she was gone; I saw her pull on that fascinating and frustrating shield, effectively closing me out. Her eyes were blank.

I dropped my hand to my side, sighing. I knew there was no arguing with Bella once she made up her mind about something.

She took a step back and a deep steadying breath.

"It was good to see you Edward." She said as she subtly navigated me to the front door.

I ran my fingers through my hair, hating the way we were back to this ridged formality after what almost happened in the hallway.

"Listen Bella, do you typically spend all your time with Nessie wrapped around that fucking lumberjack?" Suddenly beyond angry at the entire situation, I needed to vent. Anything to give me a few extra moments with her.

"Is lumberjack even an insult?" She asked.

"You are completely missing the point! I don't want my daughter involved in any sort of sex fest, I shutter to think of the things she had seen living with you." I was being completely unfair. I knew she was an excellent mother who would never do anything inappropriate around Nessie. But there was nothing more fun then arguing with Bella. There was always the slim chance that she would take my words seriously and stop touching him. It was really a win win situation for me.

"Quit being a drama queen Edward." There was my feisty girl.

"It is a very real concern. That shit could scar her for life, she will never be able to look at counters the same way again."

"Alright, that's enough Dr. Phil. Time to go."

"Dr. Phil? Really Bella I think you should leave the nicknames to me. Lumberjack is so much more creative."

"Goodbye Edward" she said, finally done with my shenanigans. I grimaced as I remembered that last time she said that word to me.

"Goodbye Bella," I said, putting my hand out to block the door before she shut it on me for good. "I will see you soon ok?"

She raised an eyebrow at my parting remark.

"Whatever you say Edward."

She closed the door then, going back to her Jacob and forcing me to go back to my real life too. On her doorstep I made a pact with myself to see Bella as much as possible, even if our interaction was the fucking formality she seemed so determined to treat me with. Something was better then nothing.

Plus she called me brilliant and that was enough to have me floating for a week.


	7. Chapter 7

BPOV familiar

Exactly a week and a day after Edward was in my kitchen, I found them tucked under a stack of old electric bills in my home office.

Two mixed CDs in yellowing envelopes.

I promptly fell out of my chair when I realized what I had unearthed.

He said he would see me soon. Eight days was not soon.

Once I got a little glimpse of him, I wanted to see him every second of every day. And now I was going through withdrawals. I was shaky, on edge.

This had to be some sort of cosmic sign, fate trying to torture me.

What were the chances, just days after seeing him for the first time in years, that I would find this in my home office. I didn't even know I still had them. Most of the mementoes of our past had been left behind in our first apartment or purged by Alice in an attempt to get me out of bed in those first horrible weeks.

So how did they get in my office? I spent a lot of time in here over the years and though it was a bit cluttered, I knew where everything was. Organized chaos.

Could someone have put them here? Was Edward sending me some sort of message? Making good on his desire to see me again?

It was a very Edward thing to do, nostalgic, romantic. If I wasn't completely crazy and wasn't seeing things that weren't there, then he was reminding me of a time when we were happy. When all I needed was his hand in mine.

Cursing myself for my wild speculations, I went back to finding the contracts I was looking for and decided to ignore this bizarre occurrence. That was all this was.

I listened to both of them throughout the following days and well into the sleepless nights where I lay in bed thinking about him. Past and present versions.

Another week passed and still no promised Edward sighting. I hoped he would drop off Nessie that Sunday like he did the week before and even made sure Jake was no where near my house. I was disappointed when Alice and Jasper strolled in with my daughter and a stack of pizzas for dinner.

Carbs and cheese only momentarily distracted me from my obsession and I vividly dreamed of Edward that night.

Coincidence. It was just a coincidence. I repeated the word over and over again until the following Wednesday when Angela delivered something that had my brain calculating all the possible implications all over again.

"What is this? You brought me lunch?" I smiled at Angela as she plopped an In-N-Out paper bag on my desk.

"Not exactly. It was delivered."

"Since when do they deliver?"

"They don't, this guy just dropped it off in the front office and said it was for you. You don't think it is a bomb or poisoned or something. Do you?"

"Whoever is poisoning me knows the right way to do it. They got the burger perfect. Cheeseburger, grilled onions, no mustard," I said examining it.

"Maybe it a bribe," Angela said as she sat across the desk from me and pulled out her own salad.

"A record contract for lunch? Effective." I removed the fries and drink from the sack, taking a big gulp. "They even got the drink right, lemonade and Sprite. Damn, I haven't had this since high school."

"High school, huh?"

"Yea, with Edward." Angela's face blurred in front of me as the memories flooded back. Our first official date on the beach, as Edward called it, which was ruined by a call from Mike. The countless nights during my pregnancy where Edward drove across the city to find an In-N-Out open into the wee hours. Edward's smile as he teased me for eating like a linebacker.

I snapped myself out of it and realized Angela was staring at me with a combination of shock and concern.

"What?" I asked her, trying to decode her facial expression.

"Nothing," she said, turning her attention back to her salad.

"Come on Ang, I have known you long enough to tell when you have something to say. Just spit it out."

"Well, you mentioned him. Edward."

"And?"

"I don't think I have heard you say his name once in the last 8 years."

I made a non-committal sound. I wondered again if Edward was somehow behind these happenings that conveniently reminded me of a past life.

The next Friday, all doubt was whipped from my mind. I left work around nine that night in an attempt to catch up on some work without having to worry about getting home for Nessie. As I approached my car I noticed a dark, narrow object resting on my windshield.

I got closer, puzzled and curious.

It was a paintbrush with dark bristles and a pale wooden handle.

I giggled as I picked it up and attempted to finagle open the car door with my arms full of paperwork and demos. The hysterical laughter came when I finally say down, remembering again and trying to figure out just what I was going to do about Edward freaking Cullen.

~*~*~

12 Years Ago

EPOV

My hand really fucking hurt. The right one, the guitar strumming hand. All because of a brown eyed, music loving goddess and her asshole boyfriend.

Excellent.

Before 3rd period I was on Bella patrol. Not that I needed to focus on being hyper attuned to her every movement, but today I was working extra hard to see her. Most unfortunately, I eventually found her, pressed up against her locker, kissing her boyfriend.

Just like she kissed me three goddamn nights ago.

So naturally I handled it by darting around the corner and punching the closest locker.

All of this for one, inconsequential chick who was very unavailable? It was not like I had a problem getting girls. Not only was I in a band, but also I was such a goddamn pretty boy I had to practically beat them off.

The worst part was, Bella's treatment of me exactly followed my own methods for dealing with girls. Love 'um and leave 'um. Until now I always thought it was for the best.

Things were not so shinny on the other side of the coin.

Alice found me right by the now dented locker I punched, staring at my hand in confusion. I really wasn't a violent person, I was more about peace, love, and rock'n'roll. Sure, I had been known to beat on Emmett or Jasper on occasion, but I had never acted in anger like this before.

The she-devil was going to be the death of me.

"What happened?" Alice sighed as she looked from my red knuckles to the disfigured locker.

"I punched it."

"Did the locker do something to deserve such punishment?"

"Well, no. Not really. Just felt the need to hit something."

"Who are you," she said, eyes wide in shock. "Emmett?"

Good God I was acting like my Neanderthal big brother. This madness had to fucking end.

I went back to staring at my hand, figuring out how to get my shit together, and trying to ignore Alice's all to knowing look.

"Edward… is this about who I think this is about?"

I would not answer.

"It is, isn't it? Holy shit."

Goddamn, I hated that gloating tone of her voice.

"Edward and Bella, sitting in a tree,"

I could not believe she was doing this.

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G"

Alice was dancing now and attracting the attention of our fellow, worthless students. I would not give in to her ridiculousness.

"First comes love,"

Thinking of the word 'love' made me want to vomit. My earlier revelation had me all jittery and freaked. The universe was getting back at me for all the girls I didn't date by making me fall in love with the only one I couldn't have.

"Then comes marriage,"

"ALICE!" Alright, so the punk rock pixie got the best of me, but I could not hear the end of that song. "Shut it, will you?"

"Don't growl at me Edward Cullen. It is not my fault you love my sister but don't have the ganas to do anything about it."

My face fell at her very accurate accusation.

"Ah Ha," Alice jumped in triumph, "I knew it. So are you going to ask for my help or what?"

"Wait, you actually want me to like your sister?"

"Of course silly, have you met her boyfriend? Gross. Plus I have known for awhile now that you two are meant to be together."

"Okay," was all I could think to say to that lofty statement. Alice just smiled at me sweetly. "Are you sure? Because I am kind of a fuck up and I have never really had a girlfriend and that is what I know Bella would want. You know a… relationship." I shuttered at the word.

"You will figure it out Edward, you are a good guy and you love her."

"Would you stop saying that? Goddamn."

"Sorry, I guess you just aren't ready to hear it yet."

"No, I am really not. Plus there is this huge issue named fucking asshole Newton."

"I don't think that is going to be a problem much longer."

"Why? Has Bella said something about breaking up with him?" I asked Alice, excited to be talking to her for the first time since she started singing. She turned from me smiling and shaking her head. I followed her down the hall, vaguely noting that we were headed in the general direction of my next class.

"Has she said anything about me? Alice, what do you know?"

"When did you turn into such a whiner? Listen, we are sisters so there is no way I would ever break that confidence, but I can do this for you. Tomorrow night we are finishing painting Jasper's new place and I will make sure Bella is there ok? The rest is up to you."

"Right."

"Your next class?" She said, looking exasperated, "AP History? With Bella? That would be a good place to start."

"Right." I said, still in a bit of a daze as I tried to assimilate the knowledge that Alice wanted to help me get into a… relationship… with her sister.

"GO!" Alice screamed as she forcefully pushed me toward the classroom and out of my daze. I grinned at her before taking the seat, rows in front of my normal chair, to the left of where Bella sat every day.

She wasn't there yet and stared at the door intently, waiting for her to appear in the doorway. When she finally stalked in, she seemed to be on some sort of rampage, storming the classroom with a fire in her eyes that I hoped was never directed my direction.

She threw her bag down and sat heavily next to me.

I waited for her to acknowledge my presence.

Nothing.

She glared into space and muttered under her breath incoherently.

I didn't know how to talk to her without being excessively awkward, but I didn't want her to be upset. And then she started grinning in a way that reminded me of her lunatic sister and seemed to be humming a perky song.

When she started giggling at nothing I got worried.

I cleared my throat and took a deep, steadying breath before I whispered hello in her ear.

She jumped twelve feet in the air and I worried that I had made things worse. But then the shock written all over her face was replaced with joy so she must have been at least a little happy to see me.

"Edward!" She said as she abruptly threw her arms around me. As suddenly as she hugged me, she pulled away, turning a bright pink as she did so.

"Sorry, I am so sorry. I am just really happy to see you. This huge thing just happened and then here you were, like you were waiting for me."

"I was waiting for you," I pointed out.

"I got your mix, thank you. Funny, isn't it?"

"Great minds." I went back to just looking at her as Mr. Buchannan brought the class to attention. I wished I had asked her about the huge thing that happened.

~*~*~

"You are going to have a fucking green living room Jasper. This is great." Emmett commented cheerfully from the oversized brown leather couch that I had helped Alice transport from Goodwill to Jasper's hole in the wall apartment last weekend.

"Yea no thanks to you, you big lazy caveman." Jasper snapped, "Plus it is not green, it is Saybrook Sage."

"Don't encourage him, Jazz. Believe me it is for the best that he is nowhere near the paint. He has the motor skills of a two year old." I put in from my perch on a ladder as I painted the edge of the wall. This was quite nice, soothing even. Back and forth.

I was the calm little center of the universe, painting Jaspers wall. Yup, calm, cool, collected. I wasn't currently freaking out that Bella would arrive any minute. I was just painting, changing this big fucking wall from insane asylum white to Saybrook Sage. For the last two days, I had succeeded in being semi coherent, even charming during the classes we shared together. But now she was coming into my little world and I desperately wanted her to like it.

"Well excuse me for not having a vagina like you two."

"Thank god for that." Rosalie said, emerging from the small galley kitchen and handing Emmett a beer.

"Fuck you Emmett, I like this painting business. Actually, I think I should do this more often. I am a regular fucking Rembrandt over here," I said, sweeping my arm in a large circular pattern to prove my point.

The next thing I knew, Emmett had ripped me off the ladder and was holding me to the ground while Jasper bent over my face, pressing a sharpie to my upper lip. I sat up bemused, staring at my supposed best friends in front of me.

"There, now you look like the fucking tortured artist you so want to be," Jasper smirked.

I was willing to bet my favorite Gibson that there was a thin mustache doodled over my mouth.

Rosalie walked over and stuffed a goddamn beret on my head and said "voila."

It was in this proud moment that Alice opened the front door and Bella entered the apartment.

Alice spared me one pitying glance, before carting her stack of pizzas into the kitchen, stepping over me and kissing Jasper in the process.

My eyes never left Bella's feet. She had not moved from her position in the doorway. I took in her black high heels that showed just a bit of her bright red toenails. My eyes slowly traveled up her bare legs, to her black ruffled skirt, and then to her long sleeved, v-neck shirt that matched the color we were painting Jasper's walls.

I finally got to Bella's breath taking face.

It was contorted with silent laughter.

How the hell was I going to recover from this? My mission to impress Bella was in serious trouble. I wanted her to think I was manly, and tough, a better alternative to her current boyfriend. A regular white knight. Yet here I was on the floor with a sharpied on mustache and a ridiculous hat.

On the plus side, from my position on the floor, I could almost see all the way up Bella's skirt. I wondered what color her panties were.

"Nice facial hair," she finally said between giggles. I grinned in response. I was not pleased about the whole debacle, but if it made Bella laugh then it was worth it. Almost.

"Oui," I said as she offered me her hand to get me off the floor. The buzz that always accompanied contact between us continued to surprise me as much as it pleased me. Even so, I lamented the loss of the spectacular view.

It took me a good 20 seconds to realize we were both just staring at each other like a couple of idiots and that everyone was staring at us staring at each other.

"Ah-hem," Alice fake-coughed daintily. Rosalie laughed. That bitch. "Bella, this is Emmett and Rosalie. Guys, this is my sister Bella."

Bella murmured a brief hello and flushed. God she was so beautiful when she was embarrassed.

"Hello," She said, dragging her gaze from the floor to a smirking Emmett with an evil looking Rosalie on his lap.

"Good to meet you Bella," Emmett said.

"'Bout damn time." Rose said. "Glad to see the princess has finally descended her thrown to mingle with the common folk."

"Excuse me?" Bella asked, sticking her chin out and putting a hand on her cocked hip.

"Rose," Jasper interrupted, sticking his head out the window that connected his living room and tiny kitchen. "Try not to be such a raging bitch for one evening please. Who wants pizza?"

We all shuffled into the kitchen and loaded our paper plates with pepperoni, sausage, and onion. Apparently Alice got this last slightly strange selection just for her sister. It was Bella's favorite. I filled it away in the rapidly growing Bella file in my head.

Alice, the slave driver, forced us all to inhale our dinner to get back to the painting.

"The quicker we paint," she said, "the quicker we can get really drunk and break this place in for real. We only have a few walls to go people, we can do this!"

I barely managed to get down one slice. Half way through my first piece, Bella got some sauce on her lip that she promptly licked off. The speedy dart of her little pink tongue practically sent me into convulsions so I opted to fill up on beer instead.

Between Rosalie acting like a bitch, Emmett taking everything Bella did as a joke, Jasper doing his best to maintain peace, Alice giggling constantly, and my inability to take my eyes of our guest, it was going to be a long goddamn night.

~*~*~

BPOV

"So how long have you known Alice and Jasper anyway?" Edward and I were sitting on Jasper's bed. We had finished painting the room half an hour ago and were hiding out to avoid being forced to move furniture around the now green living room.

We had all been assigned rooms. Jasper and Alice finished the living room, Rosalie was painting the limited space in the kitchen while Emmett looked on, and Edward and I had the bedroom.

I wondered if Alice could foresee the dirty thoughts that sprang to my mind just from being in the same vicinity as Edward Cullen and a bed.

Probably.

"Well," Edward said as he reclined on his elbows and nursed his beer. "I have known Jasper forever, his aunt grew up with my mom back in Texas. I met Alice when we moved here when I was in 8th grade. "

All this time, he had been so close and I was too wrapped up in my own self-preservation to notice.

"I'm sorry." I blurted out.

"Don't be." He said, smiling slightly, knowing exactly what I was talking about.

He always did.

Since the break up with Mike, I had been spending more time with Edward. Sitting by him in all our classes, letting him walk me to my next one. There were never those awkward pauses in conversation or the typical safe, boring get to know you questions and answers. We were perpetually on the same wavelength and somehow we managed to skip the first stage and leap into being friends. Good friends. More then friends?

I hoped so, but Edward seemed to not want that. After the break-up, I thought Edward would have mentioned something. He obviously was not a Mike fan and I figured it would come up. But he didn't say a word.

"We did a pretty good job on this room if I don't say so myself," I said in an attempt to alleviate some of the tension that had crept into the room. "I kind of like painting, even if it is mandatory."

"That is exactly the kind of talk that led to this." Edward said, pointing to his upper lip. His delicate mustache was now slightly smeared from an attempt to wash it away, but still clung stubbornly to his face. "Apparently, my friends are highly against enjoying this sort of work."

I giggled at his admission.

As stressed as I was about attending this forced labor party, it was worth it. I was so happy, just being near Edward. Yesterday, after history, he was edgy. Stuttering something about how nice I looked before cussing a bit and finally talking to me about our various mixes. We had three overlapping songs, but mine was a cohesive mix with one song flowing seamlessly into the next. His was all over the place and I loved all of it, from Led Zeppelin to Toad the Wet Sprocket. The Vampire Sunrise original was track number 3 and it was extraordinary. I wanted nothing more then to get them in the sound booth in our basement and removed the technical distractions in the recording.

"Aw, I think it's kind of dashing." I joked, nudging his foot with my own.

"Oh really? Because I think you would look great with one too." He snagged my foot a pulled me toward him across the bed.

From there it was a lot of giggling, and squealing on my part as Edward playfully attempted to restrain me and give me matching facial hair. Thankfully, he was distracted from his mission to doodle on my face when he found a particularly ticklish area on my side, just below my ribs.

When I was laughing so hard there were tears in my eyes I finally said 'Uncle.'

It was then I realized that he was completely on top of me. His lower half rested in between my knees and he supported himself with a hand on either side of my head.

I was on fire. Every part of me that was touching parts of him screamed for more. Both breathing heavily now, he slowly lowered his head to mine as I closed my eyes and parted my lips.

"Hey you two," yelled Alice from the doorway causing Edward and I to leap apart. "No fornicating on my bed."

"Really? None at all? And it whose bed is it?" Jasper asked as he materialized behind Alice.

"Get out here," She continued, ignoring Jasper with an eye roll. "It is finally done."

I stood quickly, patting my hair self-consciously and trying to tame the intense blush that flamed all the way to my neck. Edward laughed at my embarrassment and pulled me into the living room, not letting go of my hand even once we stopped to take in Alice's masterpiece.

I looked around in awe of my tiny big sister. Somehow Alice had managed to change the dreary apartment into a cozy, comfortable, and stylish home. The dark brown couches were accented with burgundy pillows and a matching throw. The coffee table held fresh flowers while the side table between the couch and the love seat held an abstract looking lamp and a row of candles. The bookcase in the corner housed Jasper's favorite military books as well as a stack of Alice's fashion magazines. I recognized the large TV as the one that was replaced in our own home by a flat screen. It wasn't touching the wall yet because of the wet paint. The room was finished with beige floor length curtains with long, dark spirals and framed prints of Toulouse-Lautrec, Alice's favorite artist.

It was damn impressive and we all told her so.

Drink's were poured, toasts were made, and pretty soon we were all well on our way to being wasted.

Though it was a school night, Charlie was still out of town and this was a special occasion. Plus, I needed something to relax. Edwards's eyes lingered on me all night and sometimes I couldn't breath he was so beautiful.

After a few drinks, it was decided that it was time for games and Rosalie insisted on Never Have I Ever. I was not particularly thrilled to learn about or share with this group of people but the games, like the painting, was mandatory.

"Never have I ever had sex on a public bus." Alice said, grinning wickedly at Rosalie.

So far I had discovered that Jasper had never left the country, that Alice had never gone more then a week without shopping, that Edward once dated a 25 year old, and far more then I ever wanted to know about Rosalie and Emmett's sex life.

"Shit Alice, why are you gunning for us?" Emmett said, putting his middle finger down after Alice's statement. He and his rather rude girlfriend were down to one finger each.

"Because it is so easy! You two do the most ridiculous things."

"A bus? Really brother?" Edward asked, grimacing. Emmett just shrugged his shoulders.

"My turn," said Rose. "Never have I ever been pleasured on a rollercoaster."

Alice put a finger down and pouted. I stared at my sister in shock. Sweet, little, innocent Alice, sole female role model in my life was getting ii on in amusement parks.

"Uncool," Jasper said to his cousin before turning on me. "Bella it is your turn." I still had four fingers up. It was a positive that most of the people here didn't know all my secrets.

"Ok," I said, taking a deep breath and hating being the center of attention. "Never have I ever been in love."

Every single person in the circle groaned and put a finger down except Emmett who was then punched in the shoulder by Rosalie.

"Chill, babe. I was just kidding," he laughed before quickly making a fist.

I looked at Edward. He had put down his finger and I wanted to cry. I wondered about the girl he had been or was still in love with.

From there game night continued with a game of Quarters. It was my downfall and I was forced to drink nearly every round.

By 1 AM, things had died down. Alice was in Jasper's lap, nibbling on his ear while he grinned and told her he loved her. Emmett appeared to be playing the drums on Rosalie's butt while she laughed.

Edward and I were curled up on the loveseat. He was singing Tom Petty in my ear while he played with my hair. Though he seemed content with this limited contact, I wanted more. The furnace he stoked within me had been building all night, maybe since I first saw him only 5 days ago. But I was drunk, single, and I wanted him unlike anything before.

Being around him was so confusing and thrilling, I was exhausted. Suddenly so sleepy, I decided it was time to turn in.

~*~*~

EPOV

"Come home with me?" She said, looking right into my eyes, staring like she could see all the way down to my soul.

All I could do was nod weakly and pull her off the couch.

We made our goodbyes and I expected some trouble from Jasper. But for once, his fucking mouth stayed shut and all he did was glare at me in warning. Alice, on the other hand, winked.

I dragged Bella by her hand out the front door and onto the sidewalk. We staggered up the street giggling at nothing. Her smile made me feel a thousand feet talk so I picked her up and spun her in a circle. She threw he head back and laughed.

I never wanted to put her down.

"Damn, you are beautiful," I told her.

"Damn, you are drunk."

"So are you." I pointed out.

We walked in silence for a bit, content to just be with each other. She started swinging out hands while I hummed a Neutral Milk Hotel song that had been stuck in my head since I met her.

Then she surprised me again when she started singing alone with me. She started out quietly, barely a whisper on the wind. I found myself leaning towards her, straining to hear.

"_What a beautiful face_, _I have found in this place that is circling all around the Sun.," _she sang, growing steadily in volume and confidence as she went. Bella's voice was a sultry soprano that was vibrant and unique. She provided a sexy take on a light, carefree song. I couldn't resist joining her,

_What a beautiful dream_

_That could flash on the screen_

_In a blink of an eye and be gone from me_

_Soft and sweet_

_Let me hold it close and keep it here with me_

By the end of the first verse, we were singing as loud as we could, dancing down the street, and beaming at each other.

_What a beautiful face_

_I have found in this place_

_That is circling all around the sun_

_And when we meet on a cloud_

_I'll be laughing out loud_

_I'll be laughing with everyone I see_

_Can't believe_

_How strange it is to be anything at all_

"You can sing!" I exclaimed when we finished, taking in my surroundings for the first time. We climbed a long driveway to the top of a hill to the Swan house. I recognized it from the few times we hung out here with Alice, but most of our time was spent at our house or Seth's.

"Yes I know," she said, shrugging like it was no big deal as she dug through her purse for her house keys.

It was a big fucking deal.

I followed her to the front door where she started fiddling with the handle. I was about to offer my assistance when she abruptly turned around with a huff. The way her hair flew around her head forming an entrancing halo momentarily distracted me from the glare on Bella's beautiful face.

"Edward," she said.

"Bella," I replied.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" She growled the question at me, sounding angry and a bit jealous. It was pretty hypocritical. I wasn't the one in a fucking relationship.

"No. Absolutely not." I never in my life had a girlfriend.

"Good to know, thank you for walking me home."

"It was my pleasure and I mean that. Who knew you could sing like that?"

She smiled at me and I really wanted to kiss her.

"I really want to kiss you." Stupid drunken mouth.

"Then why don't you?"

Not needing to be asked twice, I snagged her chin in my hand to make sure she was really there. I rushed to bring our lips together, convinced that she would change her mind and remember her boyfriend at any second.

Kissing Bella Swan was my new favorite activity. Her lips where soft and she smelled like flowers and strawberries and the beach. She tasted even better.

She snaked her hands up around my back and into my hair, further intensifying the single sexiest moment of my life. She was heat and passion, tongue and teeth.

She shivered and I very reluctantly pulled away. White knights don't let their princesses get cold, even if it is to make out under the stars.

"I wonder if you got fake mustache on me."

Goddamn she was adorable.

"When can I see you again?" I asked, feeling like some ridiculous suitor from a different century.

"My guess would be 1st period bio tomorrow morning," she sighed, running her fingers through my hair again.

My impossibly hard hard-on got even harder. Bella was one she devil with some mighty powerful voodoo.

"School doesn't count. Friday night, the band is playing downtown, say you'll come."

"I think I can make it." She yawned widely. Quickly I kissed her forehead and scooted her to the door I had just opened.

I backed away down the steps backwards to look at her as long as possible. "Be there," I said pointing at her, trying to convey how bad I suddenly wanted to share my music with her.

She smiled and laughed as she closed the door and I wished I knew the joke.


	8. Chapter 8

I wasn't really sure why I was doing it. Testing the waters perhaps, seeing how my little reminders of the past were received. But mostly I just wanted to show her that I still cared, that I remembered when we where happy.

Since that faithful day when she walked out of the home we built, talking our daughter and my soul with her, I had doubted whether she ever loved me at all.

Then I saw her face when I surprised her in the kitchen. I knew Bella and that look clearly said she still felt something. If there was even a smidgen of a hope of a chance that we might still have something then I was damn well going to explore that.

Operation Hail Mary was a go.

"What am I supposed to do with these?" Alice asked as she waved the two disks in front of her face, effectively pulling me out of my head.

"The first step in Operation Hail Mary." I was banging away at the piano in my music room while Alice watched from the couch in the corner, wallowing in her aloneness.

Jasper was out of town on a class trip. He was a high school history teacher and newspaper adviser at our old high school. After graduation, he worked his way through college, taking night classes at the community college before transferring to UCLA. We were all very proud.

Alice had picked Nessie up from school and brought her here with the promise to make us dinner if we kept her company. Bella had some sort of work thing to attend and wouldn't be home till late. Nessie was in the kitchen finishing her homework and the one thing missing from a cozy night in with the family was her mother.

"Explain," demanded the pixie.

"I have decided to win back Bella."

Silence.

Alice's reaction and willingness to help was key to my plan. I needed her to deliver trinkets to Bella and to give me a little bit of hope that I might have some success.

More silence.

I was redoing my plan around Alice in my head when a small body knocked me sideways, almost completely off the piano bench.

She squeezed my shoulders and squeaked incoherently.

"Alice," I laughed as I removed her death grip from my shoulders and turned her to face me. "Take it down a decibel ok? Only dogs can hear you."

"IT IS ABOUT GODDAMN TIME!"

Well this was a much better reaction then I could have hoped for.

"Really?"

"Yes really. But hold on, I have some questions first."

I motioned for her to continue when her thoughtful pause tested my patients.

"It has been what, at least 8 years since you broke up? What has brought around this sudden change of heart?"

"There hasn't been a change of heart, the heart has always felt this way. Believe me. But I saw her."

"Right, when I couldn't pick up Nessie. What happened?"

"She just, fuck, I don't know how to describe it." I ran my fingers through my hair, tying to speak my feelings in a way that didn't make me sound like a girl.

'Try."

"Her face, when she saw me. It was like how she used to look at me only intensified. She didn't look like someone who doesn't love me anymore."

"Who said she doesn't love you anymore?"

"She did," I replied, cringing at the painful memory that was still sharp despite how drunk I had been at the time.

"What? When?"

"When we broke up, Alice I really don't want to talk about this part. How have you not heard this?"

Alice just growled in response. When she didn't speak I pushed on with the plan.

"So I figured I would start slow, stick my pinky toe in the water. I want her to remember how it used to be before I make any huge declarations of undying love."

'Well, the two of you have a lot to talk about but I want to help you get an opportunity to do it."

So with that operation Hail Mary was in full swing.

First were the mixed CDs we made each other after our first wonderful weekend together.

A few days later on a whim I brought her In-N-Out, a meal that we shared hundreds of times.

I wondered vaguely if she had any idea what was going on. She was always perceptive, overly so on occasion, so I would be surprised if she wasn't suspicious. The reminders combined with my promise to see her soon had probably tipped her off.

Next I put a paintbrush on her car on my way to pick up Nessie.

This morning, equipped with a whole bouquet of sunflowers, I made my way to Bella's, determined to join my girls for breakfast.

I approached the front door and cocked my head in an attempt to figure out the music that was blaring from inside.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I smiled, overjoyed that some things about Bella would never change. The Chili Peppers had been her favorite band since she was about 12 and apparently they still were.

I rang the doorbell and felt stupid for wearing a collared shirt. Why I felt the urge to look nice was beyond me.

Nessie opened the door, still in her frilly pink nightgown.

"Dad! What are you doing here? It is a Tuesday." She wrapped her little arms around my waist and beamed up at me as she talked.

"I wanted to surprise you. Where is your mom?" I stuck my head in the doorway and strained my neck in an attempt to get a glimpse of Bella.

"Makin' pancakes. Come on. Hey are those for me?" She asked as she spotted the sunflowers behind my back. I smiled and handed her one of the dozen. Nessie cupped the bloom in her small hands and brought it to her nose, inhaling deeply.

She giggled and spun away toward the kitchen. I followed after closing the door.

Leaning against the arch, I took a moment to silently observe the love of my life. There she was, filling me up like a breath of fresh air. She was swaying her hips and singing at the top of her lungs as she flipped away at the stove.

_Where I go I just don't know, _

_I got to, gotta, gotta, take it slow. _

_When I find my piece of mind, _

_I'm gonna give you some of my good time._

Spinning around in a circle, she flung her hair back while pilling pancakes on a plate.

She was the most beautiful thing I had ever or would ever see. She was my past and present. I prayed that she would be my future too.

"Nessie, you adorable child, come and eat!" She turned toward me then, after placing the pancakes on the kitchen table.

Bella squeaked, smiled, and then promptly tripped over a rug, disappearing from view as she fell.

Alarmed, I rushed to her side and helped her to her feet. I smiled when I saw how red she was.

"Umm, well, uh. I… Stupid Rug." Bella closed her eyes and took a deep breath before talking to me again. "Hi."

"Hi." I couldn't help grinning.

We stared at each other in silence, smiling.

"Mom, I can't reach the syrup." We both jumped as Nessie shocked us out of the trance and Bella moved away from me to dig through a cabinet.

"So what are you doing here Edward?" She asked when she returned, gesturing for me to sit and handing me a plate.

"Hoping to bum a breakfast." Bella made the best breakfasts.

"You were just in the neighborhood?"

"Bella, I live like ten minutes away. I am always in the neighborhood." She gave me a withering look before returning her attention to her pancakes.

"Dad, you should come to breakfast more often. This is so much fun," Nessie said.

"Thank you for the invite, daughter dearest. I may have to take you up on that," I said winking at a blushing Bella.

From there the conversation flowed, Nessie told us about her bug unit and a dramatic fight she mediated between her friends involving a pink gel pen. Bella spoke about an exciting new band she was signing and I filled her in on details of our upcoming summer tour.

The three of us eating breakfast together like the family we should be made my chest ache and hardened my resolve to get Bella be mine again. Maybe she stopped loving me all those years ago, but I was a different person now. I wasn't bitter about the bands success, I had gotten used to balancing life on the road, and I had been clean for years. I even starting fucking jogging and hardly ever smoked.

"Look what Dad gave me." Nessie said suddenly as she pushed the sunflower across the table towards her mother.

"Well isn't that pretty. A sunflower?" Bella turned back to focus on me.

"Wait, hold on." Leaping form my chair, I rushed back to the counter where I left the forgotten flowers when Bella fell. 'These are for you."

"Sunflowers?"

"Do you have something against sunflowers Bella?"

"Nope. I love sunflowers."

"I know you do sunshine," I whispered. Her face did a funny thing and her eyes got huge. I hoped I hadn't gone to far with the familiar nickname. Baby steps, I reminded myself.

"Nessie, go get dressed. We have to leave in 10."

I watched our daughter bound across the kitchen, planting a kiss on Bella's cheek and then mine on her way up the stairs.

"Time to go Edward. I have to get to work," she said, looking at her watch. We stood together and she walked me to the front door.

"Would the sunflowers have anything to do with a paint brush, a burger, and a couple of mixed CDs that have popped up in my life recently?"

"Maybe," I said, tucking a chestnut lock behind her ear. "Enjoy the flowers."

I walked to the car with a legitimate bounce in my step.


	9. Chapter 9

12 Years Ago

BPOV

I was in awe. Struck speechless by the boy on stage. My one, brief taste of their music had not done them justice. Being impressed after that had nothing on my feelings seeing this.

Edward didn't lie about not being garage riff raff.

Sitting at the back of the small, crowded club at a high table with Alice and Rosalie, I didn't even care that my mouth was hanging open in shock.

"Bella, this is Sam's girlfriend Emily and Seth's sister Leah. Ladies, this is my little sister Bella." I was vaguely aware of Alice introducing me to the two girls who joined our table with a fresh pitcher.

"Hey," I said, not even bothering to remove my eyes from Edward. He was so vibrant and energetic, spilling his guts all over the stage. It was the best thing I had ever witnessed.

Alice waved a fresh glass of beer in my face and I grabbed it just to keep it from obscuring my vision. If it wouldn't have made me just a damn groupie (funny, I know.) I would have been in the front of the venue, directly under him.

Oh how I wanted to be under him.

Four songs later and they were done, much to my disappointment. I wanted Edward permanently playing in my ears.

"Bella, now that your boyfriend is done performing do you think you could manage to be a little social?" Alice asked, taping her perfect black fingernails on the scratched tabletop.

"Oh so someone has finally snagged Edward?" One of the new girls said. I had failed to look at either of them when Alice made the introduction so I didn't know which one I was talking to. They looked an awful lot alike.

I turned beet red at her question.

"No… Um… it's not like that. Don't listen to Alice, she sees what she wants to see."

"Don't be an idiot Bella," said Rosalie. She was a real gem.

"Edward is not my boyfriend, it is a fact."

"I was going to be both shocked and awed," said the second dark eyed, dark haired girl across the table. "Why should he settle down? What is the point when you are 17 and look like that?"

Thing 2 had a good point.

The girls then resorted to vocalizing Edwards various beautiful attributes and I had to go to the bathroom. I didn't like feeling jealous or possessive of something that was so not mine.

I steadied myself over the sink and studied myself in the mirror. Plain eyes, plain hair, plain face, all polished to shine by practice and Alice's careful lessons. I reached for a paper towel to dry my hands and then made my way to the exit. The door swung away from me just as I unlocked it and moved to open it.

And there he was, my own personal rockstar.

"There you are," he said, running his hands through his hair and looking at his shuffling feet. "I came out right away but then I didn't see you at the table and I thought you may have bolted when the show ended. I mean I would have understood if you didn't want to stick around, we were kinda off tonight anyway. Than Alice said you went to the bathroom, but I thought maybe you didn't want to stay."

I wasn't sure if I had ever heard so many words come out of Edward's mouth in one breath.

"Nervous Mr. Lead Singer?" I teased, loving that he seemed so on edge.

"Yeah, actually. I find myself obsessed with your opinion, so I almost hate to ask. What did you think?"

"It was— You are like— You're brilliant." I stuttered, trying to get my thoughts together enough to convey what seeing him on stage did to me.

"Really?" He asked, his face lighting up at my words.

"Edward, your music is like sound taking flight."

"Really?" He asked again. "Because we were a little off tonight. The sound wasn't right. But the crowd seemed to get into it. But who gives a fuck what the crowd thinks if it makes you fly—" I thought he would go on, so I covered his mouth with mine.

I wondered fleetingly if it was possible to pass out from making out, but then resolved to keep it together. Passing out would mean missing this.

He smelled like rain on the pavement, sex wax, and sandalwood. He tasted even better, fresh and clean with a faint edge of whiskey.

I put my hands in his silky, copper locks and he moaned into my mouth momentarily before abruptly pulling away.

"Goddamn evil she devil, do you realize we are in the bathroom of a grimy club?"

I laughed as I saw how I had him pinned up against the flimsy door with peeling paint.

"I suppose you are right," I said, pouting slightly.

"What are you doing later? The night is young." He asked as he walked me out of the bathroom and towards the table where everyone was congregated.

"I was just planning on going home, it has been a big week. Want to come with me?" My heart thumped a round in my ears as I prayed that he agreed.

"Sure, we have to load up Sam's van and get all our shit back to Seth's but I can meet you there. Ok?"

"Ok."

He left with the rest of the band to get their shit together while I begrudgingly made my way over to Alice and the rest of the girls. After about 10 minutes worth of thinly veiled insults from Rosalie and questioning looks from Thing 1 and Thing 2, I made my excuses and got in my car. I put my CD player on repeat and listened to his voice through my speakers all the way home.

When I got to our oversized mini castle, I was restless. I had no idea how long Edward would be. I tried reading. My eyes blurred over the words. I fiddled about with my guitar but started playing Vampire Sunrise songs and had to quit.

I finally settled on baking Granny Swan's own not so secret recipe for oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Two batches and a slipping incident that ended with me on my ass later there was a knock on the front door.

There was Edward, standing on my front steps, holding out a big yellow sunflower with a shy smile on his face.

He laughed when he saw me and tweaked my nose.

"Hey there sunshine, I hope the reason you are covered in flour has something to do with how good in smells in here."

I rubbed my nose hoping to scrub it clean of baking residue, turning bright red in the process.

"I made cookies."

"She cooks, she sings, what a gal."

"Thank you for the flower."

"You are very welcome."

"They are my favorite, sunflowers."

"Really?"

I nodded, suddenly shy again.

He followed me inside and I put the cookies and two towering glasses of milk on the island in the center of out kitchen. Dunking away happily we chatted, but I was discontent.

Edward loved someone at some point in his 17 years. And girlfriend or not, he still might love someone who was not me.

I pouted at the thought.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Edward reached out and removed my lip from my teeth with his thumb. My breath hitched at the simple contact.

"Nothing." I lied, busying myself with cleaning the cookie mess. I tried to think of a topic to distract him from my distress but I had to work hard to keep my mouth closed to stop myself from asking who he loved.

"Don't you lie to me Swan," he said, grabbing the mixing bowl out of my hands and washing it himself in the sink. "You bite your lip when you are thinking real hard about something but I know something is wrong because your eyebrows are all smooched together."

I purposefully flattened out my face and took a calming breath but my violent shoving of the leftover cookies in the jar probably gave me away.

"I am fine."

"Right."

Pots and pans banged as we finished cleaning the kitchen together in angry silence.

It was really nice of him to help me though.

"It was the same look you had on your face when Newton called and we were on the beach," he said quietly, wiping the same chunk of the counter over and over again even though it had to be clean by now.

"That doesn't matter now though, does it?" I turned to look at him, curious why he still sounded so angry and jealous at the mention of Mike. I dumped the guy didn't I and Edward still hadn't said anything about it.

"What do you mean?"

"Well it is not like we are still together? Who cares if his call upset me."

"What?" He yelled, whipping around to look at me, finally abandoning the counter he had been manically cleaning.

"Speaking of me dumping Mike, why didn't you say anything?" Edward continued to stare at me like I was speaking a different language so I continued to babble at him. "I mean you hate him and I thought that you would be… I don't know happy or something. I guess I just assumed you would be because I thought, well I was hoping that you liked me—"

He put a long, calloused hand over my mouth, cutting me off.

"You broke up with Newton?" He said, staring at me in a way that made me all tingly down to my toes.

I nodded slowly, trying to figure out how Edward didn't know this information. He began walking me backwards and I felt my back press into the fridge.

"Why?" He asked, his eyes never leaving mine.

"He annoyed me," I said.

Edward kissed the side on my neck as he pressed the full length of his body into mine.

"Is that all?" He asked, continuing to kiss me as his hand reached up to cradle the other side of my neck.

"He threw up on my shoes."

"Any other reasons?"

He moved his lips down to my collarbone and nipped at it gently.

"He is like a 4 year old and doesn't like music. I didn't feel anything when he touched me and he isn't you." I hissed as I threaded my fingers through his hair.

Apparently that was the right thing to say because he crushed my lips to his. I received his tongue with relish, desperate to explore every inch of him. Without breaking contact he hoisted me off the ground. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he groaned into my mouth.

This time he would not be abandoning me at the last moment. There would be no polite goodbye at the door complete with a kiss on my forehead. Since I met him there had been this ache inside me and it would be getting some long over due attention.

Rushing to get to the stairs that led to my bedroom, he staggered with me in his arms as we both worked hard to remove the clothing that was keeping us from really touching each other.

He pressed me against the wall when we got to the second floor and I was burning up.

"Bedroom?" He asked, biting my ear softly in the process.

I pointed to the right room. That was when I knew it was really happening. We were going to do it, even though he might love someone else, even though he was a man whore. I wanted this more then anything. But I knew that if I wanted to not hate myself after I had to have some answers.

~*~*~

EPOV

"He is like a 4 year old and doesn't like music. I didn't feel anything when he touched me and he isn't you."

And he isn't you.

I was fairly positive that I had made up the entire conversation, but I decided I didn't care and kissed her anyway, unable to control myself any longer.

She broke up with him. How the fuck did I miss that?

She tasted so good and the noise she made when I picked her up almost had me coming right there. Plus she liked me. She broke up with Newton and a part of the reason why was me.

Bella somehow managed to get my t-shirt over my head and the look she gave me as my head emerged made me think she might love me too, even if she didn't know it yet.

But then I had her shirt off too and we were at the top of the stairs and thank God this was really happening because she had been driving me insane for the last week. It would be nice to relieve the constant strain of my hard on against my jeans.

For a moment I considered taking her right there in the hall but I didn't want her to think this was just about sex. I would have dumped anyone to be with her too, but since that was not an option to show my devotion I would just have to settle on finding a bed. For now.

Keeping as much of me pressed to as much of her as I could, I navigated to Bella's room and set her down on a massive purple bed with at least six thousand pillows.

I pulled back to get a good look. Her jeans were undone and I could just make out the deep blue, frilly panties beneath that matched her bra. In between was beautiful, creamy skin that I couldn't resist touching. I palmed her stomach and tried to control my breathing as my eyes got to her perfect chest and stunning face.

Bella's lips were parted and her hair was a jumble of curls. The she-devil was going to be the death of me.

Willing myself to go slow and savor every moment in her company, I carefully removed her jeans, pulling them by the waist down her long legs.

"Wait." I dropped the pants to the floor and internally groaned. I knew this was too good to be true and that I had made up the whole break up conversation.

She pushed herself up on her elbows to look up at me where I was standing at the foot of the monstrous bed. My heart rate picked up again at the interesting things this new position did to her tits.

I tried to speak, to ask her to just spit out whatever was obviously on her mind but words seemed to be a bit beyond me at the moment.

"Does this mean you like me?" She finally asked, turning a violent shade of red as she did so.

I laughed out loud at the absurdity of her question but realized my mistake when I saw that she was about to cry. Quickly I scrambled onto the bed, laying down next to her and forcing her to roll over to face me. Putting a hand on each of her still flaming cheeks, I looked into her eyes, trying to clear up any confusion once and for all.

"I way more then like you Bella, what do you think I have been doing my best to show you for the last few minutes?'

"Do you like me like you like all the other girls you have sex with and then never see again?" I was going to murder Jasper.

"Bella, I am crazy about you. You dominate my every waking thought and follow me into dreams. Every second I am not around you causes me physical pain. You are nothing like anyone I have ever been with. My past, though a bit checkered I admit, is in the past. I am done with all that because all I want is you. Bella, I am fairly certain that I love you."

She giggled. I just dumped my heart and soul on her lap and she fucking giggled.

"You just met me a week ago, you can't love me."

"Bella, my love, I knew in 3 days. We don't have to do this you know." I said, stroking her hair. If she said no I would probably die on the spot, but I had to show her that I was serious, that I was a new Edward who was content to just look at the women he loved.

"Do you not want to?" She looked sad again and I cursed myself for being such a fuck up.

I rocked forward, pushing my erection into the front of her thigh and I was quite pleased with the breathless gasp it caused.

"Don't be absurd, of course I want to. But only if you want to."

Bella attacked me then, pushing me on my back and assaulting me with her gorgeous. She pushed one hand into my hair while the other freed me from my pants. My last coherent thought was 'Thank God' before I was lost to the voodoo of this wonderful sex goddess.

~*~*~

BPOV

I was officially a sex crazed teenage, unable to get enough of playboy Edward Cullen. Common sense went out the window the second he was around. It helped that he knew all the right things to say and somehow made me believe them.

He said he loved me and it seemed to good to be true. Maybe it was me he was thinking about during Never Have I Ever.

Even if he had declared that he was only interested in me for my body I probably would have ended up straddling him on my bed. I was that into him and would take whatever I could get, even if it was just sex.

But it wasn't, he loved me and I was addicted to him, well on the way to feeling the same.

I moved without thinking, turned on to the point of delirium between a week of pent up sexual frustration, his heart wrenching declarations, and the feel of him pressed up against my leg.

He moaned my name when I finally got my hands on his length, running my fingers over his now wet tip. Too far gone to go slow now, he abruptly flipped me over, removed my bra and his pants, and trapped my wrists above my head in one, graceful motion.

His mouth on my breasts made me arch of the bed and groan. He lavished each one until I thought I might come just from this one act. Finally releasing my hands, he tilted my lips to his again with one hand while the other journeyed down my belly to finally touch me.

The touch was gentle at first, but he must have taken my groan as permission because then my underwear was gone and he had two fingers inside me and I was moving my hips with him. My hands explored his back. I was flying high now but I didn't want to come with out him.

"Edward," I breathed, using my feet to remove the final barrier of his boxers and my hand to direct him to my entrance. "Please."

We both moaned when he entered me and I writhed beneath him as we began to move together. It didn't take either of us long to explode into a dazzling array of pleasure that stunned all my senses.

I screamed his name and held on as I shook, knowing that it would take unfathomable forces to ever drive me to let go of this amazing individual with whom I had just achieved perfection.

~*~*~

EPOV

I pulled Bella into the nook of my arm after I rolled off her. I had no desire to ever move again, but eventually I figured my weigh was taking a toll and crushing my love would have ruined the best sex of my life.

The things she made me feel, the noises I made her make, the sheer intensity of her orgasm that spurred mine, had all left me incapable of speech.

It was dark and I wondered if Bella had fallen asleep. I doubted that I would ever be able to sleep again. Insomnia is a common side effect when your whole world changed.

She was my life now.

"Did you even know it could be like that?" She whispered into my chest. I wished I had thought to turn the lights on so I could see her clearly.

I just shook my head, not wanting to use my voice that I was sure had revered into its cracking, pre-pubescent state.

"Have I struck you speechless, rockstar?"

Damn, she was observant. Still I couldn't manage to make words come out of my mouth so I just rolled my eyes at the amazing girl next to me and kissed her nose. She giggled and I pulled her closer.

Eventually her breathing evened out and her heartbeat slowed as she fell asleep in the crook of my arm, just where she should be.

Like the lovesick fool I was, I just watched her for hours in the dull moonlight before finally joining her in sleep.

~*~*~

Pound. Pound. Pound.

"BELLA!!" Pound. Pound. "It is Saturday morning, you know. The day our father gets back. Like, any minute now."

I groaned and pushed my face into Bella's hair. Not wanting to surrender to reality quite yet, I rolled over and pretended who ever at the door would just go away.

I was just getting comfortable again, letting my hands explore whatever part of Bella I could reach when she jumped away from me.

"Shit, shit, shit." A very naked Bella bounded into the closet. "Get up Edward, I totally forgot about Charlie. What time is it?"

"10:57, who is Charlie?" I asked, running my fingers threw my hair and stumbling into my boxers.

"My Dad." She said as she emerged, now most unfortunately clothed in jeans and a t-shirt. I had never seen her dressed so casually or look so sexy. She handed me my pants and I felt all my plans for the morning slip away. "He and his wife will be returning from a 2 week business trip today. But I think their plane landed at 10:30ish so we should be ok."

"BELLA, are you decent?" Alice popped her head into the bedroom, smiling from ear to ear. When she saw that we were both indeed clothed, the rest of her followed. She walked across the room, dumping the rest of our clothes on the bed that we lost on our way upstairs last night.

I smiled at the memory.

"Jasper is downstairs, we are cooking brunch for when Dad gets home. Edward, try and do something with your hair. And you will both probably not want to be up here when Dad gets home." And with that she was gone, skipping out of the room, leaving me alone with a blushing Bella.

"Sorry, I wish I could just spend all day with you. But…"

"Me too, but it is fine. I will go. Unless you want me to stay," I replied, feeling awkward for the first time since meeting Bella. Perhaps she didn't want me to meet her father, that it was too soon. Or maybe she wanted to keep me a secret, us a secret.

Then she smiled and I stopped worrying.

"I always want you to stay," she whispered as she reached up on her tiptoes to flatten my hair. "But Charlie doesn't even know I broke up with Mike yet and I would rather not give my father a heart attack today."

"Well neither did I until last night." She laughed again and kissed me quickly before throwing my t-shit in my face and pulling me out of the bedroom. I was sad to see it go, I never wanted to leave.

She walked me to the front porch and pulled my face to hers.

"You have to go, Charlie's going to be home soon," she said without making any move to let me go.

"In a minute," I replied as I pulled her closer.

We continued kissing in the doorway for a bit longer until she finally pulled away, sighing softly.

Bella looked up at me, biting her lip and furrowing her brow. I removed it from her teeth, not liking to see her worry.

"What happens now? With you and me? I mean the timing is pretty awful and maybe I have it all wrong and you don't want to be with me—"

I kissed her again to stop the nonsense spouting out of her mouth.

"Bella, pay attention now. I am going to make this as clear as possible. You are mine now, got that?"

Her beautiful smile bloomed and I thought my heart might have stopped for a bit. She nodded as she grinned up at me.

"And I, my love, am totally and irrevocably yours."


	10. Chapter 10

BPOV

Jacob went to Forks alone at the end of the month.

I used Nessie's school and my work as an excuse, but in reality my head was too full of Edward to do the whole meet the family thing for Jake.

It was early May and Edward would be going on tour for the summer in just two short weeks. I couldn't leave now and risk missing some sort of memento.

I suggested that Jake wait till Ness was out of school and I was less swamped. He refused, saying that I promised weeks ago that I would be available. The result was our biggest fight to date, resulting with me losing my voice for a day from screaming at him.

I hated that he couldn't understand that a trip home was too much to fast for me.

He hated that I couldn't be there when he needed me.

I felt so guilty, but it wasn't enough to push me to do the right thing by Jake.

Jake boarded the plane to Washington mad, leaving me for 10 whole days to continuing stewing about Edward without any distractions.

I desperately wanted to know what his goals were for this whole thing. I was unwilling to let myself hope that all this meant he wanted me back so I decided it was retribution. He was punishing me for leaving him all those years ago when I promised I never would. It was the only logical explanation.

Except it wasn't working. I loved it.

The lovely and somewhat heart wrench memories he recalled with objects from our past were almost as good as the time I was getting to spend with present day Edward.

Breakfast the other day broke my heart with its beauty. He brought me sunflowers, just like he used to when it was our anniversary, or he was in trouble, or just because he wanted to see me smile. For a moment we felt like a real family.

It would hurt like hell when he left though.

The real punishment would come in two weeks when he went on tour and I was left with only my memories, with no clues to what had been important to him. It took me years to learn to live with the hole he left in my chest. I was scared of what would happen to me when he was gone again.

It was Sunday evening again and Nessie would be home any second. I stared at the door, willing Edward to be the one to deliver my daughter, rather then Alice.

Tears welled in my eyes as I heard the click of high heels on my front stairs that accompanied the pitter-patter of small feet.

"Mom!" Nessie lunged at me and I got down on my knees to hug her the right way. I wrapped my arms around my daughter and inhaled her fresh scent as the hole in my chest filled in slightly just from her presence.

For the longest time, Nessie had been the sole reason for my existence, the only reason I had to get out of bed in the morning. Now I had Nessie and the prospect of receiving some sort of memory or spending a few minutes with him.

"I missed you sweetheart," I said, trying to choke back the tears. Nessie didn't notice the waterworks, but Alice sure did. "How was your weekend?"

"Really great! Dad got a new kayak and we went out in the ocean and went up and down the shore and I loved it! You should come next time. I had fun at breakfast. We should do stuff together more often!"

I nodded weakly as Nessie went to wash up before dinner.

"Are you staying?" I asked my sister, turning to her for the first time.

She silently wrapped her little arms around me and I returned her embrace. It felt good to know beyond any sort of doubt that you were loved. My sister was always there for me, even going so far as to rearrange her schedule to help me raise Nessie and avoid Edward even though that was the last thing she wanted. Alice was annoyingly team Edward in her words, though with her actions she was always solidly on my side.

"You just looked like you needed a hug," she explained. "And no I am not staying. Jasper is cooking me dinner. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I am worn out Alice."

"You probably don't want this then," she said, drawing a folded deep purple shirt out of her oversized bag.

I snatched it from her quickly and held it in front of me, allowing it to fall open in a wave of color. It was an old Grateful Dead t-shirt, complete with skull, rainbows, and tour dates on the back. It was purchased by Carlisle Cullen in his dead head days as he struggled to balance his hatred for the man with his ambitions to become a doctor.

I turned it over and held it to my body. It was comically too large and was even softer then I remembered. It fucking smelled like him.

"Alice," I asked, so giddy with excitement I was neglecting the pasta sauce simmering on the stove. "Do you remember when I wore this?"

"No. I must have blocked it out subconsciously. That is hideous and has no shape."

"Come on you remember. Bella Swan, whose wardrobe was the envy of every girl at Fairfax? I can see you thinking, you got it…"

"Oh my god, that is the t-shirt you came out in!" She squealed. "How adorable."

"Exactly."

~*~*~

12 Years Ago

BPOV

I was his and he was mine, it was as simple as that.

Watching him walk down the winding driveway to his shinny Volvo, I felt like he was taking a piece of me with him. But it was ok because I had the feeling that part of him had stayed behind with me too.

The rest of the of the weekend was spent contending with an elated Alice, a pissy Jasper, an oblivious father, and the step monster who was decades to young to be married to him.

Charlie had done the single most cliché thing a wealthy, successful, businessman could do. He had an affair with his then 22-year-old secretary. Though in true Charlie fashion, he had also done the unexpected and fallen in love with her, marrying her just months after 23rd birthday. She was six fucking years older then Alice.

Kathleen was blond and curvy, compensating for her lack of brain cells with exceedingly low-cut shirts. But she was his first real girlfriend since Renee and she made him happy. Alice told me to focus on this part.

And Kathleen, being that she was Kathleen and part of her whole M.O was pretending we were all a big happy family, forced us all to go out of a family dinner. It completely ruined my plans to do anything with Edward. Alice agreed as long as she could bring Jasper (her usual stipulation) so I couldn't decline without ruining the whole thing and hurting Charlie.

"So how was the trip Charlie?" Jasper asked, in overly bright tones after we all ordered. He had fallen out of our Dad's good graces about a year ago when Charlie caught him and Alice doing who knows what. Since then, Jasper had been working tirelessly to win back some approval. He hadn't got very far.

Charlie just shrugged in response.

"Don't be silly dear," Kathleen interjected, placing a manicured talon on Charlie's shoulder. "It was grand kids. Charlie had to work, but I got to know Manhattan quite well I think."

I hated how she called us all 'kids'.

Kathleen continued to drone on about spa's and whatnot as Alice, Charlie, and I all glared at Jasper, blaming him for getting her started. Charlie seized the opportunity to shut her up when she took a breath.

"Yes, New York is fine," he said. Charlie hated cities and would have been happy if he could have somehow managed to run the label in rainy Forks Washington, preferably from the inside of a fishing boat. "What did I miss here? You know I hate to leave you girls for so long." He glared at Jasper again who fidgeted nervously in his seat.

"Well Dad," Alice began. "Jasper moved into his very own apartment, isn't that exciting? So we have been painting and shopping and decorating. I have really out done myself, it rivals your office."

"Is that even legal?" Kathleen asked.

"And how much time have you been spending there, Alice?" Charlie sometimes had a one-track mind. I think he missed his true calling as a cop. His interrogations were the worst.

"A bit, like I said Dad. We have been decorating. Oh and Bella dumped Mike."

I glared at the demon pixie who had just sold me out to save herself from Chief Swan.

"What? When? Why didn't you tell me on the phone? I would have flown home for you Bells."

"It was at the beginning of the week and that is exactly why I didn't tell you. I am really fine, I was just unhappy with him for awhile and just realized it recently."

"Aw, I am so sorry Bella!" Kathleen shrieked. Everyone winced and I once again wondered how my awkward, quite, workaholic father could have married such a bimbo. "Break ups just suck, but you are young and gorgeous. You will find a new guy soon enough."

Jasper snorted into his sweet tea.

Alice giggled.

Charlie noticed.

"What are we missing here?" he asked, looking between the three of us. "Someone's not telling the whole truth."

I sighed and bit my lip. Telling Charlie about Edward was not something I was planning on doing yet. We were so new, I wanted some time to just enjoy him myself before our relationship got picked over by the masses. Plus I didn't really know what to call Edward. Boyfriend didn't seem to cover it somehow but I wasn't about to tell Charlie that Edward was mine and I was his.

"Nope, that is it. Mike and I broke up, it really wasn't that dramatic, end of story."

And thus began my secret relationship with Edward Cullen.

It didn't take me long to realize that come Monday I would be seeing Edward at school. We needed a game plan.

Mike, though it seemed like years ago, had been my long-term boyfriend until just a few days ago. Teenagers were brutal and were already picking over the carcass of his former hot guy status. Apparently a very public dumping doesn't really help ones reputation. Not that I cared about mine anymore, Edward did away with the last vestiges of robot Bella, but I didn't want to hurt Mike further. He really was a good guy and I wanted to give him some time to get used to the break up before I started throwing my new boy in his face.

So with this frame of mind, I called Edward after dinner.

"Hello sunshine, guess what I am doing," he said, picking up after one ring.

"Thinking about how good I look naked?" I suggested as I flopped forward onto my unmade bed and kicked off my shoes. I breathed in our sex sheets and sighed, relaxing again after working myself into a tizzy about how to act with Edward at school.

"God, Bella I am always doing that," he groaned, making me smile as I pictured his pained expression. "But it wasn't what I was referring too. Actually I am shopping."

"Shopping?" It was just about the last thing I expected to hear coming out of Edward's mouth.

"For picnic baskets."

"Ah, of course," I said, giggling at the way he made it sound like the most obvious thing in the world.

"I have decided that it is long past time I took you out on a real date. Ow shit. Emmett! I am on the phone." There was yelling and tussling and cussing but Edward managed to make it back to the phone. "Sorry Bella, my brother is an idiot."

"So we are going on a picnic?" I loved food and the things that could happen while lounging on a blanket with Edward.

"Yes, doing our first date the way it should have been done in the first place. Also I was informed that I need to buy Jasper a housewarming gift and that he could really use a strainer."

"I love my sister."

"As do I. So, will I be seeing you tonight?"

"I am afraid not. Family game night."

"Brutal."

"I am just hoping there will be no Twister."

"Well, I suppose I will just have to tell you how amazing you are on Monday. Gotta love that 1st period Bio," he sighed, obviously as disappointed as I was.

"About Monday, Edward. I was thinking that we should just keep this thing between us to ourselves for a bit."

Silence from the other line. Worried I had upset him after another 20 seconds without words passed, I rushed to explain.

"Mike and I just broke up and I really don't want to hurt him anymore then I already have. So if nothing could change at school between us, that would really help I think." It had just occurred to me that my desire to not hurt Mike might somehow hurt Edward and I waited for his reply with bated breath.

"Ok," he said after a moment.

"Ok?" I replied, shocked that he didn't have more to say about my request.

"Can I still sit next to you in class?"

"Yes," I said quickly.

"So just no touching at school?"

"Yes."

"And outside of school?" I rolled over and breathed in his lingering smell as I remembered last night.

"You can touch me anywhere, anytime. And expect the same from me."

He groaned and I giggled, thankful that he was so damn understanding.

~*~*~

EPOV

I had never put a lot of stock in the fickle social hierarchies that dominated the lives of my peers. I didn't give a fuck what they thought. I was going to do what I wanted, oblivious to their opinions.

Then it became clear that Bella was ashamed of me. Understandable really, she was the queen bee and I wasn't even on the radar.

But from the beginning I told myself that if she even glanced in my direction it would be a miracle, so I would be thankful for what I could get.

Even if it meant becoming her dirty little secret.

She claimed she didn't want anything to change, but it already had.

Bella was distancing herself from her old friends. She abandoned them to sit by me in class, earning me glares from Newton and her worried glances from the Groupies. By the end of the week, she had become a fixture at our lunch table, even bringing over her friend Angela one day who was shockingly likable.

Queen Bella had confused her subjects. I even heard one boy ask her if she was ok. She laughed it off easily but I found the whole thing disturbing, that they could care so much where one person ate lunch.

All this Bella face time at school went a long way to alleviate my fears that she was ashamed of me. The hardest part of our arrangement was the not touching thing. The air between us was charged as we both struggled to pay attention in class and ignore the overwhelming desire until school let out. The second the final bell rang, it was a race to get to one of our houses where we would tear each others clothes off and go at it until the rents got home from work.

I was always trying to figure out how Bella felt about me. She was free and trusting and loving when we were alone, but didn't want to be seen with me at school. She laughed at me the first time I told her I loved her so I hadn't said it since despite my growing feelings for her daily. She immediately won over Carlisle and Esme, but had yet to tell her so called best friends about us, nor would she let me meet Charlie.

Mostly, she was still my little mysterious she devil, and I loved her all the more for it, but by October, after two months of keeping quite for the supposed benefit of her ex boyfriend, I had enough.

The Beatles 'Why Don't We Do It in the Road?' was blaring in my ear, signifying it was time to get up and face the day. The song woke Bella up daily and it never failed to make me want Bella first thing in the morning. Charlie was out of town again and I had spent the night with Bella who was curled around me, naked.

Hitting the snooze button, I rolled on top of my beloved and began nibbling on her neck.

"Edward," she moaned. She still lingered somewhere between sleep and wakefulness as her hands traced the planes of my chest before reaching my shoulders and pulling me closer.

What a way to wake up. It should really have been the start to everyday.

I kissed her, ignoring her murmurs about morning breath. She always tasted like heaven.

The alarm went off again and I cursed. Bella did not like being late; she said promptness was next to godliness.

"Edward, we have to get ready. I need to shower," she whispered against my lips.

"We showered last night," I reminded her, growing harder at the memory.

"Seriously it is time to get up," she said with an air of authority despite her breathlessness.

"Bio is overrated." My hand traveled down her stomach to the promise land when she shoved me off her, hard.

"Time to get up," she said as she stretched. "I mean it."

"Sorry for wanting to touch my girlfriend a bit before I have to go back in hiding," I grumbled.

"What does that mean?" Bella snapped. My love is not a morning person.

"It means that I am tired of being your dirty little secret," I yelled back. I was angry and tired and hurt with Bella's secrecy. "Maybe you should really rethink dating someone you are so ashamed of."

"Ashamed? Is that what you think?"

"What the fuck else am I supposed to think?" I asked.

Without looking at me or uttering a word, Bella wrapped a sheet around her body and stomped off to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed before getting out of bed to get dressed. I smiled sarcastically at the dresser drawer Bella had cleaned out to make room for my clothes.

I didn't care how angry it made Bella, I was tired of her shit in was long past time I started calling her on it.

I went downstairs, joining Jasper and Alice for breakfast.

"Fruit? Granola? Yogurt?" Alice asked from her perch on Jaspers lap. I noticed the poptart in front of her boyfriend.

I shook my head, opting to join Jasper in his unhealthy breakfast rather then give into the health nut.

"You look like shit," Jasper pointed out.

"Good morning to you too," I growled.

I compulsively running my hands threw my hair and looking over my shoulder to the stairs for Bella who would emerge polished to face the day.

"Long night?" he snickered.

I just glared down at my over processed pastry.

"Jazz had a long night too Edward," Alice commented. "But he somehow is rejuvenated rather then acting like an emo bitch zombie."

Opting to avoid the happy couple, I made my way to the front porch to smoke a cigarette. Bella disapproved but I wasn't too pleased with her at the moment either.

I knew that we had more to talk about, but I had to figure out how far I needed to push. If I was too insistent, she might be gone and I couldn't lose her.

Two cigarettes later, there was a sound of the door opening and closing behind me. I didn't want to turn around, putting off fighting with Bella as long as possible.

I heard her move around the porch, climbing down the stairs to stand in front of me where I sat. Running my hands threw my hair again, I braced myself for what she had to say.

"Get up, I don't want to be late." She had her hands on her hips and was glaring at me.

It took me a moment to realize that something was different about my Bella. Her hair looked exactly the same as it did when she stomped into the bathroom, messy waves fanning out around her head. Her beautiful face was free of the gunk she normally coated it with. Her lovely blush distracted me, I wondered if it was from anger or embarrassment.

I looked down her body and realized she was clothed in my ancient Grateful Dead t-shirt. Seeing her in my clothes did something funny to my chest, filling me with a primal possessiveness.

She finished off her new look that was so different from how she normally dressed with a baggy pair of jeans that were littered with holes.

It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen.

I stared at her in open-mouthed shock, unable to move from my seat on the stairs.

She sighed dramatically and grabbed my arm, hauling me to my feet. I followed her to the Volvo where she stood by the passenger's door, waiting for me to unlock it. I looked at her, confused. Normally we took separate cars to keep up appearances. What a heinous waste of gas.

Bella yanked impatiently on the handle, signaling for me to unlock it.

Shaking my head again, I obliged her and she climbed into her seat.

I drove us to school in a daze, glancing every few seconds at the beautiful girl beside me, still reeling from the sight of her in my shirt.

I pulled into the parking lot between the BMW's and Mercedes that littered our school. I sat there for a moment, trying to figure out what Bella was doing for the first time.

Everyone was going to see her in my t-shirt, everyone was going to know she was mine.

"Are you coming?" she asked, already out of the car.

I nodded and met her in front of the Volvo, looking down at her in awe.

Bella stretched onto her tiptoes and kissed me full on the mouth in front of the rich, popular masses that adored her so. I tensed up, feeling the shock and judgment coming off our peers as if I could read their thoughts. Suddenly I wanted to go back in hiding, to snatch her away from the world and their prying eyes. I was so distressed that I didn't even respond to her lips on mine.

"Edward," she laughed. "Kiss me like you mean it."

I smiled then, unable and unwilling to deny her anything. I brought my face to hers, wrapping my arms around her to lift her off her feet and bring her closer. Her fingers threaded through my hair, driving me crazy and making me wish we were still in her bed.

~*~*~

BPOV

I had royally fucked up somehow. Edward thought I was ashamed of him. Nothing could be farther from the truth, if anything I didn't deserve someone so perfect.

He made me so angry this morning, thinking something so far from the truth. Needing to release some rage, I stomped away from him. I quickly cleaned up a bit, running a comb through my hair and brushing my teeth before I threw on the first shirt I saw and found my favorite old pair of jeans and worn Chucks. Alice called them my weekend clothes and forbid me form leaving the house in them.

But I didn't care about any of it anymore, I didn't need Alice to dress me up. Instead of being my saving grace, my shield was keeping me from Edward and that would not do. He seemed to have this misperception of me. He thought I cared about my reputation and what the opinions of the Groupies.

I planned on changing that today.

It had been two months since the break up, plenty of time for Mike to move on. If I had known this had been affecting Edward so badly, I would have come clean long ago. My only reason now for keeping things quiet at school was to avoid the stares, the questions, and the judgment. Not that I cared, I just didn't want to deal with it. But all that would be a minor inconvenience, not worth hurting Edward over.

I walked downstairs, hoping to find Edward and force him to drive me to school, but alas it was just Alice and Jasper. My sister looked like she was going to pass out and was too shocked to even yell at me. Jasper laughed out loud and gave me a bone-crushing hug.

"He is on the porch," Jasper said.

'Thanks Jazz, take care of Alice for me."

The combined look of shock and lust on Edward's face was enough to make me forget I was mad at him for thinking so little of me.

By the time we got to school, I needed him to touch me like I needed oxygen. Figuring that if I was going to high school hell anyway, I might as well go big, I kissed Edward in the parking lot in front of all those non-believers and shallow rich kids.

A wolf whistle interrupted the most passionate kiss of my life and I was ready to take of the head of the worthless peon who dared. But it was just Emmett who waved while dragging a smirking Rosalie across the pavement.

Edward was still looking at me in a way that assured me he loved me like I loved him and I felt the need to explain.

"Never think I am ashamed of you. If anything you are far too good for me. I just wanted to avoid the attention, that's all. I don't care about any of this high school shit, except you. Got it?"

"Far to good for you? Right," he said, rolling his eyes.

I just grabbed his hand, leading him to first period Bio.

How I went this long not touching him during school hours was beyond me. During class he kept his warm hand on my thigh, rubbing circles on my leg under the table.

It was wonderful.

Edward kissed me goodbye after he walked me to study hall where I would have to deal with the Groupies. All of them.

"Morning," I said brightly, taking my seat next to Jessica and across from Angela.

"Oh my god," Jess said, eyeing me warily. "The rumors are true."

"Are you feeling ok Bella?" Angela asked, always concerned.

"I, my friends, am fucking great."

"Who are the Grateful Dead?" Lauren asked. I smacked my forehead against the desk in horror.

"But seriously Bella, what is going on? You show up today looking like that." She gestured wildly to unusual appearance.

I giggled to myself, finding it funny that my outfit was getting more attention then my boyfriend.

"I am proving a point. Plus I have never been more comfortable. You guys should really try this casual attire thing."

"You look like a hobo," Lauren pointed out. "Where did you even get that shirt?"

"It is my boyfriends," I said, grinning at the shock on their faces. Well except Angela who was totally in the know when it came to Edward.

"Where did you even find him? He is so fucking hot, I saw him this morning. What is his name? When did you meet? And why the hell haven't you mentioned him before? Why do we not know who he is?" Jess asked without pause.

Her questions made me smile again; I missed this girl talk thing recently. I had been spending too much time with Rosalie who I doubt even has a soul let alone the patience for girl talk. Jessica's reaction made me think we were better friends then I originally thought. I thought Jess would be offended by Edward's lack of social status, like Lauren who hadn't stopped glaring at me since I sat down. I was glad to be wrong.

"Promise that you will introduce us at lunch," Jess pleaded.

"Why do you even want to meet him Jessica? He is a nobody, I thought you would rebound with better," said Lauren. God she was bitch. I took a deep breath as I focused on not smacking her. "But what am I talking about, Jess you know just what Bella's past relationship was like."

I knew Jessica would swop in on Mike eventually, and if it made them happy then I was genuinely happy for them. Poor Jessica looked so pale and uncomfortable. I figured I would let her tell me in her own time and went back to hating Lauren.

"Just to let you know Lauren, if anyone is a nobody in this scenario, it is you. Edward is kind and funny and talented and all you have floating around in your head is air and hate in place of where your brain should be. I wouldn't be so quick to alienate the only people in this school who put up with you so just back off. K?" I said all this in Lauren's trademark sugary tone. Somehow she thought if you said horrible things nicely people wouldn't hate her. Oh how wrong she was.

She glared at me for a moment before she abruptly left.

"So," I continued. "I will definitely introduce you to him at lunch Jessica."

She beamed at me, still looking a little bemused about the entire conversation we just had. I went back to pretending to study while I really just counted down the ticks of the clock before I got to see Edward again.

~*~*~

EPOV

"You're the talk of the town," drawled Jasper. "Everyone is staring at us. How fucking weird is that."

"I find it more pathetic that they even care," I replied. Today had been surreal. My years of carefully created invisibility were gone. Girls flirted with me, boys glared at me, they all whispered.

I fidgeted in my chair as a pair of girls turned to stare at me. They looked away quickly when I gave them my best glare.

I wondered if this was what stars felt like when they were stalked by crazed fans. Poor famous bastards.

"Edward, that is no way to treat your admiring public," Jasper said, noticing how I made the girls in front of us cower in fear. "You have to smile and wave like this." He started beaming and doing the weirdest little wave that looked more like beckoning to me.

I kicked one of the two legs of his chair that remained on the ground, causing him to tip over.

"You look like fucking Miss America."

In the hall I pulled my hood over my head and crouched my shoulders, hoping to avoid the very unwanted attention. I ached to see Bella, so much so that it hurt to be away from her. I was so stressed that after 3rd period I had to dart into a bathroom for a cigarette and a draw from the flask of whiskey I always kept in my backpack, just in case.

It got me through to lunch where I finally saw Bella again. I was the first one to get to the cafeteria and I sat at our table with my back to the wall, providing me with a view of the double doors that Bella would walk through any second.

When I finally spotted her, I rushed across the room to be close to her. I framed her face with my hands and kissed her before she had the chance to say anything. Being with her relaxed me for the first time all day and I felt whole again.

"Hi," I said when I finally had to take a break to breath.

Bella squeaked something at me that may have been a similar greeting, but she seemed to be struck speechless from my kisses no doubt.

I smirked, quite pleased with the result.

"Bella, introduce us to your new man," said someone just behind my beloved. I looked up, noticing for the first time that the Groupies flanked Bella. I took a step back, pulling Bella with me, instinctively wanting to protect her from these soul-sucking leeches.

"Jess, Lauren," she said as she reached for my arm and pulled me roughly foreword by the elbow. "This is Edward."

I glanced at Bella, making sure she was not having as rough a go of it as I was. But she seemed happy so I turned toward the girls and tried to be polite. I plastered on a smile.

"Hello," I said.

"Hi there Edward," Jessica said, winking at me. Were all these girls perpetually flirty? "Wow, you sure do look hot in that shirt." Her hand snaked its way up my arm answering my flirty question.

I mumbled a quick 'thanks' as I tired to remove my arm from her talons. Bella saved the day, grabbing Jessica's hand, giving it a quick squeeze in warning before letting it drop.

I much preferred Lauren's glared and bored attitude to Jess's flirting.

"And you know Angela," Bella said, continuing to place hostess.

I smiled and started chatting with Angela who I actually like while Jess whispered something in Bella's ear and giggled.

"Edward, I think we are being summoned." Bella pointed behind my shoulder, laughing as she gestured.

I turned to see the four of them coping Jaspers Miss America wave and smile.

Bella made our goodbyes and I regretfully led her to the table. I didn't want to deal with their crap at the moment, I just wanted to be alone with Bella.

The expected teasing commenced. Emmett asked me if I wanted to sign up for Prom committee while Rosa suggested I have a nail painting party with Jessica. Jasper kept doing that fucking wave and Alice wouldn't stop laughing.

It occurred to me that all the secrecy was for my benefit, that Bella was protecting me from all this crap. I felt like a dick for how I behaved earlier.

"I am sorry," I whispered in Bella's ear as everyone continued to laugh at my expense.

"For what?" she asked, looking puzzled.

"For not understanding this morning. I guess I didn't realize it would be such a big deal."

"Private school kids are ridiculous. I wanted to tear off Jessica's hand and slap the judgment out of Lauren."

"That would have been interesting to watch," I mused. "But thank you, for doing this for me. At least we are in this together right?"

"Right," she said, kissing me quickly before turning to chat with Rose.

I sighed and pulled Bella close, mentally preparing myself for later in the day when we would have to part ways again.

~*~*~

BPOV

This day was going so much better then expected and by lunch I was skipping I, feeling a bit like Alice as I did so. Jessica's flirting and Edward's moodiness, were slight downers, but I focused on the good instead.

After school I was so happy from spending class holding Edwards hand that I forgot to pay attention to where I was going and pranced right into Mike Newton.

He grabbed my shoulders to keep my upright after the collision and looked down at me in concern.

"Opps, sorry. My bad," I sputtered. I tried to dodge around him but he held me in place, his grip firm on my shoulders.

"What is going on?" He asked.

"Nothing."

"Bella," he said, still griping my shoulders. "I am really worried about you. Look at you, you're a mess. Don't worry, it has been hard on me too."

I snorted. Hard, right.

"Mike, I am great. I am wonderful. I have never been better in my life. If fact, my only problem at the moment is your hands on me," I growled.

"Bella, baby, I miss you too."

"Did you even hear a word I said? Missing you was not mentioned."

"Come on, you obviously miss me. I mean Edward Cullen? Really? How could you not miss me?"

I laughed out loud.

"You are kidding right?"

Before he could respond, his hands were forcibly removed from my shoulders and he flew backwards into a row of lockers. His head snapped back against the metal with a resounding 'thwack' and he sunk to the floor. I gasped turning around to see a very angry Edward, eyes blazing in a way that scared me. In that moment he wasn't my Edward, he was scary, warrior Edward.

I didn't like it.

Edward started to move around me, trying to lung again at Mike who was slowly attempting to get to his feet. I stepped in between the two, really not like the whole current boyfriend beats up ex-boyfriend scenario.

Did some girls really like this possessive, macho crap? Because I wasn't digging it.

"Woah, hey there," I said. I pushed up against his chest and tried to draw his attention back to me. His intense stare hadn't left Mike and his beautiful face was contorted with rage.

I really didn't like it.

"Edward," I snapped and he finally looked at me. His gazed softening slightly. "It's not worth it. Come on."

I grabbed his hand and yanked him away from a dazed looking Mike. I want to make sure Mike was all right, but I wouldn't risk Edwards's reaction to me tending to my ex. When we reached the safety of the courtyard, I turned and faced a scowling Edward with a scowl of my own.

"What the fuck Bella," he said.

"What the fuck Edward," I said at the same time. I bit back the smile that threaded to spread at how similar we were. I focused on my anger and motioned for him to speak. How could he possibly be mad at me?

"How could you let him touch you like that?" He snarled, eyes blazing all over again.

"It was fine! I was dealing with him."

"It sure as hell didn't look like it! He had his goddamn hands all over you."

"Seriously? It wasn't a big deal! You could have hurt him and he was just worried about me."

"Worried about you because you are dating me!" he shouted.

"I think it was more about the way I am dressed then anything. And you were totally out of line back there."

"He was touching you," he said again. Edward had lost some of his fire but was still barely controlling his anger. I could see the side of his jaw tick as he teeth are clenched tight.

"On the shoulder, Edward. I didn't exactly want him touching me either but it wasn't like he was going to hurt me. It was just Mike. And I didn't like it. You didn't look like yourself."

"Bella—" he said as he reached for me. I let him put his hands on my hips but I didn't uncross my arms.

"Don't you Bella me. Edward, how can you not see what a huge overreaction that was?"

"I was that terrifying huh?" he smirked.

"I am not scared of you," I replied, raising my chin to look in his startling green eyes.

"Really?" He raised an eyebrow and bared his teeth before pulling me to him and roughly kissing me.

Just like that I forgot about everything and there was just us. We poured everything we had into that kiss, his anger and my frustration translated into something beautiful when we were together like this.

But all to soon it ended.

"You can't do that again," I whispered against his lips as I kept my forehead pressed to his. "You can't get violent every time a guy looks at me wrong or puts their hand on my shoulder. You were like the freaking incredible hulk back there."

"I know and I am sorry. But I feel very… protective of you Bella, so much so that it is hard to be away from you. And he was touching you, obviously making you uncomfortable."

"Use your words next time big boy and I will avoid the touching."

"Deal."

He took my hand and led me to the parking lot while I tried to assimilate scary, possessive Edward with the boy I had so utterly and deeply fallen in love with.


	11. Chapter 11

BPOV

"God, I don't know what his deal is lately. Since I got back from my visiting home he has been all 'babe,' 'sweetie', 'darling'. I hate the couplely nicknames, I have never been called one that doesn't nauseate me."

Today I was sitting across from my friend Maggie at an outside patio of a cute little French bistro, enjoying my lunch break. She ran the day care at the record company and we became fast friends when I had been forced to keep Nessie there in the early years.

"Oh I don't know, some are kind of nice," I replied.

"Name one."

"Sunshine," I said, surprised to hear the wistful tone in my voice.

"Ok fine, that isn't bad. It is kinda nice that Jake calls you sunshine."

"What? No. Jake is all about the babes and the sweeties," I shuddered, cursing myself for once again forgetting about my boyfriend.

"So an ex then? This sounds like a story." Maggie leaned back in her chair and looked at me expectantly.

The appearance of a blond goddess saved me from tackling that conversation. Rosalie stalked across the patio like it was a catwalk, late as usual. Maggie and Rose had met through my daughter as well. Rose was a godsend in those first few, incredibly hard years. She was always picking Nessie up form daycare and watching her after class. Maggie and Rose bonded over their no nonsense attitudes. Hanging out with the two of them was always an experience.

"Yea, I know, I know. I am late, deal with it." Rose cut off my snide comment with her hand as she sat in between Maggie and me. "So what's good here?"

Ordering and eating distracted Maggie from her question, thankfully. I didn't want Maggie to know about Edward. She was one of my few friends that didn't know me back then, when I was a different Bella. Alice and Rose and Emmett and Jasper and even Angela all treated me different after the break up. Either with pity or anger or frustration or concern. I liked that Maggie didn't, she just saw me as Bella, not damaged goods.

We were just finishing up lunch when the waiter came out, placing a bottle of PBR and a chilled glass in front of me.

"From the gentlemen," he said as he gestured behind me.

I nodded in thanks and closed my eyes, knowing exactly who would send me such a ridiculous drink.

"What the hell?" Maggie asked, examining the bottle of cheap beer and looking over my shoulder. I still hadn't turned around but I could feel his eyes on the back of my head, heating my whole body. "I can't believe they even serve this here."

Rosalie made eye contact with him and her eyes flashed to me in concern.

"Bella, are you ok?" she asked.

I nodded again, still unable to speak. He had really caught me off guard with this one.

"Holy shit, is that Edward Cullen?" Maggie squeaked. "Rose, he plays with your boyfriend right? You know him don't you?"

"Not as well as Bella," she said in a low voice, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at Edward.

"You are friends with Edward Cullen, Bella? How did I not know this? Can you introduce us? Is he single? God he is hot."

Rose snorted and continued to glare.

"I wouldn't really call us friends." My friend's expression of interest left me feeling ill, jealous and territorial.

"Listen Bella, Alice told me about Edward giving you all sorts of crap lately. I don't like it, in fact I am going to go let him know right now."

"Rose," I said, placing a hand on her arm as she started to rise. "It is ok. I appreciate this whole mama bear thing but I am fine. I'll go talk to him."

Maggie was looking at me like I was speaking Swahili. I let out a nervous laugh as I rose. "Fill her in Rosalie, she looks like her head is going to explode."

And with that I grabbed my purse and the PBR before I stalked over to Edward. As much as I loved his little reminders, this one hurt. He was making me remember how much I loved him, how it felt to hear him say that word in my ear. He was reacquainting me with the old Bella. But I didn't want to get to know her again, because what would I do then when he left me in limbo between old and new Bella.

God, he was confusing me.

"What are you stalking me?" I asked, trying to be tough when I really wanted to cry.

"Alice said you would be here. She also said not to bug you. Am I bugging you?" He looked so nervous and earnest, like his whole world depended on my answer.

I sighed and sat down across from him, placing the PBR in front of him. He grabbed my hand as I made to pull it back and I let him draw spirals on it with his thumb where our hands rested together on the table.

"No, you aren't bugging me. You better be careful, I could get used to you being around," I shyly looked up from our joined hands to his eyes that never ceased to startle me.

God, they were green.

For a moment Edward looked at me with that crooked smile that roused the butterflies in my chest.

"I am counting on it," he finally said. I waited for him to elaborate, but then got scared that all my hopes would be dashed and quickly changed the subject.

If I wasn't such a coward I would straight up ask him what the fuck he was doing and why.

"I am not drinking this by the way," I said, gesturing to the Pabst.

"Aw, come one Bella. I like you with a few PBR's in your system."

"Oh I know you do," I said as I remembered.

"I thought you were oddly into them."

I continued to look at him with skepticism and his fuck me sexy crooked grin bloomed causing me to blush. I had to pull my hand away. The current between us combined with that smile had me re-crossing my legs and fidgeting in my seat. It was just too much.

"Can I ask you something?"

I nodded my consent.

"What color are they today? Yellow? Pink? Blue? I hope they are blue."

"What color is what?" I knew exactly what he was referring to but wanted to hear him say it, out loud.

And he was right, they were blue.

"You're panties," he said, voice dipping low and his eyes scorching me. I gave myself a moment to fanaticize crawling into his lap and showing him right there before I got it together.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" I teased.

Why in the fuck was I flirting with Edward Cullen? No good could come of this.

We sat there, eye fucking each other for who knows how long until something changed in Edward's eyes. He looked distraught.

"Do they still match then?" he whispered.

"Not that much has changed Edward," I replied, not sure if we were still talking about my undergarments that yes, I had been matching since I got my first bra. It was the OCD in me. Plus it made me feel sexy, wanted.

Far too soon I glanced at my watch and sighed, not wanting to leave Edward but needing to get back to the office. He stood up as I did, pulling me to him and hugging me tight to his chest. I wrapped my arms around his waist and breathed his distinct sun and sea sent. I could hear him doing the same to me and I felt so safe and secure and whole. I controlled the almost overwhelming desire to bring his lips to mine.

That is when I noticed them. Tattoos.

My Edward only had one. The small infinity sign on his inner wrist that he got when Nessie was born, saying that we were a family forever now.

Right.

This Edward seemed to be covered, but it was difficult to tell. I could just see the bright swirling colors peaking out beneath the sleeves of his long sleeved t-shirt. Then I noticed the design on his other wrist and the letters I couldn't quite make out running from his wrist to his elbow on the back of his arm.

It occurred to me that the boy I fell in love with no longer existed. I was flooded with a renewed sense of loss and I tried not to cry. Just like I was a new Bella he was a new Edward.

Maybe that much had changed.

I couldn't quite process what this meant for the future with him standing so close, fogging my head and making me want to mount him on the rickety wire table. I had to leave, he was too confusing. Soon I would get up the nerve to tell him to stop and leave me alone with my poor, broken heart.

Instead of saying all the things that needed to be said, I quickly kissed his jaw before I pulled away to join a seething Rose and a shocked Maggie.

His jaw was always the closest part of his face I could reach.

It wasn't till I got to the car that I even thought about Jake.

~*~*~

Then—

Life lulled in to a steady, comfortable motion, and an Edward oriented routine developed that involved music, the beach, live shows, and me force-feeding him good food on a regular basis.

Months passed, the semester ended, and Christmas in LA was upon us. It was one of my favorite times of the year because the weather was cool and there was even a slight breeze. I was looking forward to being out of school, something I considered a nuisance because it interrupted my Edward time.

We had been together four months and I was blissfully happy.

Despite my utter contentment, some things still nagged at me. He hadn't told me he loved me since that first night and I wondered if he had changed his mind. I was beginning to think I liked him a whole lot more then he liked me.

But even so, I decided that it was time to get serious. It was time to meet Charlie. I had met Carlisle and Esme after all. But they were so lovely and relaxed, not like Charlie at all. But it was time.

I badgered Edward into Christmas shopping with me, reminding him that I would probably hate it more then him, and informed him of this plan,

"We are coming out of the closet Cullen," I said to him as we browsed a vintage store trying to find a dress to go with the kick ass black leather heels I found for Alice.

"Are we gay?" He asked, selecting a greened sequined mermaid dress from the rack and clutching it to his chest to make him point.

"I am a little upset that I have to answer that seeing as I rocked your world last night."

"Didn't we already come out? I am pretty sure I didn't imagine you in my shirt."

"Indeed, but we are doing it again. It is time to meet Charlie." I wasn't looking at him, my attention was focused instead on a catholic schoolgirl skirt and vest combo that looked like something Alice would wear. It therefore took me a moment to notice his silence.

I panicked for a good ten seconds, thinking that he didn't want to meet my dad, before Edward me pulled me into his arms, pushed me up against near by wall, and kissed me so passionately it caused a girl with green hair and multiple nose rings to fake a cough and glare at us.

"Wow, what was that for?"

"I was starting to think that I cared about you a whole lot more then you care about me." He said it so fast it was hard for me to follow.

"Now that is just ridiculous," I giggled as he mirrored my earlier thoughts.

"No, I don't think it is."

"We agree to disagree then. But I don't think you are really getting what it is going to be like. "

"Is he that scary?"

"Yes," I said, deciding on a deep purple sleeveless dress and matching feathered headband for my sister. "He owns guns. And he had some sort of bromance with Mike."

"Ew."

"I know. Kathleen may be worse. She is quite flirty."

"Even around Charlie?"

"That is Mr. Swan to you and yes." He followed me to the check out counter where I threw in a scarf for my mom and a trendy bag for Kathleen. "And I know it sounds silly, but I really want him to like you. He is my dad, and I don't know. I just want the Chief to like you. Though I have my doubts, he doesn't like anyone really."

"Bella, don't worry, I will make sure he loves me," he said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

"Just try to look presentable ok?"

"What, don't I always look presentable?" he asked.

"Edward, you are wearing bright purple pants. Not that they don't make your ass look great, but Charlie will appreciate something more clean cut." The line moved forward and I placed my purchases on the counter as Edward stared at me, looking worried.

"That will be $1798 Miss." I absently handed the cashier my black AmEx. Edward had gone all silent again and I turned to see his eyes bulging out of his head.

"Yes, I know. I am ridiculously rich and my daddy gives me anything I want. Are you really that surprised by this?"

"You bought four things."

"Yes, well. Quality over quantity."

"Shit."

"You probably shouldn't cuss around him either." I signed my name.

"Would you like these gift wrapped?" The cashier asked.

"Yes please."

"You are not allowed to spend that much on my present," Edward said.

"It is a gift, you can't make rules." I had my eye on a surfboard that far surpassed this price.

"Oh I am making a rule. I don't want you buying me expensive shit." Money was always a point of contention between the two of us. Edward's family was comfortable. But they didn't have the buckets that my family had and Edward was always really sensitive about me buying him anything, from presents to dinner. He said that it only widened the gap between us and the only gift he needed was me.

"But Edward—"

"Nope, you can only spend as much on me as I spend on you."

"And how much are you spending on me?"

"Nothing." We left the store, arguing as we made our way through the masses Christmas shopping to my car.

"You aren't going to get me a Christmas present?" I asked, skeptical.

"Of course I am, but it doesn't cost anything. It is more thoughtful that way."

"You are more creative then me." I took my seat to the right of Edward who started the ignition and pulled into the heavy weekend traffic.

"You are a smart girl Sunshine, figure it out."

"I could cheat."

"I would return it." He was having a stubborn moment. There was no changing his mind when he dug in his heels like this.

"What if you really, really like it?"

He just shook his head and smiled at me.

"Fine. But it will probably be late. And stupid. And ugly."

"Isabella Swan, you are ridiculous with that pout of yours. Will you do something for me?"

"Of course."

"Will you go with me to a bonfire tonight? A bunch of people will be there, some friends I want you to meet." He was looking at me expectantly, like there was a chance I would say no. He still hadn't figured out that I would do anything for him.

"Oh man," I replied, messing with him. "I don't know if I can handle that."

"You will dazzle them," he said, relaxing after hearing the excitement in my voice at the prospect of learning a bit more about him.

"Just like I dazzled you," he nodded at me in agreement, ginning at me in that lopsided way he had.

"Hopefully no one gets too goddamn dazzled," he grumbled.

"They are going to think I am a spoiled little rich girl that is screwing around with their friend. They aren't going to like me."

"No they wont think that, because you aren't that spoiled. And some of the girls may think that. But all the guys are going to be insanely jealous of me."

"Do you hang out with a lot of girls Edward? When I am with the ladies, do you hang out with a bunch of indy chicks?"

"Well about that," We were sitting at a stoplight, but Edward was focused on the road a head.

"Go on," I encouraged. Tapping my fingers on the dashboard as I turned to stare at him. I was alarmed now. I had been kidding, but he started to run his hands threw his hair, a dead give away that he was anxious.

"Ok, now don't get mad but there are going to be quite a few people there, girls, that I have, well, you know. Done stuff with."

"Really? I was told that you were a man whore at one point." I could feel the rage bubbling in my stomach.

"That is actually pretty accurate."

"Charming."

"So I just want you to know, that if there are any drunken advances that it is all in the past and I haven't wanted anyone since I met you. Ok?"

"You are really failing at getting me to go to this thing."

"Come on Bella, you had a fucking boyfriend when we first got together."

"Who I dumped for your sorry ass, something I am beginning to regret." That was a bit unfair, but I hated the idea of him even looking at another girl.

Luckily he knew I was full of shit and just rolled his eyes at me. "Will you relax? That is all over now, you make me so much happier then any of that did."

"I want names, who the hell do I have to worry about?"

"You do not have to worry, I just wanted to warn you."

"Names Edward."

"Well Jane will most likely be there."

"Jane?"

"Yea I was semi seeing her when we first, you know. But I swear I was not with her once after we, you know."

I had never seen him so flustered. I was pretty damn endearing and was quickly sapping my anger.

"Ok, fine."

"Bella, don't be upset." He was pleading with me via his eyes for forgiveness.

"I am not, actually. More just curious."

"About what?" He glanced at me, suspicious

"How many, you know," I said, shaking my head, mimicking the ridiculous way he alluded to sex, "have there been?"

"We are so not having this conversation."

"Please? I will only go if you tell me."

"I really do not know," he finally said.

"That many huh?"

"Sorry Bella, I had a sex life before I met you."

"So did I!" I said indignantly. We sat in silence, both stewing, until I broached the subject again. "How old were you, the first time?"

"13."

"Whoa, that is so young. You were a little baby."

"Just a perk of living with an insane older brother and overly trusting parents. Emmett threw a house party one night and my parents trusted us to stay home alone. I got wasted, barely remember the whole thing, but it was with some chick at least four years older then me." I was horrified, trying to imagine myself at 13.

I still had braces.

I couldn't tell if he was bitter about it or just resigned. I leaned over to kiss his jaw. Pulling his face towards mine, I lingered there, only truly complete when I was in contact with him.

I knew Edward had a tough childhood, the Cullen's adopted him when he was 7 and I knew his really parents were pretty shitty. But Edward didn't want to talk about it so I didn't know details. I couldn't complain though, I wasn't sharing my past either. I did know that his man whoring was filling up some sort of emotional void. Or at least that is what Alice said.

"You had a rough go of it huh? I am sorry to bring all that up."

"Don't worry about it."

"Worry is in my nature. You will just have to deal." He glared out at the highway, taking the turn off toward my home. I wanted to rub away his glare with my thumb and mold his mouth into my favorite smile. Instead I took his hand and mentally prepared myself for what was bound to be a very long night.

~*~*~

EPOV

"She really is beautiful Edward." Kate stood beside me, beer in hand, and watched Bella entertain a horde of my best friends by the campfire. "Garrett is quite smitten."

Bella threw her head back, laughing at something Garrett had said.

"We should just run away together, really stick it to them," I joked. Kate was an old family friend, and we had grown up together.

"Naw, you are to chubby for me. I like my boys skinny." I laughed at this too. Garrett was a rail. They were a usual looking couple. Kate was even shorter then Bella and super athletic. Garrett often bragged that his girlfriend could kick his ass.

We went back to watching Bella work her magic.

Bella and I had arrived at the cook out just as the sun was going down. It had taken us an unreasonably long time to just leave Bella's house. The mood between us at the conclusion of our shopping trip was not a happy one. Being forced to admit more of the discrepancies of my past had not put me in a chipper mood.

It widened the gap between us, she was a little angel while I was intensely fucked up. It was more proof that I was not anywhere near good enough for her.

She was inherently good, despite her stuck up past. I was still unsure what I was.

To alleviate my dark mood, Bella had been extra chipper. Bustling around the house like the sex goddess she was. She tried music, laughter, and food to cheer me, obviously thinking I was upset with her.

I thoroughly kissed that notion out of her, cheering us both.

But then it was time for her to get dressed for the evening.

"What do I wear to this thing?"

"What you usually wear to bonfires?"

"No I cant do that, it is far to designer. I need Alice."

She finally settled on a tight fitting pair of boot cut jeans and a white v-neck t-shirt.

Despite her casual attire, I doubted she would blend in with the hippies and punk rockers that would be at the beach. I told her she looked perfect anyway, which she did.

Bringing Bella to this event was worth it just to she her nervous. My super confidant charmer, was scared to meet my friends. Brilliant.

She clung to my hand as we approached the crowd around the just started fire.

No one had actually believed me when I first told them months ago. Everyone knew of Bella as Alice's bitchy, unattainable sister. The fact that they looked at her that way made my blood boil.

Ben was the first to approach us of the 20 or so people gathered on the beach. I had known Ben for years since we frequented the same shows. I loved the guy but I sure as fuck did not love the way he was looking at Bella.

"So you must be the famed Bella, heard so much about you," he said, being extremely polite for no apparent reason.

"Nothing but good things I am sure," She shook his extended hand before he turned to embrace me.

"This is Ben," I explained in Bella's ear as we followed him to the group, "He and Garrett, that skinny motherfucker live with that pretty blond down the street from Jasper. And the pretty blond is Garrett's girlfriend Kate. We grew up together."

"Everyone," I said when we got close. "This is Bella Swan, and Bella, this is, well everyone."

The boys, Ben, Garrett, Seth, Sam, Paul, and several others I didn't know quickly congregated around Bella, fighting over who was to get her a goddamn drink. I didn't like this at all. I was shocked that my possessive and jealous feelings regarding Bella spilled over from private school land to my friends. I quickly pulled her away, getting her a beer myself.

"What is this?" she asked. Her nose was wrinkled and she was smacking her lips after she took the first sip.

"Beer," I joked as I filled my own cup.

"Thanks darling, but I got that. What kind of beer?"

"PBR, Pabst Blue Ribbon," I explained. "How have you never had one before?"

"It tastes like pee and water."

I laughed as she quickly downed the rest and held her cup out for a refill.

"You really want another?" I clarified, already filling her cup.

"I am oddly into it."

I laughed again and walked her back to the group. The girls were a lot less friendly. Jane and a group of other girls that I vaguely recognized huddled together by the fire, tossing glares at me periodically. But Bella made quick work of turning on the Groupie charm and assimilating into the group.

"I didn't actually believe you," Julia continued. "Mostly because you waited so long to introduce us. I am hurt."

I merely grinned at her, understanding her frustration. My eyes continued to linger on Bella. Damn, she was beautiful.

"Oh my god, you are in love with her. Edward motherfucking Cullen is in love." Kate stared at me, shocked. I did have a bit of a playboy reputation I suppose.

"Is it that fucking obvious?"

"Yup. You have that look. It does tend to kick your ass, doesn't it? When I first figured it out I dumped that skinny bastard."

"How did I miss that?"

"Well, it was only a month after we met, and it lasted a day and a half."

"She could really crush me Kate." It was scary, giving someone so much power over you. Goddamn, I sounded like a fucking control freak.

"That only makes it better baby, you can't have it all without some risk you know. "

The evening only got better from there. Bella, a bit drunk, entertained everyone with a moving rendition of an old Bob Dylan song and won over the boys by out drinking a pitiful Seth.

Emmett, Rose, Jasper and Alice finally showed up, providing me with some comfort. I may have been with my friends but I never felt at ease with them. Not like I felt with the others. It was beyond friendship, we were family.

Eventually, Bella and Garrett's laughing bout was interrupted by Rose and Alice.

"Look at Isabella Swan, mixing with the common folk." Rosalie plopped down on a log next to my love and brought her drink to her lips.

"Shut up Rose, no one would ever call you common," Bella remarked. I couldn't ever decide if Bella and Rose like each other or not. "A bitch yes, common? Nooooo."

Only Rosalie would look so pleased by a statement like that.

"Hello dear sister," a buzzed Bella said to and equally drunk Alice. "Do you know all these people?"

"Darling these are my besties."

"I can't believe that I never met your besties."

"You could not be bothered, back in the day."

This self-deprecating conversation continued as I turned my attention to Jasper.

"This is so fucking weird, seeing her hear. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Bella. I just didn't think she would love anyone here."

"She is full of surprises."

"More like she is moving on, it is about fucking time. Not that you knew her when she was really bad, she was like a zombie."

"What do you mean? Why was she a zombie?" I asked, curious and irritated that Jasper knew something about Bella that I didn't.

"Shit, you will just have to ask her Edward. But tread lightly, she is just now getting back to herself." And with that he wandered away to smoke a joint with Sam.

It was the point in the evening where everyone was just drunk enough to start coupling off. Jasper and Alice were making out on a log while Emmett and Rose had disappeared.

The one blemish on the evening occurred when an inebriated Jane ambushed me at the keg, hands immediately reaching for my zipper. I may have been a bit harsh with the words I chose to dissuade further behavior like this, but I was pissed and it seemed to have worked because Jane didn't seem to cause any more trouble.

Until later in the night when Bella tripped tripped her as she walked toward me with a predatory look. I imagine she was trying to be sexy but she ended up looking like a giraffe walking for the first time. She went down like one too. What I had seen in her before would forever remain a mystery. Perhaps I should have come up with a clearer way to say I am not fucking interested leave me the fuck alone.

"There is my man," Bella said, winding her arms around my waist. "Where have you been?"

"Just watching you charm all my friends."

"I really like Garrett, he is so funny."

"Yes," I said shortly. "Hilarious." It was absurd, I wanted her to like them but hearing her call Garrett funny made me want to smash his face in.

"Hear that Katie-Girl?" Garrett pseudo whispered to his girlfriend. "Bella Swan thinks I am funny."

"Well I think it is funny that she thinks you're funny because you are so not funny," Kate replied.

"Oh I get it now," Bella interjected. "Kate is the funny one!"

At this we all laughed.

"Will you go on a walk with me?" I asked when the laughter died down, tugging on her hand.

"Oh of course, I haven't gotten nearly enough Edward time tonight."

We walked in silence, enjoying the sounds and smells of the sea. When the bonfire was a blip in the distance, Bella insisted that we sit. I draped an arm around her waist, pulling her close to reassure myself that she was really there.

"Were you really mad at me today?" she asked. She was referring to the icy way I handled her inquisition.

"No."

"I wont ask you such personal questions anymore." She really was adorable when she was drunk. Her eyes got huge and she looked innocent and young. Unlike most, alcohol made her talk quieter, in a sultry voice I loved.

"Bella, you can ask me anything you want. But you did call me a man whore."

"Yea I did," she squeaked out through her laughter. "I am sorry about that. I just don't like to think about it. You with anyone else."

"How do you think I felt about you and Mike?"

"Who I didn't have sex with since I met you."

Gah. Bella. Sex. Mike. Again I wanted to punch things. Preferably fucking Newton.

I took a deep, calming breath, inhaling her unique scent.

"Same for me, the point is that all doesn't matter because we have each other now."

"Your neck smells nice." So maybe not so innocent. "Lets go skinny dipping! Please? Can we?" She leaped to her feet in a sudden burst of energy and began to jump up and down with excitement reminding me once again of her sister.

"Let's do it," I agreed, getting to my feet considerably quicker then Bella. Like I would say no to anything that ended with her naked. And wet.

"Skinny dipping is on my list of top five favorite things to do," she said, stumbling slightly as she struggled to get out of her shirt. I did the same.

"And the other four?"

"Reading, live music, cooking something fancy, and finally being with you. I like that the best. Will you help me take my pants off?"

"Oh Sunshine, do you even have to ask?" Tossing aside my own shirt and jeans, I did as she asked, trailing my fingers down her firm belly until I reached the button. Giggling she pulled herself up onto me using my shoulders. I ran with her to the ocean while removing the remainder of our clothes.

"Wait," she said before I jumped into the oncoming waves. "Put me down please."

I did as she said, but I was not happy about it.

"We are easing." I groaned in response, wanting to get close to her as quickly as possible. "Stop complaining, and stop looking at me."

"If we are easing, then I am looking."

"That is fair I suppose. To the waist then."

"That's a pity," I mumbled as her lovely rear disappeared from my view, hidden by the dark waves.

"I knew you would come around. Do you think they liked me?"

"Indeed," I replied, not really listening. Damn, she was so fucking hot.

"Jane is pretty."

"Meh, in an ordinary way I guess."

"You always say the right thing Edward."

"Deeper then?" She pulled me with her until she was submerged to her chin. I grumbled again, wanting to see all of her.

She was driving me fucking insane and she didn't even know it.

"I love the ocean, that's why I followed Alice here when we were little. She hated Colorado, hated my mom, and we both missed Charlie. So when I was 8, Alice decided to move west and begged me to come with her. And I did, because I love the ocean. And Charlie. And Alice too."

I pushed her head under water, trying to distract her from getting so serious while I resisted the urge to ask her all sorts of questions.

Like how the fuck Jasper knew why she was a zombie and I didn't. I was too drunk not to get irritable when I thought about it so I didn't. Plus she was currently naked. And wet.

She resurfaced, sputtered momentarily, and then commenced to drag my head underwater, kissing me when I resurfaced.

"Bella," I said when I finished kissing her in the salt water. "I love you. Did you know that?" I finally told her for real, tired of playing it safe and seeing if she loved me back.

At first she looked stricken, shocked at my declaration. My heart dropped through my stomach and seemed to fall out of my ass. I was really stupid, telling her that, scaring her away. She dumped her boyfriend for me, she was relinquishing her position as most popular girl of our high school for me, she was changing everything. How much could someone ask for?

Then a slow smile spread across her face, illuminating her deep chocolate eyes.

"I have never said that to anyone else. Wait, are you crying?" I asked in disbelief, shaking her shoulders slightly in impatience. I hated it when she cried. Plus there was a little something I wanted to hear, but she didn't seem capable of speech at the moment.

She was currently hiccupping.

I was really a fucking idiot, telling my drunk girlfriend that I loved her. After four goddamn months. Though the last time I said it was after a week so I guess this was improvement.

At least she wasn't laughing.

"You are ridiculous. What kind of tears are these?"

"Sad?" I guessed.

She shook her head, laying her forehead on mine.

"Mad?" I guessed again, my hope building.

Again she shook her head.

"Happy?" I whispered. The floodgates really opened then.

"Oh Edward, I just didn't know. I sort of thought that you changed your mind after that first time. I wanted to tell you more then anything but I thought that I was more into you then you were into me but you love me which is really really good really," she took a shaky breath and continued on. "Because I love you too. And it is not just about having fun and such, with you and me it is love, crazy soul deep love, like it hurts when I think about you leaving."

"I think I heard I love you somewhere in there,"

"I love you Edward, " she giggled and kissed me. "I love you so much it scares me."

"It is not so bad, to be scared," I said, kissing her again. I focused on the good, not the scary, and felt content for the first time in a long time.

~*~*~

"Edward, it is going to be fine. Really, Charlie isn't that bad. I should never had told you about the guns." Bella was sitting across from my mother at our small kitchen table, staring at me as I modeled my outfit. I was in a second hand suit that had belonged to Emmett before the growth spurt that turned him into to the behemoth he is now. In a matter of hours, I would be attending the yearly Swan Records Christmas Party and meeting Bella's father.

"Guns?" Esme laughed. "Oh that is just hilarious, is that why he's so nervous? Edward, Mr. Swan isn't going to shoot you. That would be absurd."

"Who said I was nervous?" I asked as I leaned against a counter, trying to appear relaxed. Which I wasn't.

"You keep running your hands threw your hair," Bella pointed out.

"And you keep pinching the bridge of your nose," put in my mother. "Isn't he cute when he is nervous?"

"Adorable," my beloved nodded in agreement.

I glared at the two most important women in my life as they bonded over my goddamn discomfort.

"That was a rhetorical question," I snapped. "Can we please go now?"

I fidgeted anxiously with my tie. It wasn't the guns or the fact that Charlie was some hot shot in the music world. Normally, I wouldn't give a flying fuck what he thought of me. But it was important to Bella that everything went well tonight and I was incapable of denying her anything.

Bella rose and sauntered over to me, allowing me to really see her for the first time. She was clothed in a deep blue dress with narrow straps that dipped low in the front and clung to every lovely curve.

"Damn," I said as she reached me.

"Edward manners," Esme reprimanded. "Get together you two, I want to take some pictures."

I groaned. "It is not Prom Mom, it's just a Christmas party." This must have been why Emmett opted to get dressed at Rosalie's.

"You look to nice not to document, now put your arm around Bella. Don't be shy."

Bella straightened my tie, attempted to flatten my fucking crazy hair, and kissed my jaw before slipping under my arm and turning towards my mother.

"Humor me," Esme said again, seeing that I wanted to defy her from my facial expression.

I did just that, not even having to force my smile as I pulled Bella close and breathed her in.

We made our goodbyes and I hauled her out the front door, unable to wait any longer to show her just how fuck all good she looked in that dress.

I pushed her against the Volvo and kissed her till we were both dizzy.

"I like it when you're nervous," she said with a dreamy smiled that was reserved just for me.

"I love you," I said, enjoying that I could say it whenever the hell I felt like it now.

"I love you back," she replied.

I smiled and we left for Jaspers to meet up the rest of the gang.

Bella was immediately stolen away by a half dressed Alice and an already drunk Rosalie who were babbling something about fixing Bella's hair and touching up her make up.

I tensed up again as soon as my beloved disappeared. I really couldn't fuck this up and there was no way I was going to make a decent impression if I was this nervous. I wandered into the kitchen, wondering vaguely where Emmett and Jasper were as I opened the cabinet where the booze was kept.

I filled my flask with whiskey, tucking it into my pocket after taking a long swig, just in case.

Jasper and Emmett were sitting on the small patio, fully dressed, beer in hand. Jasper's cowboy boot clad feet were propped up on the railing and he didn't even look at me as he handed me a beer from the small cooler resting between them.

"So what the fuck is this going to be like anyway?" I asked the veteran. Apparently the Swan's Christmas Party was a pretty goddamn big deal.

"It is one swanky shit show," said Jasper. "There are always celebrities and corporate big wigs. The whole Hollywood scene is a bit exhausting, but the house gets decorated all festively and everyone gets really drunk."

"Excellent," said Emmett looking excited at the prospect of alcohol and the famous.

I finished my beer in one more swallow, my trepidation building.

Finally the girls emerged, twirling around in the living room to some overly cheery Christmas music.

"Damn," said Emmett, placing an arm over my shoulder and Jaspers. "We did pretty fucking good for ourselves."

He was right, the three of them really were a sight to behold.

Rosalie, the super model, was wearing a red strapless dress that was painted on and gyrating her hips in a way that was making Emmett's eyes pop out of her head like a cartoon.

Alice, the punk rock princess, had on her standard black, puffy looking thing that fanned around her body as she jumped up and down and summoned Jasper with a twitch of her finger.

And then there was my Bella with her hands thrown up in the air as she danced and laughed. Spotting me she ran over to me, throwing her arms around my neck and dragging my face to hers.

"Come on Edward," she said. "Lets go meet the parents."

I lagged behind the group as they set out for the Swan residence, taking another large gulp, hoping that if this one didn't calm me down the next would.

~*~*~

BPOV

I wondered vaguely how many individual Christmas lights decorated our house. Probably in the millions. They were all white and covered every edge of the house, every palm tree, and every shrub.

Back in the day, Alice, Charlie, and I would all hang them together, with Alice dictating what should go where while I sat on Charlie's shoulders and followed orders.

Now Charlie hired someone. Though Alice did still dictate where they all went.

We walked up the driveway and a tall man in a suit motioned for us to stop at the front door before he saw Alice, who waved and called him 'Jerry' before he let us in.

I laughed at the absurdity.

The party was already in full swing when we arrived. There was a twelve-piece band set up in the backyard where a large buffet paralleled the pool and was flanked by a huge Christmas tree. Inside looked more like a club then my house, complete with DJ and dance floor. People were milling about, laughing, drinking, and dancing. More Christmas lights glittered and it would have looked like the North Pole if all the rich and famous had been absent.

I glanced up at Edward who like equally irritated at the masses. Alice and Jasper had disappeared while Emmett and Rosalie were talking to some hotshot movie star.

"What do you say we do the whole gift exchange thing now? I am not quite ready to deal with all this yet," I said turning to Edward.

He gave me my favorite crooked smile.

"Fuck yes, lets get out of here."

"Wait, I have to go find Charlie. But I will meet you upstairs in like 5 ok?"

He nodded and turned toward the stairs as I made my way through the party in search of my dad, stopping occasionally to chat with people Charlie worked with.

I had a minor set back when the latest pop singer hit on me, but eventually I found Charlie smoking cigars with some other corporate suits.

I said my hellos, promised to bring Edward by later, and grabbed a bottle of champagne before high tailing it to my bedroom.

Edward was sitting cross-legged in the middle of my bed, hunched over my acoustic, strumming a complicated version of "O' Christmas Tree". I crawled onto the bed, laying my head on his shoulder and wrapping my arms around his waist. He continued to play as he rested his head on mine. The melody changed into something sad and sweet, I vaguely recognized the Elliot Smith song when he started to sing.

_Haven't laughed this hard in a long time_

_Better stop now before I start crying_

_Go off to sleep in the sunshine_

_I don't want to see the day when it's dying_

_She's a sight to see (sight to see)_

_She's good to me (good to me) _

He finished the song, then set down the guitar and pulled me into his lap.

"Was that my Christmas present? Because I love it," I sighed in contentment against his lips.

"No," he laughed. "That was just me fucking around. This is your Christmas present."

He pulled out a stack of random pieces of paper, a receipt, a napkin, a bunch of folded loose-leaf. Puzzled, I disregarded the paperclip and began to read. They were lyrics, his words that were now familiar to me. I smiled realizing he had given me his originals.

They were sure to be worth a lot of money someday.

Then I noticed the sticky notes that explained specific lines and phrases. They were stories of his inspiration for his beautiful words that I didn't always understand.

They involved me. The first time he realized he loved me when I gave him the mixed CD, and how I made him feel glaring at him in my huge t-shirt and ratty jeans. Describing what I looked like when I danced in the kitchen, cooking dinner. A particularly embarrassing time I fell off a dock and emerged apparently looking like a mermaid that inspired one of their more up tempo numbers.

A million things I made him feel, all decoded via sticky note.

And that's when it hit me, he was equally obsessed with me as I was with him. He meant it when he said I was his life now.

"Bella," he said, stroking me now wet cheeks. "You're breaking my heart here, I hate it when you cry. Are these happy tears?"

I nodded as I snuggled into his neck.

"Best. Present. Ever." I got out between hiccups.

"So you like it?"

"Of course I like it you big romantic idiot. I love it and I love you. Here, open yours now." I reached across Edward and pulled his present out of my bedside table drawer.

My gift wasn't as special but I knew he would like it anyway. I had dug through Charlie's stacks of thousands old records and found a 1st Edition copy of Revolver. My dad wouldn't miss it seeing as he had six, two of which were signed. I also gave him some bootlegged recordings of Bob Dylan back from when he was Robert Zimmerman and some demos of local up and coming bands I knew he would like.

He quickly kissed me before rushing over to my stereo and trying to decide what to put on. He had Bob in one hand and the Beatles in the other and was looking back and forth between them.

I couldn't help but laugh, overjoyed that I made him so happy.

"Put on Revolver," I suggested. "We don't have the proper time to devote to Bob."

We listened to the first side and split the bottle of champagne before re joining the party.

Edward tripped on the stairs on the way, stumbling slightly and giggling as he did so. It was strange, he was typically so gracefully. That and he wasn't a big giggler. I raised an eyebrow at him but was distracted when I saw Angela alone in the corner.

"Go find everyone," I said is his ear. "I am going to talk to Angela."

He nodded and we parted ways. It took me forever to wade through the sea of people to reach my best friend.

"Angela! You're here!"

"Of course I am here, I come every year," she said, hugging me. "Merry Christmas Bella. It is just as insane as usual I see."

"Yup, Edward and I were hiding out in my bedroom. You know how much I hate these things."

"Well I love them. Holy Toledo, is that Robert Pattinson? I think I am going to faint."

I laughed, pulling her through the house till we emerged in the backyard that looked like a winter wonderland. Minus the palm trees and the distant sound of the ocean of course.

I continued to chat with Angela as I watched the rest of the gang by the bar. Alice and Rose were hanging on each other, laughing hysterically. The boys kept toasting and throwing back shots.

Edward took four before I got concerned. He was supposed to meet Charlie tonight and therefore should not be pounding shots with the fellas. I left Angela talking the pop star who hit on me and made my way to my friends, looking for Charlie as I did so.

Edward was about to take another, but I grabbed it from him at the last second, handing it to Emmett who beamed at me.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen," I growled as Edward swayed slightly in front of me. "Are you drunk on the night you are supposed to meet my father?"

He fucking giggled. Again.

"Lighten up Bella," Emmett yelled. "It is a fucking party."

Apparently my glare said it all, because Rose and Alice seemed to think it was time to haul their men to the dance floor.

"Well? What are you doing?"

"Sunshine, I am fine. I haven't had that much to drink." This would have calmed me down, but he was inexplicably talking in a British accent.

"You are inexplicably talking in a British accent," I pointed out.

"Well fuck, that's not just in me head then?"

"No," I was seething. He knew how important this night was, how much I wanted Charlie to like him. I saw the ringer Charlie put Alice and Jasper through and I most certainly didn't want to deal with that.

Livid, I spun on my heel and started to storm off when Edward grabbed my wrist.

"Do you value that hand?" I asked, yanking away from him.

"Bella, I am sorry. Listen, I will make it better." He looked so distraught, like a five year old who was just reprimanded by their kindergarten teacher. It was adorable but I was nowhere near willing to give up my mad.

"How exactly are you going to do that? Miraculously sober up?"

"No, I do believe we are fucked in that regard. But I can make you smile again."

My glare deepened at his words and I crossed my arms over my chest, eager to see how in the fuck he was planning on doing that.

He appeared to be concentrating very hard on something before his face lit up in jubilation and he scampered away.

Sighing, I went to join everyone on the dance floor as I calculated how to now keep Edward away from Charlie for the rest of the evening. To bad Charlie wouldn't even be remotely buzzed. The man was a tank and I had never seen him even a little bit drunk despite all the beers he ingested.

It occurred to me that I shouldn't have let Edward run away.

The band had stopped playing to take a break and I found the gang in the middle of the dance floor in a circle, laughing like loons. As usual.

"Where did Drunkward run off to?" Rosalie asked.

"I have no idea. Trying to make me smile again somehow." I just continued to scowl.

"Yea Eddie messed up. That flask was empty by the time we started doing shots," Jasper commented.

"Flask?" I asked, exasperated.

"Flask!" Emmett proclaimed. "I still don't get what the big deal is Belly Boo, getting wasted is the whole point of Christmas."

"Emmett, you are an idiot," Alice put in before turning to me. "Damn you look pissed. Bella—"

She was cut off by the sound of a mic being turned on and fuzz as it was readjusted.

"Hello," said a shy, velvet voice. "I am Edward Cullen. Uh… Merry Christmas!" My head whipped around to see Edward on the make shift stage, clutching a guitar, looking awkward and unsure and incredibly sexy. "Umm, I am just going to sing a song now for my girlfriend Bella, who I love very much."

Rose stared laughing, Alice grinned at me and took my hand. Jasper started doing some sort of line dance while Emmett looked upset that he wasn't on stage with his brother.

The first few cords were tentative at first, but by the time he got to lyrics he was his typical cocky self and I was already swooning.

The Red Hot Chill Peppers, my all time favorite.

I smiled, damn it. Damn him and his amazing voice, distinct guitar, and general sexiness. His eyes locked on mine as he smiled back.

_Its such a waste to be wasted_

_In the first place_

_I want to taste the taste of_

_Being face to face with common grace_

_To meditate on the warmest dream_

_And when I walk alone I listen_

_To our secret theme_

_Your solar eyes are like_

_Nothing I have ever seen_

_Somebody close_

_That can see right through_

_Ill take a fall and you know_

_That I'll do anything_

_I will for you_

_Sailin for the sun_

_Cause there is one_

_Knows where I'm from_

_I care for you_

_I really do, I really do_

_Come closer now_

_So you can lie_

_Right by my side_

_Sittin alone in the sun_

_I wrote a letter to you_

_Gettin over myself, yeah_

He finished with a smirk and a whispered 'Thank you' to the enthusiastic applause of the crowd. I noticed for the first time the group of hoe bag Hollywood socialites crowded at his feet. They whistled and let out a series of catcalls when he finished. Edward didn't seem to notice, but they were waiting to pounce on him when he descended so I rushed to great him.

I elbowed my way through the sea of silicone and peroxide blond extensions till I reached him.

"You smiled!" he said in triumph, lifting me off my feet and spinning me in a circle as he kissed my neck.

"Come on rockstar, let's get you away from your adoring public." The assembly line bimbos were descending and glaring at me with open envy.

I liked that even Drunkward didn't notice them.

Why couldn't I stay mad at him? I really wanted to stay mad at him for this one, but apparently angle voiced guitar gods with bronze sex hair and crooked smiles are my kryptonite. But really, who could stay mad at that, singing one of your favorite songs.

It was impossible really.

And in my defense, he was wearing a suit. I had never seen him in a suit. He looked un-fucking-believable in a suit, probably because it was such a contrast to his typical mismatched wardrobe.

I led him back to the gang who continued to clap and generally make a spectacle of themselves. As usual.

Edward gave a bow as we reached them. He tugged on my hand and looked at me expectantly so I gave a curtsy somewhat begrudgingly.

"Celebratory drinks all around!" Emmett suggested, materializing out of nowhere with a tray of shots.

Edward reached for one and my smile disappeared again.

"What, I was kidding!" he said, handing me the shot instead. "Huzzah!"

I took a deep breath and cheersed with everyone, downing my shot moments before making eye contact with a very irate Charlie, dragging a drunk Kathleen behind him. The emergence of Charlie on a rampage had me coughing and sputtering on my drink.

Everyone turned to me in concern. Edward tucked my hair behind my ear while Alice and Rose patted my back. Emmett helpfully suggested I wash it down with another shot.

Only Jasper saw the Chief and turned his horrified gaze to mine while wrenching the bottle of whiskey out of Emmett's hand and quickly putting it underneath a nearby table.

Everyone else remained oblivious until finally looking up from their various positions as Charlie towered above us. For a moment no one moved. I remained almost doubled over, though I had stopped coughing, and looked up into my father's angry eyes. Rosa and Alice were both still wrapped around me, eyes level with mine and they continued to stare up at Charlie too. Edward had is hands on either of my cheeks, but had tilted his head to look at the Chief as well. Emmett and Jasper loitered behind us, thankfully remaining silent for the first time ever.

I am sure we looked absurd.

All at once, there was a flurry of movement as everyone untangled themselves from my body and straightened to take the Chief's punishment.

Charlie just continued to glower, mustache twitching in rage, arms crossed over his chest.

Jasper spoke first. "Hey Mr. Swan. Great party." God he was brave.

Charlie's gaze never left mine as he spoke. "Alice, I think it is time for you to escort your friends out. And I will talk to you later about that whiskey consumption. No one gets behind the wheel of a car got that? Even if you have to make up the guest rooms."

Little Alice looked ashamed as she grabbed Jasper's hand to lead him, Rose, and Emmett away from Charlie.

And then there were two.

"Dad, look, I am sorry—" I began, but Charlie put a hand up to silence me. I swallowed and grabbed Edward's hand, hoping to keep him from the revealing his intense level of his drunkiness.

"Now," Charlie began in a low voice, even Kathleen look a bit scared of him. "Edward, is it?"

Edward and I both nodded.

"Though I appreciate that you are not drinking like the others," he turned to glare at me as I stared at him in confusion. Edward was the drunkest. And if Charlie wasn't mad about the drinking, then want was he on the warpath about? "I know exactly what you're up too, and let me tell you that it isn't going to happen. So you just get out of my house now and I never want you walking through that door again."

Charlie was yelling now while Kathleen, Edward and I stared at him in bewilderment. My personal rockstar had also turned a little green and I preyed that he didn't throw up anywhere near Charlie.

"Dad, what are you talking about?"

"Bella, I hate to tell you this, but you're 'boyfriend' is just using you to get to me." Yes, because Charlie is so desirable to teenage boys. I giggled to myself. Perhaps I had more to drink then I thought. "It is not going to happen Edward, so you can just stop screwing around with my daughter. You wont be getting a record deal so you can just leave."

I laughed again, angry and sarcastic this time. Edward began to sway and all color had drained from his face that was twisted up in shock.

"Charlie, it is really not like that," I said in an attempt to be reasonable.

"Bullshit, I saw him up there. Using us to launch some sort of music career. Tell me Edward, are you in a band?"

Edward nodded.

"Do you have big dreams of being a rockstar?"

Again, he nodded.

"Exactly. Get the hell out of my house and stay the hell away from my daughter."

This seemed to snap Edward out of his silent stupor.

"With all due respect _sir_," Edward yelled in a way that indicated that he thought zero respect was due to the Chief. "But I love your daughter very much. And frankly it has nothing to do with you. I would fucking turn down your goddamn record contract if it meant staying with her."

"Bullshit," Charlie said again, turning purple as he yelled. We were staring to attract attention. "Isabella, go to your room and see your friend out. We are done here."

"Charlie, really, don't you think you are being a bit ridiculous." Kathleen had spoke for the first time and she was being surprisingly reasonable. I smiled my first genuine smile at her in thanks.

"I wont have any wannabe rockers using my girls!"

"Dad," I implored, trying to cool my temper. Did he really think so little of me that I would chose to be with someone like that? "Edward has been friends with Alice for years. If he wanted to use you he would have done it long ago."

I was quite proud of my extremely logical argument.

"Get. Out. You don't see him anymore Isabella." Charlie had always been excessively protective of Alice and I, probably as a result of our psycho mother, but this was a whole new level of insane that would even shame the ever-loony Renee.

"Charlie," I said, matching his decibel now and squaring my shoulders. "What are you not getting? I love him. You can't keep us apart and if he goes, I go."

And with that I grabbed Edward's hand, knowing full well that there was nothing Charlie could do to stop me in front of all these people. I was leaving before I said something to my father that I would regret and he would have to do nothing short of tying me down to stop it.

Before I knew it we were walking down my street, well on the way to Jasper's apartment. I took big, angry strides down the pavement. Blinded by my overwhelming rage, it took me a moment to realize that Edward was no longer with me.

I glanced around to see him sitting on a curb, obviously attempting to empty his flask in one drink. Sighing, I walked back to him and sat too.

"I thought you finished this off?" I asked, taking a pull of whiskey myself.

"Refilled it," he grumbled into his hands. "Bella I am so so sorry. This is all my fault."

"Edward, it is not your fault my father is a complete idiot."

"He thinks… my singing to you… using you… record deal," he continued to mumble, making me realize that he was drunker then I thought and it would be no use having this conversation with him.

"Come on rockstar," I said, pulling him to his feet and draping an arm over my shoulder. "Lets get you to bed."

I half carried a very distressed Edward to Jasper's empty apartment and let us in with the key Alice had given me, just in case.

I left Edward in the bathroom to puke his guts out while I moved the coffee table and pulled the bed out from the couch, texting my sister my location as I did so.

Apparently Charlie was on a rampage at the Swan house as the infamous Christmas party continued to rage on.

The mattress was thin and springy, but I supplemented it with soft clean sheets and loads of pillows. I was just adding the last blanket when Edward stumbled out of the bathroom, muttering profanities and apologies with every other breath.

I made sure he downed a big glass of water and helped him get undressed down to his boxers before changing into one of Alice's nightgowns and climbing in with him.

Immediately he rolled over and buried his face in my neck as I put my arms around him, holding him close to me.

"I am so sorry," he said again. "I love you sunshine."

I stroked his hair and looked into his red-rimmed eyes.

"I love you to Edward, and you have nothing to be sorry for." Except the whole getting smashed thing.

I turned off the light and eventually drifted off to sleep, comforted by Edward's deep breathing and weight on my shoulder.

~*~*~

EPOV

I woke up to a pounding headache that seemed to have a rhythm to it. Why was the drum part form Enter Sandman vibrating in my head?

I opened my eyes and found myself in an alien bed. I shuddered at the familiarity of it.

Waking up, disoriented, no idea where you are or how you got here or who you were even with. This person I was with felt like Bella and smelled like Bella, but I had never seen Bella clad in this ridiculously frilly undergarment and it was freaking me the fuck out.

Suddenly panicked, I looked up from the pink satin covered boobs I had been staring at to their owner.

My heart rate settled as I confirmed they were Bella's by finally looking up into her face.

The pounding got louder and changed, finally leaving Metallica, waking Bella in the process.

"Go away Emmett," my beloved screamed toward the door without even opening her eyes. She looked so pretty, I ignored the hangover and kissed her neck.

"Hey," she said, turning toward me. "You are up."

I nodded while I tried to figure out why she looked so sad.

Really focusing, I brought the night back. Meeting Bella's father, my alcohol soothed jitters, my song of apology and Charlie's very wrong interpretation of it. God, did Bella believe him? I had never heard of anything so ridiculous, but she loved and respected her father. Would she take his word blindly?

"Bella, I am sorry. I was just so nervous about meeting him that I had a little bit to drink to calm me down, but then a little turned into a lot. But then that song, I swear it was just to make you smile. Goddamn, this is all my fault."

She scoffed.

"How exactly is Charlie's lunacy your fault?"

"If I hadn't gotten so drunk then I wouldn't have even had thought to sing to you in front of everyone and Charlie would never have thought that I was using you."

"Well that is stupid, though I can sort of see you logic. Sort of."

"So you don't believe him?"

"Don't be absurd Edward," she said kissing my forehead. I moved toward her lips but she pulled away, re igniting all the fears she had just alleviated with her last breath.

"Edward, you threw up half of your body weight last night. Teeth brushing first I think."

Bang, bang, bang.

"Let us the fuck in," said Emmett.

"I am going to fry to a crisp out here," said Rosalie.

"It is my goddamn apartment, why the fuck do I never remember my key?" said Jasper.

"I have coffee!" proclaimed the last voice with the most compelling argument.

With that Bella bounded out of bed and threw open the door, allowing the crazies to stumble in. I noticed for the first time what my beloved was wearing. The silky, slipy, thing was a light pink and was far to short. I could just see the curve of each cheek.

I was not the only one to notice, all four of them were staring at her with admiration. Once again ignoring the hangover, I threw a sheet around Bella, realizing too late that it left me particularly exposed. Glancing down at the morning wood situation, I wrapped the sheet around both of us, moving Bella in front of me as I closed it in the front.

We stood there facing the firing squad that was laughing at our plight.

"At least someone got some last night," Rose commented. "The chief made me bunk with the maniac midget."

I looked pleadingly at Alice, not sure what to do next.

"Don't worry," she said, handing Bella and I our coffees. "I brought supplies. Bella, I have a change of clothes for you that will actually fit. Edward you will have to wear something of Jaspers. I have toothbrushes for both of you and all the materials for Jasper to make us an exceedingly greasy breakfast. You have half an hour before it is done and I suggest you shower."

"Yea hurry the fuck up too because I have big fucking news," Emmett put in.

29.9 minutes later, we were all seated cross-legged on the floor around the coffee table where there was a massive lay out of biscuits, gravy, bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns. Even Alice joined us in the unhealthy feast.

I turned green at the sight and stuck to coffee while Bella rubbed my back.

"So what happened when we left last night?" Bella inquired.

I sure as fuck didn't want to know.

"HOLY SHIT SO MUCH," Emmett exclaimed. He really should get a metal for holding it in so long. I was damn impressed. "Before Mr. Swan stormed upstairs yelling like a fucking banshee, as we are making our retreat, I hear this guy, J. Jenks asking some other suit about you. Asking if you played shows and shit. So I popped my head in and informed them that fuck yes you play, that you are actually in a great band. So apparently, this J. Jenks owns dude like 12 million clubs and is looking to book a local band for a regular spot on Tuesday nights and an opener spot on Fridays. Dude, he wants us to stop by on Monday and play for him. This is huge!"

My first reaction was excitement, but it was only to be followed by complete devastation. If we got this gig, I would be confirming every fucking thing Charlie accused me of.

I was about to tell Emmett that it would not be happening, but Bella interrupted me.

"Edward! That is great," Bella squealed, kissing my jaw and making my head pound with her decibel level.

"We aren't doing it."

My proclamation was greeted with a moment of silence before they freaked out all at once.

"Why the hell not?"

"Isn't this your fucking dream?"

"WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE BAND YOU SELFISH SON OF A BITCH."

"I thought performing was your thing? Don't go all puss on us man."

Only Bella was silent. She held up a hand to the rest, cutting of their various tirades.

"Explain."

"We don't need to do that shit, playing in some trashy Hollywood club? No thank you. I mean, I want to make the band work more then anyone, but it is not worth it. There is no fucking way I am compromising my artistic integrity for that shit."

There, that sounded like a reasonable excuse.

Emmett jumped to his feet, ready to strangle me while everyone else looked like they were going to freak out again, but Bella spoke first.

"Bullshit. You are going to do this Edward, it is nonnegotiable."

I opened my mouth to negotiate but she continued on.

"Don't think you are tricking me for one minute. You don't want to prove Charlie right. Well we are going to ignore the irrational ramblings of my deranged father. Plus, I like seeing you on stage. It does things to me."

By the end she was bright red. Everyone was giggling as they demanded to know what exactly Charlie said to us last night.

That Monday, J. Jenks hired us to play two shows a week at two different rock and roll clubs. He didn't pay us much, but I didn't give a fuck. I was doing what I loved while the girl I loved was always there, listening from back stage or sitting at a high table in the back with the girls.

And that was how we ended up getting a lot of exposure in Hollywood while Charlie continued to hate me.

Though he grounded Bella for a month after her disappearance, he was out of town for most of it. Plus they must have had some heart to heart because he would even let me come over, with intense supervision.


	12. Chapter 12

Now—

"Edward, there is this thing called the phone. You are a smart guy, I am pretty sure you know how to use one," Bella said as she opened her front door to me. Her tone was annoyed but the smile playing around her lips reassured me.

The same lips that I could feel seared into my jaw from this afternoon at lunch. Like I would risk her telling me to fuck of via phone call after that.

"Dad! Hi! I am glad you're here. You can help me with my math homework. Mom is terrible at math. Hey what are you doing here anyway?" Nessie popped her head through the doorway next to her mother and I grinned at the sight of my girls.

Well, hopefully they would both be mine soon I was working on it.

"I just wanted to see you two, maybe bum a free meal and help my daughter do a little math," I said, looking at Bella. "So are you going to invite me in?"

I knew Jacob was out of town this week, Nessie had told me how he had gone home and Bella decided that she wouldn't be going with him. I planned on spending as much time as possible with my girls this week and then next before I had to leave.

Goddamn bad timed tour, interrupting my operation.

Bella didn't say anything but stepped aside and opened the door wide. I walked through the entry, tucking a strand of hair behind Bella's ear and tweaking Nessie's nose as I did so.

"Why don't you two tackle the math while I finish dinner," Bella said. Nessie ran upstairs to get her backpack while I followed Bella into the kitchen.

"Two meals spent with you in one day, lucky me."

She turned her back to me and busied herself with something on the stove. I wondered why she was trying to block me out. And then I went back to wondering about her underwear.

It used to be like a daily guessing game where we both won when she finally took her clothes off at the end of the day.

I had to know if I was right. It just felt like a blue kind of day.

"Whatcha cooking?" I asked, looking over her shoulder and shamefully trying to see down her the front of her shirt.

I felt like I was about 12, trying to score a peak of some cleavage. That was indeed a nice bonus but I was on a mission.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen," she said in a disbelieving tone. "Are you staring at my boobs?"

I was hoping she had become less perceptive over the years.

"Uhhh…" was all I could think to say. Somehow all of my front had become molded to all of her back and her gorgeous little ass was right where it should always be. "Sort of. But you really brought this upon yourself."

"How exactly?"

By being so fucking beautiful that my eyes hurt.

"By not telling me the color Bella, come on. I must know."

She sighed and hunched forward slightly, allowing me to see down the front of her shirt and grinding her ass into me at the same time.

Blue. I knew it was blue. Blue was my all time fucking favorite.

Unable to control myself, I whimpered into her neck as I kissed the smooth column of her throat.

Lord, I fucking whimpered. When was the last time that happened?

With Bella, probably.

My hands slid down her arms to cover her hands that were clenched on either side of the stove.

"Bella," I said, biting her ear gently and inciting a moan from her. She turned her head towards me and her lips were right here.

So I kissed her. For the first time in the better part of a decade, my lips were on hers and she was opening for me and hello Bella's tongue, oh how I have missed you.

She turned, winding her arms around my neck and sliding her hands into my hair, deepening the kiss as she did. I moaned and ground my pelvis into hers.

Everything was so familiar, yet everything had changed.

"Mom," said a tinkling voice from the other room causing Bella and I to pull apart. "Have you seen my math book? I can't… find… it."

Nessie entered the room, looking between Bella and myself. We were standing a foot or so apart and I still had Bella cornered by the stove. I kept my back to Nessie, just turning my head to look at her as Bella peered around me. I needed a moment to get my raging hard on under control.

"What is going on?" Nessie asked slowly, cocking her head to the side.

"Just cooking dinner," said an extremely red Bella. "Have you looked in the utility room? On the dryer?"

"Nope, thanks Mom," Nessie backed out of the kitchen slowly, studying us in that way she had that was far to perceptive for a ten year old.

I blamed Bella's genes.

As soon as she left, Bella ducked under my arms, leaving me staring at a pan of lasagna, ready to go in the oven.

"Maybe you should go," she said it a quite voice, further fracturing the remaining pieces of my heart.

"No, wait. I'll behave… Bella, fuck. I am sorry ok? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"You didn't make me uncomfortable. That is the problem."

Well that sounded hopeful, but then Nessie came back and I couldn't demand that Bella explain.

So I helped my daughter with math homework at the kitchen table while her mother cooked dinner, humming one of my songs under her breath.

It would have seemed so trite once, now I wanted it with every fiber of my being.

I wanted to kiss her again, to tell her how beautiful she was and how happy it made me that they were blue.

But I forced myself to behave. The best way to convince Bella to take me back was to show her how good we could be.

"So Nessie," I asked when we were all settled down with food on our plates and Ness was seated in between Bella and I at the rounded table. "Are you excited for the big trip?"

Nessie's class was going on a two night camping trip where they would be studying bugs and learning about the woods in general.

I wanted to chaperone but I was too fucking busy. There was a specific thing I was doing this weekend that required my presence in LA, but I couldn't remember what.

"SO excited. We are staying in these cabins, which is lame because I would rather sleep outside. Mrs. Duffy wont let Collin and I share a room, isn't that silly? She says boys have to be with boys and girls have to be with girls."

"Nessie, I am sure you will see plenty of Collin. Who are you staying with then?" Bella asked.

This was going very well, nice normal family dinner.

"Brittany, Amanda, and Heidi so that is good. Except Brittany says mean things sometimes so I wish it were Collin instead."

Nessie continued to talk while I continued to stare at Bella who was working very hard not to notice until the clinking of high heels on the front porch interrupted us.

"BELLA!! NESSIE! BEL-LLLAA!!!" Alice was yelling from the front room.

"In the kitchen," said my beloved.

Alice flew in, raising an eyebrow at me before she turned to focus on Bella.

"I have news," Alice said, grabbing a huge portion of lasagna and sitting across from Nessie.

"Good news?" Nessie asked.

"THE BEST NEWS EVER!" Alice shouted again. "Where did Jasper go? Jazz? Hurry up, I can't contain my excitement."

We all turned to see Jazz saunter into the kitchen, hands in his pockets, analyzing the situation and glaring at me. I hadn't seen a whole lot of Jasper since Bella and I broke up. He hated me for what I did to Bella and let me know by kicking my ass.

Yeah he could get in fucking line. I hated myself as well.

But Alice was basically my best friend so that meant that Jasper had to be civil.

Truth be told, I missed that motherfucker. I miss the whole ace gang.

"Edward," he said curtly.

"Jasper," I nodded in response, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning back in my chair.

"So," he continued as he walked closer. He was one scary bastard when he was pissed. "What are you doing here?"

"Just having dinner."

"Is that so? Well I say—"

"ENOUGH!" yelled my daughter. "Aunt Alice has news," she said, looking at us like she questioned our sanity and gesturing wildly to a very red Alice who was vibrating in her seat.

All eyes swung to Alice who gestured for Jasper to join her.

"Everyone," she said standing up and holding Jaspers hand while he now smiled down at his midget of a wife. "WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!"

Nessie squealed and leaped out of her chair into Alice's arms while Bella looked at me with inexplicable facial expression. I stared back, feeling bizarrely jealous of the happy couple, both because they were indeed a happy couple and that there would be such joy surrounding their announcement. I wanted that with Bella. I wanted a chance to see our friends and family shriek in excitement and congratulations. Not that I would change anything that resulted my wonderful Nessie, but I wanted to do the whole baby thing again without the stresses of being a teenager. And I wanted it with Bella.

Was Bella feeling any of this? Her face sure didn't look like the only thing she felt was happiness for her sister.

"Bella," I whispered. "Breathe." I reminded her just like I used to whenever whatever she was feeling made her forget.

After another moment she looked away, put a smile on her face and rose to hug her sister and brother in law.

Shaking my head and digging deep for some happy, I to expressed my congratulations before Alice launched into regaling us with the story of her first doctor's appointment and all she needed to do in the coming months.

I listened with half an ear, looking at Bella as my head swirled with memories.

~*~*~

Then—

"Goddamn pants, goddamn small ass duffle bag, goddamn Emmett…" I was grumbling to myself as I packed the bare minimums of what I would need for eight weeks on the road.

School had just let out for the summer. We had made it through Prom, which Alice insisted we attend, finals, that were a bitch as usual, and the graduation of the majority of the ace gang, which was really fucking depressing. I was sad to see them go, even Rosalie.

And now J. Jenks had organized a small venue tour for us and 3 other local bands playing in his clubs that would go up and down the coast of California as well as into Washington and Nevada. We were the closers, which was pretty fucking cool.

Stupid goddamn J. Jenks and his stupid goddamn tour, taking me away from Bella for eight goddamn weeks.

Not that I wasn't grateful. I fucking loved being on that stage, it was my goddamn dream.

But I would be away from Bella all summer.

Needless to say, I had mixed emotions about the whole goddamn thing.

I glanced up at my beloved from my spot on the floor where I sat, sorting through my shit cross-legged.

She was sitting in the middle of my bed, arms wrapped around her legs, chin on her knees, staring at me intently. Bella looked about as sad as I felt and I couldn't resist going to her then. I sat next to her, wrapping my arms around her as she buried her face in my chest.

"Come with me," I suggested for the zillionth time, knowing full well that it was an impossibility.

"Charlie would kill me. And so would Alice. Apparently we have to get in as much sister time as possible before she starts at FIDM, cause moving 20 minutes away is really going to effect our relationship."

"I don't want to go," I said, sounding and feeling like a whinny five year old.

"You are going to love it," Bella reminded me.

"I am not going to love being away from you."

"Yes well, remember that when you are bombarded by groupies."

I rolled my eyes, her fears were ridiculous.

"You could always just come with and make sure they don't get handsy." Yes I was well aware of how fucking desperate I sounded. But being away from Bella for one night was difficult. I didn't think I would survive eight weeks, basically the whole fucking summer.

But it was my dream. And the boys would have my nuts for backing out.

"Spending eight weeks in a Sam's van with four guys who have very little opportunity to shower? No thank you," she said, trying to make light of the depression that was hanging over both of us. She sighed loudly when her strategy failed. "I love you Edward Cullen. And by the end of the summer we will pick up where we left off. We will talk on the phone every day. It really wont be that bad."

Of course it would be that bad. Either she was lying to herself or she didn't feel the fucking crippling ache I did when we weren't together.

I kissed her to stopping thinking in a thousand different directions.

The touch of her lips ignited a sort of frenzy and we rushed out of our clothes, desperate to get closer.

She mumbled something about my parents being downstairs but I quickly cut off her protects with another deep kiss. And then I was touching her and pushing into her and the room was filled with our collective pants and moans and she called my name and I called hers.

After, I stayed where I was for a long time, just looking into her eyes, trying to absorb as much of her as I could before I left.

Eventually I rolled off her, bring her into the nook, and smelling her hair.

"Please try to enjoy this experience Edward, it is a gift," she whispered into my shoulder.

I just shrugged. I was being a moody prick when I should be excited and thankful for this incredible opportunity.

"God cant you just be happy? Focus on the good parts?"

I shrugged, knowing that I was being a fucking baby but I was having a real hard time seeing the good parts.

She huffed when I didn't say anything and rolled away from me, hopping off the bed and taking the sheet with her, leaving me cold and naked and alone.

"I can't believe you are acting like this, you should be thankful! This is the beginning of all you ever wanted," she yelled as she stormed across the room, tripping twice before she reached the bathroom.

"You are all I ever wanted," I pointed out.

She stuck her head out of the bathroom and glared at me. She was goddamn adorable when she was mad.

"You have me you idiot," Bella said before disappearing again.

I groaned and seriously considered burying my head in my pillows, but they smelled like Bella.

So I got up and went to the bathroom where I found her, sitting on the lid of the toilet, arms and legs crossed, glaring at the doorway like she knew I would follow her.

Goddamn she was beautiful.

"Bella, I am happy and excited and thankful and all that, see?" I gave her my best crooked smile and pointed to my mouth. She looked for a moment like she wanted to giggle but then her glare hardened again.

"It is not fair, you being all naked when you talk. It makes my head fuzzy," she said, rubbing her temples and closing her eyes.

I allowed myself to smirk momentarily at my naked effects on my beloved before scrambling over to sit on the bathtub next to Bella.

"Sunshine, I am just going to miss you. And I am so sorry for being pissy on our last day together."

I hung my head in hands and couldn't look at Bella. I was the scum of the earth for upsetting her.

"You are making me feel bad."

Scum of the earth. I was the motherfucking scum of the earth for making her feel bad.

"Bella, I am so sorry," I said, tilting her face towards mine with her chin. "I won't go, I will stay. I don't want you to feel—"

"No, no, no, no, no. Edward, I feel like I am getting in your way. Like I am keeping you from doing what you love."

What the fuck?

"If it wasn't for me you would be super excited right now. I am just holding you back," she continued.

"What the fuck?"

"And I don't know how to fix it because I am too selfish to even think about not being with you."

I went a bit cross-eyed and vaguely felt like I was going to pass out.

"So you just have to promise that you are going to go for it, and I mean really go for it. Try to make it big without thinking about me ok? You will always have me and this is your chance to have everything. So do it and stop worrying about me," she said as she took my face in her hands and kissed me gently.

I nodded and kissed her back greedily, relieved that I wasn't losing her. God, she had freaked me the fuck out.

"I love you, Edward Cullen."

Then and there, I vowed to commit to this band business and stop being a winey bitch. For Bella. She would never hear another complaint from me.

I let out a shaky breath and we proceeded to get dressed. Tonight was our last gig at The Factor, J. Jenks club where we now had the regular spot of Friday nights. Since we started playing regular shows in December, we had been growing in popularity, even getting some regulars who came to every show.

It was fucking weird, having random people know all the words to something so personal. Fucking great, but also fucking weird.

And tonight was the last show. We hit the road in the morning. The ace gang and the p-rents would be there. All the hoopla made me feel like I was about 12, but I secretly liked having people who cared enough to show up.

It was something I was still getting used to after my first loveless 8 years getting bounced around from foster home to foster home.

We descended the stairs to find the dinner Esme had laid out, buffet style. Jasper, Alice, and Rose had arrived, along with Elizabeth. The whole thing just depressed me further. I hated the thought of leaving it, but I promised Bella so I plastered a smile on my face and faked it.

Everyone gathered around the dining room table because this had been dubbed a special occasion. It was fucking loud and chaotic as everyone talked over each other just like always, but Bella held my hand throughout dinner so it was perfect.

Why was I fucking with something so great by leaving?

I always thought that there was one specific thing I was put on this earth to do. Music was it for me, until I met Bella. It was the only thing to keep me sane or make me happy. There was nothing like being up on that fucking stage.

But maybe I had it wrong. I would be perfectly content just loving Bella forever.

I had zoned out momentarily, lost in my head and focused on keeping a smile on my face, until I saw Bella smiling and gesturing with her phone.

"Who is this guy?" Rosalie asked from across the table.

What fucking guy?

"Jacob Black, he just moved here. Apparently we go way back. He says we used to make mud pies. Do you remember him Alice?"

I immediately loathed Jacob Black, whoever the fuck he was.

"Vaguely. I more remember hanging out with his big sisters while Charlie and Billy fished. So he is going to be there tonight?" Alice asked, looking pensive.

"Yup, I guess the Chief gave him my number so I invited him. He doesn't know anyone yet and he doesn't start his new job until the end of the week. Hopefully it wont be to awkward, but he seems nice enough."

I growled. Of course Charlie gave this fuckwad Bella's number. Papa Swan hated me and I was constantly trying to find someone to steal her away from me.

"Edward," Bella groaned, seeing my face and hearing my displeasure. "Please don't be absurd."

"You don't even know this guy. I don't fucking like it, you are not hanging out with him."

There, that would take care of that.

"Shit Eddie, you should just club her over the head and drag her back to your cave," Rosalie snorted, waving her fork in the air.

"I am just being practical. We don't know anything about this asshole—"

"He is Charlie's best friend's son, we used to make mud pies," Bella pointed out.

I pressed on, ignoring her interruption as I added more rum to my already spiked juice while making sure Carlisle and Esme couldn't see.

"He could be a sociopath or a rapist or a murder or—"

"Keep going Edward, we all know that you are beyond whipped and borderline crazy, but it sure is entertaining when you freak out," said Alice. "This is completely innocent. You might even have a chance to make a new friend."

I rolled my eyes. "I don't like random dudes texting my girlfriend."

"As I was saying," Bella said, raising her voice to be heard over another wisecrack from both Rose and Alice. "Jacob is meeting us at The Factor and we are all going to be very nice."

The girls went back to chatting and I wanted to do something, but Bella gave me a look that clearly said shut the fuck up so I contented myself to another long drink instead.

~*~*~

BPOV

I was glad Jacob found us before Vampire Sunrise came on. When Edward was on stage, he was all I could focus on and my head became fogged with a lust-induced haze that typically kept me from normal social interaction.

He hugged me and then Alice when he found us at our typical high table that provided us with the best view of the stage. Jake was big and loud and acted like we had been best friends our entire lives.

The weird part was that I felt like it was true.

"So what brings you to L.A Jake?" Jasper asked.

"A job," he replied.

"Aren't you still in school?" I asked. He had such a young face despite his huge, hulking form.

"Well, school was never really my thing. And a buddy of mine's older brother is opening an auto shop out here, so I figured I would give the sunshine a shot."

"Do you like it so far?" I asked, wondering why anyone would willingly move here. The beach was the one redeeming quality.

"I just got here yesterday," he said, suddenly looking at me with an intensity that made me uncomfortable. "But it is pretty great so far."

And then he winked. I almost fell out of my chair.

The table had gotten uncomfortably quite as Jacob continued to stare. I turned red and coughed a little before I could even look at him again.

"Yes. Well. It is pretty nice. My boyfriend, Edward, and I try to get to the beach as much as possible. " Jacobs face fell and I almost felt guilty for a moment. "Speaking of my boyfriend, Edward, his band should be starting every minute. My boyfriend, Edward, he plays the guitar and sings. They are rather excellent."

I hated how red I was and stopped babbling as soon as I realized I was doing it.

Rose, Alice, and Jazz all burst out laughing at my discomfort. Jake looked confused and I got redder, something I didn't think was possible.

I really hoped the whole thing wasn't mentioned to Edward because I did like Jake and would like to at least have the chance to be his friend. If Edward found out about the subtle flirting he would flip shit and that would be the end of Jake.

"Yes," Rose said when she finally composed herself. "He plays with my boyfriend, Emmett. My boyfriend, Emmett, is the drummer. My boyfriend, Emmett, is the huge one with the sexy dimples."

God my friends were assholes.

"And my boyfriend, Jasper, is right here. I do believe you have met."

Poor Jake, he just looked utterly bewildered.

"Ignore them Jake," I said. "They are obviously insane."

He grinned at me and the conversation continued to flow, all awkwardness forgotten, until the boys took the stage.

The floor was crowded and they received enthusiastic cheers, I was fairly positive that I heard Esme let out some sort of whoop, but I stopped noticing everything when he smiled at me and started playing.

After the show, which always left me feeling a bit like my limbs were filled with jelly, Emmett joined us and met Jake, along with Carlisle and Esme. I kept looking over my shoulder toward the backstage entrance that Edward usual came through to find me when he was done.

After another 2 Edward-less minutes, I got irritated and excused myself to go find him. He was leaving in the morning and I didn't want to waste another second without him.

I barely made it through the swinging door when I was hauled off my feet and pressed up against a nearby wall. The moment of panic subsided when I smelled him and saw a flash of copper hair in the dark.

"Took you long enough, I have been willing you to walk through that door for the last 5 minutes."

His lips found their way to my throat, and I moaned.

"What? You didn't want to come say hello? Carlisle and Esme and Jake are all out there," I whispered in his ear as I wound my fingers into his gorgeous perma-sex hair.

"Exactly."

He finally brought his lips to mine and I ground my pelvis into his. He tasted like alcohol, again, and somewhere in the back of my head this concerned me but I was far to distracted by Edward to focus on anything else.

Part of me was still irritated with Edward for his lack of excitement over something so big and great. I couldn't handle it when he started to back out of the tour. He was so talented and the band was so good and he loved it so much. I would hate for him to give that all up for me. I could see him years down the road, because I was positive now that he was my future, bitter and jaded, resenting me for keeping him from his long ago dreams while I was angry that he ever even put me in that position.

Plus, once he was out there, actually doing it, I knew he would be thrilled with his life. He probably wouldn't even miss me, though I hoped he did a little because I was mentally preparing for the longest, worst summer of my life.

And I used to spend every summer in Colorado with Renee, so that was really saying something.

I was semi aware of somehow getting to the sidewalk and hoping into a cab and stumbling through the front door of my empty house, until we finally landed in my bed where he made me come in a vibrant array of pleasure and light.

We feel asleep spooned together, murmuring words of love. I tried to absorb enough of him to last me eight weeks.

It didn't work.

I woke up alone in my big, cold bed, aching for him already. A quick love note scrawled on an old magazine was the only proof that he was ever there at all.

I wish he had woken me.

Over the next few weeks, I attempted to stay busy. I reconnected with Jessica, who finally came clean about Mike, and tried not to get depressed whenever I was with Jasper and my sister.

At least Rosalie knew how I felt, but she wouldn't even admit to missing Emmett so I couldn't talk to her about my loneliness. Alice had gotten in the habit of declaring regular girls nights full of mani's and pedi's and sex talks. And I didn't even have Edward as an excuse to get out of the torture.

My daily phone calls with Edward were encouraging and he seemed to love life on the road. He entertained me with stories of the ridiculous behavior of the wannabe rockstars that made up most of the other bands. The drugs, sex, and alcohol all made me nervous, but Edward seemed to avoid all that. He said he missed me but was staying busy and developing as a musician. I tried to match his cheer on the phone but it was hard.

After 2 Edward-less weeks, I was exhausted.

Jake provided a minor escape. I had stared hanging out with him after agreeing to teach him how to surf. Seeing him flailing around and falling off his board again and again was really entertaining.

Three lessons later and he still wasn't any closer to being able to stand. After two hours of whipping out, I took pity on him and invited him back to my house for lunch.

"For someone so poised on land, you sure do suck in the water," I said as we munch on PB&J on the back patio. "I mean you don't even fall gracefully."

"What can I say? I am a land dweller, it is the natural order of things."

"Everything crawled out of the sea at some point you know."

"Whatever, you just stick to what you do in the water, and I will continued to do what I do on land," he said as he polished off his third sandwich and reached for another.

"And what is it that you do?"

"Dance."

I choked on a glob of peanut butter after laughing out loud at that revelation.

"Dance?"

"I have rhythm," he said simply. "We should go dancing sometime."

Occasionally, Jake would venture out of friend territory and I would desperately steers us back there. I knew that if it kept up, Jake and I couldn't be friends. But I really liked hanging out with him and I wasn't ready to let that go yet.

"I don't dance, not without Edward anyway."

Jake frowned and looked away for a moment.

"I don't know if I like your boyfriend Bella. You make him sound really possessive."

"Is that really a bad thing? He just loves me and wants to protect me."

"From what?"

"Big bad scary strangers in allies, weirdos with long hair who just go around asking other peoples girlfriends to go dancing with them. You know, bad guys," I explained, hoping that Jake would just laugh and change the subject.

He just rolled his eyes and continued on.

"Whatever, why do you only dance with your boyfriend?" he asked.

"I am not much of a dancer, I am actually a bit of a klutz. Plus I don't know how to actually dance."

"You have ever danced before?" he asked, mouth hanging open in confusion.

"Of course I have, I dance all the time, whenever the mood strikes me. I have never really danced with someone though, with like steps and everything."

"Steps are overrated," he said as he stood and extended his hand to me, bowing slightly as he did so. "But good to know anyway. Come here, let me teach you."

"No really, that is not a good idea."

"Bella, I owe you for the surf lessons."

"I thought we were both sticking to what we do, land and sea? Remember?" I pleaded, really not knowing how else to say no.

"Just think how impressed your boyfriend will be when he gets home and you can show him with your plethora of dance moves."

"I don't need to impress my boyfriend with dancing, there are much more effective ways to do that."

"Bella," he wined, getting down on his knees in front of me to beg properly. "Dance with me."

He was tugging insistently on my hand and I was adamantly shaking my head when I heard a menacing growl from behind me.

And there was my own personal rockstar, arms crossed over his black t-shirt. His hair was even more disheveled then usual and his dark sunglasses paired with my favorite rocker jeans made him even more appealing.

How did I manage to land such a sexy boy?

Beaming, I leaped over a somewhat stunned Jacob and wrapped myself around Edward's beautiful body. I could feel then tension in his muscles as he continued to glare at Jake, but he relaxed when I kissed his jaw.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

Seeing my obvious jubilation, he looked down at me for the first time and smiled.

"We had four days free in a row and I needed to see you," he said, cupping my face in his hands and giving me a quick kiss. My body responded instantly. I was desperate for him and it had only been two weeks.

Forgetting all about our audience, I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling his mouth to mine. Edward opened his mouth to me while lifting me off the ground to get closer.

He nibbled on my lip and I let out a soft moan that caused Jake to fake a cough behind us, reminding me that he was even here.

"Are you really still here?" Edward snarled. I smack him lightly in the chest for being so rude even though he reflected my own thoughts.

"Edward, be nice. This is my friend Jake, I told you about him. And Jake his is my boyfriend Edward." I did my best to make a friendly introduction, but they were both glaring at each other.

Jake approached us and stuck out a hand to Edward who took the extended hand without letting me go. I rolled my eyes at their pissing contest as both of their knuckles turned white.

I had a weird urge to tell Jake not to hurt those hands, they did nice things to me.

"It is nice to meet you Edward," Jake said through clenched teeth. "I have just been getting reacquainted with Bella while you have been away."

I groaned as Edwards grip made Jake wince.

"It's a pleasure," Edward said sarcastically. "And if you ever touch my Bella again, I will end you." Scary, overprotective Edward was back and his tone made me shiver. Even Jake's confidante smirk faltered.

I tried to figure out how to get out of this mess.

"Well, aren't you the possessive prick," Jacob sneered, finally letting go of Edward's hand and taking a step back.

"Damn right," Edward said. "I look out for what is mine." I knew Edward was about 8 seconds from launching himself at Jake, fists flying, so I stepped in between them, placing a hand on Edward's chest. He covered it with his own hand, but continued to glare at massive boy behind me.

Jacob snorted and opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off.

"I think you should go Jake," I said quietly, not overly happy with either with them but desperate to get Edward naked.

He looked crushed, and I felt guilty all over again. I wanted to say something to make him feel better, but Edward lifted me up and wrapped my legs around his waist and I was too dizzy to speak.

"Yes Jacob, go. Bella and I have things to do," he said as he kissed my neck. I knew I should be angry with him for his ridiculousness toward Jacob, but I was way to turned on.

I heard Jacob leave, murmuring a quick goodbye that I may or may not have returned.

With me still in his arms, we stumbled into the gauzy, cabana bed thing that Kathleen preferred to lounge in to stay out of the sun.

"Goddamn, Bella what am I going to do with you?" Edward breathed into my neck when he finally got me on my back. "I leave you alone for 2 weeks and the wolves descend."

He made quick work of the board shorts and bikini bottoms I was still in from surfing earlier, leaving me in just the top. Irritated that he was still fully clothed, I fumbled with his shirt and then the buckle of his belt. He helped me strip him of his pants before pushing a calloused finger into me. I gasped and arched toward him.

"I missed you," he told me. "So much."

I couldn't really talk to tell him I missed him too, so I just rolled on top of him and showed him just how much.

~*~*~

EPOV

Everything I told Bella wasn't a lie. I loved performing and really did think I was growing as a musician. But the rest fucking blew.

Between the traveling, the shameless girls who I was forced to pawn off on Sam nightly, and the lack of Bella, I had been forced to spend the last 14 days drunk. Or high. But I really preferred my whiskey.

I had developed a nice routine. Wake up around 2, either in the van or some shity hotel, and call Bella spouting off a bunch of shit about how great it is on the road in accordance with my vow. Then it was beer before the show and whiskey after. I used to hang out with everyone else at the after parties, but it was exhausting warding off the unwanted attention of these fucking women. Plus they served to put into sharp focus the one girl I actually wanted to be with.

So I would drink myself to sleep and start over in the morning.

It probably wasn't good for my liver, but it was only eight weeks. That and I didn't have any other options. It is not like I could talk to Bella about this shit.

But then I realized I had four days to kill before the next show and I didn't give a fuck if it was a 7 hour drive, I was seeing my Bella.

After dropping Emmett off at Rosalie's and witnessing their far too graphic reunion, I speed over to my lady love's only to see her half naked, giggling at some hulking Native American boy.

The infamous Jacob Black I assumed, oh how I hated him.

Bella had been seeing far too much of him for my liking. During one phone call I banned her from seeing him but she only called me absurd and promptly ignored me. No matter how much I grumbled and whined and demanded, Bella was one stubborn girl.

I would just have to use this to show him who the fuck Bella belonged to. Me.

So I shook the bastards hand and contained the urge to knock his face in. And then he wouldn't fucking leave and I thought about forcibly removing him, but Bella had my full attention because she seemed to want him to go as much as I did.

Bella and I spend the next three days in various stages of undress, though after a tomato sauce-exploding incident we discovered naked cooking is stupid so Bella started putting on clothes to cook. But she always donned my shirts and didn't wear any underwear.

Alice wanted to get the entire ace gang together, but Bella said she just wanted to be with me and convinced Alice to stay at Jasper's.

Thank the powers that be that Charlie was out of town. I don't think he would have like the naked swimming. Or the naked scrabble games. Or the naked sex for that matter.

But then I had to get back in that fucking van with fucking far to happy and loud Emmett, and get back to this touring business.

It was back to lonely, drunken nights prefaced by moments of euphoria on stage where I was always missing Bella.

The countdown to back to Bella began and I ticked off the days in my head till I was back with her. T- minus 6 weeks. It was going to be a fucking long two months.

~*~*~

BPOV

"Oh God, oh God, oh God. I am such a fucking idiot. This can't be happening," I said, fluttering around Jasper's bathroom. I was pacing back and forth, resisting the urge to pull my hair out. "How can you just sit there all serenely at the time like this?" I yelled at my sister who was perched on the edge of the bathtub/shower.

"Bella, I am not going to freak out or breathe a sigh of relief or do anything for another," she paused to glance at the timer, "two minutes."

"What am I going to do if it is positive? What am I going to tell Edward? And Charlie? Holy fucking shit and Renee? I am Renee. I am my mother. Oh my God. How did this happen? How many minutes? Oh God, oh God, oh God."

I was late. Very late. It had been way to long since a visit from Aunt Flow. Renee used to say that and I hated it so I couldn't believe I even thought it, but my brain was doing weird things.

"1 minute, Bella come here. Calm down, it is going to be ok. And you are not Renee. There is no babies daddy doubt for one." I sat down next to my sister on the edge of the tub and buried my face in her neck as she hugged me.

Ding. The timer went off and I almost teetered over. I didn't want to know, I was better off just being surprised in nine months.

"Bella?" Alice asked tentatively, pulling lightly on one of the hands that covered my eyes.

"Did you read it? Do you know?" I asked.

"Yes."

"I am pregnant, aren't I?"

"Yes."

I slumped backwards into the bathtub, pulling Alice with me and we landed with a thump as a jumble of legs. I wrapped my arms around my middle and started semi-hyperventilating.

"Bella, honey, maybe it is wrong. You could take another test, these things are sometimes wrong—"

"I know how it happened, it is all my fault."

"Well, it isn't ALL your fault."

"Alice, when he surprised me with his visit? What was it, almost six weeks ago?" My sister nodded as she sat up and pulled my head into her lap. "Well, at the time I wasn't exactly taking my pills on a regular basis."

"Why not?"

"Edward was gone, it made it hard to remember. And then when he showed up, I forgot to remember that I had been taking them somewhat erratically but I was so used to not thinking about birth control that I didn't think about it at all," I said as I started to cry. "And now I am… PREGANT, just like… RENEE. I am 17 and pregnant, just like her. I am my mother."

I was hysterical now, sobbing and shaking and hiccupping and snotting all over Alice. She let me for a while, but after what seemed like hours to me she had enough.

"Bella, calm down this cant be healthy."

I tried to work the air through my lungs right, in and out, but I couldn't manage it. And Edward wasn't there to tell me to breathe.

So Alice turned on the shower. It was freezing at first and we both squeaked, but soon my breathing calmed and the water disguised the tears. I sat up next to Alice and closed my eyes, the now hot water on my face soothing me.

I lost track of time again as I worked to turn off my brain. A million thoughts and questions were flying through my head, making it impossible to figure out anything.

What was I going to do? What would Edward want to do? Would he hate me for my stupidity? Charlie was going to be so disappointed, Renee was going to be horrified and judgmental. Everyone at school was going to see and I was going to turn into a statistic, an unwed teenage mother.

I couldn't seem to get past all that preliminary stuff and actually picture myself huge and eventually with a baby.

"Alice? Need a little…company?" Jasper called as he threw back the shower curtain and stared down at Alice and I sitting fully clothed with that stupid pee stick floating around between us in the rising water. "Apparently not."

He raised an eyebrow at Alice, glancing toward the test and back at my sister, who shook her head and looked at me. Jasper visibly relaxed when he realized it wasn't Alice's.

"Damn," he said as he took off his shoes and socks and climbed in next to me. Jasper's presence alone had always had a calming effect on me and I unwound between the two people who practically raised me, snuggling closer to both of them as I tried to straighten out my head.

"I am going to kill him," Jasper said simply.

"That is sweet," I said, closing my eyes again and laying my head on Jasper's shoulder as I wrapped my arms more firmly around my body.

"Really? Because I thought you would be against the whole killing your boyfriend thing," Jasper said, sounding bemused.

"No, I am against that. But it is just nice to know you care, that you are there for me. Both of you."

"What are you going to do?" Alice asked quietly.

"I don't know. The first step will be telling Edward I guess."

"Are you going to call him?" Jasper inquired.

"No, I mean he gets home in two days. It will be better to just tell him in person." Part of me just wanted to text him and get it over with, but even I wasn't that much of a coward.

"So before or after the party then?" I groaned as I remembered the stupid surprise party that Esme and Alice were throwing to welcome back the boys. Edward was sure to hate it and I was against the idea, but there was no arguing with the two of them. It was going to be at the Cullen's house and everyone any of us knew even a little bit was going to be there.

"Well I guess I don't have a choice, I can't very well tell him before. Fuck. I cannot believe this is happening."

"I am seriously going to kill him," Jasper said again.

"You are not," I replied.

"Yea, I really am. Fucking idiot."

"Jazz, I am the idiot."

"Whatever Bella, if he doesn't handle this exactly how he should handle this I am going to kill him. If he does anything to hurt you I am going to kill him. If he so much as—"

"We get it Jasper," Alice said, rolling her eyes and turning off the now lukewarm water. "Come on Bella, lets get you to bed. We can figure out everything that needs to figured out in the morning and you look like you are about to pass out."

So I let Alice get me home and tuck into bed like she used to when I was little as I tried to figure out how to tell Edward that I was pregnant.

~*~*~

EPOV

"Drive a little fucking slower Sam! Goddamn." We were minutes away from my house where Bella was waiting and this asshole is driving like Nana Cullen.

"Chill the fuck out Edward, you are stressing me out with your fucking twitching!" he retorted. I stilled my bouncing leg and ignored the loud crash that came from the back of the van were Emmett and Seth were wrestling.

I just had to see her it had been way to fucking long. The closer we got to Bella the more time seemed to slow down.

"Seriously Eddie-Boy, you need to calm the fuck down. Another 2 minutes isn't going to kill you," said Seth, sticking his head in between Sam and I.

Before I could reply Seth was pulled backwards and it was replaced by Emmett's.

"Yes Bro, why don't you have a drink," Emmett said, waving an open flask under my nose. I just glared at him in response, he was a bit on my case about the drinking lately.

Fucking hypocrite.

"Why not? You spent most of the tour drunk, why not end it that way? Or would you prefer to just get wasted alone like you usually do?"

"Shut up asshole," I grumbled, twitching again now that we were rounding the corner to our street.

Before the van was at a complete stop I was out the door and striding up the front steps of the house. I opened the door and walked past several non-Bella people before Alice pointed upstairs.

She had a weird look on her face and her arms will full of what appeared to be decorations, but I was to busy searching for my beloved to care.

I found her a split second later, sitting cross-legged in the middle of my bed with a book in her lap.

"Hey there rockstar," she said quietly. She had a sad little smile on her lips and dark bags under her eyes. Something felt weird, off, but she still looked so beautiful it knocked the wind out of me.

"Hi," I said, still awkwardly loitering by my bedroom door here, worrying about that look on her face. Maybe she was going to dump me for Jacob Black. I had been dreaming about it all summer, it was probably a sign.

"Come here, I don't want you so far away."

And just like that all my fears were gone and I rushed to the bed to wrap my arms around her.

"Hi," I said again, burying my face in her hair as she pushed her fingers through mine. "Fuck, it is good to be home."

I felt her nod and she let out a tiny sob.

"Sunshine?" I asked as I pulled away to look at her now tear streaked face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she said as she shook her head and gave me a tight smile. Goddamn she was a terrible liar. "I am just so happy that you are home."

I was going to call her on her bullshit, but then she was in my lap kissing me and rubbing against my dick and I just let it slide. Her kisses were different, desperate almost. And as much as I wanted to attribute it to her missing me, I felt like it was something much worse.

Like she was going to leave me for Jacob motherfucking Black.

She pulled me closer and I let my fingertips graze her firm belly. Suddenly she grabbed my hand, squeaked, and leapt across the room, staring at me in horror.

Now I was repulsing her with my motherfucking touch. Goddamn. My chest got tight and my hands got sweaty, and fuck me she was leaving.

"Bella?" I wracked my brain, trying to figure out what I could do or say to change her mind.

Fuck I should never have left her alone for a whole summer. I might as well have delivered her to him with a big fuck red bow.

"Edward, sorry but we really should help set up for the party."

"Party?"

"Yea, it was supposed to be a surprise but you guys got home early. Esme invited everyone."

"Fuck, that sounds just horrible."

How the fuck was I going to make it through a goddamn party with Bella keeping something from me?

I wondered where Emmett put my flask.

"I would rather just be alone with you," she whispered.

What the fuck was going on?

"Come here," I said, praying that she wouldn't shy away from me again. I let out a huge sigh of relief as she moved, sitting next to me on the foot of my bed and wiggling under my arm. "Bella, please, tell me what is going on. What is wrong sunshine?"

"Edward, I am so sorry I—"

"Edward! There you are, sneaking away without even saying hello to your mother."

"Hi Mom," I said pinching the bridge of my nose. Holy fuck, Esme just interrupted Bella breaking up with me. Part of me was thankful because I was positive that I didn't want to know what Bella had to be sorry about. "So I hear we are having a party."

"Yes, and you ruined your surprise, getting here early," Esme walked over, kissed my forehead, and ran a hand through Bella's hair. "But it is a blessing in disguise because we need all the hands we can get to help set up."

And with that we were ushered into the service of Esme. For the next few hours, I kept trying to get Bella alone between designated tasks, but she was avoiding me.

And Alice seemed to be helping. The pixie had the same panicked look on her face that Bella did.

Fuck this was not good. I wanted to find Jacob Black and beat his face in. I wanted to pass out in a drunken stupor and drown my sorrows. But Esme wouldn't leave me alone for a minute.

Guests began to arrive and I had to deal with making small talk with Esme's friends, kids from school who never noticed me before I started dating Bella, and even my friends.

I had zero desire to see any of them.

I was half listening to Angela talk to Ben, who I had just introduced, when I saw the hulking form of Jacob Black tromp in, making a beeline for Bella who was talking to Jasper.

Jasper had been glaring at me all night, adding another fucking bizarre social interaction to the mounting list.

I abruptly starting making my way through the crowd to Bella, desperate to beat Jacob Black.

She was still my fucking girlfriend and I would not lose her, even if I have to end Jacob Black in the process.

But he was closer and he gave her a hug as I battled my way through the crowd, angrier then I had even been in my life.

I got there just as he was letting her go, shoving him hard away from her.

"What the fuck?" he yelled as he stumbled.

"Edward, calm down," said my beloved.

"And how the hell do you expect me to do that when something is clearly fucked up?" I asked, turning to Bella and glaring down at her.

I knew I would never be good enough to keep her. I was never good enough to keep anyone, but for a fucking moment I thought she was different. I honestly thought we would be together forever, getting a fairy tale ending.

I was obviously both a pussy and a fucking idiot.

"Edward," Jasper said, still glaring at me as he placed a hand on my shoulder pushing me away from Bella. "Chill the fuck out and back the fuck up."

"I just want to know what the fuck is going on!" I was really screaming now, making a scene and attracting the attention of many party goers.

"Edward, please. Not here, not now."

"Bella, I can't take it. I am going crazy here, just talk to me," I pleaded, ready to be put out of my misery and already calculating how long it would take me to get passed out drunk.

"After the party ok? Please."

"No," I said, grabbing her upper arms and resisting the urge to shake her. "Now."

"Woah man you are hurting her," said goddamn Jacob Black.

I really lost it then.

"You are leaving me aren't you! For this fucking oversized troglodyte, aren't you?" I screamed, fully aware that I sounded as insane as I felt.

"What?" Bella, Jasper, Jacob, and Alice, who I hadn't even noticed before, all shrieked at the same time.

"IF YOU ARE NOT DUMPING ME THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON." Bella looked stunned but I was at the end of my rope, I had to know if I was keeping her. "Please Bella," I whispered, touching her face gently. "Please."

She glanced at Alice who looked a bit shell shocked, before she nodded and quickly stalked out of my backyard. I followed, half a step behind her, to her car where she handed me her keys and got in the passengers seat.

"Where are we going?" I asked as I started the car and backed out of the driveway, my voice creaky from all the yelling.

"The beach, our spot."

I drove the two minutes to our secluded dune and grabbed Bella's hand as we made our way across the sand.

"I love you," I told her as we sat facing each other and the bottom of the dune.

"As I love you," she murmured, looking down at her tightly clasped hands.

"Then what ever you have to tell me won't be that bad," I reassured us both, tucking an errant strand of hair behind her ear. "Bella, just tell me. All this waiting and freaking out has do be worse."

She snorted and smiled an ironic smile before taking a deep, steadying breath and looking me in the eyes. Fuck, the look on her face told me I was wrong. The shit was about to hit the fan, the plane was about to go in for a crash landing, complete with the oxygen masks dropping from the ceiling.

What the fuck was my brain even doing? Planes?

"Edward," she began, looking terrified. "I am pregnant."

We have just lost cabin pressure.

~*~*~

BPOV

After my grand announcement, I woke up alone.

He had said and done all the right things, but when I reached for him in the night he was gone.

We sat there on the beach for a long time before I could even summon the courage to look into Edward's face. He was staring out over the ocean in a way that made it clear he wasn't really seeing it. His eyes were scrunched up and his bottom lip was slack. Under different circumstances it would have been comical and as it was I bit back my hysterical urge to laugh.

How had I fucked this up so badly? How did I make Edward think I was leaving him?

"What am I going to do Edward?" I whispered finally, unable to take his silence any longer.

"You?" he asked, his eyes snapping to mine. They were burning me, almost onyx with emotion. I just wished I could decode what he was feeling. "This isn't a you situation, Bella."

"But it is my fault, I did this. I am so sorry—"

"Bella!" he yelled. "I got you pregnant right?"

I nodded quickly.

"So this is a we situation, got that?"

Just hearing him say it flooded me with relief and I scampered across the sand into his arms, burying my tear soaked face into his neck. It was my stupidity that did this and I was so scared that he would leave me all alone to face this huge, daunting thing.

"I love you Bella. Everything is going to be alright."

After watching the sunset in silence, I finally thought about the things you are supposed think about at times like this.

Abortion. Even my mind shuddered over the word, knowing I could never do it. So I decided not to mention it.

Adoption. That was even trickier, given Edward's past.

"Edward? What do you think about our… options?" I said, not wanting to say the words but needing to know where his head was at over all this baby business.

"There is only one option," he said, running his fingers through his hair. "We can't… I can't risk my kid going through what I went through. A kid should know who their parents are, that's all."

I started crying again, realizing that I didn't know for sure who my father was and how much it had torn me up. When Renee got drunk during my last visit to Colorado the summer before 8th grade, she announced that she was already sleeping with Phil by the time of my conception so she couldn't be sure who my father was.

She was pretty positive it was Charlie thought, whatever that meant.

I never told Charlie, only Alice and Jasper. Renee never mentioned it again, but she couldn't convince me to go back. Our weekly phone conversations remained phony and superficial.

Jasper suggested a DNA test but Alice said that blood didn't matter, that Charlie had been and would always be my father. I didn't get a DNA test, creating instead the shield of Queen Bee Bella and retreating deeply into myself.

The whole situation was something I had buried so deep that I never wanted to talk about it. But several months ago, Jasper alluded to my paternity issues and Edward freaked out, incensed that Jasper knew something about me that he didn't. So in a very painful conversation, I told Edward about my past and he told me about his.

We hadn't discussed any of it since, but this baby business was causing both our childhoods to resurface.

"Oh shit, Bella," Edward said, realizing what his words would mean to me. "I am so sorry, I didn't mean you. Charlie is great, to you at least. I just meant, the whole adoption thing is not an option. And I won't even think the word abortion in terms of something that is part you and part me. So only one option really."

I nodded into his chest again, both terrified at the thought of actually being a mother and so glad that Edward seemed so strong.

Edward's response made me love him even more.

I had fallen asleep cuddled in my bed with Edward. I hadn't slept for more then three consecutive hours since I found out about this thing growing inside me, but Edward being there soothed me and I was out by nine that night.

At 12:03 I rolled over and he wasn't there. I curled into a tiny ball and cried.

He had left me, he had changed his mind, he didn't want to deal with this baby.

How could he do this? I thought he loved me. What would I do without him? I couldn't live without him, let alone raise a child.

Twenty minutes and thousands of dark thoughts later, my bedroom door creaked open. I flipped over to see Edward sneaking back into my room, making an effort to be quite, not to wake me.

He was really confusing me.

"Hi there sunshine," he said when I noticed that I was awake. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"You didn't, I couldn't sleep and then you weren't here…" I replied, trying to mask my tears. He was not tricked and rushed to me immediately.

"I am so sorry Bella, there was just something I had to do. How are you holding up?" he asked as he cradled my face in his hands, getting down on his knees next tom the bed.

"I am fine," I lied.

"You have dark circles under your eyes."

"I cant sleep," I confessed. "I haven't really slept great since you have been gone and this has just made it worse."

He sighed and kissed my forehead.

"I went to home," he confessed, still holding on to my face and examining me intensely.

"Why?" I asked dumbfounded. Was he running away? Did he only come back out of a sense of duty. Edward was all about honor and duty, but I didn't want him to be with me out of duty, I wanted him to love me.

"To talk everything out with Esme, she is a wise women. Or at least she helps me get my thoughts in order."

"God, what must she think of me? I should have gone with you."

"She doesn't judge Bella, she was just shocked and worried about us. But she will be supportive. She loves us. It also helps that I love you and want to be with you forever. So she gave me this." He released my chin to remove a small velvet box from his pocket. "Now do not flip out. The way I see it, this was bound to happen eventually. I can't see myself with anyone but you. This pregnancy thing just speeded it up a bit, because I really do love you Isabella Marie Swan. I want you now and forever. You move me, inspire me, and make me want to be a better person. Will you marry me?"

I felt the earth totally tilt beneath me for the second time in a week. But this was different. This was a warm, bright center glowing in my core.

Despite how happy it made me that he was so sure about our future and that he loved me that much, I couldn't say yes. I was enough like Renee without getting married at 18. Marriage and a baby were not really something I could handle at the moment. I wanted it, eventually. But I could really only focus on one life changing event at a time.

"Edward, I feel like my brain is going to explode."

"I know, it is a lot to take in. And it seems crazy but this is what you do. The girl you are in love with gets pregnant and this is what you do."

"That is sweet that you are getting all noble on me but just because that is what you do doesn't mean we have to. We have never been like anyone else," I pointed out.

He got up off the ground and motioned for me to scoot over and allow him to get in bed with me. I did quickly, not wanting to damage his ego any more then my rejection at his proposal had. I must not have hurt him too badly because he pulled me into the nook right away.

"Ok so getting married is a big crazy idea, but lets think about it this way ok? This is just my commitment to you that I am in it for the long haul. It is a promise that I am always going to be there for you. That one day way in the future we will get married, but we don't need to worry about that now."

"I like the way that sounds. Actually I like that a lot."

"Good. We will figure it all out Bella, I promise." We sat in silence for a while, thinking about our future and grappling with everything that happened recently.

"Can I see the ring?" I asked in an attempt to distract myself from the fact that I was horribly unprepared to have a child.

"It was my grandmothers, well Esme's mom's. I was always her favorite. It has been in the family forever. Apparently Mimi told Esme to give it to me when I wanted to settle down. And I know it isn't what you are used to so if you don't like it someday I will get you a new one."

My heart burst all over again. He was really serious. I couldn't believe it.

The ring looked old and delicate. There was a good-sized diamond in the center that was surrounded by tilted square stones. It looked like a flower. Or sun. It may have been the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

"You are gawking Bella, do you want to wear it?"

"Can I?" I loved it. It was unique and beautiful and perfect and I really wanted to wear it.

"You are ridiculous, of course you can. What do you think the whole down on one knee thing was all about?" I plucked the ring out of its box and slipped it on my left hand, pleased that it fit.

"I am just going to wear this for a while ok? Because you promised and such."

"Ok Bella, try and sleep now ok?" he asked as I turned off the light.

"I love you Edward," I murmured as I snuggled deeper into his chest and my eyes fluttered closed.

I let myself hope while I was with him that everything was going to be ok.


	13. Chapter 13

Now

BPOV

"Yes Charlie, I have the contracts in my hand as we speak," I said to my father as I rushed around my home office. "I will be there as soon as I can, ok?"

It was Friday morning and on top of the insane amount of work waiting for me at the office, I had to make sure Nessie had everything she could possibly need for the camping trip her class was leaving on right after school.

All this on days of very little sleep.

But the lack of rest was my own stupid fault. Well, and a little bit Edward Cullen's fault too.

Extreme confusion coupled with intense lust and overwhelming guilt did not make for restful nights

Since that earth shattering, mind blowing, life altering kiss earlier in the week, I had been a complete and total mess. Also the combination of joy and weird jealousy at my sister's baby announcement further fucked with my equilibrium.

All my lingering feelings for Edward were amplified, turned up to 11. I was driving myself crazy decoding what it meant. But I gave up all hope on us ever actually getting back together long ago, there was no use in wishing now.

Plus there was Jacob, big, sweet, crazy in love with me Jake. My best friend. My rock. I had committed the ultimate betrayal and confirmed his worst fears. My entire relationship was now tainted by my actions.

I lay in bed nightly, debating what to do. Edward had made no declarations of his feelings or shown any desire to be with me for real. It was just a physical reaction to being so close together. It was that same old electricity, nothing more.

Edward was not an option, so I ignored his phone calls.

Part of me wanted to tell Jake, to at least salvage the honesty aspect of our relationship. But part of the reason I wanted to tell him was to relinquish my own burden of guilt that sat like a weight on my chest. I did owe it to him to tell the truth, but I hadn't even heard from him since he left for Forks except for a single text telling me he arrived safely.

My reasons for not telling Jake about making out with Edward in my kitchen were remarkably unselfish. It would devastate him and I would do anything to spare him that pain. It would be one thing if it were a quick, innocent, emotionless kiss. Maybe Jake could overlook that, but he knew how I had always felt about Edward.

Jake would return home in two days and I had to figure everything out by then.

"MOM!" Nessie bellowed from the base of the staircase. "Have you seen my flashlight? I really need it."

"Dad," I said, cutting my father of mid rant. "I really have to go. Nessie needs me. Bye."

And with that I switched to Mom mode, finding the elusive flashlight and going over her list of necessities for a third time while making sure my super excited daughter actually ate something.

I was trying to get as much of Nessie's stuff and my own work supplies into my arms as possible when my phone rang again. Assuming it was Charlie again, I answered without taking in the caller.

"Hello?"

"Bella, bout time we are talking. Thanks for calling me," Jacob practically growled into the phone, further adding to my stress.

"Hi Jake, nice to hear from you too," I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "And may I point out that you haven't called me either."

"I thought you would call me, after letting me down and all," he snapped.

"Did you call me to fight Jake? Because I really don't have time right now." Nessie was motioning for me to hurry as I awkwardly made my way to the car.

"What, you don't have time for your boyfriend now? I just wanted to catch you before you went to work. I really do miss you Bella," he said, his tone softening slightly.

"I miss you too Jake," I said, trying to convince him and myself. "But I have a ton of work this morning and Nessie is going camping this weekend—"

"So camping is more important the spending 5 minutes on the phone with your boyfriend?" he asked, getting mad all over again.

"When it is my daughter doing the camping then yeah," I yelled back, glad Nessie was in the car now and couldn't hear the conversation. "God Jake, when are you going to get that Nessie comes first?"

"I am not having this fight again."

"Fine. We are done. See you when you get back." And with that I hung up, guilt momentarily replaced with rage.

I squeezed my eyes closed and rubbed my temples, preparing for what was sure to be a very long day.

~*~*~

By noon, I was sitting in on my third meeting, this one about projections and numbers and corporate bullshit that was constantly at odds with the artistic integrity I fought to preserve.

My focus on work started to waver and I just wanted to crawl into bed.

Just as the power point slide changed to another meaningless bar graph, my BlackBerry vibrated in my lap. I started at the message form Edward Cullen for a moment before I opened it, cursing the joy that surged through me at the sight of his name on my phone. It was the total opposite reaction to seeing my boyfriend's name.

_How can I show you my mastery of phone usage if you never answer yours? _

I stifled a giggle before replying.

_You are actively proving it. I am blown away that you even figured out how to type on those tiny buttons. _

His reply was instant. I glanced at my fellow executives, hiding my phone under the table feeling like I was in high school again, secretly texting during a dull lecture.

_Have I impressed you enough to convince you to get dinner with me tonight? _

I exhaled with pleasure. There was nothing I wanted more then to type yes in all caps with a thousand exclamation points behind it.

But I shouldn't. Just like I shouldn't want to go with him anywhere after the kitchen incident.

_That sounds way too much like a date…_

I bit my lip and stared down at my phone as I waited for a reply. I really wanted to be talked into saying yes.

_Naw, I plan on taking you to a dump with cheap beer, bad music, and greasy food you eat with your hands. Zero romance. I might even let you pay…_

I paused for a moment before furiously typing, sending my words into cyber space without giving myself a chance to change my mind.

_Fine. You can pick me up at 8:00. _

Again, the response was almost immediate.

_Great. It's a date. _

I rolled my eyes at my phone while I continued to work out what the hell he was trying to do to me.

~*~*~

EPOV

I resigned myself to the fact that Bella wasn't going to text me back after my date comment. It was a pity. Sparing with her via text was one of my favorite activities.

But then again I was shocked that she even responded at all, what with her completely fucking ignoring me for the last few days.

I probably went about the whole attacking her in the kitchen thing all wrong. I should have said something, let her know that I loved her, that I missed her, that I wanted to be back in her life.

But the moment didn't present itself and I spent the next few days trying to create the perfect time to tell her how I felt

Only now that she agreed, I didn't know what this perfect moment would entail. Where should I take her? Maybe I should take her to The Factor, where the end began. Or maybe we would just go to our spot on the beach.

I was really over thinking all this. I should just let Bella decide.

The ringing of my cell in my pocket interrupted my musings. I was wary of the unknown number, but there was an outside chance that it was Bella calling me from work or somewhere so I answered.

"Hello?"

"Mr. Cullen?" said the unknown voice from the unknown number.

"Yea?"

"This is Mrs. Duffy, Vanessa's teacher at Fairfax?"

My whole body tensed as I contrived the worst possible scenarios in my head.

"Is she ok? Is everything alright?" I asked, panicked.

"Oh, yes sir. She is fine. There has just been an incident involving the incest life we keep in our classroom. Disciplinary action is required and I would like to meet with you in person before the class departs for the camping trip."

I laughed out loud before attempting to hide my amusement in a fake cough.

"So Nessie is in trouble?" I clarified. My daughter had never been in trouble in school before, all her teachers loved her and she never got anything less then an A.

"Yes," said the bitchy Mrs. Duffy in a cold voice. "I am afraid that she might not be able to attend the camping trip."

This lady was really starting to piss me off. Nessie had been looking forward to this trip since the beginning of the school year and she wouldn't be denied because of some fucking bug incident.

Half an hour later, I met an annoyed looking Bella in the parking lot.

"I am assuming you got the same bullshit phone call I did," she said as we walked up the front steps.

"Yup. I mean, bug incident? What is the worst she could have done? It is not like she would squish the thing to death or something."

"She let them go. I will bet you anything that she felt bad for them and set them free," Bella said, smiling fondly at thought of our daughter's big heart.

"That does sound like our girl," I said placing a hand on the small of Bella's back because I couldn't not touch her any longer.

We rounded the corner to see a distraught Nessie sitting in a chair outside the classroom while her peers partook in recess outside. The sight of her hunched shoulders made me want to rip someone's throat out.

At the sound of out feet on the tile, her head shot up and she flew out of her chair, almost knocking Bella and I down with the force of the collision as she wrapped an arm around both of our waists.

With big, wet eyes clouded with misery she stared up at us, effectively breaking my heart.

"Mom! Dad! I didn't mean to do anything wrong!" she wailed. "But Mrs. Duffy said that we wouldn't be letting the butterflies go into their natural habitat! Or the moths. And I couldn't just let them stay in that little cage, so I let them go."

She was getting hysterical and crying again, hiccupping between words.

"But I didn't know! They were flying everywhere, not out the window I… hic… opened. Then one landed in Cindy Lawrence's hair and she screamed and then everyone was… hic… screaming and running around the room. And Max Crawford killed a moth with his hands and it was just… hic t—terr—TERRIBLE! Now I cant even go camping. Mrs. Duffy hates me."

Bella dropped to her knees to properly hug our daughter while I kept a hand in her hair. Nessie's loony teacher materialized outside the office entry.

I glanced back down at my bawling daughter and resolved to make this right.

Bella and I were hustled into the classroom where we sat across from Mrs. Duffy with the desk in between us.

She went into detail on the great escape and its consequences, wildly waving as she tried to make us understand how horrible this was.

What a drama queen.

"Your daughter's blatant disrespect for my instruction put the safety of the whole class in jeopardy and as such, I don't feel comfortable taking her on this trip," Mrs. Duffy said, concluding her spiel.

I was about to open my mouth and show her my own fucking version of blatant disrespect when Bella put a hand on my thigh, telling me to be silent.

"Do you really think this is necessary?" Bella said in a cold, business like tone I barely recognized. "This is the first time Nessie has done anything like this and I know that it had nothing to do with disrespect. She won't be a problem on the trip. Missing it would crush her. And I am all for sitting her down and explaining what she did wrong, even giving her some sort of punishment to make up for it, but not going on the trip? It seems too severe."

I admired Bella for trying to be civil with this lunatic. I wanted to throttle her.

"I am sorry Ms. Swan, but I can't take that chance." Her many chins flapped back and fortieth as she shook her head no. Goddamn she was terrifying. She was the safety hazard, with her massive girth and control freak attitude.

"Listen, this was the innocent act of a young girl who was just trying to help some bugs. And I can't have my daughter being taught at a school that would interpret that as something sinister or intentionally disrespectful."

"And when Nessie goes, so do the sizable contributions we make to the school," I added, glaring at this insipid women.

Tough negotiations and several less thinly veiled threats later, and an accord was struck. Nessie would attend the camping trip. She would also be helping catalog books in the library after school for the next week.

She would probably enjoy her punishment too, the way she loved book as much as her mother.

We rose to tell Nessie the good news and smiled at each other. We did this together for our daughter. We were a team and I planned to celebrate our first victory as such.

There were hugs, kisses, and 'I love you's" as Bella and I said goodbye to our daughter. I was oddly upset to see her go. This was her first overnight so far away from one of us. She was growing up way to fucking fast and her departure made me all nostalgic.

At least I didn't cry like Bella.

"Do you have to go back to work?" I asked Bella after we were back in the parking lot watching Nessie's bus disappear from sight. She leaned against her car, facing me with her arms crossed as she bit her lower lip.

"I should. But I really, really, really don't want to."

"I know someone who will help you disappear for the day…"

She looked so adorably torn, furrowing her brow and glancing between her car and me.

"And how exactly are you going to do that?"

I gulped, thinking about the many ways I would like to distract her for the afternoon. But she probably wouldn't respond well to me expressing a desire to bend her over the arm of my couch.

"I am thinking the basics, going to the beach, surfing, then arguing about music over cheap take out."

"I could work another 6 hours today…"

"Come on Bella, it is already three. When was the last time you took a day off?" I asked, forcing myself to keep my hands in my pockets instead of touching her. I couldn't go scaring her off.

She rolled her eyes, before looking up at me shyly and quickly nodding.

"Excellent!"

I hustled her into my car before she had a chance to change her mind.

~*~*~

BPOV

"Andrew Bird."

"Love him. Bon Iver?"

"Love it. Rilo Kiley?"

"Sutio chick rock. That's weak sauce Bella."

"But Jenny Lewis can sing."

"Fuck yes she can sing. Still weak sauce thought"

I rolled my eyes at Edward, amazed that we could slip back into old habits so easily. We were sitting on the floor on either side of the coffee table in Edward's gorgeous house, eating Indian food and re-accessing each other's musical tastes.

"You know," I said, brandishing a forkful of charna. "People could be sitting around right now, arguing about Vampire Sunrise."

"I really hope no one ever puts me in the suito chick rock category."

"There is definitely no suito-ness involved with your music. It is the real deal Edward."

"Thanks," he said smiling.

We slipped into a now familiar trance, staring at each other before Edward looked away.

"What the hell are we doing? Here, hand me that remote," he said suddenly, pointing to the fancy looking device that sat next to my stack of nan. "I can't believe we are sitting here in silence."

He pushed a couple buttons and the stereo sang to life with none other then Edward himself, a Vampire Sunrise song from their second album.

Edward grimaced at the selection. I beamed with approval.

"Sorry, everything is on shuffle."

"Don't be sorry," I laughed at how embarrassed he seemed as he fumbled with the remote. "I like this song."

"That's nice, but we really don't need to listen to this."

I leapt up and grabbed the remote from him, standing on the couch and holding it over my head as he tried to snatch it back.

"Bella this is ridiculous," he huffed in frustration. "What kind of egotistical maniac listens to themselves like this? It is weird."

I laughed again, which was even weirder. I hardly ever laughed.

It was like this whole afternoon had totally transformed me into a different person. I turned off my phone, knowing it would piss off Charlie and a multitude of other people but choosing not to care. For once I didn't let myself worry about work or Jake or anything. Being with Edward was intoxicating. I felt light and carefree. Mostly I just felt happier then I had in a very long time.

So when that song came on and I felt the urge to dance like I used too, I gave into the whim. I sang his words at the top of my lungs and threw my arms above my head, swaying my hips as I pranced around on his couch.

"Dance with me Edward!" I requested as I jumped down and continued to dance in front of his as I yanked on his arm.

He bitched and moaned at first, but his crooked grin and gleaming eyes told me he was secretly thrilled that I was enjoying his music so much.

I probably should have been embarrassed that my obsession with him was now obvious, but I was having far too much fun.

We jumped around the living room, generally trying to out dance each other and looking like a couple of idiots. There were no pretenses here with Edward, no need to try be sexy.

I knew from years of experience that he always found me sexy.

The song ended with Edward doing some sort of Elvis interpretation with his legs flailing that had me doubled over in laughter, wiping the tears from my eyes.

At age 19, between losing Edward, working crazy long hours, and figuring out how to be a mom, my youth was over. Since then, I had felt like I was at least 50. But being with Edward made me feel young again. It reminded me that I was 28 and that I had to stop taking myself so seriously.

"Bella, this move is a crowd pleaser, a real knock out with the girls," he said as he continued his bizarre little dance toward me. "I am a little offended that you find it so funny."

He put his hands on my hips and tired to get me to join his jerky little dance, causing me to burst out laughing all over again. I knew he was joking but the more I laughed the more ridiculous he became causing me to laugh even harder.

This vicious cycle ended when the next song came on. The delicate banjo and soft, sweet voice of Sufjan Stevens filled the room. _For the Widows In Paradise, for the Fatherless In Ypsilanti _was one of my favorite songs, pulling at my heartstrings with its urgency and sadness.

I was thrilled that it was on his iPod at all. I liked to think his appreciation for something so soft and mellow was my influence. Though I was a bit sad that our impromptu dance contest was over.

It was then that I noticed we were standing about 2 inches apart. All I had to do was stand on my tiptoes to bring our lips together. My eyes couldn't figure out which part of his face to stare at, flickering between his green eyes and his perfect lips.

"_I'll do anything for you, I'll do anything for you," _sang Sufjan_. _

Edward cleared his throat and held out his palm to me, looking embarrassed as he silently asked me to dance.

I smiled and blushed as I accepted, placing my hand in his while putting my arm around his back and my head on his shoulder. He brought our joined ands to his chest and pulled me close with a hand at the small of my back.

_I'll do anything for you, I'll do anything for you…_

Every part of me was buzzing with anticipation. The quite, earnest song inexplicably turned would-be peaceful swaying into sexually charged foreplay.

It would be so easy to give in, to do what I wanted for once. One touch of my lips to Edward's neck and the electricity would take over.

All I had to do was tilt my head.

It is not like I ever had any choice at all. It was always Edward. And the second I agreed to spend the afternoon with him I knew what would happen. Shit, part of me always knew we would end up back here.

So I gave in to the desire that was overriding every other thought and feeling in my body.

I pressed my lips to the one spot where his neck met his shoulder that was sure to drive him crazy, letting my teeth graze his sensitive skin. His swaying abruptly stopped and his arms tightened around me. The shutter that ran through the length of his body emboldened me so I pulled back to look into his eyes. His shock and desire was apparent on his face as well as the hardness pressing into my belly.

Unable to control myself any longer but still feeling oddly shy and unsure of myself, I kissed him quickly, shivering at the contact before pulling back. We looked at each other for another moment before he leaned down, kissing me again. Just as I did, he pulled back, looking at me warily like I would run away again like I did it the kitchen.

I am not sure who kissed who next, but then we were attacking each other.

His hands were in my hair, holding me to him like he was afraid I would disappear. My hands fumbled with his belt as we some how made our way to the couch.

Edward sat just after his pants feel to his ankles and I straddled his lap. My pencil skirt bunched around my hips as I rubbed against him, frustrated by the layers of fabric that separated us.

With one hand left in my hair, he made quick work of my shirt and bra before he warped an arm around my waist, pulling me flush with his body.

"Bella," he groaned, grazing my cheek with his thumb as he caught me in his intense stare that caused me to falter with the buttons I was trying to undo on his shirt. God they were green. "Are you sure?"

It was a simple question with a simple answer.

I kissed him again, rolling my hips against him inciting a moan from both of us.

"Edward," I breathed, reveling in the sound of his name on my lips. "Please."

His hand snaked between my thighs before ripping my underwear completely off my body with a growl.

I squeaked in surprise. That was certainly new.

And hot.

New levels of heat coiled in my body and before I even had time to recover from the shock, Edward had somehow rid himself of his boxers and was pushing inside me.

I had to pause for a moment after bringing all of him inside me completely, adjusting to the sensation of feeling whole again. It was wonderful and beautiful and I was amazed I was able to live so long with out this, without Edward.

I opened my eyes to find Edward staring intently at me. We continued to look at each other for a moment before he kissed me again and we started to move together.

Mind blowing, toe curling pleasure, back arching pleasure rippled through me and it wasn't long before we were coming together in a symphony of sound unique to Edward and I.

I collapsed forward, resting my head in the crook of his neck, hiding my huge smile form him. His arms remained around me as our breathing slowed and we stayed as we were, sitting in silence.

Eventually, the breeze from the air conditioner on my moist back caused me to shiver.

"Cold?" croaked Edward, opening his mouth for the first time in a long time.

"I am perfect," I replied, kissing his chest as I tired to hide another shiver from him.

I never wanted to move, but I quickly realized I would have to. This wasn't reality; it was a fantasy life that I almost had once.

This thought spurred the tears, silent ones at first that slide unnoticed down my cheeks but they steadily gained momentum until I was in full blow hysterics.

I cried for the life we could have had and the mistakes I made. I cried for the love I felt for this man that had turned unhealthy and toxic somewhere along the line. I cried because he didn't love me anymore, because he moved on with such ease after I abandoned him. I cried because this was a wonderful mistake that would only make things harder when I went back to real life. I cried because this would hurt Jake. I cried because I wanted so much more then Edward would give me. I cried because my selfishness hurt the people I loved the most.

When the sobs really started flowing, Edward pulled back, alarmed at my sudden mood swing. I could see him start to retreat, worrying that he did something wrong. But I clung to his neck instead and shook my head, pleading with him to stay with me.

He lifted me effortlessly, tying to sooth me and calling me sunshine as he carried me to the bedroom. Pulling the covers back on his made bed, he gently tucked me into the warm and familiar depths. As he helped me out of my hopelessly wrinkled skirt, I felt my eyes begin to drift closed. Suddenly I was so exhausted.

"Don't leave me," I murmured as I began to doze.

"Never," he replied as he wrapped his body around mine.

"I love you Isabella," he said a short while later. Except I had already fallen asleep at that point so I was pretty sure I had dreamed that part.

~*~*~

EPOV

Even after all these year, Bella just kept surprising me. She had been doing it perpetually since we met and today was no exception.

First, she went in the ocean with me. I was shocked that she would don a bikini around me after I mauled her in the kitchen.

Next, she actually fucking agreed to come back to my house instead of insisting that we go to a public restaurant where the chances of a repeat mauling performance were cut down by the annoying presence of the general public.

Then she fucking knew every word to my song, a song written long after we broke up that just happened to be about her.

There are not even words to describe the remarkable thing that happened next. She literally stuck me speechless when she kissed my neck.

And I used to be so good with words.

After, when I thought she was finally done surprising me, she wouldn't let me go through all her tears that I surely caused. Here I was, attacking her again, making her cheat on her boyfriend, without giving her any words of love or promises for the future. Not that I wasn't planning on telling her everything, but when she started dancing on that couch I lost all coherency.

I really fucking hated it when she cried. I didn't know exactly what caused it and I was helpless to calm her down until she fell asleep to quickly to hear my rushed declaration of love.

I pulled her tighter to my chest as I felt my own eyes begin to fall shut. I shook my head, hoping that this was just a cat nap and that Bella would wake up any second so I could finally fucking talk to her.

Given the chance I knew she would be off like a rocket, running away as fast as her adorable feet would take her.

I endured for several more minutes before conceding to the fact that sleep was inevitable. Suddenly inspired, I pulled away from my beloved. She rolled onto her back as she whimpered and mumbled my name at the loss of contact.

I loved sleep-talking Bella, but right now I was on a mission.

I crawled over her and lay down practically on top of her, my legs between hers, my arms warped around her waist, my head pillowed to the side of her stomach.

There, lets she her get away from me now.

Sure enough, minutes or hours or seconds later, it was difficult to be sure because I had no fucking clue how long I had slept, I was awoken by Bella's attempt to escape.

I smirked at her, pleased that my plan had worked.

I knew I needed to talk to her, but our body parts were lined up so nicely that I couldn't resist kissing her. I know I shouldn't have being as the last time I did so the result was her hysterical crying but Bella wasn't stopping me about I just couldn't help reverting to a horny teenager around her.

But my intended quick peck quickly transformed into something more passionate.

Though equally as adoring as our previous kisses, this was slow, lingering. I poured everything I had wanted to say to her for eight fucking years into that kiss and I was fucking concerned that I would be the one balling by the end this time.

I made love to her equally as slowing, forcing myself to take my time and make her feel everything I was, to show her that I loved her even though I hadn't gotten around to telling her this time.

The beautiful wail she let out as she came was a pretty good indication that I accomplished my mission. We clung to each other, both shaking from the physical intensity and deep emotion.

The last thing I saw before I fell back asleep was Bella's beautiful brown eyes, to tired to even think about her running away.

At some point I though I heard her whisper 'I love you', but I must have dreamed it because I was long past wakefulness.

~*~*~

BPOV

I was only able to lie to myself so much.

When I woke up and realized that everything that had happened with Edward was not actually dream, I had every intention of getting the fuck out of there and pretending this whole night never happened.

It was a mistake. I couldn't do the casual, physical thing with Edward and I couldn't hurt Jake.

I had every intention of living by the idea that if you don't talk about it, it didn't happen. I wouldn't tell Jake, I wouldn't do anything, and it would be like it never happened.

But then he smiled at me and touched me so tenderly, it just about broke my heart.

I wasn't going anywhere and all the events of the day most definitely did happen. I didn't know what I was going to do about it, but I couldn't just leave.

Needing a little distance even so, I slipped out of bed when Edward fell back to sleep. I couldn't resist whispering my love for him as he lay there so peacefully. I kissed his forehead and wrapped a sheet around my body before I walked past the family room, the dinning room, and the kitchen to the music room at the end of the hall.

I sat at the piano and lovingly ran my hands over the keys, imagining Edward doing the same before writing countless songs over the years. He once told me that the guitar had his brain, challenging him, but the piano had his heart just like I did.

In the years since my departure, I would sit at pianos just to feel closer to him. It was the one girly, needy, pathetic thing I allowed myself to do. Sometimes I could even feel this hands on mine, guiding my fingers over the keys.

My hands played on their own accord without me paying much attention to what I was doing just as I stared off into space without really seeing what I was right in front of me.

I was so confused, so wrapped up in my own head,

All I knew was that this wasn't going to end well.

Though I knew Edward still cared about me and that he always would on some level, we had too much history to ever lose all feeling for me. But he hadn't spent years pining for me like I had him, his well-documented sexcapades made that obvious.

Maybe it was just a pleasant trip down memory lane for him, or some sort of challenge.

"Is that the Battle Hymn of the Republic?"

I jump at the sound of his voice, bumping my knee on the underside of the piano in the process.

"Uh… yea, I guess it is," I replied extremely flustered. Edward shouldn't sneak up on people naked. It was enough to send one into convulsions.

"I thought you left," he mumbled, running his fingers through his hair. "Even after… I just thought you ran away."

"Nope, still here." Right, because that wasn't obvious.

"Bella," he said sitting next to me on the piano bench. I looked down at the keys, not able to look at him naked without tuning into some sort of sex fiend. "Are you ok?"

I glanced at his face then, confused at his question after several rounds of the best sex of my life.

"The crying?"

"Ah…" I had forgotten about the crying. "I am great Edward," I assured him, resting my head on my shoulder. Later, when I had to go back to real life I probably wouldn't be great or even ok but for now, sitting here with him, I was wonderful.

He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close.

"Sunshine," he said, making me smile. "I am so glad you are here. I—"

Edward stopped talking abruptly. Probably because I slapped a hand over his mouth.

It sounded like he was winding himself up for some pre prepared speech and I couldn't hear it. I didn't want the bubble to burst yet. I was positive that he was about to give me the 'it has been great and it had been fun, but that is it" spiel.

I liked my fantasy world and planned on continuing to live in it. Only for the night, anyway.

"Please don't Edward. No talking tonight ok?" His eyes narrowed and I cautiously removed my hand, ready to forcefully cover his mouth again if I had too.

"But, Bella, there is some stuff I really want to tell you." His shoulders slumped and he looked disappointed.

"Everything you want to say can wait till the morning, ok? I am really not going anywhere," I said, trying to figure out if that was even what he wanted.

"You're not? You'll stay?" he said, perking up and beaming at me.

I nodded and blushed, somehow embarrassed by his desire to be with me.

"I'll stay."

~*~*~

EPOV

"What is that?" Bella asked as she poked at a tattoo on my back. I grinned at her and nibbled on her ear, causing her to giggle. Bella was exploring my tattoos, driving me crazy as she did so. I was lying on my stomach while Bella was propped up on one elbow next to me with our legs tangled together under the comforter.

Amazingly, I wanted to touch her again. The fact that were we both still conscious was a fucking miracle in itself.

After it became clear that Bella would allow no big, life changing declarations of love tonight, she showed me an excellent alternative to talking.

Still reeling from her promise to stay with me, she climbed up to sit in front of me on the top of my piano. Her heels caused clanking on the instrument as she steadied herself. She whipped the sheet off her body like she was unveiling some fabulous work of art, which she was, and dropped it to the side of the piano. Bella continued to look at me shyly from underneath her long eyelashes, creating a beautiful contrast to her sexy goddess actions. I gulped as she spread her legs, right there at mouth level. Convenient.

Fucking Bella on a piano was my all time fantasy.

After a quick catnap on the floor wrapped together in that sheet, we wandered back to the bedroom. We were sidetracked by the kitchen table that was a lovely flat surface, the pool where a quick game of Marco Polo ended in mutual satisfaction, the couch in my living room where I lived my bending Bella over fantasy from earlier in the day, and then the shower before we both collapsed into bed.

Instead of falling asleep immediately like I assumed she would (I myself was way to wired by Bella's presence to ever sleep again) she began studying me in that overly perspective way she had.

"It's a tattoo, sunshine," I said automatically, too busy visually absorbing her to pay attention to what she was saying.

"Edward you have a tramp stamp."

Oh shit, I forgot about that particular piece of body art. I had told her about the gnarled tree on my side, the wave the flowed from my back over my shoulder and into the elaborate sleeve on my right arm, the muscle bands that morphed into a robot looking thing on my left, and the cluster of sunflowers on my hip. She said she was sad that she wasn't around when they were new.

This one, I really didn't want to explain.

"That is the cheesiest looking thing I have ever seen," she commented. "Holy shit, does that say my name?"

I rolled over, trying to remove it from her view but she wouldn't let me.

"Edward, you have a cliché looking heart with my name wrapped around it on your lower back!"

It was probably time to say something, she was working herself into a tizzy.

"I was… Well… Um… the thing about that particular tattoo is that I don't actually remember getting it."

"Ah."

"I was very drunk at the time, but according to Sam I found the whole experience very funny."

She closed her eyes and was silent for so long that I would have thought she was asleep if it wasn't for her fingers tracing her name on my body.

"I am proud of you, you know. Sorry I never told you that," she whispered, moving her lips against my arm as she spoke.

"For what? Covering myself in ink? Half of which I don't even remember?"

"No, though I must say I like the way your ink looks," she sighed with her head still burrowed against my arm. Bella sounded like her was on the verge of sleep and continued to mumble. "You are sober, you are a good father, you have everything you ever wanted, my rockstar…"

"Bella, you are everything I ever wanted."

Fuck her fucking talk embargo. It was practically dawn anyway and she said we could talk tomorrow.

Except Bella wasn't talking.

"Bella?" I moved away from her to look at her.

She had fallen asleep.

I sighed and pulled the blanket fully over both of us, content that she was really here, that in the morning I would tell her everything, and she would be mine again. Just as it always should be.


	14. Chapter 14

Then—

BPOV

"I don't want to do this. I really, really, don't want to do this," I said as we stood side by side, shoulder to shoulder in the school parking lot, no where near ready to face our first day back.

"Worst. Semester. Ever," Edward agreed as he crossed his arms over his chest and scowled behind his Ray-Bans.

"Well at least it's not a whole year right?" I said, winding my arm through his elbow.

Last week during registration, Edward and I had met with counselors to figure out if we could graduate early. We both had to take online courses, but would get our diplomas in December. The prospect of senior year had always depressed me, what with the graduation of practically everyone we cared about, but now that I was pregnant the thought of being here any longer then necessary was absolutely unbearable.

Most things that stressed me about the whole situation had nothing to do with actually having a baby. My brain hadn't gotten far enough to see that. All I could think about was telling people and getting huge.

Edward said I shouldn't worry about what other people thought, but their judgment mattered. Charlie was going to be so disappointed. Renee was going to be pissed that I repeated her 'mistakes'. Jessica and Lauren would be so fake supportive and then share the gossip with the rest of our peers. Rosalie would probably laugh.

All I wanted to do was be alone with Edward.

"Hey Bella, damn you look good this year," Tyler called across the parking lot as he walked toward the school with Mike who nodded in agreement.

I ignored them but Edward growled and clenched his jaw. I put a hand on his chest and felt the rigidity in his whole body. He was wound so tight, I was sure that if Tyler and Mike had been a little closer, he would have completely lost it.

"Edward, it is only one more semester, 4 months. And then we never have to see any of them again."

"Promise?" he asked, resting his forehead on mine and closing his eyes.

I nodded and gave him a quick kiss.

"I love you," he said while I tried to convince myself that everything was going to be ok.

I almost believed it when I was with him, but during the rare time I was forced to separate from Edward I would panic all over again. Luckily, there was only one class period we didn't have together and I had it with Angela who already knew.

Edward and I decided to give it till the weekend to fill my parents in. We needed some time to get used to the idea, to grapple with all the consequences of this huge thing, before we shared the news. Carlisle and Esme knew, of course, and we had talked about the whole thing with them. They were supportive and wonderful and just about perfect.

I had no illusions that Charlie and Renee would be the same.

School was just as bad as I thought it would be. At lunch Edward and I were bombarded with the entire popular crowd who all decided to join us in our secluded corner of campus on the lawn. I was surprised that Lauren was willing to soil her outfit by sitting on the grass, but they seemed desperate to catch up. I had only seen Jessica a handful of times over the summer and avoided everyone else besides Angela.

"Bella where were you all summer? I didn't see you at a single party," Lauren commented in her stupid, sugary voice. How did I ever put up with her before?

"Yea, did Edward here keep you all locked up?" Tyler said, elbowing Edward playfully and waggling his eyebrows suggestively despite the death glare Edward was giving. Mike started choking on his sandwich but everyone ignored him.

"I was just busy," I said, rubbing Edwards back in an attempt to sooth him. "How have you all been? What did I miss?"

This got them all talking, getting us out of the spot light. Edward rolled his eyes at me and I mouthed 4 months to him, earning me a quick grin.

Edward was doing a lot less grinning these days and it added to my mounting list of things to worry about. He had been so strong even when I was a mess. He was so steady and sure I sometimes wondered what emotions he was hiding. He had to be just as scared and worried as I was. I knew at some point I had to talk to him about it, but I needed him to continue being the rock for now.

"So Edward," Jessica said, rounding on him from her seat next to Mike. "I heard that you are in a band. Like, a really good band." She was using her flirty voice, leaning across the circle to touch his arm, and flipping her hair.

Goddamn, I hated flirty Jess. If only I could permanently disconnect that hand from her arm, then she could never use it to touch Edward again.

I made eye contact with Angela who shook her head, silently expressing her disapproval.

"Ummm…" Lauren moaned, "Guys in bands are sooo hot." She sat there, sticking her chest out and licking her lips.

Could she look more like a whore?

I was moments away from a complete freak out but Edward put an arm around my shoulders and breathed '4 months' into my ear.

We started going off campus for lunch after that.

I both welcomed and dreaded the weekend. Sunday, Charlie was going to be back from his latest business trip and a family lunch was already planned. I was going to tell him after, when we all got home.

I felt queasy at the thought.

But at least we would get two whole days out of this hellhole.

On Friday, when the first week of torture was finally done, Edward went with Jasper to the record store where Jazz worked and came back with a part time job.

"We need to start saving. And my share from the bands profits isn't going to cover having a kid, they are expensive," he explained as he modeled his new nametag for me.

The first couple times he mentioned our future child, I had to fight to not pass out. But I was getting better. Every time we talked about it, the baby was starting to take shape in my head, changing from an allusive idea to a real thing.

"This is true. Though we really don't need to worry about money. My trust fund kicks in when I graduate, making me richer then God," I said as I continued to read my worn copy of Wuthering Heights on my bed.

I was so distracted by one of my favorite books that it took me a minute to realize that Edward was glaring at me.

"What?" I asked, confused.

He opened and closed his mouth several times, as if he was choosing his words very carefully.

"That is not happening," he finally said quietly, starting to pace back and forth across the foot of my bed.

"What?" I asked again.

"We are not taking Charlie's money, we can do this on our own."

I was silent for a minute as I tried to figure out just what the hell he was talking about.

"What?' I said for a third time, it was all I could come up with.

He sighed heavily before sitting crossed legged right in front of me.

"Listen, all my life I have lived off other people's money. People have supported me, even though I wasn't their responsibility,"

"They are your family Edward," I interrupted.

"It took me a long time to see things like that. And I do now, but this need to take responsibility is the same. I want… I NEED to support this baby. I take care of what's mine."

"Edward, do you really think we can do this on our own? It would be so much easier—" I tried again.

"I can't, I can't take someone else's money to support this family."

"Family?" I squeaked.

"Well… yea… I mean, I just figured that is what we are now. Family," he mumbled looking embarrassed. He was so adorable and earnest and sweet as he further solidified an image of the future in my head. I wanted it, a family with Edward.

It was making me hot.

So I cut off his heartfelt rant with a kiss, showing him just how much I wanted that with him. Family.

I pulled him on top of me, and he seemed content to just kiss me, hands barely touching me. They came to rest lightly on my stomach, sighing as he did so.

It had been so long for us. Things had been crazy in the two weeks since he got back from the tour. He was tender and sweet and constantly reassuring me of his love, but was so careful with the physical side of things.

It was like he was worried he could get me more pregnant. His feather light touch was driving me insane. I could feel him pressed into my thigh, but he seemed to make no move to take things further.

I arched off the bed, silently begging him but he remained unresponsive. After a few more minutes of this I finally pushed him off my body and growled in frustration, kicking my feet and covering my face with my hands, basically having a temper tantrum worthy of a two year old.

"Bella, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to rush you or anything, we can take things slower," he said, totally misinterpreting my actions.

This made me so mad, I kicked him with enough force that he fell off the bed, landing on the floor with an 'oof'.

"What the fuck?" he asked as he rose, rubbing his forehead.

"SLOWER?? How could you possibly go slower? Do you have any idea how long it has been? We haven't had sex since our naked weekend months ago!" I howled, still tempter tantrum-ing.

"You mean you want to?"

"Of course I want to, you idiot! I want to be as close to you as possible," I grumbled covering my head with my pillow in an attempt to calm down.

"Really? Cause I thought you would be wary of the whole sex thing seeing as the last time we did it, you got pregnant," he said. I could feel the bed move as he crawled toward me.

"That makes no sense. What bad could possibly come from it? I need you Edward." I was still hiding under my pillows when suddenly my skirt and underwear were yanked off my body and replaced with his hot mouth.

It was primal and desperate and wonderful and needy and I came right away.

And then again.

And again.

He was just what I needed. I was totally focused on how good he made me feel, momentarily forgetting everything bad or scary.

~*~*~

EPOV

"Edward, we are going to be parents."

It was a whisper in my ear that gave me the shivers. Her thought reflected mine. And I worked on breathing evenly.

For the last few weeks, I had been putting up a brave front for Bella. I sensed that she was on the brink of completely freaking out and we couldn't both be freaking out.

I had tried to avoid the whole sex thing, as much as I needed her, because I thought it would just remind her of what was causing her all this stress.

I was also a fucking idiot, but it was good to know that she needed me as much as I needed her.

Sex seemed to make her happier, but I knew her blissed-out state wouldn't last.

Hopefully she would get better after Charlie knew. Bella was never very good at lying.

And as usual, the thought of our baby made me all panicky, something I was getting good at hiding from Bella with a few well time cocktails. I was terrified of being a father, but some sick, fucked up part of me liked the idea that something concrete would tie Bella and I together forever, not matter what happened in the future.

Any day now I would wake up and actually be able to picture it. Bella and I, and a baby, we would be a family.

I pointed this out to Bella. She really seemed to like the idea. A lot. Which was good because I sounded so goddamn cheesy saying it.

"I have never really thought about it that way, of us being a family. That makes things better doesn't it?" she pointed out as she cuddled into my chest. Naked.

Just the way I liked her.

"I got lucky Bella, with the Cullens. They are my family, but I have never felt like I 100% belonged there. But with you, this is it. You are where I am supposed to be Bella and this makes it real somehow," I said, placing a hand over her flat belly. "Both of our families are kinda screwy."

"Indeed they are," she nodded, putting her hand over mine and smiling at me.

"So now we are going to be each other's family, and maybe we can actually to it right," I whispered. And of course she started crying, she had barely stopped in the last few weeks. "Aw, Bella. Is this crying thing going to last for your whole pregnancy? Because I don't think I can handle it." Her tears usually made me feel like slime, but I was getting better at determining what kind of tears they were. Mad, sad, happy.

I was secretly pleased that the conversation had touched her. It was important to me that she understood where I was coming from with this whole baby thing.

"If you would stop saying such amazing, sweet things I would stop crying."

"Oh now, you have done it. "

"Done what?" she asked, sitting up and vigorously wiping away her tears with the back of her hands.

"Gone and called me sweet."

"You are sweet, my lovely rockstar."

"Guys don't want to be called sweet, we want to be manly, and tough."

She had the nerve to giggle and roll away.

"Now I am just going to have to prove my masculinity to you," I said as I snagged her ankle and pulled her back underneath me. Always willing to play along, she shrieked and put up an unconvincing struggle.

"You get off me right this minute Edward Cullen, your ridiculous macho-ness will not be tolerated." I pinned her wrists above her head with one hand and used the other to get reacquainted with her body, it had been far too fucking long. I don't know what I was thinking, denying us both this comfort and happiness.

"Oh you aren't going to tolerate it sunshine, you are going to enjoy it." Her snappy retort was cut off as my hand moved lower.

But just when we were getting to the good stuff, her goddamn phone went off. As usual.

Bella's phone was always going off. She was either getting texts or phone calls, from the Groupies or her sister or from her mother or Charlie or Angela.

"Don't get it," I suggested. I vaguely recognized the Rancid song playing from the phone.

"I have to, it is Alice and she will worry." Begrudgingly, I rolled off of my beloved and resisted the urge to whack my face against the headboard in frustration.

"Hey Alice, look I am pretty busy," Bella said as I kissed her neck. She wasn't to enthusiastic about the interruption either.

"Where are you? At home, yes. We are all hanging out tonight at Jaspers. It is mandatory," I heard Alice yell from the other end of the line. Why did Bella always have to volume turned up so loud? Not that I was complaining, I liked hearing what was going on.

"Alice now that you are in college shouldn't you be hanging out with cool, trendy people, not us lowly high schoolers?"

"Pa-chya," the pixie replied dismissively. "I knew you would be difficult. That is why I am parking in the driveway right now to pull you out of your little love nest. You are supposed to be living a normal life, so we are having a normal Friday night."

"Do Emmett and Rose know?" she asked, her breath hitching as I nibbled on her earlobe.

"Nope, feel free to tell them tonight. So I am walking up the front steps…"

Bella groaned and pushed at my shoulder.

I sighed, got out of bed and began to get dressed. Goddamn Alice.

"Seriously Alice?"

"Yup, and I have no qualms what so ever about bursting in on the two of you naked." And with that she hung up the phone.

Bella didn't embrace my calm, cool approach however. In an attempt to get dressed fast, she got tangled in the sheets and promptly fell off the bed.

"I swear Bella, we are getting our own place as quickly as possible. With a motherfucking dead bolt on the goddamn front door," I grumbled, not wanting to leave Bella's bed. Ever.

"Where is my shirt?" She said, frantic now that we heard Alice's foot steps on the stairs. I saved the day however by pulling on my own pants and pulling my shirt over her seconds before Alice knocked on the door and entered.

"Hello folks. I have missed you both so much," she said as she pranced over to give us each a hug.

"Ali, you act like you went across the country for school, not the city," I laughed. "We saw you last weekend."

She smiled at me sweetly but didn't respond, instead she held out a stack of folded clothes for each of us.

"What is this for?" Bella asked.

"Outfits for tonight. It is a dinner party so specific attire is required. And don't worry, it is nothing too fancy, but Edward, you do have to wear a button up. Well, you have ten minutes to come downstairs and then we will be on our way. Bella you should really clean yourself up a bit. You have feathers in your hair." And with that she departed before Bella's blush fully developed.

"Feathers? Feathers! How the hell did this happen?"

"It is a mystery," I grumbled as I examined the torture devices Alice was making me wear.

Her look clearly said that I needed to explain.

"I may have bit a pillow."

"What?" she said as she threw her head back and laughed, turning to the mirror where she began removing the feathers and taming her chestnut mane. "How does this even happen?" she asked, pointing to her feather infused head.

"Bella, I can't explain the things that occur in the heat of passion." I went up behind her in the mirror so I could see us both together and I spread both of my hands over her still flat tummy. She smiled softly and lined both of her small hands on top of my larger ones. I rested my chin on her head.

She really was so tiny. It was something I didn't notice very often. Between her big personality and the towering heals she constantly wore she seemed much taller. But she wasn't, she was small and fragile. Though she would deny it, she needed to be taken care of and I wanted to be the one to do it, even if that meant I had to work sixteen jobs.

"We really are a family," she said. "I really, really like the way that sounds."

"Me to, sunshine. Are you ready to deal with the ace gang tonight?" I asked, fully ready to defy Alice if Bella gave any indication that she wasn't up for it. Plus I was really fucking hoping that she would just pull me back to bed.

"I suppose, we have to deal with them eventually. I guess we need to get dressed." I turned her in my arms, gave her a lingering kiss before I very begrudgingly moved away and pulled on the dark button up.

~*~*~

"I propose a toast," said Rosalie, raising her glass of wine about half way through dinner. Everyone followed suit, even Bella with her cranberry juice. "To the future."

"Right, be more cliché Rose," said Jasper, leaning back in his chair and rolling his eyes.

"Well what the fuck do you want to toast to then dickhead?" she snapped.

"Beer?" he suggested.

"Football," said Emmett.

"Family," I said before Rosalie could yell again. Everyone nodded and repeated after me. Bella blushed and I rubbed her knee under the table.

"Holy fucking shit what it that?" Rosalie screamed again, leaping to her feet, and almost sloshing wine all over her tight black dress.

"What?" everyone asked.

"That," she yelled, pointing a talon at Bella threateningly.

I looked at Bella with a critical eye, trying to determine what in the hell Rose could possibly be freaking out about. Bella didn't look different, yet. And she was red but that wasn't really uncommon.

"What?" we asked again.

"Did you motherfuckers get engaged?" All eyes snapped to Bella again and she put her ring-encrusted hand that had been holding her glass of juice in her lap.

I groaned and hit my head against the table.

I didn't even know what we were, engaged? Almost engaged? I was confused as fuck about the whole thing, not to mention upset. I just wanted to be fucking married. She didn't say yes to my proposal, which fucking hurt. Did she not want me forever? She saying no filled me up with doubt all over again. I knew I didn't deserve her and I was just waiting for her to tell me that she didn't love me anymore. I expected the worst because she was too perfect for someone like me to keep.

But she hadn't taken the ring off since that night two weeks ago, so that was a good sign.

I really didn't want to get into this with the gang. They were some nosy motherfuckers.

"WHAT?" screamed Alice, grabbing Bella's hand from her lap and gawking at the ring. "When did this happen and why wasn't I told?"

"Shit, that is Mimi's ring. It is still bullshit that she liked you so much more then me. She didn't appreciate my sense of humor," added Emmett.

"This is your grandmother's ring?" Alice said, waving Bella's hand in my face.

I just nodded, not really knowing what to say.

"Oh my God, there is so much to do. Have you set a date yet? Why haven't you asked me to be your maid of honor? I am offended. We have to start planning right away." She continued to tick off all the things she needed to do for a wedding that was definitely not happening in the near future.

"Alice," Bella said softly.

The pixie ignored her and continued to talk.

"Alice," she said again, louder this time.

Still no response.

"ALICE!" Bella finally yelled, garnering the attention of the room. "We are not getting married. At least not anytime soon, so please just calm down and stop planning shit. I have enough on my plate without getting married at 18 too. So please, just stop."

"Sorry Bella, I just got so excited. You are going to make a beautiful bride," she said wistfully.

"Alice, really. Not getting married any time soon. Ok?" Bella said.

"But—"

"Alice," I said, with a tone of warning in my voice.

"Ok, ok. Fine, be that way," she said, frowning like we were denying her everything she ever wanted.

"So wait, back up," Emmett said still looking confused. "If you are not getting married, then why does Bella even have grandma's ring?"

"Yea and what exactly do you have on your plate? It is your senior year, it is just fun and slacking off," Rose added.

Again, there was silence. I looked at Bella, she looked at her lap, Alice and Jasper stared awkwardly at the ceiling while Emmett and Rose stared intently at me and my ladylove.

"What the fuck does everyone know that we don't know?" demanded Rose.

I sighed and rubbed the back of Bella's neck, trying to calm her down.

"Bella's pregnant," I said feeling awkward. If it was this hard to tell my brother and his girlfriend, I couldn't even imagine telling Charlie and Renee. When I had told my own parents, I was still so shocked that the tension of the conversation didn't even register.

I was really not fucking looking forward to Sunday.

Emmett was the first to respond, doing a fist pump and letting out some sort of war cry.

"Excellent, I have always wanted to be an uncle. I love babies!"

Rose, on the other hand, looked vaguely green and swayed slightly in her chair upon witnessing Emmett's exuberance. At least she understood the gravity of the situation, unlike my idiot brother.

Emmett sprang from his chair and rushed over to Bella who squeaked as he picked her up and spun her in a circle.

"Damn I guess that I have to be careful with you now that you are knocked up," Emmett joked. He wasn't really taking the news how I would have thought, but he was making Bella smile so that was all that really counted.

"Well done dude," he said, punching me in the shoulder. I rolled my eyes at his antics, but couldn't help but grin.

"You do realize that this is going to totally change our lives right?" I asked.

"Naw, you two will handle it. You're rock solid."

"Thank you Emmett, that means a lot," said Bella, tearing up slightly at him support.

"Damn, it is going to be one attractive kid. Not as pretty as Rosie and my babies, but still damn pretty," he said as he made his way back to his seat and kissed Rose's temple.

She still looked quite ill and I was beginning to get concerned. She wasn't really one to show weakness and it looked like she could be knocked over with a feather.

Feathers.

This had my brain going in a totally different direction and I almost missed Rose's departure.

"Babe, where are you going?" Emmett asked as Rose got up from her chair quite unsteadily.

"Home. I uh… just remembered a big project I have to do this weekend. In fact I am really busy so I wont see you all for a while. Sorry." She stomped out of the room with her usual swagger, but that didn't detract from the bizarreness of her behavior.

Emmett followed her, but returned a minute later looking confused.

"So, about this adorable kid," he said before any of us could ask about Rosalie. "What do you think they are going to look like?"

"I hope she gets Bella's lips, they are so luscious," Alice comment.

"It is not going to be a she, I would have no idea what to do with a she. The universe is not that cruel," I said, not knowing where this was coming from but believing it nonetheless.

"You are so wrong, it is totally a girl. I just know," Bella said, smiling, something that was far too rare these days. "And I hope she has your eyes. And your hair."

"She is totally a he and I hope he has your eyes. And you smile," I replied.

"God you two are nauseatingly adorable," Jasper remarked. "Have you thought of names yet?"

"Jazz, we only found out two weeks ago. We are just trying to get out head around everything. This baby isn't real enough to name yet," Bella replied looking serious again.

"We are naming him Bob, Bobby," I declared hoping to make Bella smile again.

It worked because I am a fucking pro at making Bella smile. She even did one better and laughed, throwing her head back and everything.

Twice in one day, excellent.

"Bob?" she asked. "As in Dylan."

I gave her a look that clearly said 'duh'.

"Absolutely not. Our child is not being named after a rockstar, rockstar."

"We shall see sunshine, I have 7 months to change your mind."

The five of us spent the rest of the night relaxing and chatting, throwing out ridiculous baby names and pondering what was to happen in the coming months. It soothed me, being with this group, my supportive extended family. And for the first time, the baby panic dissipated and I was able to feel something else. Anticipation, excitement, love for the little thing growing in Bella's belly.

For the first time, I felt like everything was going to be better then all right.

~*~*~

On Sunday afternoon, I went out to lunch with Bella, Charlie, Kathleen, Alice, and Jasper. Thank God he was there. Charlie couldn't decide which one of us he hated more so he seemed to settle on ignoring us completely.

Bella was so nervous during lunch, obviously anticipating what he had to do next. I was shocked that no one fucking noticed.

Lunch went quickly, despite the tension and all to soon Bella was quietly asking Charlie if she could talk to him for a moment. We sat across from him and Kathleen in their extravagantly furnished living room. I held Bella's hand tightly and bounced my leg out of stress. Palms sweaty, I tried my best to be a fucking man and looked Charlie in the eye.

Goddamn he was scary, glaring at me. I swear his mustache twitched in dislike. I hoped that the guns were locked away. Maybe while he worked the lock I could take the opportunity to escape.

"So what did ya'll want to talk about?" Kathleen asked in overly bright tones. Bella glared, obviously upset that the step monster was even present at all.

Charlie motioned for me to start and I wondered if he had any idea what this was all about.

"Well, Ch— I mean, Mr. Swan. I just want to start by saying that I love your daughter very much, she is my whole life." Bella squeezed my hand in reassurance and my fingers grazed my ring on her finger.

"You are pregnant aren't you?" Charlie demanded, shifting his glare to his daughter. I resisted the urge to jump in front of my beloved and shield her from all things bad with my body.

Bella took a deep breath and gave a quick nod, looking down at her lap.

"Oh my God," commented Kathleen while Charlie went from red to yellow to purple to indigo. Practically all the colors of the fucking rainbow.

He began to sputter before he shut his mouth.

He looked like he was going to leap at me and throttle me, Homer Simpson style, but Kathleen put a hand on his back, calming him for a moment before he stood and began pacing around the living room.

The ranted and raved as he stalked around us. His message was loud and cuss word filled. The point was clear, he was highly disappointed in Bella, he wanted to kill me, and what the fuck were we supposed to do now.

Bella looked crushed and I squeezed her hand, trying to cheer her. She smiled at me, but it didn't clear the pain clouding her eyes.

While Charlie continued to yell, Kathleen slowly rose from her spot on the sofa across from us and sat softly next to Bella, grabbing her free hand.

Bella jumped in surprise. Both girls had never been kind or accepting towards their father's new wife and Bella in particular didn't think very highly of Kathleen at all. Because of this we were both equally shocked by Kathleen's apparent sympathy.

"Bella, darling," Kathleen said in hushed tones. "Don't listen to you're father. He is just upset and shocked. It is not an ideal situation but what's done is done. We will be here for you Bella, I promise."

The tears that had been welling in Bella's eyes overflowed as she hugged her stepmother and whispered a garbled 'thank you'.

Charlie's rant ended abruptly when he took in the sight of his wife and daughter embracing and I suddenly felt like I was intruding on a private family moment. It was a familiar feeling that frequented me in my early years with the Cullen's, but had never subsided completely. But soon that would change. I would have a fucking kid, and together with Bella we would be a real family. The first real family I ever truly had.

The glare fell from Charlie's face as he slowly approached us and he looked heart broken.

"Bella," he choked out, losing his gruff demeanor completely. "How— why— what?" He collected his thoughts again and his face was an emotionless mask once again. "I don't have anything else to say to you."

He turned on his heel and quickly left the room without looking in our direction again. Bella kept crying at his speedy departure and I wanted to hurt him for hurting her.

Kathleen sighed, before rising and kissing Bella's forehead. "Just give him time, darling," she whispered before following her husband.

Bella's small frame folded against me, and I couldn't make her tears stop. I was helpless to save her from this, to make her pain dissipate.

She didn't smile for another week when Charlie started talking to her again. He came to her with an apology and a doctors appointment, setting everything up and telling her he loved her.

She seemed happier after getting the news off her chest, but I wouldn't forget all her tears for a long time.

~*~*~

BPOV

"So Rosalie, my dear, this is message number 12 of the day. No one has seen you in a month and it is getting ridiculous. Alice is talking about staging an intervention so call us the fuck back or she is going to do something crazy."

I was practically screaming into the phone. I had been leaving these semi-desperate, please, please, please call me back messages lately, for both Renee and Rosalie.

Though I didn't know what Rose's deal was, it was pretty clear her isolation did not come from a place of concern for me, I knew exactly why Renee wasn't answering or calling me back.

My calls to my mother were simply an old habit of taking the high ground, of acting like the adult in our relationship. As usual.

I really had no desire to talk to her after everything she said last time.

Shortly after Charlie started not only talking to me again but also actually helping me figure out what needed to be done in the coming months, I felt confidant enough to call my mom.

I was trying very hard to build up that long forgotten shield again. Her opinion of me shouldn't have mattered. She had made so many mistakes, she was lucky that Alice and I still talked to her. But she was still my mother and I couldn't help but care what she thought.

And I knew she wouldn't like this one bit.

With Edward's arm securely around my waist, I dialed her number.

"Hello?" Renee answered, picking up after only one ring. Part of me had hoped that she wouldn't have answered at all and I could have just broken the news via message.

"Hi Renee," I said back, trying to muster up a little enthusiasm in my voice.

"My Isabella! It has been far to long since I have heard your sweet voice. How are you darling?" Renee asked. I could picture her sprawled across her bed on her stomach, smacking her gum and playing with her hair, just like the teenage girl she acted like.

"I am good Mom, just trying to get through school. Did I tell you that I am graduating a semester early?" I said, trying tell her this way.

"Why on earth would you want to do that? Don't you want to enjoy your senior year? Walk with all your classmates?" she asked, sounding appalled at the idea. I guess senior year and finishing high school was a big deal to some, just not me.

I started to say the words that I knew would make her flip out, but she interrupted me.

"But you always were my little overachiever. Not like your sister with her scary black clothes. How is Mary Alice? Put her on right this minute, I simply most talk to her. I want her to come visit me, and bring that boyfriend of hers. It is about time I met him."

Renee was so all over the place. I sighed and searched for some patients.

"She is away at college now, remember? And you have met him Mom, every time you come to visit. She has been dating Jasper since she was about ten years old," I replied in clipped tones.

"Good heavens, she is still with the same boy? That sounds way to serious. Teenagers should never get that serious or they will end up 17 and pregnant. Teenage love is fickle and disconnected from reality."

I started coughing on nothing at all and Edward looked at me with concern. He motioned for me to give him the phone, but I shook my head.

He had told one of my parents. He had done more then enough for me and I needed to just do this myself.

I sat up straighter, determined to steer this conversation back to wear it needed to be.

"Was it really so bad for you?" I asked quietly as I twirled Edward's ring on my finger. I liked it there. It made me feel loved, like I belonged to him and he me and that was it. "To fall in love and get pregnant so young?"

"Of course not darling, I got you and your sister didn't I? But the rest was just lust. Believe me, you won't figure out what love is until you are at least 25. Maybe even 30." Renee didn't know anything about love. Except maybe self love. She was so focused on herself that she didn't spare anything for Charlie, or Alice, or me.

I had to disguise my snort in a cough and bit my tongue to keep from declaring that last statement absolute bullshit right before I started to tear up. Again.

I hated so much about Renee. I hated myself because I knew I would never have an honest conversation with her.

"Charlie loved you," I whispered, looking up at Edward who gave me a reassuring smile.

"Isabella, don't talk about things you know nothing of… Now tell me, where are planning on going to college? Do you want to stay in Cali? Aren't you dating a new boy too? Maybe I can convince you both to come out here, wouldn't that just be divine?" she practically squealed.

"Edward and I have been dating for about a year now Mom. And about college, well, the future is really why I called," I stammered, continuing to chicken out.

"A year? Lord, what is it with you and Alice, settling down far to young?" shed asked, confused.

"Just taking after our mother," I replied, trying to keep the venom out of my voice. "Renee, I am not planning on going to college."

"What?" she spat.

"I cant, at least not now. You see, around the time everyone will be leaving for school next year I will have a 6 month old to take care of."

"What?" she screamed this time, fully freaking out now.

"Iampregnantmom," I said super fast, forcing it out of my lungs as quickly as possible and bracing myself for her violent reaction.

"Bella dear," she said in a scary calm voice. "Just because you are pregnant now doesn't mean you will have a 6 month old next August."

It was my turn to be confused.

"Yes it does…"

"No, Bella. You are a smart girl. I am sure you will learn from my mistakes."

I snorted. "Which ones?"

"I let your father talk my into doing some things I didn't want to do. Twice. I am sure you wont let this Edmond do the same to you," she explained, talking to me like I was a toddler.

"Ah," I said, getting a sickening understanding for what she meant now. "Alice and I are the mistakes and I will learn from your horrible decisions and get an abortion?? Is that what you mean?" I was angrier then I could ever remember being and my voice rose in volume and pitch as I went on.

"That is exactly what I mean. Isabella," she said giggling slightly. "You aren't seriously considering keeping this baby are you?"

"No considering is being done Mom, it has been decided. I am having the baby," I said, attempting to calm down again. Edward looked just about as pissed as I felt and somehow this made me smile.

He was so cute when he was angry.

"That is just absolutely ridiculous." I got some satisfaction that it was Renee that was yelling now.

"Sorry to disappoint Renee, but this is happening. We would really appreciate your support and love right now," I said emotionlessly.

I wouldn't let myself feel anything because this would hurt too much. I was used to Renee disappointing me but her attitude combined with calling Alice and I two mistakes were pretty damn bad, even for Renee.

"Supportive? Are you crazy? I can't even believe this is happening. What were you thinking? I might have expected this from your sister, but not you. You are my brainy Bella. How could you do this to me? After everything I went through to make your life different," she continued.

At this point, she was getting so absurd that the hurt was diminishing.

"Believe it our not, this really had nothing to do with you. And maybe if you weren't so fucking self-centered then you would realize that. So pull your head out of your derrière and grow up! Stop insulting me, my sister, and my unborn child and grow the fuck up! You can call me back when you do!"

I hung up before she could retort, and felt really good for a moment. And then I felt guilt, resolving to call her tomorrow and apologize. Like the adult she would never be.

"You ok sunshine? That didn't really go well," Edward said, rubbing the back of my neck and looking concerned.

"I am fine." He gave me a look that clearly said he thought I was full of shit. "Seriously. I stopped expecting anything from Renee a long time ago Edward. She is a child, but she will get over it soon enough. She doesn't matter, especially when Charlie is on board. And Esme and Carlisle. And you."

I leaned forward and kissed his softly. "I love you so much, rockstar."

"As I love you."

Everything seemed better when Edward was with me.

Of course there were some things I couldn't talk to him about. Like what happened after school on his first day of work.

I was lounging by the pool, reading a book and contemplating life in general while missing Edward when the doorbell rang. I was hoping it was Rose who was still missing, but instead I opened the door to Jacob Black who I had been avoiding since Edward's welcome back party.

"Bells! Hey," he said as he pulled me into a tight hug the moment I opened the door.

"Jake, Hi, what are you doing here?" I asked, not wanting to deal with his puppy love today.

"You have been avoiding me," he said, mock scolding me by shaking a finger in my face. "And I have been worried about you."

"Worried? Why?"

"The last time I saw you, you were dragged away by your lunatic boyfriend. It didn't seem to smart to me but he looked so crazy that I didn't want to say anything," he said.

"Well thanks, um I guess. But really you don't need to worry about me. I am fine," I said awkwardly not really knowing how to reply to that.

"So… Speaking of that party, why was your boyfriend freaking out?" I didn't like Jake's barely disguised contempt for Edward but I figured I should take the opportunity to end this ridiculous crush permanently. "Hopefully because you finally wised up and really did dump him for me."

I laughed out loud at his cockiness and the thought of ever dumping Edward.

"No, Jake. I still don't have a clue what could have possibly made him think that."

"I have a clue, Bella it is obvious to everyone including your boyfriend that we have something. We are good together," he said, attempting to grab my hand but I pulled away from him. All the humor and over the top confidence disappeared and he was startlingly serious.

This was not going to be pleasant.

"You should break up with him for me. I am so much better for you," he continued while bit my lip in an attempt to keep myself from totally verbally assaulting him.

I really hoped to still have a friend when all this is said and done.

I shook my head and started to let him down gently but he wouldn't stop fucking talking. I was feeling an irrational amount of hate at Jake for even putting me in this uncomfortable position but I blamed the excess of emotion on the hormones.

"We had so much fun this summer and now that he is back, I never see you! He is controlling and jealous and you deserve so much better," he continued.

"Jake, that is not true. Edward isn't keeping me from seeing you it has just been a really crazy time—"

"Whatever Bella, this isn't about him. This is about us and how great we could be. Bella, I love—"

"WOAH!" I yelled throwing my hands up and gesturing for him to stop. Once he said that he could never take it back. Nothing would be the same and our friendship would be over. Though the intent was there, so it probably was anyway. I was really so selfish, spending any time at all with him. Though I never led him on, I knew how he felt and should have distanced myself from him, for his own good.

But he was just too damn fun to be around.

"Listen, I know what you are going to say and I really wish you wouldn't. Those words aren't going to change how I feel. You are one of my best friends, but that is all we will ever be. I am totally in love with Edward."

"But that is crazy Bella, I am positive you feel it too. I love—"

"STOP TRYING TO SAY IT," I bellowed, not handling it nearly as well as I should.

"Why don't you want to hear it?" he smirked, confident again as he misinterpreted my reasons for yelling. "You love me back and I know it. That is why you have been avoiding me."

I sighed, frustrated that he was refusing to listen.

"Jake, I have been avoiding pretty much everyone lately."

"Why? Your crazy demanding boyfriend is making you?" he guessed.

"No. It is a personal choice because… I am pregnant," I said, rubbing my temples, closing my eyes, and trying to calm down.

Jacob let out some weird gurgling sound and I glanced up at his slack face.

"Shit," he finally said as he shifted his feet awkwardly from side to side. "Are you ok?"

I couldn't help but smile then, he really did care about my wellbeing.

"Yea, I really am. I mean, I am freaked out," I said as I tucked my bangs behind my ear. " I mean really freaked out, but I can do this. We can do this."

"We huh?" he asked, taking my left hand and studying the ring there. "Shit."

"I know."

"I guess you want me to back off now," he said as he dropped my hand and looked me in the eye for the first time since I shared my news.

"I really do. But I hope we can still hang out, have fun like we did this summer?"

He hugged me quickly and smiled. "I would really like that Bells, if you every need anything you will always have me you know?"

"Thanks Jake."

Everyone was taking this baby news a whole lot better then I expected.

~*~*~

"ROSALIE MORHERFUCKING HALE, YOU BEST OPEN THIS GODDAMN DOOR IF YOU DON'T WANT ME STOMPING IT THE FUCK DOWN," screamed Alice. The volume she managed to produce with her tiny little voice box was both alarming and impressive.

Alice and I had coordinated with Emmett to catch Rose at home in the apartment they shared by USC. He was the only person that had seen her in the last month and she was barely even talking to him.

Alice had reached her breaking point earlier in the day when Rose ignored our thousandth phone call and here we were, pounding on her door.

"I can hear you breathing in there. Plus Emmett told us you were here. Come on we are worried." Alice continued at a more reasonable pitch.

There was a muffled sigh and the door was flung open. Rosalie stood before us in all her glory, looking blond and fabulous and pissed. As usual.

"Hey," I said, greeting her.

"What the fuck do you two fools want? I am kinda fucking busy," she growled.

"Where have you been? We are all worried," I said.

"I am fine."

"Bullshit," Alice said.

"Urrggg," Rosalie yelled, banging her fist against the already abused door. "Fine. Won't you come in?" she asked in a sarcastic, overly friendly tone.

Alice and I did a quick victory dance while Rose continued to glare.

Armed with provisions including chocolate ice cream and several different kinds of chips, Alice and I made our way into the apartment, sitting on their small couch.

"SO Rose," Alice said, bright and bubbly again. "How have you been these last couple weeks?"

"Cut the shit Alice," she said as she grabbed three spoons from the kitchen and sat between the two of us. "I have obviously not been myself lately."

"Damn right. You haven't said one bitchy thing to me in weeks," I commented as I dug my spoon into the ice cream carton now sitting in Rose's lap.

"We miss you Rosie-kins," Alice said as she kissed Rosalie temple. For the first time she smiled and it made me smile.

"How is Baby Bobby?" she asked after a few moments of silence while we enjoyed our ice cream.

"What the fuck? How have you even heard that? You have been a hermit for the last month," I said, shocked that this particular Edward-ism had caught on.

"Emmett," she said smiling again. "You know, all I ever want since I was a wee little fucking girl was to be a mom. And it may be pathetic nowadays, but that is what I wanted to be when I grew up. A mom."

Rose's voice took on a new note of earnestness and it was already making my eyes water.

"So I guess before I explain, I should tell you that I am really glad that you are keeping Baby Bobby," she said as she awkwardly patted my shoulder.

As close as we had become in the last year, Rose and I had never been lovely-dovey with each other. We were more about verbally assaulting each other. So this little display of approval caused the tears to roll down my cheeks.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and proceeded to talk to us in an emotionless voice that scared me a little.

"Did you know that I have looked like this since I was about twelve years old?" she asked, gesturing to her curvy body. "And just before we moved here, when I was in 7th grade my babysitters brother, Royce King, noticed."

In horror, Alice and I abandoned our spoons to listen to Rose's story. Shockingly, she remained dry eyed and continued to eat her ice cream. In a quite voice, she told us how he violently forced himself on her, leaving her bloody and broken, totally destroying her insides.

Rosalie couldn't have kids.

"I just, sort of freaked when you told us about the baby. I try not to think about the whole thing so I was just shocked by how much it hurt. I was so jealous of you and Edward. Which was ridiculous, I know. And I was handling it and was a second away from a snappy dig at Bella when Emmett made that comment about our pretty babies," she continued, tearing slightly now.

"Does Emmett know?" I asked.

"He knows about what happened. He doesn't know about the results," she said, shrugging. "I suppose I need to tell him now. And I am sorry for just disappearing like that. I just wanted to sulk on my own for awhile."

"You needed time," Alice said as she rubbed Rose's back. "And you are back now right?"

"Fuck yes," Rose laughed. "And I might not be a mom, but I am going to be one kick ass aunt to Baby Bobby."

I wacked my palm against my forehead and groaned at the ridiculous nickname. Rose and Alice laughed hysterically and we finished off the ice cream. I rested my hand against my stomach and smiled, this kid was going to have one hell of a support system.

~*~*~

EPOV

People were fucking staring, more then usual.

I usually spent my time staring at Bella while she bent over her desk, working away like a busy little worker bee. I should have probably joined her in the perusal of academia, but we had little over a month left till we were done. Plus biology was fuck all easy. But their staring was distracting me from my staring.

And I wasn't really surprised. Bella was due in March and it was late November now.

Accompanying the fucking staring was the fucking whispering.

Bella didn't seem to notice, but she is damn perceptive so it was more likely that she was choosing to ignore them. Most days the two of us were in our own little bubble, but today the goddamn real world kept intruding.

Everyone important in our lives knew about Baby Bobby at this point but I had hoped we could get through our last semester here with out these fucking idiotic high school automatons picking us apart.

Lauren very purposefully looked at me before turning to continue gossiping with Jessica. Her eyes never left mine even when I gave her my best glare, the one that Bella hated.

"You know, Renee used to say that my face would freeze like that whenever I gave her a sour look. I sincerely hope she is wrong for my sake," Bella said from beside me as she continued to complete her stupid Bio busy work.

I tried to mellow my face but I was too fucking pissed at the gossip whores in the corner.

"This is very important to me and I would rather you not ruin it," she said as she grabbed my face and forced me to look at her instead.

I grinned, fucking pleased with myself just like I always was when Bella expressed shit like this.

"I like your face too," I said as I kissed the tip of her nose. "Are you ok?"

"Yes. I am better then ok as long as you are right here. Just ignore them," she said.

"I just don't want you to get hurt Bella, everyone is talking about us."

"I am tough," she laughed. Bella went back to the busy work and I went back to ignoring my busy work to stare at her instead.

Looking at her made it easy to ignore everyone else.

About half way through class, Mike Fucking Newton walked into the room, gave Bella an awkward little wave that she didn't even see, and handed two green slips of paper to Mr. Banner before walking out the way he came.

"Mr. Cullen? Ms. Swan?" he said, glancing up at us from his desk and waving the papers in front of his face. "They want to see you in the front office. Now please."

We gathered our shit and glanced at each other nervously. There was only one fucking thing that would have them summoning us and it involved exactly what everyone else was whispering about.

Goddamn lovely.

I grabbed both papers from Mr. Banner and held the door open for Bella as she subconsciously placed a protective hand over her stomach as she maneuvered out of the class causing a whole new round of whispers to erupt.

I quickly shut the door on them and sighed before grabbing Bella's hand and marching to our collective doom.

"Stop worrying," Bella said, smiling up at me knowing exactly what I was thinking, just like she always did. "It is going to be fine. One more month and we are outta here."

"I just want them to stay the fuck out of our lives," I grumbled.

"I know, but they wont."

Five minutes later, we were seated across from Mr. Kemp, the head guidance consoler and what a waste of space he was.

He started going on and on about our futures and college and all that shit before he finally got down to business. Making Bella far to uncomfortable for my liking, he asked if she was pregnant, expressed his concerns, and blah blah blah.

I finally flipped out a tiny bit and asked him why the fuck this all mattered if we were done with high school in less then a month.

That dumb bastard hadn't gotten that far into reading our files.

We were hustled back to class after fifteen minutes of wasted fucking time and the school was planning on turning a blind eye to teenage pregnancy, happy they wouldn't have to deal with angry parents.

After that day, everyone knew.

Bella was so brave, but I was scared to be away from her being that she was the one thing keeping me from going Rambo because of the nasty shit that was floating around.

I had even heard that the baby was actually Mike fucking Newton's, and that wasn't even the worst of it.

But we stuck together so it was ok.

Though I still got pretty damn freaked about all this baby business, as time went on I was gaining confidence that I could do this, I could be a parent.

How much worse could it be then all this shit?

~*~*~

BPOV

I couldn't sleep.

I was exhausted and sore and uncomfortable and had to pee and Edward wasn't here so I couldn't sleep.

Unable to hold it any longer, I stumbled out of bed before waddling to the bathroom. Again.

It was February now. I was due in 2 months and huge.

I looked at the clock as I slowly made my way back to my appealing purple bed.

1:35. Thank God I didn't work tomorrow. Charlie had begrudgingly agreed to hire me now, training me on the condition that I would be back after the baby was born.

I sighed again and looked to my bedroom window, willing Edward to emerge. He was sneaking in nightly now, mainly because I couldn't sleep without him. Charlie was still being unreasonable on that front.

I was already pregnant, what else could possibly happen?

At least I was allowed to stay at the Cullen's whenever I so chose now. Edward and I split our time between the two houses.

I glanced at my phone, hoping to have heard from him by now. But I didn't want to bother him. He was so busy these days, between the band and work. At least we no longer had to deal with school.

After the tour last summer, Vampire Sunrise was approached by a small, independent label and asked to make an album. Their very first album. I was beside myself with pride but Edward, being Edward, refused at first.

He said that he didn't have time, that he wanted to spend every moment with me getting ready for the baby.

This was a lovely statement, in theory, but spending every moment together involved living together and living together required money, as did the baby.

Charlie was already playing for doctors and other baby stuff as it was.

So he agreed to record the album, needing the small sum it paid in order to be someday finically on our own. With the money from the album, his job at a record store, and mine as an intern for Charlie's company, we hoped to move into our own place sometime in the summer.

But continuing to live with Charlie and Kathleen wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, considering when Kathleen announced that she was also pregnant last Christmas, I thought I going to pass out.

The situation was so fucking creepy.

My daughter, because I was sure she was a she despite Edward's insistence to the contrary, would have an uncle she was older then. At least I thought that was how it worked, the whole thing was so fucking confusing.

And so fucking creepy.

But it turned out to be a blessing because both of us were new at this, we made life easier on each other. We faced this big daunting thing together, even though it was so fucking creepy. Edward said we were friends but I would not go that far.

I bet it was worse for Charlie, having his pregnant daughter and wife living under the same roof but he dealt with the situation remarkably well. Despite the fact that my dad didn't talk to me for a week after we told him, he had been really supportive since, making me feel loved. Esme and Carlisle had been wonderful too. Renee had her predicted freak out and she still hadn't got used to the idea but she was planning on visiting the week I was due in April so that was nice.

Though in reality it was just another thing to stress me out about that whole month.

I closed my eyes again, trying in vain to fall asleep when my window silently slid up. I smiled as the rest of him followed his bronze head. He gracefully straightened and turned to close the window before tiptoeing across the room, making an effort not to wake me.

"Hi," I said, smiling at the sight of him.

"Hey, you are not asleep," he pointed out as he stripped down to his boxers before climbing into bed with me.

"Nope, tried though."

"How is Baby Bobby doing tonight?" he asked as he kissed my forehead, hands ghosting over my stomach.

I rolled my eyes.

"Edward, we have discussed this. She is a girl and even if she is a he, we are not naming our child after Bob Dylan."

He just smiled sweetly at me, not bothering to argue. I knew he would continue to refer to the baby as Bob until the birth certificate said otherwise. We probably should have just decided to find out the sex, but this bickering and naming was to fun. I wanted to be surprised.

"How did it go tonight?" I asked, even though his lids were flickering shut.

"Mumm… fine. Sam was an ass. But Sam is always an ass so really just the same as usual. I missed you."

"You saw me this morning," I reminded him as he kissed my cheek this time, staying away from my lips. This mouth-to-mouth avoidance was a sure sigh that he had been drinking and didn't want me to know.

I wasn't born in a box, I knew what happened during the recording process.

"It was too long ago. I love you, you know."

"I know."

"So, so, so, so much."

"I know."

"Sleep now sunshine," he suggested before he started humming my lullaby in my ear.

As snuggled closer to Edward and I felt so happy. I knew that I should be scared and distraught about how my life was turning out, but all I felt there with Edward was joy, contentment, and security.

Mostly I was just in love, with life, with Edward, with this little person inside me that we created together.

I knew I should have had regrets or something, but I wouldn't change a thing because then I wouldn't be right here with Edward, excitedly anticipating the future.

~*~*~

EPOV

I slipped out of Bella's bed that morning, working hard not to wake her. She really needed to be sleeping more, but she could only seem to do it when I was around. And I was so fucking busy these days that I wasn't around a lot.

But I was caught in a fucking pickle. The only way to be around more would be to live off Charlie for the foreseeable future and there was no fucking way that would be happening. I had been living off others my whole goddamn life and now that I had my own, real family, I was going to support it.

Working really cut into my Bella time.

I was at Independent Records by 9:30, ready to open at 10. I enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed anything that took me away from Bella I suppose, though I would much rather be in the studio.

I hated the mixed feelings toward the record deal, but I was doing an excellent job being a happy little clam. Bella was happy when I was happy so I was going to fucking be happy.

And part of me really was. The band was doing well, my girlfriend/maybe fiancé was insisting me living my dream, and I was doing what I loved.

But all I really wanted was to be with Bella all the time.

Upon arriving at work it became clear that the not-Jasper manager had overbooked the schedule so I jumped at the opportunity to cut out early and spend the afternoon with Bella.

When I drove to the Swan abode, however, I found it empty. Perhaps she was at Jasper's. I had no idea because she wasn't answering her fucking phone.

It was one of the rare Saturday afternoons where I was actually free. I didn't have band practice for once. The band was taking up so much of my time that I would have fucking quit if we didn't need the money the gigs provided. That and there was no way Bella would let me.

And she wasn't answering her fucking phone.

I lived at a low level of anxiety when I wasn't with my Bella and it was unbearable when I didn't even know where she was, if she as ok.

I moped around my house, trying to take a nap and fucking around with a new song that wasn't really working, but I was too edgy. She still hadn't called me back.

I checked my super secret flask only to find it as empty as Bella's goddamn house.

Muttering curses all the way, I took my bike to Jasper's apartment, bursting in to find my friend dressed only in boxers, suspenders and cowboy boots, hunched over a table.

"Greetings," he said without turning around.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked as I stormed over to the liquor cabinet, pondering for a moment before I settled on my usual whiskey.

"Building a model of an iron side ship used during the Civil War."

What the fuck was it with Jasper and the Civil War? He had gotten Bella hooked on it too and the pair of them were unbearable with their passionate discussions.

Drove me insane.

"Right," I said after taking a pull from my flask. "Have you seen Bella?"

"Nope."

"Do you have any idea where she might be?" I said, searching for a little patients. He still hadn't looked up from his fucking model even though I was now seated directly across from him.

What a fucking stupid way to spend his day off.

"No, but Alice was definitely plotting something last I heard. "

I sighed and flipped out my phone, sending a quick text to Alice asking if she was with my ladylove.

The reply was blessedly quick.

_Yes, be at Jazz's in 5._

I relaxed slightly and pocketed my now empty flask, feeling more normal now that I knew she was safe and that I would be seeing her shortly.

"You know this is an activity for gay older gentlemen, right?" I asked Jasper.

"Fuck you. Get a hobby."

"I have a hobby. Several in fact."

"Yea playing guitar and fucking your girlfriend, real original. Now if you will excuse me, I have to focus. This thing is like a goddamn soufflé. No loud noises."

I sighed but kept my mouth shut, completely focused on the front door.

Closer to 7 minutes later it was finally flung open and in stormed, well waddled, Bella, cheeks flaming and fists clenched.

"And where the hell have you been?" I asked, forgetting to not sound pissy.

"Sorry Edward, did my kidnapping by a lunatic midget inconvenience you? I will have to keep you in mind next time I get taken against my will."

I was about to apologize and tell her I missed her but was interrupted by the kidnapper in the flesh.

"I don't get what the big fucking deal. Maybe if you would show a little excitement about getting married like a normal bride to be the sight of wedding dresses wouldn't freak you out!" Alice screamed, causing Jasper to wince as his precious little model shook.

I glanced at my very angry girlfriend/maybe fiancé and anticipated the coming storm. Bella was very touchy about the subject of marriage, wanting to only tackle one this at a time.

Baby Bobby this year, next year marriage. Maybe.

I tired really hard to not be hurt or overanalyze her true reasons for not wanting to marry me. And really, I understood and didn't push her, mainly because she continued to wear the ring I gave her that let the whole world was mine.

Yea that includes you motherfucking Jacob Black.

"Alice, I am not getting married anytime soon so stop fucking tricking me into bridal stores! Don't you think I have enough on my plate with our all that stuff too?"

"But you wouldn't have to do anything! I would plan the whole shebang, you would just have to show up."

"Inside voices please," asked Jasper, instantly calming the room somehow.

"Just stop Alice," Bella said, closing her eyes and rubbing her temples. "I wont go anywhere else with you if you don't promise to stop dragging me to bridal stores. And that includes this ridiculous baby shower you have planned for next weekend."

"Fine, fine. I promise. But you are fucking coming to that shower and you will show up on time and in the blue dress we bought today. No arguments."

"Whatever," she said dismissively before she turned to look at me. "What are you doing here? I thought you were at work till 4."

I beckoned her with a wave of my hand and pulled her onto my lap when she got close. Even prego she didn't weigh anything at all.

"There were to many people there today so I got off early. I wanted to spend the afternoon with you. Why didn't you answer your phone?"

"It died, I am sorry if you were worried," she said as she ran her fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes and leaned into the touch. "Just think, when we get our own place I can just leave you a nice little note or something."

I liked the ring of that statement. Our place.

"I have been meaning to speak to you two about that," said Jasper, removing his focused stare from his fucking model for the first time since I arrived.

"Really?" asked Bella, sounding confused. Alice pulled up a chair next to her boyfriend, looking perplexed as well.

"Yea, apparently my neighbor cut out on his lease early. The landlord is looking to fill the place pronto. It is a two bedroom and everything. And rent is reasonable. I mean, I can afford it. And there double of you then me."

My head whipped around to look at Bella who was smiling widely at me.

And that was how we ended up in the front office, signing a lease, half an hour later.

It was really fucking happening, Bella and I were really a family. I tried not to think about the responsibility of it all or I would freak the fuck out and need a really strong drink.

~*~*~

"Ah, this one is real nice," Emmett said as he closed his eyes and crossed his hands behind the back of his head.

"You like them all Emmett," said Alice who was curled into the fetal position in the center of the goddamn giant mattress. "You are really only here as forced labor. And the question is, will Bella like it?"

I flopped down between the two of them and closed my eyes, trying to compare this bed with Bella's bed at Charlie's in my head.

"It is not like I have ever been in bed with Bella before, most unfortunately," he continued. I punched him in the arm without even opening my eyes. "Fuck man, lighten up."

"Mother of my unborn child…"

"Yea ok, play the trump card, ruin all my fun," he said, rubbing his bicep.

"This isn't the one," Alice said, leaping to her feet bringing Emmett and I up with her.

Bella and I were moving in to our place (ah lovely) at the end of the week. I wanted to surprise her with a big new bed. We were getting most of our shit from thrift stores and Esme's basement, but Bella loved to be in bed.

She even did her homework there. Not that she had homework anymore, but still.

I had thought about just moving in her bed from at home, but I knew that she would want a place to sleep there.

It was my apartment-warming gift to her and it had to be perfect.

About 17 thousand more mattresses later and we found our future California king. I winced at the price as the surly cashier swiped my credit card and we maneuvered the huge mattress into the back of Jasper's beat old pickup.

~*~*~

"I am almost afraid to ask," I said as I looked down at Bella slumped on Esme's couch, surrounded by pastel streamers, balloons, and gifts. From the look of the piles strewn about the room, it was good haul. Everything Baby Bobby would ever need we would give him, and this was a good start. Some completely unreasonable part of me wanted to get indignant and refuse to except them but, just like the medical bills Charlie was paying, I knew when I had no goddamn chance of winning. "How did it go?"

"Good, I guess. It was nice to see everyone. I am just so tired, Alice doesn't get that being 7 months pregnant really slows one down. Will you just lie down with me when we get to Charlie's? So I can sleep?"

I kissed her nose and smiled, thrilled to give into her every wish.

"Are you up for swinging by the apartment real quick? I thought we could drop off this first load of Baby Bobby's stuff," I lied, wanting to surprise Bella with her apartment warming gift early.

"I suppose I could handle that."

Moments later I was swept up in the Alice cleaning brigade so it was another half an hour until we were finally dismissed. Loaded down with baby crap, we said our goodbyes as Alice, Rosalie, and Esme who all fawned over us on our way out.

When we got to the car I kissed Bella fervently before I turned on the vehicle, just because I hadn't all day.

When we got to our still mostly empty apartment, it took me about 5 minutes to convince Bella to come up with me rather then sit in the car.

She was tired, luckily there was a big gorgeous bed waiting for her.

"Edward, cant you just dump those in the doorway so we can leave?" she whined, looking adorable.

"I just want to put them in their proper place, come on," I insisted.

"What are you hiding back there Edward Cullen?" she asked, suspicious.

I smiled and walked slowly down the hall to the bedrooms, carefully placing the gifts into the smaller bedroom while Bella wandered toward me.

"Are you up to no good, rockstar?"

I opened the door to our bedroom and motioned for her to enter.

She saw the bed, her eyes got huge, she squealed like Alice, she hugged me quickly, and then ran to the bed, cuddling up in the mass of gold blankets and pillows that Alice had helped me pick out.

"You got me a bed! Ah, this is divine," she said, her husky, pleasure filled voice immediately going right to my crotch while I reminded myself that she was tired. "Come here, my love."

I always did just what she said.

"Welcome home sunshine," I said as she cuddled up to me.

"I love you and I love this bed, if I had my way neither of us would ever leave it."

The next day we moved in fully, spending extra time setting up the nursery, one of three that Baby Bobby would have. It was the first step in the whirlwind of moving and planning and doctors appointments and breathing classes and playing music that would eat up all our time before the baby came.

In the next two months, we continued to get ready. Alice and Esme and Rosalie and Kathleen and even Bella seemed pretty goddamn on top of shit, but I didn't think an amount of getting ready would prepare me for this huge life-changing thing.

But at least Bella was happy, that was all I really wanted even if we couldn't be together nearly as much as I wanted.

And then the much anticipated day arrived.

As we made our way to the hospital, pre-prepared overnight bag in hand, Bella was a lot more collected then me, instructing me to call her father and mine, trusting them to start the phone tree that later caused the masses to set up camp in the waiting room.

And then, holy fuck, when we got there, it was hours of huffing and puffing and crying and screaming. Bella, as usual, was a trooper but her seeing in so much pain hurt me in unimaginable ways.

But then it was all worth it because they were putting a screaming little baby girl in Bella's arms and there was so much love in that little room. So there was more crying and expressions of love and Bella wanting to name our little girl Vanessa after my grandma Mimi.

And then they were putting the little bundle in my arms. Totally in aw of this new breed of love I felt for this little thing that I didn't even know existed, my brain started doing strange things. I tensed up, worried that I would drop this little thing that I loved so much more then I even knew was possible while I tried to remember what you were supposed to do at a time like this, something about goddamn counting toes and fingers I thought.

I wanted to do everything for this little girl. I was going to stop smoking pot and cut back on the alcohol so I would be a better person for her. I was going to be around for every waking and sleeping moment as she grew up. I wanted to be her father, her role model and her hero. I wanted her to feel loved and wanted in a way I never did.

I glanced down at Bella, looking red and sweaty and absolutely mind bogglingly beautiful, seeing everything I felt in that moment reflected in her eyes.

It was the moment that started everything.


	15. Chapter 15

Now—

BPOV

I didn't want to open my eyes. Eye opening meant I was awake. Being awake meant that I had to deal with my very rash actions of last night, trying to make sense of them in tandem with the disconcerting jumble of emotions that continued to dominate my every waking thought.

I couldn't recall ever being this confused in my life.

Escorting myself into Edward's bed was not wise. It reeked of the old Bella, using sex to avoid the real issues. It didn't fix us then, it wouldn't now.

After the last couple weeks, it was obvious that we couldn't continue in limbo like this. Moving memories coupled with overpowering sexual frustration had somehow caused me to revert to who I was 8 years ago. If I wasn't a complete and totally fool, I would have just asked him want his goal was, what he wanted. What was the point of him strong-arming his way back into my life?

And equally as important, what did I want from him?

Before, I may not have been happy, but at least I didn't realize it. Until he came back, that is.

I mean, really, how in the hell did I end up here? Had I learned nothing?

But I would have my answers this morning, whether I really wanted them or not. I could have had them last night too, but I was just too happy for his words to ruin it.

And who the hell was I kidding? I had only ever wanted the same thing, since I was 16 years old and it was long past time I stopped lying to myself. By the end of our night together, I felt just like I had all those years ago. I wanted it back, and despite our past issues, it was right here within reach.

Maybe.

Part of me was ready to beg Edward to stay with me forever, to never leave me. I fully intended on throwing away any part of my former life to make a new one with him.

Though he hadn't actually given any indication that he wanted me permanently, I would have to find some way to convince him.

I mean the quality of the sex alone was a pretty damn good reason itself.

But at the same time, we had tried this. I failed him, he failed me. There was so much hurt between us, I didn't know if I could get over it, if we could.

All I knew was that I couldn't go back to living without him. I didn't even want to think about how hard that would be, so I tired to remain hopeful.

It wasn't hard to have a positive attitude when Edward was wrapped around me and my body was wonderfully sore from our time together.

I smiled and pushed my air condition cooled nose into his neck, just like I used too back in the day. Edward always liked to sleep in sub-zero temperatures so he was forced to warm various parts of me with his body heat.

Not that either of us much minded the contact.

"Goddamn that is cold…" he mumbled, half coherently, pulling me closer despite his annoyed words.

I giggled and kissed his jaw. He opened one lovely eye and smiled down at me where I rested with my chin on his chest.

"Hi," I said, giving him a grin of my own.

"Hi," he replied, closing his eye again and pulling me close. "You're really here."

"It feels like a dream to me too," I sighed into his chest. I fit so perfectly here, so content and whole.

How could he not feel it too? Maybe he did. Or maybe I was deluded by really good sex.

"Don't go." It was a whispered plea in my ear and my heart once more surged with hope. For the day? For the weekend? For forever? What did he mean?

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to keep the huge smile off my face.

"Stay. Don't go. Ever."

"Don't go?" I clarified, not believe what I was hearing. "Ever?"

"I don't want you to leave me again. Bella, I want—"

The ringing of the doorbell accompanied by some very loud thumping interrupted Edward's very important words. He glanced at me, trying to figure out what to do.

He sighed heavily when the doorbell chimed a third time.

"Just don't move," he said leaping out of bed and a pulling on a pair of baggy sweatpants. "I am just going to get rid of whoever the fuck is at the door and we are having this conversation."

He stormed all the way to the open bedroom door before he abruptly turned around, stomped back to me, grabbed my face between his hands, and gave me a hard, quick kiss.

I fell back into the pillows with a thud, beaming like the crazy in love fool I was.

He didn't want me to leave. Ever.

It was absurd and irrational, but after years of separation and shit loads of drama we seemed to finally be figuring it out.

Or so I thought, until I heard a very shrill female voice emanating from the entrance of the house.

"What do you mean I can't come in? I have your tux for my premier tonight. And where the hell have you been for the last few weeks? Thanks so much for calling me back."

"No, you really can't came in," Edward said in a hushed tone I could barely make out.

"To bad, I am here and you are just going to have to deal with it. You are lucky I don't have time to be pissed at you right now," said the female voice, getting louder as if it was drawing nearer.

A horrible moment of realization came over me as the sound of heels drew closer on Edward's beautiful Spanish tile floors. Too shocked to even throw on a shirt, I was met with the sight of the other woman wrapped up in a sheet in the middle of Edward's bed.

Except, apparently, I was actually the other woman.

A half naked Edward darted in front of the entrance to the bedroom, blocking my view of the living room where this person stood.

Only she wasn't having it.

"What the fuck?" she screamed, darting around Edward and elbowing her way into the bedroom. "Who the fuck is this?"

"Tanya, look, I am sorry but—" Edward said, putting himself between that woman and me. I took the opportunity to wiggle my way into one of Edward's shirts.

"Sorry? You are fucking sorry? You cheat on me with some random whore and you are sorry?"

Edward growled and his hands balled into fists while his jaw twitched.

"Woah," I said, finally finding my voice. "Watch who you are calling whore, whore."

There, that sounded nice and normal. Not like I was on the verge of a complete mental break down.

"Fuck you bitch, only whore's fuck other people boyfriends, whore," she spat at me. It was then I recognized her from countless movies. Tanya Denali, America's sweetheart and all around sex goddess was with my Edward.

Something I would have known if I hadn't been so adamant about avoiding celebrity gossip.

"Girlfriend? Great. Perfect," I said in an attempt to be strong when all I want to do was go fetal right there at the feet of Edward and his famous and intimidating… _girlfriend_.

Even my mind stuttered over the word. I hated even the idea of him being with anyone else, always had. But presented with it in such an abrupt way was just, beyond comprehension.

It was just like last time. Sort of.

"Get. Out." Edward hissed at his… _girlfriend_, still not looking at me.

"Me? You are telling ME to get out? What about her?" she said, pointing a manicured talon at me.

"You don't talk about her," Edward yelled. "You don't even look at her."

"ARENT YOU GETTING THIS BACKWARDS? I AM YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG."

The strawberry blond slag was right. She didn't do anything wrong.

I did.

"Right," I said, picking up my belongings in the most dignified manner I could. "I am leaving."

This hurt too much. It was too painful to go from one extreme emotion regarding Edward to the complete opposite in the span of a minute. It was all too familiar, reeking of what happened 8 fucking years ago.

Had I learned nothing?

Of course he had a girlfriend. Of course he didn't want me like I wanted him.

"Wait, Bella. Please…" Edward said, grabbing my arm as I attempted to walk past him out of this horrible room.

"Don't you touch me Edward Cullen," I said in a low voice. He recoiled from me like I burned him.

"Bella, don't do this. Listen to me I love you, I—"

"Bullshit," I said at the same time that women let lose with another string of profanities.

"What? Bullshit?" Edward stuttered, following me as I stormed out the front door, pulling my skirt over my hips as I finally got outside.

"Yes. Bullshit. If you really loved me, you wouldn't be dating someone else."

Later, I would look back and realize my own hypocrisy. But in the moment, my own significant other was the farthest thing from my mind.

Though in fairness to myself, I wasn't the one who had been pushing for more between us for weeks. Everything he had done for me, to make me remember, in the last few weeks turned to something ugly and perverse in my head. He had a girlfriend so it all must have just been a game to him.

"I forgot ok?" he said, walking backwards in front of me so he could look me in the eye.

"You forgot?" that slut and I said at the same time. I heard her awful, nasal voice from behind me, her breathing strained as she struggled to keep up.

All of her movies were shit.

"Yea, I know it sounds bad," he said, still pleading with me and ignoring his girlfriend. "But I have been so wrapped up in you that I just didn't think about anyone else."

We were reaching the main road now and I had not slowed my pace. I was desperate to get away from both of them. I just wanted to be alone with my broken, battered heart.

I didn't know how much more it could take before it stopped functioning at all.

"Just leave me alone Edward. I can't do this anymore," I said quietly, stepping around him, determined to walk home if it meant getting a bit of distance.

~*~*~

EPOV

I could not fucking believe this was happening. And all this misunderstanding just because I forgot to break up with Tanya. It really had been on my list of things to do. I really just forgot.

Yea, I was a fucking asshole but that was beside the point at the moment.

Bella looked so defeated when she asked me to leave her alone that I stopped in my tracks and watched her outline getting smaller until she abruptly turned a corner, disappearing.

Well fuck.

We were so close, I could feel us on the precipitous of progress. She was finally letting me tell her how I felt, how much I needed every part of her. And from the look on her face she had seemed pretty receptive.

But then goddamn Tanya and her fucking premier ruined our moment.

I was so obscenely in love with Bella, always had been, but because I was such a fucking idiot, she didn't believe me.

I had to fucking make this right.

Feeling sick and rather insane I turned on my heel and marched back down my winding driveway.

"EDWARD!"

Fuck, I thought she had gotten the message and left.

"Listen, Tanya, I really am sorry about the way it happened but we both knew this wasn't going anywhere. If you could go now, that would be great."

"Who the hell was that Edward? Are you really fucking breaking up with me over that shanky piece of trash? What about my premier?" she gestured wildly in the direction Bella disappeared.

Never in my life had I wanted to hit a woman so badly.

"That is the mother of my child you are talking about. You best watch your filthy mouth or you will severely regret it. Now get the fuck off my property."

And with that concluded the worst break up in the history of break ups. Well second worst, Bella and I held first in that category. Most un-fucking-fortunately.

Five minutes later I was in the Volvo, cruising along the route to Bella's house.

I spotted her well on her way to her house, dressed ridiculously in her tight and excessively crumpled work skirt, a t-shirt of mine, and her insanely high heels.

Goddamn she was beautiful.

I slowed my car to a roll and lowered my window. Bella didn't even turn her head.

"Go away Edward."

"No, just get in the car Bella. Let me at least take you home."

"That is so not happening."

We tooled along in silence for a bit. I was really impressed with her quick pace in those killer shoes.

"Bella, you are going to hurt yourself in those death traps." She didn't even turn her head to glare at me.

"I am really sorry about all that, Bella, I haven't seen her in weeks. I really just forgot. About the premier, about dating her. Everything, but you."

Still nothing from Bella.

"You look really beautiful this morning."

She snorted. Ah progress.

"We need to talk," I pleaded as I continued to crawl along beside her.

"There is absolutely nothing to talk about."

"How can you even say that?" I yelled, pissed off and hurt. "After last night, how can you even fucking say that? I know you felt the same things I did."

"I don't make it a habit of discussing my mistakes."

"Mistake? MISTAKE?" I slammed the car into park and was rounding on Bella before I even realized that we were on her front steps. "Who is bullshitting now Bella?"

"Just leave Edward. I don't know why either of us thought we could move past the same old shit," she said without looking at me, fumbling with her keys. "Nothing has changed at all."

"Bella," I groaned in frustration as she finally got the door open. "Everything has changed. I have changed. We have changed."

"Right, we have change from a we to a you and a me. There is never going to be a we again," she yelled, getting angry and flustered all over again. "Goodbye Edward."

She attempted to shut the door in my face but I muscled my way inside, ignoring Bella's denial of my entry and her final sounding statement.

"We need to talk Bella, stop avoiding the issue. Before Tanya interrupted—"

"Don't you say her name in my house."

"Are you serious right now?" I asked as we squared off, facing each other in the entryway. "You have been dating fucking Jacob goddamn Black for over a year! Black, of all people."

"Don't you say his name either. Jacob is a good-hearted, honest man. Something you will never be."

"I never lied to you Bella. I love you, I have always loved you."

"Get out of my house Edward."

"No, absolutely not. No fucking way and I am not leaving until you talk to me. For real. You are the liar, calling last night a mistake," I said, crossing my arms over my still bare chest.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" she screamed.

"No," I said again, calm as a cucumber.

"UUURRRGGG." She threw her arms in the air and stomped off to the bathroom. I heard the distinct click of a lock turning and I sat down with my back to the door, wanting to get closer to her.

Thinking about the events of this morning made me physically ill.

We were so fucking close.

Minutes ticketed by in silence and after half an hour of wallowing in my own self-misery she spoke.

"If you don't leave I am calling Jasper and he will make you leave," she said in a clear, confident voice.

I scoffed.

"I am not scared of Jasper Whitlock. And you aren't going to call him, he will kick my ass and you don't want that to happen."

We settled back into our now familiar silence until the front door slammed, 20 minutes later.

Oh shit. I would recognize the sound of those cowboy boots anywhere.

I couldn't believe she fucking called him, she really must not love me.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he said from the end of the hall.

"I just want to talk to her man," I said, palms up in surrender. "You don't understand."

I wondered vaguely if he had gotten taller in recent years.

"What I understand is that Bella called me, saying that she needs my help because you have her locked in a bathroom. And all this after you start lurking around at dinner time," he said with barely controlled anger.

Suddenly, I fell backward as the door supporting my back was pulled away. My head landed on the wood floor with a thunk and I found myself directly between Bella's legs.

No underwear. Excellent.

Except all to soon, I was dragged away by my ankles and my lovely view was replaced with Jasper's glaring face.

"What are you drunk?" Jasper asked, thoroughly pissing me off.

"Fuck no. Jasper will you please stay out of this? All I am trying to do is convince Bella that I love her."

Jasper must not have liked this statement because I was suddenly hauled upright and held up against a nearby wall by my throat.

I could have probably kicked his boney ass, but that shit was sure to upset Bella and I needed every advantage to get her to fucking see the truth at the moment.

"Jazz," squeaked my beloved, coming to my defense as I hoped she would. "Don't hurt him, just get him out of my house."

Shit that wasn't good.

"Gladly," he said, the eternal fucking gentlemen. He even bowed a little.

That prick.

And with that I was hustled out of her apartment and sent flying out onto the lawn, landing on my ass.

The door slammed behind me and I heard that goddamn click of a lock that I was beginning to dread.

I lay back in the grass, feeling lower then the goddamn slime of the earth.

This all was so familiar.

I was losing her, again. And this time, like last, it was absolutely and entirely my

own fucking fault.


	16. Chapter 16

Now—

BPOV

It took me twelve years to get Jasper to finally leave my house. He kept asking me what happened, if I was all right, if I was sure I didn't want him to go pummel Edward. I assured him that I was ok, but he just kept loitering.

I even had to steal his cell phone to keep him from calling my sister and asking her to come to my rescue, again.

He was looking at me like I was going to completely shut down, like last time.

I didn't see a total emotional breakdown in the near future, but I really needed to be alone to process everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.

I cheated on Jake. I slept with Edward. Tanya rightfully called me a whore. Edward claimed to love me.

I have never said 'I am fine' more in my life, but eventually Jasper chose to believe me, kissing my forehead quickly and promising he would try to keep Alice from rushing over the moment she found out.

I didn't bother asking how she would find out. She always knew everything.

I also tried to get Jasper to swear on the grave of Robert E. Lee that he wouldn't say anything to his wife. He had the nerve to laugh at me as he pulled the door closed behind him.

I hoped Edward had made it home all right. I hoped he hadn't taken up residence on my front lawn till I was ready to talk to him. And I would be ready, eventually. I just needed to figure out what I was going to say.

Already, with just an hour distance from the whole mess, I could see that I had acted a bit irrationally.

But seeing Edward with another women brought back all sorts of painful memories from 8 years ago. I knew what it was like to be in Tanya's position. I knew how it felt to walk through a door and see that something was horribly and terribly wrong.

To have a big, flaming, fireball of a meteor crash against your chest, effectively bringing about the extinction of everything you thought you ever knew.

Though when it was me, I was walking through my front door, into my home that I had shared with my fiancé for almost 2 years.

It was still so painful to think about.

Could I ever get over it? Could we be together after that happened?

And logical Bella pointed out that it was my own fucking fault. I was the one who left him, I was the one who lied.

But there is no way in hell I would have even been able to move on that fast.

Two fucking days.

And then there was the matter of Jacob Black, my boyfriend. Who I really did love and who I was about to hurt horribly.

God, I really was a whore. How could I do this to Jacob? Sweet, always there for me Jacob. He deserved so much better then a selfish cheater like myself. We were so completely done and over. This would crush him and he would never believe how sorry I was. He was sure to leave me the second I told him and I ached with the knowledge that he would no longer be a part of my life.

I thought I was better then this. I was obviously not a good person. It was inevitable really. I did the same thing to Mike. Only for Edward. It was always Edward.

I knew I had to tell Jake. It would be the hardest thing I would ever do, second only to walking out on Edward.

And that worked out so well.

I threw my hands up in frustration and confusion, stomping up my stairs and heading towards my shower. Maybe if I cleaned up a bit, I would feel more like myself. Maybe if I felt more like myself, I could figure out what the fuck I was going to do.

I didn't even recognize this version of myself.

The person I thought I was would never hurt the people I cared about like this. I hadn't felt this guilty or unsure or disgusted with myself since I was 18. I thought I had grown up.

I knew I had to talk to both of them, as hard as it would be.

I also knew that I wanted Edward, that I loved Edward, that I might not be able to go back to living without Edward.

And he claimed to love me, but I seriously had my doubts about that statement. How could he love me after I left him in such a terrible way? Maybe Edward thought he loved me now, but he sure as hell wouldn't if we ever did get around to talking about our past. He was probably confusing lust and memories with a new sense of love for me.

He stopped loving me for real a long time ago.

But instead of getting in the shower like I had planned, I collapsed into bed unable to deal with the weight of everything I was feeling, everything that had happened, everything that I would have to say to them tomorrow.

To cowardly to do anything else, I fell into a restless sleep.

Everything would wait till tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

EPOV

I was planning on staying right there in the grass, not moving a fucking inch, until she agreed to talk to me.

But then the sprinklers came on.

The water felt kinda nice, calmed me down, but hopeless in love man lays on the lawn getting soaked was just a little too pathetic. Even for me.

Fuck this, I was motherfucking Edward Cullen, panty dropper extraordinaire. I was a goddamn rockstar for fucks sakes.

I got in my car, speeding off in a blind rage, not really sure what I was going to do. I didn't really give a fuck, bang some chicks, snort some coke, anything to prove to myself that she didn't fucking matter.

But eventually my vision cleared and my enraged breathing slowed. I realized that with Bella's rejection, I had somehow reverted to my fucking stupid 18 year old self.

That wasn't who I was. I never wanted that life. I was only a rockstar because Bella forced me to be.

I would have been perfectly content spending everyday with my girls, writing and playing music just for them. I didn't need or want any of this lifestyle.

I just wanted Bella.

Somehow I ended up in front of a liquor store and I just sat, thinking.

That big blinky sign brought back so many memories.

For a minute there, I thought I was going to completely blow it. It took me a year to get cleaned up after she left. I didn't see my daughter again until she was almost three.

Alcoholism. I was told it was a disease, a hereditary thing, passed down from my junky of a mother who abandoned me before I could even walk.

Bitch.

It was the bane of my fucking existence, the reason I lost Bella and missed a significant portion of my daughters short life.

At least I had gotten my shit together in recent years, yet here I was sitting in front of a goddamn liquor store. Just in fucking case. I did my best brooding and self flagellation when I was drunk.

But it just wasn't worth it.

So I just sat there, moping and scowling and hating myself and remembering all the ways I severely fucked up my life. If I hadn't been so fucking stupid and laid off the bottle a bit, Bella might love me still.

If, if, if. What a fucking waste of goddamn time.

I was glaring intently at that fucking huge ass, life-ruining sign when a hand reached thru my open window and smacked me in the back of the head.

"What the fuck?" I yelled turning to look at a furious Alice with her hands on her hips, scowling at me.

"Are you serious right now?" she said, gesturing violently in the general direction of the store.

"Alice, calm down—"

"Do you have any idea how long it took me to persuade Bella that you would never go back to this shit? That Nessie was safe with you? What the fuck Edward? What happened?" she continued, still screaming at me.

"Alice, I am not planning on going in!" I said in defense to myself.

"Then what the hell are you doing here?"

Excellent question. Mostly I was just brooding. That and reminding myself that I was different now, that maybe Bella could love me again. Maybe I had to prove I was strong enough to just sit here a not go in. To prove that I was even worthy of pursuing Bella again.

"Thinking Alice," I said, raking my hands threw my hair. "Just thinking."

"What kind of alcoholic thinks in front of a liquor store?" she huffed.

I shrugged. She had an excellent point.

"What are you doing here? Have you talked to Bella or your bastard of a husband?" I asked.

"No…" she said, looking puzzled. She slowly walked around to the passenger side and joined me in the Volvo. "Why Edward?"

"Oh, well, no reason. Just making conversation." I really didn't want to get into this. She was totally going to make me get into this.

"Edward, what were you thinking about?"

I signed heavily. There was no not answering Alice.

"Does this have something to do with operation Hail Mary?"

"Maybe."

"Edward," she whined. "Tell me what happened! I hate not knowing things."

"I just spent a lot of time with Bella yesterday. She ended up spending the night… "

"AND??"

"Well, this morning, when she finally let me bring up the topic of us and the future, Tanya may have showed up, ready to get me all dressed up for the premier tonight," I said, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"How in the hell did you let that happen?"

"I fucking forgot ok? Shit Alice, it is not like I did it on purpose."

Alice actually laughed.

"You are such a fucking idiot."

"I am well aware."

"So then what happened?"

"Does it matter Alice? The point is that she won't talk to me, she doesn't believe me when I tell her that I love her, and I am not too confidant that I will ever be able to win back her love," I said quietly, staring intently at my hands. Only Alice could get me to say all that shit out loud.

"Win back her love? Edward, something doesn't make sense. I think you need to tell me everything," she said, making it clear that I didn't have a choice.

"Everything?"

"Yeah, you and Bella's complete break up history. And can we go somewhere else please? This strip mall is so depressing."

I signed for the thousandth fucking time since Alice entered my vehicle and pulled out of the parking lot, getting on the highway and heading for the beach.

"How do you not know all this? Didn't Bella give you the gory details?" I asked.

"She wasn't really in any shape to talk back then," Alice whispered, remembering just as I was. "So start at the beginning."

"The beginning of the end you mean?"

"Yes, the beginning of the end."

"Well I guess the beginning would be when we went on our second tour, the summer after Nessie's 1st birthday. You remember," I did as she instructed and began at the beginning of the fucking end.

"Ah yes, that tour."

"Yes, Alice. THAT tour."

~*~*~

Then—

BPOV

"Diapers?" Alice asked, reading the list in her hand and surveying my packing from her perch on my bed above.

"Check," I replied.

She looked awfully satisfied when her pen scratched the paper with an efficient flick of her wrist.

"Clothes for five days? For both you and Nessie?"

"Check."

"Naughty, boy seducing under garments?"

"Alice—"

"Here they are, check!"

Several wrist flicks later, and we were done. Check, check, check.

"Are you excited to see your daddy, Nessie?" Alice crooned at my 16-month-old daughter who was nestled in between my crossed legs as she joined us on the floor.

Nessie's chubby little baby hand locked onto Alice's lip and she giggled while I planted a kiss on her thin crop of copper colored curls.

"I know I am excited to see your daddy tomorrow," I said, collapsing backwards onto the floor as Alice stole Ness from my lap, raining kisses down on her rosy cheeks. The mingled laughter of my daughter and my sister made me smile.

"Yup, momma needs some lovin'," Alice said to Nessie in between blowing raspberries on her tummy and making her squeal.

I rolled my eyes at Alice, but she was right.

I was indeed in dire need of some lovin'. I hadn't seen Edward in 2 months. The band was back in the van, touring across the country this time.

Their first album produced a healthy underground buzz, enough to garner them the opening slot for the RX Bandits, one of Edward's favorite local band. It was a huge deal, an obscenely amazing opportunity.

I was so proud of him and the high caliber quality of his music. I was so happy one of us was living our dreams.

Not that I had ever had big dreams, other then going to college and studying music theory. But leaving my daughter daily to be the coffee bitch at my father's company was definitely not where I saw my life going.

Somehow I was living too through Edward's accomplishments. Not only was our life together the main inspiration and subject matter of his music, but he actually listen to my recommendations to improve it too.

I was getting a considerable amount of producer practice working with Edward, much more then I did at my job at the production company, that was for sure.

That weekend, Vampire Sunrise was playing two shows in Colorado, one in Denver and the other Colorado Springs, the town on the Front Range where my mother lived with her baseball-playing husband. It was a great opportunity to not only see the love of my life in action, but Renee as well. She had fallen in love with Nessie, inevitably, meeting her granddaughter when she was about a week old. Renee had slipped a bit too seamlessly into the role of doting grandparent, but I wouldn't forget her original reaction to my pregnancy news.

Renee refused to be called grandma though.

The lovely part was that Edward provided the perfect excuse to spend as little time as possible with Renee. Thank God it was baseball season and the Rockies were away. Phil was one less thing to have to focus on.

This was Nessie's first flight and I had been told that babies on planes were not fun. At least she had a whole entourage to keep her entertained.

Though at first it was going to be just Nessie and me, Rosalie soon joined in, quickly followed by Alice and by extension Jasper.

The whole ace gang would be reunited in Colorado in the morning.

"Come here darling daughter," I said, reaching my hands to my little girl, still getting a thrill when she eagerly reached for me as well. This love I felt for Nessie was not something I would ever get used to or take for granted. "Time for bed. We have a big, early day tomorrow. We are going to fly in an airplane."

I swung her around in the air, making engine noises while she giggled and chanted 'pane,' 'pane', 'pane'.

We kissed Aunt Alice goodbye before starting the bedtime routine. It was a fight to brush her new tiny teeth and wrestle into her p.j's. She was far to feisty tonight but I hoped she would be out quick.

Though I usually put her in her crib and sang to her till her eyes started to drift shut, tonight I felt the need to be closer to my daughter.

Nessie was my most solid connection to Edward, and when he was away I needed her far more then she needed me. At least I had her to cope with the distance, all Edward had was Emmett.

Though he was currently living out his dream while I was stuck in the most frustrating job ever, so I guess there was good and bad for both of us.

I sat in the hand-painted-by-Alice rocker in the corner of the small nursery, cradling Nessie to my chest. She snuggled into the crook of my neck, her hand resting on directly over my heart.

Continuing with routine, I grabbed a picture of the three of us from her nightstand, pointing out daddy as she removed her hand from my chest to touch the glass.

"Daddy," she repeated, making me smile.

"We are going to see him tomorrow darling daughter," I reminded her as I kissed her forehead.

"Pane," she said, yawning now.

After a moment, I replaced the photo on the table and began to sing and rock. I settled on 'Oh Shenandoah' tonight because I still had foggy memories of Charlie singing it to Alice and I whenever we would visit.

A few bars in, I felt Nessie's lashes flutter closed against my neck and her breathing slowed indicating her deep sleep.

I finished the song and lingered, unwilling to transfer Nessie to her crib, to relinquish my hold on her.

I continued to rock as my mind filled with Edward.

In the year and 4 months since Nessie's birth, things had been hard. We were new at this parent thing, and though Ness was a remarkably easy going child, at least compared to my half brother Collin, there was still crying and pooing and constant huge responsibilities and everything to deal with. Sometimes we fought, screaming at each other about money or jealously or the band or something as stupid as forgetting to take the trash out.

But it was ok, because the make up sex was so wonderful.

Both of us had been forced to grow up real fast, something accelerated by the fact that we were living on our own.

Now that he was gone again, I missed him so much that I couldn't breathe.

During the first tour, we talked on the phone daily, but I just didn't have time this go around which made things much harder.

My days were packed. Get up at the ass crack of dawn, feeding and clothing both Nessie and myself before either taking her to Charlie's for the day or to work with me where she would go into day care. Since Edward left, I had been spending most my nights at my fathers house, not liking to sleep in our apartment without him.

I would make an effort to leave the office by six, feed both Nessie and myself again, before attempting to take my online courses. I was working towards a degree in business through the USC online program, but it was damn difficult to study with an energy filled, newly walking child tooling around and generally causing trouble.

At least when I was at Charlie's, Nessie and Collin had a grand old time keeping each other entertained.

I had talked to Edward earlier in the week, both of us anxious to be reunited. He seemed like he always seemed on the road, tired, lonely, missing me, but still getting a lot out of the experience and loving performing almost nightly.

I couldn't shake the feeling of foreboding that he was hiding something from me though.

But by tomorrow night I would be back with my rockstar, the third and most crucial side of the triangle that made up our family would be back in place. Comforted by this thought, I put Nessie in her crib and went to our bed. It still smelled like him, us, the scent preserved from weeks of disuse.

I was only able to fall asleep was face down in his pillow.

~*~*~

"Ah, smell that fresh mountain air? I fucking love Colorado," Jasper exclaimed as we finally wound our way out of the DIA airport.

I glared at him, gesturing to the restless baby he held on his hip.

"Sorry Bella," he said, looking properly ashamed at his foul mouth. My Nessie hears no cuss words ever campaign was tough one, all the adults in her life swore like sailors.

I was just happy she hadn't picked up on any of them. Yet.

"Where are the mountains anyway?" Rosalie said, looking irritated. "Are they those little hills way the heck out there?"

"Yes Rose, but trust me. They are not hills. We are just real far away right now. Wait till we get to the Springs," Alice said as she lead the way to the bus that would take us to the rental car.

We were meeting the boys at a hotel in downtown Denver, close to where they would be playing at a small venue called the Gothic the following night. I texted Edward the second we landed, telling him we would see him soon, but he had yet to reply.

We arrived at the rental counter and Alice took care of getting us a nice mini van capable of accommodating all of us.

Despite the size of the vehicle, I was not looking foreword to getting Nessie back in a car seat. She was already antsy from he first flight ever, so I set her down in the waiting room, hoping that some amount of tooling around would exhaust her enough for her to fall asleep once we were back in the car.

Thank God it was only 35 minutes to the hotel.

Chasing Nessie around the waiting room served to only wear me out, and I was relieved when Alice finally ushered us to the parking lot.

"I really do prefer my Porsche," Alice grumbled as she saw the mini van, handing the keys over to Jasper in distaste.

"But it really is not very practical," I commented, struggling with the car seat.

"But it is really fast," she said, still pouting.

We loaded all our crap into the trunk, most of it was Alice and Rosalie's which was ridiculous being as I was the one with the baby. They had more luggage then me, despite Nessie stroller and portable crib.

We were on the road and Alice was fiddling with the stereo as Nessie kicked her feet and pulled on my hair. When Alice had gone around all the stations twice, I sighed. Digging through my bag until I found a CD, I handed it to Alice who looked at it in confusion.

"Is this that Jerry Garcia, David Grisman album? We used to listen to this with Charlie when we were really little," she squeaked, excited now. "Oh I loved this CD, do you remember Bella?"

"Of course silly. Edward remembered me mentioning it one day and went out and bought it before he left. Nessie loves it."

She nodded and put on the children's album. It kept Nessie entertained, and she clapped while Alice and I sang along at the top of our lungs. But after 20 minutes Nessie's eyes closed, just as I had hoped so we turned down the music and continued in near silence.

We were fast approaching the hotel now so I called Edward again but he still wasn't answering.

I tried Emmett at Rosalie's suggestion, breathing a sigh of relief when he picked up.

"ISA-FUCKING-BELLA SWAN SOON TO BE CULLEN, are yah almost here?" he yelled into the phone without a preliminary hello.

"Yea we will be there in about 10. Is Edward with you?" I asked.

"Ummm… well no actually. Last I saw he was with Sam." Emmett's voice sounded funny, both slightly annoyed and concerned.

"Is he all right?"

"Yea, he is fine Bella," he rushed, wanting to change the subject. "Is Rose there? Can I talk to her pretty please?"

"I suppose," I said before handing my phone behind me to Rosalie. Emmett had worried me, but I guess I would see for myself why he was acting so weird.

Rose and Emmett stayed on the phone until we pulled up to the front of the small hotel, leaping into each others arms the second the car came to a stop. I cringed at their far to graphic reunion, looking behind them, edger to partake in my own version.

But he wasn't there.

Emmett gathered as much of our stuff as he could fit into his massive arms and led us to the elevator while Jasper and Alice checked in. I carried my daughter, trying to not to wake her. We up around 4 this morning and she needed to sleep.

Emmett and Edward had splurged this weekend, each getting their own room. This was as huge improvement being as all 4 boys typically spent the night in the van or crammed into one cheap hotel room.

Emmett directed us his room, dumping our bags unceremoniously on the bed.

Nessie had awoken in my arms as the door slammed closed behind me, yawning into my neck.

"Hey there, sweet girl," I crooned as I swayed. "We are here in Colorado."

"Nessie!" Emmett bellowed, stalking toward me and bending to look my daughter in the eye. "Look at how big you are."

This was the typical reaction of those who hadn't seen her in a few weeks and it freaked me out. I didn't want her growing up so fast.

She smiled and batted her eyelashes at him, placing a little hand on his big face as if silently communicating how happy she was to see him. Nessie wasn't a big talker, yet, but she seemed to get her message across well enough without actually making any noise.

I handed her off to her uncle, frowning. I was itching to see Edward and Emmett was going on and on about Nessie larger size.

"Emmett," I whined, stomping my feet and feeling like a child in my frustration. "Where is he? Why isn't he answering his phone? Why are you acting so weird?"

Emmett sighed dramatically and perched my daughter on his hip.

"I am not sure Bella, I haven't seen him all day. Let's go check Sam's room, alright?" he said as he handed Ness to Rose. "Do you mind waiting here?" he asked his girlfriend.

"No, Edward will want to see her," I said, really fucking irritated with Emmett now.

"Bella, you don't want Nessie anywhere near that whole wing of the hotel, believe me."

Well wasn't that just fucking great.

With this ominous statement he turned and stalked out of the small room, forcing me to rush to keep up. We walked in a tense silence the short distance down the hall around the corner and I was really nervous now.

Emmett banged on the door that was opened by a scantily clad redhead a moment later. The air emanating from the dark room was stale, reeking of pot and skunked beer.

This was just getting better by the moment.

"Hey, Em," said the tall, far to sexy to be anywhere near Edward women before us. "Who is your friend?"

She looked me up and down while I became aware that there was applesauce smeared across the hip of my worn, holey jeans and that Ness had done a number on my hair.

"Heidi, this is Bella. Is Edward—"

"BELLA? Who said what about Bella?" Edwards velvet voice was accompanied by a loud crash, the sound of someone landing on the floor, the deep rumble of some male that wasn't Edward laughter, and bottles clanging. The noise continued until the door was opened all the way and he stood before me in all his glory.

"Hello big brother," Edward slurred, swaying slightly where he stood as he tried to get his eyes to focus on Emmett. "What did you say about my Bella? I will be seeing her quite soon, Nessie too. I miss them."

Apparently he hadn't noticed me yet. He looked so sad and pathetic. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around his waist, kiss his jaw, and make him smile.

"Close that fucking door," someone, probably Sam, called from inside the room. Heidi gave me one last glare before disappearing behind the door once more, leaving Edward, Emmett, and I alone in the hallway.

"Edward," I said quietly, touching his hand. I was so happy to see him, but so disappointed at the same time.

He forgot we were coming yet I had talked to him two days ago. He was drunk, probably high too, off his ass yet it was the middle of the day.

I didn't like this at all.

He jumped at my touch and looked at me in confusion.

"Bella?" he said again, tentatively. "Are you real?"

He took a staggering step toward me and touched my face. I didn't have it in me to hold onto my mad.

I missed him so much.

I nodded and breathed a sigh of relief when he pulled me to him, cradling my head against his chest. There it was, wholeness, peace, feeling like myself again for the first time since I last time we saw him.

But then I tired to inhale his Edward-y scent and could only slightly detect it. It was masked with smoke and booze.

He mumbled drunkenly into my hair.

This was bad.

I pulled back to look at him, causing my worry to mount considerably. He looked as horrible as someone so beautiful could possibly look. His face was pale, reinforcing the dark bags under his eyes. His hair was greasy and standing on end, from his hands running through it countless times. He had even lost weight, something that was difficult to notice on his already skinny frame. But I was well acquainted with that body and there was definitely less of it.

"Oh Edward," I said, rubbing my thumbs over those dark circles. "What have you done to yourself?"

"I am fine," he dismissed. "You are early."

"No, I am here exactly when I told you I would be here."

"But you are here on Thursday, I am counting down the days on my phone." His hands felt all his pockets for his phone before reaching for me again, unsuccessful in their mission.

"It is Thursday Edward," interjected Emmett.

Edwards face contorted as he focused, obviously trying to account for those lost hours that he had spent high or drunk. He continued to look miserable, rubbing his hands vigorously over his face in an attempt to get his shit together.

"Where is Nessie?" Edward asked, resting his forehead mine and looking terribly distraught.

"With Rose in our room," replied Emmett flashing me a look of concern. "Why don't you take a shower or something first man, you fucking reek."

Edward opened and closed his mouth a few times, glaring as if he was going to argue with his brother. But he finally nodded his head once in agreement before turning back to me.

"Will you come with me? Please, I don't want to be apart from you anymore," he whined, sounding so unlike himself.

As if he had to even ask.

"Of course. Where else would I be?"

We got to Edward's room and he started to pat down his pockets again, looking for the key. I glanced at Emmett, trying not to look as terrified as I felt, and raised a questioning eyebrow.

Was this a one time thing? Had Edward's partying really gotten this bad? It was barely past 1 o'clock and not only was he hammered but I doubted he had been to bed that night. How could I possible not know? Edward made it sound like he preferred to avoid this whole drunken rockstar scene, only rarely joining in the festivities.

And if all that was true and this was a one-time thing, why the fuck did he look like a fucking vampire hankering for a hit of blood?

Emmett nodded at me and held a hand up, indicating that we would talk later. Damn right we would talk later. I couldn't be mad at Edward because he looked so helpless and I missed him too much. Emmett was a convenient person to transfer all these emotions to and I abruptly decided that this whole disaster was all his fault.

All I wanted was my idealized reunion with our family.

Edward continued to fumble around his pockets.

The key was just peaking out of the back pocket of his dirty, skinny jeans but his drunken fingers kept passing it unnoticed. I took pity on him and grabbed the key myself, opening the door and giving Emmett one last look before I slammed it in his face.

Without even bothering to flick on the light, Edward somehow managed to find my hips in the dark, grinding his pelvis into mine.

I held back a moan and reminded myself that he was drunk and smelly.

"Lets get you cleaned up," I suggested in the most steady voice possible. "Don't you want to see your daughter?"

"Fuck yes I do, lets go!" He marched into the bathroom and I followed, grabbing his toothbrush, adding the toothpaste, and handing it to him as I went.

When his eyes finally focused on the brush, he slowly took it from me and looked sheepish.

"That bad, huh?" he asked before beginning to clean his mouth.

I just nodded, not sure what to do or say. I was so conflicted, having no idea how to handle the situation.

After a few minutes he went to spit, tripping slightly as he worked his way to the countertop, barely making it to the sink.

I was just thrilled he didn't vomit.

"What time is it?" he asked me.

"About 1:15."

"On Thursday?" he asked weakly.

"On Thursday," I nodded.

"Bella, I am so sorry. Last time I heard it was still Tuesday. I didn't even know we were in Denver. We are in Denver, right?"

Needing to so something with my hands, I efficiently removed his disgusting shirt before confirming this statement.

He had been on this bender since Tuesday? He didn't even know where he was? He forgot Nessie and I were arriving today?

"Edward, what have you been doing? And don't tell me you are ok, you don't look ok. How much have you been drinking?"

I closed my eyes and bit my lip after turning on the shower, letting it warm up, hoping it would bring a little life back into my once healthy and functioning boyfriend.

"Goddamn, not you too Bella. Emmett wont get off my balls about it, but I really am fine. I just miss you, so much I hurt all over. But you wont hear me complaining, I wont complain to you."

This wasn't the time to be having this conversation. He was so drunk he was practically incoherent.

While I stood there with my eyes still closed, I felt his hands work the button on my jeans, grazing my stomach with his calloused fingers as he did so. I shivered despite my worry.

I wanted him, as usual.

"Please don't be mad Bella. I am so sorry, for everything."

I continued to avoid looking at him, concentrating on controlling the desire, hurt, and concern that were raging through every nook and cranny of my body.

"You are my sunshine," Edward began to sing, his loud voice reverberating off the walls with exaggerated falsetto, being purposefully obnoxious in an attempt to make me happy again and earn my forgiveness.

My mouth twitched towards a smile, as much as I didn't want it too.

"My only sunshine."

He pulled my Red Hot Chili Peppers t-shirt over my head and I let him, arms falling passively to my sides when it was gone. Still I tried not to grin at how cheesy he was being.

"You make me happy, when skies are grey."

He stepped out of his own pants and pulled mine to my ankles while the smile finally broke through.

"You'll never know dear, how much I love you."

He wrapped his arms around my body and picked me up, walking backwards toward the shower as he removed the rest of my close and his. I was giggling now, even though I was concerned that he would drop me in his drunken state.

"Please don't take my sunshine away."

He whispered this last line in my ear as he set me down in the shower, all traces of humor gone now, saying it with such conviction, it made me shake a little. We were under the stream and I tried to let the warm water relax me.

It didn't.

"I am not going anywhere Edward," I told him, looking at him in the eye to convey how serious I was. "But I am so worried about you."

Edward staggered towards me, burying his face in my neck sobbing slightly. He was the one shaking now.

It was really alarming.

I had seen Edward pissed off and jubilant, anti social and charming, scared and melancholy.

But never before had I seen him broken like this.

He was the strong one.

"I miss you… Nessie… I cant… I need…" he hiccupped.

I locked my arms around his neck, trying to reassure him with my presence.

"Shush, Edward. I am right here, it is ok."

"I am drunk," he stammered.

"I know," I replied.

"I am drunk a lot," he continued.

"Oh Edward—"

"Please Bella," he said, kissing my neck and pushing my body against the wet wall with his. "I need you, I need you to need me."

And I did, so much that it was a little frightening.

I kissed him, slow and deep, relieved that the water was washing away the stench of smoke and booze. The downpour was the great equalizer, stripping us both down till we were consumed by the most fundamental human instincts.

He hoisted me, wrapping my leg around his hips and holding me against the wall of the shower, pressing into me without much prelude for which I was thankful.

I needed him, needed to show him I needed him.

As we moved together, I could feel our love swirling around us like a living, tangible thing enveloping us just like the steam from the shower.

After, Edward was completely out of it, beyond the point of extreme exhaustion and practically asleep on his feet. It was a miracle out little shower interlude happened at all, given his state.

I wondered when he had last been to bed.

Supporting his weight, I managed to get him tucked in. He grabbed my arm and brought me with him.

"Don't go, stay," he murmured.

Though I needed to get back to Nessie and talk to Emmett, I indulged us both, cuddling up to him for awhile before I too was on the verge of sleep, indicating that it was time to go. Checking to make sure he was really out, I crawled out of bed and back into my clothes, silently leaving the room and feeling guilty for doing so.

~*~*~

EPOV

Waking up with my head on the verge of exploding and my limbs feeling disconnected from my body was the norm at this point. When I went to bed at all that was. I couldn't sleep much, none at all sober. But we were on a fucking rock and roll tour, so booze was plentiful. Thank the powers that be.

But this time something was different. I was in a bed for one. Also, I was naked. Which really freaked me out. I never slept naked, just in boxers.

Obviously in this Bella-less time, naked was not the norm.

But this morning or evening or whatever-the-fuck time it was, I was naked. Slowly my brain processed that I was indeed alone, in an itchy bed that smelled like her.

Why the fuck would they smell like her? Was I breathing phantom smells now? Sometimes, when I was only half drunk and I focused really hard, I could conjure her image and pretend she was really here with me.

But at least I would be with both of them soon. In one day. It had to be Wednesday by now, right?

My body was curved, arms reaching out to hold someone who wasn't there. But her scent sure as hell was. Lord, this was torturous.

I fucking hated being on tour, being away from my family. I felt so disconnected from everything I cared about, Bella, Nessie, and even my music.

Which was ironic, I know.

The worst, besides the traveling and the groupies, was that I was fucking missing stuff. Nessie was growing up so fucking fast, much faster then I would have liked, while I was miserably gallivanting around the country. Supposedly living my goddamn dream.

But this somehow, was what Bella wanted, which arose all sorts of doubts within me. Maybe she didn't really love me and preferred that I be around less. Maybe she was seeing someone else.

There was this shifty fellow, James, that worked with her who was far to friendly to a women with a baby and a fucking engagement ring on her finger. Plus there was the always present threat of Jacob fucking Black.

The bottom line was Bella wanted me to do this, she was proud of me. If this made her happy then it made me happy.

Tentatively I opened an eye, thrilled that the room was pitch black. I spent a good amount of time avoiding the goddamn light these days.

I rolled over, glancing at the clock.

9:48

If that was fucking AM or fucking PM, I had not a goddamn clue.

Bracing myself, I begrudgingly turned on the light, really needing to know why the fuck I was naked and what the fuck day it was. Sitting on the bedside table was a tall glass of water, a bottle of aspirin, my cell phone, and a note.

_Hey there rockstar,_

_We are here in Colorado, thanks for the warm welcome. _

_The whole gang is going out to dinner and should be back around 8._

_But you will probably sleep through that because, according to Emmett, you don't really sleep anymore and you need to catch up. _

_I just couldn't bear to wake you. _

_After dinner we will be next door, in Em & Rose's room. _

_I love you,_

_B_

Oh my holy fucking shit. She was here? So it was Thursday? She was on the other side of this wall with my daughter and best friends? And they had been here for 9 fucking hours and I had been passed out drunk and alone.

What the fuck was I doing?

I leapt out of bed, rushing around the room, picking up clothes and discarding them until I finally found a clean outfit, hating myself all the while.

I had wasted so much time.

Seconds later, I was pounding on Emmett's door. Rose opened it with a smirk.

"Hey there sleepy head, nice to see that drunk-y has arisen. Finally," she drawled.

"Yea, I missed you too, Rosalie. How could I not, what with you inherent charm and sweet demeanor," I replied, looking beyond her into the room.

Jasper sat in the corner in an oversized chair with Alice on his lap. She was bouncing and smiling, happy to see me. Emmett was sprawled across the bed, shaking his head at me but smiling none the less, thrilled to be with Rose. Lastly my eyes fell on Bella who was sitting Indian style on the floor, leaning up against the foot of the bed, surrounded by a plethora of toys and looking fuck all beautiful.

I had a flashback to a moment in the hotel room shower and hoped that it really happened.

The next moment a curly little head popped up from the far side of the bed and tottled over to me, walking on unsteady feet, until she got to me, wrapping her little arms around my legs.

For a moment I was too shocked to move, but then she smiled and I bent, picking her up and raining kisses down on her rosy cheeks.

"Hey there little girl, you are huge! She is walking!" I exclaimed, looking at Bella who smiled.

"I told you," she said, rising from her spot by the bed and walking over to me. I put my free arm around her shoulders and kissed her quickly, struggling to feel good when I hated pretty much everything about myself.

I sure as fuck didn't hate them though, quite the opposite.

And Bella had told me how, after months of Nessie seeming completely content to just crawl between destinations, Nessie just popped up one day walking with a confidence of someone who had been doing it for a real fucking long time.

And I missed it.

"Smile Edward, we are all together now," Bella whispered in my ear, knowing just what I felt as always.

"Daddy," Nessie yelled, smiling and giggling as she clapped her hands against my cheeks before letting lose with a big yawn.

I smiled.

"I love you Nessie," I said, continuing to kiss her face. She snuggled closer, wrapping her arms around my neck.

"So, Edward, how has the tour been?" Rose asked is that falsely sweet tone that I fucking hated.

"Fine, it has been fine," I replied. Emmett snorted, Bella looked concerned, Rose looked pleased.

I kissed Bella's forehead. "Really, it has been great. RXB is great. The shows are great. I just had a rough night, ok?"

She nodded and gave me a look, clearly saying that we would talk about it later.

"Well, this isn't even a little bit awkward. I for one, am excited to see you guys rock out tomorrow night," said Alice, bouncing over to wrap her little arms around all three of us.

"Damn right," Jasper said joining in our group hug.

Emmett bounded over, never one to be left out, dragging a cringing Rosalie with him. I was trying to be annoyed by their collective obnoxiousness, but then Nessie starting laughing and Emmett gave Alice a noogie and Bella lay her head on my shoulder.

I smiled. Again.

I closed my eyes, trying to absorb all this love but there was no fucking way I would be able to get enough to last me until September.

~*~*~

"They are really good. I mean, I liked them before, but now… Wow, they are really good." Bella was sitting on an amp while I stood next to her, backstage listening to the first opener played. My arms enveloped her waist and her hands were playing with my hair.

I was so wrapped up in the sensation that I wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying. So I just nodded my head in agreement, letting out a few 'yups'.

She pulled on my ear, turning my head so that I was looking at her.

Goddamn she was pretty.

"I knew you weren't listening to me. They are crap. Everyone knows they are crap. That they are even on the same stage as you is crap."

"You are so beautiful," I told her.

"Not as beautiful as you." She blushed, I groaned.

"Bella, I am always telling you, manly. Manly and tough."

I started flashing her the guns in an iron man demonstration, causing her to double over in laughter.

I suppose I was a bit skinny and pale these days but she didn't have to find my macho man display so goddamn funny.

But then she pulled her back to her with her feet, winding her fingers threw my hair again and kissing me.

Damn, I had missed this. There had to be some way to be perpetually kissing Bella.

"Do you have any idea what seeing you onstage does to me?" she sighed in my ear, teeth grazing my lobe.

I groaned in frustration.

Bella and I had only had sex once since she got to Colorado yesterday and I didn't fucking remember it.

I vowed not to drink until she and Ness left. Well, to drink less. I didn't think I was capable of going on stage with some sort of fix.

Between my blackout and the presence of our daughter, which don't get me wrong I loved every minute of, I hadn't gotten nearly enough special Bella time.

But tonight, Jasper, god bless his southern-self, offered to watch Nessie during the show. This was the last place I wanted my daughter to be. Jasper, having a big test to study for next week, agreed to stay at the hotel with our daughter.

Tomorrow night, we would be in the Springs where Bella's mother lived and Grandma Dwyer would be watching Nessie. I didn't particularly like this solution, given Renee's flightiness and past, but Alice and Bella assured me that it would be fine.

I fully intended to put to good use the kindness of our babysitters but dragging Bella into a closet or something and taking advantage of her.

But that was later. Right now I would just make out with her until it was time to go on stage.

"You are aware that you are driving me crazy, right?" I asked as she pulled me closer still, tightly synching me to her with her legs.

"Just thinking about you being on stage drives me crazy. You are aware of how gosh darn sexy you are, right?" she asked, looking up at me under her thick eyelashes.

I was about to cart her off to the nearest empty room when the loud music stopped and Seth punched me in the shoulder.

"Hey, quit attacking Bella. It is time to set up," he said, looking slightly embarrassed.

Begrudgingly I followed Seth, looking over my shoulder every few seconds at Bella who was biting her lip and generally just being a sex goddess. When everything was ready, the band gathered in a circle, passing around a bottle of Jack and a joint. I took the first, skipping the second, not wanting to reek of pot around Bella or my daughter.

I continued to glance over at Bella. At one point, Heidi, who supposedly had a job with the tour but really only seemed to just skank around, attempting to get into every would be rockstar's pants. Including mine. I am proud so say that even horribly drunk I had no interest in anyone but Bella. Heidi was leering at Bella while my ladylove looked down right hostile. I was going to intervene, but the next time I glanced over, Heidi was replaced by Alice and Rosalie so everything seemed ok.

We played a good show and the crowd was receptive. Sam joked about how I was practically married to practically a local, Bella was enchanted as usual, and Rose and Alice danced around her. I could see them out of the corner of my eye, but them just being here made me play better, feel better.

Bella didn't get to see much of the RX Bandits, something she pseudo pouted about but when I stepped aside to let her leave the storage closet she laughed and unbuckled my pants.

Goddamn I loved her.

Despite my fuck head actions in the beginning of the trip, I liked to think I was making up for it.

The next day, I swapped places with Rose, opting to ride with Jasper, Alice, Bella, and Ness in the mini van to Colorado Springs. Bella and Alice were an odd combination of excited and resentful.

"I know that I complain about Renee and our summer's in Colorado," commented Alice, as the famous C. Springs mountain, Pike's Peak, loomed in the windshield. "But it really wasn't all bad."

"We should spend the day in Manitou," Bella suggested. "I am craving maté."

"Maté?" I asked.

"It is this yummy tea stuff that isn't tea that they serve at the great little place in Manitou that is run by a cult," said Alice. "It is like the one place open in the Springs later then 11. We used to spend every night there. Hanging out with the hippies and such."

They continued to talk about their summers in the Springs until the summer before Bella was in 8th grade and I busied myself, tracing patterns farther and farther up her tights, satisfied when she would gasp and glare, bating my hands away causing me to start over.

Goddamn I missed her.

Bella was better at it then me, managing this distance. She somehow balanced work and school and Nessie flawlessly. I couldn't even function without the assistance of a substance. And I knew I should be better for her, but I just didn't see another alternative. I hadn't broken my non-complaining vow I took a year ago even though I so badly wanted to tell her how fucking horrible being on tour was.

Sam was an asshole who turned into an even bigger asshole when on coke which was most of the time. Seth was too happy, Emmett too observing. I spent most of my nights, drunk, alone, in an attempt the parade of repulsive women, reading to molest anything that can play an instrument. Heidi was always around, eyeing me like her fucking prey. The record executives' were around too much too, always suggesting in a way that was actually insisting, that we change somehow in order to boost our mainstream appeal. It was little things, like cutting Seth's hair, changing my clothes, or determining the order of our set. But how many concessions would I have to make before I attained my goal of being able to support my family this way. And what would I have to give up?

My personality? My music? My maybe fiancé and daughter?

I don't think so.

We finally arrived to Renee's home where the ace gang would be spending the next two nights. Fuck, the place was huge, rivaling even Charlie's home for square footage.

"This is your childhood home?" I whispered in her ear as I helped her out of the car, thinking of our small townhome in Evanston.

"No, Renee and Phil moved here a couple years after we went to live with Charlie, once Phil started doing well with the Rockies," she explained as she turned unbuckle a squirming Nessie from her car seat.

Liking the way Bella looked with Nessie in her arms, I kissed them both. First a quick peck for Ness followed by a deep lingering one for Bella.

I might have gotten a little carried away so when someone yelled in triumph behind me I pulled away hastily. Renee, wild mass of brown hair flying around her head, propelled herself toward us.

"Don't be silly my dear boy," Renee said to me as she pulled Alice into a tight embrace. "I wasn't born in a box, I know want teenagers get up too. I was one myself."

Oh I knew what Renee was getting up to in her youth, it resulted in my best friend and the love of my life.

"My Isabella," Renee cooed after she was done working over Alice. I worried she would strangle my beloved. "Oh it has been way to long… months and months since I have seen you, years and years since you have been home."

"Hi Renee," Bella said as she pulled away from her mother and reached for my hand. "You remember Edward."

"Hello," I replied, offering her a hand in greeting.

"Edward!" she yelled again, throwing her arms around my neck and effectively shocking the hell out of me. "It is so wonderful to see you again. Aren't you handsome? Look at him Bella, isn't he just gorgeous?"

I turned my startled gaze onto Bella and she just smirked at me, rolling her eyes as her mother. Jasper laughed and Alice looked mildly annoyed.

"I sure think so," Bella commented.

"Me too. Excellent. And there is my beautiful granddaughter. Look at how big you are!" Renee yelled. Ness, alarmed at the enthusiasm of this foreign women, got all shy, burying her head in Bella's neck and peaking out at Renee with worried eyes.

Renee pulled a cochie-coo, attempting to tickle Ness before she turned her attentions to Jasper.

"Hello young man, I don't believe we have met. Are you with the band?" Alice and Bella groaned in unison while Jasper smirked, as if he expected this reaction.

"Mom," Alice said with barely controlled rage. "This is my boyfriend, Jasper. You have met him every time you visited us in Cali. He even came home with us once."

"Really? Humm. Anyway, inside yes. Follow me. Now I have Bella's room all set up and Alice's. There is also a guest room in the basement that you two boys can share."

I exchanged a quick glance with Jasper, not pleased about this prospect.

"Renee," Bella said, working really hard to be calm. This Renee time wasn't going well at all. "Edward I live together. We have a child together. Don't you think it would be ok if we slept in the same room, with our daughter?"

Yes, that sounded much better.

"Do you really think that would be appropriate? I mean, what would Charlie say? For years he hounded me about my responsibility to look after you when you are here and I wouldn't want to let your father down," Renee said, being completely ridiculous.

"What? Do you really believe that Charlie thinks that we don't share a bed at our apartment?" Bella sneered.

"Sorry my darling, I am just listening to Charlie's orders. Fulfilling my motherly responsibilities and all."

God, Bella's mom was one controlling piece of work.

"We aren't kids anymore Renee," Alice said quietly. "Maybe if you would have taken his advice back then, things would be different now. But I am almost 20 years old and have been dating this man for half my life so he will be sharing my bed tonight."

She finished her spiel, grabbed Jasper's hand, and led him upstairs.

Leaving Bella and I to deal with Renee who went on, pretending nothing happened.

"Anyway, I am going to spend the next two days trying to get you both to move out here. A child needs to be around her family after all," Renee said, taking a disgruntled looking Nessie from Bella's arms. Bella didn't look pleased about it either so I grabbed her hand. "Now, have you completely discounted college as an option? Because if not, I think you should apply here."

She progressed to rattle on about the many great schools of Colorado and I was glad I didn't actually have to answer the question.

College pre-baby had always been iffy for me. All I really wanted to do was make music. I couldn't balance Bella, the baby, the band, and school.

It was obvious what was the first to go.

I turned again to make sure Bella was holding in there. I knew seeing Renee was never easy for her and, upon actually meeting the woman, I was beginning to understand the depth of my beloved's lingering childhood pain.

I just wanted to kiss her until she forgot about all the bad stuff.

"Oh my God Bella! This is the first time you will see the expanded backyard, with the pool and stables. We had to sell the Moorefield house to do it, but well worth it I would say."

"You sold our old house?" Bella said, looking sad and shocked. "You didn't tell me that."

"I am almost certain that I did. Or at least I told Alice."

"We are not the same person Renee," Bella said, sounding empty again. "And you didn't because she would have told me."

"And why do you even care, sweetheart? It is not like you ever visit," Renee said back, trying to cover her harsh world with a sweet tone and failing.

She still sounded like a bitch to me.

"You know very well why I don't visit Renee," Bella said.

"I don't have the slightest idea what you are talking about," replied Renee as she played with a lock of Nessie's hair. I had to squeeze Bella's hand to keep myself from ripping my daughter from the arms of this women that perpetually let the people I cared about down.

"The baby-daddy doubt drunken conversation Renee? And I know you remember. So tell me, Mom, who exactly is my father? Not that it really matters to me because I will always have Charlie, but I must say I am kinda curious."

Oh shit.

Only once had Bella talked about the questions surrounding her paternity with me. And even then she didn't say much. I knew that is had caused the zombie state and eventually acceptance into the Groupies, but I thought she was pretty over it.

But how could she be? Every time she looked at, talked to, or thought about Renee not only was she reminded about this huge question mark surrounding her life, but also what a selfish person her mother was.

And there was no one less selfish then Bella.

"Do be ridiculous. Of course Charlie is your father. That whole conversation was a joke. I didn't even meet Phil until I was already pregnant with you," Renee scoffed.

Bella, much like Charlie did when we told him about the baby, turned every color of the rainbow.

"Fuck you Renee," she muttered as she took Nessie from her mother and walked slowly up the stairs.

"So," Renee said, turning to me. "How about a cookie Edward? Fresh out the oven."

I politely declined, opting instead to follow Bella up the stairs, finishing off the remainder of my flask as I did so.

~*~*~

BPOV

"Edward, stop mooning over me. I have my iced chai mate. I am with you and my daughter in my favorite town on the planet. I am fine," I said as we sat outside the Mate Factor in Manitou Springs, Colorado. It wasn't a total lie. A long time ago, I stopped taking anything that came out of Renee's mouth seriously. Every time I listened, she shattered my world entirely.

We all had our theories about how she managed to be so destructive, all the time, but I thought Alice's was the best.

"Renee sees how great we both turned out. You are such an amazing person and Renee has to live with the fact that she had no part of that. If anything, we turned out good despite of Renee's parenting, not because of it," Alice told me as we sat backstage with Jasper, waiting for the show to start last night. "And that, my dear sister, pisses her the fuck off. So she screws with other people heads to distract her from the fact that she has failed at pretty much everything she ever set out to do. I think that is why she always pretends to have never met Jasper."

"What do I do now Alice? I am so mad at her. She made me totally question who I was once. I wasted years hiding with the Groupies. Did you know that Edward had a crush on me in 8th grade? I sat next to him in English but I don't even remember it."

"Well, you are older now. Out of that whole puberty stage, you know who you are. So either go with what you have gone with all along. That Charlie is your dad no matter what or find out for sure."

"I don't know how do find out for sure without Charlie finding out, and I don't want to hurt him anymore then Renee already has."

"Bella, Charlie is our father, no matter what some meaningless test says. So why bother. Maybe just casually ask him about when Renee and Phil met," Alice suggested.

"Casually?"

"Yup. You are going to be fine Bella. This doesn't change anything."

And my sister was right.

But Edward wasn't so easily persuaded.

"I am just concerned. I don't think I like your mother very much," he said, frowning at me.

"I think that you are just focusing on this to avoid talking about your drunken ways," I said smiling at Nessie on his lap as she crushed up her carob cooking on the table.

"Bella, there is nothing to talk about. It was one bad night. Well, day. It was one bad night and day," he said, flashing that crooked grin in an attempt to distract me.

I sighed and contemplated brining up the fact that he tasted like booze last night and that I saw him spiking his mate. Why gunk up something so perfect?

I hated Edward being on tour. I hated that he got drunk at all when there were vultures like Heidi around.

"It is pretty selfish of you, chica," she growled at me during the first show on Friday. "Keeping Edward on such a short leash. You should just let him do whatever, or should I say who ever, he wants. You would make a lot of girls happy. Edward too. I cant believe he is blue balling himself over you."

I wished I had a snappy retort to defend both my and Edwards honor, but I was too shocked to say anything. In the end, Rosalie threatened to pop Heidi's implants if she didn't stay the fuck away from both our men.

I really hated Heidi, almost as much as I hated Edward being away from me. But I would not hold him back, he would not be kept from his dreams because of me. I was not selfish enough to prevent him from doing what he loved, I was not Renee.

But in the end, I decided not to say anything about it. We would be back on a plane tomorrow morning and Edward would be back in the van. It hurt to even think about.

"So you are saying that I have absolutely no reason to be worried," I clarified.

"You have absolutely not reason to be worried about anything, sunshine. I love you."

"So you say," I said, smiling, still not completely satisfied with the conversation.

"It is only the truth. Isn't it Nessie? I love your mama, just like I love you!" Edward said as he bounced her on his knees.

"Ma, ma, ma, ma," squealed Nessie in delight.

We finished our drinks a wandered around the quaint streets of this hippy town in the mountains, keeping an eye out for the rest of the gang who had wandered off to give us some family time under the rouse of wanting to shop.

Actually, they probably did want to shop.

"Damn, it smells good here," Edward said, looking up at the mountains and taking a deep breath of that Colorado air. He walked next to me, arm around me while I pushed Nessie's stroller.

My reply, however, was cut short when I heard a deep voice calling my name.

"BELLA? Holy shit, is that you?" I turned to see a tall, hulking boy stalk towards us and instantly smiled.

"Felix? Oh my god, you grew up!" Felix had lived down street from us on our old street. We grew up together, best friends until I moved to Cali. I spent just about every summer after that with him until I was 13. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss.

He picked me up in a hug and spun me in a circle.

"You got tall!" I said when he put me down.

"And you got hot. I mean, day-umm," he said, eyes running over me from head to toe, lingering awkwardly. I glanced at Edward and was not pleased to see that he noticed too. "What are you doing here? Why didn't you call me?"

"I am just in town for two days. Felix, this is my boyfriend Edward, I am here to see his band play. Edward, this is my friend Felix, he lived down the street from us," I said, willing Edward to uncross his arms from his chest and stop glaring at my old friend.

"Actually, Bella and I are married. It was a lovely ceremony in my backyard and I still have that ring pop wedding band somewhere," he said without turning to look at Edward.

Internally I groaned. Marriage was still a bit of a sore subject with Edward. I was dragging my feet to the altar, wanting our lives to be a bit more stable before we made that commitment, and he didn't like it.

"Well we were 6 and Alice officiated so I am pretty sure it doesn't count," I said, trying to relieve some of the tension rolling off Edward. Felix, on the other hand, didn't seem to notice. "So what are you doing these days?"

"Well I am going to Colorado College, downtown and working at here on weekends. Yup, I am a shopkeeper. Wait a minute, who is this?" he asked, noticing Nessie who had fallen asleep in her stroller next to us for the first time.

I smiled with pride at showing off my daughter, but it was strange at the same time. Felix and I had been inseparable, but now he was in college and I was a mom. It was just weird to think about how much we both changed.

"This is our daughter, Vanessa. Nessie," I explained to Felix as he leaned down to get a closer look. Edward tensed further if that was even possible and I sent him a look that clearly said behave yourself if you want any lovin tonight.

It had not escaped my knowledge that he had yet to say anything at all to Felix.

"Wow, Bella. You're a mommy!" he exclaimed, shaking my shoulders slightly in excitement. Edward growled and removed the hand nearest him.

The two men glared at each other for a moment before Felix turned back to me, smirking.

"That is one cute kid Belly. Of course it would have been cuter if I was the father, but whats done is done," he said as he tucked my hair behind my ear, fingers lingering of a moment.

And then they were removed as Edward shoved him backwards, hard.

The rest was a blur of activity, Felix shoving Edward, Edward punching Felix, Nessie crying as I pulled her into my arms, screaming at them to stop, terrified at the grunts and grasps they let out a they wailed on each other.

For a fight that was broken up moments later by Jasper and Emmett, it sure produced a lot of blood. Felix's eye was already swollen, and he left clutching his bleeding nose, yelling at me that he hoped I had a good fucking life. Edward looked slightly better, only bleeding from his lip and eyebrow.

Apparently, this trip was going to end just about as happy as it started.

~*~*~

EPOV

"I cant believe you are mad at me or that you ever spent any time with such a fucking dick head," I yelled as soon as we made it back to Renee's house and into Bella's room. Alice, knowing that all the quite in the car between Bella and I was a rather intense storm brewing, took Nessie the moment we got back, assuring us that our baby was in need of a bath and a better outfit.

"I can't believe my 19 year old, grown ass boyfriend attacked one of my oldest friends in front of our daughter!" she screamed back.

"He— but— Nessie— Marriage—" I sputtered, so angry that I couldn't even talk right.

"I don't care what he did or what he said, it is never ok for you to go at someone like that!"

"Were you even listening to the things he said about Ness? Did you even notice that he touched you? Three fucking times," I said, pacing across the room toward her.

"It- does- not- matter- what- he- said- or- did-," Bella said, jabbing me in the chest between each word.

"Doesn't matter? Him touching you doesn't matter? Do you mean you like it Bella, huh? You wanted him touching you?" I said, still seething.

"Great. That is really nice Edward. Calling me a whore, that is just great," she said, sitting in the chair in the corner with her face in her hands, elbows balanced on her tights.

Shit. I made her look like that, not Fuck-lix. Me, the boy who loves her, who she loves back. I was such a fuck up.

"Bella," I said, knelling before her, taking her hands in mine. "That is not what I meant. I am sorry, but I just couldn't handle anything about that guy."

"Edward, he is harmless. I haven't seen him since I was 13! That was horrible and scary and embarrassing. It was like I didn't even know who you were. Your daughter was right there," she said, still not opening her eyes to look at me.

Fuck, Nessie crying. I was a horrible parent. What happened to all those vows I took a little over a year ago, promising to be a better person for her? I was normally so good with vows, so why couldn't I just get passed this brooding, angry thing and be good, for them?

Vows, marriage. Something six-year-old Bella was willing to do with Felix, but 18-year-old Bella was still unwilling to do with me.

Yea and kicking the shit out of some dude in front of my daughter was a real good way to convince her to walk down the aisle with me.

"I am so sorry Bella, he was touching you and talking about marriage and my daughter and I just lost it. I had no self control," I said, laying my head in her lap and willing her fingers to start playing with my hair.

They remained unresponsive.

'That's the scary part Edward. You weren't you back there and the trigger was completely harmless! Your judgment was impaired, Edward. And that is almost as scary as what you did."

We were quite for a moment before she abruptly stood, walking away from me.

"You were drunk," she said in a scared voice, not facing me. "Weren't you?"

I stood too, running my hands through my hair. I felt the empty flask pressed against my skin from its place in my pocket and felt ashamed, dirty, unworthy of the love of these two girls I was so depended on.

"Well I wouldn't say drunk exactly," I said, stopping my excuses when I saw her cold face.

Aw fuck, I had worried her, upset her, scared her so many times this trip. I had to fix it. Though I knew I was doing far too much fixing these days and really had to work at not fucking breaking anything in the first place.

"Bella, I am so sorry," I said, trying to give her a hug.

"Just, save it Edward," she said, turning her back on me and shutting the door in my face.

So crooked smiles, affection touches, and sincere apologies weren't going to fix this. I flopped down on the bed, at a loss. I had no fucking clue how to just make it better. I lay there, focused entirely on not digging through my bag to find the handle of Jack that was stashed there, wrapped up in a pair of pants.

In the end I lost, going to the bottle and swearing to have only one goddamn drink. One really big goddamn drink. Well, one might as well be two, right?

~*~*~

"Are you sure you aren't mad?" I asked in earnest.

"Edward, I am not mad," Bella replied, slightly exasperated.

"Are you sure?"

"YES! I am worried about you. Just try and cut back on the boozing, ok?" she said, shifting Nessie on her hip and kissing me quickly in front of the security check at the Colorado Springs airport.

Rose and Emmett stood too our right, saying their own much more passionate goodbye while Alice and Jasper waiting patiently behind them.

It was Monday now, time for Bella and Ness to leave me so I could get to another, nameless, faceless city to play much for another nameless, faceless crowd. I was still desperately trying to recover from the stupid fucking fight with stupid goddamn Felix.

She said she wasn't mad, but she certainly wasn't happy with me either.

But I had woken up this morning with my arms wrapped around Bella, so at least I could hold on to that.

I fucking hated myself for how I handled their visit. I wouldn't see them for two more months and our limited time together was now blemished with my dick head actions.

And of course all this self loathing would be handled with alcohol, something that was greatly concerning Bella which of course would lead to more self loathing.

It was a vicious cycle that I was positive would be broken the moment I got home. I just hated touring, and this was how I dealt with it. Driving all over the fucking place, reminded me of the stint of foster homes that I bounced around in until the Cullens saved me. Home now was Bella, and I didn't like being away at all.

"I will sunshine," I said, motioning for her to hand me Nessie. "Goodbye little girl, Daddy is going to miss you." I hugged her to my chest and kissed her cheeks, feeling myself tear up when she placed her hand on my face and smiled.

She had grown so much in the two short months I had been away. How the fuck big would she be in another two?

I pulled Bella toward me with my free arm, smiling down at her and memorizing the lines of her face.

She looked so sad. But this was what she wanted, so this is what I would do.

"I love you," she said giving me a sad little smile as her eyes watered.

"I love you," I repeated, kissing her for real this time, not wanting to let either of them go.

But finally her travel companions got antsy, reminding her of the time of their flight and beckoning my two girls to leave me.

After one last kiss for each of them and another round of whispered 'I love you's', she turned and left, taking a huge chunk of me as the meandered their was through the security line.

Emmett stood beside me and we stared after the people we cared most about in the world until long after they disappeared from view. I uncapped my flask and took a long draw, offering it to Emmett when I was done.

For once he accepted, not saying a word for the first time in his very boisterous life.


	17. Chapter 17

Then

BPOV

"I can not stand my circuits professor," Rosalie said as she brandished her wine goblet. As usual. "He is all spitting and yelling and breast ogling. It doesn't help that I am the only female in that class. I haven't learned one fricking thing."

"Breast ogling?? BREAST OGGLING?" Emmett yelled, looking murderous and causing the whole table to laugh.

It was October now and my extended family was gathered around Charlie's dinning room table, enjoying dinner and each other.

Since the birth of Nessie, the two spheres of my family had merged. Kathleen and Esme had become great friends, bonding over the joys of motherhood and grandmother-dom.

Kathleen insisted on being called grandma. She found it hilarious, being as she was not even 30 yet.

Charlie and Carlisle had become golf and booze buddies, watching the game whenever they were both free and appreciating the subtleties of a nice microbrew together.

Kathleen and Esme liked to plan these impromptu family get togethers about once a month and everyone generally had a really good time. It shocked me, the way I suddenly had a big, loud, extended family. It used to be just Alice, Charlie, and me but now there were a whole bunch of us – Swan's, Cullen's, a Whitlock and a Hale. It was nice.

Charlie had made the mistake of asking Rosalie about school and now we were forced to hear all the details of her quest to become 'the bitchingest female mechanic on the planet'.

I smiled at my Dad who laughed with Rose while he balanced his son on one knee and his granddaughter on the other. Charlie really was so wonderful. He loved my daughter so much and really thrived here with the wide-reaching family she brought with her. Who knew that Charlie could or would ever enjoy the company of other people so much?

Though he was still not a huge Edward fan, not that I blamed him. It was not like Edward was ever around these days, actively trying to convince Charlie otherwise.

As if he could read my mind, the Chief turned to me, asking the one question I absolutely didn't want to and couldn't really answer.

"So Bells, where is your boy tonight? We haven't seen much of him since he got back from the tour," said my Dad, looking genuinely curious.

"He has just been working a lot Dad," I said avoiding the knowing stares of Jasper and Emmett. "You know, bills to pay and all that."

Since Edward's return from the road a month ago, things on the home front had been different then they were before he left. Edward wasn't happy like he once was and I could not figure out why. I didn't have a doubt in my mind that it involved me somehow.

I was turning into an ostrich being that my head was perpetually in the sand.

I became the master of ignoring and excuses. I choose to believe Edward when he said he was fine after our unfortunate visit to Colorado. I mean, it was a rock'n'roll tour, a little over indulgence was to be expected.

The alternative was just too horrible to contemplate.

He was home now, with us and I didn't understand what had changed. Our life with Nessie had been a struggle as had our relationship over the last year and a half, but overall Edward was happy. I was happy.

Or so I thought.

When he got home, I was ecstatic. Once again there was joy in our apartment. Once again my daughter had her father present. Once again our bed was filled with love. I was hoping the happiness of him being home would last longer then a week.

And that is how long it took, a week, before he came home drunk for the first time.

Though the honeymoon phase that went along with him being home eventually had to end and we were too busy to stay in our own little bubble, I thought that it would have lasted longer then a week. My responsibilities at the record company had expanded when I got a promotion after returning form our hellish vacation. I was now a junior assistant's assistant, assistant's assistant, which actually did expand my hours, as pathetic as it sounded. I wish it had expanded my paycheck in conjunction. Edward had resumed his pre-tour work schedule at Independent and rehearsals with the band at night.

The tour had generated a stronger buzz surrounding Vampire Sunrise, and the boys were being approached by the big daddies of the recording industry now. Garrett, their manager, had them meeting with lawyers and executives of two major labels, direct competitors of Swan Records.

Not that either Edward or Charlie would even listen to the idea of signing the band with Swan but I was still a little upset to see them talking to those other, less artistically inclined companies.

Edward seemed excited about the prospect of signing a multi-record deal, but after the first meeting he stumbled into my bed happy but not sober.

It was highly concerning.

But he had only been home a week and he was so sweet the way he nestled into my neck so I couldn't help wrapping my arms around him and stroking his hair instead of kicking him out and demanding reform. .

And similar events kept happening, but I didn't know what to about it. He was drinking a lot, but I didn't know what to even say. So I went with the whole ostrich route.

When has ignoring a problem ever made it go away?

Then September happened and he was pretty much M.I.A for the entire month. At least he was home for my 20th birthday. We spent a quiet evening at home with Nessie and he seemed content but there would be moments when he wasn't with me anymore. I could see all sorts of demons lurking behind his beautiful green eyes and he wasn't sharing. I did ask but he would smile, kiss my forehead, call me sunshine, and assure me that everything was okay.

Yet at the end of the month, he forgot our anniversary. I made him dinner and handed Nessie over to Kathleen and Charlie for the evening. I ended up falling asleep on the couch, waiting for him and worrying that he wasn't answering his phone, only to be woken up when he stumbled in the front door, supported on the shoulders of Sam and Seth, at 3 AM.

Sam checked me out and requested that I make him a sandwich before I could finally get them to leave. Edward spent the remainder of the night kneeling over the toilet.

After that, I asked him to stop drinking, or to at least cut back severely. He knew I didn't like him around Ness when he had been drinking so he opted to not come home at all. As a result we never saw him. I knew he didn't want this life, that he was young and on his way to rockstardom. The last thing he wanted was to be saddled with all this responsibility and I tried to be understanding, but I was reaching the end of my rope. So I asked him to stop drinking.

He brushed it off, just like I thought he would, choosing to take my words as a joke instead but giving me an empty promise to be around more anyway.

I didn't push the issue, but as I am an ostrich.

It hurt me anyway. It hurt me that he didn't love the life we created together like I did. It hurt me that he was hurting himself with all the booze. It hurt me that he didn't want to spend every moment with Nessie and I.

It all hurt to much and I chose to not think about all that, instead focusing on Nessie and my job.

Even with these weekly disappointments, I still welcomed him to my bed nightly, reveling in the moments when he would make my body sing. It was the only time I felt truly connected to him.

But I was now an ostrich, so days passed and I just decided to believe what he said, that everything was fine.

I looked around the table at my laughing, boisterous family and tried to focus on how lucky I was. Charlie sat at one end of the table, making the kids giggle as he tickled them while Kathleen sat to his right gossiping and talking fashion with Rose and Alice. Jasper sat next to Alice, arguing with Emmett about some potato launcher they were planning on making. Esme and Carlisle sat hand in hand, still making googly eyes at each other after being married forever. Everyone was so happy, but I couldn't help but worry about the one person who was missing.

I ended up sleeping in my old bedroom that night, cuddled up with my daughter, unable to even bear the thought of going home to an empty apartment and an empty bed.

~*~*~

EPOV

It was hard work, constantly trying to not disappoint somebody. Two somebodies really.

Bella wanted a motherfucking rockstar so I would goddamn well become a motherfucking rockstar. It was doing it without selling my soul that was the tricky part.

They wanted a marketable product, something shapeable to their will, becoming what was demanded depending on the mood of the malleable minds of the public and what would make them the quickest buck.

Dealing with the fucking major record companies blew.

I was more interested in extending our contract with the minor label we were with now. They let me do what ever the fuck I wanted, didn't give a shit what I wore, and actually respected the process.

The big labels wanted to fuck with my music. They might as well just execute said soul, condemning me to the life of a goddamn sell-out.

Sam said I was being ridiculous, that it wouldn't be like that. But I fucking highly doubted they would value my point of view as an artist and allow me the creative leeway so necessity to making music.

How could I sell out like that? How could I not when it was so obviously what everyone wanted?

I didn't have much of a fucking choice. We needed the money. Nessie needed so much and the bills were just going to get worse as she grew. I needed to provide my daughter with the very best.

Bella was so supportive. I should have been happy that my maybe fiancé wanted me to succeed, but I couldn't understand how my being away so much, changing so much was something she was ok with. I wanted to be with her and Nessie every minute. Bella didn't have the same priorities as I did. She wanted me to focus on the band without thinking about her. I just wanted to be home.

So I made her priorities my priorities and threw myself into my music career.

It was so personal, making music. It was who I was. I couldn't let myself be turned into some goddamn character whose music was manipulated into something more mainstream and profitable.

The word 'single' was being thrown around and I didn't fucking like it. I shouldn't have to write a single, the word single should mean nothing to me in this context. But it sure as fuck meant something to them. It meant that they were making more fucking money.

But Bella wanted me to be a rockstar and frankly, the extra money would be nice if not necessary. I needed to give my girls the best in life and this recording artist route seemed the only way to do that. It is not like I had any other marketable skills. I didn't even have a college education, what the fuck was I going to do? Work at Independent for the rest of my goddamn life?

I couldn't disappoint them and failure wasn't a fucking option.

Maybe when I finally fucking signed that fucking record deal and got some goddamn money, she would finally fucking marry me.

I didn't have to make any decisions until the end of the month. It would be so much fucking easier if I could talk to Bella about everything that was going through my head, whizzing around at a million miles a minute.

But I had to be strong for her. I promised her before our first tour that felt like a lifetime ago that I was going to do it so I was going to fucking do it.

It just seemed like as I moved closer to attaining this goal of supporting my family as a musician, the farther I drifted from them. I was fucking losing chunks of them and myself along the way and I didn't know how to combat it.

I really hated being away from them, away from my newly found home.

Home was always this allusive, unattainable concept for me. Not surprising really being as I didn't really have one until I was 8 and I somehow managed to worm my way into Esme's heart. But even there, with the people I really did consider my parents, I didn't feel safe, whole. Now Bella and Ness were my home, right along with my music that served as a constant reminder as to just how much I had to lose.

Everything.

Pursuing this music career was going to take me away from everything I cared about. While I once thought I finally found the home I craved since I could fucking remember, now I wasn't so sure I would be able to hold onto it.

Maybe there was something really wrong with me. I always had big dreams of being up on stage every night. What kind of twenty-year-old dude has all these doubts about living the dream? I really was fucking lucky. The band was a success, I had a maybe fiancé that wasn't constantly on my balls about being gone so much (Though maybe if she was on my balls a bit more it would make me feel better, let me know that she actually missed me when I was away). I was such a fucking baby, but it was hard work. Pretending to love the path your life is on. I just kept reminding myself that I was doing it for Bella, for Nessie.

I was trying my best to show Bella that everything was ok, that I was happy, but sometimes I would catch her staring at me in that particular way she had that made me think that she wasn't fooled.

So I turned to the only outlet available and started hitting the bottle pretty heavy. But it was all my choice, something to take away some stress. It wasn't something I needed thought.

I never used to work on my music drunk or stoned. Once upon a time, before I started drinking so much and Sam started snorting so much, there was a strict 'no mind altering substances' rule at practice. But I couldn't seem to get through the goddamn day without a shot of something, a hit of something. Anything to distract me from the fact that all this goddamn change might not actually be good.

I knew that if Bella knew about all this alcohol consumption, she would not be happy. She would fret and yell and be all concerned for my well being but it was really the only way to give her what she wanted.

Each morning, I would wake up alone in bed, hours after Bella had departed for work, and resolve to not drink anything that day. I would wake and feed and clothe my daughter before dropping her off to spend the day with Kathleen or Esme. I would feel strong, like I could actually make it through the day on the love I felt for my daughter alone. I would go to work at the record store and shelve and assist and talk about music while my fingers would twitch for my flask for the first time as I was forced to pay attention to most of the musical crap that was being marketed these days. It was never away from my back pocket and always full, just in case. Then I would go to band practice and I my fucking resolve would crumble. There were arguments about who we should sign with, pressure to write a fucking single, and so much goddamn stress.

My safe haven was forever compromised and I would have to imbibe to fucking deal with it.

So that is why when I woke up on the cool surface of the bathroom floor, I wasn't the least bit fucking surprised.

Apparently I over indulged.

But I was home. This was my fucking cold ass floor and I was wrapped around my fucking smelly ass toilet.

But where was Bella? Never had she left me to my own devices, passed out on the floor before.

This was definitely not good.

Not even when I forgot our fucking three-year anniversary did Bella leave me alone on the floor. She must have been really fucking pissed at me. Deservedly so I would say.

Gingerly I sat up, making sure that I wasn't going to puke what little was left in my stomach before rising to my feet.

I needed to make myself presentable to face the wrath of Bella. So I brushed my teeth twice, took a shower, and then cleaned the toilet, because she definitely did not need to see that. I attempted to do something with my hair and put on some deodorant and brushed my teeth a third time before exiting my little sanctuary.

First I looked into Nessie's room, wanting to make myself feel better with a glimpse of my daughter sleeping, but she wasn't there. Choking down the first stirrings of panic, a took a moment to convince myself that she was fine, that Bella had her, that she had in fact not been kidnapped, and that calling 9-1-1 right away was to too rash.

I peeked into the living room but no one was there either nor was there anyone in our bedroom. It was 7 o fucking clock in the goddamn morning, where the hell were they? Why hadn't she called me?

Also, where the fuck was my phone?

I progressed to tear apart the little apartment that Bella kept so clean. I really didn't deserve her and if I was a stronger man, I would leave. She could do so much better then this, then someone who regularly couldn't remember big chunks of the day and woke up on bathroom floors. I was the one holding her back, not the other way around. But I knew that I wouldn't last without Bella and was ultimately too selfish to let her go.

I finally found it in a half eaten box of honey nut cheerios left out on the counter and sure enough, I had two missed calls from Bella and a text explaining that she was spending the night at Charlie's not wanting to leave after the family dinner I bailed on.

I was too drunk to go when I got the invite and solved the problem by skipping it to get drunker. But at least I didn't have to think for a few blissful hours.

For a moment I considered heading over to Charlie's, crawling into Bella's old bed, and sleeping in her arms for hours but the thought of the Chief's face when I stumbled into his home looking like death made me change my mind.

So I flopped down on my own, cold, lonely bed and prayed for Bella to get home soon.

Minutes or hours or maybe even seconds later a giggling little bundle of joy woke me, crawling up my back to pull on my ear.

"Daddy Da Da," Nessie continued as I turned to face her and kiss her nose.

"Hey there sweet girl," I said as I pulled her into a hug. "Where did you come from?"

"Gampa Charlie!" she declared as she slapped her hands against my cheeks.

I laughed and looked up, my eyes searching out Bella.

Goddamn she was beautiful. Was there ever going to be a time when I stopped noticing?

She smiled in return.

Nope, I would definitely notice every day of forever.

"Hey there rockstar," she said as she brushed her thumbs under my eyes. "Rough night?"

I grimaced, hoping that a couple more hours of sleep would have helped me at least appear human. So I didn't respond, choosing instead to pull her down onto the bed next to Nessie and I, kissing her thoroughly as I did so.

"How was Charlie's?" I asked instead while Bella recovered from my kisses.

"Huh? Oh, um, well good. Rosalie was in rare form and your mother says she misses you and wants you to call. Nessie and Collin had a grand old time, didn't you darling," she replied as she kissed our daughter who was still in my arms. "I wish you were there," she added quietly, looking away suddenly.

I was doing my fuck all best to give her everything she ever wanted or deserved, but I was still fucking disappointing her.

"I am sorry sunshine. I really am trying here," I said, begging her to understand even though there was so much I wasn't actually telling her.

"I know, it is just that we see so little of you these days," she said, continuing to sound sad.

"Today," I said in an attempt to sound chipper. "I am all yours."

On the plus side, at least she seemed to want me around.

"Good," she said, leaning down to kiss me again as Nessie played with a toy I had never seen before.

Bella silently observed me for a moment, opening and closing her mouth several times as if she wanted to say something but couldn't decide on the proper words.

"Just spit it out sunshine," I encouraged as I removed her lip from her teeth with my thumb.

"Edward," she began, taking a deep breath to steady herself. I sat up against the headboard and turned my body face her, suddenly stressed. What ever she had to say, it sounded serious. "I am trying really hard to give you your space here. I know that raising a baby was not where either of us saw our lives going. I know that you are 20 years old and need some time to act your age, partying with your friends and all that. But you are never home. I know we are both busy and I know the last thing you want to do after a rough day at work and with the band is come hang out with me and a 18 month old, but can you please make some more time for us? I don't like how much you are out and drinking Edward."

I stared at her in shock as tears began to pool in her eyes.

"I don't want us to be an obligation to you Edward," she whispered, looking down at her hands that were playing with the sheet in her lap.

"Isabella Marie Swan," I said in a low voice, willing myself not to get angry with both her and myself. She didn't understand anything. "You are no burden. You and Nessie are my soul reason for breathing. If I could, I would spend every second of the rest of my days with both of you. My girls."

She nodded once but still didn't look at me.

Rougher then I should have, I grabbed her chin and jerked her face toward mine.

"I mean it Bella Swan soon to be Cullen. What will it take to prove that to you? Not going out with the guys after band practice? Done. Fucking piece of cake," I went on, part of me relieved now that she really did want me around.

"Stop drinking, just don't do it at all" she mumbled, glaring at me now, challenging me with her eyes.

"Fine. Done. No more drinking at all." Bella didn't even know the extent of how much I drank in a single day so a challenge it would definitely be. But I would do anything for this girl. I would fucking move to Antarctica, living off goddamn penguins and sell all my guitars if it made her happy.

"Really?" she said, looking hopeful again.

"Really," I confirmed.

She pulled me closer and kissed me and whispered all the ways she planned on thanking me that night once Nessie was asleep.

Things were definitely looking up if this was all it took to make Bella happy.

~*~*~

BPOV

Things were looking up.

Edward had stopped drinking. Cold turkey. Just because I asked him too. It was that easy.

Oh how I loved him. I would have to officially marry that boy one of these days. We were already married in most ways that counted, including in my heart, but it would be nice to put it on paper.

He was talking about the band more, letting me in to that part of his life more, and I took it willingly, deciding to ignore the ever-swirling demons. He was talking to me right? What reason could he possibly have to hide anything from me? It is not like I had ever been anything but supportive and encouraging of his lofty musician goals, despite how scared I was at the prospect that his career would separate us. I had a lot of fear and trepidation surrounding the record deal, but I pushed it aside.

I would not be Edward's burden. He would not have to give up anything for me. I would not be Renee. I would not be selfish and controlling. I would not hold him back like Renee held back Charlie and Alice and me, using us for her own selfish purposes.

The ultimate selfish purpose would be asking him to give it all up in order to always be near me. But that was something I wouldn't do, as much as I wanted to.

When he shared the few fears he had about signing with the majors, I did my very best to talk him out of them. Sure, he would be busy and have to leave to go on tour for large amounts of time, but we could handle it. We were strong enough. We had done it before. Right?

And all the pain was worth it as long as Edward was happy.

So when he burst in that Thursday evening, announcing that everything had been worked out and that they would be signing with Big Time Record Producers R-U the following Tuesday, I tried my very best to be happy.

Deep down I was concerned what they would do to him, what they would make him change. Mostly, I wanted to lock Edward in the apartment and keep his music just to myself.

But again, that was just too selfish to contemplate.

"I am so happy for you," I whispered in his ear from my position in his arms. When he told me of this huge plan, I ran at him, wrapping my legs around his waist and burying my face in his neck so he wouldn't see the pain in my eyes.

"Thank you sunshine," he said, his voice cracking slightly with emotion.

"What is wrong? This is a good thing, right?" I clarified, hoping for a moment that Edward was going to announce that he changed his mind, that he didn't want any of it, that he loved me more then he loved being a professional musician.

"It is just a little overwhelming, a lot to take in. I mean it is really happening. This is for real. I can't really wrap my head around it. Goddamn," he said, the awe apparent in his voice now.

"I know. I am so proud of you rockstar," I said as I kissed his neck. My little pet name had new connotations now and I wasn't sure if I like it.

"That means a lot sunshine. It is all for you, you know. Everything I do, it is for you and Nessie. I am going to give you everything you could ever fucking want. You are going to have the best possible everything," he said with conviction.

He set me down and I smiled up at him, my first real smile since he walked through the door.

"We don't need a whole lot," I said, kissing his jaw. "Just you."

Both of us were on the verge of tears and Edward looked away first, clearing his throat in a manly way before speaking.

"We should celebrate this weekend," he commented, his hands fisting in his hair. As usual.

"Agreed. But is has to be Saturday night. I cant Friday night."

"Why?" he asked, furrowing his brow.

"I am going dancing with Alice and Rosalie tomorrow, remember? You said you would be home to stay with Nessie." It had been months and months and months since I did anything with just my two best friends. I was always at work or at home with Nessie, trying to complete my coursework online. I needed a break, especially after the recent tension with Edward.

"Oh right, shit," he said, looking upset. "Do you really have to go? I mean, you can cancel, right?"

"I could yes," I said as I crossed my arms over my chest, irritated that he of all people wouldn't understand the need to change up the routine every once and awhile. "But I don't want to. I haven't had any girl time in I don't even know how long. Plus Alice would murder me."

"So you would rather go out with Alice and Rose then stay at home with me?" he snapped. "What happened to no drinking, you need to be around more often, blah, blah, blah," he said, mimicking our earlier conversation.

What an asshole.

He was guilting me into stay using my most recent selfish act against me. And it fucking pissed me off.

"This is a bit different Edward. Like I said, I haven't done anything for me in months. I am going to girls night whether you like it or not. Plus you already agreed. Invite over Jasper and Emmett or something," I suggested.

He grumbled his agreement, still doing his best to show his displeasure.

He did succeed in making me feel guilty though, and I even called Alice. Testing the waters to see how my bailing would be taken.

She yelled at me for about 5 minutes when I even hinted that maybe it would be best if I didn't go.

So I went out on Friday night, surpassing the long line to enter then newest, trendiest nightclub when Rosalie flashed the bouncer a little cleavage.

We dance and laughed and reminisced and gossiped.

It felt a little bit like I was 16 again, hopelessly in love and carefree.

I was the DD for the evening, my one small sign of solidarity with Edward. If he wasn't drinking then neither was I. So I dropped a slurring Rosalie off at her apartment and walked a giggling Alice to Jasper's, excited that I would be getting home around 1 am, much earlier then I expected.

I was planning just how I was going to greet Edward as Alice searched desperately for her key.

"Do you need some help there big sis?" I asked as she kneeled on the cement and progressed do dump the entire contents of her purse on the front stoop.

"I got this Isabella," she insisted and she swayed slightly. "Shit, they have to be here somewhere. I distinctly remember grabbing them. Fuck, shit, goddamn it. I just want to go inside and fuck my boyfriend senseless. Is that really so much to ask?"

"Apparently, I want the same but instead I am standing here watching you act like a drunken fool."

"JASPER!!!!!" Alice screamed suddenly, rocking backward and laying on her back as she let out her wail. "JAZZ, OH GOD, JASSSSSSPPPERRRR! JUST LIKE THAT."

She was really making a scene now, so I knelt beside her attempting to find the damn keys and get her to shut up. She was going to wake the whole building with her orgasm sounds.

Suddenly, the apartment door opened and there stood a sleepy Jasper, looking irritated.

"Alice, there are bound to be perverts about that are enjoying your little show. I would really rather be making you come for real rather cracking skulls to defend your honor so I must request that you momentarily shut the hell up," he said as he pulled a giggling Alice to her feet.

"God Jazz, I love you I love you I love you," she said, kissing his chest as I continued to put away all her crap, finally finding her stupid keys.

"I know baby, I love you too. Thanks for getting her home in one piece Bellie," he said to me, kissing my forehead. I really was a pro at handling drunk people these days. Edward had given me lots of practice.

"Any time Jazz," I said as I handed him Alice's bag. "Have a lovely evening."

I turned to walk the few feet to my own apartment when Alice stopped me, grabbing my arm.

"Bella I am so sorry," she said, her voice high and anxious. Her eyes were huge and darting in every direction. "I am so so sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry Al," I said as I patted her spiky hair. "You have gotten me home drunk many a night. If anything I still owe you."

"No not for that. I am sorry for what happens next," she whispered cryptically.

"What happens next Alice?" I asked, suddenly nervous. Though we often joked about Alice's future seeing abilities, she really did have an uncanny prediction record. She was nearly always right.

"Oh Bella, it is going to be so hard for both of you."

"What, with the record deal?"

"No, with what happens next," she insisted. "I am going to bed now."

She turned and walked into Jasper's waiting arms while he simply shrugged at me, looking concerned. I was still shaking off my ill feelings of trepidation when I unlocked my own apartment.

The light was still on and the Chili Peppers were playing softly on the stereo. Edward's feet were visible, sticking out of the end of the couch. At first I thought that he had tried to wait up for me, even selecting mood music. I rounded the couch and took in his sleeping form. I kneeled next to his head, tracing the contours of his cheek bones, his lips, his jaw.

"Edward," I whispered, nudging him slightly. He didn't stir.

Again I tried and he groaned a little.

It was then I noticed the empty whiskey bottle obscured by a pillow that had fallen to the ground.

Pain and worry tore through me at the sight.

"Edward," I said, more forcefully this time, shaking his shoulders. His eyes flickered opened and he mumbled a slew of curses that ended with 'fucking sleeping goddamn it,' before closing his eyes again.

I sat there for a moment, staring at him in shock. He said he would stop, easily, if I wanted. He could stop because he didn't have an addiction, just a bad habit.

But here he was, drinking until he passed out, alone, while he was on Nessie duty. How could he possibly do this? How could he put our daughter at risk like this? A million what if scenarios ran through my head while I stared down at his drunken form.

How could I ever trust him with our daughter again?

And then the fact that had been glaring me in the face for years now rushed to the front of my focus.

Alcoholic.

I had always mentally shied away from the word. Refusing to think it when he got drunk on Christmas or when he came home every night tasting of booze or seeing him on tour.

This abrupt display slapped the denial right out of me.

Edward was an alcoholic. Edward was not fine, no matter how many times he insisted that this was the case. There was something very wrong with my Edward and I couldn't ignore it any longer.

While I was sitting there, trying to figure out what to do about this new and horrible realization, I heard it. A little, pathetic whimper coming from down that hall and tearing through my head.

I was on my feet and into Nessie's dark room in a matter of seconds. Flicking on the light, I took in the sight of my daughter clutching the bars of her crib, her face streaked with tears. She sobbed a little when she saw me and reached her arms toward me. I rushed to gather her in my arms, whispering soothing words in her ear as I rubbed circles over her back.

Nessie wasn't a big crier, but she must have been so frightened when she called out and no one came. My poor daughter. How did I let this happen to her? How did Edward?

That was when I realized I couldn't stay here. I couldn't let my daughter be treated this way.

I was hurt and angry and confused and so so so scared.

When Nessie clamed down, I set her in the middle of our bed and hastily crammed our things into a large duffle bag. I moved like a robot, not really having a plan but knowing that I couldn't stay here. I had to remove my daughter from this situation that I let arise with my perpetual denial. I would go to Charlie's, completely break down, and then regroup in the morning.

No more ostrich, no more hiding. I needed to take action to save Edward, to save myself.

~*~*~

I attempted to sneak into my father's house, not wanting anyone to see me like this but I wasn't that lucky. Charlie often couldn't sleep and worked into the wee hours. Tonight was one of those nights.

"Bella," he said, surprised as he took in my blank face, the sleeping child in my arms, and the large suitcase thrown over my shoulder. His eyes narrowed as he stood from his chair. "What did he do?"

I didn't know when exactly the tears started, but they flowed down my cheeks at an alarming rate now, drowning me in a river of my own misery. Charlie reached me in a couple of rushed steps, taking a sleeping Nessie from my arms and gently putting her on the near by sofa. He was back quickly, wrapping his arms around me. I pushed my face into his chest, sobbing, and trying to get back the comfort he easily provided when I was a child. My whole body shook and Charlie somewhat awkwardly patted my head.

"Bella, please, I am kinda freaking out here," Charlie said after a long time. "Just tell me, did he hit you?"

He pushed me away from him with his hands on my shoulders to get a good look at me. I studied the wet face print I left on his button up and wanted to laugh.

"Of course not Dad," I stammered through hiccups. "Edward would never do that."

"Well he sure as hell did something. What is wrong Bella?" he asked, sounding like a cop again.

God, I loved my Dad. He worked so hard for Alice and I. He saved us from Renee. He loved us and cared for us and made us feel safe.

"Dad, can I ask you something?"

"Of course Bells," he said as he continued to study my face.

"When did Renee meet Phil? Was it before or after I was born?" I didn't know where this line of questioning was coming from, but focusing on this pain calmed me somehow.

Distracting myself from pain with slightly less painful pain was probably not the best technique.

Charlie looked a little shocked by my question but kept his hands on my shoulders and answered me anyway.

"They met when Phil moved to Forks. Your mom was 6 or 7 months pregnant with you at the time," he said softly.

I snorted and started laughing at that, a bit hysterical at this point. My mother was truly unbelievable. I would never be like Renee. I would give my daughter the best. And that meant trying to fix her father to the best of my abilities.

"Bella," Charlie said, shaking me slightly, probably alarmed by the laughing. "What happened?"

I was never one to share a lot with my Dad. We were both rather introverted by nature and enjoyed most of our time together in silence. We understood each other in that way. But this time, I couldn't hold back. I wanted to tell him. I wanted his help. I was in so far over my head and I couldn't do this alone.

"I think Edward is an alcoholic Charlie," I whispered, silently crying again. "I know Edward is an alcoholic."

If Charlie was surprised this time, his face didn't give anything away. He just hugged me again while I cried. When I finally calmed down, he left me at the kitchen table with a glass of water while he put Nessie in her crib upstairs.

He returned a moment later and sat next to me, continuing to study me.

"Tell me everything," he said.

And that is just what I did.

~*~*~

When I got back to the apartment the next morning, I wasn't planning on leaving him for real. I didn't think I could ever leave him permanently. He was my Edward. I didn't even make sense without him.

The plan was to confront him about his alcohol consumption, to let him know that my trust in him was severely broken, and to get some more stuff that I needed for my extended stay at Charlie's.

I wasn't moving out, but I thought it was best to stay at my Dad's for a while. Until Edward could show me that he had really stopped drinking. That he really had changed. I had failed my daughter so many times already in her young life and there was no way she would be living in the same apartment as Edward as long as he was like this.

I unlocked the door and stepped through the entryway, glancing to the couch to see if Edward was still there, sleeping on his stomach, just as I left him last night.

Though I was hoping to get there before he woke up, the couch was empty and the shower was running. I walked to the kitchen counter, taking in the dirty dishes and other crap that had accumulated in the few hours I was away. Along with them was the note I left him last night letting him know we were at Charlie's, so he wouldn't worry.

It was visibly crumpled, as if someone had balled it up in their closed fist.

I was literally sick and physically shaky at the prospect of the unpleasant talk we were about to have. Edward was not going to like what I had to say, especially the staying with Charlie part.

Finally, after horrible minutes of waiting where I kept re-planning what I was going to say in my head, the shower turned off and Edward emerged clothed only in a towel.

There was no way I could do this with him looking like a Greek god.

"Hey," he said when he spotted me, slowing as he approached me where I sat at the kitchen table. "What's up? Where is Nessie?"

"Edward," I said, taking a deep not as calming as I wanted it to be breath. "We have to talk."

Ominous, I know, but effective. Edward stopped where he stood and frowned at me.

"Ok. Why did you go to Charlie's last night?" he asked angrily. I guess he was trying to pretend the whole passed out drunk thing didn't happen.

"Why do you think Edward?" I snapped. I really wanted to be an adult about this, to explain to him in a clear and not bitchy way what needed to change.

He let out a dramatic sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut.

"It really isn't a big deal Bella," he said tightly.

Not. A. Big. Deal.

I wanted to shake him, I was so completely beyond angry.

I sputtered at him for a moment before collecting myself again. I would not fight with him. I couldn't fight with him when he was all naked and glistening from the shower. Fighting would just turn into angry sex and angry sex would make me change my mind about leaving, even if it was temporary.

"Go get dressed," I said finally after we glared at each other in silence for an immeasurable amount of time.

"Really? You really want me to get dressed?" he asked, closing the distance between our bodies in a couple of quick, predatory steps.

I inhaled sharply as he pulled me up from my chair, pressing my body to his. Damn him. Damn me for wanting him so much even when I was so hurt and angry.

"What do you really want Bella?' he growled in my ear as he took the lobe in his teeth and palmed my chest with both hands.

I closed my eyes and really focused.

I wasn't hiding anymore. I wasn't going to let both of us be distracted by the physical side of our relationship, despite how amazing his touch felt.

"I want you to go get dressed Edward," I whispered.

His shoulders fell along with his face as he took a step back, nodding once before departing to our bedroom. He looked just about as hurt as I felt.

This really fucking sucked.

He returned a moment later, a new fire in his eyes that had replaced the defeat I saw there before he got dressed. He approached me slowly, giving me time to take in his usual bizarre attire. Split pea green pants that I was surprised anyone even made, bright yellow v-neck that looked like a Picasso painting surrounding the Oscar Meyer logo, and a tattered old grey hoodie that once belonged to Emmett. Bare feet.

He sat across from me at the table and I felt like fucking Donald Trump was about to proclaim that I was fired.

Edward was too far away.

"It is a very big deal Edward," I continued from where we left off. "First you promise me that you are going to stop drinking, then you pass out while you are supposed to be watching our daughter. She woke up Edward. She had been crying when I got home. She was upset and needed you to take care of her but you were drunk on the couch."

At least he had the decency to look properly ashamed. He muttered a couple of his standard goddamns under his breath and tugged at his hair.

"Fuck, Bella, I am so sorry. I just… I don't know what happened but I fucked up," he pleaded. I couldn't look at him. Looking at him would make all my resolve crumble. It would be so easy to just accept his apology and act like nothing happened.

Something had certainly happened.

It was one thing if his drinking was only affecting me. I could deal with him hurting me, but it was now becoming a problem for our daughter. I would do anything for her and staying with Charlie for a bit was the only solution I could think of. Nessie couldn't live here with Edward like this.

In fact, I was sick that I waited this long to do anything. All the warning signals were there, recording the first album and especially the last tour. Even during the first tour he had major drinking issues, something that I didn't know about until I talked to Emmett this summer.

"Emmett," I had said after Edward fell asleep in that hotel room in Denver. "What the hell is going on?"

Emmett sighed and looked upset.

"He says that he doesn't like to be away from you, that drinking helps him deal with the distance," Emmett explained.

"But he wasn't like this on the last tour. I thought he loved being on the road," I said, still confused. The touring picture Edward painted was a pleasant one and I was still struggling to understand how Edward could not even know what city he was in.

"I don't know what to tell you Bella, but on our first tour it was just as bad. He spent the entire summer drunk and alone, completely anti-social and horrible to be around," Emmett said quickly, obviously not wanting to continue with this conversation.

"But how is that possible? What… I mean when—"

"Listen Bells, just talk to our boy, ok?"

I didn't take his advice then, like I should have. At that point we were both in denial, but I was seeing things clearly for now.

"Edward," I continued on, really not wanting to say the next part. "I think you have a problem, a rather serious problem."

"Bella…" he said, sounding like he was trying to appease me. I stopped him before he could talk me out of what I knew was the truth.

"A week ago you told me you were going to stop drinking Edward. Before that I can't think of one day when you didn't drink something. You come home tasting like alcohol all the time and you have since before Nessie was even born."

"I don't have a problem Bella. I just fucked up once. The rest of that is bullshit," he stated, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at me.

We continued arguing about this for a few minutes. He insisted it was a one time fuck up, I insisted it was an accumulation of concerning behavior that was a very real problem.

"It doesn't fucking matter!" I finally said, beyond frustrated at this point. "The bottom line is that I don't trust you with our daughter."

All the fight went out of him then and his head fell to his hands.

"I know," he whispered. "I don't trust myself either. I cannot even explain how much I regret last night. I failed both you and Nessie. The only thing I can say is that I fucked up, that I am so fucking sorry, and that it will never happen again."

He concluded his little speech and I wanted to believe him so badly. I let it go when he beat up my childhood best friend and when he forgot our anniversary. I ignored the countless nights he tired to hide the alcohol flavor with gum and mouth wash. I pretended not to notice when he would tip his flask into whatever he was drinking.

But I couldn't ignore this.

"I really hope that is true Edward. But things can't go back to the way they were," I finally said quietly. "I do not trust you with our daughter," I repeated, not knowing what else to say.

"I understand that Bella, but I can guarantee that it wont happen again. I told you I would stop drinking and I will. I just didn't take it seriously last time. But things will change now. For real this time," he said, rising from his seat to kneel in front of me and take my hands in his.

"Ok. And I want to believe you. But it is going to take time," I explained, not looking at him. It was this next part he really wasn't going to like. "I am going to stay with Charlie for a little while…"

I felt him tense and he squeezed my hands almost painfully.

"No," he said quietly, eyes boring into mine.

"No? What do you mean no?"

"I mean no. You are not fucking going anywhere." He said this with a note of finality that had me pulling my hands out of his.

"Yes, Edward, I am going to stay with Charlie."

He rose at my words, pacing across the kitchen like a caged predator, a big cat all locked up in the zoo.

"No you most certainly are not Isabella. You are staying here, with me. We are a fucking family," he yelled, arms flailing. "You are not fucking leaving me."

"I am not leaving you, but something needs to change. You say you don't have a problem, but I do. I have a problem with you and we need a little space if we are ever going to fix it."

Plus Nessie couldn't stay here, with him. But I couldn't bring myself to say this to Edward.

"The only goddamn problem I have is you fucking leaving. Do you know why I got fucking drunk last night?" he said, getting in my face now. "Because you weren't here, because you fucking went out with your goddamn friends last night. I don't work right without you and as pathetic as it sounds, I fucking missed you last night. You living with Charlie isn't going to help anything!"

"I have to go," I said again, squeezing my eyes shut and picturing my daughters tear stained cheeks. Who knows how long she had been crying with no response. As guilty as he was making me feel, my first responsibility was to Nessie. "It isn't permanent and I don't know what else to do."

"Isabella," he said with a barely contained rage. "Moving out is going backwards. You are not leaving."

"I am not moving out, I am just going to stay there for awhile. Until I am convinced that things have changed."

"Change? You want change? Fine, I will quit the band."

I finally looked at him, mouth agape with shock and horror.

Oh no. Oh no no no no.

I couldn't let him do that. He loved it so much. He had wanted this since he was a kid and I couldn't let him quit when he was so close. He would hate me forever. How would taking him away from something he loved make him drink less? If anything quitting the band would only exasperate the problem.

"I can't let you do that," I said softly.

"It is not really your decision is it? I will quit. Everything will be better after that," he said, smiling now and tracing my face with his thumb.

I had to turn away from his touch.

"You are signing the contract on Tuesday," I reminded him. "You have a commitment to yourself and Emmett and Sam and Seth. You can't quit the band Edward."

"Fuck the band. All I know is that I love you enough to quit. And you love me too so there is no way you are living somewhere else," he said confidently, smug now with his seemingly flawless logic.

I wracked my brain to find a way to convince him to stay in the band, to let me go to Charlie's. In full on panic mood, the thought crossed my mind and I immediately dismissed it because of the absurdity.

I was a horrible liar.

But then he was reaching for his phone, punching the buttons to make the call that would forever ruin his lifelong dreams and those of three other boys. So I said the one thing that might stop him. It was a lie and he would call me on it because I was incapable of lying, especially to Edward, the boy who knew me best.

But I had to try. It would at least buy me some time to think of something else.

"I don't love you," I blurted, feeling completely ridiculous.

He dropped his phone. Success. Except it didn't feel like success because I had to say something so unimaginable.

"What did you say?"

"Don't quit the band Edward, not for me," I said, not wanting to commit sacrilege again. I felt so dirty.

"What did you say?" he asked again, yelling at me as his face paled.

"You heard me," I stuttered, knowing that any moment he would recognize all the signs and call me on my bullshit, just like he always did.

But then he didn't. He just continued to stare at me, looking crushed. He still wasn't saying anything, instead he just sunk to the floor in front of me and stared.

He believed me?

A little bit stunned by the realization that it was so easy to convince him that I didn't love him, I formulated a plan. I would leave him for real, he would sign the fucking contract, and he would get better.

I was leaving him for his own good.

I wouldn't drive him to drink anymore, I would let him be devoted to the band.

After he signed the record contract, after he couldn't get out of it and he was willing to talk to me like a rational individual, I would explain and hope that he forgave me.

"I just cant be with you Edward," I continued, sealing my fate. "I am so sorry."

I quickly rose and raced for the door, not looking at him. One more glimpse at the look on his beautiful face would crush my resolve. Any second I would be on my knees, wrapping my arms around him, pleading with him to forgive me for my lies.

So I ran, feeling sick and tainted.

~*~*~

EPOV

It never did make sense for her to love me, but somewhere along the course of our three years together I started to believe it.

Fucking goddamn idiot.

_I don't love you I don't love you I don't love you. I just cant be with you I just cant be with you I just cant be with you. _

Her horrible words kept hammering away between my ears.

I kept fluctuating between pain and guilt and anger.

Maybe she never really loved me. Or maybe she fell out of love with me slowly, trying to make it work for the sake of our daughter. I couldn't blame her for not loving me for real, I drank too much, I smoked too much, I beat up one of her oldest friends, I forgot our anniversary, I left my own daughter bawling in her crib. Who could fucking love that?

There were moments that I understood perfectly why she fucking left me.

Everyone else did.

If my own mother and a slew of foster parents couldn't love me enough to stick around when I was a sweet little kid why would wonderful, beautiful, strong willed Bella?

But then I would remember all the ways she convinced me otherwise, that made me believe she was in this for the long haul.

"_You have me you idiot."_

"_I love you, now and forever."_

"_Come here rockstar, I don't like you so far away."_

"_We are a real family now Edward Cullen, there is no getting rid of me."_

So I drank a 5th of tequila and smoked some pot and contemplated calling Sam for something harder, but just crawled into my lonely, empty bed instead, hoping that when I woke up with a horrible hang over and Bella in my arms.

That my fucking insecure psyche had made all this up.

Unfortunately, I opened my eyes the next day to see that it was all true. That she was really gone.

Unable to really even function, I hermited myself away in my apartment, staying drunk for the next few days until it was time to sign the fucking contract.

I didn't want it, but without Bella, without Nessie, the band was all I had left.

So I signed there and initialed here and it was fucking official. We were playing with the majors now. I hoped she was fucking happy.

By the time I got to Independent, ready to turn in my resignation, I was mad. I was fucking beyond pissed. I was livid.

How could she do this to me? How could she betray me like this? When was she going to fucking let me see my daughter again? How could she be such a fucking fake bitch?

Well fuck her.

I didn't need her. She fucking left me. Well good, get the fuck out. I didn't need to be with someone who didn't trust me, who thought I was a fucking alcoholic, who didn't want me and probably never had.

It was in this fucking dark place in my head that I quit my job at the record store and was on my way to cash the check for my ridiculously large portion of the advance, only to literally run into some chick as I made my way to my car.

"'Cuse me," I slurred, sounding drunk even to my own ears.

"Edward, baby, believe me when I say that I enjoyed it," the blond purred.

I cocked my head to the side and studied her. Blond, busty, total opposite of someone whose name I couldn't even think right now.

"It is Heidi," she said, giggling and touching my shoulder. "I dyed my hair, do you like it?" she asked in a low, seductive voice as she flipped it.

"Fuck yes, I fucking love blonds." What a weird thing to say. I only loved a particular brunette who didn't love me back.

I was suddenly consumed with an irrational urge to prove that she didn't fucking matter. That nothing fucking mattered.

I think that was how I ended up fucking Heidi in the bed I bought for my former maybe fiancé. After a three-year hiatus, Edward Cullen was fucking back bitches. Yea, I still had it. Man-whoring habits die hard I suppose, and it was remarkably easy to go back to how I was before her.

All I wanted to do was forget.

It didn't work.

I hacked up a goddamn lung in the toilet right after and never felt so low, sick, disgusting. Unwanted. Dirty. Lonely. Goddamn pathetic.

How could she do this to me? How could she leave me like this?

"_I love you Edward Cullen."_

"_I am not going anywhere."_

"_So you just have to promise that you are going to go for it. You will always have me and this is your chance to have everything."_

"_Edward, kiss me like you mean it."_

"_I love you I love you I love you."_

Lies. All of it. How long had she been just pretending?

I stumbled back to my bed that was forever tainted and fell asleep next to the repulsive Heidi and hoped, just as I had the last few nights, that I would wake up to find everything right with my world.

~*~*~

BPOV

I was actually rather impressed with myself that I waited until Tuesday afternoon.

The contract was signed. There would be no quitting of the thing he loved on my account.

But lasting that long away from him, hurting him like I did was the hardest thing I had ever done. I had been second guessing myself all weekend. He didn't deserve to be lied to like that and I wouldn't do it again if I could somehow rewind, but once the words were out of my mouth I let them stay that way.

How could he believe me? After everything how could he believe that I didn't love him so easily?

So I would tell him the truth, tell him that I was a liar that panicked because I couldn't live with him giving up his passion for me. I would tell him how I loved him in ways I didn't even understand fully yet.

I prayed that he would forgive me.

There was so much going against us though, between the drinking and the lying, I really didn't see how we could go back. But I couldn't let him go on thinking something so false.

But even so, I waited till the contract was signed to go home and explain everything.

I walked into my apartment and was instantly comforted. It was in obvious disarray and the majority of the counter space in the kitchen was covered with empty booze bottles, but it was still home. Edward was here.

I closed the front door behind me only to see him emerge from down the hall, grimacing at me and closing our bedroom door behind him.

I should be shot on the spot for putting that look on his face.

"Hey," I said, attempting a small smile but really just grimacing in return.

He mumbled something under his breath that made it sound like he wanted my key back and stumbled into the kitchen, staring me in the eyes as he very dramatically took a long swig out of a nearby bottle of Jager.

We stood in an awkward silence, just staring at each other. God I missed him.

"So how are you?" I stuttered lamely.

"Fucking peachy," he snarled. "What the fuck are _you_ doing here?"

I opened my mouth to respond but he beat me to it. Apparently he wasn't done conveying his distain for me quite yet.

"Are you coming to get the rest of your shit? To fucking get the fuck out of my life for good? Is that why you are here Isabella?"

I prayed that he forgave me. All I wanted to do was kiss his jaw and mold myself to his body.

"No," I said softly, trying to keep from crying. "I…I wanted to talk to you about what happened the other day, what I said."

"You want to fucking TALK to me? And why the fuck should I partake in this little conversation? TALKING to you really went so well for me last time. I should throw you out of MY goddamn apartment, you heartless bitch."

I would have preferred it if he slapped me.

Yet I deserved nothing better from him, after what I said.

"Please listen to me Edward," I said shakily. "I am so unbelievably sorry. I lie—"

"SORRY!" he suddenly boomed, further alarming me. "You are fucking sorry? Do you have any idea— How could you— You… YOU," he continued to stutter, so mad at me that he was unable to even form words. "YOU FUCKING DESTROYED EVERY PART OF ME!"

I wanted to curl up in a little ball and die right there.

Instead I took a few tentative steps towards him, treating him like a skittish wild animal. When my approach turned his facial expression from one of rage to pain, I rushed to him cradling his face in my hands.

He rested his forehead on mine and whimpered, closing his eyes tight and grabbing my hips as I pulled my arms around his neck.

Everything was going to be ok. He was going to believe me. He was going to forgive me, as much as I didn't deserve it.

"Tell my I am dreaming, that I made it all up, that it isn't true," he sobbed, making me feel impossibly more horrible.

What kind of person did this to someone they loved?

"It isn't true Edward," I said with conviction, placing my hand over his bare chest and reveling in the electric current running between us. "Do you feel that Edward?"

He nodded slowly, still not opening his eyes.

"That is the truth Edward," I continued, referring to the current. I took his hand from my hip and put it over my own heart that was hammering away in time to his. "This right here, this connection is never going to change."

He opened his eyes then, silently pleading with me to end his misery. There was no saying if he would want to take me back after the atrocities I committed, but at least he would know the truth.

"I am so sorry rockstar. I lied to you. I panicked. The truth is that I lo—"

"Edward, baby, what are you doing out there?"

The raspy voice was familiar and effectively made my heart stop.

"Bella," Edward said, grabbing my shoulders to keep me from pulling away from him and looking into the hall where the voice came from. I glanced back to his face again, confused now.

There was surely only one explanation for that and I couldn't even wrap my head around the possibility of Edward being with someone else.

"BELLA," he said again, trying to get me to focus on him again. The footsteps were getting closer and I counted them down, as if counting down my final breaths on this planet as the person I once was. "What were you about to say? Please say it Bella. WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO FUCKING SAY?"

Our apartment was small. It was 12 steps from our bedroom door to our kitchen.

5 steps to go.

"Please, please, please Bella. Fix this. Tell me I dreamed all this shit up. Tell me you love me. What were you going to say?" he continued, full out crying now.

3 steps to go.

Edward had fucked someone else. In our bed. Two days after we pseudo broke up.

"BELLA IT IS FUCKING IMPORTANT THAT YOU SAY WHAT YOU STARTED TO SAY!" he screamed.

I understood what he meant earlier then, about the destruction of every part of a person.

0 steps to go.

"Well, well, well," said the tall blond as she crossed her arms and leaned casually against MY fridge in MY kitchen. "If it isn't the little lady. You look like shit."

My eyes focused on her and narrowed. I took in her bare, endless legs and the way Edward's t-shirt barely covered her lady bits.

Then I got to het fucking face.

Though at first all that new, blond hair had distracted me, there was no forgetting her evil gaze and satisfied smirk.

Edward screwed Heidi.

In the bed he had given me.

In my own home.

Without another word or glance in Edward's direction, I rushed out of the apartment. My home that was no longer my home. I made it all the way to my car with out vomiting anywhere, quite the accomplishment given the state I was in.

Edward screamed after me the whole time. He voice was only serving to rip the hole in my chest wider, encompassing everything I thought I knew about me, about him, about us.

"You broke up with ME Bella, you are the one who doesn't love me anymore," he yelled as he approached me. I fumbled with my keys, desperate to find a little shelter. His voice was tearing me up.

And it was all my fault.

That only served to make it more sickening.

"What were you going to say Bella?" he pleaded, his arms on my shoulders now. "I have to know. You cant fucking leave me like this, goddamn it Isabella, what the fuck were you going to say? What did you lie about? Every loving me or not loving me?"

"NOTHING," I finally screamed back.

I just shrugged him off and slipped into the car as he continued to yell and demand, ignoring that I replied at all. I glanced up to see Heidi watching from our open doorway, really enjoying our combined misery.

Edward was banging on the window now as I put the keys in the ignition with shaking hands. It would be a miracle if I made it to Charlie's unscathed.

Who the fuck was I kidding, I was already beyond scathed.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TURN ON THIS CAR ISABELLA! YOU ARE NOT FUCKING LEAVING AGAIN WITHOUT TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!"

He moved on so fast.

Maybe he was the one who didn't love me.

This hurt. So much more then I thought anything could. I always cheered myself during the tough times, telling myself that nothing could be worse then Renee announcing that she didn't know who my dad really was.

Phil gate had nothing on this.

I finally got the keys in the ignition, causing Edward to reach new levels of ape shit.

Screaming that he would rather die then see me drive away, he lay down behind my car, effectively blocking me into the narrow driveway.

He wouldn't more.

After being trapped for a full 15 minutes with Heidi watching and Edward screaming and me working hard to not completely shut down, I couldn't take it anymore.

I was desperate to remove myself from the situation, eager to find my dark hole to die it.

Surly ending it all would hurt less then this.

Edward, kissing another woman.

Edward, sharing his body with someone who wasn't me.

Edward, showing someone else how glorious his face was when he came.

Edward, refusing to fucking let me leave.

So I called the one, strong dependable person in my life. He also happened to live the closest.

"Jasper," I squeaked when I heard the line pick up, too upset to even bother to wait for his voice.

"Hey Bells," said Rosalie instead. "Whats up? You should come over to my dear cousins abode. He is teaching me how to make some legit, southern fried chicken! Not that I am doing very well. I am kinda hopeless."

She sounded so happy. It was an emotion I didn't anticipate recognizing ever again.

"Can… can I please talk to Jasper? It is important," I somehow managed to get out. My body was shutting down and I barely had control of my limbs. I felt disconnected from this life, this world.

Nothing made sense when Edward was fucking Heidi.

Why wouldn't he just let me leave?

"Bellie?" said Jasper in a concerned voice. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"Jazz," I exhaled, soothed by the sound of his voice. "Can you come outside please? Edward and I broke up, he won't let me leave."

There was silence on the other end of the line as he processed this seemingly shocking information.

I hadn't told a soul that Edward and I had broken up, partly because well wishers would disturb my alone time. Mostly it was because I fostered a deep hope that everything could be fixed, that we could get back to where we were before I became a champion liar. This was probably the first Jasper was hearing about the end of our relationship.

"On my way Bella," he said quietly as he hung up.

He and Rose emerged a second later, studying the scene before them, passing judgment to determine what should be done.

When Jasper spotted a half naked Heidi on the stoop, he raced to Edward, hauling my former love out from behind my car and pulling him into sight from my position in the drivers seat.

Jasper commenced to kick the shit out of Edward.

I wanted to tell him to stop, to not hurt the man I loved, that I already had done that with my lies, to land a few of those punches on Heidi why don't yah.

But somewhere between thoughts of my dishonesty, an image of Edward's face when he came, a glance to the smirking Heidi, and a montage of all the drinks I had seen him spike, the emotional overdrive became to much and I went fetal, curling up in a little ball and not responding as Jasper eventually drove me back to the Mc Mansion.

It was days before anyone had any luck getting me out of my comatose state.

~*~*~

EPOV

She was about to make everything better, to set events in motion to get us back onto the course of before.

But then she shut down and I shut down.

What the fuck had I been thinking? Fucking Heidi like that. I made myself sick.

Suddenly, I was thankful for the sharp pain of Jasper's fists connecting repeatedly with my body, I deserved this and far worse for proving again and again how unlovable I was.

Then Jasper delivered the best gift of all. I slipped into that lovely blackness as he continued to pound away at my body, making my mutilated outsides match my mutilated insides.

After a few more hits, Jasper gave me sweet nothingness.

When I woke up, I admitted to myself that it was over. Over. Over. Over. Over

It was days before I ran out of booze and was forced to leave the isolation of the home we once shared.


	18. Chapter 18

Now

EPOV

"So that's it. The whole sob story," I said to Alice through a mouthful of Thai food. It was evening now and we sat together on my back porch, watching the sunset over the pacific. I could hardly believe that just this morning I was lying in Bella's front lawn, it seemed like a lifetime ago. My story had taken a whole lot longer then I originally anticipated. It was a cathartic experience and I realized that I never really talked about it before. I figured if I was going to do it, I would do it right so Alice got all the little details.

She also hadn't said anything for a long time. Her pad Thai was left neglected and she was staring at me intently.

"Well?" I asked, a bit offended she didn't have anything to say after all that. "Do you have any stunning insight you would like to offer?"

She snorted. It was very un-Alice like and I laughed in response.

"Goddamn. Edward, you really need to talk to my sister."

I snorted this time.

"I am well aware of that. She is the one who won't talk to me," I muttered, bitter about her freak out from this morning even if talking to Alice had made me feel momentarily better.

"She will when she is ready Edward," Alice said, rather unhelpfully.

"I am fucking leaving in a week Ali! How the fuck long is it going to take?"

"Does it really matter? Is it really going to change how you feel? Are you really ever going to get to the point where you give up on her? Is there some sort of deadline? An expiration date on your love?"

"I get it, Alice. Point proven," I said, messing up her hair. She had always hated that. "So what do I do now? Answer me that Miss Know It All."

"Duh. You wait."

'That's it?" I asked, frowning. I was for a more active approach. Sitting around waiting would drive me crazy.

"Mostly. Call her. Let her know you are still around. Just don't be so aggressive. She is a skittish little bunny, our Bella," Alice chirped as she stole a piece of chicken from my styrofoam container, giving me a little goofy crossed eyed look.

I was suddenly extremely grateful for the annoying little pixie.

"Thank you," I muttered into my food, feeling like a chick.

"For what?" she asked, puzzled.

"For still paling around with me, even after everything that went down with your sister. I would have completely understood if you didn't want anything to do with me. Like Rose. And Jasper," I continued despite my embarrassment.

"You both made a lot of mistakes Edward, but I am not one to judge. To pry and order about, yes. But judge, no. Plus you were pathetic back then, the perfect specimen to boss around," she said as she took more of my chicken.

"Alice, you are basically my best friend you know," I pressed on, grimacing at my quickly disappearing food.

I was trying to be a decent guy for once and the evil sprite was taking advantage of me.

"Likewise Eddie-poo. But Bella is my baby sister. I can't take care of both of you all the time…"

"And Bella comes first."

"Exactly."

"That is just how is should be Ali. So now I wait?" I asked again, hoping she would change her mind and let me do something rash.

"You wait."

~*~*~

Sunday.

It was finally Sunday.

I was pacing around the front room of my house, glancing toward the big bay windows every few seconds in the hopes of seeing a dark Mercedes driving down the long driveway.

Bella had picked up Nessie from the school today and taken her to dinner. She would be delivering my daughter any minute. Since I missed my Nessie time this week and I was leaving on tour next weekend, Bella graciously allowed Ness to come stay with me for a few school days.

It was the slowest goddamn day of my life. The anticipation of seeing both my girls was killing me.

I had followed Alice's words of wisdom, texting Bella only twice since yesterday to tell her that I hoped she was ok, that I missed her, and that whenever she was ready I would be here to talk to her.

She replied with a simple ok.

It wasn't much, but it gave me hope for the future. At least she didn't declare her hate for me or refuse to ever talk to me again.

Wheels on pavement. They were here.

I was out the door in a flash, watching the painfully slow progress of the car and loitering awkwardly on my front steps with my hands in my pockets.

The moment the car reached a standstill in front of me, the door burst open and Nessie flew out, squealing as I picked her up and spun her around.

"Sweet child, oh how I missed you," I exclaimed as I rained kisses on her cheeks.

"Ew, Dad!" she yelled, batting me away playfully. "Your face is all scratchy."

I laughed. She always hated it when I didn't shave. I would have remembered this if I hadn't been so busy obsessing over her mother.

"Sorry short stuff," I said as I put her down, planting a final kiss on the top of her curly head before releasing her and turning to the car.

Bella had emerged and she stood uneasily by the now open trunk, blushing as we made eye contact.

I just had to stand there and stare for a moment. Her very presence threw off my equilibrium.

Damn, she was beautiful.

The air crackled between us and I had an almost overwhelming desire to get down on one fucking knee.

Again.

"Wow, Dad," Nessie said from beside me, studying my face intently. "You look like a cartoon character. That look on your face is really… silly."

She looked back and forth between Bella and myself, trying to work something out in her head. You could practically see the gears turning.

"You too, Mom," she whispered, almost to herself. "Ummm… I, uh… have to go to the bathroom," she said in a rush before zipping into the house.

"What was that about?" I asked Bella, nodding my head in the direction Nessie disappeared.

"I have no idea. She was talking a million miles a minute about her trip all throughout dinner before she started asking me if I was ok. She said that I am different. She sounded like Alice," Bella mumbled, blushing again.

We went back to quietly observing each other for a moment before I slowly approached her.

"How are you?" I asked, tucking a strain hair behind her ear.

"I am ok," she said, giving me a sad little smile. "How are you?"

"Good, good," I replied, looking down at my feet and feeling like an idiot but not knowing what else to say. Alice probably would disapprove of all the things I wanted to do in that moment, none of which involved waiting at all. "I broke up with Tanya. Just to be clear, though it was probably pretty obvious from the way things went down yesterday," I blurted, hoping that Bella wouldn't flip out at the mention of my ex like she did last time.

She nodded once and we slipped back into a tense silence again. I became fascinated with a crack in my driveway.

"I am sorry," she, just as I had, blurted suddenly, placing a hand on my chest to draw my attention back to her face.

"For what?" I asked warily. Please don't say for sleeping with me. Please don't say for sleeping with me. Please say anything but that you regret it.

"For running away. Again," she added with an eye roll. I exhaled loudly, relieved by her statement as unnecessary as the apology was.

"No, I am sorry sunshine. For giving you anything to run away from in the first place." It pretty much summed up how I felt about our entire relationship. I hoped Bella knew I wasn't just talking about yesterday. "I am a fucking idiot," I added, for good measure.

She laughed. Goddamn I missed that. It was my favorite kind of music.

"You are a bit of a fucking idiot, yeah."

Her hand lingered on my chest and I found myself twitching to touch her, anywhere. I sighed loudly and rested my forehead against hers in frustration.

"What are we going to do about this?" I asked, glad we were both finally behaving like rational beings.

"I honestly don't know. There is so much and nothing to say all at the same time. Edward—" She was interrupted by her phone going off, some horrible 80s hair metal.

"Fuck" she whispered under her breath as she glanced at the screen and answered the phone slowly, backing away from me as she did so.

"Jake," she said in a semi-pained voice.

I wanted to fucking demolish things.

In his 2 week absence, I had pretty much banished Jacob motherfucking Black from my mind. I would prefer it if he didn't exist at all. But he was fucking back now, with a vengeance.

He had Bella, I didn't.

He would what to touch her, kiss her, love her. I clenched my jaw and willed my fists to remain inert at my sides. I wanted to kill something, pound something.

End Jacob motherfucking Black for even being in the same room as my Bella.

Mine.

But that was definitely old Edward behavior and I had to show Bella that I wasn't that angry, irrationally possessive to the point of violence person anymore. I really had grown up.

Bella continued to back away, trying to get a little privacy for her call I assumed. But fuck that. I had to fucking know what she was saying to him. This stalking thing wasn't a demonstration of new Edward and change. Baby steps. She was lucky the phone was still in her hand.

"It is over Jacob. I am passionately in love with Edward. Never talk to me again." This would be the best case scenario.

"I love you Jacob, come over quick so you can fuck me all over my house. Lets get married and have lots of babies. Also, I have always thought Vampire Sunrise was shit and faked it with my ex, whats-his-name." This would be the worst.

Why was I driving myself crazy with scenarios when I could be listening to the real thing?

I stormed toward her, cornering her near a hedge. She glared at me and I glared right back. She wasn't going anywhere for the moment.

"So you are already back then? I thought your flight didn't get in till later tonight?" she asked, flustered by my close proximity.

"You wanted to surprise me?" she said, wincing slightly. "You really didn't need to do that Jake… Ok, yeah I am not home right now… Dropping off Ness," she continued, eyes periodically flashing to mine. "Oh, just at Edward's."

She was forced to hold the phone away for a moment and I got even madder. Nobody should be yelling at my Bella.

"Jake, calm down… No he is not here right now!" she said, her voice getting high pitched, just like it always did when she lied. "And even if he was, there is no way I would let you talk to him… Unnecessary drama Jake… Whatever, will you please just come over?" She appeared to be trying to melt through the hedge in an attempt to get away from me.

Sorry babe, you are tapped.

"Yeah, I will meet you there. I just need to say goodbye to Nessie and then I will leave." Another wince. Bella was guilty and I felt bad that she was suffering because of me. And then I stopped feeling bad when as I remembered that she was fucking going back to him, practically goddamn begging him to come over. "I will see you soon, bye."

She roughly ended the call and shoved me back with both hands on my chest.

"You asshole!" she exclaimed. "You couldn't give me a little bit of privacy?"

At least I didn't start destroying things. A little ease dropping was mild compared to the scenes of dismemberment flicking through my head.

"Are you going to tell him?" I asked, cutting through the rest of the bullshit. Bella's mouth, that was open in preparation to hurl another round of insults at me no doubt, quickly shut and she looked away.

"Well?" I said, forgetting for a minute all about Alice and her waiting.

Bella remained silent and looked to be on the verge of tears.

Yea well, join the motherfucking club.

"Are you going to tell him about us Isabella?" I said, failing at keeping the inner turmoil out of my voice.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Yes," she whispered before stepping around me and stomping back to the car.

Really? Oh, that was excellent. Fucking excellent. I was thrilled about it, but then I got suspicious. Why was she going to tell him? Because she wants to be honest and save her relationship? Or because she wants to break it off now that I am back in the picture?

How was she going to tell him? As a regret? Or as something that was bound to happen sooner or later? Or maybe as the best night of her life?

How would Jacob Black react? Would he be hurt? (Probable.) Would he pissed? (More probable.) Would he lash out in anger? (hopefully at me, I would love to kick his ass.) Would he lash out at Bella? (If he hurt her at all I would kill him, fuck the consequences.)

Maybe I shouldn't let her do this. It seemed a bit risky.

What the fuck was wrong with me? I wanted her to do this. I would never again be her dirty little secret. Plus it would probably mean that they were over.

"Bella," I said, reaching out for her.

"I have to go Edward. I am not running, I just… I can only handle one thing at a time. Let me talk to Jake. I just don't have the words for you yet." She kissed my jaw quickly before yelling into the house for Nessie, saying goodbye to our daughter, getting back in her car and driving away before I had a chance to say anything.

I stood there a bit dazed, absently touching the spot on my face where her lips had been a moment before as I pondered her words. Maybe this waiting thing was working after all. The whole interaction gave me more hope. At least she planned to have the words in the future.

"So have you won her back yet?" asked Nessie from where she popped up by my elbow.

I glanced at my daughter, hardly surprised that she picked up on what was going on so quickly. Nessie had always been as observant as her mother. She had always also had a really hard time with the fact that we weren't together.

Once started kindergarten and realized that her family was different from most of those of her classmates, she was just full of questions. Why don't you live with momma and I? Why do I only see you on weekends? Why don't you and mommy love each other?

How does one explain to a six year old? Well, darling, a series of drunken events caused your mother to fall out of love with me and although she might have tried to stick it out I fucked the first piece of trash I ran into in your mom's bed and ruined everything.

So I gave her the most basic, non-descript answers possible, doing nothing to alleviate her curiosity.

One of Nessie's favorite things to do was to pull out the boxes of photographs and mementos that she kept in the huge entertainment center that dominated the living room. Sometimes she would ask me a specific question about the circumstances surrounding a photo, but she didn't do it very often. I think she could see the pain it caused me on my face.

She loved us both and wanted the three of us to be a family again, even if she didn't remember the brief time when we actually were.

"What makes you think that is what is going on?" I asked, trying to be casual and wondering why I was even bothering. Nessie knew.

"Come on Dad!" she groaned, throwing her hands up in frustration. "It is obvious that you are meant to be together! Even I know that. Just like the movies."

"I don't know if I would go that far—"

"You love Mom right?" she insisted.

"Well, when I said that I didn't necessarily mean romantic love—"

"Just answer the question Dad!"

"Yes Nessie. I love your mother but that doesn't mean that we will get back together."

"Are you trying to win her back or not?"

She made it sound like a Disney movie involving princes and fairytales. If only it were that simple.

"Working on it kiddo," I finally admitted, putting an arm around her shoulders. "But don't get your hopes up. We have a lot to work out."

I wanted to keep Nessie out of this. She was going to be so disappointed if things didn't turn out how she wanted them to.

So I would just have to succeed. After all, I always gave Nessie just what she wanted.

~*~*~

BPOV

Finally it was Sunday. Finally I had a reason to get out of bed.

Nessie was back today, though I would only see her for several hours before I brought her to her fathers. But it was ok, I had Jake to deal with tonight and I didn't want Nessie anywhere near that situation.

But my very perceptive daughter was back this afternoon, and I had to make myself presentable. She would probably notice if I showed up in sweatpants, with greasy hair pulled back into a messy ponytail.

It wasn't exactly my typically outfit.

So after successfully spending the better part of yesterday and this morning in bed, I forced myself to get up and survey the damage. I stripped out of my baggy clothes and made myself stand in front of my full-length mirror.

Oh dear sweet baby Jesus.

Beard burn. Love bites. The faint imprint of two large hands on each of my hips. Horrible hair that basically looked like dreadlocks. Was that a fucking hicky on my neck? Who over the age of 17 even does that?

I was the very definition of a hot mess.

It shouldn't have made me so happy, that he left his marks on me. I loved feeling like I belonged to him, as far from the truth as it was. I belonged to Jake, who I would be picking up at the airport late tonight. Who I would be crushing with the news that I slept with my ex while he was away.

Lord what a day it would be.

I wondered what Edward was doing right this minute.

I had no fucking clue what to do. Tell Jake the truth and then take it from there I suppose. Jake wouldn't want to be with me anymore. Neither would Edward, once he knew the truth too.

That I was a nasty little liar.

I would end up alone and it was nothing more then I deserved, after hurting so many people. I was my mother, as hard as I tried to be a better person I was Renee in a nutshell.

Instead of dwelling on all the ways I had fucked up my life and the lives of those around me, I kept getting ready, trying not to think.

Unfortunately my sister had other plans for me.

"Helloooo," called the pixie from the first floor. I cursed myself for giving her a key. "Where are you, you dirty little slut?"

Fucking Jasper. This was just great. I ran my brush through my hair for a final time and gave myself a onceover, satisfied that at least I looked like I normally did.

"What?" I said petulantly as I descended the stairs. I put my hands on my hips and glared down at my tiny big sister.

"Don't you what me, you know what," she said, grinning like the fucking Cheshire cat. "You got yourself a little lovin'. A little Edward Cullen lovin'." Hands stretched high over her head, she abruptly broke out it a pelvis thrusting dance.

"Alice…" I sighed. "You really sound way to pleased about this. I cheated on my boyfriend! I am a disgusting monster! A horrible person!"

She stopped dancing and winced at the look my face.

"Alright, so ideally you would have taken out the trash before you hooked up with the love of your life again, but what's done is done," she said, putting her finger tips together and nodding like a Buddhist monk.

"I thought you liked Jake?" I asked, confused. Typically it was only Rose that voiced her issues with my boyfriend. Alice and Jacob always seemed to get along fine.

"I don't not like Jake. I have said it before, you aren't going to end up with him. Plus, he is too controlling, he doesn't get your responsibility as a mother, he smells weird," she said, listing off the Jake's issues on one hand.

"He doesn't smell weird," I said in a small voice, not even bothering to defend him on the other two counts.

Alice gave me that all too knowing look of hers and opened her mouth to continue.

"Alright, I get it," I said, holding a hand up to stop her. "But I am the one in the wrong here, I am the one who cheated. He deserves so much better then that."

"This is true. Not a shinning moment for you or Edward for that matter. Though honestly I am surprised it took this long. You two are inevitable."

"I don't know what to do now Ali. I am so confused." I sat down on the stairs and cradled my head in my hands. My sister quickly joined me and her presence made me feel better.

I loved my sister, despite her annoying dancing, knowing looks, and deep friendship with my ex.

"Yup, this whole thing is getting a bit ridiculous. So I talked to Edward, for a really, really, really long time. He might be even more of a mess then you," she continued, causing my head to snap up.

"How is he? God I shouldn't have just ran out like that. Did he tell you that Tanya fucking Denali walked in on me naked?" I said in a rush.

"He is ok, better now. I don't think he had talked about all of it before and that seemed to help. And I laughed for about 6 years when he told me about Tanya." I glared at her and flicked her ear. "What? It is fucking funny. He is such an idiot."

I cracked a small smile. It was pretty absurd, looking back on it.

"He told me everything you know. It took him hours."

I looked at her, confused now.

"Everything?"

"The entire break up history of Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen. Things sort of make more sense now. You two were always so cryptic about the whole thing. No one really knows what happened but the two of you. Until now that is," she said, smirking at me.

It is not like I ever made a conscious decision to not fill everyone in. I just couldn't talk about it back then and the gang assumed the worse. Most of them knew it had something to do with him drinking. Everyone but Emmett thought he cheated on me, something I denied. No one really believed me though, considering the scene Jazz and Rose witnessed.

"There is one small fact I don't really understand," she said, tilting my face towards hers with my chin. Shit Alice was pissed and I was fairly sure I knew why. "Edward seems to be laboring under the misinterpretation that you don't love him."

I groaned, so sick every time I thought about it.

"Oh Bella, you didn't," she said, shoulders slumping. "Why?"

"He… he… he wouldn't let me stay with Charlie and then he was trying to quit the band! How could I let him do that? For me? When it is so much a part of him? I panicked and I just said it. If there was ever one moment I could take back in all my life, that would be it."

"You have to talk to him you know. Tell him that you fucked up."

"I know."

"You have to tell Jake too."

"I know that too."

"Lord what a mess. What are you going to do, baby sister?" Alice asked, placing a comforting arm around my shoulder.

"I have no idea. I am going to tell Jake tonight, but beyond that… I just have no idea," I said, willing my head to not explode.

"What do you want Bella?" she asked earnestly.

"I want everyone to be happy," I said after a moments hesitation. "I don't want anyone to get hurt and I just want everyone to be happy. Healthy. Whole."

"Bella," she said sternly, letting me know she thought my answer was crap. "What do YOU want? What makes you happy, healthy, whole?"

"Edward," I breathed, still not looking at my sister. "I want Edward, but I don't know if we can work out our multitude of issues. I don't think he will want me after he knows the truth. I don't want to hurt Jake, but that seems unavoidable at this point. I don't want to lose him either."

"Well, good luck with all that. And I don't know about Jake, but Edward has some shit to tell you too. I honestly think you will work it out. Eventually. Now," she said, clapping her hands together and looking downright mischievous. "Give me all the dirty details. How did this happen? Edward wasn't exactly forthcoming so spill!"

I smiled despite myself and did what she asked for once. It was a rare occasion, but sometimes I really liked girl talk.

~*~*~

"MOM!" yelled Nessie before her feet even touched the ground as she descended the steps from the school bus.

I squealed in return and ran to meet her halfway as she ran to me from the other direction. A moment later I was on my knees and wrapping my arms around my daughter.

"I missed you," I whispered into her ear as she giggled.

"Mom, I was gone for three days! Doesn't it seem silly to miss someone after three days?" she asked as she pulled back and looked at me.

"It is absolutely not silly. It is perfectly normal to miss someone after three minutes when you love that someone as much as I love you."

"Well good because I actually did miss you too," she said, hugging me again. "And Dad."

My heart stuttered at the illusion to him, but I persevered.

"Did you have a good time?" I asked as I rose and shouldered her large bag, walking hand and hand with my daughter back to the car.

"I had a great time! It was the best weekend ever. I will have to show you the journal I made. We got to hike and make observations and draw things and eat mores."

"S'mores honey."

"Yea those. But it was so much fun. Can we look at my pictures at dinner?"

"I insist."

We arrived at a little, mom and pop Italian restaurant that Nessie loved. We were seated and my daughter continued to talk at her usual 90 million miles a minute, effectively painting a picture of her weekend for me.

We were just finishing up, relaxing and laughing as I paid the check.

"So you are taking me to Dad's now, right?" Nessie asked.

Again with the heart stuttering. Medically I didn't think spines could do anything really, but I swear mine was palpitating.

The thought of seeing him was giving me spinal palpitations. What in the hell did that even mean?

"That's the plan. You know he is leaving next weekend and wanted to spend some time with you before he hit the road."

My daughter's normally jovial look turned sour and she sighed heavily.

"I don't like it when he leaves," she grumbled as she frowned.

"Nessie, darling, believe me when I say that I understand completely. It does really suck," I said, not bothering to sugar coat it.

"You don't like it when Dad goes on tour either?" she asked,

"When your dad and I were together, I hated it," I nodded. "But when I would see him live and I would understand. That is what he was born to do. Your dad is extraordinary, especially when he is on stage. It is like magic."

"Magic," she said, smiling now. "Yeah, it is pretty great, going to his concerts. But I will still miss him though."

"Oh I know Nessie. Trust me, I really know."

"Mom?" Nessie asked in a wary tone that made me nervous.

"Yes, darling daughter?"

"Well, are you ok?" she asked quietly at first before launching into a mini tirade. "Because you have been really happy lately, different then usual. You smile more and you laugh a lot. And I know I am only ten but I am not stupid Mom. You look at Dad like people in the movies who are in love. And Dad looks at you like that too. I have never seen you look at Jake like that. Not one time."

"Nessie…" I started in am attempt to placate my far too observant and smart little girl. She wouldn't be deterred.

"BUT," she continued, raising a hand with authority and making me giggle. "We didn't listen to music on the car ride over here. We always listen to music unless you are really sad and thinking about Dad."

"What makes you say that?" I asked, horrified. I thought I did an excellent job of hiding all this from everyone I loved. First Alice then Nessie. I was pathetic. And transparent, apparently.

"We never listen to any music for the whole month of October. Aunt Alice says it is because music reminds you of Dad. And you and Dad broke up in October," she said, looking smug. "And now you look really sad and we didn't listen to any music."

"Nessie, I am fine. Perfectly happy."

"He still loves you. He told me so."

I fumbled with my wallet as I tried to put it away in my purse. I ended up dropping the whole bundle on the ground in my shock.

Luckily Nessie took pity on me and changed the subject as we made our way to the car. She kept looking at me in concern.

I was so flustered by the time I pulled into Edward's driveway, I contemplated not even getting out of the car. But I was a fucking adult so I did and that stupid electric current was nearly the death of me. God that was confusing.

I needed to tell him the truth real soon here.

Then Jacob, my boyfriend, called and I was forced to talk to him with Edward hovering. It was furious with all three of us. Me for cheating. Edward for confusing me. And Jake for being the possessive jerk he always accused Edward of being.

Jacob really threw me off my game by flying home early. I expected to have several hours alone to collect my thoughts. To plan. I had always been a planner and Jake was ruining it. And I couldn't even be mad at him because I was the cheater. I was the one who did this.

Plus I didn't want to leave Edward, even when I was pissed at him.

Even at a time like this, when I was about to hurt someone I cared about so deeply and forever damage my relationship with Jake , I couldn't get his face out of my head.

I was doomed to live a life forever revolving around Edward Cullen.

He was a passionate loner, who created spectacular music and could make me laugh. He was an intelligent orphan who loved me once upon a time. He was a beautiful asshole who always had to get his way.

But he was my beautiful asshole who always had to get his way.

I didn't know if either of us would recover from this latest turn of events, I wasn't sure either of us wanted too.

There were so many questions surrounding our future, but I couldn't think about that now.

I was on my way to see my boyfriend for the first time in 10 days. I was about to break his heart.

What a cluster fuck.

Jacob Black was waiting for me on my porch when I got home. I could tell by the rigid way he held his body that he wasn't happy. I parked in the driveway and slammed the door behind me, approaching my boyfriend slowly.

"Hey," I said as he rose from his seat on the stairs and practically sprinted towards me. "How was your trip? Did you have a good—" He cut me off with a hard kiss.

"Ah… well… um, that's nice, but" I tried again, attempting to talk to him but he just kissed me again. He picked me up as his mouth moved to my neck and my feet dangled haplessly, hovering inches off the ground. "Jake?" I said again, giggling slightly.

What? I was ticklish.

He walked me into the house and started up the stairs, ignoring my weak protests. Shit, this was really happening. Could he possibly make this any harder?

Speaking of hard…

Oh dear. Apparently he missed me a bit more then I missed him. It was adding to my guilt considerably.

He attempted to take off my shirt and my whole body stiffened.

I needed to tell him what happened with Edward before he discovered the physical evidence for himself. And beyond that, I didn't want to do anything with him. I didn't want him touching me at all.

"JAKE!" I yelled, smacking his shoulders.

"Humm?" he said from the general vicinity of my neck.

"Put me down please," I said, hoping my voice would indicate how serious I was. "I need to tell you something."

"Alright fine," he said, pouting slightly. "Talking first then sex. I have something to tell you too. Let me go first."

I sighed and nodded, walking back down the stairs to the family room where he sat across from me. Once we were settled I motioned for him to begin.

"Ok. Right. Well I did a lot of thinking this trip. You know, about us and stuff." Wow, Jake sounded serious. Jake was never serious. Maybe if he broke up with me I wouldn't have to tell him about Edward. "I really missed you these last couple of weeks and I know we haven't really been getting along lately. We have just been having the same old fights and I was really pissed that you didn't come to Forks with me. But I have been a dick too so I think it is just best if we start over," he concluded without pausing to take a breath.

When I didn't respond and just continued to stare at him like a deranged person no doubt, he stuck out his hand for me to shake, reaching across the coffee table that separated us.

"Pardon?" I said, not really getting it, too focused on this horrible thing I had to confess. The last thing I wanted was to hurt Jake like this. Jake was still my best friend and I couldn't really picture my life without him in it.

He grabbed my hand and shook it vigorously. "I am Jacob Black. It is really great to meet you."

Yup, he had figured out how to make it harder.

"And you are…" he prompted, trying and failing to be adorable. Even under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have appreciated his little stunt. Though I should give him some credit for making an effort, he was basically giving himself a free pass to avoid all our issues.

"Jake," I started, leaving my hands in my lap.

"No seriously Bella," he continued. "Lets just start over, a completely blank slate. We don't have to tell me whatever you have to tell me now. We will just start over. I forgive you."

I raised an eyebrow at that last comment, but didn't snap at him like I wanted to. I kept reminding myself that he was the victim.

"Jake, I have to tell you this."

"You really don't," he insisted but I pressed on anyway.

"No, I really do. Something happened while you were gone."

"What?" he snapped, his eyes narrowing and his body tensing. Now I had his attention. What happened to new beginnings?

"I am so sorry Jake. I never meant to hurt you and it just sort of happened. But I—"

"Did you sleep with someone?" he yelled suddenly, interrupting me just as I was about to say it.

"Yes," I whispered, forcing myself to look into his eyes as I did so. It was so hard to see the torment and fury I put there but I did it. I deserved to suffer for my actions.

And as guilty as I felt about hurting Jake, I couldn't make myself feel guilty for sleeping with Edward. How could I? When it was just so perfect and, for lack of a better word, right?

I felt guilty for not feeling guilty.

I also felt guilty for letting Jake believe that I could do it. That I could ever really be over Edward Cullen. I should have been strong a year ago when he expressed his feelings for me. I could never give Jake what he wanted and in the process of trying I would end up hurting him so much.

"Unbelievable. Un fucking believable. How could you Bella? How could you do this to me? Why? Am I not enough for you?" He continued to rant and rave at me, standing from the couch and pacing in front of me. I knew from experience that there would be no talking to him until he got all the anger out of his system so I waited and let him yell.

I hadn't even told him the worst part yet.

He continued on like this for several more minutes until he stopped suddenly, slowly turning to face me. The look on his face frightened me and I could tell that he just thought of the worst part.

Well, the worst part of Jacob. It was the only part that mattered to me.

"Who?" he asked in a low, dangerous voice.

I gulped and sat there looking guilty, suddenly unable to speak.

"WHO BELLA?" he yelled. "It was him wasn't it? Wasn't it?"

I nodded and had to look away.

"What Bella? WHAT? Tell me what you did, say it!" he was getting in my face now and it scared me.

"I slept with Edward," I said, looking him in the eye again.

He tore away from me, punching one hand with the other, growling and cussing.

"I am so sorry Jacob." And I meant it. I was sorry that I hurt him. I was sorry that I wasn't able to give him what he wanted and needed. I was sorry that I had risked our friendship in the first place.

I just couldn't bring myself to be sorry for being with Edward.

"How did this even happen Bella? You cant fucking stand to be in the same room as the guy! You have barely seen him since your sisters wedding!" I was glad he was across the room doing all this yelling now.

I could feel the fury rolling off him in hot waves, even from the distance. Who knew what he would do to me if he was closer.

I glanced at his face when he paused and I saw that he really wanted an answer this time.

"I haven't, I mean, I really don't know how it happened. It just sort of happened."

"Is that what you have been doing for the last 10 days? Is that why you wouldn't come with me to Forks? Is that why you were really at his house today?" he screamed.

"No Jake, it was just one night," I stammered in an attempt to placate him. One really amazing, passionate night where Edward made me come more in several hours then Jake did in the year since we started sleeping together. But I decided not to share this detail. "And I really was just dropping Nessie off today. It wasn't something I planned, it just happened."

Nothing I said would make him feel better.

"Is this pay back Bella?" he sneered. "Is this your way of punishing me because we haven't been getting along? Were you trying to hurt me?"

I gapped at him in shock.

"Of course not Jake!" I said, rising and going over to him now, trying to provide a little comfort. "I wasn't thinking anything like that. Well, I wasn't really thinking at all but it most certainly had nothing to do with you. I promise."

His large form continued to shake and his glare deepened. I could see now that he wanted me to confirm this. That he wanted it to be about him somehow. That he wanted that forefront position in my head.

That he wanted my decisions to about him not about Edward and I.

There was no lying to Jake. He had a front row seat for all of our history. He knew exactly how I felt about Edward back then and the mess I had been since. In recent years I had gotten better, I was able to function and hide my lingering feelings for the most part. But I knew Jake must still have his suspicions.

"I cant fucking believe this."

"I know. I know. It is horrible. I am so unbelievably sorry."

"I have to go," he said, abruptly stalking down the hall towards my front door. "I don't know what to do now."

"Wait, Jake," I said as I struggled to keep up with him. "Shouldn't we talk about this?"

"What else is there to say Bella?" he asked. "I mean, infidelity isn't a deal breaker for me Bella."

What? How is cheating not a deal breaker? It is most definitely one for me. How could he even say that?

"But being with him? I don't know if I can handle that. I mean, that prick, of all people. I mean really, how the fuck could you?"

I just looked ashamed and didn't say anything. All the things compelling me to be with Edward would only hurt Jake more so I kept my mouth firmly shut.

"This is the part where you are supposed to say that you made a mistake, that you fucked up, that it will never happen again and you love me," he continued, turning to look at me expectantly.

I opened my mouth to speak but then I realized I couldn't honestly say any of that.

"Do you want to get back together with him?" he yelled again, all vestiges of his former semi-calm and sadness gone. Now Jake was just plain mad.

"Jake, I honestly don't know what I want. I just know that after everything that has happened, I don't see us working out. I can't stay with you if it was so easy to fuck up this badly. It is not fair to you," I said having a really hard time even looking at him.

"You know what Bella, fine, it is over. You can't even defend yourself or fight for us at all! I can't do this any more. You are never going to be over him and I am done being the runner up!"

And with that he was out the door and in his car and cursing off down the street, leaving me staring after him with an odd combination of relief and loss coursing through my veins.

Slowly I crawled back to bed, mourning the departure of my best friend and pondering what came next.


	19. Chapter 19

Hello all, this is like my first author note ever.

So I have been really busy with school and havent had any writing time. But finals are done so I am back. It is still going to be a few days till I crank our the next real chapter.

I was never actually planning on posting this. I wrote it months ago during a rather intense bout of writers block. But it is all done so I figured I would just post it and give everyone something to look forward too.

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who is reading. I am just thrilled that there are people out there enjoying my little tale.

Let me know what you think.

* * *

Jacob Black was a fairly happy go lucky individual. He was perpetually in a good mood and was a fan of just about everything. Food, cars, people, places. He especially liked himself. Jacob Black was happy and confident and enjoyed just about everything.

Except school.

Jacob Black really hated school.

And Edward Cullen. He really hated Edward Cullen. But that would come a little later.

So when at 16 the opportunity arose for him to move to California to help start a new, high grade auto shop and drop out of high school, he was quite excited. His father, tribe elder Billy Black, was against this. He didn't want Jacob so far home, away from the tight knit community of La Push and his pack of friends and family.

But then Billy remembered that his dear, old friend from Forks, Charlie Swan, lived there with his beautiful new wife and pair of teenage daughters. The chief was as good as family, if not better, and Billy was satisfied with Jake's move after he talked to Charlie who agreed to keep an eye out for Jake as much as possible.

So Jake moved to a new place so unlike the only one he had ever known, alone at the age of 16.

Fulfilling his promise to his father, Jake called Charlie the second he landed. The owner and CEO of Swan Records himself agreed to pick up the young Quileute boy from the airport. Though Jake didn't know this at the time, it was kind of a big deal being as Charlie was a very busy man. But Charlie loved Billy as much as Billy loved Charlie.

A car service just wasn't good enough for the son of Charlie's best friend.

Charlie was instantly impressed with Jacob Black. He was friendly, outgoing, funny, and respectful. A man's man. The kind of kid each of his daughters should be dating. Though Charlie knew that Alice was a lost cause (she had been dating Jasper Whitlock pretty much since she moved in with Charlie as a little kid. Plus Charlie secretly liked Jasper, despite the compromising position he wished he never walked in on.) he hadn't given up hope for finding the perfect boyfriend for his youngest, Isabella.

Isabella and Charlie were kindred souls, and Charlie worried about the shy little girl who had transformed into the queen of her high school, seemingly overnight. He worried that she was going to get hurt by the brooding young man who seemed to only want to use her for her connections in the music industry.

He was sullen, dressed bizarrely, and drank too much, but there was no talking to Bella. Charlie had stopped trying to warn his daughter about this young man and they had been together for almost a year.

Edward Cullen had driven a wedge between Charlie and his baby girl so Charlie stopped complaining and stopped trying to separate them. It proved an exercise in futility but that didn't mean Charlie had totally given up hope.

But maybe if she fully understood what else was out there, she would finally dump the guy that was nowhere near good enough for her.

Part of Charlie wondered if he would ever think anyone was good enough for either of his daughters. He sincerely doubted it.

But he really thought Jake was a great guy and was having visions of him and Billy, sipping beer at family Christmas's, enjoying the fact that their children had found happiness with each other.

So Charlie gave Jake Bella's phone number. Jake didn't know anyone yet and Bella knew everyone, even if she liked a very small portion of the massive population she chose to socialize with. It made perfect sense to give Jake Bella's phone number and encourage him to call her.

Jake, on the other hand, couldn't have been happier and texted Bella as soon as Charlie dropped him off at the new apartment that he would share with his future co-worker, Jared.

Jacob Black remembered Bella Swan. He remembered her laugh and he remembered thinking to his infantile self that he would never love anyone like he loved her.

Every year he looked foreword to getting the Swan Family's Christmas card that would go up on the fridge with all the others in December. He had watched her grow into a beautiful young women of the years and was thrilled to get the opportunity to get to know the real Bella, not the fictional one he worshiped in his head.

_Hey Bella, I know this is strange but this is Jacob Black. Charlie gave me your number, how are you? _

He texted as he got himself settled in, feeling lonely and homesick.

_Jacob, it is nice to hear from you. The Chief mentioned that you were moving to our neck of the woods. I am great, how are you settling in so far?_

He was thrilled she replied at all and quickly responded.

_I am good. Where I am living seems nice, but I don't know anyone yet so I thought I would give the little girl I used to make mud pies with a holler. _

He entertained fantasies of ripping off all her clothes and pounding into her while he waited for her reply.

_Mud pies, huh? Cant say that I really remember that so I will have to take your word on it. I am going with some friends to see a concert at this club tonight. Do you want to meet us there? _

He very much so wanted to meet her there. Plus a nightclub seemed like the perfect place to put the moves on Bella Swan. In his young life, Jacob had already had quite a bit of success with the ladies and he was confidante Bella Swan wouldn't be any different.

When he arrived at the Factor that night, he immediately honed in on the table where Bella was sitting with her sister, Alice, who he also recognized. Two others flanked them, the most fucking beautiful girl he had ever seen and some tall, blond dude.

If he struck out with Bella, he would take that blond any day.

"So what brings you to L.A Jake?" Jasper, the tall boy asked after a few minutes of chat during which Jake felt like he had known Bella and to a lesser extent Alice for years.

"A job," he replied, struggling to keep his eyes off of Bella's rack.

"Aren't you still in school?" Bella asked him. He had such a young face despite his huge, hulking form.

"Well, school was never really my thing. And a buddy of mine's older brother is opening an auto shop out here, so I figured I would give the sunshine a shot." Just being near Bella made him hot and he was fucking thrilled that Billy agreed to let him make this darning move down the coast.

"Do you like it so far?" Bella asked, continuing to look curious.

"I just got here yesterday," Jake said, his eyes holding all sorts of promises of what was to come for Bella and him if everything went smoothly. "But it is pretty great so far."

And then he winked, just to be perfectly clear. He knew that he had an effect on women and planned on using all the tricks to get Bella naked.

The table had gotten uncomfortably quite as Jacob continued to stare. Bella turned a bight shade of red and Jake was momentarily pleased that his flirting had affected her so.

Then she had to open her mouth and ruin everything.

"Yes. Well. It is pretty nice. My boyfriend, Edward, and I try to get to the beach as much as possible. " Jacob clenched his fists under the table and his mind was flooded with curses and images of all the ways he would like to dispose of Bella's so called boyfriend. Jacob knew without a doubt that he was superior in every way to Bella's boyfriend and vowed to show her what she was missing at every opportunity he could manage until she finally ditched the asshole. "Speaking of my boyfriend, Edward, his band should be starting every minute. My boyfriend, Edward, he plays the guitar and sings. They are rather excellent."

Jacob found her uncomfortable babbling to be the most adorable thing that he had ever seen and strengthen his resolve to steal Bella away. She was just too cute and so pretty.

The rest of the table started laughing and seemed to be making fun of Bella, but Jake didn't totally understand. He took his mission very seriously and didn't see anything funny about Bella's rambling or that fact that she wasn't single.

He would change that soon enough anyway.

The blows kept coming when he was told that every single girl at the table was taken. Not that he much cared anymore. Bella was his new project. He was very goal orientated and stubborn, so nothing would deter him now.

Plus, he really wanted to fuck her and he might actually like spending time with her. You know, for her personality. He had heard that some boys were into that and he would have to give it a go.

"Ignore them Jake," Bella said. "They are obviously insane."

Bella and Jacob continued to chat. Bella thought they were getting to know each other, Jake thought they were flirting.

It was then that Bella's attention was completely diverted to the band that was now gearing up to play on the stage. Or more accurately at one boy in particular.

The moment Jacob Black saw Edward Cullen there was immediate dislike. Without ever meeting him, Jake could tell that Edward was just the sort of dude that Jake couldn't stand.

He was cocky. He was good looking (maybe even more attractive then Jake though Jake wouldn't admit it) and he knew it. He was the tortured, artsy fartsy type that was probably far to busy with the self-loathing to even make his girlfriend come properly. He was used to getting his way and was probably a big fucking baby when he lost. He was super competitive, just like Jake The worst was that Edward Cullen obviously took himself far too seriously.

Jake glanced at Bella to see the love and devotion written all over her face.

He had never before felt jealously like that. Even from a distance he could tell that Edward Cullen was a self-serving prick that didn't deserve Bella.

Jake was going to win her over though, he was going to beat Edward Cullen at this love game. Because he wanted to fuck Bella and he wanted to win, he wanted nothing more then to be the one Bella looked at like that.

He was 16 and decided jealously, desire, and competition had to be love. As is the case for many people, Jake projected his own flaws onto Edward Cullen and vowed that he would be better for Isabella Swan.

If he was feeling this much, there was no possible way that she wasn't feeling something equally as compelling.

But weeks later, with the boyfriend out of the picture, Jacob Black was still making very little progress. They spent a lot of time together, either with the rest of her friends or in public settings. They were never completely alone and everything was kept casual.

He was thrilled that she agreed to teach him how to surf, but each time he pushed for a date, he was rebuffed.

He would have been incredibly sexually frustrated if it wasn't for Leah who he met the night at the club. She was the sister of someone in that pricks band and was excellent in the sack.

Jake was enjoying the best of both worlds. He could hang out with Bella all day, who was turning out to be a really cool chick, and not worry about her returning to her boyfriend at night. Her boyfriend was out of sight, out of mind. He could fuck Leah all night and none of his desires went untended.

Of course Edward the prick Cullen had to surprise them on the first day Jake was making any real headway with Bella.

They were finally completely alone, Bella had asked him over to her empty house and made him lunch after several grueling hours on the waves. She was a second away from agreeing to be swept into his arms.

Never before had Jacob wanted to punch someone so badly when Bella ran to _him_, jumped at _him, _kissed _him_.

Jacob knew exactly what they were up too when they kicked him out and he stewed about it for days. His desire to win, to get Bella, to own her, was renewed.

Yet, once the boyfriend left again, nothing changed.

Bella even went as far as to start calling him buddy.

But Jake was never one to give up. Plus, he really did like Bella. She was quirky, adventurous, and smart. She laughed a lot and danced a lot and blushed a lot and fell down a lot.

Jake found everything about her to be pretty great.

Jacob Black didn't recognize defeat until she told him about the baby. After a summer of hanging out with Bella on a regular basis, she completely disappeared from his life. This disappearance happened to coincide with the return of her prick boyfriend, and Jake wasn't stupid enough to think of this as coincidence. So one day, after several months of ignored phone calls and brushed off plans to hang out, Jacob stormed to Bella's house in a fit of rage, demanding to get some answers.

Jacob was convinced that Bella was letting her controlling boyfriend run her life. Part of him was a little smug, the perfect Edward Cullen was obviously feeling a wee bit threatened.

But Jake was wrong. Bella was avoiding him on her own, it had nothing to do with the demands of the prick.

Bella was having his baby. He had officially won. Game over.

So Jake backed off because he knew as well as anyone that a kid should have both its parents together. Plus he was nowhere near ready to take part in any child raising business.

Though both Jake and Bella would still consider the other a friend, they didn't see much of each other in the next few years. Bella had her baby, her new job, and her prick. Jacob had his shop and his various women.

Jacob Black was happy and so was Bella.

Until she wasn't.

At first Jacob wasn't too pleased to run into Rosalie Hale. She never warmed up to him and Jake was threatened by her mechanical prowess. But when two acquaintances are in line next to each other at a Subway, they cant exactly completely ignore each other.

"So…" Jake said once the typical awkward pleasantries had been exhausted. "How is Bella? I haven't heard from her in a while."

Rosalie snorted and rolled her eyes.

"She has been a little bit occupied. You know, working to support her child. Raising a kid, alone…" Rosalie said, lowering her voice conspiratorially as she dropped this particularly large bomb.

Jacob's eyebrows basically reached his hairline as they shot up with his shock.

"Alone?" he asked, needing to clarify, scared to even hope.

"Yup," replied Rosalie, popping the p.

"She broke up with that prick?" Jacob said, turning and focusing all his attention on the blonds answer.

"Yup," she said again. "About 6 months ago."

And thus Jacob Black once again gave into his love for Bella Swan. But he wasn't an idiot. He knew that Bella was probably a mess now and needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on. And he had some very nice, broad shoulders.

So he struck up their friendship. Something very difficult to do being as Bella was a wreck.

Jacob reentered Bella's life in a time Bella dubbed her wild phase. Though Bella wouldn't tell Jake why, she was suddenly into doing dangerous things that scared the shit out of her.

She said she was seeing things, things that made her feel better but she didn't give him details and he didn't ask. He wasn't sure he wanted to know and it probably had something to do with the prick that fucked her over.

That is how Jacob ended up rebuilding a pair of decrepit old motorcycles for the two of them to drive way to fast along the winding California coasts. Jacob was in heaven, but there was something about the look of determination on Bella's face that turned to elation when she got going really fast that worried him and turned him on.

The motorcycles were the best of it. Apparently before Jacob steamrolled back into her life, Bella had been spending her Friday nights dancing in sketchy bars, letting men grope her.

She said it made her feel alive but Jake put the kibosh on that real quick.

After several months hanging out and occasional motorcycle riding during which Bella actually seemed to become a human again, Jake was happy. He didn't even really mind hanging out with Bella's daughter, Nessie. She was a fun kid and Jake liked to play with her, even if she looked exactly like her father, sans the eyes. He had his best friend back and had all the time in the world to wait for her to be ready to acknowledge that there was something more then friendship between them.

Plus, he always had Leah Clearwater to scratch the itch.

Jacob was perfectly content to sit back and wait, especially now that she had stopped frequenting those trashy, dangerous venues on her own.

So when Jacob popped into the Swan household real quick one Saturday night to drop off Charlie's car that he had recently repaired, he was shocked to see Bella decked out in her standard bar hopping attire.

The black wife beater that she squeezed herself into was several sizes too small and did wonderful things to her chest while showing off a thing strip of her flat stomach. The black denim covering her endless legs appeared to be painted on. Dark make up surrounded her eyes and deep red stained her lips. She looked so fucking hot Jake had to really focus to contain his erection in his pants.

The only thing that kept it from being the sexiest thing he had ever seen was the knit beanie that concealed every last bit of her long locks. She didn't look like herself at all.

"What in the hell Bells?" he said, the awe apparent in his voice. "You are not going back to one of those bars are you? I swear, you are lucky nothing horrible happened. You are a mother for christs sa—"

"JAKE," she said, whacking his large bicep. "I am over that particular stage in my life thank you. Just be glad it only lasted 2 weeks. "

"Then where in the hell are you going, dressed like that?"

Bella blushed and looked down at her converse clad feet, the only thing that looked like herself.

"A concert," she mumbled under her breath.

"Really? Can I come?" Jake didn't have a lot of interest in music and it was a big point in contention between him and Bella. Apparently the girl was pretty passionate but had only started listening to music again recently.

Another side effect of the prick.

But as Bella started listening to music again, Jake discovered how much he loved watching her listen to music. It was just about as sexy as her all done up in all that black.

"Oh… well… I don't know. It is not really your scene—"

"Please Bella? I have nothing to do tonight, please?" Jake flashed her the puppy dog eyes and she just couldn't say no.

"Fine. But you have to promise not to judge me. And you are driving, even if it is sold out and we cant get you a ticket. And mostly you just have to promise to not be mad and not judge me."

They were on their way after this little speech and Jacob was even more intrigued.

Until he saw VAMPIRE SUNRISE illuminating the marquee.

"Bel-laaa," he groaned, smacking his head against the palm of his large hand. "This is the concert you want to go too?"

"Don't you look at me that way Jacob Black. I can't resist. You know that I have been obsessing over his music since their latest CD came out. I can't just not go!" she yelled, blushing furiously and stomping around like a child.

"That is exactly what you do. You don't go. Are you planning on seeing him? Talking to him? Holy shit Bella," Jake huffed as they continued to approach the theater.

"NO!" she yelled, seemingly horrified. "No, no, no of course not. I just.., I don't know. Maybe this will be really bad for me but all I know is that I cant not go. And don't you look at me like that, I am fine. Really."

She was doing her very best to convince the pair of them of this fact.

"All I know is that you are getting better. You have a little life back in your eyes. The prick is just going to set you back," Jacob pleaded with her as she dragged him to the ticket window.

"I said no judgment Jacob," she snapped glaring as she motioned for him to get in line. "I cant explain why I am here, I just know I have to see it. I have to see him. You can stay or you can go, but it isn't going to change what I do."

"Urgg," he growled in frustration. "Fine. I will stay with you. You are a fucking danger magnet and this is not going to go well, but I will do my best to make sure you come out of this alive."

They glared at each other for another moment before Bella nodded once and looked away. She knew that this was crazy, unhealthy, and just plan wrong. She should be at home with her daughter, trying to fill the roles of both mother and father.

Edward had tried on several occasions to see both Bella and Nessie after that faithful October day that she left for good. Twice he showed up drunk in the middle of the night screaming from the ground below her window, three times he had showed up drunk in the middle of the day.

Charlie made sure that didn't happen anymore.

Edward did send Nessie a present for her second birthday. A locket, with a picture of the three of them, mother, (absentee) father, and daughter. A jewelry box that played the lullaby he wrote for her.

Bella sobbed for two days straight after that.

Who knew what tonight would do to her.

"I know you don't understand Jacob," she whispered, looking at her feet. "But thank you, for being here with me. You are a very good friend."

Her last words caused his heart to sink, but he smiled through the pain and draped an arm around her shoulder, leading her inside after he purchased his ticket.

He really didn't like supporting that prick but he would do just about anything for Bella.

"So aren't all your friends here tonight? The scary Amazon and the pixie and the southern professor?" Jake asked as they settled themselves on a pair of bar stools to the side of the stage and behind the crowded floor. Though they had an excellent view of the stage, they would be in the shadows, where no one would recognize her.

"Under no circumstances can you tell them Jacob Black, I mean it. This is our little secret. Pinky swear," she said, looking very serious as she captured his pinky with hers and kissed her hand, motioning for him to do the same. "I am incognito tonight, thus the cat burglar attire."

Jake stared avidly but Bella didn't notice. She had stopped noticing the way boys appreciated her. She was incapable of experiencing any of those feelings herself and didn't remember what it was like, to lust after someone.

"Since we are here," Jacob said, wary. "I must ask. What exactly happened with you and Edward? I mean, last I heard, you were just ever so in love."

Bella paled and swayed slightly on her seat before she shook her head adamantly.

"So we are still not talking about it then?" he clarified. Jake didn't know what he was hoping to find out with this little inquisition. Perhaps part of him wanted to hear that she didn't love him anymore, but he saw the way she was for months. No longer in love people didn't turn into zombies post break up.

"Trust me when I say that I will never, ever talk about it," she assured him.

"Can you at least tell me why we are here? Something a little more concrete then because you have to please."

Bella was silent for a long time, just watching the mechanical movements of the roadies setting up for the headliners. Jake thought she was going to completely ignore him but at least she spoke.

"I gave up the love of my life for this," she explained, gesturing toward the stage. "They better be fucking brilliant or I am going to be pissed."

Jake nodded, having no idea how to take that and wishing he were anywhere but there. This shoulder to cry on, best friend business was real tricky.

The house lights dimmed and the stage lights went up and four shadowed figures slowly took their positions to the enthusiastic cheers of the crowd. Jake felt Bella tense beside him and he watched as her gaze fixed intently on the front man who stumbled toward the mic.

Jake held back the growl in his throat. Lord he hated that prick. That cocky shit. He hated the hold he seemed to have on Bella, even after he broke her heart. He hated that the prick was still able to put that look on her face. He hated that ultimately, the prick won. Bella was his, even if right now she wasn't.

Jake hated that Edward made him doubt his future with Bella.

On the plus side, the prick was a fall down drunk mess. So that was something at least.

Without further preamble, the band launched into one of their more upbeat numbers from their first album that had Bella smiling despite herself.

Jake repeatedly flexed his fists at lines that referred to a clumsy mermaid whose grace was only apparent in the sea. A sun soaked she devil. Sex on wheels.

Bella blushed and her eyes retained that gazed look that Jake noticed at that club the first time such a long time ago.

The show progressed and Bella went from weepy, to smiley, to blushy, to concerned and back again, all in the course of one song.

Jake's remained stoic and the frown never left his face.

The concern at least he could semi understand, Edward Cullen looked like shit. His odd jumble of cloths hung on a skeletal frame, bloodshot eyes surrounded by dark circles. His hands twitched, his whole body shook.

And Bella's eyes never left him. Edward kept staring in their direction and Jake wondered if maybe the skinny prick could actually see them. But they were too far away and too hidden by the shadows provided from the balcony overhead.

"Up next we have a special treat for you folks," Edward slurred into the mic. "A cover, which normally I am fucking against. But no one can sum it up quite like Connor Oberst and Bright Eyes."

He gave an evil little smile and Bella thought he looked a bit like a crazed Tim Burton character.

_Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset_

_Swiftly go the days_

_Sunrise, sunset, you wake up then you undress_

_It always is the same_

_The sunrise and a sun sets_

_You are lying while you confess_

_Keep trying to explain_

_The sunrise and the sun sets_

_You realize and then you forget_

_What you have been trying to retain_

_But everybody knows it's all about the things_

_That get stuck inside of your head_

_Like the songs your roommate sings_

_Or a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed_

_She raises her hands in the air_

_Asks you "When was the last time you looked in the mirror?_

_Cause you've changed, yeah, you've changed_

_The sunrise, the sunset, you're hopeful and then you regret_

_The circle never breaks_

_With a sunrise and sunset, there's a change of heart or address_

_Is there nothing that remains?_

_For a sunrise or a sunset, you're manic or you__'__re depressed_

_Will you ever feel ok?_

_For a sunrise or a sunset, your lover is an actress_

_Did you really think she'd stay?_

_For a sunrise or a sunset, you're either coming or you just left_

_But you're always on the way_

_Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet_

_They are really just the same_

_To the sunrise or the sunset, the master and his servant_

_Have exactly the same fate_

_It__'__s a sunrise and a sunset, from a cradle to a casket_

_There is no way to escape_

_The sunrise or the sunset, hold your sadness like a puppet_

_Keep putting on the play_

_But everything you do is leading to the point_

_Where you just won__'__t know what to do_

_And the moment that you're laughing_

_There is someone there who will be laughing louder than you_

_So it__'__s true, the trick is complete_

_You've become everything you said you never would be_

_You__'__re a fool, you're a fool_

_Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset_

_The sunrise and the sun sets_

Bella was openly weeping now as she silently sang along and Jake wanted to get her out of there, but she brushed him off, not even looking away from the tortured soul, sacrificing himself on stage.

Jake glanced between the two and briefly wondered who had hurt who more.

The fact that Bella cared that much even after all these months really pissed him off. Why was she so hung up on such an asshole? Jake saw exactly what her was doing to her yet she still so obviously loved him.

Why couldn't she love Jacob like that?

But he reminded himself that he was willing to wait, that he would be her friend first if that was what she needed.

Finally the concert was over and Bella let Jacob drag her back to the car. They rode home in silence for a considerable amount of time, but Jacob was still mad and hurt by the whole evening and needed some answers.

"You still love him, don't you?" he asked quietly.

"Yes," she whispered back.

"Do you see yourself ever getting back together with him?" Jake asked anxiously. This would put a serious damper on the theory that he had all the time in the world to woo Bella.

Bella stared intently out the windshield and thought really hard. Her love for him obviously wasn't enough and they both had made so many mistakes. Edward was obviously a mess and she finally gave up on trying to save him. How could she fix him when he didn't want it? Edward Cullen was a train wreck and as much as she missed him, loved him, she couldn't encourage him to come back into her life. She had Nessie to think about.

Edward was going to kill himself if this kept up. He would either die or realize that something needed to change. As much as it hurt her, there was nothing she could do personally.

She made a mental note to dispatch Alice, even if it meant admitting the whole night to her sister.

She slowly turned to Jake and answered truthfully.

"No Jacob. Edward and I are never going to be together again," she replied. He was never going to change and she couldn't be with that version of Edward. "Someday I will get better and be ok without him. But for now I am just going to continued to ignore his existence while obsessing over his music."

This brought Jake hope and he went back to being the best friend possible.

Unfortunately, the next time Vampire Sunrise was touring in the area, Bella insisted on going. And dutifully, Jake went with her as much as he hated it.

After several years of this Bella saw how much it hurt him and stopped telling him she was going at all. It became her little secret. And as messed up and maybe even stupid as it was, she attended every show, blending into the faceless crowd instead of joining her friends and family back stage.

And Jake kept waiting. Though he dated casually and still saw plenty of Leah, his heart remained with Bella and she knew it.

He stuck with her through all of it.

He was there the first day that a clean and sober Edward saw his daughter and Bella for the first time in a year in a half. He went with her the first time Bella dropped Nessie off at his house for an unsupervised visit. He got her though her fears while making it perfectly clear to Edward that she didn't belong to Edward anymore.

She belonged to Jacob, even if she didn't know it yet.

He was there when she first started to date again, glaring at the slick James who picked her up and took her out to dinner. He was glad it didn't last very long because he was almost forced to do something drastic.

He was there every time Vampire Sunrise would release an album and Bella would close her self off from the rest of the world, choosing to deal with the pain in various unhealthy was that ranged from weeks in Mexico to drastic haircuts.

He was there when she worked her way to partner and bought her very own first house.

He was there when her sister got married.

Bella asked Jake to be her date to Alice and Jasper's wedding because she needed the moral support. It would be the first social setting that she would see sober Edward in and she was nervous.

Even after all her attempts to feel otherwise, she still loved him, she still fostered some hope that they would find their way back to each other when they were ready. Maybe the wedding would be it for them.

It wasn't like she didn't see Edward on a fairly regular basis. He had Nessie every weekend so Bella did get glimpses of him when they would have to exchange their daughter. They made tense small talk and Bella made sure she was never alone with him.

He looked so much better now and she was so thankful that he had gotten his life together.

So she was nervous, but excited, to see him in a different setting.

Jacob was thrilled to be Bella's date. She was the maid of honor and he enjoyed watching her walk down the aisle. She was so fucking hot and he liked the way the shinny black fabric moved around her hips.

It was then that he noticed Edward Cullen, that prick, staring at her the same way Jake had seen her stare at him from several pews over. Edward Cullen had no right to look at her like that. He had destroyed her, leaving Jake to glue humpty-Bella back together again.

Jacob wanted to punch that look right off his face but Alice would probably kill him for ruining her wedding so he resolved to take care of it later.

Later came in the form of a chance bathroom meeting. Jacob was entering just as Edward was washing his hands.

The two men openly glared at each other for a moment before Edward looked away, grabbing a paper towel and turning his back on Jacob.

"Don't you turn away from me you motherfucker," snarled Jake.

Slowly Edward turned back around, remaining silent and raising an eyebrow at the outburst.

"I have seen you staring at her all goddamn night and I don't like the look in your eye," Jacob continued, jabbing a finger into Edward's shoulder and fully anticipating fisticuffs.

But Edward surprised him, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes for a moment before responding.

"I am not doing anything wrong Jacob," he said quietly, attempting to keep his face blank.

"Just leave her the fuck alone asshole!" Jacob yelled. As Edward got calmer Jacob got more agitated.

"She is the mother of my child, who are you to tell me to leave her alone?" Edward asked with an eye roll, tired of Jake's dramatics and just wanting to get back outside where he could continue to ignore his date and day dream that it was his wedding to Bella. "It is none of your business."

Jake huffed in indignation.

"We are together now, that makes it my business," Jake lied easily in an attempt to get under Edward's skin.

It work and Edward paled.

"Together?" he asked, his voice breaking.

"Yup, so just back the hell off," Jacob said, grinning in triumph. But victory alone wasn't quite sweet enough. He wanted to bury Edward Cullen. "She is finally happy ok? So don't you fucking ruin it. You should have seen her after the break up and I don't know what happened but it shattered her. So just leave her alone and let her be happy."

With that Jacob strode out of the bathroom without even going.

Jacob spent the rest of the night dancing with Bella, making her laugh, and ignoring the looks of longing she sent toward Edward. Edward spent the rest of the night looking like a ghost, years of guilt accumulating in a vow to leave Bella alone the best he could.

It took Jacob another 4 years to finally convince Bella to date him.

"It wouldn't be fair to you Jake," she said after their first real date to a fancy downtown restaurant. Bella didn't even know his intent at first, though she did find the formal attire and forced manners to be a bit odd. It took him announcing in frustration that they were on a real date for her to get it. "I am broken. I am never going to be able to give you what you want."

"And how do you even know what I want?" he snapped.

"You want it all Jake and you know it," she said, smiling. "And I can't give you that. You deserve to be with someone capable of that."

"Don't you love me Bella?" he asked, brow furrowed.

"Of course I do," she said, taking his hand and smiling. "You are my Jake! But I have so much baggage, I can't love like I used too. I can't give you everything like I once could."

"I don't care Bella," he said, kissing both her palms and making her smile. "I just want you. Whatever you can give me."

She was still unsure so he kissed the doubt right out of her.

The first time they fucked, he marveled in the sweet taste of victory. Finally she was his. Finally he won.

Little did he know she spend 20 minutes in the bathroom after, crying her eyes out just like she did every time she was with another man because he wasn't Edward Cullen.

For the most part they were happy.

Not much had changed. They did the same things they always did, ate at the same places, attended the same functions. The biggest differences for Bella were purely physical. They had sex now and though it was pleasant for Bella, the best part was how happy it made Jake. She owed him so much for years of friendship.

Eventually though, Jake realized that some things should change. He wanted to live with her, for him to be her number one priority, and for her to mean it when she said she didn't even think about her ex anymore.

They were fighting more and more.

To relieve a little of the tension with his relationship, Jake continued to fall into Leah Clearwater's bed after every spat. Part of him felt guilty, but he told himself that it was just sex, that it didn't matter.

He wasn't even sure if he even liked Leah as a person. She was a royal pain in the ass, demanding, challenging, and she didn't let him get away with anything. But they had been sleeping together off and on for the last decade or so. He definitely enjoyed her company.

It was about 2 months before his trip to Forks that things picked up with Leah again.

Bella and Jake had yet another fight about the progress of their relationship and he was steamed. Trying to cool off, Jake somehow found himself nursing a beer at a near by bar with his friend Jared.

"Damn, look at that fine piece of ass. I will totally be tapping that by the end of the night," said Jared, looking over Jake's shoulder at someone who had just entered.

Jake turned to get a look and was shocked to make eye contact across the room with Leah Clearwater. He hadn't seen her in at least 6 months and fuck if she didn't look good. Too good, obviously if Jared's reaction was any indication.

The thought of any mans hands on her made him want to go nuclear.

Thankfully she smiled when she saw him and began picking her way through the crowded bar towards him. She missed her Jacob in more ways then one, but truly wished him happiness with the women he had been pinning after for so long.

"Jacob Black," she said, grabbing his face between both her hands and planting a smacking kiss right on his lips.

After several rounds of drinks, and several laughable pick up attempts on Jared's part later, Jacob found himself in Leah's familiar apartment confessing all his Bella woes. Leah knew just how to comfort him and the ended up naked in her bed.

He told himself it was a one-time thing, but he kept going back.

So when everything changed and Bella announced that she had fucked her ex while he was away on the vacation she should have been attending too, he sought solitude in Leah's dark, athletic body.

The frustration, jealousy, anger, and loss coursed through him, driving him through Leah's apartment door without the customary knock. He was greeted with driving rock music, indicating that Leah was busy at work.

She was a starving artist, selling her paintings when she could and bartending to keep a shity roof over her head. Her apartment was a testament to her work and Jake liked it, he liked looking at all the riots of color, the sharp contrasts juxtaposed with soft lines.

It remained him of Leah herself.

At the sound of the door slamming, Leah stuck her head out of the makeshift studio that doubled as a kitchen. He took in her sharp cheekbones that were smeared with chartreuse and the hoop that stuck out of the side of her nose. Her hair was pulled back and she had feathered earrings in her ears.

"Hey there stud, what has your buns baked?" she asked as rose, stretching her arms over her head and cracking her neck. She had been at it for hours and the sexual tension rolling off of Jacob was just what she needed.

She had loved him from afar for years but was not willing to put her battered heart on the line for the second time in her life. She already lost Sam to her cousin so she didn't even try with Jake, knowing that she would inevitably lose him to that bitch Bella.

Jacob just growled in response, appreciating the hard muscles of Leah's stomach that flexed as she moved. Leah, the ever-eclectic dresser, was wearing a frilly pink bra and baggy grey sweats. It was the most feminine thing he had ever seen her in and it made him smile despite his feral mood.

"Ah, that," she said, glancing down at her attire as she walked towards him. "I spilled an entire bucket of turpentine on my favorite t-shirt. You know, the one with all the skulls? And that shit is not cheap, let me tell you. Jacob, are you aware that you haven't said anything yet nor did you knock?"

She got as close as she possibly could without touch him and smirked up at him.

"So are you going to just stand there like a moron or are you going to fuck me proper?"

He growled again and pushed her up against the wall, doing what she said in a rough manner. The collapsed together when they were both satisfied in a tangle of limbs. Leah liked the way Jake held her close and she absently played with his hair. She studied the way their skin tones almost matched, like they were one person.

"Wow, I mean, mother fuck me that was excellent," Leah sighed happily, glad for the amazing sex despite the fact that she knew Jake was about to unload all his relationship problems on her.

"You weren't bad yourself," he replied.

Fucking did the spirit good and most of the bubbling emotions he felt earlier were gone. He was sated, sad, confused, and betrayed.

"So what had you so furious baby? I never seen you like that before," Leah asked, kissing his temple and each of his eyelids.

"Bella fucked Edward," Jake said bluntly. "While I was in La Push, visiting my dad. They fucked."

Leah bolted upright, sitting on the floor next to Jake's massive form with her mouth hanging open. It was a moment she knew would always happen. The one she would use to come clean and tell him how she felt.

But she really didn't want to tell Jake what was what. She didn't think she could take anymore rejection.

"Shit," she said, touching his arm. Jake hadn't moved or opened his eyes and if asked she would have described the look on his face as serene.

Why couldn't he see how happy she made him?

"I know. I mean what the fuck? I really hate that prick and she fucked him, even after everything he did to her, after everything we have together," he said, his brow furrowing slightly. She whipped away the wrinkles with her thumb, wishing that taking care of his pain would be as easy.

"So what happened? Did you break up?" Leah tried real hard to sound disinterested but really she just sounded hopeful.

"Yeah, I guess. Sort off. I mean, I just didn't know what else to do," he said, keeping is eyes closed as he wrapped an arm around her waist and cradling her hip. "I was just at the end of my rope. I am hoping she will come to her fucking senses and want to get back together though."

"So what exactly are you feeling then?" she asked, frowning down at him. If he was pissed about the infidelity then he was the epitome of hypocrisy. Leah was pretty sure that Bella didn't even know that they were acquainted.

"Pissed, sad, betrayed," he listed. "And I know I could get over it if it was anyone else. But him? I just really hate that douche."

She was silent for a moment, processing everything he said.

"Jacob, why do you come here, to me like this?"

He opened he eyes and sat up, turning to face her, looking puzzled.

"What did you mean? The sex is great! You can't fake that shit," he said, grinning again even if his eyes still looked slightly bemused.

"But shouldn't you be getting all the great sex you could ever possibly want with Bella? Someone you claim to love oh so much?" She put her hands under her chin and batted her long eyelashes, using a cheerleader voice. He wasn't getting what she was saying and it was making her snotty.

"Well… yeah… I guess, but—"

"And," she said, going on like he hadn't spoken. "Even if you aren't getting enough what with her ridiculous ban on weekday sleepovers, you are cheating on her. On a regular basis these days. If you loved her as much as you say you do then you wouldn't do that to her. How do you think Bella would feel if she found out about us? Probably worse then you feel right now. Why would you repetitively do that to some one who is your soul mate?"

Jake gaped at her like a drowning guppy. Sure, he had his moments of guilt, but mostly he didn't even think about it. Going to Leah was natural, it was something he had been doing for a significant chunk of his life. He didn't think about how it would effect Bella, he just did without really considering the consequences.

And then he felt like he had been punched in the gut. What if she ended it? What if Leah told him not to come back? Could he really handle losing Leah? And why did the prospect seem so much worse then Bella fucking someone else?

But he had loved Bella forever. Hadn't he?

"You are right Leah," he said quietly. "I never really thought about it."

"Jacob," she said, sighing heavily. "I am about to drop some cold hard facts on your ass so prepare yourself."

He nodded and took a deep steadying breath.

"You are not Bella Swan's soul mate. Oh she has one, believe me. But it isn't you." Leah winced as Jake paled but she kept going. "I have a little experience in the soul mate department so I know them when I see them. Sam? The guy I spend most of my youth in love with? I thought he was my soul mate too. But really we were just best friends who enjoyed each other physically from time to time. And he may have really loved me, but when he met his Emily well that was it. Their love was on a whole different level then our love. He found his soul mate and it wasn't me and that fucking sucked but them's the breaks.

"Edward Cullen and Bella Swan? They are the same way. And I don't know what the fuck happened with them but I can guarantee that it didn't change the soul mate part. In the end, that is it for them. Just like Sam and my fucking cousin. It took me a long time to acknowledge that. Trying to get in between a bond like is completely pointless. It isn't worth the time or effort and you wont win, trust me."

She chanced a look at Jacob to see how he tirade would be received and was disappointed to see the anger there.

"You don't fucking know that Leah. You don't know Bella and you don't know what we are like as a couple. How can you even compare us to you and Sam, that is such bullshit," he snapped, continuing to glare at her.

"All I know is what you tell me Jacob," she pointed out.

They glared at each other in an angry silence before she spoke again.

"But you don't want to go with the soul mate theory? Fine. Let's talk about you and me."

"You and me?" he clarified, looking confused and slightly repulsed.

"I think you love me," she said with a trumped up confidence she didn't feel.

"Love? You?" he sputtered, turning a bit purple.

It was impossible. He would know if he loved Leah after all these year, right?

"Or at least that you could love me, just like I could love you. If we tried anyway. The potential is there you know."

"What?" he said, laughing nervously. "Leah, our entire relationship is purely based on fucking. That is it. That is how it has always been." And if that was true why did he feel so warm inside when she mentioned love.

"Well isn't that just a steaming crock pot of horse shit," she said, crossing her arms over her still naked chest and rolling her eyes. "I know everything about you, the good, the bad, the ugly. And vise versa. Tell me Jacob Black, who did you call more while you were in Washington, huh? Me or your girlfriend?"

"That doesn't mean— Things just reminded me of you— Bella and I were kinda in a fight…" he defended somewhat lamely.

"Whatever," she said, fed up. She couldn't fight anymore when it was so apparent that she would lose. Leah plucked the bra off the top of her bookcase and efficiently put it on, stepping into her huge pants in the next moment while Jake pouted.

They always went multiple rounds when he came over.

Which, now that he was thinking about, was every night he didn't see Bella. Even some nights he did. He didn't plan on continuing to fuck Leah when he first started dating Bella. Right after their first date he told Leah that they were done. It was a conversation they had had many times before, whenever one of them was dating someone new. But they always ended up back together somehow.

"I love Bella," he mumbled, still looking up at Leah in a state of information overload.

"Alrighty then," she said, offering him a hand up, pleased that she could act so casual. "Well believe me when I say that I would love to do that again, but I have a date."

"A date?" he yelled, angry all over again he leapt to his feet and faced her with his fists clenched.

"Yes Jacob. A date. With a man, a nice single man. And it is a first date so I need at couple hours to maintain the perfect balance of sluty and wholesome. You love someone else, remember? This shouldn't be a big deal."

At least she managed to coax a little emotion out of him. That was something.

"Right, yeah. Well, um… have fun? I guess," he said as he awkwardly dressed. His head was reeling with a multitude of revelations.

Both the women in his life had given him so much to think about and he was exhausted.

Leah walked Jacob to the front door where she gave him a chaste kiss on the lips and tweaked his nose.

"Hold in there Jakey," she said. "Everything will be alright."

He nodded and turned to leave, facing her again only when he got to the end of the hall.

"Please Leah, just don't fuck the guy on the first date," he pleaded, all traces of anger gone now. "I don't know why, but I really can't handle that."

She looked taken aback, but then smiled slightly.

"Ok Jake, no fucking on the first date. I promise."

Somewhat satisfied, he nodded again and left, for real this time. He had nothing else to say.

Jake spent the rest of the week totally focused on work, ignoring all other problems and people in his life. He was the GM now and was therefore responsible for woeing big wig clients with dinners and booze, parties and performances.

He usually like this part of the job, the buddy buddy, make nice stage.

Until one of his biggest clients wanted to go to the Vampire Sunrise show that weekend.

He couldn't think of anything worse then witnessing the success of that prick and hearing the songs inspired by his cheating girlfriend. He seriously considered pawing it off on one the underlings, but he was the boss. It was his job to schmooze and he couldn't make the client feel unimportant.

He still hadn't talked to Bella and this whole evening seemed so bizarre somehow. Yet while he dinned with his two music loving clients before Edward Cullen's concert, the only person he could really think about was Leah.

He missed her in a way he didn't miss Bella, but he was too drained to really think about any of that. He had to be strong for the coming hours of torture.

They arrived at the venue and found a spot on a rail above the floor where hundreds of people were packed together and Jake had a flashback to the shows he attended with Bella before she finally gave up that odd practice.

So when he saw the slight brunette dressed in all black, he thought he was making shit up.

She turned and seemed to look right at him for a moment, and it was most definitely her. His Bella. He should have known that she was still doing this shit. He gave her a pointed look but she didn't acknowledge it. Apparently, she wasn't seeing him at all.

Of course she wasn't, she never saw him when Edward Cullen was in the area.

Though Jake was disappointed and angry, he wasn't as hurt as he assumed he would be. When he broke up with her, it was mainly a ploy to get her to fight for him, to prove that she needed him. When she didn't deny anything he accused her of, he knew it was over.

Maybe it was even over before the Edward Cullen debacle.

Seeing Bella in this familiar setting didn't bring about the feelings of pain and rage it once did. Instead, it provided Jake with the most thorough form of closure. Bella and Jake were not meant to be together. They were best friends, but really knowing more. He had just been confused about that detail pretty much sense they moment they met.

Jake really did that one day in the distant future they could be friends again, even though he was realistic enough to know that with Edward Cullen around that probably not happen. Jake couldn't really stomach being in the same vicinity as that prick anyway, even with the revelation that he didn't really love Bella.

He smiled to himself and ignored the building music. He would go to Leah's after the show and offer to take her on their first ever real date.


	20. Chapter 20

My revelation of sorts was a direct result of how much I was growing to hate my job.

Over the next few days, I spend the majority of my time at the office. I threw myself back into my job in an attempt to find a little peace. The theory was that if I exhausted myself during the day, I would be asleep by time my head hit the pillow so there would be no opportunity to think.

But it was futile. All I could do was think. About hurting Jake, about missing Edward, about how much I had fucked up over and over again. About how I lacked a plan to make it better somehow.

I felt like shit, for a multitude of reasons. My job was wearing me out, I hadn't seen my daughter in far too long because of it, Jacob hated me.

And the only thing that could possible make me feel better was Edward. I wanted to sit next to him on a couch and rest my head against his shoulder. I wanted to close my eyes and feel his arms around me. I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be ok. I wanted to just be with him.

And that was the revelation.

Though I had loved him for as long as I could remember, I didn't know if fighting for us was worth it. I was so scared that we would fail and that I would be hallow again, with no chance of ever being filled back up.

But it was totally and most definitely worth it. I needed him and wanted him and had to tell him. I had to start the lengthy process of hashing out all our issues.

Part of me wanted to go straight into Edwards arms, to ask him if he was serious about loving me and wanting me, and then jump him on the spot. Ignoring the past would be so much easier.

But that would just be further setting us up to fail. That would be perpetuating my lies.

And not only that, I needed to work on forgiving him too. For the last year we were together, he hurt me every time he picked up the bottle. Sleeping with whatshername mere seconds after we 'broke up' did me in. I was too weak to fight for him. It killed me that my love couldn't fix him. And logically I knew that he had a disease, but part of me still blamed him. Part of me felt like that if he loved me like I loved him he could have stopped. Logically I knew that this wasn't the way addiction worked, but when had I ever been even remotely rational when it came to him?

Edward was leaving at the end of the week. There wasn't time to fix us. I was so worried that I would tell him my lie and then he would just disappear, going back to his life on the road and forcing me to go back to my mostly empty one from before. How could we deal and move on if he was gone?

I had no idea what to do. So I worked and moped.

Except Rosalie was having none of that.

I got home just after midnight on the Tuesday after I broke up with Jake. I was exhausted, but knew that sleep was a long way off. It was getting harder and harder to resist the urge to call Edward, to text him, to go over to his house and just cuddle up to him.

Or to fuck him. I really wanted to fuck him. It was an excellent stress reliever.

I closed the garage door behind me and paused as I heard quiet sobs emanating from the house. I illuminated the dark house with a flick of a switch, my heart tight in my chest. My first thought was that my daughter was here somewhere and I was a failure of a mother for letting whatever happened that made he sound like that. She was supposed to still be at Edward's, how the fuck had he let this happen?

But then I rounded the corner in time to see a haggard looking Rosalie sit up on my living room couch.

"Holy fuck," I said before I could stop myself. "What the hell happened to you?"

That just brought on another round of hysterics and I rushed to my friends side, gathering her lean frame in my arms.

Rose was really freaking me out. The only times I could remember her crying were when she told the heartbreaking story of her past and the first time I placed my newborn daughter in her arms.

Rose didn't cry. Not at sad movies. Not when she fought with Emmett. Not when millions of people died in various natural disasters. Never.

She sure as hell was making up for in now. 29 years of repressed emotion was flowing out of Rose and I was along for the ride, helpless to do anything but wait it out.

After what seemed like hours, her breathing settled and her shoulders relaxed. Her head was on my now tear soaked shoulder and I stroked her hair.

"Are you ok?" I asked finally.

That had Rose pulling away and snorting as she whipped her cheeks.

"Why yes Bella," she said sardonically. "I am obviously fucking fine."

"Alright, that was a stupid question. I will admit. So what happened? Also how the hell did you get in here?"

"Jasper gave me the code to your garage. I am going to need a key," she said, rising and pacing in front of me.

"Why in the world would I give you a key? Remember that time you and Alice stole every pair of my underwear, forcing me to go with my stupid granny panties usually reserved for that time of the month? I forgot all about them until I attempted a strip dance for Edward. It took 20 minutes for him to finally stop laughing! I learned real quick to never leave either of you alone with my stuff."

My rant had its desired effect and Rose threw her head back, laughing as she continued to pace around my living room.

"I forgot about that. But even so, if I am going to live here, I am going to need a key." She sat down next to me, grabbing my face in between her manicured talons and silently pleading with me. "What do you say Bella? Roomies?"

What. The. Fuck.

"What. The. Fuck."

"Bella, I will be the best roommate ever. I cant really cook but I can clean. I will be like a live in babysitter for Nessie. I will be here everyday by the time she gets home from school. I will pay you, you know, what ever standard rent is these days."

Now it was my turn to stand and pace.

"Ness goes home with Colin after school Rose, you know that," I said dismissively, rubbing my temples and closing my eyes.

I couldn't really handle any more upheaval. Rose was leaving Emmett? Is that what was happening right now? How could that possibly be? Rose and Emmett were made for each other. They were rock steady, despite their weird love of arguing. They were a foundation. How the fuck could this be happening?

If Rose and Em were through, then what chance did Edward and I have?

"What happened Rosalie? Are you leaving Emmett? Why do you want to move in here? He is leaving on tour in 5 days! What the fuck is going on?" I demanded, stopping in front of her and placing my hands on my hips as I glared down at her.

She just sighed heavily, apparently she was done being a blubbering mess. For now.

"Yes, Emmett and I are done," she whispered finally.

My chest caved in a little, hearing her say it.

"Why?"

"It is complicated Isabella!" she screamed, leaping to her feat and getting in my face. "And frankly non of you fucking business. I don't want to talk about it."

"Well then you just get the fuck out of my house! You want to live here, I deserve some answers!"

"Fine, I will tell you all the dirty little details," she said, bending down to retrieve a big duffle I had failed to notice. "As soon as you share some shit. You filthy hypocrite. You fuck Edward, you break up with that mutt, and you aren't saying shit. I had to find out from Alice! So what are you going to do now Bella? Take that cheating bastard back? Do you want to talk about that?"

My face paled and my mouth snapped shut. But still part of me felt the need to defend Edward. Technically he didn't cheat, even if it felt like he did.

But Rose cut me off again, smirking as she departed.

"That is what I fucking thought. I am going to bed. See you in the morning, roomie."

So after a year of resisting anyone moving in with my daughter and I, I found myself with a fucking bitchy squatter.

Emmett was going to kill me when he found out. Because I knew that man and there was no way he was going to let this happen. He would fight for his relationship, something it was high time I started doing.

I was having a terrible, no good, extremely bad day.

Make that week.

Worst week ever.

Rosalie and I were barely speaking. Everything that could possibly go wrong at work did. I hadn't seen Nessie in days. Jake hated me. And I had no idea what to do about Edward.

I was stressed beyond belief and frazzled and fucking pissed the fuck off.

All I wanted to do was fold myself into Edward's body. I wished we could just be us again, but there was so much preventing us from getting there.

So when I finally tore myself away from work on Wednesday just after eleven, I whimpered in relief when I saw Edward's shinny Volvo parked on the street by my house.

Nessie wasn't supposed to come home until tomorrow. I guess there was a change of plans.

Thank you baby Jesus.

I stormed through the garage door and made a beeline for the living room. I tossed my keys, dropped my brief case, and kicked off my shoes without slowing my forward motion. Edward rose when he heard my first shoe hit the wood floor with a thunk and still I didn't pause.

"Hey, Nessie is asleep upstairs and why the fuck is Rose here? I have a meeting—" Drawn to him like a magnet, I barely registered that words where coming out of his mouth. Instead I just threw my arms around his waist and buried his face in my chest.

"Uhhh… hello sunshine," he stuttered.

I just sighed contently, feeling ok for the first time in weeks. At them same time I struggled not to cry.

God I was a mess.

Edward arms came around my shoulders, fingers tangling in my hair as one palm cradled my head.

"Hi," I managed to squeak out, pulling him tighter to my body.

"Rough day?" he in a gravely voice.

"Rough week," I replied, closing my eyes and pretending that it was just me and him.

Rough eight years was more like it.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" he asked with his lips against my temple.

I shook my head vehemently.

"Can you just sit with me for a minute?" I asked as I backed us to the couch. Edward's calves hit the front and we fell together causing me to end up in his lap. I pressed my nose into his neck and inhaled, sighing again in contentment.

And together we sat, innocently touching, for an insurmountable amount of time. Occasionally I would feel Edward lips on my forehead or in my hair. I would feel him sigh when my own lips would graze his neck.

"Why is Rose here?" Edward asked, continuing to run his fingers through my hair.

I grabbed his free hand and stared up at him with a sense of awe that he was really sitting in my living room. With me.

"Fuck if I know," I murmured, causing him to chuckle. I didn't want to think about her problems with Emmett. I was surprised that Edward was surprised to see her. I thought his brother would have filled him in. "You know Emmett and Rosalie," I dismissed. "Why are you here?"

"Some photo shoot thing got rescheduled for early tomorrow morning. I can't get Nessie to school, I hope that is ok?" he asked as he glanced down at me.

I just nodded and closed my eyes and went back to inhaling the Edward-y musk emanating from his neck.

"I am so glad you are here. Work sucks. Rosalie sucks. I missed you and Nessie," I confessed without looking at him. I had spent so many years pretending that I was over him, it was hard to even admit that I missed him.

"Well I am glad to make you feel better, but Bella," he said, tensing beneath me. "I must know. Did you talk to Jacob?"

"Yes," I nodded into his neck, forgetting that the break up wasn't exactly common knowledge. I had told my sister and Charlie, knowing that the Black family would beat me to it if I hesitated.

"So?" he said with all the impatience of a wee child. "Are you single?"

I giggled into his chest before I sat up and looked him straight in the eye.

"Bellllaaaa," he moaned, running his hand thru his untidy locks. "Are you trying to torture me here?"

"I need you to tell me something before I answer that question." He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me but motioned for me to ask away. "What exactly do you want from me?"

He let out an exasperated sigh and his head fell to the back of the couch.

"Goddamn she-devil," he muttered.

"Please Edward," I said as I placed a hand on his chest. "I just need to hear what you want. It is important. Communicate with me here buddy."

"Communicate!" he yelled as his head snapped up so he could scowl at me properly. "You are the one that wont fucking talk to me!"

I rolled my eyes.

"We are talking now." I took his face in my hands, stroking his jaw tenderly. "Please Edward, just answer the question."

He sighed and his face softened as he took both my hands in his.

"Isabella. Listen carefully not because I am getting really fucking tired of trying to get this through that thick skull of yours." It was my turn to glare now. "I love you." He kissed my cheek. "I want to be with you." He kissed my other cheek. "I want everything." He kissed my lips and my breathing hitched. "To be perfectly honest, eventually I want to live with you and marry you and have lots more babies with you." My eyes widened and I got a bit panicky. "But for now, I would settle for just dating you again."

I smiled at him then, satisfied when he grinned that crooked grin back at me.

"Then no.

"No what?" he asked, looking puzzled and cocking his head to the left.

"No, I don't want to consider myself single."

"Bella…" he said, a hint of warning in his voice.

"Jake and I broke up. Well I guess technically he broke up with me but only because he beat me to it. I am incapable of loving Jake the way he wanted to be loved. I have only felt that for one person ever Edward."

"Me?" he asked, smiling shyly.

"Of course you silly."

He crushed me to this chest before I had a chance to continue. I giggled at his enthusiasm.

"You have no idea how good it is to hear you say that," he said, voice thick with emotion. "How long I have waited for you to say that."

Though I smiled momentarily, his words only served to remind me of all that was still unsaid. He reminded me of my lie. I had to tell him. If we had any chance of making it this time, he had to know.

I had to know.

We both had to know everything.

"But," I said, after quickly kissing his forehead and pulling back again.

"Aw fuck. I should have fucking known there was a but," he grumbled, looking nervous.

"I don't know how to be with you again. We have so much to talk about. 10 years of lost time to make up for. There are things I have to tell you, from the break up. Things that we have to talk about that you really aren't going to like. I don't know how to do all of this in 2 days. You are leaving—"

"Will you wait for me?" he asked suddenly, hands tightening on my hips.

"Yes, of course. That is not what I meant exactly. I don't want anyone else. I am never going to want anyone but you." I let my fingers trail over his sculpted cheeks. I was so amazed that he was there at all. "Edward, I am so scared that we cant do it. What if we cant overcome everything. I hurt you, you hurt me.."

He studied me in a way that used to make me uncomfortable. He always saw too much. He knew me too well. I just hoped that was still the case when he knew everything I had done.

"Will you go out with me?"

"What?" I asked, thrown off by his outburst.

"On a date. Tomorrow night. Will you go out with me?"

"Umm… well yeah. I guess. But why—"

"Bella, lets just take things slow? Ok? Get to know each other again. I know it is fucking shit timing, but will you please go out with me tomorrow night?"

"Ok," I said, a bit bemused.

"Ok."

He left after that, giving me a few heated kisses and whispering that he would see me tomorrow. I wanted him to stay so badly but I knew sex was not the answer. I was thrilled, though still confused. Edward and I were headed in the right direction, but I knew that the longer I waited to tell the fucking truth, the worse it would be.

I resolved to tell him tomorrow. What a great fucking way to end a date.

What in the fuck was I going to wear?

I was watching Nessie eat with a single minded concentration that was supposed to keep my brain away from my date with Edward.

It was funny, we didn't do a lot of dating when we were together. I mean sure, we went out. But he had never before asked me out like that. Dates just sort of happened.

I couldn't recall ever being this nervous.

"Mom? Why are you looking at me? It is creeping me out," Nessie said between cereal bites.

"Sorry darling. I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"I need to talk to you about something." I sat across from her and cradled my pepper minty tea in my hands.

"Ok…" she said, finally looking at me apprehensively.

"I am not sure if you noticed, but Jake hasn't been around a lot lately," I started somewhat awkwardly. For whatever reason, I really dreaded sharing this with Nessie. I knew she liked Jake, they were friends. Though she wanted desperately for Edward and I to work out, I didn't think she thought about how her life would change.

Jake had been around as long as she could remember and he would no longer be a part of her life. Once again, I mourned the loss of my best friend.

"I noticed," she said, smiling at me through those long lashes.

"Well, it is because we broke up. I am so sorry Nessie, to disturb your life further," I said, taking her little hand.

"It's ok. Why?"

"We wanted different things, honey."

"He wanted to get married?"

"Yes, eventually."

"And you didn't want to do that?"

"No, I didn't want to marry Jake."

"This is good Mom," she said, bouncing slightly. "Now you can marry Dad, just like you were supposed to all those years ago."

"Nessie…" I sighed, really getting tired of this constant line of thought. I couldn't think about marrying Edward yet. I wanted it too badly and it would only serve to distract me from my rather unpleasant mission of sharing the truth with Edward.

"Wait, does this mean Jake won't hang out here anymore?" she asked, looking concerned.

"I am afraid so."

"But why cant you just go back to being friends? Like before?" she asked, her bottom lip trembling now.

As if I couldn't feel worse about the whole thing. Nessie's newfound pain tore me apart.

"I wish we could, but it just doesn't work that way baby. I am sorry," I said, rising from my seat across from her to kneel by her side.

"Ok. I guess I am just going to miss doing stuff with him. Like video games." She smiled a sad little smile and I knew we were out of the woods. Thank God.

"I know honey. It is going to be so quiet around here for awhile," I kissed her quickly and continued to prepare for the day.

"At least Aunt Rose is here now," Nessie commented. I tried not to snort.

"Speaking of Rosalie," I said. "Is it ok if she puts you to bed tonight?"

"Yes. She always reads to me forever!"

"Good. I am not going to be home until late," I told her.

"Why?"

"I have a date," I replied, smiling a bit to myself.

"What? Already? With who?" she yelled, concerned now.

"Your father Nessie."

She squealed and hugged me and we danced around the kitchen to Radiohead for a bit before it was time to head out, her to school and me to work.

"So what are you going to do?" Alice demanded, sitting with her legs crossed on the corner of my desk.

"I have no idea Alice. Go on a date," I said as I tried to focus on my computer screen. I had so much crap to deal with that day. Contracts, whiny ass rockstars, corporate bullshit.

We were even being fucking sued for who knew what.

Alice was disturbing the flow of my day, causing me to be behind schedule. And I had to stay on schedule in order to go on the date I was currently being grilled on.

"Well how am I supposed to dress you if I don't know what you are doing. Ask him," she insisted, shoving my phone under my nose.

"No," I said shortly.

"Come on Bella, I have like four first date options. I need to narrow it down. How fancy do you need to be? God, he better not take you to the beach. Do you think you will go to dinner?"

"Alice it is hardly a first date. We have a child."

Except I was so nervous, it felt like a first date.

Alice, obviously knowing this, just rolled her eyes and started poking me in the side of the head with my phone. Fed up with the antics of my big sister, I grabbed the phone with enough force to destabilize her balance on my desk, causing her to flap her arms for a moment before she landed on her ass at my feet.

I smirked down at her as she glared up at me. Though my joy was short lived because I remembered that my future niece or nephew was in there.

"Will you please be more careful Alice? You are prego!" I admonished.

"JUST TEXT HIM!" she bellowed.

I typed out a quick message to Edward not because she told me too but because I was suddenly a bit curious as to what he had planned.

_Help! Please say something that will deter Alice from her plan to dress me up like it is Grammy night. What exactly are we doing tonight?_

"Alright," I said as Alice got up with as much dignity as she could manage. "I asked him what the plan is. Can you please go away now?"

"I will as soon as he replies. Oh," she said in surprise as she glanced up toward the entrance to my office. "Hey Daddy!"

She pranced over to peck his cheek.

"Hey Ali," he replied, beaming. Charlie liked Alice's little visits. He said he didn't see the two of us together enough anymore. "What brings you in today?"

"Oh just enjoying my lunch break with Bella. She seriously needs my help." I glared at Alice so intently that my eyebrows were touching.

"Help?"

"Don't listen to her Charlie. She always thinks she is the answer to everyone's problems…" I trailed off without really finishing my thought because my phone vibrated on my desk.

_It is a surprise sunshine, but tell tinkerbell that you would look absolutely ridiculous in anything other then jeans and a t-shirt._

Smiling despite his typical sneaky manner, I replied.

_Well thank baby Jesus for that, I was a little alarmed that you were going to have me in heels. _

I looked up to find both Alice and the chief staring at me intently.

"What?" I said, confused. Alice looked elated. Charlie looked concerned.

"Did you hear a word I just said, Bella?" my father and boss asked.

"Uh… no I must have missed it…" My phone went of again, once again distracting me.

_Humm… having you in heels. I believe I have done that. But believe me Bella, I would gladly have you every way imaginable. _

I flushed red and once again didn't hear Charlie. I was in my own little dreamy Edward world.

_In your dreams buddy. I don't put out on the first date._

"BELLA," Charlie yelled, once again reminding me that he was even in the room. "Who, pray tell, is it that you are texting that would cause you to ignoring your one and only father?"

"It is no one, Dad," I said, continuing to blush furiously.

Charlie just raised his eyebrows at me to express his skepticism while Alice giggled like a loon.

"As I was saying," he continued, daring me to ignore his this time. My phone buzzed again, but I didn't open the text. "A couple of demos landed on my desk and I wanted you to take a listen, tell me what you think. I want to sign at least one new band in the next couple weeks."

"Yes, of course, I can totally do that. When do you need my thoughts by?"

"Tonight?" he ventured.

"Oh no," Alice interjected before I could say anything. "No, no, no that will not do. She has so much to do already today. And she absolutely must leave by 6 to get ready."

I glared at my sister again while Charlie looked mystified. I didn't want to tell him about Edward. I didn't think his heart could handle that on top of my break up with Jake. I basically traded the guy Charlie custom picked for the one he absolutely hated.

"What do you have going on tonight Bella? I didn't see any meetings on your calendar," he asked, turning back to me.

"Uhhh… I don't, its just, well I wanted to get home at a decent time," I muttered.

"She has a date Pops!" declared Alice.

I swear she lived just to make me uncomfortable.

"What? Already? With who?" I was answering a lot of questions these days.

So instead of answering, I leaped from my chair, grabbed Alice by her shoulders and started shaking her while she manically giggled.

I was really acting my age.

Charlie didn't look surprised. Instead he simply rose from his seat, told me that he didn't want to know, and exited the office, making sure to shut the door behind him on the way out.

"Oh, and don't worry about the demo's they can wait," he said before disappearing from view.

I really loved my dad.

"What the fuck Alice. Are you trying to kill him? Are you trying to get him to kill me?" I demanded.

"Don't you think you are overreacting slightly? Charlie will be happy for you Bella."

"He most certainly will not," I said, staring down at her in shock. "He hates Edward."

"Well, yes. But Charlie respects Edward. He respects how Edward got clean and stayed clean. He respects that Edward has turned out to be such a good father. Charlie hates how Edward hurt you, but he also recognizes that Edward has some power to bring you back to life again Bella."

"What do you mean? I am obviously alive."

"You know what I mean Bellie baby," she replied, smiling sadly. "You haven't been completely alive for the last 8 years, since you walked out of that apartment. You died a little bit that day."

"Has it been that obvious?" I asked, not bothering to deny her. "I tired to keep my obsession under wraps."

"You didn't do nearly as good a job at that as you thought," Alice said, smiling for real this time. "We remember what it was like back in the day. You and Edward were so serious about each other from the get go. Just like Jasper and I, or Emmet and Rose," I internally winced at this, "You and Edward are connected. For life. You have been trying to get by for the last 8 years without your other half and enough is enough."

I just nodded and checked my phone.

_First date? Wow, taking this starting over thing seriously huh? I shall just take the opportunity to make you come like you never have before…_

"I think you are right Alice," I said, holding back a moan as an image of thing to come flashed through my head. "Enough is certainly enough. And I am wearing jeans and a t-shirt!"

I don't remember ever dressing so carefully for another occasion. It took me several hours of teasing and straightening and curling and buffing I gave up, resigning to the fact that my hair looked no different from the wavy disarray is was when I started.

I was so fucking nervous. It was absurd. But this was Edward.

Though my hair wasn't cooperating, at least my make up turned out good. Subtle and natural looking.

Even so, I was so nervous that I sat there in front of my mirror for a prolonged amount of time, wishing I could find a little self-assurance from my looks. Rosalie and Nessie were lounging on my bed behind me, chatting and gossiping and making fun of me. Though irritating, it served to distract me from this ridiculous tension I was experiencing.

Sort of.

I wasn't sure if it was the fact that I was actually finally so close to getting everything I ever could possibly want or the fact that I would be sharing a secret that could very likely ruin it, but whatever it was, my tummy couldn't really handle it.

After I was mostly satisfied with my face and hair, I moved to stand in front of my closet, clothed in some fancy lilac underwear and a silk robe.

After 5 minutes of staring into my closet without really seeing anything, Nessie started to laugh at me.

"Mom, I thought you were just going to throw on some jeans and a t-shirt and call it a day!" she giggled, quoting me from an earlier conversation. "Dad isn't going to care what you wear."

"Yea Bella," Rosalie said, throwing a pillow at my head and causing Nessie to laugh hysterically. "Stop being such a girl."

I let out a frustrated growl and haphazardly pulled on my standard go to outfit. Worn it, yet still tight jeans that were long enough to be cuffed once and a form fitting white v-neck t-shirt. I violently put on my silver hoop earrings and matching bangles and 'called it a day'.

"There? Happy?" I said, gesturing to my ready to go body.

"Yes Mama, you look so pretty," Nessie sighed.

I looked to Rose who wore a somewhat softer expression then usual, indicating that she agreed with my daughter.

God they were annoying. Thank God Alice had to work that evening or things would have been considerably worse.

Rose looked like she was going to say something bitchy and cynical, but then the doorbell ran.

Nessie was off faster then I could blink, screaming 'I'll get it' as she raced down the staircase.

I sighed and started to follow. "Aren't you coming?" I asked Rosalie who had made no move to get off my bed.

"Nope. I don't want to witness you throwing your life away," she grumbled.

"I am not throwing my life away Rose. I am saving it," I said, trying to explain.

"So what? You are just going to forgive him for screwing that slut? For cheating on you?" she said surprisingly calmly.

"Is that why you are leaving Emmett?" I hadn't even considered this horrifying possibility before.

Rose snorted, making me feel much better.

"Of course not. This is Emmett we are talking about," she snickered. "The man would do anything for me." She got quite and looked at her hands before adding, "he would do to much for me."

Well that was something I would need to delve in to that later. For now I had to focus on myself and work on telling the truth for once.

"He didn't cheat on me Rose," I defended as I moved about my room, gathering my wallet, sunglasses, phone, and other necessities.

"So you have always said," she replied, raising a single eyebrow to indicate that she was not buying what I was selling.

Truth time.

"It is true Rose. It was my fault he even slept with Heidi."

"Your fault? Please Bella. Did you physically assist in the act? I mean, come on. He is responsible for his own actions, not you," she said, throwing her hands up in frustration.

"It is. I left Edward. 3 days before he slept with that whore and signed the record deal. He was such a mess Rose," I explained, still not looking at her. "I thought if he loved me like I loved him then it would be easy for him to stop drinking. When he said he would stop drinking for me I believed him. I didn't know what to do when he didn't. And then that horrible night we went to that club and I came home to find him passed out on the couch? Well the next day he wouldn't accept my solution of living with Charlie for a while. He was going to quit the band Rose! He was going to quit before they signed." Now I glanced up at her to see her eyes as big as saucers. "So I did the only thing I could think of to keep him quitting, I told him I didn't love him. I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore, and I left. I fucking lied the worst possible lie. It was my fault Edward slept with Heidi. And now I have to go tell him about my lie and he probably is going to hate me all over again after I confess, so really Rose, stop telling me I am about to ruin my life. I already did the life ruining 8 years ago when I committed the gravest sin I can think of!"

I turned on my heel and slowly walked out of the, collecting myself as I did so. That wasn't so bad. Maybe I could really do this. Maybe I could explain in a way that didn't make Edward change his mind about being with me.

I reached the top of the stairs and smiled down at Edward who was beaming at our daughter and tickling her, causing her to squeal in delight. He stopped abruptly and straightened when he saw me descend.

"Damn, you are beautiful," he said when I reached him as he tucked a stay lock of hair behind my ear, causing me to blush.

"Right back at yah, rockstar," I replied. And he did. Black jeans, green t-shirt that brought out his dazzling eyes, and stunning sex hair. Pushed up on top of his head was a pair of classic Ray Bans, the same style he had been wearing since I first met him.

We just stared at each other for a moment, appreciating the fact that we were actually together. This staring thing was a new development. Our years apart had left us a bit dazed whenever we were together.

Nessie giggled as she stood between us, forcing us to snap out of it.

"Uh… right… well we should go. Don't want to be late," he stammered, bending down to kiss Nessie's forehead. "Be completely horrible to Rosalie for me, ok short stuff?"

Nessie and I rolled our eyes together at his typical antics.

"Whatever Dad," Ness dismissed. "Where exactly are you going?"

"Yeah Edward," I echoed. "Where exactly are we going?"

He ignored me, but whispered the surprise in Nessie's ear.

"Oh she is going to love that. I wish I could come," she said, pouting slightly.

"Next time," Edward assured her.

"Yeah, yeah, ok."

I said my goodbyes to our daughter and allowed Edward to grab my head to pull me out the door, blowing a final kiss to Ness over my shoulder as we departed.

The moment we were alone in his car, he leaned over the center counsel and kissed me within an inch of my sanity.

"Hi," he said, pulling away.

"Hi," I replied with a shaky breath.

"Hungry?" he asked as he turned up this new, improved and tricked out version of the Volvo he always drove.

I just bit my lip and nodded. The lust must have been apparent on my face because Edward let out a shaky laugh and shook his head at me as we backed out on to the street.

"For food, sunshine. I thought there was no putting out on the first date?" he teased.

"I could eat," was my only reply.

Edward took me to a little hole in the wall Ethiopian place. We laughed and chatted as we sat on the floor and ate a delicious combination of flavors with our fingers.

The whole evening, Edward made sure to perpetually keep some part of him touching some part of me. A hand on my thigh in the car, a palm on the small of my back as we walked into the restaurant, pulling my knee over his leg as we ate.

I was so in love. So happy. I delighted in getting to know this new, grown up Edward. I was thrilled to discover all that remained of the boy I fell in love with all those years ago.

He was the same witty, moody Edward, but he had come to terms with the demons he had always struggled with. He was still cocky, but that overconfidence once was a cover up for deep insecurities, it seemed genuine now. He was a success. He was a rockstar. He had earned the respect of others.

He got clean. And maybe he couldn't do it for me but he did it for Nessie, for himself and that was the next best thing. Even more impressive was that he had managed he stayed sober despite the perpetual temptation in the music environment.

He made beautiful, wonderful, haunting, boundary pushing music. He retained himself and his integrity in a time when music was a formula rather then a passion.

And best of all, he still seemed to really love me. I didn't know if, like he clamed, he had always loved me. Of if, more likely, it was a reaction to seeing me again. But it didn't matter much to me, because I had never felt so connected to anyone in the entirety of my life.

It was just like before. But better.

"So where to next," I asked, reclining on my elbows after every scrap of food was devoured and the bill was paid (by Edward of course, something I found a bit hypocritical after years of not letting me pay for everything).

"A concert," he said, grinning at me.

I sat up straighter. He really had my attention now.

Concerts, shockingly, were our thing. Edward and I averaged 2 or 3 a week before Nessie came along. We had been to hundreds over the years. Death Cab, Bright Eyes, The Flaming Lips, James Taylor, The Aggrolites and many, many, many others.

Despite the fact that our tastes overlapped frequently, we did have our differences. I was a little more country. He was a little more rock'n'roll. But we respected these differences and enjoyed arguing. We went to all the concerts together.

I wondered who we would be seeing tonight.

"Really?" I replied. "That is just excellent. Any one I have heard of?"

"If you haven't," he said. "I will both be shocked and awed."

We traveled downtown to a concert venue that doubled as a pizza place where I had seen several shows over the years with Edward, and I squealed when I saw the poster by the door.

"No way," I said, once again in awe of the wonderful man I was rediscovering. "Jakob Dylan and Neko Case? No Way!'

"I thought you would approve," he smiled as he put his arm around my shoulders and led so to the back ok the quickly moving line.

"Approve? I am thrilled. So fucking exciting. Aren't they a little country for you?" I asked.

"Well, honestly, yeah. There is a bit of twang there that I am not a huge fan of. And I could handle a bit more rockin. But Jakob is a great song writer, he is not his dad but still. And you know I love me some fiddle. Plus Neko has a great voice. Actually I have listened to her quite a bit over the years because… never mind."

He turned his face away from me, looking embarrassed. I elbowed him in the ribs.

"Hey now," I whined. "You can't do that to me. Finish what you were going to say."

He just shook his head.

"Come on Edward," I pleaded, allowing my voice to get raspy as I whispered in his ear. "I love the way you talk about music."

He groaned and I knew I won. Success.

"Her voice reminds me of yours, ok?"

"Whatever," I said, annoyed that he would lie so blatantly. Neko Case had an amazing voice, and was a great performer. I was nothing like her. "You don't have to tell me, but don't lie."

"Bella," he laughed. "I am not lying. You sound like Neko, but edgier. I have always wanted to do a duet with you, to get you on stage."

"No you haven't."

"Yes I have," he said, serious now. "It is a life goal. Someday, I am going to get you to perform with me and it will be magic."

I felt light headed at the thought. Singing in front of a large group of people terrified me. Right after Edward left, I started singing at open mic nights at local coffee houses. It made me feel closer to Edward. When I did something scary or dangerous, I heard him in my head like he was standing next to me. I could feel him as if was really there.

But that had been no more then 20 people. Edward had played for 20,000. Imagining it was enough to kill me and it was something I could never do.

Though at the same time, I was pretty fucking flattered, both that he compared me to such a great artist and that he wanted to sing with me. Flattered, but not flattered enough to for that to ever be a possibility of happening.

"Nope. No possibility of happening," I said, continuing to look horrified.

He gave the stupid fucking puppy dog eyes, that goddamn crooked smile, and shy tilt of the head. The trifecta. "Please Bella," he breathed. "For me?"

I shook my head again.

"Well I hate to disappoint, but you are the rockstar in this relationship, rockstar," I said, wrapping my arms around his waist and looking up at him. "I would rather just watch."

"We shall see," he said in low voice.

EPOV

I couldn't really even believe she was here. With me. At a goddamn concert.

It was almost as unbelievable as the look of relief and need on her face when she came home from work yesterday to find me on her couch.

Fuck yes, Operation Hail Mary was fucking working.

She wanted to be with me. She wanted to try again. She wanted to work through our issues. She was my… well we hadn't really gotten as far as labels yet but I was fairly positive that she was mine.

I prayed that I wouldn't fuck it up again. I prayed that I deserved her love this round.

It was horrible timing and I had no fucking clue what I was doing and it was more perfect then what I could even think about dreaming of.

Goddamn, I loved her.

I figured a date was as good a place as any to pick things up again. So I took her to Jakob Dylan and Neko because I knew she would love it, even if it was a bit twangy and mellow for my taste.

It is not like I could pay much attention to the band anyway.

I led Bella inside and leaned up against a railing stage right. Bella wrapped her arms around my waist and kissed my jaw and more perfect was happening all over the place.

The show was probably great. I mean, the music was a nice background to staring at Bella, feeling Bella move in front of me, and hearing Bella sing along to the artists she loved.

Yup, perfection.

The one damper on the evening was a near assault by a couple of over eager fan girls. The whole stardom thing was still foreign to me. We didn't really have that much mainstream success until the last album and even then we retained an air of mystery. Though I did get harassed more then the rest of the guys, being I was the front man and an apparent hottie.

Though people would stop me for an autograph or just to talk, it wasn't horrible. Ok, I admit, at one point it fucking pissed me the fuck off, the way strangers suddenly felt proprietary toward me, like we were already intimate friends. But I didn't mind as much now. The attention was just part of the whole rockstar gig.

The paps didn't hound me because my life really wasn't that interesting.

Until I started fucking Tanya goddamn Denali that is. Stupid fucking decision.

But these girls, despite their flirting and unnecessary sexual overtones of the way they asked me to sign their ticket stub, were harmless and I was able t dispatch them rather quickly.

Slowly I turned back to Bella, feeling awkward and embarrassed. It was just another reminder that things were different now.

"Wow," she said, grinning at me. "You are different."

Fuck, that was exactly what I didn't fucking want to hear. But she was smiling so that was a good sign.

"What do you mean?"

"You are so mature and patient."

I just raised an eyebrow at her.

"The old Edward would never have tolerated such an interruption. It is nice to see you don't get all moody every time something doesn't go your way."

"I think there was a compliment in there somewhere?"

She laughed and grabbed my hand.

"Yes, Edward. You have grown up."

I smiled in return, pleased that she saw improvement in me.

But then our night was over and I figured I better take her home, rather then bringing her back to my place and screwing her brains out.

After all, Bella didn't put out on a first date.

I walked her up the steps and suddenly felt awkward, like I was 16 again and this really was a first date.

"I had a nice time tonight," Bella giggled as she turned when we reached her door.

"Ah… yes… well good. That was the point," I stammered, feeling completely ridiculous. The things this woman did to me.

She laughed again and roughly grabbed my neck, pulling my face to hers. The kiss was wild and needy and just a little tender. She moaned into my mouth after a few minutes and it drove me a little crazy and I ended up pushing her up against her still locked front door.

"Bella," I breathed as kissed along the column of her neck.

"Edward," she replied. "I love you."

I abruptly stop and pulled back to look at her in shock.

She what? How? This was our first date! Sort of. She didn't love me anymore. That's why she left. How could I change her mind so quickly?

We both stared at each other, eyes identical saucers of surprise, mouths similarly agape.

"You do?" I asked finally, feeling a long forgotten warmth spread through my chest.

She nodded, still looking terrified.

Some part of my now fuzzy brain found her obvious fear odd, but I was too wrapped up in an undiluted sense of joy.

"How?" I said, bumbling like a goddamn idiot. "I mean, that's good. Real good. You know I love you too, I just thought it would take longer…"

"Edward," she said, still looking terrified. "I do love you. I have always loved you."

I stared at her blankly for a moment.

"God, you are going to hate me after this," she mumbled looking at the ground for far to long before nervously returning her eyes to my face. "Edward… I lied."

Her statement had some recollection tingling in the back of me head. Her words were familiar and I struggled to remember through the hazy alcohol infused memories of those years after Bella left. I thought about Bella's tear stained face when what ever fuck that blonds name was walked out of our bedroom. I thought about how important whatever she was going to tell me was and how I lost all will to fight after Jasper beat the sit out of me.

What the hell was she talking about now?

"That day… that horrible weekend… I could not let you quit something you loved so I lied. I didn't think you would believe me but then you did and it was the only way I could think of to keep you from quitting. So I lied, when I told you that I didn't love you."

Slowly I was beginning to understand. Everything I thought I knew about anything was different.

"You… lied?" I asked, feeling a bit like I was underwater.

"Yes," Bella squeaked.

Part of me knew it. Part of me knew that something must have been wrong for her to say that to me. That it couldn't be true. Part of me felt relief that I finally knew the truth and that she really did love me. That she always had.

But I wasn't really listening to those parts at the moment.

Mostly I was just listening to the part that was shocked. The part that couldn't handle how different everything was. I had to totally rethink everything I ever thought.

How could she do this to me? My Bella was not a manipulative liar. My Bella was incapable of ever coming up with something so devious.

"Edward…" she said, tilting my statue like face to her panicked one. "Please, please believe me when I say that it is the biggest regret of my life. I didn't mean for it to turn out like this."

I couldn't hear anymore. I couldn't think anymore. I didn't know what to do. I just needed to be alone. So I left.

So I left.

Just like she did.


	21. Chapter 21

Now

BOPV

"Sinead O'Connor? I mean really?" I didn't even have to open my eyes to visualize my sister leaning disapprovingly against my bedroom doorframe.

"Go away," Rosalie and I rang out in unison.

After zombie-ing through the rest of the week, I was thankful it was Friday and I didn't want Alice intruding on our collective gloom.

We hadn't left my bed since I dropped Ness off at a friends house where she was attending a sleep over birthday party earlier that afternoon. I skipped out on work early to really enjoy this wallowing and I didn't want my pregnant, shinny sister ruining it.

I came straight home, put on my most depressing playlist, grabbed Rosalie, hunkered down under the covers with a plethora of junk food, and here we were, hours later.

"Aw, come on guys, excluding people is really not nice," she whined. Again, I didn't even feel the need to open my eyes to see her pouting.

"Did you just lose the man you have been in love with for the majority of your life?" Rose snapped. I felt her sit up abruptly next to me.

"Well, no," Alice said.

"THEN GET THE FUCK OUT."

Sinead changed into the Smiths and Alice sighed heavily before joining us, throwing her elbows until I ended up nestled in between my two best friends.

"What a mess," declared my sister after we silently listened to the music for a bit as it changed into No Doubt's classic break up song, Don't Speak.

Rose and I sniffled and nodded in agreement.

In the hours we spent in bed, Rose had finally shared some of those dirty details. Emmett, it seemed, had laid down the law, giving Rosalie an ultimatum. Either she married him or he was out.

So Rose, being Rose, broke up with him on the spot because of the principal of the thing. Apparently Rose never wanted to get married, didn't believe in the whole institution of marriage, thought marriage was completely fucking stupid.

I just didn't get how she could hate marriage more then she loved Emmett.

Now normally I would be firmly on team Emmett in such a scenario. Rosalie was obscenely stubborn and selfish, but she was so obviously heartbroken (a state I could sympathize with) that I couldn't bring myself to do anything other then simply share her pain.

We were a bit like comrades in arms.

I was just relieved to be sharing the burden. I wasn't the only one feeling this… vacant, sick, despondent. Rosalie's pain distracted me from my own. Sort of.

Even after all these years, I was still hurting him. They way his face collapsed when he realized that I altered our futures in such a devastating way just about killed me on the spot.

The music changed again to 'Goodbye to You' by the wonder women herself, Michelle Branch. I started crying again, both because Michelle was so wise and I didn't want this to be a final parting.

"He just left Alice," I whimpered, still not opening my eyes. "I told him. He turned and he just walked off."

"He didn't say anything at all?" Alice clarified.

"Nope. He just left. He turned and walked off." I had been repeating this statement all afternoon just as Rosalie had kept saying 'he gave me an ultimatum. And now he is gone.'

"Emmett gave me an ultimatum. And now he is gone," Rosalie interjected.

"And here you two are," commented Alice, not sounding nearly as sensitive as I thought she should be. "Wallowing and being pathetic and generally just accepting your misery."

Nope, not sensitive at all.

"What exactly would you have us do?" snarled Rosalie.

"Tell me something Rose," Alice said back with equal venom. "Do you want to break up with Emmett? Are you even capable of living without him?"

"I don't really have a choice," Rose said quietly, rolling onto her side, giving Alice and I the back.

It was pretty apparent that there was something going on here above Rose's new vocalized distain for marriage, but as Alice kept pestering the unmoving blond in my bed, it became clear that Rose wasn't talking. Alice turned her attentions to me instead.

I gulped as I took in the intense glare on my big sisters pretty little face.

"And you, are you ever once in your life going to fight for what you want? What you deserve? Are you really just going lose him, again, without trying every possible thing you can think of to fix it?"

I soaked up her words like photosynthesis, gaining energy and determination from her very valid points. I was losing him again. And I had to do everything in my power to change that.

"Why are you always so willing to fight for everyone else's happiness?" she whispered. "Please, just this once, got after what you really want."

So I absorbed my sisters advice, and began to plot.

EPOV

"Do you think I should have invited your mother?"

Bella had not been absent from my mind for more then a millisecond for the last two days. Since she dropped her big bomb. And I had always devoted a lot of mental time to my beloved, but it was getting a bit ridiculous. Even for me.

I was perpetually on the brink of calling her, but I always chickened the fuck out at the last moment. I was just so conflicted and torn up, I didn't know how to handle it.

"I invited her already. She just kissed my forehead and told me to behave myself," my daughter grumbled.

We were standing side by side (well Ness was standing, I was pacing), amongst the organized chaos that is the backstage of the Ford Amphitheater during a sound check. I hated being here so goddamn early, but at least I was with my daughter.

I was well known for being very picky about venues and I liked this one. It was outside for one, which was my favorite place to play. It was also indescribably intimate, despite it's huge size.

And baby, it would be packed tonight.

I could never stand still before a show. I was always so jittery. That rush of adrenaline made performing live my favorite aspect of this life. I was only ever truly at home on stage. No matter how nervous I got before every show, once I was up there I was unstoppable.

Not to be cocky or anything, but I pretty much fucking rock.

But I really wasn't in the fucking mood to fucking rock. My whole world had been recently flipped on its axis, the magnetic poles had switched, and earthquakes and volcanoes and tsunamis and shit were causing all sorts of new landscapes to be formed. I was still reeling from the change of how I had always looked at everything.

And the worst part was, it was completely and totally my fault. 100% a result of my own fucked up insecurities combined with some truly dick-like tendencies.

Bella may have lied bigger, but I certainly lied longer.

It was my own doing. I was the one that sought to convince her of the importance of my career. One ill advised self declaration to keep Bella out of the upsetting part of my life had worked so well, I had her believing that the band trumped her.

Which was total fucking bullshit.

But how would a scared teen mother know that?

It was me who convinced her that the band was so important, that anything, no matter how sacred, could be sacrificed. '

I was the one who was never home and constantly drunk and a complete fuck up with both her and Nessie. I treated them like they didn't matter and that is what Bella unsurprisingly believed.

So on one hand, I didn't blame Bella at all.

Yet the other. Oh the other. I was so fucking mad at her.

She had me thinking, for years and fucking years, that she didn't love me. She tainted my view of everything we had together, had me questioning the sincerity of every interaction I ever had with her.

Not only that, but I would have done so much different if I had known that she was such a goddamn liar.

I would have started operation hail mary the fucking goddamn second I got clean. I would have been there every time she turned around until we finally figured it out. I would have punched Jacob Black the fuck out when I heard that they were officially dating at Alice's wedding.

There would have never been anything close to Black and Bella as a couple.

And, because self flagellation is my thing, I started picturing the two of them together.

Goddamn I wanted a drink.

We lost so much time.

But as pissed off and depressed and confused as I was, nothing diminished my conviction that Bella and I would be together someday. I would forgive her. I would tell her all I kept from her for years and pray that she could forgive too. I knew beyond any measure of doubt that I would love her.

For forever.

There was one more fucking day before we flew to New York for more album promoting before the tour officially started. I had all sorts of press and meetings to deal with tomorrow and then we would be on a red eye tomorrow night.

I didn't know when I would see her again.

"She loves live music, your mother," I muttered as I watched the openers run through their set without really paying much attention. They were decent and I knew I would be seeing a whole lot of them in the coming months, but for now I couldn't be bothered.

"She really loves not live music too. Sometimes I don't even get all of my homework done because she makes me dance with her!" exclaimed Nessie, looking scandalized.

"I wish she was here," I confessed, putting an arm around her narrow shoulders.

"Because you love her and are trying to win her back."

"Oh Vanessa, if only it was that simple," I sighed.

"It is that simple! Just like the movies. Aladdin and Jasmine, Arielle and Eric. Oh my god, BELL and that big furry thing."

I laughed.

"Oh so I am the big furry thing in this scenario then?" I said with mock indignation.

"Don't be silly Daddy," she said, all charm now that she realized she offended me. "The beast gets handsome at the end, just like you."

She tugged me down to kiss my cheek and then started dancing to the opener who really should be wrapping up any minute.

The band onstage launched into a slew of profanities and I reached out to cover Nessie's ears. Personally, I didn't think Nessie was quite ready for the sights, sounds, or smells of a concert, but I really loved having her here sharing this very important part of me. Plus she had been begging me to let her come since she was about 4. I finally gave in a couple years ago after going on a rampage that ensured that backstage wouldn't be a totally unhealthy environment.

"Dad!" she huffed as I allowed her to move my hands. "I am ten years old, not a baby. Plus I have heard you say all those words so many times. Your favorite is godd—"

I covered her mouth this time and winced. One of the hardest parts of being a Dad was watching my mouth. And in fairness to myself I had really cut back. I mean, goddamn wasn't every other word out of my mouth now. Every third maybe, but still. It was a vast improvement that was, like so much else, totally Bella's doing.

"Hey watch it Ness, you know the drill. If I ever hear anything like that gracing your lips you will not be attending these shows anymore. And I will lock you in your closet for 2 weeks of bread and water," I said, tweaking her nose as I removed my hand from her mouth.

She just rolled her eyes at my typical theatrics.

"But it is not fair. You get to say whatever you want," she grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Life isn't fair darling," I continued, thinking about her mother. A-fucking-gain. "Plus I am a grown up. And a rockstar. Cuss words are just part of the persona."

"I want to be a rockstar!" she yelled as she pranced away from me to do some pretty rocking air guitar.

"No you don't," I said, laughing.

"Why not?"

"Because you hate to be away from the people who love you."

"Oh. Right. I forgot about that part. So do you really have to leave tomorrow?" she said, giving me those big, pleading eyes that usually succeeded in getting her whatever she wanted.

"Yeah, I really do."

Eventually, Nessie and I found our way the dressing room where I left her to play gin with Seth and Leah who kept staring at me tonight. Under the pretense of going to the bathroom, I slunk out the back to steal a quick smoke.

And yes, I had quit. Mostly. But I just needed to calm down a bit. Though I was always twitchy pre-show, something was different tonight. There was more to my anticipation then performing but I couldn't place what.

As usual, all I could think about was Bella. It was the same whenever I played, but I felt even more connected to her when it was live and in L.A. It was stupid, I knew, but sometimes I would imagine what she would say, how she would react to whatever happened on stage.

She could have been here with me, for years, if we both didn't fuck up so much so often.

I wished I was as good at explaining how I felt about her as I was at playing it. Everything was clearer with notes. I was a better communicator this way, but I knew that had to change if I ever wanted a real shot with Bella.

And really, how the fuck could I blame her for doing anything she could to get away from me. I was a goddamn train wreck back then. I treated her like shit, or so I thought. I didn't have proof to this being that those years were still a bit foggy what with all the alcohol consumption. I remembered passing out on Nessie, I remembered forgetting our anniversary, I remembered wanting a drink the moment I woke up every morning next to her.

Once upon a time I used one to balance my addiction to the other.

But nothing was that easy.

I dragged the smoke into my lungs and groaned at the lovely tobacco sensation. Goddamn that felt good.

I sank down against the wall, rested on my heels, flipped up the collar of my leather jacket in defense of the oddly chilly breeze, and continued to brood.

I was well into my second cigarette when Emmett slammed through the door.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he asked as he let the door slam behind him and sat next to me.

"Emmett," I said, exhaling. "I am smoking a goddamn cigarette. What the fuck does it look like I am doing?"

He glowered and shrugged and didn't respond.

"Don't tell Alice," I said, breaking the silence that had stretched between us. "Or Nessie," I amended.

"Give me one," Emmett said, sticking his hand out.

"Fuck no. I had to practically seduce a male assistant to get these three. Get your own." But then Emmett turned to me and I handed it to him, compelled by the darkest look I had ever seen grace my big brother's face. It was the kind of look I was more used to seeing in the mirror then on the jovial Emmett.

"You look like shit man," I said, giving him a light. "Does this have to do with Rose moving out?"

"How the fuck do you know about that?" he yelled, looking horrified.

"Well, I was just assuming that she wasn't staying at Bella's for shits and giggles," I commented.

"SHE IS STAYING AT BELLA'S?"

I watched in mourning as he leapt to his feet and crushed my last fucking cig in his huge grip.

"Emmett, calm the fuck down. How did you not know this? What the hell happened?" I demanded as I rose and placed a hand on each of his shoulders in an attempt to get him to settle.

"She left me man… she just fucking left. I told her I couldn't live like this anymore, that I wanted her to be my wife and she fucking left," he murmured, looking a bit dazed. It was as if he was having a hard time believing it himself.

Poor motherfucker. I could relate.

"Bella lied," I offered, causing him to raise a dark eyebrow at me. "When she left… I only let her go because she said she didn't love me. All this time… anyway, she lied. And I cant stop thinking about how different our lives would be if she didn't."

"What the fuck are we going to do about these fucking women Edward?" he asked, quite seriously.

"Right now, we are going to go play our goddamn hearts out and then we are going to go make it right."

"And how are we going to make it right?" he asked.

"Fuck if I know."

He laughed, pulled me into a headlock, and led me back inside.

BPOV

I had been doing this in secret for so long it was practically a tradition.

Even Alice didn't know about it. Or at least I didn't think she did, it is difficult to say being as she was practically omnipotent. But I was pretty sure that Alice didn't have the self-control to keep quite about this most sacred of traditions.

Minus that one conversation following the first time I snuck into a Vampire Sunrise show in which I yelled at Alice to yell at Edward about his health, it wasn't mentioned.

Jake joined me for a couple years but the guilt of bringing him ultimately distracted me from the music so I pretended that I didn't do it anymore.

It was easier that way, especially because I couldn't even explain to myself why I went.

Kathleen might have known too. I would usually ask her to watch Nessie, something that was quite rare when I wasn't working. After losing Edward, I was always very reluctant to be away from my daughter more then I had too. Plus I was a terrible liar so I am sure that Kathleen saw through my excuses, but she didn't push for answers for which I was grateful.

I had attended every single one of their shows in the area since they released their second album. Explaining even to myself how I felt about his music was difficult. Even though I found it thoroughly depressing and heart breaking, I couldn't stop listening. In recent years I had reached a point where I didn't even want to try.

I loved Vampire Sunrise and I always attended the shows of bands I loved. Except it was obviously so much more then that. The music connected us, even if he didn't know I was there, I was positive he felt it somehow.

After the band significantly cleaned up their act and Nessie was old enough to attend, Alice started taking my daughter. This made it beyond easy for me to sneak into the shows alone and unnoticed.

Those two hours were heaven, well worth it even if I felt hallow for days afterwards.

This night was so different and exactly the same.

For one I wasn't alone. For two, I was going through the backstage entrance.

"Alice," I said, starting to panic at my lack of plan. "What am I even supposed to say to him when I see him? I don't think I can do this.

I hoped he was ok. The look on his face when he left told me he wasn't.

"Just say what you feel," Alice said, wrapping her arm around my waist as we walked toward the surly looking bouncer.

I wanted to just get back in bed with Rose.

But even I wasn't that much of a coward. I knew I had to talk to Edward, that he was leaving tomorrow but the chicken shit part of me wanted to just wait and call him to tell him who knows what.

Or maybe I would find him after the show and jump his bones.

Yes, because that is such an excellent way to deal with all of our issues.

Alice and I were arriving way earlier then I was used to.

Standard procedure over the years was to arrive after the openers and lurk in the back in order to keep from being seen. Then I would cry and dance and sing and miss him and glow with pride in how fucking _good _they were before slipping out quickly with the masses, with no one important the wiser.

The first time I saw him, post break up, he looked so sick and was obviously so angry that it just about broke me all over again. Jake distracted me with motorcycles and spontaneous beach and city adventures with Nessie.

The next few times were the same.

A year later, he looked like a zombie, a shell of a person. Completely devoid of personality, numb from whatever substance he was on. It left me a typical emotional wreck and I dispatched Alice again, hoping that his sister could help him when I could not.

After two years apart, Edward was clean and skittish. I know it must have been so hard for him to not drink in this same old environment, but he was doing it. He was trying right? On stage he lacked his typical self-confidence and cocky demeanor. He was quite, limiting his interaction to the crowd and leaving the talking to Seth. I prayed that he would stay this way, the sober part at least, that one day I would trust his enough to let him back into Nessie's life.

It was only in the last couple of years that Edward was finally back to himself. He was happy, healthy, visiting Nessie on a weekly basis, and exuded passion from the stage. Sometimes his face would reflect some of its former sorrow and I wondered if he was thinking about me.

I always saw the sorrow in the countless shows I had attended since.

He probably hated me, just like a part of me hated him, for Heidi, for his inability to stop drinking when we still had a chance, for being absent from so much of Nessie's life, for making me love him so much still.

In recent years I had let go of a lot of that anger and hate, but it was still their buried deep.

There was so much standing between Edward and I.

We approached the backstage entrance and my hands were shaking. I shouldn't be here. He probably didn't want me here. I didn't want to fuck his performance with my presence.

I didn't have a backstage pass like Alice's and I secretly hoped he would turn me away. But then the shield was pulled up and I gave him attitude and named dropped Charlie and my own position at Swan and I was in.

"Shit," Alice said as we rounded a corner and got a good look at the band for the first time from the distance. "They are about to start their sound check. I wanted to get them in concert attire before."

"You shouldn't have been late Alice," I said, half hiding behind her (stupid because she is quite small) and half craning my neck in an attempt to get a good look at Edward who was huddled next to a very large and pale looking Emmett.

"I was only late because you wouldn't fucking get out of the car!" she seethed as she began to move foreword.

I did not follow.

"Alice, I really don't think I can do this," I said again.

"Bella, lets just go watch the sound check, ok?" she pleaded though I could tell that she was at the need of her typical short supply of patience.

But then Edward moved and I could feel that he was about to turn towards me, to look at me, to finally give me a hint to how he felt about me know.

So I did the obvious, logical thing.

I was in a panic. I couldn't face the music. I hated myself. For once I had absolutely no idea what to expect and it was freaking me the fuck out.

I think that was how I ended up in a storage closet.

I got a glimpse of bronze curls and I was so wrapped up in acting like a spy or something that I leapt into that closet.

Dazed and confused, really questioning my sanity and not really knowing how I ended up there, I sat on an overturned bucket. I was putting myself in time out until I could get a handle on my emotions.

When I was calm, then I would find Edward and start a level headed, logical, and mature conversation about our future and the mistakes of our past.

EPOV.

What the fuck was I doing?

It was the sole thought pounding through my head as we checked sound levels and made sure everything was set for the show.

I was leaving. To-fucking-morrow. And instead of making up for lost time I was wasting more of it by being a goddamn child.

Music and simply holding my guitar made me feel more connected to her. Maybe that was why I was suddenly overcoming with her presence and the need to be near her. Decision made, I pulled out my phone intent on calling her and demanding in the politest way possible that she get her sweet ass downtown when a tiny hand stopped me.

"Alice," I growled between clenched teeth.

"EDWARD!" she said with exaggerated enthusiasm. "Here is your outfit."

I just glared at her, trying to read her mind after snatching the pile from her hands. She was acting weird. Well, weirder then usual.

The record company insisted that we hire a professional to make us look presentable. Well, sexy and cool were the terms they used. At first I wanted to fight them on it, because it really fucking shouldn't matter what we wore, but Emmett talked me down. My biggest lesson in all the years in the industry was learning to pick my battles.

Plus Alice was a professional and she had been telling me what to wear since I was 15 so it really wasn't that big of a deal.

"I suggest you go change in the storage closet down that hall," she said, grabbing the pair of pants Seth had placed on his head and hitting him repetitively with it. "DO NOT FUCK WITH THE CLOTHES YOU IMMATURE LITTLE TWAT!"

Storage closet?

"I can't… I have to get Ness. I left her with that creepy PA. She probably has developed a smoking habit by now—"

"Edward," Alice seethed, eyes focused on Seth and Emmett who were chasing each other around us in a big circle, hitting each other with their pants.

Stupid, goddamn retarded band mates.

"I will get Ness. Will you please just go change? Believe me when I saw it is very, VERY important that you go to the STORAGE CLOSET. Ness and I are going to get dinner. It will probably take a while. Just go," Alice said before letting the full power of her wrath bear down on a cowering Emmett and Seth.

Oh yes. Most definitely weirder then usual.

But I was never one to argue with Alice, so I made my way to the fucking storage closet turned dressing room, calling Bella as I did so.

I paused as I reached for the handle and the phone began to ring against my ear, puzzled at the echoing ring that seemed to respond from within the closet.

Gingerly I opened the door, only to see a wide eyed Bella sitting on an overturned bucketed, chin in her hands, staring at the glowing phone on her lap.

BPOV

I hadn't moved.

Edward was out there. Singing. Playing the guitar. Closing his eyes and bending over the instrument in the most fuck all sexy manner I could imagine. The thought of it literally had me pushing my thighs together and stifling groans in the dark.

What the hell was wrong with me? Here I was, failing at fighting for the man I loved, choosing instead to work myself into a sexual tizzy just at the sound of his music and the image in my head.

I was acting like a crazy person. So I would just have to sit on timeout until I could act like an adult. I didn't like or recognize this sex crazed, stupid, overly dramatic individual I was at the moment, so I sat.

I needed to calm down so I could actually talk to Edward instead of jumping him.

But then he was calling me. Holy fuck he was calling me and the music was over and I was just so shocked that I couldn't do anything but stare at my phone like a moron. The vibration in my lap only served to heighten the tension in my body.

So when the door thundered open and he stood there scowling at me in all his glory, I just wasn't ready to behave like a sane human being. And I continued to sit, biting my lip and staring up at him and digging my hands into my thighs to keep myself from leaping at him.

He was so fucking sexy. I wanted him to play me like he did his guitar and it to be me inciting that kind of passion in him.

Without saying anything he stepped inside and shut the door, plunging us into darkness.

Was he trying to kill me with my own lust?

But then he tripped and cursed and mumbled something about the goddamn light switch. I couldn't stifle my giggle because it was just such a display of classic Edward.

"What exactly do you find so funny Isabella?" he asked, obviously annoyed that I was laughing at him.

"Nothing, Edward," I insisted as he continued to putter about in the dark. After a few more minutes the sounds of his explorations stopped and he sighed heavily, obviously giving up.

"Isabella."

Gah, the full name.

Twice.

He really was trying to kill me. I loved it when he called me my full name. It usually meant that he was super serious about something, typically making me come.

"Yes?" I managed to breathe back. It sounded like he was closer now and this lack of vision thing was a huge turn on. I wondered what that said about me as a person but dismissed the errant thought.

"Could you explain to my why you just happen to be in this storage closet?" he asked.

I wish I knew.

"Well… I heard this really great band was playing here tonight so I decided to check it out," I said, stumbling over my words. He could be anywhere in the dark.

"That doesn't really clarify the closet," he whispered right in my ear. I gasped, shocked that he was so close and almost fell backward off my makeshift stool.

"Don't you want me here?" I asked, sweeping my hands out blindly in an attempt to locate him.

Good grief I was wet.

"I… Well, yeah actually. I guess I do. I was just calling you… fuck Bella where is the goddamn light! What the fuck is the point of this fucking hole in the wall CLOSET if not to be illumined to assist in the STORING of things!"

Tears welled in my eyes as I heard how absolutely tortured he was. Tortured and conflicted and… broken. I did that. That was me. I just hoped it wasn't too late. I mean he was freaking out about the light, not a good sign.

"Edward. I am here because I love seeing the man I love on stage. I am here because I want to be. I am here because I am so sorry I lied. And mostly I am here because for the first time ever I am going to fight for us. For you."

I listened in the dark for a hint on the effect of my words. The noise of his pacing had ceased and I couldn't even make out his breathing over my own panicked breaths.

"I didn't know what else to do, Edward. You were drowning and I had to put Nessie first. I was young and stupid, but… but." I was really gasping for air then, sobbing at all the hurt of our past crashing down on me. At the same time I needed him, needed to touch him.

"I shouldn't have lied, made you think something so horrible and so far from the truth. I am so sorry, for lying for waiting so long to tell you… I was going to, that day. But then Heidi…" I inhaled jaggedly, trying to calm down. "All the fight went out of me."

Edward hissed in the corner. He couldn't have possibly been farther away from me. I thought he would say something, but the silence persisted and I pressed on.

"You were a push of a button away from quitting the band. For me. How would that have helping anything? How would quitting something you loved, something that you had wanted since you were a little kid, helped you sober up? The band always had most of you and I couldn't let you quit. Especially when it would have caused you to be even more destructive."

I realized that I was getting all worked up and I was supposed to be apologizing, not ranting.

"You don't know anything," he said in a low voice, much closer then I anticipated.

Ah he spoke again and I reached out, finding his jaw in the dark. We both inhaled sharply at the contact.

"I know that I am sorry. I know that I messed up. More then anything I know that I love you." His whole body seemed to shutter under my hand at my words. I continued to stroke his face and attempted to pull him closer but he was not budging. "How could you believe me so easily? After everything… I am a terrible liar."

"It never made sense," he stammered. "You loving me."

"It is the only thing that ever made sense to me," I said with conviction, wishing he would give me some sign that would allow me to get closer to him.

"My own mother didn't even love me Bella," he snapped. "How could someone as perfect as you?"

If there had even been a little bit of light in that room, he would have seen a look of abject horror on my face.

"That is such bullshit," I sputtered, not really knowing how to tackle that one. "I am obviously no where even close to perfect! And your mother was deranged! And you are wonderful and kind and funny and I hate myself for torturing you further."

"What's bullshit is how we spent all these years apart," his voice steadily rising in pitch and volume. "What's bullshit is that I did believe you and that knowledge kept me from winning you back YEARS ago. What's bullshit is that I spent years pissing on the memory of us. What's bullshit is that it is all my fucking fault for being such a fuck up. It still doesn't make sense for you to love me Bella, after everything I did to you and Nessie. I lied too Bella. The band wasn't my fucking priority. I was a young and stupid kid and I somehow managed to convince myself that you wanted a rockstar. I just wanted to be near you."

I opened my mouth to object, and loudly too, but his hand found my lips in the dark, effectively silencing me promptly. And I let him, because for the first time in years things were starting to make sense. Like a giant piece of the puzzle that was Edward and I was falling in to place. His confession had me seeing conversations and behaviors in a whole new light.

Of course Edward hated touring. Of course Edward hated being told what to create. Of course it was the band, not me, that had him so miserable.

I was just lucky that my desertion hadn't killed him in the end.

"I know Bella. I realize now that I was deluded and insecure and a fucking alcoholic. But that is what I thought so I kept a lot form you. I hated every minute I was away from you, band or no band. I would have done anything to make you happy and I thought becoming a rockstar would make you happy."

And the horrors just kept coming.

I rose then, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing myself into him like the shameless hussy I was. Despite the tension I felt there, he slowly relaxed and returned my embrace.

"I love you Edward Cullen," I said, tightening my grip. "All I ever wanted was to make you happy, healthy, fulfilled. I would love you no matter what you did for a living. I am so sorry I ever made you feel otherwise."

He groaned and seemed to collapse against me, shaking his head against my neck and stuttering incoherently for a moment before regaining some composure.

"I love you Bella. I am sorry for failing so miserably back then. I am sorry I couldn't get clean, I am sorry for not trusting in what we have. I am sorry for not showing you my priorities. I don't deserve your love Bella. You give it too freely, after what I did to you and Nessie."

I was beginning to see that Ness and I weren't the only ones hurt by Edward's actions. He did the most harm to himself. I had to forgive him, he had to forgive me, and we had to forgive ourselves if we had any chance of moving on.

"I love you," I said again, with a ferocity I didn't know I was capable of. His arms tightened around me and I hoped that he was starting to believe me.

"I love you now, I love you then, I love you forever," I continued, barely aware that we were both openly crying now. I continued to reaffirm my love, to change what he thought was true for years, as I planted kisses on any part of his face I could find with my lips in the dark.

For one terrible moment I thought he wouldn't respond, that he would declare that too much damage had been done, and that he would demand I get the fuck out of his life for good.

But then he did respond. With gusto.

There was silence and stillness for what felt like forever until suddenly I was hoisted off the ground, kissed within an inch of my life, and slammed against what I could only assume was the door.

I think I squeaked a little and my head hit the door but if anything the pain simply added to massive amount of pleasure I was already experiencing.

His hands were everywhere, throwing off my tank top and sliding under the waistband of my jeans. His lips were everywhere, nibbling on my collarbone and thoroughly tormenting each nipple through the thin material of my bra. He was everywhere, in my head, in my heart, in my soul.

"Goddamn, evil she devil…" he groaned into the side of my neck as my hands found their way into his hair. "I don't… ah… want to think… fuck shouldn't… love me?"

"Edward," was all I could manage.

"We should be," another groan, "talking or some shit."

"Later." I pushed his shirt off his shoulders.

"You always say that." He struggled with my jeans with one hand before finally setting me down with a thud. Then he was on his knees in front of me yanking down my pants and underwear in one fluid motion. I shuttered when the cool air hit my thighs and then absolutely convulsed when his lips found my clit.

I yelped.

Still unable to see, this whole series of events was completely unexpected, completely intensifying everything.

"I urggg… mean it… for real this, gah, time," I moaned, scared that he would stop any moment and go back to hating me.

Oral pleasure had to be a sign of forgiveness? Right? I myself was well on my way to forgetting the past. For both of us.

"Mumm…" he mumbled against me.

It was all soft lips, nipping teeth, and probing tongue. Just how I liked it. The tension was coiling and I was having a hard time balancing my desire to touch him with my hands with my need to hold onto the doorframe in order to stay upright.

His tongue circled my clit again and I stumbled, thankful that he was in tune enough with me to brace me with his big hands on my hips, bringing one of my legs over his shoulder as he did so.

Needless to say it didn't take long for me to come after that.

His name was still on my lips when I was once again pushed up against that door with him thrusting into me in the dark, effectively shocking me once again. Edward sought out my lips and I was attempting to kiss him, having no control my breathing at that time.

I missed this symphony that was unique to Edward and I.

"Goddamn Isabella," he moaned between labored breaths. "You feel so fucking good."

My answer was a moan as I raked my fingers down his back.

"Do I make you feel good?" he hissed as the pace of this pounding increased. I nodded in response, but of course it was too dark to see. "Do I? Use your… fuck… words—"

"Yes," I cried. "Edward… I love you."

"I love you," he responded, reaching down to where we were intimately acquainted, an action that had me coming for the second time that evening. I few more fast strokes and Edward joined me.

A boneless glob, we slid down the door to the floor together.

"Do you really love me, Bella?" he whispered, still clinging to me. His voice sounded young and insecure and it had me tearing again.

"Yes. Very, very much. I can't ever lose you again Edward," I murmured, content in his arms.

But my joy was short lived because moments later pulled away, putting ill advised space between our bodies.

"Fuck," he cried suddenly. His exclamation was followed by the sound of a fist connecting with the concert floor.

"What?" I said, warily, feeling like he was on the verge of breaking my heart (again) and destroying out beautiful lovemaking.

"I am such a colossal fucking goddamn fuck up." I could envision his running his hands through his hair. "We shouldn't have fucking done that."

Yup. There it was. The heartbreak, something that was far too familiar at this point in my relatively young like.

"We shouldn't have?" I asked, sounding like the young one now.

"No. Fuck Bella. We are supposed to be taking things slow. I am still fucking disgusted with the both of us. I am annoyed with you, well not at this exact moment obvioulybut you get the point, and I am furious with me because this whole fucking mess is my own goddamn fault."

"Does this mean that you hate me?" I asked quickly before losing my nerve.

"What? Fuck no. I could never fucking hate you. I motherfucking love you Isabella, goddamn it. I will get over this, I wont let either of our lies ruin us. I will make it up to you but how the fuck am I supposed to make you feel loved and cherished and valued when I can't not fuck you when you get near me? GODDAMN, I can't believe I lost control like that—"

I let out a breath that was half frustration, half relief. I was pissed that he didn't understand how he made me feel. I was relieved that he wanted to make me feel like that at all.

"Edward," I said, on the verge of losing patience with my beautiful rockstar. "That is exactly what you just did. You made me feel cherished and loved and valued."

He just made a skeptical sound and continued to move around in the dark.

"I am just still so fucking sad Bella," he whispered in the dark, making me want to cry all over again. "A million 'what ifs' are running through my head. I keep thinking about everything we lost, wishing there was a way to go back and fucking fix it."

"You will drive yourself and me crazy thinking like that," I replied, determined not to follow him on that depressing path. "Wishing is useless."

We should get up," he said, effectively ending the conversation.

So I did, trying to figure out a way to displace that ache in both of us of what could have been.

EPOV

"We should get up," I said tersely. For someone who had just indulged in the hottest round of quick fucking ever, I was wound pretty goddamn tight.

I couldn't believe I lost control like that, fucking her brains out while this hailstorm of conflicting emotion still raged inside me.

Not that it wasn't worth it, but I would have much preferred to feel steadier with Bella before sexing it up. Again.

I should have felt elated about all the shit that we just hashed out.

She loved me. She had always loved me. As hard as it was to believe, that was the truth. She wanted me to be her new (old) boyfriend. These were good things, even if I didn't like the way that sounded in my head. Boyfriend seemed far too casual after everything that we had been though, but it was a start.

And I was pretty fucking certain that she wanted to start something of a forever nature.

I should have been over the goddamn moon, but instead I was all up in my head, pulling away from her again, and torturing myself with a thousand what ifs.

"Don't ruin something so beautiful with sadness," she whispered back as I started to move around in search for her clothes and my outfit for the evening.

"I am not trying to ruin anything sunshine," I sighed as I zipped my pants. "Just give me some time."

"Right. Yes. Anyway," she stammered, shuffling around in the dark, avoiding really talking to me. "I can't fine my clothes."

"You are better off without them," I remarked, smiling a little and trying to move past this inexplicable grief. Bella was right when she always called me a drama queen. I was ridiculous.

"Oh really, you want me to leave this closet in only a moist bra to parade about in front of your friends and colleagues?"

Fuck. Friends and colleagues were indeed out there.

Before every show, the band had a pep talk/powwow complete with chanting and foot stomping to get ourselves properly psyched for a show.

I was really late for the powwow.

Best case scenario: they had given up on me and gone home. Unlikely being as we were due out on stage in a matter of minutes.

Worse case scenario: they had heard the whole thing and were waiting out side for me to appear with the mystery girl. I would never hear the end of this. Since I had gotten clean and then Sam two years later, we pretty much eliminated this sort of rockstar behavior from our touring. Even so normally, such things were overlooked but I had a bit of a reputation for being a bitch about keeping it clean when Nessie was around.

I would really never hear the fucking end of this.

"Fucking goddamn shit," I said as I continued to grope for the light switch.

"Relax," she laughed. "I think you know me a little better then to think I would actually do that."

I finally found the light and Bella squeaked and blinked as she covered her lady bits with her hands.

"It is a little late for an over active sense of propriety, don't you think?" I said, kissing her soundly before going about the business of getting dressed. I hoped she understood what I was feeling. I hoped she understood that I would make sure it passed.

Once we were both semi decent (Bella's hair was a riot of waves and I was sure I looked no less well fucked, but we did what we could) I pressed my ear to the door, attempting to hear if anyone was outside.

"Edward, I am sure everyone is really busy by now," she said as she wrapped her arms around my waist from behind, effectively pressing every bit of her body into my back. "I am antsy to get this show on the road so you can cheer up and we can move on the reunion sex part."

I quickly, though cautiously, opened the door, keeping Bella behind me as I peered out.

Most unfortunately I was greeted with the sight of 3 smug motherfuckers. Stupid worst case scenario. I should have considered myself lucky that this closet was rather out of the way and no one else was about. But I was in a glass half full kinda mood.

"Well, well, well," smirked Emmett. "If it isn't St. Edward, breaking his own motherfucking rules."

"What were yah doing in there Eddie?" asked Seth, far to innocently. "It can't be Tanya. I heard you broke up."

"It is probably a groupie," interjected a very superior Sam.

"Naw," Emmett continued. "He out grew that nasty habit years ago."

Bella pinched me in the back, hard at this.

"Ow, shit that fucking hurt," I exclaimed as I tried to figure out a way to get out of this. I didn't want Bella to be embarrassed.

"Let her out Eddie!" yelled Seth. This Eddie business needed to end. Right now. "I am sure your new friend would love to meet the rest of Vampire Sunrise. We are famous you know."

Bella laughed behind me and put a hand on my shoulder, motioning for me to get out of the way.

"If anything it will only improve her night, which, for the sound of things, was going pretty damn good to begin with," commented Emmett.

"Will you assholes just get out of here please?" I snapped, wanting to protect Bella from this.

"Edward," she said quietly from behind me in the shadows. "It's fine."

"See!" yelled Sam. "She wants to meet the sexier parts of the band."

Very reluctantly I huffed in frustration and stepped out of the way with a final glare, allowing Bella to come into the light.

"Hi boys," she said with confidence even though she was cherry tomato red right up to her roots.

The three identical looks of shock were pretty fucking great and I wished it was documented somewhere via photograph. They all moved into action at once after several seconds of silence.

Emmett bounded forward and swept Bella into his arms yelling 'no fucking way' over and over again. Seth grabbed Bella's hands pumping them vigorously and saying 'finally' in time with Emmett. Sam instantly dropped to his knees, raising his hands in thanks to whatever deity that sick fuck preferred.

"THANK THE POWERS THAT BE!" he bellowed.

My friends were such assholes.

But I let them carry on for a bit because they really had put up with a lot from me over the years. Plus Bella was laughing so the only one this scene making was annoying was me.

I could live with that.

Plus the whole thing was momentarily distracting me from the what if's so that was another positive.

And eventually they let her go. The second her feet were back on the ground she walked straight to my side, slipping under my arm and resting a hand on my chest and her head on my shoulder.

"Edward, stop scowling," she said as she kissed my jaw.

"Yea dude, we are just thrilled. It took ya'll long enough," said Sam. "I mean, this motherfucker was a mess with out you Bella. And when Edward is a mess he is a real bitch to deal with let me tell you."

That only deepened the scowl.

"I was a mess without you too," she whispered in my ear, looking shy at the confession. I definitely had mixed feelings about that. I didn't want her to be hurting, but I was glad she missed me. I sure as fuck missed her.

Though I wouldn't have had to miss her if she hadn't lied or I hadn't lied or we had been a little better at communicating or I managed to stop drinking sooner.

Gah, this really needed to stop if we had a chance at working this round.

We were well on our way, I wouldn't let myself fuck it up.

"So are you two like back together now?" asked Emmett.

"Yeah, weren't you dating Jake?" asked Seth.

"Are you coming on tour with us or something?" ask Sam.

"Alright, calm down. Listen, Bella and I haven't really worked out the details yet, but yes she broke up with Jake and yes, we are figuring some stuff out, ok?" I said as I attempted to get away from them, pulling Bella sideways with me toward the bustle of the main stage where the roadies were setting us up.

How the fuck long were we in that room?

"You sound like you are talking to the fucking press Eddie," scowled Sam.

"Since when the fuck is it ok to call me Eddie?" I yelled, but no one listened, as usual.

"Ok boys, enough questions. You will just have to wait till your next male bonding secession to get all the details because I am insisting that you all focus on your show. This is the first one I have not snuck into in a very long time and I want you at the top of your game."

What the fuck was she talking about? I raised my eyebrow at her and made a mental note to get to the bottom of that at some point.

"I am going to go find my sister and daughter and sit down and enjoy this goddamn show. I am suddenly overcome with fatigue," she finished with a smirk.

Goddamn, if I wasn't such a fuck up I could have been enjoying that smirk for the last 8 years.

There were the expected jokes at that comment, but after a lot of hugging of Bella they finally let her leave.

"Alright assholes," I said, trying to drum up a little enthusiasm. I was so fucking tired. The only way I was able to get on stage was the knowledge that is was for Bella. I owed her something. I owed her everything. "No fuck ups. Remember what we practiced. Now lets melt some mother fucking faces!"

Face melting was definitely not our thing, but it sure got Emmett and Seth pumped.

We made our way towards the stage and I tussled Nessie's hair as I passed, giving Bella a sad smiled as I took my guitar for a roadie.

And the millisecond I was onstage everything changed, just as it always did. I was in the motherfucking zone, adrenaline pumping a greater rate tonight because Bella was here. Bella was watching me. Bella was mine.

At the same time, all the angst laced words I wrote about this seemingly doomed relationship with my lost dream girl were harder to sing. Those emotions were fresh and it was like I was feeling all that pain for the first time. I was reliving every documented moment shared with this amazing women through song. It was cathartic. I was purging all ill will and thoughts of what could have been.

We finished the show and taking a few moments of recovery time before the encore (a audience/performer tradition I had always found cumbersome) when I went with a whim that would rid me of these last vestiges of sorrow and regret.

I sat at the piano and began to sing the saddest song I knew.

It was a personal favorite of mine, a track I often put on or sang alone with my guitar when I really wanted to wallow in a feeling of misery of the reality of life without Bella.

Lenard Cohen was a motherfucking genius.

Though I added my own embellishments to keep myself entertained, neither I nor Jeff Buckley or Rufus Wainwright or the countless others to remake it could top the original. I didn't think anything could make Hallelujah more gut wrenching, poignant, or goddamn beautiful.

That was until I heard Bella's voice joining my own in that first verse.


	22. Chapter 22

So I am an idiot.

Some of your reviews confused me to going back and looking at this chapter I realized I submitted a non saved chapter.

Opps.

If you go back and read the end everything will make much more sense.

Sorry and big thanks to everyone reading!

BPOV

There was nothing on God's green earth that could get me to do what I was thinking of doing. There was no fucking way it would happen. It was not going to fucking happen. I couldn't do it. There was no way I could do it.

Could I?

It was an absurd notion. It was my biggest fear. I couldn't even really believe the inane idea popped into my head at all.

But now that it was there, it was all I could focus on.

When the show first started, I was happy, content to watch from the side while Edward did what he did best. It killed me that he was hurting, that he couldn't just let go. But I had chosen to lead by example and believe him when he said that he just needed some time.

I could never be sad when I was this happy. And when I was with someone as happy as Nessie.

"Mommy! You came!" I was blindsided by the very little person I was searching for after I begrudgingly left Edward to prepare for the show. "What are you doing here? Have you seen Dad? I know he wanted you to come too! This is so exciting. Will you stand with me? Aunt Alice and I claimed a good spot."

Nessie was pointing and laughing and talking a million miles a minute and hugging me. It was quite refreshing after dealing with a pissy, self-loathing Edward. But I would find a way to change that. I always did.

Plus he was about to see him play. I loved seeing him play. It was more of a religious experience then entertainment. It was quite upsetting that the adoration I felt for his music could ever be conceived as me wanting to date a rockstar. It was ridiculous, though I honestly understood why 18-year-old Edward thought such a thing.

I would prefer that I was the sole member of the audience.

"Of course darling," I said, grabbing her hand and looking over her head at my sister who was smiling and waving at me sardonically.

"Just don't say anything, you," I whispered harshly to Alice when we reached her.

She mimed zipping her mouth shut and dramatically threw away the key, causing me to giggle but then Vampire Sunrise went on and I quickly forgot that Alice even existed.

There was a moment, right before he abruptly snapped into on stage mode, when our collective anguish was clearly displayed on his face and I knew then I had to do something. It was my turn to fight.

And then I remembered a seemingly painless way to check a life goal off his bucket list.

If I got on that stage maybe he would finally believe me when I said I loved him. I couldn't think of a bigger way to prove it.

This was all hypothetical of course, there was no fucking way I could go through with such a fucking stupid idea.

But even after dismissing the idea as ludicrous, it kept nagging me throughout the show.

And what a show it was.

Edward had his signature moves that I was sure he was unaware of, all of which were out in full force tonight. He would close his eyes and lean over the microphone. He would bend over his guitar during a solo section. He would flick his head, whipping his damp hair backwards out of his eyes. He was just so glorious.

By the fourth song he would get hot and unbutton his shirt. It would usually be gone by the fifth sending every female in the audience, including myself, in to a sexual tizzy. Part of me always wondered if this was a strategic ploy to bang as many groupies as possible (something we still needed to talk about, though delaying was fine by me) but I doubted it. Edward was far to pragmatic and wrapped up in the music for such games.

Edward had been referred to by many a great as a one of a kind, an intense motherfucking performer and it was no less true tonight then the first time I saw him playing at age 16. He had a way of burdening the audience with everything he was feeling and they gave it right back, glorying in emotions that left everyone shell shocked when all was done.

Though Edward and the boys could no doubt rock, my favorite was when they would slow it down and Edward would sit at the piano or don an acoustic. It was simpler, though no less powerful.

Sometimes it amazed me that Edward had managed to not only survive but flourish in the ruthless industry that privileged money over music, greed over truth, and sex appeal over talent. I knew he must have made sacrifices and compromises over the years, but he never sold his soul. The music never suffered.

This show followed the typical formula. And though there was some variation with every performance, I had never in all my stalker-ish years seen Edward perform with such a soul stirring force.

It was like he was really feeling every lyric, note, phrase. I could relate. I was feeling it too and by the time Edward's shirt was gone (he tossed it over my head between songs) I was sharing his world of hurt.

He was on the opposite side of the stage during the brief time before the encore, and his fingers practically took up a permanent residence in his hair. He kept glancing backwards at his piano while he nodded along to whatever Sam was saying and I wanted so badly to know what he was thinking as the crowd screamed for more.

But I didn't want to know bad enough to actually join him in dumping his emotions all over the stage.

There were so many fucking people out there.

I could not and absolutely would not be doing what I was thinking about doing. Nope. No way in hell.

So many people.

But then Edward was breaking away from the rest of the band and lovingly running his hands over those black and white keys and gently playing the opening keys to one of my all time favorite songs, a song that I would listen over and over and miss Edward desperately and my feet were moving without any instruction from my brain.

Before I could come to my senses and stop this madness, I was under the glaring lights, blinking to bring Edward in to focus again.

Well shit. If I was really going to do this, I couldn't look at all those fucking people out there. So I just looked at Edward, who had yet to had yet to notice me being as his eyes were closed as he sang the opening line.

I vaguely heard Nessie calling me and Alice squeaking in surprise, but I stayed focused on my rockstar. Otherwise, I was convinced I would vomit all over the place.

It had happened before.

After taking the obscenely long stroll to the closest mic, something that I would equate with walking a plank, I turned my body to face Edward, closed my eyes, and attempted to control the color raging on my cheeks.

Breathing deeply as I tried to center myself, I opened my mouth and prayed something coherent would come out.

EPOV

Holy mother of our lord and savior, the sweet baby Jesus.

Best moment of my life. Well, top 5 in the very least.

Goddamn my lady could sing.

I was only two lines in when her voice joined mine.

_I heard there was a secret cord_

_That David played and it pleased the lord… _ I sang.

_But you don't really care for music do you…_ She sang, making up for my voice that faltered at the sound of hers. My figures paused for only a moment in my shock.

_It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth_

_The minor fall and the major lift,_

_The baffled king composing Hallelujah… _Our voices rose and fell in tandem.

_Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah…. Hallelujah…_

_Your faith was strong but you needed proof_

_You saw her bathing on the roof_

_Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you_

_She tied you to a kitchen chair_

_She broke your thrown and she cut your hair_

_And from your lips she drew the Halleujah._

_Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah…. Hallelujah…_

We were staring intently at each other now, completely closed off from the thousands of others watching us, totally enthralled with each other.

Holy fucking shit it was a beautiful moment.

There were times when I would take the lead and she would follow, repeating a line after me only to come together in the last of verse. She was tentative at first, but eventually she seemed to forget about her nerves and she really got in to it, to the point where I was comfortable letting her take the lead, all the while harmonizing like we had done this a zillion times before.

_Baby I've been here before_

_I know this room and I've walked this floor_

_I used to live alone before I knew you_

_I've seen your flag on the marble lodge_

_But Love is not a victory march_

_It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

The emotion was thick between us and it was turning this song into the single most personal and fervent thing I had ever preformed.

_Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah…. Hallelujah…_

_There was a time you let me know_

_What's real and going on below_

_But now you never show that to me do you?_

_And remember when I moved in you_

_And the holy dove was moving too_

_And every breath we drew was Hallelujah_

That phrase was particular hard to sing in harmony Bella because of all the time spent remembering and all the time spent apart. There was so much to remember and not all was good. But it was our combined history and there was no use dwelling. I could feel myself moving into acceptance.

_Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah…. Hallelujah…_

_Maybe there's a God above_

_And all I ever learned from love_

_Was how to shoot at someone who out drew you,_

_But its not a cry you can hear at night, _

_It's not somebody who's seen the light._

_It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah…_

_Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah. _

_Hallelujah… Hallelujah… Hallelujah…. Hallelujah…_

All too soon it was over and tears similar to the ones silently pouring down Bella's bright red cheeks were threatening dampen my own. I beamed at her still a little shell shocked and she smiled back timidity, becoming suddenly aware that the audience had collectively held its breath, recognizing they were witnessing something special and not knowing how to react.

The absolute silence that met the final notes on the piano was a little alarming and I cleared my throat awkwardly into the mic.

"Ladies and gentlemen," I said in a voice far different from my usual cocky cadence. "The wonderful Bella Swan."

I gestured to her and she turned to the crowd wide eyes, giving a jerky little wave.

After another moment of silence, the audience abruptly erupted wild applause and Bella looked a bit like she was going to pass out. Alarmed, I rose from my bench across the stage and reached her in a few quick bounds as the rest of the band came on.

I wrapped her in my arms and babbled some praise in her ear somewhat unconsciously and walked her off the stage. Once I was satisfied that she was safely in the arms of her sister, I forced myself to finish the encore when all I really wanted to do was bury myself in this extraordinary women.

I felt so much better. Like singing the saddest song I knew in front of thousands with the women I love magically purged all the negative right out of me.

We could do it. We could be together. We could make it work.

She must really love me, to face her greatest fear like that with so much determination.

Sam and Seth cracked a couple jokes about lightening up the mood and us getting a room and shit before we played a few of our more popular numbers.

When we were finally fucking done, I ignored the mass of record executive types vying for my attention and marched straight to a still red and a still grinning Bella. Without any verbal prelude I took her face in my hands and gave her what had to be the single most passionate kiss of either of our lives.

I was vaguely aware of people gasping and Nessie clapping and Alice squeaking and cameras flashing, but I didn't give a fuck who saw. I loved this woman.

I felt Bella wrap her arms around my waist and melt into me and I finally had to pull away because another second of that and I would lose all common sense. I didn't know exactly what I would have done but the consequences would have been large.

I mean our daughter was right fucking there.

"Wow," she said, looking as flustered as I felt.

"I know," I replied.

"I want to do that again," she commented.

Always fucking surprising me.

"Really?"

She just nodded and I wanted to express my enthusiasm for that but alas I was technically at work.

But then there were people swarming us and I could hear Emmett booming behind me, demanding my presence for the post show powwow and I was being pulled away by that creepy PA.

"Don't leave," I said, looking between my daughter and my Bella. "I don't know how long I will be but my car is out back."

I was pulled around a corner but I popped my head around, not sure what else I wanted to say just knowing that I wanted to look at them for a millisecond longer.

"Just don't leave," I called before I was pulled away once again.

I was a couple more hours until I was finally free. Between the post band powwow, that was mostly a discussion on how fuck awesome Bella was, and finalizing our busy schedule for the next few days, I was fucking distracted until they dismissed me.

By that time the theater was a ghost town, making it quite easy to find my girls in the dressing room.

Nessie was stretched out on the couch, asleep with her head in Bella's lap and covered in my jacket. Bella was absently running her fingers threw our daughters hair, a habit she had with me as well that I was thrilled was still around, as she glanced at a magazine without really appearing to read. She had a small smile on her face and I hoped she was thinking about me.

She glanced up and upon spotting me her small smile bloomed in to a full and gorgeous one and I knew she was thinking about me.

She was perpetually knocking the wind out of me.

Before she could get any words out to speak I leaned over her and kissed her tenderly.

"Hi," she whispered, a goofy grin on her face.

"Hi," I replied, reverently tracing my fingertips over her smooth face. "You are still here."

Obviously.

"Of course."

"I just thought… Nessie got tired, I thought maybe you would want to get her in bed," I said, hands in my pockets now, shuffling my feet awkwardly.

"You leave tomorrow. We both want to spend as much time as possible with you," she said, gently trying to disentangle herself form the couch without waking our daughter.

Valiantly, I lifted Nessie off the couch. She stirred and murmured 'daddy' before resting her head back on my shoulder and falling back to sleep soundly.

"Let's get out of here, sunshine," I said as I extended my free hand to Bella who once again was staring at me with a weird look on her face. "What?" I asked, feeling self conscious.

"It just…" she sniffed. "It's just so wonderful. To see how the two of you are together."

There it was. The allusive happiness that had been missing from my life since Bella left was making an appearance. Fucking finally.

"Come on," I said, grabbing her hand and pulling her toward the exit as I worked real hard on being a man and not weeping like my mother at every movie ever. "Let me take you home."

BPOV

Edward held my hand all the way to the car.

The current between only served to amplify the rush leftover from being on stage. It was the best thing ever. I had never, ever before felt that specific kind energy. I fucking loved it.

I was fucking terrified of it. But I loved it.

Seeing him hold Nessie was something entirely different, yet it made me feel equally as good done to my bones. Better even.

He released me only for a moment to get Nessie, who was really out for the count, settled in the back of the Volvo while I loitered against the diver side door, feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the goings on of the day.

The sex. The singing.

I really hoped there would be more sex.

Edward moved then, reaching me in several long, predatory strides, taking my face in between his lovely hands and kissing me quite breathlessly causing my brain to completely turn off.

We progressed to make out in the parking lot for only a moment before I thought I would die if he didn't take me somewhere a bit more private. And no, I wasn't being dramatic. I needed him. Real bad.

But then he broke away suddenly, forcing his hands into his pockets and jumping backwards away from me. I blinked in confusion, really not understanding why he had stopped.

"So… umm… I…" He cleared his throat and took a deep breath before continuing. "What are you doing here?"

My head still foggy, I continued to blink at him like a perplexed owl. What did he mean what was I doing here? He had a concert. Of course I was here to see him play. But then I remembered that he had no concept of my tradition and I would like to keep it that way for now.

"Just enjoying the show, rockstar," I smirked, trying to keep it light. I reached for him again, but he evaded me, putting his hands out and closing his eyes as he signaled me to stop. "What?"

"I just— should we— I don't think THAT is the best thing for us to be doing at the moment."

I frowned at him, upset that his desire wasn't as all consuming as mine.

"Aren't you feeling better? Happier?" I asked.

At least he smiled and nodded then. That in and of its self relieved a lot of my worried.

"We should talk Bella, I am leaving tomorrow. And I can't spend the night with you without knowing where we stand exactly. I know that we said we would take it slow and that you will wait for me but I can't be casual with you Bella," he muttered, looking at the ground.

Poor Edward. I had really put him through the ringer these last couple days. I resolved to use his last night in town to make up for all of it.

I reached across the massive distance between us and cradled his jaw in my hand.

"I just want you Bella, every part of you. I want you to be mine again," he said, assuring me of his seriousness with the intensity of his stare. My blooming smile spurred his and we stood there for a moment grinning at each other.

Oh how I loved him.

I was moments away from telling him that I wanted him too when we were interrupted by the appearance of several fans who attended the show, rounded the corner and chatting animatedly with Edward.

Edward, though visibly annoyed to me, fulfilled his duty of the famous, signing autographs and snapping a few pictures before saying his goodbyes and leading me to his car.

"Sorry about that," he said once we were both safely inside and away from his adoring public. "So uhhh… where too? My house, your house… I could always just drop Ness off with you and go if that is what you want. Or you could both come to my place. Whatever you want."

I smiled at his nervous babbling and covered his hand that was resting on the gearshift with mine.

"Yes, I suppose we should talk. Why don't we just go to your place?" I suggested, trying to sound innocent. "If you don't mind letting me crash that is."

He raised an eyebrow and stared the car.

"There will be no seducing your way out of this one Swan," he said as we pulled out of the lot. "We need to have a serious discussion tonight about what the future holds."

"Who me? When have I ever tried to seduce my way out of anything?" I said innocently as my hand traveled down his thigh. I knew we really did have to talk but I couldn't seem to keep my hands from touching him anywhere.

He glared at me but didn't say anything else.

I laughed, really enjoying teasing him and leaned over to kiss his jaw. He smiled at me then and we made the rest of the drive in silence. I was thankful that it was so late and that traffic was at a minimum.

We arrived at his house that I had grown to love in the short amount of time we spent there and I paused to hold the utility room door open as he retrieved Nessie from the car.

I followed Edward as he brought Nessie to her bedroom.

"Why are we here?" Ness said, groggily, finally waking when Edward set her on the bed and I began to unlace her shoes. "I thought I was going with Mom tonight…"

"I am here sweetie," I said quietly, moving to a drawer and removed a soft pair of PJ's. "Do you mind sleeping here tonight?"

"No. I am tired."

"Do you have enough energy to change and brush your teeth?" I asked.

She nodded and stood, letting me pull off her clothes and help her in to her jamies. I walked her to the bathroom and she barely opened her eyes as she half-heartedly brushed.

Edward reappeared with a glass of water and Nessie climbed back into bed.

"Goodnight darling daughter," I whispered, kissing her forehead after she got settled in. "I love you."

"Goodnight mama," she sighted. "See you in the morning."

"Goodnight Nessie," Edward said, mimicking my movements from the opposite side of the bed. "I love you very very much."

"Will I see you again?" she asked suddenly alert, sitting up in bed, eyes wide in fear.

Edward chucked and wrapped his arms around our daughter.

"Tomorrow night," he said, causing me to blink at him in surprise. Last I heard he was booked all day tomorrow and this would be the last we saw of him for weeks. "You and me and your mom have the whole evening to ourselves, ok?"

She nodded into his neck and lay back down, already halfway to dream land.

"Ok. Love you Dad… Mom."

It was the first time in Nessie's living memory that both her parents were present at bedtime.

The thought had tears once again pooling in my eyes and Edward must have felt it to because he grabbed my hand. We stood in silence for a minute before he led me out of the room, quietly closing the door behind us.

"Are you ok?" he asked, flicking a tear of my cheek as he wrapped an arm around me and walked me down the hall to the dimly lit kitchen.

"Yes. I am just so happy," I murmured, hugging him back and kissing his jaw.

"No funny business Isabella," he said sternly. "I mean it when I say no foolin' around."

"Fine. But I bet I could change your mind if I tried real _hard," _I said, really enjoying this teasing.

"You insatiable little she-devil," he grumbled as he motioned for me to enter the kitchen before him. "You will not tempt me. I am strong. Like ox."

I laughed and Edward joined me, filling a teapot and setting it to boil. I was reminded of former post show routines that involved getting really drunk and screwing like bunnies.

I hoped that would still be half true.

"So you want me huh?" I asked from my seat at the counter where I watched him putter around in the kitchen.

He sent me a look that clearly said 'obviously'.

"I want you too," I murmured.

"I think we already established that," he said as he placed mug of spicy tea in front of me, handing me the honey absently. It warmed me up that he remembered the littlest details about me. "I am very serious about making this work Bella. Like I said, I can't be casual with you."

"Edward, really. Do you think that is what I want? Do you really think I am capable of having casual sex with you of all people?" I said, glaring at him, offended by what he was implying. "Last weekend was anything but casual for me. Same with the closet."

I turned bright red, thinking about our collective shameless behavior.

"Me too," he said, smiling crookedly at me. I leaned towards me again and exhaled the breath he had been holding. "Ok," he said, grinning now. "So where does that leave us? You said you don't know how to be with me now."

"I think I am learning," I said, smiling back. "I am not angry anymore. I forgive you. For drinking. For Heidi. For Tanya. I am ready to move on."

He got up and rushed around the corner, pulling me into his arms, "Thank you sunshine. You are a wonderful women and I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I am so thankful that you are back, you are here. "

"Do you forgive me too?" I asked quietly.

"I forgive you for the lying. And more then that, I understand why you did it."

"Thank you," I replied. "But we still need to talk about everything though. I think we need to slowly fill each other in on what happened since we broke up."

"You want me to tell you everything?" he said with apparent skepticism.

"Yes."

"EVERYthing?" he asked again, being generally ridiculous.

"Yes."

"Fine. But you better not leave me when you hear it," he said, trying to make light of his fears. "It's not pretty Bella. I am not a good person when I am not with you."

"First of all, I don't believe that for a minute. And secondly, the same goes for me. I am not proud of all of my past either."

"I don't want to leave you," he said into my hair.

"I don't want you to leave either," I replied. "If you wanted to call Garrett and quit the band I wouldn't lie to you this time."

He snorted and I smiled.

"I think it is a little late for that. I have matured Bella. I know my responsibilities and I honor my commitments. I am just going to miss you and Ness so much."

I nodded into his shoulder, still frowning at the thought of his hasty departure and what it would mean for our future.

"I don't want to be with anyone else. And if you are willing to wait for me, well, maybe we can be us again. For real," he suggested.

"I don't want to be with anyone either," I replied. "Just you. Always you."

I snuggled closer to him and just relished that he was back, that he was mine again.

"Edward?" I asked after a moment of silence.

"Yes sunshine?" he said, pulling back to look at my face in awe obviously feeling all the things I was feeling.

"Does this taking it slow thing mean no more sex?"

I was ridiculously nervous for his answer. I was thoroughly planning on keeping him up all night. But if he thought we should wait, then we would. It seemed fucking stupid to me after want happened last weekend and in that dark, enclosed space, but I would do pretty much anything to show him how serious I was.

"If you want it to mean that," he said cautiously.

"Oh no," I squeaked quickly. "I think I will die right here if I can't have you again at least 3 times before you leave tomorrow."

He kissed me then and it was unhurried and tender and just perfect. Languidly, we breathed life into each other again. Our quite kissing slowly gained heat until he slightly lifted me, wrapping my legs around his waist as he carried me to his bedroom.

Our lovemaking was slow and sweet and really gave me hope that we could work it all out. I was so happy, happier then I could ever remember being, but it the back of my mind I worried that it wouldn't last. We had so much to overcome, but we were taking it slow.

So I closed my eyes and just let myself feel this utter contentment. I cuddled deeper into his neck as I smiled to myself in shock. It was hard to believe, but after all this time, here I was with Edward.

I was so thankful for this second chance and I resolved to do everything in my power not to blow it.

EPOV

"I wish I had a camera," Bella said, smiling up at me.

"What? Why?" My brain wasn't really working all that well and her words weren't what I was expecting to hear.

Though, everything she said today wasn't what I was expecting to hear.

She wanted to work things out. She wanted to try to be together, with me. She was sorry. She forgave me. Goddamn I loved her. And I knew it would be a pretty big goddamn challenge. The horrible manner with which we broke up allowed for zero closure so there was bound to be problems. Now that the truth was coming out, it became pretty clear that both Bella and I were shit at communicating. Hopeful that would change with our newfound collective maturity (most of the time).

I honestly didn't see how she could ever forgive me. I hoped I was good enough to make her love me, now.

"That look on your face Edward Cullen. I have never seen that look before."

"This is shock Isabella. Awe. And joy, and contentment. I just can't believe you are here." I pulled her closer, if that was even possible, and stroked her face. "And holy fuck you sang with me. Goddamn, I can't believe that happened either. You are always surprising me sunshine."

"I surprised myself," she said quietly.

"Do you really want to do that again?" I said hopefully, hands tightening on her hips.

She nodded, looking shy and lovely.

We sat quietly for a few moments before I remembered another adjective to describe my mood.

"Oh, and satisfaction. Fuck that was amazing."

"You are better. If that is even possible," she commented, blushing furiously. "Not that I want to think about how you refined those love making skills."

"Yeah, well, likewise," I basically growled thinking about Jacob Black.

"Nothing and nobody has ever made me feel how you make me feel Edward," she assured me. "You are my other half. I am just not right without you."

I soaked up her words, feeling my heart swell

"Why did it take us so long to figure that out?" I asked, a bit confused at how we could go eight years without this revelation.

"We were young and stupid and hurt."

"And I am an alcoholic."

"Recovering," she pointed out. "I would never have let you have partial custody if I didn't trust you."

"I know, and I am so glad you did. You could have kept Nessie from me if you wanted. I mean you certainly had enough reason to turn into a women scorned. What with the whole Heidi thing." I felt Bella stiffen in my arms and cursed myself for being such a fuck head and bringing that up tonight. Even though she had forgiven me, we had yet to discuss the gory details.

"I don't want to talk about that yet Edward," she said. "Taking it slow, remember? And I would never have kept you and Ness apart out of revenge, I don't work that way. Plus, a girl needs her daddy."

"Yea well, I need her too."

"I like that we are all here, together under the same roof," she replied.

"Me too, I like that very much." I contemplated asking her to move in on the spot but it would have been weird timing what with me not being here for the next 6 months.

"Humm…" she mumbled into my chest, her voice heavy with sleep.

"I love you Bella," I told her as she drifted.

"I know," she sighed. "I love you too."

I still wasn't used to hearing it. I didn't know how long they would cause me to feel like I was having a heart attack (the good kind) but I believed her.

Ah progress.

It was with much regret that I got out of bed in the morning. Not only was I completely physically and emotionally spend from all the goings on of the last couple, overly dramatic days, but leaving Bella always made me feel like shit. I carefully disentangled myself from my sleeping love and already lamented the loss of contact.

These few inches of space separating us was already too painful, but soon there would be a country keeping us apart.

At least we were on the same page now. She was mine again, or well on her way to being so. And I loved her, so much that it hurt.

But she was here, she broke up with her fucking boyfriend. She wanted to be here with me. To try again.

I was deliriously happy, but part of me was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I suppose over the years I developed a rather pessimistic attitude, but about this I was going to have faith.

So we would take it slow. I would call her and Nessie every day, fly back as often as I could when I had a couple of days off, and pray that by the time I was back in October, I could convince her to move in with me, marry me, commit herself to me forever and always.

This women and the things she did it me.

Holy fuck, she was back. It didn't seem possible but there she was. While I moved silently about the room (already I started thinking about it as our room in my head) I kept glancing over at the bed, making sure she was really here and that I hadn't imagined her up.

And she was. She was really fucking here. Just like Nessie was really just down the fucking hall. It was mind blowingly wonderful. We were a family again. Basically.

Last night I had given up any and all fucking hope that I would see her again before I left. She was out of reach all goddamn week and it was driving me a bit crazy. Though to be fair I hadn't reached out to her either. Now I was kicking myself for being such a goddamn baby. I had wasted so much time with her and now I was fucking leaving.

I was so close to losing her.

There was no fucking way I could have survived that. Again.

I got dressed and kissed her temple quickly, leaving a scrawled note on the pillow next to her head. I was in the process of rearranging my packed schedule to make time for a dinner with Bella and Nessie before I bid adieu to Cali. I just wasn't ready to say goodbye to them yet.

Goddamn she was beautiful.

Stupid, fucking, badly timed tour.

Most begrudgingly I left sleeping beauty in my (our) bed, wishing more then anything I didn't have to answer the call of duty.

BPOV

I was surrounded by the smell of Edward and it had me beaming before I even opened my eyes.

He made me so happy, made feel so loved.

Everything was perfect. Minus the fact that he was leaving. And all that we still had to discuss.

But besides all THAT, perfection.

I stretched languidly and yawned, knowing that Edward would be gone but wishing that somehow I was wrong. But I wasn't. Instead of coming into contact with a warm, sexy, Edward body, my hand closed around a crunchy piece of paper.

Eyes still adjusting to the light, I squinted at the note.

_Good morning sunshine!_

_Can I just say wow? Wow. I love you. Old Bella, new Bella, whatever version. _

_Anyhoo. I know I told you that I wouldn't be around at all today but I am just not ready to say goodbye to you quite yet. Or Nessie. _

_Care to join me for dinner? _

_I will call you when I get done with all this bureaucratic crap. _

_It goes without saying that you should make yourself at home. Eat something, drink something. I hope that you are not stranded. Did you leave your car downtown?_

_Again, let me say wow. _

_Did I mention that you are amazing and that I love you?_

_Oh, well you are amazing and I love you. _

_A lot. _

_-Your reluctant rockstar_

I giggled and squealed a little bit and did a little victory roll/dance thing, overjoyed that I would be seeing him again. If the tone of his note was any indication, Edward was feeling just a giddy as I was.

He was right though, I was stranded. Calling my big sister for a ride was not really something that I was looking foreword to, but last night was well worth anything I would say.

I was thankful that I had the foresight to put on one of Edward's t-shirts when the bedroom door slammed open a few minutes later.

"Oh my GOD!" Nessie squealed when she spotted me in bed, charging forward and quickly joining me underneath the covers. "Did all that really happen?" she said into my shoulder, looking up at me bashfully. "It kinda feels like I dreamed it."

"Dreamed what, honey?" I said, smoothing her bed head and kissing her bronze dome occasionally.

"Did you really sing? Oh I hope so, Mom, it was so pretty it made Aunt Alice cry a little. Did Dad really kiss you? It was so romantic! I told you he loved you. Did we really sleep here all together? Where is Dad? He didn't already leave did her," she said, going from thrilled to panicked in a matter of seconds. "I don't remember saying goodbye! Mom, I need to say goodbye."

"Woah, slow down kid. It is real early. Yes, all that did really happen and thank you, I hope we really sounded ok. Yes he really did kiss me and I kissed him back because we love each other. And Dad is working today but we should see him this afternoon before his flight takes off tonight. Wow, what a mouth full," I said sighing and rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "How about some breakfast?"

She laughed and hugged me. "Ok Mommy, let's eat!"

A quest to the bathroom and a grand search for some pants later, and we were standing in front of a very empty fridge.

"Right," I said, studying the pickle, ketchup, and tea that made up the sole contents of Edward's huge, stainless steel fridge. "He is leaving tonight and probably got rid of all his food."

Nessie snorted and crossed her arms over her chest. "This is how it always looks. He can't feed either of us!"

"Well, some things never change I suppose. I guess we will just have to go home," I said, frowning at the thought. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to stay here. Forever.

"I don't want to go home. I wanted to go swimming," Nessie exclaimed, gesturing toward the rather appealing pool that was glistening on the otherside of the large bay windows.

"We have to eat," I pointed out, quite logically. I skipped dinner last night, knowing that anything would have exasperated the queasy stomach situation that resulted form the prospect of fighting for Edward. All I had eaten the day before was a banana and some yogurt.

And I partook in a good amount of sex since then.

"But I want to go swimming," she insisted pouting.

We continued this debate as Edward's home line rang. Though I wasn't nosey enough to actually answer the thing, I listen with rapt attention as the answering machine clicked on in order to get even a little more insight into his new life.

A very familiar voice interrupted my musings.

"Isabella Marie Swan," my sister scolded. "You are there aren't you? Pick up the phone right this minute. Never have I encountered someone so bad at answering their cell. Have you not arisen form the bat cave yet? Do you have any idea what time it is or are you just so blissed out from your crazy night of s—"

"Alice!" I said as I answered the phone, horrified. Nessie and I recently had a terse, awkward, and factual birds and the bees conversation and I didn't really want to deal with that can of worms at the moment. "I am awake, hungry and standing next to your niece. You know the one. She is ten, penny colored hair, eyes that get her whatever she wants? Perhaps you remember."

Nessie rolled her eyes and bolted from the room, suddenly inspired to do something that would probably not help feed us.

"Sorry, sorry, calm down," she said with trumped up annoyance. "It got you to answer the phone didn't it?"

"I would have answered without you resorting to such inappropriate tactics," I scolded.

"Don't be mad, I am pregnant!" she exclaimed.

It was quickly becoming one of my least favorite and commonly heard phrases.

"I am not mad. I am hungry and stranded," I said, seriously and unfortunately contemplating the shriveled looking pickle out of desperation.

"Fear not! Your big sister shall save the day!"

As usual.

"Hey, bring me a swim suit too, will yah?" I asked at the last moment as I watched Nessie sneak out the patio door on the other side of the house before she sprinted to the pool and did a cannon ball right in the center.

It looked like fun.

Everything looked like thing in this new, Edward filled world.

"Jasper, for the love of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" I said through a mouth of bagel. My second of the morning mind you. "Will you please stop glaring at me?"

He snorted, lowered his aviator's to his eyes, and turned his head to glare out at the ocean instead. We were seated together in our swimsuits in the shade of Edward's covered porch, watching Alice and Nessie snack and sunbathe of the other side of the pool.

He had arrived, dozen of bagels in hand, an hour ago and had yet to do anything but glare.

Poor, brotherly Jazz.

"Want to split this chocolate chip with me?" I said, obnoxiously scooting my chair as close to his as possible and waving the delicious breakfast treat under his nose while he struggled to ignore me. "Come one," I coaxed. "I know it is your favorite… Come on Jazzy, I know you want it."

After a few more painful moments of this, he finally cracked and grabbed the bagel and smoothly ripping it in half, tossing the somewhat smaller portion in my lap. He halfheartedly saluted me, bagel in hand, before he went back to the glaring into the distance.

I sighed dramatically.

"Jasper. I am really sorry," I said quietly, suddenly fascinated by my nail beds.

"What for?" he asked, heavy on the twang, indicating his irritation.

"For dragging you into all this, for ruining your friendship with Edward."

"That is horse shit Bells," he said, borderline incomprehensively. "None of it was your fault. We have been looking out for each our whole lives."

"I am never the one taking care of you," I grumbled.

"Yeah, well, you get in more trouble then I do," he replied, calming slightly.

"Jasper, I hope you understand where I am coming from here. You can't be mad at me about Edward forever."

Now he was the one sighing dramatically, shoulders sagging and everything as he turned his body to face mine.

"I ain't mad. I am concerned. I don't trust him and I don't trust you when you are around him. Exactly a week ago you were calling me in hysterics and I was literally throwing him out of your house and now we are here, eating bon bons at the mother fuckers house?"

"Shush Jazz," I said, interrupting him as his voice got loud enough that there was a very real danger of Nessie hearing.

"Sorry. But can you please explain that?"

"I should never have called you last week Jazz," I started and much to my dismay, he looked hurt.

"You can always call me Bella, I thought you knew that," he said.

"Of course I know that, that is not what I meant at all. Calling you was a cop out. I was running away, again, instead of dealing. I am sorry I involved you and made things worse between you and Edward," I continued.

As much as I dreaded having this conversation with Jasper, I saw it as merely a warm up to face the man in my life who was most against Edward. I shuddered at the thought of telling Charlie.

"Edward and I haven't been friends for awhile. I don't know how Alice does it… after everything he did to you," he murmured, looking fondly at the love of his life.

"Yeah… he wasn't very good to me back then. But I hurt him too Jazz. And again, I called you into a situation that you didn't really understand and all your protective, big brother instincts tweaked out," I said, closing my eyes and working to get back the happy.

Jazz was killing my buzz.

"Edward didn't technically cheat on me Jazz. I had left him a couple days before that to keep him from quiting the band. It was stupid and fucked up, on both our parts but you cant hate him. We both made mistakes."

"I guess…" Jasper finally admitted.

"I am so happy Jasper. I have lived, as half a person, all these years without my Alice. Please, just be happy for me. And try and be happy for Edward. He is going to be around now."

I couldn't even say his name without beaming.

"I will try," he finally consented. "But he fucks ups again I reserve the right to kill him."

I just patted his hand in thanks and we both went back to staring at the people we loved lounge against the backdrop of the sea.

EPOV

My house was alive.

Familiar cars were parked in the driveway, I could hear music pumping through the walls, and there was the smell of grilled meat in the air.

It was fucking weird.

I was more used to silence, darkness, and the sterile air of a home that isn't really lived in. I had come to expect empty garages and a lack of emotion.

This was much preferable.

Wide eyed, I cautiously entered the house that no longer felt like my house, half expecting to come across strangers with real lives. I moved passed the extra shoes sitting haphazardly next to my door and the random assortment of foodstuffs for an early dinner in the kitchen until I slowly opened the back door.

I saw Bella first. I always see Bella first. She was standing on the top step of the pool, squealing and shuttering away from our daughter and her sister who were splashing her. They were interrupting her easing and the thought made me grin. Emmett was maning the grill and was flipping out more burgers then I thought was necessary. He had his free arm around Rosalie and she was staring at him with a reverence that I had seen on Bella's face as well.

When she was looking at me, that is.

Off to the side I was surprised to see Carlisle absorbed in a game of chess with Jasper. My former best friend had his eyes fixed on me and I was not, however, surprised to see the glare there.

It was all too fucking wonderful and my chest hurt with the gratitude of having it all back.

I went back to looking at Bella who was up to her thighs now and thanked every deity I could think of that she was back. Never again would I lose sight of what was important, never again would I lose her.

I jumped about 15 goddamn feet in the air when someone touched my shoulder on the side of me that was still in my newly awakened house.

"Darling," sniffed Esme when I turned around.

Every time she saw me in the months leading up to the departure of her sons, Esme would openly weep. It was fucking horrible and I never did know what to do about it. But this time was different. This time she seemed happy.

I stepped back inside and pulled her sobbing frame to my chest, thinking that it had been far to long since I hugged my mother.

"Aw come on Ma," I said with fake irritation. "Don't go getting all mushy on me."

And Esme was mush. The strongest, sometimes scariest women I knew, but still mush. I really fucking lucked out in the parents department. And the lover department. And the child department. And the friends department.

I needed to spend less time brooding and more time just being fucking thankful.

"Oh Edward…You and Bella… finally! And now you are leaving… Nessie's parents… I AM JUST SO HAPPY!" she exclaimed.

"Me too Mom," I said, patting her head somewhat awkwardly. "Me too."

"How? I mean it was so obvious to everyone but I was really beginning to think that you would never get your act together," she laughed.

"I don't even totally know myself. But we are just taking it slow, trying to work things out…"

Esme just gave me one of her looks and I grinned back sheepishly.

"Oh who the fuck am I kidding," I laughed back. "I am fucking crazy in love with her, ready to get down on one goddamn knee already. I am just scared I will fuck it up. I need to be better for her this time."

"You will sweetheart," she said, patting my shoulder reassuringly. "You have been spotted."

I glanced through the large glass windows to see Bella staring at me with that secret little smile on her face. She had made no progress with her easing, stepping back up to the top step instead to better look at me.

And to give me a better view of her and a striking to small for anyone to see her in but me bikini.

"Excuse me," I said, stepping around my mother and never taking my eyes off the sex goddess who was staring at me with equal intensity. I kicked off my shoes and joined her on the top step.

"Sunshine," I said, reaching out to fiddle with the little pearl earring in her lobe.

"Rockstar," she replied, touching my chest.

"Dad!" Nessie squeaked, seeing me with the rest of our family for the first time ever and making my heart hurt again. "Make Mom get in the water."

I snorted. Like I could make Bella do anything.

"Nessie," Bella said with waning patients. "I will get in. I am easing."

"That is stupid," replied our daughter.

"It is not stupid." For a moment I thought Bella was on the verge of stomping her foot, acting more our daughters age then her own.

"It is stupid," Alice chimed in, giving me that evil pixie grin.

"It is not," my beloved said again.

There was a chorus of 'its stupids' from behind us and Bella ha-rumped.

And then I laughed. Full on, gut wrenching, unable to breathing, laughed. My eyes watered, I threw my head back and I laughed. I never laughed. It was pretty fucking great.

"You too, Edward?" Bella said pouting in the same way our daughter did causing me to just laugh some more.

Suddenly she smirked and it was a little terrifying.

"What?" I said when I was finally able to get air in my lungs again.

"If I am going in," she said, hands sliding up my chest. "Then you are going in."

"No! Bella! That is a very expensive shirt!" Alice said from the shallow end of the pool.

"Yea sunshine," I said, attempting to remove her hands that tightened around my neck. "I am all dressed and shit."

"I say you soak him," yelled Rosalie. Always helpful that one.

"Yea Mom," Nessie called. "Push him in! You can do it."

I highly doubted that. Bella was quite tiny and as she struggled to move me, I smirked in superiority. Until she simultaneously nipped at my ear with her teeth and pushed off the wall with her feet. We fell together into the water a tangled mess of limbs.

I surfaced quickly, sputtering, to the laughter of my family.

I dunked Bella again after she surfaced a moment later and pretended to scowl when in reality I couldn't recall being this happy or having this much fun in the better part of a decade.

"Dad!" Nessie said, swimming over to me and wrapping her arms around my neck to keep her head about the water. "Your clothes are all wet. It is funny."

"Oh funny," I said, pulling my soaked t-shirt over my head and threw it at her. "You think this is funny?'

She threw the shirt back at me, still laughing.

"I will show you funny," I said as menacingly as I could given my current state of elation.

She squeaked and tried to swim away from me, but I grabbed her little foot, pulling her back to me before throwing her across the pool with my hands under her armpits.

Of course she demanded that I do it again and again. I was more then happy to oblige.

But eventually Nessie got bored and Emmett finished the first round of burgers and everyone vacated the pool to gather around the patio table that Esme picked out with the rest of my furniture when I moved in. Bella and I were left alone in the pool.

I had fond fucking memories of Bella in that pool. Literary.

"Hi," I said, swimming over to where she had camped out on a ledge in the deep end. She had tied her hair up in a messy, wet bun and her expressive eyes were obscured by dark glasses.

"Hi," she replied, moving to face me in my lap and tilting her face to the sun. "I hope you are ok with all this. I know you wanted to spend some alone time with Ness and I before you left but it just sort of happened."

"It's not a problem. I have missed all this. I forgot what it was like," I said quietly as Elizabeth joined the mealy, dispensing hugs.

"I am sorry," she said, tracing my jaw. "I feel so selfish, like I bogarted our family."

Hummm, OUR family. That was nice.

"It wasn't like that. I didn't want to see them," I explained, running my hands up and down her thighs and driving us both a bit crazy. "You were better at it then me."

"Better at what?" she asked as her pushed her sunglasses up her forehead to rest on the top of her head.

"At being apart. You were always the strong one. I became an emotional and sometimes physical hermit." Bella looked sad and I regretted saying anything. "How did all these people end up here anyway?"

"Well, I was stranded and you have nothing edible in your house so Alice and Jasper brought bagels. Rose followed shortly after, claiming intense boredom. Apparently she and Emmett reconciled at my house last night, something I don't want to think about. And now I am going to have power scrub every surface. Esme and Carlisle just kind of popped in, bearing more food. I think your mom has some sort of sixth sense. Are you sure this is ok? Because we might be able to get them to leave. Maybe."

"Bella," I said, kissing her quickly. "It is wonderful. Relax. We will kick them out after dinner, ok? The car isn't picking me up until 11 tonight."

She frowned and I thought she was going to cry so I kissed her again, pleased that I could do it whenever the fuck I wanted.

"HEY!" Emmett interrupted. "You two lovebirds get your skinny asses over here. Rosalie and I have an announcement. HOP TO IT!"

Bella and I stood, grabbing some food as we made our way to the table. Bella took the only available seat next to Nessie who I picked up and sat on my lap before gesturing for Emmett to commence with the announcing.

I had a pretty goddamn good idea what it would be.

"Settle, settle," Emmett said, brandishing his arms and trying to get everyone to stop chattering. And eventually Jasper stopped talking to Alice's sill flat belly and Carlisle stopped making googly eyes at Esme and I stopped tickling Ness and we all gave Emmett our undivided attention.

"As some of you may know, I have been begging this women for years to be my wife," Emmett said gesturing to Rosalie who rolled her eyes, causing both Esme and Elizabeth to squeal for a moment. "And finally, after much deliberation, she has agreed to marry me."

Everyone pretty much freaked the fuck out after that.

There was yelling and laughing and screaming and crying and hugs all the round.

"Well done bro," I said, clapping Emmett on the back when I finally worked my way over to him. "Knew you would figure that shit out somehow."

"Yeah, well, likewise," he said, waggling his dark brows in Bella's general direction. "How the fuck and when the fuck did that happen?"

I just shrugged, not even really knowing the answer to that question. Last night? Last Wednesday? Last weekend? Years and years ago?

I had certainly been pining for her long enough.

"What happened with Rose? Last I heard you didn't even know where she was staying," I replied, watching the women folk squeal over Rose's ring.

"Yea well, thanks for that bro," he said, slinging his arm around my shoulders. "Last night I went over there, half drunk," he ducked his head in shame and I rolled my eyes. "There was yelling, Rose, and crying, me, but finally we calmed down and had a real goddamn conversation. Apparently Rosalie had herself convinced that I needed to be free to sew my wild oats or some shit."

"What the fuck?" Seriously, most of the time I had no idea what the two of them were talking about.

"She can't have kids man," he whispered as Alice launched into wedding planning mode. "She wanted me to be free to bail to have babies with someone else. I mean what the fuck? Chicks, man."

"Emmett!" Alice called, drawing us back into conversation with the rest of the family. "When are you going to have the wedding?"

"Uhhh…" he said, glancing at Rose in a very manly way. "Soon? We don't need anything fancy, probably just go to the courthouse or something. Something quick."

I snorted. Had Emmett met his fiancé?

"Aw hell no," replied Rose. "We are having a big wedding."

"What! Rose! You didn't even want to get married," said a bemused Emmett.

"if I going to do it, I am going to do it big," she explained to the delighted squeals of Ness, Esme, Elizabeth, and loudest of all Alice.

"Dibbs planning it!" she exclaimed.

Bella and I exchanged secret smiles as the rest of the family continued to freak the fuck out. I grabbed her hand under the table and wondered how soon was to soon to marry her.

"I don't know how she is doing it," Bella said absently as she relaxed with her feet backing the pool. "I am so full I doubt I will ever move again."

She dramatically flopped backwards onto the deck with a hand over her forehead.

The masses all cleared out in one loud swoop sometime around seven after tearful goodbyes and ecstatic congratulation. And as happy as I was to spend the afternoon with all the people I loved, I was thrilled to have these last few hours alone with my girls.

Mine.

"Mom! The water feels so good, I like swimming at night. Plus I need to practice, I think I want to join the swim team," Nessie said as she splashed around at the far end of the pool.

"That sounds like a lovely idea kid," commented Bella. "But how are you planning on fitting this in with music lessons, youth ensemble, drawing class, student newspaper, student government…"

Bella was ticking off Nessie's commitments on her hand.

"I will figure it out, do not worry. I like to be busy," she said before she plunged beneath the surface again.

"Yes, I am aware," Bella grumbled under her breath. "It keeps me busy too."

Though dinner was fantastic and I couldn't be happier with all the time I had spent with Nessie and Bella the last couple of weeks, my mood was deteriorating a long with the minutes. A car would be coming to get me at 11:00 for the flight to New York.

I sighed, really not wanting to leave.

I was so fucking happy just doing these things that nice normal families did. Nice normal dinners and just hanging out. Nice. And normally.

But normal people didn't have to go on fucking tours and deal with fucking press junkets.

I really fucking hated being goddamn famous.

Plus I was worried that I would lose Bella again before really getting her back for real again. What if she went back to Jacob Black? What if she changed her mind? What if she didn't wait for me? What if—

"Edward," Bella said to me quietly as she sat up and took her hand in mine. "Stop that."

"Stop what?" I said, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Getting lost in your head. I know that you have grown up a lot in recent years," she continued, whipping her finger tips across my forehead. "But this over thinking thing is just the same."

"I just don't want to leave," I admitted holding her hand lightly in my lap as she kicked her feet in the water.

"We don't want you to leave either. But just remember that we will be right here waiting for you when you get back."

She always knew just what to say when I was upset.

Eventually, Nessie got cold and pruny so we wandered back inside. Nessie got all changed and I thought that they would leave, but apparently they wanted to stick it out to the last minute. Nessie (with a subtlety she must have learned from Alice) put on a DVD of Beauty and the Beast and snuggled in next to me. I put my arm around her and motioned for Bella to scoot closer to my other side.

Nessie quickly fell asleep in my lap and Bella cuddled into the nook of my arm.

"You can stay here tonight," I whispered as Bell and the Beast continued their tumultuous love affair. "And then just drive my car back to your house in the morning."

"I wouldn't want to impose," she murmured as she absently traced patterns on my chest.

"You are completely ridiculous. You are welcome here any time, even if I am gone. Nessie has a key and the codes," I said, scoffing at her.

"Really Edward, you don't have too—"

"I want too," I insisted. "Nessie will want to use the pool or the beach or whatever. You are welcome to hang out here, sleep here, move in here…"

"Edward," she admonished. "Taking it slow, remember?"

"Right. Yes, slow. Just keep it in mind, as a possibility or whatever," I replied, knowing it was to fast but wanting it anyway.

The movie flickered off and I carried Nessie into bed, kissing her forehead and whispering 'I love you'. Still with more then enough time before the car would arrive, I then carried Bella off to my (our) bed and spend our remaining hours together showing her just how I felt.

The whole evening was surreal and wonderful and made it a whole lot fucking harder to leave when the limo pulled up at exactly 11:02.


	23. Chapter 23

Now

BPOV

Edward was gone. And it was hard as it was every time. Harder even.

It had been 3 weeks since Edward departed and just like he promised, he called me every day. Sometimes multiple times a day for the sole reason of getting to know me again. Well, I also suspected he liked to hear my voice but whatever the reason I was not complaining.

I really loved him so.

Mostly it was good. Hard. But good. Just being able to talk to him, to confide in him, to tell him about my day was such a relief and I could feel us healing. We would talk and talk about now, about then, about the seemingly indomitable chunk of time we were apart. We laughed and cried and I felt lighter.

But the distance was still hard. We missed each other.

Plus we were out and proud now. The family knew. Nessie knew. Charlie knew. And Edward's adoring public knew. Sort of.

That was the most difficult, having the news of our very private reconciliation being discussed in such a public arena. Somewhere along the line, I forgot that Edward was famous. He had masses of adoring fans that felt a piece of him belonged to them.

They were wrong. He just belonged to me, but they didn't really get that. And only two days after he left for New York, the shit really hit the fan and everyone wanted to claim that piece of him. And me, by extension.

"What are you doing right this minute?" he asked in earnest. It was the fifth time I had talked to him in the 48 hours since I was left alone in his bed.

"Working," I giggled back. "What do you think I am doing? It is the middle of the day on a Tuesday. Where else would I be?"

"No, but specifically. With details. I can't picture you as some big wig record exec being as you are nothing like the assholes I have come into contact with. Are you in a big fancy office? What is your view like? Who is your favorite artist that you have signed this year?"

"My, aren't we chatty today," I said as I reclined in my chair, still getting used to having him so far away. It was my lunch break after all, no need to feel guilty for talking to my… boyfriend? Former fiancé? Love of my life? My person? Yes, I settled on person. It made the most sense at that point.

"I am so bored. I have been talking about myself for the last two days and I am sick of this album promotion crap," he wined. "It has been interviews and TV appearances and blah, blah, fucking blah."

"Well then," I continued as I pictured Edward glaring out the window of a corporate high rise similar to the one that housed the Swan offices. "To answer your questions, yes my office is huge, my view is of the city, and I don't have a favorite but I am partial to these banjo playing Irish punk rockers who don't sound like they would be good but actually are."

"Do you like your job?" he asked.

"Well, I am really good at it," I said without much thought.

"That is not what I asked you sunshine," he pressed. "Do you like it?"

I had never really thought about it before. I loved the independence, I loved providing for myself and my daughter, and I loved that my dad had trusted me with so much responsibility. I loved the rare moments when I discovered and fought to sign something unique and inspiring. I loved that I was putting a little quality into the music industry that had a habit of shoveling out mass produced shit.

But did I love the day to day grind, the time it took me away from my daughter, the commitments where I was supposed to schmooze with fellow big wig executives at lavish events and cater to whiny recording artists? Or the worst, when corporate crap forced me to compromise my own artistic values and actually produce part of that radio friendly shit?

Nope. All that I could do without.

I was just about to share my mixed feelings with Edward when my father stormed in, cheeks red, eyes blazing.

I immediately tensed, pulled my feet off my desk, sat straight in my chair, and attempted to locate my discarded heels with my feet.

Charlie was woefully uninformed about my recent dalliance with Edward and my father would not be pleased. Charlie's hate for Edward had multiplied exponentially over the years and he probably wouldn't even condone communication between the two of us. Charlie had been livid when I let Edward back into Nessie's life all those years and to be honest we hadn't really talked about my daughter's daddy since then.

And I planned on telling him, especially after the whole family had seen us together the day before. Talking was their favorite activity and Kathleen would know any moment.

But the press had done my dirty work for me.

"Just hold on one second," I said into my phone before turning to my dad. Calming the Chief was one of my most important jobs at the company. "What's up Dad?"

Charlie, never one for words, simply slapped the stack of glossy gossip rags on my desk and turned right back around, walking out of my office at a furious pace.

'That was weird."

"What was weird?" Edward asked.

"Charlie just stalked in here and—" I cut off abruptly when I turned the first magazine over and saw a huge picture of Edward and Tanya with a split down the middle, resembling what an earthquake looked like in my head. In the center of the two was my own face. I was at some industry event, obviously bored but I just looked smug.

"Oh shit."

"What? Shit what? Come on Bella I am dying of curiosity here."

"Cavorting with the enemy," I read headline. "Cheating, lies, and competition, how Edward left Tanya heartbroken and alone for the young talent at an opposing record company."

"Oh shit," he replied.

"Yeah. Hey they called me young though," I said, a bit in shock. I had never been a target of the tabs like this before. Yes, publicity was a huge part of my job, but this was different. This was my personal business on display for the whole country. "I kind of don't want to open it."

"Oh shit."

"Right you are Edward, I should really open it."

Figuring it was better to fight a known enemy, I flipped to the story, our story, that made the cover. The article itself wasn't bad. They didn't have anything right and made me out to be some over eager new executive, only holding the job because I was daddy's little girl, that was attempting to get Vampire Sunrise to sign with Swan, stealing Tanya's man in the process.

Honestly, I preferred these blatant lies to the truth. They weren't even close, so I was able to separate myself from the whole thing.

The pictures, on the other hand, made me downright ill.

"Edward, there are pictures," I murmured. "Lots of pictures. Of us, Saturday night after your show in the parking lot by your car."

"Oh shit."

It was a pity that these pictures were being displayed in such a trashy location. They were quite nice. There was a series of five going across the bottom of the page.

The first was us, walking hand in hand. Edward, Ness in his arms. We wore matching goofy grins.

In the next, only my face was visible as Edward's body was obscuring mine as he pressed me into his car.

The sneaky photographer must have gotten closer at that point because the angle changed and the third photo was zoomed in on our faces. His hands were on either side of my face and we were staring at each other with an intensity that surprised even me.

In the next one, Edward hand is hands up, an obvious warning for me not to touch him while I gave him the death glare. And damn, we both looked livid. Like we hated each other.

How did a camera manage to capture something so completely false?

And the crowning jewel they saved for last. We were kissing far too passionately for polite company. The caption made sure to point out that Edward's daughter was mere feet away, asleep in the car.

"Ok. This is going to be ok. We can deal with this Edward," I said as I tossed the piece of trash aside.

I was just thankful that they had everything wrong. And that their collective menace was aimed at Edward and me, not our daughter.

Unfortunately that was not the worst of it.

The next was far too accurate and included pictures of me, haphazardly dressed, yelling at Edward as he rolled along in the Volvo. It had only been a week or so ago that Tanya had stumbled upon me in his bed. It felt like forever. This one had contained the basics of our past and unveiled me as Nessie's mother.

I continued to peruse as Edward continued to say 'Oh Shit,' and I realized that we had been incredibly naive and just plain stupid. We had both been in the industry long enough, we both knew better.

Edward had always dodged media attention rather successfully. His unwillingness to talk to the press garnered a mystery that amplified his rock star cool. That carefully sewed allusiveness was effectively destroyed the moment he agreed to date such a high caliber starlet.

Fucking Tanya Denali.

"This is all your fault you know," I said, desperately trying to keep it light.

"Yes, I am aware. I am the fucking famous one. Though technically you made me." I only had half his attention and I could hear him roaming the halls, asking random people if they had seen his manager/agent.

"Made you?" I said, indignant. "Made you?"

"Yeah. You wanted me too. I always give you just what you want. You have me ever so wrapped."

"I only wanted you to live your life's dream," I yelled back, momentarily distracted from the very big problem regarding this cluster fuck with the press. "Do you remember what you told me on our very first unofficial date?"

"Um… That the anticipation of death was worse than death itself?" he ventured.

"You told me that you wanted to be a rock star when you grew up," I reminded him.

"Oh right. That."

"Yes that. You told me it was your dream ever since you were a wee child!" This man was exasperating.

"Well," he said, sounding thoughtful. "I suppose it changed."

Dear God, what in the fuck was I going to have to give up next so he could achieve his latest life dream.

"To what, pray tell?" I demanded.

"To just being with you," he sighed. And just like that I lost all of my steam.

God I loved this man. Dealing with the press and the distance and the crazed fans was all well worth because at the end of the day, I got him.

"I love you," I said quickly.

"As I love you," he said back with conviction. "So does this mean you are not mad?"

"Of course I am mad!" What was he talking about? He was mad too, storming the halls and cussing and probably scaring timid little assistants on his rage induced rampage.

"At me," he clarified.

"No, Edward, I am not mad at you. I am mad at the situation, but it is not your fault."

"It's just… we have had such a hard time keeping bullshit from effecting this relationship. I mean Tanya happened and you left, you told me you loved me and I left. You aren't going to leave again are you? If this gets to be too much?" I didn't really understand how he could go from sounding vicious to anxious so quickly.

"No Edward," I reassured him, wishing I was with him to kiss his jaw or stroke his hair in comfort. "I like to think I learn from my mistakes. No more running. I am with you, whatever happens. What about you? Are you going to bail on me?"

"Fuck no. Thanks for saying that sunshine, I guess I just needed a little reassurance. DON'T YOU MOVE MOTHERFUCKER!" He was bellowing again and I momentarily had to remove the phone from my ear. "Bella? Sunshine? I found Garrett and I will deal with this. But I have to go, call you later."

I quickly hung up with Edward, who was once again screaming at Garrett, and slowly walked to my father's office, metaphorical hat in hand.

"Dad?" I said, knocking nervously as pushed up his heavy wood door.

He grunted in response and didn't look up from the stack of papers in front of him. I took his lack of glaring and verbal outcry as permission to enter.

"I was going to tell you," I sighed, sitting across from him and hanging my head in my hands.

"When?" he asked, still not looking at me, continuing to work as usual.

"Soon. Everything has happened so fast, breaking up with Jake, getting back together with Edward. I hadn't even seen him for years until the beginning of the month. And I know that all this reflects poorly on the company. I am on it, I will release a statement and everything will be fine. I am sorry that you have to deal with this at all," I babbled somewhat lamely. "I think we need to nip these band stealing allegations in the bud. I am going to call Aro at Edward's record company and—"

"Bella…" he said, warning me that his patience was waning.

"I love him Charlie," I said, looking my father right in the eye.

He sighed heavily and finally stopped pretending to work.

"I know Bella, hell we have all always known," he said, rolling his eyes and talking with his hands.

I huffed. Was I really that transparent? I thought I did a good job pretending to be over him.

"You know," Charlie continued, rising and coming to sit next to me instead of across from me. "I have never liked Edward."

It was my turn to roll my eyes. Everyone had always known that too.

"But I am man enough to admit that my first instinct regarding him was wrong. He is a good father. Nessie sure loves her daddy, she talks about him all the time, thinks he hangs the sun and the moon."

"She really is his priority Dad. You should see them together…" I started tearing up again, just like I did whenever I thought about it. But Charlie wouldn't understand they were happy tears so I worked real hard to keep them at bay.

"Plus he is one talented son of a bitch," Charlie begrudgingly admitted. "I have listened to his music Bella, I have seen the way he looks at you. He loves you too." I was pleased that this was a statement, not a question. "And I have to give it to the guy, he really turned it around."

I smiled and nodded.

"Are you sure you know what you are doing?" he asked, eyebrows raised, mustache twitching.

I laughed. "Absolutely not! I have no idea what I am doing. We have a lot of damage and hurt to overcome and now he is gone, but I know that I love him. I don't want to be without him anymore."

Charlie nodded and looked at me for a long time, deep in thought.

"That being said, I will fucking kill him if he fucks up again."

Like I hadn't heard that before.

Charlie and I continued to discuss damage control but when I finally left his office, I was feeling a whole lot of relief.

So that was that. Charlie's cool acceptance shocked the living piss out of me much as Jaspers had. Maybe it had been so long that everyone, including Edward and I, was just too exhausted to continue fighting our undeniable and everlasting connection.

But there was no time to dwell on it because the next few days were spent in a whirl of activity as fires were put out and I had to deal with what the industry was like on the other side of things. Swan released a statement, Edward released a statement, both confirming the truth and denying the false all the while pleading for a little privacy for the sake of our daughter. But the rumors still swirled.

Eventually things calmed slightly and after a couple weeks, another scandal broke and we were no longer at the forefront of the public's gossip craving. That's not to say we were not still harassed, it just wasn't in the droves it was in the beginning.

We were not out of the public eye. The stories circulating ranged from marriage, abuse, cheating, another pregnancy, and even aliens. I was either the gold digging whore or the women scorned or the helpless victim. Edward was either the Don Juan or the typical rock star asshole or the dead beat dad that abandoned us the moment he made it big.

Those rumors were the worst.

There was also a deluded version of the truth circulating that actually quoted a "childhood friend" who claimed to know us in high school. Though she wasn't named, I could hear each snide quote read in Lauren's sugar coated tone.

"Bella was the most popular girl in high school. It was so sad to see her fall in with the wrong crowd. No one was really surprised when she got pregnant and he left her. It was just so sad."

I wished I could have proved it because taking that bitch down would have been a huge stress reliever.

But, on the plus side, I was becoming quite the pro at avoiding the press. This, unfortunately, involved basically moving into Edward's house being as it had a gate. Those pesky paparazzi had discovered the location of my humble abode, so I sucked it up for the benefit of my daughter and we had been staying at Edward's, a fact that only fueled the fire.

"I am not moving in! I know that is what you are thinking but that is not how it is, not at all," I said to Edward as I went through his closet, making room for some of my work clothes.

"Sure, you just keep telling yourself that sunshine," he chuckled back.

"Stop sounding so smug. We are taking things slow remember. I am not the kind of girl to move in with her boyfriend after 3 weeks of long distance dating," I replied, wondering why a grown man needed so many pairs of sneakers.

"Ha. Three weeks my ass. So is that what I am? Your boyfriend?" he asked.

"Edward, at this point I really have no idea. But boyfriend doesn't seem completely right to me either."

"It sounds like we are about twelve fucking years old. Or even worse, back in high school," he said, sounding horrified. "Whatever, I don't care what label you put on it as long as I can call you mine."

"Well, yours I am."

"Good."

"Damn right."

"I miss you," he sighed.

"I miss you too," I sighed right back, feeling all sappy and in love. "But I have to go."

"What? Why?" he demanded.

"The girls are coming over for dinner. It is not like we can go out these days without attracting way too much attention," I explained, exiting the closet and roaming the halls in search of my daughter.

"Bella, I want you to stay on the phone and entertain me. The south is just trees and it is fuck all hot."

"Aw poor baby," I cooed sarcastically.

"Don't leave me," he pleaded. "Otherwise I will have to go talk to Emmett. Or Seth. Or, God help me, Sam."

"You love them all and you know it. And I am not completely abandoning you," I said, spotting Nessie, lounging on her bed, reading in the sunshine. "I love you and I will talk to you later ok?"

I tossed the phone in front of my daughter.

"It's your dad," I said, causing her to squeak and lunge for my blackberry.

"Hiya Pops!" she said as I excused myself to go make dinner.

I prepared our Mexican inspired meal, grinning all the while.

"So please explain how the fuck you managed to go from crashing at Bella's to engaged in the span of ten goddamn minutes," said Alice, glaring at Rosalie as she bogarted the chips at the breakfast bar. "Without my assistance?"

Rose and I shared significant eye rolls at this.

"Believe it or not pixie, I am capable of getting my shit together without your assistance. Thank you very much."

"Come on Rose, you got to fill us in. Why are, or I guess were, you so against marriage in the first place?" I finally asked, ending the silent glare war between my two best friends.

"Fine," she said, sitting next to Alice and digging in to my freshly made guacamole. "Honestly I am not as against marriage as I may have previously indicated."

"EXPLAIN," demanded my sister.

"It wasn't about that, my hesitancy to marry Emmett. I mean, I have never been overly thrilled with the idea, what with my parents and you know, your parents. But then there are, you know, Emmett's parents who are basically my parents—"

"Rose…" Alice warned, getting impatient. Our Miss Hale was really not very good at sharing her emotions and thoughts and hopes and fears, even with us.

"Fine. I didn't want to marry Emmett because as long as we are not officially married, he had an out."

"An out?" I asked, not even looking up from the onions I was thinly slicing knowing that I was about to hear some foolish shit.

"Yeah, it was stupid, I know. But I had this crazy idea that someday he was going to wake up, realize that I am not worth the trouble, decide he wants to have kids and start a real family," she said, avoiding our eyes.

"Rosalie, are we back to this can't have babies hang up?" Alice asked, blunt as ever.

"No. Yes. Sort of. I know I am an idiot ok? And I have been trying to work past all that and Emmett made me go to therapy so that helps. But the thought of no little Emmett's running around was just too painful. As long as we weren't married he always had the option to find someone else to have babies with."

"That is ridiculous."

"I know," she replied. "Emmett convinced me of the same thing back at Bella's. Then he convinced me again. And again, and again and again." She licked her lips suggestively.

"Lord, I am never going to be able to go back there without imagining horrible, horrible things," I said, shuttering over my fajitas.

"Well it is a good thing you have deserted the place then," said Rose, rounding on me now.

"I have not deserted it!" I defended.

"Have so," put in my sister.

"Have not."

"Bella, how many nights have you spent at your house since Edward left?" Rose demanded.

"Um… none," I said, guilty. The first couple of nights it had just been easier, what with Nessie and everything. And then the press descended. And who the fuck was I kidding, I felt closer to him sleeping in that bed. There was no way I was leaving.

"I am not even going to say anything. The numbers speak for themselves."

The house was quiet. My friends had retired to their respective abodes and Nessie was tucked into bed (it was my bed being as she fell asleep while reading and I didn't have the energy or the heart to move her) and I should have been too. But I was restless.

I wandered about, trying to get to know Edward all over again by inspecting his house. I should have done that weeks ago, but I had been so goddamn busy.

I took in the platinum records hanging on the walls of his office and the pictures of him with his idols. My favorite was a photo of him with a fedora adorned Bob Dylan. Edward looked like he was attempting to remain cool, unaffected, and an equal with this legend but awe was apparent on his face.

I wished I were around for that moment.

But I kept on, willing myself not to get sad at all the time lost. We were figuring things out. We were going to make it work.

Hummm… Edward loved me. I was all warm inside.

He was so yummy.

Somehow I found myself in Nessie's room, getting a good look for the first time, and what I found there had me tearing up again. As was the norm in the last few weeks, they were happy tears. If Nessie's room at my house looked like a meadow, then her room here looked like the sea.

Edward really meant it when he said he wanted to give her everything all those years ago.

It was all blues and greens and purples. Her bed had a canopy. The lights looked like artistic seaweed. Her nightlight was a starfish. It was gorgeous.

On a bookshelf on the far wall, amongst the stuffed animals and novels, were several pictures. One was of her and Colin when they were toddlers. Nessie had very obviously just hit Colin who was clearly about to burst into tears. It was quite comical and it made me smile. There was also a picture of Nessie beaming in between Esme and Carlisle last Christmas morning.

And in the middle was a picture of the three of us, Nessie flanked by Edward and I. It was Nessie's 1st birthday and we were having a hard time posing for a family photo. Nessie appeared to be very focused on getting as messy with birthday cake as possible from her spot on Edward's lap. Edward had an arm around me, smiling and whispering something in my ear that had my head thrown back in laughter.

The photo had me hungry for more. I basically had nothing left from my time with Edward. When I moved out of our old apartment, I left every shred of evidence of us with him. I didn't want it. Any of it hurt too much. I had a constant reminder in Nessie and anything beyond that was just too painful.

But I was suddenly filled with an intense longing to see a little photographic proof that we did exist, that we were happy once upon a time.

I started my search in his office and then moved to the library (by far my favorite room in the house) where I once again came up empty. I felt a little weird about poking into Edward's things, but he was basically was begging me to live here so I assumed there was little he was planning on keeping from me.

An even greater fear was that he might not have anything left either. If he was anything like me, he would have wanted to eradicate my very presence from his life. All those photos and mementos that were once oppressive were precious now and I wanted to look. To remember.

Then I had a flash of a conversation with Ness about how she liked to look through the boxes of old photos Edward stored in the entertainment center in the living room.

I practically sprinted down the hall.

I easily located 2 huge boxes and pulled them over to the couch. I sat on the floor with my back against the cool leather of the sofa and took a little trip down memory lane.

There were hundreds of photos, meticulously catalogued by year. I could tell it was my sister's doing, even if they were not cut and pasted and scrapbooked. So I started at the beginning, looking at the thin stacks of the Cullen's years in Chicago and the early years in California before we met.

I started making a pile of those I wanted to reprint and doing something with, though I wasn't sure what yet. I used a scrap of paper to mark their spots. The first was a scowling Edward, around Nessie's age, who was struggling to get out of a head lock of Emmett's. Emmett was laughing hysterically and Esme was in the background, looking exasperated. The next was taken from around the same time. Edward was sitting with an older women who I assumed to be the legendary Grandma Vanessa 'Mimi" Platt. Their heads were together and she was obviously showing him cords on his very first guitar.

I continued on, selecting the ones that spoke to me all the while.

There were pictures in later years of him with his brother, Rose, and Jasper riding horses in Texas. There was a picture of his short lived band with Alice as the only other member. They split after only a few weeks due to artistic differences. Along side those were the first years of Vampire Sunrise and all 4 of them looked shockingly young. There were pictures Edward, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice at drunken bonfires just before I joined the ranks of the ace gang. Edward had his arm around a different floozy in each and I felt irrationally jealous.

The last years of our teens were excessively documented. I knew the beginning of my affair with Edward happened to coincide with Alice's discovery of a passion for photography and I was thankful now that she had been so trigger happy on the photo front.

We looked so happy.

Us at the beach, sunburned and exhausted from a day on the waves. Us cuddled together on various pieces of furniture. Us dressed up with the rest of the ace gang for various mandatory outings.

In most Edward's eyes were trained on me rather than the camera and it slayed me that I ruined the trust and devotion I saw in his boyish gaze.

I laughed out loud out at one that captured us failing miserably at a game of chicken against Rose and Emmett. There was a whole series of shots of us in the pool at Charlie's, all over each other. We never were very good at not touching when we were with each other. There were hundreds of the band in the early years and they were enough to send me into a sexual tizzy.

I pulled several out and added them to my stack.

I couldn't decide if my favorite from the pre-Nessie era was one of Edward, reaching for me as I made my way into his arms. We wore matching adoring smiles. I also loved one of us, only blue sky behind us, attempting to kiss for the camera. I had a vague memory of the moment. Edward was intently holding my face to his but I couldn't stop laughing for whatever reason and he ended up kissing my teeth.

It was obscenely adorable.

It made me equally nostalgic and hopeful. I wanted that back so badly. And it seemed to be working so far, even though there were several big conversations about the past we hadn't had yet. A small part of me feared that when he really was back we wouldn't work. That too much time had passed, that our differences were too great now.

But I missed him too much for those fears to have any real merit.

I pressed on, hoping that this photo exercise would make me feel better when it was really only serving to remind me of our collective failures.

I lingered for a long time over seemingly thousands of baby and toddler pictures of Nessie with various members of my family.

Things had started to change in our smiles. I looked haggard and worried, Edward looked perpetually drunk and rarely was able to focus on the camera.

Articles mentioning Vampire Sunrise were appearing more frequently filed with the photos, all accurately dated. Again, my feelings on that were very mixed as well and I couldn't help but wonder where we would all be now if Edward had quit.

And then I got to the years we weren't together anymore and I had to stop. This was just too agonizing. There were very few actually containing Edward and in every one he looked like a complete wreck. I felt so guilty for doing that to him.

There were so many girls. Slutty girls with fake boobs and fake hair and too little clothing and too much make up.

All sorts of negative was swirling in me and I couldn't go on. I tried to focus on the good, to remember how happy we once were and how happy I was again, even if he wasn't here. I tried to not think the bad things.

They were there though. And they were inexplicably really weighing on me tongight and I just wanted to find a little peace. I sat on Edward's piano bench and glanced at the clock as I silently traced the keys.

Just after midnight here meant really fucking late on the east coast.

I didn't want to wake him. I knew he worked so hard during the day, but I wanted to hear his voice. I needed to hear his voice.

So I dialed. Feeling guilty.

He wouldn't answer if he was asleep right? His voicemail was enough to hold me until morning when I could talk to him for real. It was better this way because I would probably end up saying something stupid to him in this weak emotional state. I hoped he continued to sleep.

"'Ello?" mumbled a very groggy Edward.

"Hi," I said, exhaling the word with a breath and some tears I didn't know I was holding. "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. If I hang up now will you be able to fall back asleep?"

This would have worked for me, the moment of conversation was enough to last me hours.

"I don't want you to hang up," he replied and I could see him rubbing his hands over his face. Just the way he always did when he woke. "Why do you sound so sad?"

"I dunno," I murmured as I closed my eyes and pretended he was near me. "Just feeling blue, I guess."

"I am sorry sunshine. I wish I was there to make it better."

"Me too," I replied. "I feel bad for waking you."

"Don't," he dismissed simply.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"You really hurt me when you slept with Heidi." I blurted, not really knowing where this was coming from. Why now when everything was so good?

"Shit," he murmured. "You want to talk about this now?"

"No. I want to talk about it never. But it is poison Edward. We have to just get it all out of our system," I whispered, closing my eyes and laying on the piano bench.

"I can't change my numerous fuck ups of the past Bella. And Heidi was a pretty damn big one, but you said you forgave me," he reminded me.

"I do. I am not angry anymore. I just feel like I need to understand," I explained. "I was- am, so in love with you being with anyone else was just… unfathomable. And at that time I was so heartbroken that I could barely even function. I just don't understand how, if you loved me like I loved you, you could do that."

I felt like a bitch. I was the one that left Edward, alone and heartbroken and questioning everything. I guess I just needed a little affirmation from him. I was feeling so inferior, after seeing all the photographic evidence that Edward had spent a lot of time with women more extraordinary then my plain Jane self. Like Heidi and her boobs appealed to him in a way that I didn't.

"Bella, I was feeling everything that you were feeling. That, plus a whole lot of anger. I thought that I didn't matter to you and I wanted to prove that you didn't matter to me either," he said quietly. And the tears started flowing. It was all my fault. "And yeah, part of the blame is yours for convincing me of that in the first place," he said as if he could read my mind. "But I am equally, if not far more, culpable. I was out of control back then Bella. I was a fucking alcoholic and I wouldn't admit it. You put Nessie first the only way you knew how. Ultimately I was the one who was stupid enough to think I could fuck you out of my system, so I would really appreciate if you could stop beating yourself up about this."

I was crying full out now and I wished I had the sense to wait until I saw him in person to have this discussion because his arms around me would have made it better.

"I am so sorry Bella. I wish I could touch you, so badly right now," he said.

I gave a strangled laugh through my tears. "What? Are you reading my mind?" I joked. "Keep going. Tell me about the others."

"Are you sure? You are crying. You know how I feel about you crying," Edward said and I could hear the tension in his voice.

"I am sure," I said without sounding very sure at all.

He sighed heavily and talked in an emotionless voice that I wasn't familiar with.

"I spent a good chunk of time after you moved out getting drunk, getting high, and nailing anything that moved. I don't want to give you details and can't because from that October till Nessie's birthday is a drunken, drug induced blur. I was fulfilling every negative over indulgent rock star stereotype and I am not proud for it. I was completely out of control and it was killing me. So I don't have a number for you or anything. I know you wanted to know everything, but I honestly do not fucking know. Way to goddamn many. Fucking you out of my system was obviously a failure."

He was confirming things I already honestly knew, but it was difficult to hear anyway.

"What about in later years?" I knew we were on the brink of getting down to the nitty gritty of just how sick he had been then. I wanted to hear about his fall to rock bottom and his subsequent redemption, but I needed to be with him for that. I was so proud of Edward cleaning up and so guilty I wasn't a bigger part of his sobriety. So I would leave that. For now.

"You mean girls?" he clarified.

"Yes. Emmett said you had a groupie habit."

"That was mostly in during the first couple tours after the second album came out. But none of them mattered, just a way to pass the fucking time."

"Edward, someone in the 8 years we have been apart had to have mattered," I said, thinking of Jake and how necessary his friendship had been to my survival. "Even a little bit."

He snorted in skepticism. "By the time I hit 25 I was burned out on the whole groupie random sex thing. It was downright unbearable sober and I was always fucking disgusted with myself so I decided that I had to actually be in some sort of relationship before any fucking happened. I had a string of relationships, and I am using the term goddamn loosely here, that lasted anywhere from a date to a month."

"What about all the rumors? It sounds like you always had a girlfriend? Did you even like any of them?" I pressed.

"I guess they were ok. I have met a lot of interesting people over the years, but you know me. I am pretty goddamn anti social. I liked the girls who didn't challenge me, who didn't expect anything from me. I never allowed them to get close to me. Mostly they were just something to pass the time. Distractions that never served to actually distract me from how much I wished I was with you."

"It just seems so unlikely, that you have spent the last eight years pinning for me," I said, still unconvinced of his declarations of eternal love.

"Yeah, it was actually a bit embarrassing. But it is not like I was miserable every second of everyday. I had my music. I only thought about you when something would remind me of you. Unfortunately, music was always the biggest connection I felt to you and that is my career."

"It just seems too good to be true."

"I have always loved you Bella," he said sternly. "I don't know what else to say to prove it, but I am prepared to spend the rest of my life trying..."

"What about Tanya? Did you love her?" I said, not ready to give up all these heavy emotions I had been carrying around all day.

"Sunshine, haven't you been listening? I am not the one who went around loving other people," he remarked. I knew he was referring to Jake and I felt stupid for being jealous and needy and an emotional mess. "Being with Tanya was really mindless. She didn't want a whole lot from me emotionally and she understood living in the public eye. Attending all those events with her was a pain in the ass but I saw it as just another part of the job. Tanya is spoiled and bitchy and completely fake and she was obviously the worst of my distractions. Ok?"

"Ok. I just wish she wasn't making life so much more difficult than it needs to be right now. Well this was a good talk Edward, but I am sure you are tired and need to sleep. I love you—"

"No way. You are not getting off that easy missy."

"What ever do you mean Edward?" I said, trying to sound innocent.

"How many people have you been with in the last eight years?" he asked frankly. "In the biblical sense.'

"That isn't a good question. I didn't ask you that question," I stammered, counting quickly in my head.

"Only because I told you I had no idea! Those first few years after you left were bad for me. But since I turned 25 and made my no random sex declaration? There has been 11."

"11? In four years?" I groaned, really not liking the thought of that at all. Though it was actually considerable lower then I would have guessed. I still didn't like it though.

"It is not that many," he defended.

"It is so many. What are their names?' I asked.

"Fuck, Bella. I don't remember all of them."

"Try."

"Fine. Let's see, there was Chelsea, she had hair like yours but I couldn't stand the sound of her voice. Dora whose hair color I can't even remember. Claire who I was with for two months which was a very long time for me. There was Emily, Gianna, and Rachel who were all equally unmemorable. I was with Charlotte the longest though."

I instantly hated her.

"She was cool, quite, nothing like you."

"If you like her so much why aren't you still with her?" I snapped, feeling foolish.

"Bella," he said, sighing heavily. "She didn't put up with my crap and wanted a fucking commitment and there was no way that was happening. We are still friends though."

"Oh really?"

'Will you relax? She is actually married to someone Jasper works with, Peter."

"I hope Nessie never has him for a teacher when she gets to high school."

"Bella, I thought I was the jealous irrational one in this relationship?" he said, borderline laughing at me. I chose to not even dignify that statement with a response. "So that is it. It is your turn now and stop changing the subject, we have already established that I was a man whore. Now we are talking about you."

"It is a good thing I have claimed you as my own. You are a bit of a menace to women kind," I remarked, still avoiding.

"Yes, I will not be pillaging and plundering any longer. Now tell me, Ms Swan, how the fuck many?"

I hoped he did a little plundering but this didn't seem like an appropriate moment to say so.

"How many, total? In the 8 years since we were together?" I clarified.

"Yup," he said, sounding tense. "With names. And details. I want to know everything."

"Well… The first was about 9 months after we broke up. He was a random drunken hook up and I was so ashamed in the morning that I decided to never to that again. I couldn't stop crying for 3 days and I felt like I had cheated on you somehow, which was irrational and only made me madder at myself."

Edward growled and I knew this would not be fun. He was such a caveman. A hypocritical caveman.

"I felt that way too," he said tersely.

"You did?"

"Not like I was fucking cheating on you exactly. It was more like I was betraying your memory. I knew you would be disappointed in my behavior but I couldn't stop. Keep going," he encouraged.

"And then I started dating this guy from work, James—"

"JAMES," he yelled. "That motherfucker who was always offering to drive you home and stuff?"

"Yes," I said quietly. It was amazing that he remembered someone as inconsequential to his life as James but couldn't remember much about all the women he had been with. I didn't know if this irritated me or thrilled me.

"I knew he had a thing for you. God fucking damn it. You dated him? Slept with him?"

"Yes Edward, it was long after we broke up. Nessie was almost 4. We were together for about five months and it was awful. I tried so hard to feel anything for him but I just couldn't."

I waited a moment for Edward to reply but he was seething in silence now so I pressed on.

"The next was a summer fling. Riley. He actually really liked me but he wanted too much so I called it off. Then there was Alec who worked in PR, but we only stayed together for a month or so because he didn't like me spending so much time with Nessie. And then finally Jake. Oh and Rob, I can't believe I almost forgot about Rob."

"Rob?" he asked, seething.

"Yeah, we spent a week in Mexico together after your fifth album came out. I guess it was my own version of trying to prove that you didn't matter. It was the most impulsive thing I ever did and it didn't work at all."

"Are you telling me you spend a week in bed with some random dude as a reaction to my music?" He really did not seem happy and I was willing to bet Alice's shoe collection that his hands were fisted in his hair.

"It was not like that Edward. Before that album came out, I was doing really well. I was successful at work, I just bought my house, and I had friends that loved me. I was legitimately happy and I thought I was over you. And then that album came out I everything I once felt came crashing back and I missed you again and it really pissed me off! So that trip was a last ditch effort to prove that I was over you. After I just accepted that I would never be free of a longing for you."

"Wow. Did you know that I wanted every nameless, faceless, meaningless girl to be you. Every time, without fail. It pissed me off too. That I was still hung up on someone I would never have," he still sounded harsh, but his words soothed me none the less.

"So six," he said abruptly when I didn't reply.

"Yes, six. Don't be mad Edward. 6 is a whole lot less then the thousands you can even really remember," I snapped back, really not like where this conversation was going.

"And did you love any of them?" That is what he said but what I heard was did you love Jacob.

"I cared about them. I enjoyed spending time with them. And Jacob… well Jake was my best friend Edward. He helped heal me after everything that happened. I am so grateful that I was lucky enough to have someone as understanding as Jake in my life and I feel so guilty for hurting him. But I didn't love him like I love you. It was friend love and I was with him because I ran out of reasons to say no," I explained. "There was never a time that I was with them, in the biblical sense, that I didn't think about you and long for you."

"I know. Believe me, I know. It was the same for me," he said, his tone less harsh now. "Did you know that Jacob told me that you were dating at Alice's wedding?"

"What? No! We weren't, we were only together for a little less than a year—"

"I know. Alice told me when she got back from her honeymoon. But I would have… done something, talked to you about how I felt if I knew he was lying. I was planning on it. I knew that you had dumped me and I thought that you didn't love me, but I was going to put pride aside and get on my goddamn knees to beg you to have me back. But then he told me how hurt you were. How you were barely able to function. He said that I was bad for you, that he was better for you. And I believed him so I stayed away. Part of me still fucking believes him."

Well that was a lot of new, nauseating information.

"Jake had no right to interfere like that. I am so mad that he said anything at all, that he convinced you of something so completely false."

"But—'

"No Edward. He was wrong. You are not bad for me, not anymore. I need you in a way that I never needed Jake. I need you to function. You are a crucial part of me. I am not right without you."

He let out a shaky breath and I imagined him tugging on his hair unconsciously.

"I love you," he said after a moment. "And I am going to be the kind of man that deserves you."

"You already are, but thank you."

"So how did you and Black get together? I was so fucking sick when I heard. I convinced myself that if it hadn't happened at that point it wasn't going too at all."

"That is what I thought. But I was just so tired of fighting him on it. I felt like I owed him for all his years of friendship," Edward made a disgusted sound at this but I pressed on, determined to tell him everything so we would never have such an awful conversation again. "I really did, well do, care about him Edward. I thought I could somehow translate that affection into a romantic relationship but I was wrong. We had big problems, even before you were back in the picture."

"Do you miss him?" Edward asked, sounding so sad.

"Not really, not like I miss you."

"Are you going to see him again?"

"I am not planning on it. That would not be fair to you. Or him."

"Are you sure you are making the right choice Bella?"

At this I laughed. "There is not a choice. There has never been a choice. I have always been yours."

"I love you," he said quietly.

"I love you too," I replied, glad that particular conversation was over. I understood a little more about Edward, he understood a little more about me, and I really believed we were making progress in mending old scars.

EPOV

I originally saw my arrival at Nessie's 5th grade "graduation" as a surprise. The way-to-fast growth of my little girl and the somewhat ridiculous ceremony commemorating the end of her elementary experience had been on my mind for months. She was aging at an alarming rate and it was freaking me the fuck out.

I knew that Kathleen was planning a huge commencement party for Ness and Colin (the rest of my band mates had received invitations months ago while I did not) and I sure as shit would be there too. With or without a formal invite.

But everything was different now. Though neither Bella or Nessie had mentioned anything. The old Edward would have felt insecure about that.

Though I was anticipating Nessie's elementary retirement, neither Bella nor the girl herself seemed to find it very important. A few weeks before I left on tour, I mentioned it to Ness, expressing my excitement.

"It's really not a big deal Dad," she said in a snotty voice that was probably foreshadowing of her coming teenage years that were just around the corner. The thought alone had me shuttering. For a multitude of reasons.

Bella hadn't said much either but that was probably a direct result of all the crap she had to deal with since the news of our relationship hit the press.

That shit really boiled my blood, but I was mostly mad at myself. My time in the love bubble with Bella seemed to have robbed me of all common sense. It was embarrassing really, that a media avoiding veteran such as myself had carried on in such a manner. I was a goddamn idiot and I could have handled the whole this a lot better if it was only me suffering but Bella and Nessie were bearing the brunt of it. I hated being this powerless to help.

At least they were safe, tucked away behind my gate.

Tanya motherfucking Denali was not helping matters in the slightest. Instead of avoiding the paps and detaching herself from the situation, she was playing the heartbroken victim. As if we ever meant that much to each other.

She used me as arm candy and a means to cultivate a broader fan base. I used her for an easy fuck and a means to prove I was over Bella, something that I was really not proud of.

And Tanya really was a raging bitch. She wouldn't shut the fuck up about this "incredibly rough time". But Garrett assured me that the tides were turning. That people were becoming interested in the romance of Bella and I's drawn out story instead of the scandal. This didn't sound particularly good to me. Either way, my family was at the center of national attention, something that made me very uncomfortable. This whole situation was really my own fucking fault. I had flown under the paparazzi radar until I stated dating someone that fucking famous. Horrible decision.

But I digress.

The point was, Bella and Nessie had not mentioned any plans for commencement at the end of June and neither did I. I decided I would just surprise them. But then Nessie called and I didn't have the heart to even pretend to be too busy to attend.

"Oh my God, Dad!" Nessie said in a rush when I answered my cell a week before I was planning on flying home. "What are you doing in a week?"

"I don't know," I said, chuckling at her enthusiasm. It was about time it was making an appearance. "Why?"

"5th grade graduation Dad," she yelled into the phone, causing me to wince. "You are coming right? You don't have a show or anything?"

I had insisted on having next week off when the tour was planned eons ago.

"Nope, I am all yours sweetheart. Though I must say I am a little surprised you didn't invited me earlier."

"I forgot," she mumbled, clearly feeling bad about our lack of communication. "I didn't really care about it. They are always boring and we are just going to the building across the courtyard. I thought it was stupid."

"But you don't anymore?"

"No!" I waited for her to elaborate, asking the obvious quested when she didn't.

"So what changed? I would be there regardless of how you felt about it, by the way."

"I wanted it to be a surprise," she squeaked. I could picture her, phone clutched to her ear, as she vibrated with the compulsion to totally blow her surprise.

"Ok," I said quickly, well aware that if I asked any questions that she would spill her guts. I didn't mind a good surprise.

"UUUUrrrrggghhh," she growled in frustration. "Fine. Just promise you will be there."

"I promise," I said, doing that scouts honor thing before I realized that she couldn't actually see me.

"And you will come to the party after? At Grandpa Charlie's?" My stomach did a somersault at the thought of entering the chief's domain. Despite Bella's story of his shockingly painless acceptance, the man has always terrified me.

"I promise," I said again.

"You should invite Uncle Emmett. And Sam and Seth too," she said.

"Already did, sweetheart. Kathleen sent them invitations. How many people are going to be at this thing?" I wasn't very good at sharing time with either of my girls, so the number of people on the guest list might really annoy me.

"Like 200," Nessie said, sounding just like her mother. They both had a tendency to use hyperbole. 200 roughly translated to 50. 75 tops. "Mom keeps telling Grandma K that it isn't a freaking wedding."

"It will be great kid," I assured her. "A lot of people want to congratulate you on your big day. DUDE, you are so old."

"Then you are a grandpa," she giggled back at me.

"Fair enough. Is your mom around?" I asked.

"No, she is on her way to pick me up— COLIN STOP!" she screamed suddenly. "Dad, I have to go beat up Colin now."

"Ok, I love you darling daughter. Have your mom call me."

"Yeah, yeah, love yah too, bye." And with that she hung up.

I sighed heavily and went back to silently brooding in our tour bus. We played a show in Miami the night before and, after taking the day to frolic in the ocean, we were driving north to Orlando and Jacksonville before we moved on to Georgia. Our last show before break would be in Atlanta later in the week. We would then all hop on a plane right after for a whole week off to spend with our families. I couldn't fucking contain my excitement.

Being on tour was tantamount to residing in a goddamn vacuum. The typical concept of time doesn't exist. It is moments of the intense fucking high of performing and shit food and sleeping when you can and never really knowing where the fuck you are or when the fuck it is and craving the company of those left behind. It is hours of interviews and self promotion and record company types telling you that you are the shit while trying to get you to change in order to make more goddamn money. It is screwing around with the crew and your friends and missing your loved ones. It is boredom. It is exhilaration. It was the best and worst time of my life.

The good used to out way the bad, but that was a rapidly shifting dynamic. Once, it was a relief to know that Bella was thousands of miles away. I constantly felt like I was living with her shadow. I was both unwilling to let go and unable to really function to the fullest in LA. Everywhere I went at home, there was the chance I would run into the real Bella, something I both craved and dreaded. On tour, I could just be without that threat. Shadow Bella was always with me, bound to me through memory and music and love, but on tour her presence was less oppressive.

This touring experience was completely different. Being away from the real Bella without having any time to get used to being with her again was unbearable. I was like having withdrawals all over again and the only thing that could sooth the ache even a little bit was hearing her voice or being attached to a guitar. And sure, this time we had Skype and better cell service and other things to make miles seem a little les imposing, but it wasn't the same. We both lacked the privacy or the time to utilize them effectively anyway.

And it wasn't just Bella, it was Nessie too. Though I always missed my daughter and logged as many phone minutes with her as possible, Nessie's growth was really hitting me hard. She went from 1 to 10 in seemingly seconds and I had missed so much of it. That was fucking unacceptable.

But regardless of my reasons, I knew that this would be my last tour for a good long while.

"Goddamn I feel old," I announced from my position at what served as our kitchen table in one of our two tour buses. Typically we would split up, Emmett and I bunking in one with Sam and Seth in the other, but tonight we had all gathered together. It was a nice and startling change from even a few years ago.

When I cleaned up, there was rough period of about four years when Sam and I pretty much completely hated each other. Getting wasted was the foundation of my friendship with Sam and we bonded over our similar destructive habits. I preferred my booze, Sam preferred his drugs, but we really had no problem sharing which each other. When I got clean, it pissed off Sam and he felt abandoned. He succeeded in luring me off the wagon a time or two.

Ok three.

Ok four.

Not that it was hard to do back in the day. We were on tour and I hadn't done a full stay in rehab yet, thinking that I could cure myself through self control.

I, in turn, was pretty resentful towards Sam and tried to push him into cleaning up too. After our third album, we didn't speak for the entire month of our tour while Emmett and Seth maintained an uneasy peace.

But eventually he cleaned up and I grew up and we went back to being creative partners and eventually friends. Mostly my band mates were my friends first and they deserved to know that I needed a break from our write, record, promote, tour, repeat norm.

"Yeah, well you look worse," retorted Seth from his seat in a bean bag like chair set up in front of the huge flat screen. This whole bus was like a freaking bachelor's lair, but it facilitated Emmett and Seth's Xbox duels well. They were in the middle of some 'epic' NCAA tournament and neither of them had looked at anything else since we departed Miami hours ago.

"Fuck you Seth. At least I don't look like I am eternally 12," I replied, rolling my eyes and absently strumming the guitar in my lap.

"Just eternally constipated," Emmett chimed in. He was such a charming big brother. "Seriously man, relax. You are not even 29 yet. I am the one who should be freaking out. I am fucking 30!"

"That is not what I meant dude. We aren't actually old, I just feel like I am 50. I am just so tired. Bone weary," I explained.

"We are only 3 weeks in," Sam said, joining the conversation as he reclined on the couch and craved a wolf out of a hunk of reddish wood. It was a skill he picked up in treatment and he was a damn good whittler. "You need to buck up dude, rub some dirt in it."

"I am not complaining about the tour. You banned that remember?" the whole room nodded, thinking back to the 'bitching intervention' they held on me a couple of years ago. "I just think I am going to need a break after this one."

"Of course dude," Seth said before cursing colorfully at Emmett. 'We always take a month off before we start brainstorming and writing and rehearsing again."

"I am going to need a whole lot more than a month." I finally had the full attention of the band. Emmett and Seth paused the game while Sam sat up and put down his hunk of wood. I continued to strum my guitar, inexplicably nervous about having this conversation.

"How long are you going to need Edward?" asked Emmett. The tension was thick between us, but I didn't really get why.

"I don't know. Like a year?" I ventured as if it was a question. Why was I suddenly so awkward about this?

"Phew…" Sam exhaled a deep breath. "Taking a year off sounds like a halfway house to breaking up."

"Fuck that," sputtered Seth, as angry as I had ever seen him. It was shocking and I struggled to understand what the fuck was going on in his head. "We are not fucking taking a year off. We are not fucking breaking up."

"Calm down Seth," Sam said, stepping in before Seth's head exploded. "Let the bossman speak." I hated this nickname. Sam claimed I was the natural leader and main writer so was therefore the boss. This really didn't give anyone else enough credit. But I chose to ignore him in that moment.

"I am not talking about breaking up." I sounded like I was talking about a goddamn marriage. 'But I have a real life to attend to. I want to be there with my daughter. I want to spend more time with Bella. I feel like I have been working nonstop since I was 18 years old and I am just burned out."

No one responded and no one looked too pleased with me, so I pushed on.

"I know you and Emily want to start a family," Sam nodded and looked like he was seeing my point, so I turned to Emmett. "You have a family to start yourself, Big Brother. I highly doubt you want to spend your newlyweddom away from your blushing bride. I know I don't,"

"What the fuck?" yelled Sam. "Is there something you are not telling us?"

"I thought they were taking it slow?' demanded Seth, looking to Emmett instead of the logical source of information, me.

"We are. I mean, she has kinda moved in and we talk about the future, but I haven't asked her to marry me yet." I realized my hands were once again in my hair and I forced myself to lower them to my lap. "Again."

"Are you really that serious?" asked Seth, stupidly. I am glad I was not the only on that gave him a sanity questioning look.

"Yes," I replied, not bothering to conceal my annoyance.

"You are a fucktard Seth," said Sam.

"He has only been crazy for her since he was 17 years old," Emmett said. I smiled, remembering Bella's words during our last, particularly painful conversation the day before. "It is pathetic"

If I wasn't a grown up now I would have reminded Emmett that he was the blubbering mess that required me to sing him to sleep on my couch when Rosalie briefly left him.

But I digress.

"Was he really? You sure had a lot of sex for someone so in love with their ex." Seth's usual jovial voice was disguised by malice. If it wasn't so shocking I would have been pissed off. As it was, he was reminding me of some rather unpleasant things I had to share with Bella recently. And though I was glad both of our pasts were now on the table (there was 6 motherfuckers I wanted to kill out in the wide world now) but we had been poking at old wounds. And I was still feeling all tender.

'Seth," I said with a forced calm. "What is wrong?"

He sighed and looked to be on the verge of tears. This was quite alarming because I was a man and didn't even know how the fuck to deal with my daughters tears. But he got it under control and spoke.

"What do I have Edward? You have Bella and Nessie. Emmett has Rosalie. Sam has Emily. Leah has J— some new boyfriend. And I have the band, but that's it. What am I going to do if we break up?"

It hit me in that moment how important Vampire Sunrise was to people other than myself. Poor Seth. I knew I would feel the same if I hadn't been lucky enough to find and impregnate my soul mate before I hit 20. This industry demanded every part of an artist, leaving most cold and empty and alone and dead inside when all was done. I didn't want that happening to Seth or any of us for that matter.

"First of all, we are not breaking up so calm the fuck down. We are not done yet and I firmly believe that we have not even scratched the surface of what we can do musically and I am not the type to just walk away from that," I stated, looking pointedly at Seth to convince him of how genuine I was. "And don't you get it Seth? That is exactly why we need a real long break. You need a personal life buddy."

"A personal life?"

"Yeah man," interjected Emmett. "Weren't you dating a girl before we left?"

Seth's ears turned red and I remembered how fuck all fun it was to tease Seth about his love life.

"We weren't ever serious," he mumbled.

'Why the hell not? Bree is cool," asked Sam, focused intently on the wolf ears he was perfecting.

"It just seemed so pointless. I am always gone." Again we all just stared at Seth, waiting once again for him to get it. "Oh so you think I could get serious with a girl if we toured less?"

We all nodded sagely.

"I think a prolonged break would be really good for our collective sanity," said Sam.

"Here, here," I said, quickly casting my vote for more Bella time.

"Me too," Emmett finally said after long minutes of silent contemplation.

'So we aren't breaking up?" Seth asked for the zillionth time. But at least he was looking and sounding more like his happy self.

"No," Emmett, Sam, and I replied in unison.

"Promise?" he asked, grinning now.

"Yes," we all nearly shouted back, all tension gone now.

I was relieved there was an end in sight to the time I had to spend apart from Bella and Nessie. I knew I had to make changes to my life to be a more active member in my family. But at least now I would have at least a year after the tour to figure it out.

I couldn't quit the band and I couldn't stop playing music, but I couldn't be away from my heart and soul that I felt back in Cali either. We really had so much to figure out, but that was ok because we would be together, no matter what.

"Holy Toledo, I am such a facking idiot."

Ah, the sound of her voice made me feel semi human again. I loved the tinkle of it, the syllables she stressed, the new words she used to replace curses when Nessie was born. I needed to hear it. Especially after hours spent in the bus discussing some pretty heavy shit.

After our intense conversation, Emmett and Seth started wailing on each other to reassert their manliness and I slipped into my bunk in the back, falling asleep on top of my vibrating phone so there was no chance I would miss her call.

If she even called.

Which she did.

"Hi there sunshine. I love you," I said into the phone as I whipped the sleep from my eyes. I added that last little bit just because I could whenever I wanted to.

And I wanted to a lot.

"How did 5th grade commencement sneak up on me like this? I cannot believe we haven't talked about it yet. You are coming aren't you? Oh god what if you can't get a flight in time—"

She was in full on freak out mode, apparent because of the babbling. She was so goddamn adorable, I could barely even handle it.

"Woah Bella, calm thyself," I said, trying not to laugh at how squeaky she got when stressed. "I have had a flight booked for months, I made sure that next week if free, and I will be home real late next Thursday night."

"I am so beyond happy to hear that. I love you so much I don't think I would last a day past Thursday. Why didn't you tell me earlier?" she demanded, not calming even a little bit.

I had been dealing with a lot of frantic people today.

"I figured I would make it a surprise if neither of you said anything. I couldn't lie and disappoint Ness just for a surprise though."

"Speaking of Nessie and surprises…"

"I know, I know," I sighed. "The suspense is killing me. Are you in on it?"

"Yup. It is kind of a big deal," Bella replied, teasing me with the knowledge she processed.

"Goddamn, if I was home more I would know this, wouldn't I?"

"Well, yes actually. But don't you get all emo on me Edward. I am calling because I am so happy and excited that I will be seeing you in a little over a week," she said, I could hear the scowl in her voice.

She was so fucking hot when she scowled.

"What are you doing right now?" It was a standard question of mine. I liked to be able to close my eyes and picture her in that moment.

"The dishes. We just finished dinner. I love your kitchen by the way. It is a travesty that all your fancy appliances have been neglected until now."

"You have totally moved in," I said, grinning, so goddamn pleased that it took minimal cajoling on my part to get her ass in my house.

Our house.

I really wanted to marry her soon.

"I have not. Stop saying that or I am going to sleep at my place next week," she threatened without much conviction.

"You should just sell it," I dismissed.

"Edward, if I sold it I would then be homeless."

"What are you wearing?" I changed gears, not wanting to have a stupid argument that we both knew I would win.

"Edward…" The warning and desire in her voice already had my dick twitching.

"Come on sunshine," I said jovially, trying to disguise how embarrassingly turned on I was already without much stimulation. "I am just trying to get a good mental image, this isn't for phone sex purposes at all."

"So are you telling me that I shouldn't make up something like one of your t-shirts with nothing underneath?"

I bit my cheek to keep from groaning. She said this is her slowest, lowest, raspiest sex voice, tormenting me on purpose. I closed my eyes and pictured her as I palmed my now hard dick. She knew I loved it when she wore my clothes.

"So every time I lean over the sink your shirt would rise up on my thighs, higher and higher until you could see pretty much everything, my tight little ass, my dripping wet just for you love cup."

I think she may have heard me groan that time because she stifled a giggle. Also, what the hell was a love cup? Bella was so weird, something that only served to make me harder.

"And occasionally some warm water would get all over my chest, making my tits all glistening and slippery…"

The dick was out of the pants at that one.

"And your t-shirt would be clinging everywhere so it would probably just be easier if you removed it for me all together…"

I stroked it a couple times, my anticipation building.

"Oh well," she said, her tone returning to normal and shocking me into opening my eyes. "To bad I am actually in my old Ted Leo and the Pharmacists hoodie, a baggie pair of athletic shorts with some sort of questionable stain on the side, and slipper socks. Oh, and my hair is in a messy bun on the top of my head. Can you picture you me in your kitchen now?"

"What the hell?" I said through clenched teeth. "You are cruel."

She laughed borderline hysterically for a moment before collecting herself. I just growled, not finding any of this funny.

I probably should have just admitted my real reason for asking about her attire from the get go.

"You are easy. I hope I didn't make things to _hard _for you baby," she crooned, still giggling. "But I need to go help Nessie with something right now. Maybe if you are very, very lucky I will call you back. I might even put on something sexy for real this time."

I muttered incoherently at her.

"I love you rock star," she whispered before hanging up, leaving me to brood. I hated brooding while I was horny.

I knew it was going to be a very long week.

I just wanted to thank everyone for reading! The response to this, my very first fan fic, has been just mind boggling.

We are getting near the end now… I am thinking about 4 more chapters plus an epi.

Please let me know what you thought. Was it good? Bad? Ugly? Let me know.


	24. Chapter 24

BPOV

It was like I was half a person until I saw him again. Incomplete, fractured. I needed him and the last week had moved incomprehensibly slowly.

But it was late Thursday night now and my eyes were glued to the exit at LAX where Edward would be strolling through any second with the rest of the band.

The need to see him was making me twitchy and instead of just letting me bit my lip and focus on that doorway, I was being forced to interact with people I hadn't seen in years.

Leah was trying to talk to me.

"So Bella,' she said, trying to draw my gaze to her instead of the exit. That would so totally not be happening. Rosalie, Emily, Leah, and I were all present to pick up our loved ones and I found the situation unbearable. "It has been awhile since we have seen you around."

I simply nodded, not wanting to encourage her further.

"So are you and Edward back together then?" she asked as I worked not to glare at her.

"Yes," I replied.

"Congrats man," Leah said sounding surprisingly genuine. I looked at her then and saw that she was serious. "I hope you guys are really happy."

Leah had never seemed to care for me before. She barely used to speak to me and when she did it was belittling and downright rude. Yet she seemed perfectly friendly now. But there was no time to dwell on this bizarre interaction because my own personal rockstar/sex god emerged.

He looked delightfully rumpled in his standard outfit of dark jeans and dark v-neck. Today he had covered his trademark bronze sex hair with a beanie in an attempt to remain incognito, but there was not disguising his cocky strut and crooked smile.

I wanted to squeal, run to him, rip off his hat, and grab his hair. But none of the other women made a single move towards the band, all standing around with an air of cool about them that conveyed that they had done this before. Many times. And it really annoyed me, but I stayed put anyway.

His eyes never left mine as he stalked toward me like a mountain lion. A freaking hot mountain lion. He was setting me on fire and he wasn't even within 10 feet of me yet.

At about the 8 foot mark I finally gave up and jumped at him, wrapping my legs around his waist in what I considered to be our signature move, removing that ridiculous hat and kissing him in one seamlessly executed motion.

I really wished we were alone, but eventually Rose yelled at us to get a room and Emmett wolf whistled and I forced myself to remove my lips from Edwards.

"Hello sunshine," he said, grinning at me as I pulled back slightly to take in his truly breathtaking face. I ran my fingertips over his cheeks and jaw.

"Hey there rockstar," I managed to squeak out, vocal chords not working because I was experiencing sexual overload.

He smiled my favorite crooked smile and pulled me back to his body, setting me down as he enveloped me in his arms and buried his face in my hair. "Goddamn you are beautiful. I missed you so much."

I nodded into his chest and put my palms on the skin of his lower back under his shirt, just needing to be closer to his warmth. We were back in the love bubble and it felt so good.

We stayed that way for a long time and I could hear the other couples (and Leah and Seth) dissipating, murmuring their 'goodbyes' and 'I will see you tomorrows'. Finally the electricity was too much and I felt incredibly stupid for lingering with him in a public place for so long.

"Come on rockstar," I said, pulling away slightly. "Take me home."

I realized what had just come out of my mouth was quite contrary to my I am not moving in position, but in that moment I didn't really care enough to fight.

"Where is Nessie?" he asked as we made our way to where I had parked his Aston Martin. I knew after weeks on a bus he would want to drive his baby. He kept his arm around my shoulders and I leaned into him.

"At home. With Alice. She wanted to come but tomorrow is her last day of elementary school and it will not do for her to be out until the ass crack of dawn. "

"Yeah, I suppose you are right. I will just have to drive her to school in the morning."

I once again nodded my agreement being as I was having trouble forming words. Edward had leaned down to kiss my neck and we stumbled towards the car, groping each other like teenagers, making me giggle.

Edward legitimately squealed when we finally located the Vanquish. I couldn't help but laugh at his pleasure. Though Edward's wardrobe, house (minus the location), and Volvo were all understated, this car most certainly was not.

"You she devil, you," he said, kissing me quickly as he took the keys I was dangling from my hand. "You drove my car!'

Funny, he didn't sound even a little bit mad about it.

"I enjoyed it," I said, shrugging as he popped the trunk, stashed his large duffle, and I climbed into the passenger side seat.

"Plus this car is more practical," I continued when he joined me in the swanky vehicle.

"Practical?" he asked, shooting me a look that said he thought I had lost all sense. "You are calling the Vanquish practical?"

"Yes," I said, leaning over the gearshift, sliding one hand into his hair and the other up his thigh. "Tinted windows," I breathed, getting a power trip from the dazed look on his face and the newfound hardness in his lap. "No need to worry about prying eyes." I continued to let my gaze smolder him as I shamelessly fondled his crotch.

He exhaled a noise that I guess was intended to voice his agreement, but in actuality it was just incoherent mumbling.

"Close quarters," I went on, halfway over the gearshift, with my voice low. He still hadn't moved and I hoped I didn't break him with my seduction game. "No space between us."

I slowly unbutton his fly, popping the top and working my way down.

"Plus, there is something fuck all sexy about seeing you at the wheel of the beast," I breathed in his ear before I gave in to my perpetual urge to trace the line of his jaw with my tongue.

That did it and Frozenward's control snapped. With a growl he dragged me into his lap and I straddled his legs.

I laughed as my ass hit the horn but did nothing to distract Edward from his mission to get reacquainted with my body.

"Goddamn evil she devil," he muttered before he attacked my mouth.

He always tasted so yummy.

I laced my fingers into the hair on the back of his head and deepened the hard kiss. Our tongues tangoed as he fumbled with my shirt. I ground my lady bits into his woefully pant-contained cock and we both groaned at the delicious friction.

When my blouse was finally disposed of he pulled away from me to get a good look.

"Blue. Thank fuck today is a blue day," he murmured quietly.

We were both breathing heavily and I felt a rush of tenderness when I took in his familiar crazy sex hair. I smiled and kissed his forehead, which really did nothing to help either of us catch our breath.

His lips found my neck in the dim light offered by the near empty temporary parking garage as a talented hand caressed me outside of my now drenched panties.

I threw my head back and moaned. The car horn blared again and I jumped, scaring myself with the foreign sound. I laughed, feeling completely ridiculous. We were two grown ass individuals molesting each other in an ostentations vehicle.

"When was the last time you had car sex?" I asked, running my hands over his shoulders.

"Are we really having car sex then? Excellent." His reply was muffled being as his face was firmly buried between each of my breasts. His hot breath and day old stubble ticked and I giggled again, hoping I wasn't ruining the moment. "And not since I was about 17 and I was forced to take desperate measures to avoid the father of my girlfriend."

I laughed again, feeling downright gitty and sexy and loved and ridiculously turned on.

Edward leaned back in the soft leather seat and palmed each breast, smiling crookedly.

"Hello Bella's tits," he said, looking at them reverently. "Oh how I missed you. And as good as you look in that bra, I am thinking you could use a little breathing room."

His hands, gliding up my sides, made their way to the clasp on my back.

"Wait," I said, batting him away. His gaze flicked to my eyes for the first time since he started the absurd dialogue with my chest and he glared at me.

I laughed again at his childish pout and tugged on the hem of his v-neck.

"It's not fair," I whispered as he lifted his arms and chuckled. "We weren't even."

The second his head emerged from the shirt my bra was gone and Edward seemed to be weighing each in his hands. My nipples quickly hardened against his palms and I went back to quietly moaning as I ran my hands over his muscled back.

"Lovely," he said against my neck. He kissed me just behind my ear, causing me to shake a little before he worked his way down the column of my neck, humming in pleasure. I rocked my hips against him as we drove each other completely crazy.

He squeezed me as his lips replaced his hands, laving one nipple and then the other. My hands were back in his hair and my back arched, effectively crushing my tits into his face and setting off another round of the dual moaning.

I was very, very, extremely ready to have him inside me, but Edward wasn't done yet.

With great concentration, he licked and nipped and squeezed and sucked one and then the other, making sure each received equal attention. I whimpered and thrashed around a bit and was delirious with need before I decided enough was enough of this exquisite torture.

"Edward," I begged shamelessly, tugging on his boxers. "Please."

"Just following the spirit of evenness sunshine," he said as he lifted his hips from the seat and shimmed his pants and boxers down his thighs. I was pleased to hear that his voice was as breathy and needy and low as my own.

He pulled me against him so that our torsos were flush with one hand while the other ripped my underwear right off me.

I really liked it when he did that.

"So wet," he moaned as his fingers had me gasping.

"EDWARD," I begged, more insistent this time, really not wanting to come without him.

He kissed me then as he finally obliged me.

His hands on my hips guided himself into me, inch by slow inch. I whimpered in frustration and may have bit his lip harder then I should of as I used his hair to hold his face to mine. Finally we were connected as physically possible and the heat was coiling in my belly and my limbs were tingling.

I came embarrassingly fast making embarrassing sounds, crying out and digging into his shoulders and causing the stupid car horn to go off for what seemed like the zillionth time.

He gave me only a moment to recover before he started to move again, slow and deep.

Again and again.

Finally giving up a little control, he let me quicken the pace. He was groaning and breathing erratically and looking at me with the beginning of his come face, so I reached down to where we were joined.

Edward let out a wail so similar to that in several of his songs and I joined him, thrilled that I had two orgasms and he had only been in the state for less than an hour.

EPOV

"It's about time," Alice said when Bella and I entered the house.

I was dead on my feet and really did not have the strength to deal with all the energy that was Alice.

I awoke at the ass crack of dawn to a room smelling of ass crack thanks to my disgusting brother, to get to an interview with a music magazine. It was supposed to feature the whole band and focus on how our style and sound has changed over the years. The fucking bitch of a reporter instead asked me way too many personal questions that I refused to answer. I was becoming exceedingly frustrated and was ready to storm the fuck out of there when she final got back to business after Sam asked if he could be excused because he didn't feel like hearing about my love life.

Then it was off to a photo shoot for the same fucking stupid magazine. They pissed me off all over again when they wanted me up front and center with the rest of the band behind me in the distance. Emmett had saved the day on that one, claiming that he wasn't my back up dancer, and we ended up in some sort of group hug pose. They also made me change my green pants but whatever.

Next was an appearance at the Georgia Aquarium where we were doing something for charity I was told. We kissed a couple babies and signed a couple autographs but water reminds me of Bella and home so it wasn't bad. Plus whale sharks are fucking cool.

We ate some greasy ass food and were ushered to the local alternative rock radio station for a two hour, pre concert take over. We were billed as having total control of what played, which was true as long as we stuck to a radio friendly list. But even that wasn't too bad because we just fucked around and laughed a lot and basically treated listeners the Vampire Sunrise comedy hour.

I didn't really get why we had to do all this shit, the record had already gone platinum in weeks since it was released. I was perfectly happy with that but I was told we needed to push for more so that is what we were doing.

All I knew was that I found the whole thing unnecessary and exhausting and all I wanted to do was to get back to my girls.

Finally I was back in my element and we played a rocking show in the sweltering southern heat before we high tailed it out of there and hopped on a plane back to Cali.

I was pretty tired when I landed and I didn't sleep at all on the flight as planned because I was too geared up to get back to see Bella. I wasn't expecting her to accost me in the car but I sure as fuck enjoyed it.

Goddamn that was hot. Best welcome ever.

But needless to say, after all that, I really wanted Alice and Jasper to get the hell out of our house.

"Oh, I see what took you so long," Alice said as she got a good look at us.

I plopped down on the couch after ditching my duffle in the hall by the bedroom and closed my eyes. I never wanted to move again.

"Rumpled clothes, messed up hair, I bet you aren't even wearing underwear!" Alice continued to prattle and instead of annoying me, I found the familiarity of it comforting.

"I have no idea what you are going on about," said my beloved, joining me in the couch. My head found her shoulder and I pushed my nose into her neck, inhaling her Bella-ness. She put her arm around me and immediately started running her hand through my hair. I would have liked nothing more than to stay just like that for the rest of eternity.

"I can see a love bite on your collar bone. I bet the rest of you looks worse—"

"Alice, please," interrupted Jasper, shuttering dramatically. "I am far too visual of a person to be hearing all that."

"Fine, the point is that you owe me little sister."

"Owe you what exactly?" asked Bella, her fingers never ceasing their movement. Occasionally I felt her drop a kiss on my forehead or nose or temple. Half asleep already, I felt safe and warm and content.

"Babysitting time when I finally get this sucker out of me," replied Alice quickly. "Oh and you have to wear that white dress I bought you to commencement tomorrow."

"Deal. How was Ness? I am assuming you picked her up from school and everything," Bella asked.

"She is super nervous about tomorrow. But we bought a dress and she looks like such a little lady that I cried a bunch. She made me iron it 4 times, I was so proud. It was tough getting her to bed though she wouldn't stop practicing—OUCH! You can't kick me bitch, I am prego!"

"I hardly even poked you, drama queen, and Edward doesn't know. It is a surprise, remember?" Bella whisper yelled back.

"Oh right. I forgot. He is asleep anyway," Alice dismissed.

"Not asleep," I mumbled, forcing myself to open my eyes and prove it. "And does everyone know but me?"

"Yes," replied the three of them at the same time. I sighed and cuddled closer to Bella who kissed my forehead again.

"We should go," said Jasper, rising and bringing his wife with him. "Big day tomorrow for everyone."

Bella got up to and after pouting for a moment because her fingers were no longer in my hair, I followed suit. Bella hugged Alice then I hugged Alice as I whispered a thank you in her ear. Jasper moved to hug Bella then, and no matter how many times I witnessed it I was just as pissed off as always when he kissed her forehead. It was irrational and childish, but I wanted nobody's lips on her but mine. I was tempted to throw a temper tantrum, but I knew I would be out voted 1 to 3 so I kept quiet. Jasper and I said goodbye with silent, manly, head nods and as much as I wanted to kill him it pleased me that we seemed to be making progress towards friendship.

They were gone and I somehow found myself standing in the entryway, eyes closed and immobile.

"I was kind of hoping you would rather sleep in a bed. With me. But if you prefer by the front door…"

I opened my eyes to see Bella beaming in all her glory just inches from me. Goddamn I was happy to be home.

"Of course love," I said, grabbing her hand. "Lead the way."

I grabbed my bag and we proceeded to get ready for bed. It amazed me how seamlessly we slipped into a routine developed a decade ago. We moved around each other in the bathroom that was triple the size of the one we formerly shared in our first apartment. We made silly faces at each other in the mirror as we brushed our teeth and I smiled at all the feminine touches added since I was last there a month ago. Lotions and perfumes and some make up. There were even sunflowers on the window shelf.

She had totally moved in and I was elated.

I collapsed face first onto our bed, not even bothering to change or crawl under the covers. I fell asleep almost instantly, listening to Bella putter around in the next room, satisfied with the knowledge that she wasn't going anywhere.

_Why don't we do it in the road?_

_Why don't we do it in the road?_

_No one will be watching us,_

_Why don't we do it in the road?_

"Whyyyy?" I breathed out into Bella's hair as I pulled her tighter to my body. I didn't remember Bella getting into bed or getting under the comforter or taking my shirt off for that matter but I knew I much preferred being hunkered down in bed with my sexy soul mate then being awoken by the Beatles. "I once actually liked this song. Now it just means I have to let go of you."

"Hummmm," she said, pushing her typically cold nose into my shoulder and nodding after she pushed a button on the new iHome on the bedside table.

I closed my eyes again, letting my hands wander, once again loving that I was back to this routine. I encountered a whole lot of clothes on my exploration (well a t-shirt and panties but still) and huffed in half asleep frustration.

"Edward," she sighed when I slipped my hands in her underwear to massage her tight little butt. "I am sleeping."

"Me too," I replied without opening my eyes. I had no idea what time it was, but it was way too close to 3 am when I had gone to bed the night before. I needed at least 16 more hours to catch up. We both must have drifted off again because the next thing I knew, the Beatles were once again blaring in my ear.

"What the fuck time is it?" I snapped as Bella rolled out of my arms and turned off the alarm. Instead of coming back like I wanted her to, she sat up in bed and stretched her arms as she leaned against the headboard.

"Six," she replied.

"Why in the hell are we up so goddamn early? This is unacceptable. Unless it is to have morning sex, which I guess I will just have to put up with," I said, laying my head against her thigh, wrapping my arms around her waist, and burying my face in her stomach.

"Stop," she squealed, doubling over and causing my head to be the meat in a Bella sandwich. "That tickles."

Lovely.

I released her after a moment and turned so I could stare up at her as she stroked my hair.

"No morning sex then," I sighed. "Let's just go back to bed then. I need a few more hours before I can rock your world properly."

"I have to go to work," she said, snorting at me. No other woman could sound so sexy making a noise so closely associated with pigs.

"Skip it."

"No."

"Yes."

"I can't."

"Why the hell not?"

"I am taking off early for commencement already. I have so much to do this morning."

"Not important. Let's just go back to sleep."

She hit me on the backside of the head.

"Just because I don't have a multimillion dollar record contract doesn't mean my job isn't important," she was glaring now. With each new face she made, she just got cuter and hotter simultaneously.

"Sunshine," I said, attempting to placate her with my voice. "You know I didn't mean that. I just want to sleep with you in my arms a little bit longer."

I could tell she didn't want to want to smile.

"Just come back down here, just for a minute," I pleaded.

She sighed loudly like it was a big inconvenience for her but shuffled down in the bed and snuggled in next to me. I hummed happily and closed my eyes again, absently tracing designs on Bella's arm.

"Five minutes Edward," she said, not coming off nearly as stern as she wanted I was sure. "Then I have to shower."

I just nodded, already half way back to dreamland when the door burst open, my ears began ringing from the high pitched squeal, and Nessie's small frame slammed into me with surprising force.

"Daddy! Your home, your home, your home," she chanted as I returned her tight hug.

"That I am. I missed you baby girl," I chuckled into her hair.

"I missed you too Daddy! This is going to be the best week ever. It is summer and there is no school and we are going to go to the beach all day and Grandpa Charlie has been teaching me how to fish so we can do that. And I want to go surfing and swimming and boating and I am so excited!"

"Sounds good kid," I replied as I grinned at her. She talked a million miles a minute when she was excited. Or nervous.

"I am so glad you are here!"

"Me too. Did you really think I would miss the commencement of my favorite daughter?" I asked as I kissed her nose.

"I am your only daughter," she giggled back. "Good morning Mama," Ness said crawling over me to kiss her mother, effectively chocking me up slightly. I loved seeing them together.

"Good morning my big, practically all grown up daughter," Bella said, tears already gathering in her gorgeous eyes. Lord, and so it began. It was bound to be a long day if she was already crying. "Are you excited for today?"

Nessie paled considerably and simply gave one brief nod. It was so unlike my confident, life loving daughter that I momentarily panicked, convinced there was something really wrong. But Bella didn't seem as concerned as I was. She stroked our daughter's hair, looking sympathetic but not alarmed.

"Are you nervous sweetheart?"

Nessie nodded again before throwing the covers over her head and letting out a garbled wail. She wasn't really crying, just communicating her apparent distress in a very vocal manner.

"Nervous? About what? Going to middle school?" I asked, looking at Bella who shook her head.

"No, she is nervous about your surprise."

"MOM!" Nessie yelled, sitting upright and glaring at Bella. The resemblance between the two was striking and I never wanted to be caught in the middle of a dispute between them. "You promised not to tell him!"

"She didn't tell me Ness," I said, rubbing her back and trying to get her to calm down. "But you can fill me in if you want to talk about it."

"NO, NO, NO," she continued at an unnecessarily high decibel. "I want it to be a surprise."

"Ok, Ok, fine. A surprise it is," I said, a little alarmed at the early morning mood swings.

"Ness, Dad is going to take you to school this morning, ok? You better go get ready," Bella said, kissing Nessie's forehead before climbing out of bed, much to my vexation.

Nessie nodded, looking worried again, before she too abandoned the bed. Part of me was hoping we would all just hang out here all day. But alas, there were things to be done.

"Alice is going to pick you up after school and help you get ready at her house. Dad and I will see you at the school at 5, ok?'

"Ok Mom. I am really happy that you are back together now," she commented as she made her way to the open bedroom door. "And that you are in love just like everyone else's mommies and daddies. Hey, does this mean you will be getting married now?"

I should have been prepared for questions like this. Our Nessie was always one to say what was on her mind. Nessie was looking between the two of us who had effectively frozen. Bella was looking at our daughter in horror before she turned her pale gaze on me. Should I say what I really thought and wanted? Bella had always been skittish about marriage and I didn't want to freak her out but at the same time that was where this relationship was very obviously headed. The only down side I could think of was getting Nessie's hopes up. She would be devastated if it didn't work out. But it was going to work the fuck out. The alternative was unfathomable. We had been through too much to walk away now.

Aw, fuck it.

"I love your mother very much Ness and yes, I want to marry her someday. But right now things are crazy with the tour. We are just trying to get used to being together again. Ok?"

Ness smiled a shy, beautiful smile. "Ok," she said, before skipping off to get ready for the day. I returned her smile and was warm with happiness. Until I looked at Bella who was continuing to glare at me.

"Bella?" I ventured, wary now. "Are you doing ok sunshine?"

"I am fine," she snapped, obviously not fine. Bella was never the passive aggressive type and usually just came right out with what was bugging her. This would take some careful maneuvering.

"I love you?" I ventured, hoping this would make her happy but the words tumbled out of my mouth like a question and very obviously did nothing to improve her suddenly bleak mood.

"So you say," she retorted, beginning to make the bed with me still in it. "You are in the way."

I scrambled out of bed, moving quick to avoid further provoking this enraged Bella.

"Bella…" I began loitering awkwardly behind her clothed only in my boxers. "Is this about what I said to Ness? About wanting to marry you?"

"I don't know what you are talking about. I am fine." There was that fucking fine word again. It was way too early to deal with this confusing woman shit. Bella made the bed in jerking, efficient movements as I planned my next move.

"Cut the shit Bella. What is up?" I wish I would have done a slightly better job disguising the frustration and annoyance in my voice. She tried to get around me into the bathroom, but I blocked her way with my body. Even in her current pissy state I saw her eyes widen and glaze over at the sight of my mostly naked form. I imagined this tanned, tattooed, highly muscled body was quite different from the pale, scrawny one she was formerly acquainted with.

It was difficult not to get hard at the look on her face.

"I need to get ready for work Edward. I am already behind after leaving early to pick you up last night."

"You picked me up at 12:30 in the goddamn night."

"It is a very busy period at work. Publicity is a mess, we are acquiring a small record company based out of New York, and signing a whole bunch of new artists. If you want to spend any time with me at all this week you will stand the fuck aside at let me shower!"

Goddamn she was mad and her threats were enough to have me stepping aside, but didn't stop me from following her to the bathroom.

She roughly slammed the door to the small, closed off area that separated the toilet from the sinks, steam shower, and tub. I leaned against the counter and waited.

She emerged a moment later looking mad and vulnerable and really tired at the same time. I was surprised I hadn't noticed earlier, but Bella was exhausted. I immediately felt guilty that I allowed her to pick me up instead of just having a car service take care of it. But she didn't look like one bad night's sleep tired. She looked haggard and too thin.

A bit like me when most of my meals consisted of whiskey and cocaine.

I knew that work had been really hard for her in the month since I left and our story broke, but I had a feeling that she was down playing how bad it really was. I wanted to kill Charlie for letting her get like this.

Unless it wasn't work that had her sleep deprived and stressed. Maybe it was me. Maybe I was the problem and it wasn't working and she decided we weren't worth the fight.

I freaked out for a good 3 minutes as Bella moved around me to brush her teeth until I remembered that I was a grown up now. Bella and I's downfall had been communication once upon a time and I wouldn't let that happen again. I would be a grown up and just talk to her.

"Sunshine," I said, cupping her face in my hands and brushing my thumbs over the dark circles under her eyes. "What is this? Have you been sleeping?"

She looked up at me with those deep chocolate eyes that saw straight down to my soul and shook her head, no.

"Why not, baby?"

"I have been working a lot," she admitted, closing her eyes and sighing into my touch."Putting in really long hours. I am stressed and I don't see Nessie. And then when I finally do make it home, I crawl into bed and everything is just the same as it was. The gold comforter, the art deco lamps, the Van Gogh prints, the sketches Alice did, and that weird metal work bird we found at that flea market on the walls. I miss you so much I can't sleep."

"Bella…"

"It is not your fault, don't feel guilty." Her eyes snapped open and she scowled again, correctly interrupting my tone. "Things are just a little rough right now. I am fine, really."

I raised an eyebrow to express my skepticism but didn't push. She would confide in me when she was ready. Already she divulged more than I expected. Plus she was probably lying to herself and overestimating what she could handle.

"I really do need to shower now Edward," she said, pulling away from my hands on her face and eyeing me when I made no move to exit the bathroom. She turned on the shower and moved back to face me.

We had a staring contest. She obviously was waiting for me to leave and that obviously wasn't going to happen.

She sighed, shaking her head at me. "Fine, you can join me if you must. But no funny business."

Though I loved funny business and anything that involved a naked Bella, I wasn't actually planning on seducing her in the shower. I felt weird about it, what with Nessie wandering around the house, getting ready for the day. I honestly just didn't want there to be any physical distance between us.

She removed the t-shirt from her head (a grey one of mine that I forgot I owned) and smirked at me before tossing it directly in my face. I disposed of my boxers rather quickly and was under the stream of hot water. She tilted her face to the spray, closing her eyes and sighing as I gave her shoulders a quick massage. I was not pleased about all the goddamn tension I felt there.

"I love your shower," she groaned, marveling at the 4 shower heads. It was a bit excessive but it came with the house and fuck was I glad.

"Our shower," I murmured in response. But she ignored me, going on like I hadn't spoken.

"It is my favorite part of this house. Apart from your kitchen.'

"Our kitchen."

"And your floors, I really like the Spanish tile."

"Our Spanish tile."

"Oh, and the wood ceilings. They remind me of Colorado."

"Well I am glad you like our house sunshine being as you are living here now and all."

She just sighed, leaning back into me. I keep telling my dick that there would be no funny business, but he was listening to the feel of Bella's slick skin instead of the messages from my brain that scolded him for getting hard.

"I mean it, you know," I whispered in her ear as I pulled her close.

"I know," she replied, not even having to ask what the fuck I was talking about. "But did you really have to tell Ness that?"

"I didn't want to lie Bella," I replied. "She asked a very direct question."

Bella turned in my arms to look at me, but I kept my hands on her shoulders, not feeling quite right if I wasn't touching her somehow. I probably shouldn't have started this conversation when naked and wet and in the shower. Bella's body was very distracting.

"I don't want her to get hurt, if this ends badly," Bella admitted.

"Do you really think this is going to end at all?" The one good thing about this expression of doubt was that it instantly killed my boner.

"I sure as hell hope not," she replied, calming me slightly. "But if we do… It is going to be so hard anyway. I don't want to put Nessie through that. I don't think I will be able to live with myself if we break her heart. She has wanted this for so long."

"We all have wanted this for so long. And Bella, I think the damage was done that night at my concert. Her hopes are up. In her head, we are a family again. And frankly that's how it is in my head too."

"I am scared Edward," she admitted, burying her head in my chest. "I want it so bad."

"So do I sunshine. If you want it bad enough, which I think you do, and I want it bad enough, which of course I fucking do, then it will happen. That will be enough to overcome the hard times. Like now."

"What if it isn't that easy? What if you come back and we live together again and you realize you don't have the patience anymore to put up with me? What if we can't get over the past? I mean we already talked about the other people in our lives and that went as well as could be expected but we still haven't talked about you hitting rock bottom and recovery and all that. Not that there is anything I could hear that would make me not need you, but still." It felt like all my organs sunk to my feet and the thought of that coming conversation. "I thought we were going to take this slow? What happened to that?'

"Firstly, nothing is going to make me not need you either so just put those fears right the fuck out of your head. It is going to be fucking great when I get home in October. I have lived with you before and if anyone is putting up with anyone it will be you putting up with me. We are completely compatible. I mean look at how well we are dealing with this fight! We disagreed about how I handled something and we are talking about it like rational human beings. That would have never happened when we were young."

She laughed and nodded into my chest and I willed myself not to get hard.

"And this is taking it slow. To be honest if we were going at my speed, I would have eloped with you in Vegas by now."

"I am not ready to get married Edward. I want to, eventually. But right now I still need to gain some more trust in us as a couple."

"That's fine sunshine. I would gladly wait forever for you," I said sounding like one cheesy son of a bitch.

"I have totally moved in, haven't I?"

It was now my turn to laugh. Goddamn I loved this woman.

"Yeah, as horrible as it is to hear, you have totally fucking moved in."

"Well in that case," she said, kissing me quickly on the lips, once again sending me well on my way to hard on central. "Hello roommate."

"Roommate?" I scoffed, pushing her into the tile with my hips, pinning her with my arms. "Do roommates get to fuck each other's brains out?"

Some sort of sex switch was flipped in my head and I forgot about the ban on funny business and my extreme exhaustion and the fact that Bella had to go to work and I had to get Ness to school.

"Not when one is already late for work and the other has to take their daughter to work they don't," she said, grabbing a bottle of familiar smelling shampoo and wielding it like a fucking sword. I ducked and pivoted and swirled to avoid her basically nonexistent attack before slipping slightly and falling back into her body.

She stopped laughing like a lunatic only when I kissed her. It was the best way to get her to stop whatever she was doing. I slipped my tongue in her hot mouth and she nipped at my bottom lip and holy fuck it was just so good. Though she let me kiss her quite thoroughly, when my fingers tip toed down the side of her neck on their way to their two favorite play things, Bella made me stop.

"No funny business Cullen," she breathed, her voice far too sexy for the sex stopping words coming out of her mouth.

I sighed and glared at her, knowing that she was right.

"You promised," she said, once again reaching for the shampoo and squirting a bit into her palm.

Everything she did was dirty to me.

She shampooed my hair and I shampooed her hair and she let me grope her a little before we finally had to exit. I wrapped a towel around my hips before grabbing another. I used it to pull Bella's body back to mind. With the towel around her shoulders and kissed her breathless. Again.

The way she made me feel, loved and tender and protective and like a fucking rockstar. She in believed me, made me want to be a better man, inspired me in unimaginable ways. I wanted to keep her safe and make her happy. Her pain was my pain. Her joy was my joy.

I loved her, and even more remarkable, she loved me back.

She touched my chest and smiled up at me and everything I needed in the world was right there under our roof.

I didn't want to let her out of my sight. Lingering feels of un worth from my childhood still plagued me and a irrational part of me feared that she would be gone, that I had finally lost my marbles and imagined her back into my life.

Bella started to get ready for the day. She finally got annoyed with my clingy behavior and kicked me out of the bathroom after I attempted to dry her hair for her with another towel.

I threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and marveled at the sight of her clothes hanging next to mine.

Alice was going to be fucking pissed that Bella ruined her organizational masterpiece.

I made my way to the kitchen, taking in the subtle differences as I went. There were flowers and live potted plants carefully placed. I was pretty sure that the large rug in the living room had been replaced with something colorful and artistic and just so Bella. There were books casually laying about, both Bella's and Nessie's. There was a set of watercolors and a few stuffed animals and several board games. There was a pair of tiny, stylish shoes left in the middle of the kitchen floor.

It looked lived in.

I then opened the fridge and just about passed out.

It was full of delicious things, cheese and fruit and a plethora of leftovers. I stared at it in shock for a moment before I tried to figure out what the fuck to eat. It all looked so good. Bella's food was the best but after living of greasy fast food for the last month, it was Tupperware contained divinity.

Nessie emerged 10 minutes later all primped up like a mini Alice. She wasn't wearing any make up or anything, but her hair was carefully curled and that was a skill she could have only learned from one of her aunts. And I highly doubted pragmatic Rosalie had taken the time to give that particular lesson.

"Dad, what are you doing?"

"Eating," I replied. I was seated at the kitchen table surrounded by 6 different dishes. I had not been able to pick just one, deciding to sample them all, and hadn't even bothered to remove them from their containers.

"You are so weird," she said, hopping up onto the counter to grab a bowl from the high cabinets. I would have rushed over to assist (I perpetually lived in fear that she was going to get hurt) but she was back down and getting a box of cereal before any decisions formed fully. "You aren't supposed to have pasta and salmon and Indian food and yams for breakfast."

"Who says?" I asked through a mouthful of life changingly good eats. I remembered I was a role model and swallowed before continuing. "And what have I told you about being weird."

"I little weridness never hurt anyone," she replied. "Different doesn't mean bad."

"Good girl."

We sat and ate in silence which was abnormal because usually I would ask her one question and she would be off, filling me in on every detail of her life since the last time we talked. But I kept asking questions and she kept giving me single word answers. I noticed she was biting her lip, just like her mother.

"Are you sure you are ok Nessie?"

"Yes."

"You don't have to do whatever it is you are going to do tonight."

"I want to," she yelled, alarmed and wide eyed. "You are going to like it. Promise."

The silence continued and it made me real uncomfortable being as it was so rare when Ness was around. Bella appeared then looking shocking professional and equally sexy with straight hair. She was wearing a grey sleeveless blouse tucked into a tight black pencil shirt paired with insanely high heels. They were shinny and I was momentarily entranced by them until I realized that everyone would see her like that, not just me.

"Aren't you showing too much skin," I asked as she grabbed a yogurt from the fridge and filled a travel mug with the coffee I brewed.

She held up a matching jacket without even bothering to look up from the sugar she was adding to her drink.

This pacified me somewhat but I still wasn't happy about it.

She snapped the lid on her drink before she rounded the breakfast bar and started laughing.

Again.

I was certainly providing her with a lot of entertainment this morning. Though I glowered at her and tried to muster up a little indignation, I loved making her laugh. It was musical proof that being with me brought her joy.

"You are just too cute," she said, pushing her fingers through my hair and leaning down to kiss me. She tasted all minty and clean and Bellaish.

"Not cute," I complained. "Manly. Manly, and tough."

This had Bella laughing all over again so I was forced to kiss her again to reassert some of my masculinity.

"Gross," Nessie said from across the table, causing Bella to pull away from me, much to my displeasure.

"Nessie, I hope and I pray that you will continue to think that kissing is gross until you are at least 35," I said.

"It is yucky. Mommy never did that with Jake," she grumbled into her cereal.

Bella grimaced and shrugged at me. I fluctuated between pissed off that there had ever been a Bella and Jake and thrilled that they were never all that affectionate.

"Well, I am off," Bella said, glancing at her watch. She leaned over Nessie to kiss her forehead and whisper something in her ear that had our daughter smiling and giggling. "And Ness, you are going to have to put up with a little more yuckiness because I am going to kiss your father goodbye."

And then she did, cradling my jaw. I really was not happy when she pulled away, gave us a little wave, and exited the building.

An hour later, after dropping off a slightly more chipper Nessie at her last day of elementary school ever, I was back at the house. I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself, so I just went back to bed, thrilled that it smelled just like Bella for the first time in 8 years.

My phone was ringing and I groaned in frustration. It was only 10:30. The universe just did not want me to sleep. That was a goal for this week, sleeping a full, uninterrupted 8 hours in a row. Though this took a motherfucking backseat to my number one bed related goal of being inside Bella as much as physically possible.

"Hello," I murmured, realizing that is was the home line. Only a select few called the home line and I hoped it was Bella.

"Edward?"

I dropped the phone in my surprise, freaking out for a few seconds before deciding that I had to be wrong about the person on the other line. It had been a long fucking time and I was probably just mistaken. I cautiously raised the phone to my ear.

"Hello? Edward? Are you there? Fuck."

Yup, it was definitely who I thought it was.

"Chief, uhh… I mean Char— Mr. Swan?" I said, disbelieving.

"Edward, I need you to come downtown to the office," he said, his voice clipped and impatient.

"Sure. Yeah. I guess," I stammered. Why the fuck? For one crazy second I thought maybe the rumors were true and Charlie really was trying to get us to sign with him. "Can I ask why?"

"Bella passed out," he said bluntly.

I don't think I ever put pants on that quickly in my life. I was mostly dressed and stalking around the kitchen trying to locate a set of keys in a matter of seconds.

"Why? Is she alright? Why isn't she at a hospital?"

"She claims she is fine and refuses to go anywhere."

"Dad, don't be dramatic," I heard Bella snap in the back ground. The sound of her voice did a lot to calm me down but it still felt like my heart was going to fly right on out of my chest. "You are probably really freaking him out."

"I am on my way Charlie," I said, slamming the door to the Volvo and speeding out of my driveway.

What seemed like an eternity later, I was stalking in to Swan, ignoring the receptionist who told me I wasn't allowed to enter the executive suite without an appointment, and attempting to locate a familiar face. The whole trip those pesky what ifs were plaguing me and by the time I arrived, I had convinced myself that Bella was drying of malaria.

"Angela?" I asked, perplexed. At first I was mistaken about this high school flashback, but it was definitely her. And she looked good, grown up and confident. I knew she married my childhood friend Ben and even had a couple kids. But it had been years since I had seen either of them. I had lost touch with everyone post Bella.

"Edward!" she said, smiling and hugging me quickly, an action that really shocked me.

"Where is she?"

"Charlie's office," she said, nodding in the opposite direction. "Through those doors."

"Thanks." It probably would have been polite to ask about her life or offer to catch up or some shit, but I was way too concerned and Bella focused to worry about pleasantries.

I basically sprinted to Charlie's door and then froze like the goddamn pussy I am when my hand reached the handle. The man freaked me out. Record companies freaked me out. Bella passing out freaked me out.

I was really fucking freaked out.

But I took a deep breath and knocked once before entering. Bella was lying on the leather couch on the side of the office glaring at her father who was glaring right back.

"Ah Edward, we were just discussing—" the chief started from his chair across from my beloved as I bounded over to Bella and crouched by her head, grabbing her hands.

"CHARLIE!" she bellowed, cutting him off and flying into a seated position far to quickly for someone who had just passed out. "Be quiet, will you?"

"Bella, whoa, don't over exert yourself or anything," I said, studying her intently for any signs that she wasn't well. Though she was pale and tired looking, she seemed otherwise unscathed. "We don't want you passing out again."

"I am fine Edward," she said, turning her glare on to me, crossing her arms over her chest, and refusing to lie back down on the couch.

"You passed out!" I said, getting a little high pitched and hysterical.

"It was only for a second and Charlie caught me. I forgot to eat breakfast. And dinner. I hadn't eaten since yesterday around 11 and it just caught up with me. Plus I am pretty tired and dehydrated. But really, I had some cracker and some water and I really would like to get back to work."

"Work, you should be in the motherfucking hospital!" I exclaimed.

"We had a deal Bella," Charlie said and I whipped my head around to look at him.

"Deal? What deal? The sort of deal that doesn't make her go to the hospital, because I don't like that," I said a little too harshly.

"Well maybe if you hadn't kept her up all night doing who knows what this wouldn't have happened," Charlie seethed. I didn't even have to look at Bella to know that she was blushing furiously.

"Well maybe if you didn't have her working 15 hour days for the last month, this wouldn't have happen," I retorted.

"I couldn't agree more Edward," Charlie replied, shocking the hell out of me. "Which is why I called you to take Bella home. Now."

"Don't I get any say in this?" Bella said.

"No," Charlie and I replied in unison.

"You need to get some sleep before Ness's thing tonight," I said, turning back to Bella and rubbing her arms. "If we cart you off to the hospital you won't get to go at all."

"Fine," she huffed, slowly getting to her feet. Charlie and I both rose with her, each attempting to take hold of one of her arms to help her.

"Stop mother hening me," she said, baiting away our hands. At least she let me gather her purse and carry the shoes as I escorted her from the building.

Bella was silent in the car ride. I wanted to scream at her for being so careless with her health. She was such a caretaker of other people but really did not do a good job with herself. But she closed her eyes and seemed to be dozing and I didn't want to wake her.

We pulled into the driveway and I parked the car and she didn't show any signs of life. The caveman part of me was pleased because that meant I got to carry her in. I liked doing things for her and she so rarely let me.

She was one independent woman, my Bella.

I gently pulled her into my arms, frowning at how light she was.

"Edward," she murmured into my neck, her arms coming around my shoulders. "I can walk you know."

"I am well aware," I said as I kissed her temple. Though her words said otherwise, I was pretty sure she was enjoying this as much as I was because she snuggled closer to me. "But I like this form of transportation much better."

She hummed in agreement and nibbled on a particularly sensitive spot on my neck, causing me to stumble slightly as I made my way to our bedroom.

"Bella…" I half admonished, half groaned.

"Take me to bed Edward," she demanded and my pace involuntarily increased.

"It is bed time sunshine," I told her. "Not sex time."

I placed her reverently on her side of the bed and crawled over her to lie down too.

"But we have only had sex once since you have been home," she pouted, causing me to smirk.

"I have been home less than 12 hours," I replied, pulling her into the nook. She laid her head on my shoulder and sighed.

"Please?" she asked, almost making all my resolve crumble. Almost.

"An hour ago you passed out at work. No, we are sleeping now. Big night tonight and all that."

"'K," she muttered through a yawn. Her lack of argument was a testament to just how tired she really was.

She fell asleep almost instantly and I joined her soon after, content now that she was in my arms.

"Stop fidgeting," Bella whispered in my ear as we made our way to the football field where the 5th grade commencement ceremony would take place.

"I am not fidgeting," I replied, abruptly dropping my fingers from my collar at her words. How did she know I was fidgeting? She wasn't even looking at me. Her eyes were on the stands, craning her neck and looking for a sign of our family in the stands. After napping pretty much all day, making sure Bella ate at least 3 meals worth of food, and getting dressed, we arrived at the school half an hour early to find decent seats. "I really do feel sorry for these poor, not rockstar bastard," I said, gesturing to the dads in the surrounding area.

"And why is that?" she asked, spotting our family and dragging me towards our seats.

"Because they all have to dress all nicely in suits every goddamn day. At least I only have to wear this. Alice forbid me form ever wear a suit off a red carpet because I need to look anti establishment."

"You are in a white button up and a skinny black tie. You don't exactly look punk rock."

Bella looked breathtaking in a white dress with a flowy skirt that reached about mid thigh. Did I mention it was white? The color of wedding dresses? I think Alice was trying to torture me.

"Well you look gorgeous," I said, kissing her quickly and keeping an arm around her shoulders. I suppose my behavior could be considered hovering, but I was terrified that she was just going to keel over on me. Though she seemed to be feeling perfectly fine now, several hours ago she had passed out at work and I would not forget it.

We reached the family then, front row center, taking up a whole lot of space. If they were this enthusiastic about 5th grade commencement I couldn't imagine the spectacle they were sure to make when Ness actually graduated.

In typical loud fashion everyone greeted us. Most were grinning and I was pretty smiley myself. It was the first time we were all together in a long time.

Charlie was on the far end, leaning forward so he could talk to Carlisle. Kathleen and Esme were between them whispering and giggling and smiling at us. Emmett and Rose sat next to our parents and seemed to be bickering about something. We took our seats next to Jasper and Alice, chatting while I waited impatiently.

I really wanted to know the surprise.

Eventually things got started and the 5th graders filled in. We all smiled and clapped when Nessie walked across the make shift stage, looking nervous in a green dress that somehow managed to be fun and elegant and age appropriate at the same time. Colin followed later with the rest of the S's and he looked like a mini, blond version of Charlie.

It was semi alarming that there were two of them in the world.

All the kids were herded into bleachers on the stage and forced to sing sugary power pop kids songs. My personal favorite was a catch little ditty aptly named entitled 'We Rock'. I saw Ness grimace every time she sang the chorus and dutifully did the accompanying hand motions. I chuckled at my daughter, she was a total music snob, just like me.

The principal was introduced and commenced to give a long-winded speech on growing up. I wondered if it made me a bad dad that I was so not interested in what this woman had to say. I mean, she was making it sound like they were all done with their education and would be soon going out and getting careers and shit. The middle school was literally less than 100 feet away, a fact the principal seemed to be ignoring.

It was just cliché after cliché with this woman.

I stopped feeling bad when I noticed that half the students were on the verge of sleep and the other half were trying to keep themselves entertained by looking anywhere but their principal.

Finally, when I was twitchy form boredom and anticipation for Nessie's surprise, the principal stopped talking. Much to my disappointment she was replaced with Ness's bitch of a whale of a teacher.

"Thank you so much Ms. Humphrey for those truly inspirational words." It was hard work not rolling my eyes at that one. "As you well know, at Fairfax Elementary we foster individuality and encourage the children to pursue their talents and interests. And no one does more pursuing then our student performer for the evening." I glanced over at a beaming Bella, pretty sure I had figured out the surprise. "It is my pleasure to introduce the president of guitar club and lead soloist in the 5th grade choir, Vanessa Cullen."

My hand tightened on Bella's knee as Nessie walked towards a stool, guitar in hand, to the thunderous applause of her crazy relatives. She gave Bella and me a shy smile and a jerky wave that we returned.

Bella grinned at me and I am sure I looked equally pleased and excited.

"Hi." Nessie spoke into the mic in a timid voice I barely recognized. "My name is Nessie and I am going to sing 'Good Riddance' by Green Day because it is the best song off the list of songs I had to choose from."

The audience chuckled lightly at this, especially after all that foster the individual crap, and Ness looked momentarily alarmed by the laughter. But then she realized that she wasn't being laughed at and it seemed to give her a confidence because she dove right in.

She was better than Bella and I combined. Times 50.

I had heard my daughter sing before and I had heard her play before, but she had grown into her voice in the few weeks I had been away it seemed. Plus, performing for a crowd changes things.

She had it, that thing that separated the real deal from the soulless musical imposters. The passion was discernable in her voice along with a purity only equitable with angels. She commanded attention of the entire audience and I sat in enraptured. Despite the occasional missed note or fumbled cord, she committed. The untrained quality of her voice only made the performance more raw and relatable. She somehow managed to change the melancholy song with not very nice lyrics into something light and hopeful.

I didn't think I had ever been prouder.

And I wasn't the only one. All the woman folk were openly weeping. (Minus Rosalie who doesn't even count as a human if you ask me) Charlie looked like he wanted to give his only (for now) granddaughter a record deal on the spot while I heard Emmett announce to several parents sitting around us 'that's my niece'.

Raising Ness had really been a team effort. We needed all the help we were offered when she was first born and it was heartwarming to see that her support system was still intact.

Nessie belting out Green Day at 5th grade commencement was the best surprise ever.

I, along with the rest of the family, was on my feet the moment she finished, giving her a standing ovation because, yes, she was that good.

She was smiling like crazy and bowing excitedly and really hamming it up. I was glad to see my happy, energetic daughter was back after she got over the fears of her first big solo performance.

The rest of the ceremony went pretty quick after that. Each student's name was called and they walked across the stage to get their certificates of completion and other various awards. Nessie got about 8 different pins for all of the activities she was involved in. She really was good at everything.

Then we were dismissed and we wandered down onto the field to meet the graduates. The second Nessie neared I swept her up into my arms.

"You are a freaking rockstar!" I yelled, spinning her in a circle. "Where did you learn to perform like that?"

I set her down and kissed her cheek before straightening and waiting for an answer.

"From you silly!" she said, throwing her arms around my waist again. "Were you surprised? I hope you were. I knew you would like it!"

"I loved it. You were damn good."

"Thanks. Mom and Alice have been practicing with me," Nessie said, releasing me and bounding over to her mother.

So Bella was working 15 hour days and helping Nessie prepare for this performance? When did the woman sleep? I moved closer to Bella as the two embraced, wary that she would randomly faint again.

Nessie worked her way down the line, hugging everyone within reach.

"How are you feeling?" I asked as I slipped an arm around her shoulders.

"To happy and proud and sad to be mad at you for hovering obnoxiously," she said as I leaned down to whip a tear from her cheek. "Our little girl is growing up so fast!" she wailed, turning and burying her face in my chest.

I made comforting noises and stroked her hair.

"I know sunshine, kids tend to do that. I don't like it anymore then you do. But we raised a pretty good egg, if I don't say so myself." I could see both Jasper and Charlie glaring at me, like they thought I was the reason for Bella's tears.

I couldn't even be mad at them about it because it pleased me so much that she had someone looking after her when I didn't.

She nodded and pulled away slightly, fanning her eyes in an attempt to dry them without any make up damage.

"I know. I feel ridiculous for crying like this."

"Don't," I replied simply.

After a half an hour of hugs and chatting and picture taking, the party relocated to la case de Swan and we were running late. Nessie insisted that we stop off at home to get a swimsuit. Though she had one at Charlie's, apparently it wasn't party appropriate and there was a very specific one she had in mind.

Sometimes she was a mini Alice and it terrified me.

But the allusive perfect party swimsuit was not at our house either so we had to drive to Bella's old place. This was fine by me. I was in no rush to get to this party with all these people and the more stuff that was removed from that house the better.

By the time we arrived, most of the 45 guests were already milling about poolside, eating and drinking and laughing. There were kids everywhere and the only people I really knew were the ace gang and the band. It didn't really matter, I would be sticking close to Bella all night in case she had another health scare.

Who the fuck was I kidding? Passing out incident or no, I would always stick close to Bella.

Nessie immediately ran off to play with a group of her girlfriends when we rounded the house and entered the pool deck. Alice greeted us first and she didn't look too happy.

"Don't freak out," she told us both before disappearing back into the house, helping play hostess.

Lord, what now? Would Bella and I never get a break? When would we get some easy motion? What could we possibly freak out about at this 5th grade commencement blow out?

Bella saw him before I did and I felt her tense at my side. I followed the path of her eyes and tried to listen to Alice's advice.

It was proving very difficult being as I was looking right into the smirking face of Jacob motherfucking goddamn Black.


	25. Chapter 25

I was past the point of exhaustion, so tried that I didn't even feel tired anymore. And though I had been functioning on little to no sleep for the last month, this morning it was particularly bad. I slept deeper and harder in Edward's arms then I had in a long time, yet it was nowhere near enough and my mind screamed in protest when my alarm went off.

The protest in my head was not near as loud as Edward's verbal protest and it didn't take much convincing for me to snuggle back into bed. Five more minutes couldn't hurt.

But then I didn't even get that because Nessie stormed in, obviously tense about her upcoming performance, asking questions I didn't have the answers too. It was incredibly frustrating and confusing, navigating back into a relationship with Edward. I really didn't want Ness involved. I was terrified of not meeting her expectations somehow and I didn't want to get her hopes up. My hopes were high enough for the both of us. I didn't think I could take on her hurt and my own if we were to fail.

I probably wouldn't have gotten so bitchy with Edward if I had those extra five minutes of sleep, but he knew just how to deal with me. He reassured me and understood me and turned me on and made me laugh.

The thought of marriage still made me wary and I would need to make sure I was ready before taking the big plunge. I wish I could have been like Edward, but I worried that if we rushed into marriage it would ruin us.

It was against my will that I finally made it out the door for work. Edward had done a good job of driving me crazy, making me want him every time I turned around. I wanted to cry when I thought about all the hours between now and when I would finally be able to have him at the end of this very long day. It was sure to be an emotionally draining one, between the chaos that was work, the sorrow I felt when I realized that my little girl was not so little, and socializing with the mass of people Kathleen thought should celebrate the end of elementary school.

I was swamped, busier than even I anticipated. I was on my fourth cup of coffee and hadn't found the time to eat my yogurt when I set off to meet with Charlie around 10:15. It seemed that I rose from my desk a bit to quickly because all the blood rushed to my head and I saw spots. After steadying myself with the back of my chair, the moment passed and I figured I was fine though I should probably eat the second I left Charlie's office.

Did I eat dinner last night? I couldn't for the life of me remember.

My attention waned during my strategy secession with my dad. I was just so tired and I needed to eat something and I think I had too much coffee too quickly because I was not feeling right.

"Bella?" my dad said, sounding annoyed. "Are you listening to me?"

I nodded, focused, managed to be an active participant in the discussion, and finally he dismissed me. My stomach was demanding my attention and I planned on inhaling my yogurt at super human speed before jumping on my next call.

But then I stood and the vertigo was even worse this time and the black spots in my vision seemed to mold together into one mass, completely obscuring my sight.

I came to a second later, opening my eyes to Charlie's panic face.

"Whoa, Bella, what the hell happened?" he asked as he led me over to his couch.

"Nothing. I am fine.'

It was like I hadn't spoken and he insisted I lie on my back.

"What do you need? Should I call 911?"

"Don't be absurd Dad, there is no need to call anyone. I just need some water and something to eat and I will be fine."

He returned a moment later with my yogurt, some crackers, and a tall glass of water.

"Thanks Dad," I said as I took the goodies from him, digging in. I was suddenly ravenous.

"I am taking you to the hospital," he decided, pulling over a chair to sit near my feet.

"No. No way. It is completely unnecessary."

"You at least need to go home and rest."

"Dad you know I can't do that. There is too much to get done and I want to get caught up so I can take at least half a day off next week."

"I am calling Edward," he said, reaching for the phone and asking his secretary to get Edward's home number as I groaned.

"He is going to completely flip out."

"As he should."

Charlie turned to me after a brief and stilted conversation in which he convinced Edward (easily I might add) that was in need of a ride home. It was ridiculous. I felt fine now that I had some food in my belly.

There was going to be no living with Edward after this.

"I don't think it would be hard to get Edward to strong arm you to the hospital," Charlie said, trusting the crackers back at me and demanding that I eat more after I took a quick cat nap.

I rolled my eyes. "Why aren't you listening to me? I am fine now. I just hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday. I don't need to go anywhere but back to work."

"You have been working yourself to death Bells," he said, angry all over again. "Look at you! And I have let you but I am done putting the company first especially now that it is a health risk!"

"Dad, you are being dramatic—"

"Cut the shit Bella," he said in a way that indicated just how serious he was. "Here is the deal. You need time off. You haven't taken a vacation in years and this month you have been putting in crazy hours."

"I just do what needs to be done—"

"HEY!" he yelled, causing me to cower. "I am talking and you are listening. You work too much and as your boss I am saying that it can't continue. I am assigning you mandatory vacation time." I really had something to say about that but kept my lips firmly pressed together. I hadn't received a good verbal lashing from the chief since high school and even then it was rare. It was making me feel very young and very stupid. "Effective immediately you are not to set a foot in this office nor are you to participate in any work related tasks without my direct permission. And if you don't agree then I am convincing your boy that you need to go straight to the emergency room."

"How long is this mandatory vacation?" I asked, snorting at the absurdity.

"When does Nessie go back to school?" he asked, looking thoughtful.

"Mid September?" I guessed, thrown by his question. "I don't know the exact date. Why?"

"That will be your first day back. Nessie's first day of school." He nodded his head once as if the matter was closed while I gapped at him in shock.

"How? What…. I can't… the company. Charlie, what will you do without me?" I was a little offended he didn't value my contribution more then to think he could get on without me.

"It will be a struggle but we will manage. I have been interviewing to hire a new VP for weeks so that will help. Angela is good and will need to step it up. And I really don't want you working for the next few weeks, but after that mandatory vacation really means working remote."

As appealing as that sounded, I was still minorly offended.

"But—"

"No buts Isabella," he said, waving off my protests. "You are my little girl and you need to take care of yourself. And… and it will be really good for your family."

Again, I gapped at him in shock. He wanted me to go with Edward. On tour. My father wanted me to take my daughter and live with Edward in the back of a bus for the next two and a half months. It was perfect. The best possible solution. It would mean that there would be no goodbye at the end of the week.

But then I had a bad thought. What if it wasn't what Edward wanted? I couldn't impose on the band, I didn't want to get in the way of Edwards life.

And just then the man himself entered the room and I couldn't think about all Charlie was saying now. I would have to think long and hard about how to best approach the subject with Edward and now was not the time.

So I cut Charlie off and let Edward take me home and pouted slightly when my half hearted seduction techniques failed. But I was really so tired that sleep was rather appealing, especially because I was doing it curled up with Edward.

The commencement ceremony was as bitter sweet as I originally envisioned. Nessie sang so beautifully prideful tears poured out of me. She really did get the best of both Edward and I. One glance at his face confirmed that he was feeling everything I was feeling.

I didn't recall ever feeling closer to them, more like a family.

One mini break down and a great hunt for a swimsuit later, and we arrived at the party. I was still floating around, extremely happy that I was with all the people that mattered. Edward was perpetually touching me, half because he was fretting over my well-being and half because he just wanted too. Nessie was chattering away, exultant and relieved now that her first performance was over.

I was smiling genuine smiles, despite the stress of my job and passing out and my doubts about going on tour with Edward. I didn't think anything could change my elated mood.

But then I saw Jake.

I had not heard from him since our dramatic parting more then a month prior. It surprised me, to be honest. Though I was completely done and over our brief affair, I thought Jake would need more closure. There still seemed to be things left unsaid between us, but I didn't contact him.

I didn't think he wanted to hear another round of apologies.

Rarely had I thought of Jake since the break up. And when I did it was with regret and guilt. He didn't deserve to be treated in that way, despite his flaws. I was eternally grateful for his friendship and I lamented the loss of him from my life.

That being said, I really didn't want to deal with this yet.

My first instinct was to try to distract Edward, to pretend like Jake was not encroaching on our love bubble, and to act as if he wasn't even there. But then Jake turned to me and we made eye contact. He was trying to look ambivalent and disconnected, but his attempt at superiority just looked sad to me.

Again, the guilt was just about unbearable.

I wondered what he had to say and hoped I would get another chance to tell him that I was sorry I hurt him. And to thank him for being such a good friend to me. Not that we could ever get back there, but I hoped he knew I did value him.

Then I felt Edward tense at my side and growl, pulling me closer to him seemingly subconsciously.

"What the fuck is he doing here? Did you invite him? Did Ness want him here?" he snarled in my ear, not taking his eyes off Jake who was returning Edward's glare.

"I am sure he was invited before we broke up. Kathleen has been planning this party since March," I sighed in response. I hoped Edward wouldn't be too much of an asshole about this.

"Do you think this is your father's fucking doing?" he asked again, not relaxing or moving in the slightest as he realized that Jake was chatting with my dad.

I thought about my conversation with Charlie and how he was practically forcing me to spend the summer at Edward's side.

"No. Charlie knows that the good ship, SS Jacob Black has sailed. He accepts this Edward."

He just growled again in response.

"Would it ruin the party if I just stalked over there and punched him in his smirking mouth?"

"Yes. And he is not smirking. I think he looks nervous."

"Whatever, I don't fucking want to deal with his bullshit."

"Edward, you have to be nice," I lectured.

"NICE! He has fucking seen you naked! How the fuck do you expect to me to be nice to a man who has seen you naked?" he asked, turning his shocked gaze on to me. I put a hand on his chest and was glad he relaxed slightly and covered my hand with his.

"Please keep in mind that technically he is the wronged party. I cheated on him! I left him for another man," I explained, getting a little panicky about having the two of them within ten feet of each other.

"But… what… But… I had you first!" he defended petulantly.

"And you have me now. So we are going to take the high road," I said, resisting the urge to laugh at him as he sputtered unintelligibly.

"Aw fuck, he is fucking coming over here. What the fuck do we do now? Why the fuck is he even here? What the fuck could he possibly have to say? If one thing I don't like comes out of his goddamn mouth I am going to motherfucking attack this motherfucker. God fucking dammit—"

I elbowed Edward in the ribs to get him to stop his tirade before Jake got into hearing distance. Jake stopped a few feet from us and Edward put his arm possessively around my shoulder as we turned to face my former boyfriend.

"Cullen," Jake greeted in clipped tones.

"Black," replied Edward, sounding dangerous.

We all stood in awkward silence for a minute and I tried to casually put some distance between Edward and myself. He was all up on me and I was not digging his macho crap.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Edward snapped, finally breaking the silence but doing nothing to alleviate the tension.

"I was invited, asshole," Jake replied coolly, arms crossed over his broad chest.

"Well I am revoking your goddamn invitation—"

"Enough," I whispered to Edward before turning back to Jake. "Of course you are welcome Jake. Nessie wants you here, I am sure."

Edward growled again but was ignored as Jake finally turned his gaze onto me.

"So you two are official again," Jake sneered. "Isn't that just sweet. Real fucking romantic, the drug addict and the lying cheat."

Edward took an abrupt step forward and I tugged hard on his arm to keep him from attacking Jake.

"What do you want Jacob? If you are just here to insult us, we are going to have to reschedule. I am kind of trying to enjoy my daughter's party here," I said, equally as mad as Edward. Part of me left like I deserved Jakes harsh words and anger, but I was really so happy before he popped up and I blamed him entirely for fucking up my high spirits.

Jake closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and focused on me once again.

"I am sorry Bells, I promised myself I wasn't going to get angry. I really want to talk to you about something though… alone." He did look apologetic and I quickly remembered that he was the victim, I was the cheater, and if he wanted to talk, I owed him that.

"Aw fuck no," Edward grumbled, once again pulling me tight to my chest.

"Edward…" I said, trying to pacify and scold him at the same time. "Give Jake and me a minute, ok?"

"No,"

"Edward." The warning was clear in my voice.

He sighed dramatically and turned to face me, putting his body between me and Jake. "Five fucking minutes Isabella. If you are not back in my arms by then I won't be held responsible for the death and dismemberment that follows."

I rolled my eyes and nodded. Edward kissed me in parting, longer and harder then he would have normally, but I guess a little pee on the tree was to be expected. When I finally had enough and shoved him away, I couldn't help but smile.

Being with him just made me so happy, even when I was the tree.

But then I glanced back to Jake and felt guilty all over again. "Jake, I really am so sorry," I said quietly. "You didn't deserve what I did to you. I don't know if you even realize what a good friend you were to me. I am so grateful that you were in my life."

"Wow, using the past tense now are we?" he asked, smiling sadly.

I just nodded, not really knowing what else to say or what he even wanted.

"Fuck. Bella don't be sad. You look so upset. I didn't come here to make you feel bad," he said, obviously frustrated.

"I do feel bad though. I should have never cheated on you like that." I should have never agreed to date him in the first place, but I kept this thought to myself, not wanting to hurt him further.

Jake sighed again and we were silent for another moment.

"You know, we really weren't a very good couple."

It was not what I was expecting to hear and I didn't know what else to do but agree.

"I took me a long time to figure out but we really just didn't fucking fit. I mean, even the basics. You like to stay in and relax with your family. I like to be surrounded by activity and people. And I knew, I always fucking knew that you would always love him. Soul mates and all that. You made it very clear from the get go how you felt and I chose to ignore you basically."

I just kept nodding, not totally sure where he was going with this.

"I guess what I am trying say is I am sorry." My jaw dropped at this statement and I gapped at him. "I am sorry that I didn't just accept our friendship for what it was, I am sorry that I made you defend Ness as your priority all the time. I fucked things up with you and I am sorry."

"Jake, Wow. That is just… I don't even know what to say except, wow. It means a lot to me that you would say that. And that all may be true, but all your fuckupery is totally negated by my cheating. I am so sorry I did that to you, that I broke your heart," I said, tearing slightly. I really did feel so bad for hurting him. He was Jake, my best friend and I should have treated him better.

"Yeah dumping me before you got back with your ex would probably been the way to do it. But don't worry about my heart Bella, it is fine. Great actually." He was actually smiling now and I didn't know what to make of it. "I still get pissed when I think about it though."

"I am still sorry," I murmured, studying my navy pumps. "It was a horrible thing to do."

"Bella," he sighed, tilling my face towards him, forcing me to meet his gaze. "Stop beating yourself up. You are a good person, I know this. And to be honest I was much shitier to you then you even know. So stop feeling bad, ok?"

What in the hell was he talking about? It didn't get much worse than cheating.

"How so?"

"I don't really see the point in going into all that now," he said, uncomfortable. "Just believe me if anyone has a reason to feel guilty, it is me."

Well that was awfully mysterious. And though I knew he was right, I still really wanted to know what he was referring to. I was morbidly curious. It was then I noticed Leah Clearwater, chatting with Rosalie across the pool. It didn't make much sense for her to be here and she kept glancing in my direction, looking equally as tense as Jake.

Something was definitely a foot.

"Jake, what is going on and why is Leah Clearwater staring at me so intently?" I asked, studying his guilt ridden face.

"Well… ah… you see, the thing is." Jake rubbed his hands over his face before staring at me rather pathetically. "Fuck this is kind of awkward."

"I don't find it awkward," I said, crossing my arms over my chest, relieved that I spotted Edward making his way towards us. "Incredibly annoying but not awkward."

Leah also saw Edwards approach and brushed off Rosalie to join him. He looked a little surprised when she greeted him, but neither paused in their motion towards us.

"So I am seeing someone," Jake blurted suddenly, drawing my attention back to him.

"Really?" I said, looking back to Leah and raising an eyebrow at Jacob. "Anyone I know?"

"Well yeah, actually…" he said, hesitating further.

"It has been at least 10 fucking minutes," Edward said. I grabbed his hand when he reached me and smiled up at him. "Are you done yet?"

"Jake was just telling me about his new girlfriend," I explained, amused at the ridiculous situation Jake had managed to get us in.

"You haven't told her yet? What the hell have you been prattling on about then?" Lead demanded, poking Jacob in the ribs and glaring at him while I tried not to laugh.

"I was just getting to it," he muttered, looking embarrassed. "Bella, Leah and I are dating."

"Wow, good for you," I said, still feeling like something was not quite right. There was some connecting factor here. Jakes guilt and his insistence that he treated me poorly and the way he draped an arm around Leah with such familiarity. "So how long have you two been together?"

Jake and Leah glanced at each other, obviously uncomfortable. Things were so slowly clicking in to place and my eyes narrowed.

"We started dating three weeks ago," Jacob muttered, still not looking at me.

"Dating?" I clarified. "Jake, I am not a fucking moron."

"I don't know what you are talking about," he insisted.

."So how did you even meet?" I demanded, really getting pissed. Edward's hand in mine was the only thing that made any sense at the moment.

"Uhhhh… we have known each other since I moved here," Jake said, again looking embarrassed and guilty.

"Jacob Black," I said in a low voice, absolutely seething. I didn't like not knowing things or being made to look like an idiot. I had a feeling Jake had been doing both for years. "Does Leah here have anything to do with your cryptic statements earlier?"

"Bella, I just came here to apologize and tell you not to feel bad, ok?"

"Really? Because I think you came here to rub your relationship in my face and allude to some deep dark secrets I didn't even know existed."

"Why do you even care so much? You sound pretty damn jealous to me," he said, smirking for real this time. I felt Edward tense at my side and I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

Though he did raise a good point. I was feeling pissed and betrayed and woefully uninformed, I didn't feel jealous. Mostly, I hated not knowing things. I needed to just say what was on my brain, get it out into the universe so I didn't dwell on it.

"I am not jealous. I just want to know if I was the only cheater in that miserable excuse for a relationship."

Leah and Jake both turned a bit red and were suddenly absorbed in looking anywhere but at me.

I had an irrational urge to ask Leah how my pussy tasted, but that overly vulgar statement would not have pleased anyone so I kept it to myself.

"Fine. Leah and I have been sleeping together on and off for years."

I huffed incredulously and shook my head in disbelief.

"Things with us picked backed up in February," he said quietly.

I slapped him, thoroughly shocking everyone in the general vicinity especially myself. I squeaked and covered my mouth with both my hands, appalled at my behavior, but it was instinct more then anything. I wasn't particularly violent typically but I moved without thinking.

Everyone stood in shocked silence for a moment, Edward and Leah grinning while Jake and I stared at each other in horror.

"I deserved that," muttered Jacob, rubbing his red cheek. "Bella I am really sorry I hurt you—"

"You are such a waste of life Jacob Black," I said in a low voice, not wanting to hear what he had to say. "Did you not see your own hypocrisy when you screamed at me about Edward? Before anything even happened with us, you were jealous and territorial and irrational but you were fucking someone else the whole time! You filthy fucking asshole." I was seething again and wished Edward would make good of his threats to punch this motherfucker in his motherfucking face.

I was livid that I wasted so much time on someone like that.

"I know that, now," he defended.

"Great. Good for you. I am glad you are suddenly such a logical and moral individual," I yelled, attracting the attention of some innocent partygoers.

"I am really sorry I hurt you Bella. I wish there was someone we could go back to being friends," he signed, looking like he meant it.

I simply snorted in response. Like that would ever happen. I really had no desire to see Jacob motherfucking Black ever again.

"Bella…" he pleaded. For what I didn't know. Forgiveness? My blessing? Friendship? He made a move towards me and I backed up quickly and Edward growled.

"Just go Jake," I signed, closing my eyes and trying to rub the newly developed headache out of my temples. "Please just go. I really don't want to see you again."

His face feel and he sighed. "Ok Bells." He started to leave, only to turn around a moment later to say one final thing. "You will always be my best friend Bella. I really am sorry."

And with that the happy couple left the building.

I exhaled, shuttering violently as I put my arms around Edward and lay my head on his shoulder.

"Shit," he muttered.

I nodded my head in agreement, as the bubbling rage slowly drained out of me.

"Are you ok?" he asked quietly, palms stroking my back.

I pulled away, took a deep breath, and opened my eyes, searching out his gaze. He did not look pleased and I wished I could decode what was going on in his head.

"Yes. I am ok," I said, steadying myself. "What a way to start a party, huh?"

Edward continued to frown, not amused in the slightest at my lame attempt at humor.

"Come on," I said, wanting to put the whole confrontation behind us. "We have guests to attend too."

He followed me through the crowd, dutifully greeting and chatting. He still didn't look happy.

I wasn't pleased about the whole thing either, but at least the guilt was 100% gone.

"Long day," I commented as Edward and I finally got home after the party. We had continued to socialize until the parents slowly began to trickle out around ten. I helped Kathleen for a while, organizing the mass sleep over. The girls would be on the main floor while the boys were in the basement. It was going to be a long night at the Chief's house and I was willing to stay until things calmed (the kids had been fed too much sugar and were high on summer vacation) but Charlie insisted I go home, an order that Edward was more than happy to help carry out.

Edward was making me nervous. He had been oddly silent all day. Though there were scarcely five minutes where we had been apart from each other, he was quiet. At first I blamed this on the stresses of the party combined with Jake's presence. Edward was really not very comfortable socializing and it amazed me that he was even able to give an interview. But then the guests had departed and it was just the family, laughing and reminiscing. Again he sat close to me and held my hand, but did not contribute to the conversation.

The car ride was equally silent and this was my third attempt to coax him into speaking.

He nodded as he opened the front door for me and motioned for me to go inside before him. This was not good. There was definitely something bothering him. If I was ever to get up the courage to ask if he would like it if we went on tour with him, I was going to need to get to the bottom of this grumpy mood first.

He kept a hand on the small of my back as we walked to our bedroom and immediately retreated to the bathroom and shut the door. Sighing, I kicked off my shoes and struggled with the zipper of my dress. I had really hoped that Edward would be the one undressing me tonight but he seemed to be deep in a funk. He was also probably still all concerned about my health.

Well fuck this. I hadn't really seen him in a month. I wanted him so badly, I was itchy with desire. The one quick, though extremely hot, fuck in the car was certainly not enough after having to make do with seduction via phone or webcam.

Deciding I would not be taking no for an answer, I stayed in my nude, lacy undergarments and lay on my side on the bed. I positioned myself in what I hoped was a sexy manner and was relieved that I didn't have to wait long. He emerged moments later, already pants less, with a scowl on his face as he tugged the knot of his tie.

He was so fucking appealing, standing there in just his boxers and a half undone dress shirt.

Edward froze in the doorway, his outline illuminated in the dark room from the light behind him from the bathroom, making him look beautiful and otherworldly. Like some supernatural being, created with my needs and wants and love in mind.

His eyes widened when he saw me and his hand stilled at his neck. We burned each other alive with our gazes until I gave him the universal come hither sign with a finger. Slowly he approached, stumbling slightly into the bedside table (he wasn't really watching where he was walking at the time) before he finally reached me and lowered himself onto the bed. He lay facing me, as close as he could possibly be without touching me.

"Let me help you with that," I whispered, reaching out and making quick work of the rest of his clothing, leaving him in only his boxers. He helped me and then rolled on top of me, his hips coming to rest in the cradle of my thighs.

Again, he didn't move or speak. He stared into my eyes, his green orbs a maelstrom of passion and pain and love and tenderness and ghosts of the past. I believed him in the moment, when he said that he had loved me for all those years we were apart.

"Bella." He said my name like a prayer as the back of his hand grazed my cheek. I shuttered beneath him and wrapped my legs tighter around his waist. "How do you feel?"

"Edward," I groaned in frustration, resisting the urge to pound the mattress like a wee child. "I feel fine, great even."

He looked like he didn't believe me and I panicked, worried the he would kiss my forehead and once again tell me it was sleep time.

"Please, the best thing for my health right now would be you inside me," I begged as I arched off the bed and put my hands in his silky hair. "I need you."

Thank God he complied too my pleas.

Edward took his time tonight, kissing me slowly and deeply as his hands traced my body. There was reverence and love in every touch, yet there was nothing lazy about this love making. It was borderline ferocious in its intensity. We were beyond words, letting our moans and sighs and actions speak for us. For the first time, there was no rushed desire to get as much of this as possible. There was no fear that this would disappear. This was our beginning of forever.

It was the single most poignant and beautiful moment of my life and by the time we were finally coming together, I was crying.

My love for him was out of control and all consuming.

Edward collapsed on top of me, his face against my neck. I felt moisture there and knew he experienced it too. Nothing had changed, but these passionate moments had brought me a peace. A reassurance of what I knew all along.

This was love of the forever kind.

For the longest time, I didn't think my love for Edward meant that we were meant to be. Love and functioning as a couple were not synonymous. But they were for us now. And more importantly, I stopped doubting our ability to last.

"Don't," I murmured, tightening my arms around Edward as he tried to move off me. It was the first word I had spoken in a very long time.

"I don't want to hurt you," he replied, cuddling further into my neck.

"You are not," I assured him as I stroked his hair.

"I love you Isabella. So much."

"I love you too."

After a few more minutes, Edward finally rolled off of me, making sure to pull me close right away.

"Why were you so quite at the party?" I asked, feeling stupid for ruining such a perfect moment with what could potentially be unpleasantness.

"I was thinking."

"About?" I pushed.

"Jacob motherfucking Black," he sighed.

I propped my head up on my elbow to get a better look at his face in an attempt to figure out what was going on in there.

"Why?" I had a feeling that Edward would dwell on this.

"He cheated on you Bella," Edward growled, really not pleased as he sat up next to me and fisted his hands in his hair. "He was supposed to be the better man for you. He was supposed to be the one to give you a good, normal life and he fucking cheated on you. It pisses me off. I feel like I let it happen somehow."

"That is ridiculous. That bastard was never the better man for me, Edward. But looking back, all the signs were there. I guess I never really cared enough to catch him," I explained.

"Are you sure you don't care?" he asked, not looking at me. "Your reaction… You were so upset. Black said you were jealous and hurt. I guess that makes since."

"Well of course I was upset! I am pissed that I wasted so much time on such a nasty person. I feel stupid that I didn't know better. I feel betrayed because above all I thought Jake was my friend. I am grossed out that I let him in my bed while he was frequenting Leah's." I shuttered at the thought.

"I fucking loved it when you slapped him," Edward said, still stunned that from the whole encounter I was sure.

"It felt damn good," I said, smiling up at him. We both grinned, replaying the sweet memory in our brains for a moment before I went on. "But I think what I find most upsetting is how shity he made me feel about being with you. He made me feel horrible about myself when he was doing something 10 times worse."

"Motherfucker. I really do hate that guy," Edward added helpfully.

"I am just glad he is out of our lives now, at least there is no more guilt," I replied. "I did find it interesting though. He said he knew all along that I was yours."

"Really?"

"Yes, we really were both kidding ourselves, thinking a relationship between the two of us wouldn't end badly."

"So you think he knows your mine then?" Edward said, pulling me on top of him and smirking.

I giggle and nodded.

"So these? Right here? All mine?" He palmed my breasts and waggled his eyebrows, causing me to laugh and nod again as I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes.

"And all this?" he asked, smacking my ass playfully, causing me to squeal.

"Yes!" I said, laughing again.

"These?" he traced the pad of his thumb over my lips and I abruptly stopped laughing as I got lost in his eyes again.

"Yours."

"Here?" he whispered as he placed a palm over my heart which was pumping erratically at his touch.

"That belongs to you too," I murmured, my lips inches away from his. "Always has."

I spent the rest of the night showing Edward the sincerity of my words.

EPOV

The mid morning light that crept through the blinds must have woken me up, but I wasn't quite ready to relinquish sleep yet.

Bella made sure that I didn't get my 8 consecutive hours, thank fuck.

Every inch of me felt so relaxed, like I could basically melt into the mattress. Despite the goddamn rollercoaster of emotion endured the night before, the only one I was really maintaining in the morning was a need for Bella.

But there was something very wrong with this situation because there was no physical contact between us. I thrashed around for a moment, trying to locate Bella in our massive bed before determining that she really wasn't there, much to my chagrin.

For the first time since I forced my way back into her life, there was no doubt brought on by the emptiness of the bed. Before, I would have flipped out and convinced myself that she left again or that I made her up in the first place. But there was an unexplainable shift last night as we made love. We were stronger now, sure of our forever. And though none of this was discussed, I was pretty positive she felt it too.

So I located a pair of swears, and followed the smells of breakfast and the sound of Neko Case to the kitchen.

Goddamn she was gorgeous.

Bella was clothed in only my t-shirt and was power-ballading to Neko's Tightly as she poked at some bacon.

Could it get any fucking better?

But something about the scene was not right. The music was turned up too loud. Bella and I had argued about this for years. Whenever she listened to music, she blasted it so she couldn't hear herself sing. This always irritated me immensely because the sound of her voice was basically orgasmic. She had no idea how motherfucking good she was and it always pissed me off too.

It still pissed me off.

So I snuck over to the speaker, pleased that her eyes were closed so she didn't notice that I turned the volume down slightly. It wasn't enough to be noticeable, but Bella's voice became more discernable. I did this three more times and Bella's voice was loud and clear before she noticed me.

"What the—"

"Keep singing," I murmured, moving to stand in front of her and turning down Neko once more. For once in her life, she listened after shooting me one last glare.

"When I" walkin' in the dark,"she sang at full volume now, closing her eyes and blushing furiously. "I'm free to covet all I want—"

Support the high note," I reminded her quietly, placing a hand on her stomach and feeling her stomach muscles contract as she absorbed my advice.

"You've made it all so very dangerous, I can't stay away…"

"Getting a little pitchy on the sustained note," I commented, being as brutally honest as possible. This little exercise was half pleasure, half business. Bella had mentioned on several occasions that she wanted to get on stage again. I would do anything in my power to see that dream become a reality, including working with her until she was more confident in her voice.

Confidence and committing to the performance was half the battle. That, combined with Bella's raw talent and music knowledge, was enough to make her one hell of a performer.

"Good," I told her as she corrected tone. "Now build." She used her voice to paint a story, building the tension to a climax before falling away, getting more and more poignant with each line.

It was fucking brilliant.

By the end of the song she was really getting into it, despite the fact that her eyes remained closed. Her whole body was moving to the music, and with the finally wailing notes her face was contorted in a way that clearly said she was feeling it.

The music ended and Bella was breathing heavily, a beautiful smile slowly stretching across her face. She finally opened her eyes and looked at me coyly from beneath thick eyelashes.

"Damn," I whispered reverently, cradling the side of her neck with my palm.

"That was weird," she said, covering her red cheeks and shaking her head into her hands.

"Damn," I said again. It was difficult to articulate how good she was and what her voice did to me. It made me want to inhale her breath and fuck her and love her forever and crawl inside her body to insure that we would never have to be apart again.

"Did I really sound that bad?" she squeaked from behind her hands.

"Fuck no. You sounded fucking divine and you know it," I said, grabbing her hips and pulling her little frame flush with mine.

"Were you testing me Edward Cullen?" she demanded, folding her arms over her chest and glaring up at me.

"Just helping you test yourself love," I replied, slipping my hands under my t-shirt , sliding around her hips and fiddling with the thin strip of fabric that made up her underwear.

"And exactly does that mean?"

"It means, my sweet Isabella, that you are much more talented then you are willing to give yourself credit for," I murmured as I backed her towards a counter, my hands kneading her lovely little rear.

She fought to keep her breathing even and a glare on her face, but her eyes fluttered closed when I pinned her to a counter using my hips.

"You are just saying that to get in my pants," she insisted, grinding herself into my now throbbing crotch.

I scoffed at her and bent to kiss her neck, slowly working my way to her collar.

"Ha. Like I need to say anything at all to get in your pants," I mumbled against her skin of that elegant spot where neck met shoulder. "And I would never lie. You sing beautifully."

"I can't really sing—" I pressed my lips to hers to stop that load of nonsense from spilling from her mouth. I kissed her leisurely, reveling in the knowledge that she was mine now, that I could do this whenever I wished.

Well, at least until the end of the week when I had to once again return to life on the road without my girls. But I was trying not to think about that.

Bella sighed into my mouth and wound her arms around my neck. She laughed as I grabbed her hips and hoisted her onto the counter.

"Edward," she giggled. "The bacon is burning."

"Don't care," I replied before kissing her once again, exploring the flesh barely concealed by the lose shirt. "As the man in this relationship, I can just bring home more."

She punched me in the shoulder and laughed again and kissed me once more before shimmying around me and returning to her former position in from of the stove.

"I am starving," she insisted, swatting my hands away as I attempted to once again pull her away from my cooking. "Someone I know kept me up all night long. Plus I made your favorite and want to talk to you about something." She threw a smirk over her shoulder at me.

I wanted to persuade her to abandon her breakfast efforts again but then I remembered that this time yesterday she had passed out in her father's office and I was on a mission to feed her as much as she would allow.

"How are you feeling this morning sunshine?" I asked, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind and resting my chin on the top of her head.

"Great. You make me so happy," she murmured back as she continued to cook.

I smiled into her hair and kissed her temple. "I am glad to hear it, but I meant more physically. You did pass out less the 24 hours ago."

She gave a sigh and shook her head at me as she poured scrambled eggs in a pan. "Edward. I feel wonderful so stop worrying ok? I am perfectly healthy."

"Perfectly healthy people don't pass out." Even as the words left my mouth I realized that they weren't completely accurate. Women in a delicate condition passed out. All the time, if I remembered correctly.

Could Bella be pregnant?

My hands tightened on her hips as joy surged through me. I wanted it. Real bad.

"Bella?" I asked, my voice shaking.

"What? Why do you sound weird? Are you ok?" she turned towards me, eyebrows raised in concern as she dished bacon and eggs and hashbrowns on two plates.

She fainted, she had something she wanted to talk to be about.

"Are you…" My voice was cracking again and I cleared my throat while I shuffled my feet.

"Am I what Edward?" she asked, looking at me like I was completely insane.

"Pregnant?" I squeaked, unbelievably nervous.

She snorted and rolled her eyes at me, "No," she said bluntly, grabbing the plates and walking to the kitchen table.

"Are you sure?" I said, sitting next to her and ignoring the delicious looking meal sitting in front of me. Bella, on the other hand, dug in to gusto. How could she eat at a time like this when she could maybe be pregnant?

"Yes Edward," she said, snidely. "You can stop freaking out now."

"I— You— Baby— I am not freaking out!" I defended, huffing.

"You can not even speak. The thought of having a baby right now has rendered you speechless. That is like the definition of freaking out," she said, glaring at me as she nibbled on a piece of toast.

At least she was eating.

"You are completely misinterpreting my speechlessness," I defended. Frankly, it was a bit offensive that she thought I was freaking out at all.

Bella just shrugged and folded her legs under neither herself as she continued to munch.

"Are you sure you are not pregnant?" I said again, much clearer this time.

"Yes. I am sure. Trust me."

"But you fainted."

"I hadn't eaten."

"But you wanted to talk to me about something."

"Well it is not about having a kid."

We slipped back into silence. Bella ate and I pouted into my food.

"You are sure you are sure?"

"Yes!" she half laughed, half yelled. "Edward, what is going on with you?"

"Well, I just thought for a moment that we were having another kid. And I dunno." I ran my hands through my hair and felt awkward. "Got me thinking I guess."

"About babies?"

"About your babies, our babies," I muttered.

Finally Bella put her fork down and gave me her undivided attention. "Is that something you think you would want?" Bella sounded as nervous as I felt.

"Yes. Is that something you think you would want?" The words tumbled out of my mouth.

"Yes," she said, blushing and smiling and looking so young and beautiful without make up in an oversized t-shirt.

"Good." I exhaled and gabbed Bella's hair and kissed her palm before I finally dug into the feast my beloved had prepared.

I had basically licked my plate clean when I remembered that Bella had ulterior motives by feeding me my favorite meal.

"Uh, Bella? Darling? What did you want to talk about?" I scooted my chair closer to Bella and put my hand on her warm, naked, creamy thigh.

"Well," she said as she blushed and covered my hand with hers. "Yesterday, after my you know, fainting incident, my dad and I had a big long talk."

"Oh shit." Though Charlie was remarkably accepting, he still hated me. And whatever he had to say to Bella probably wasn't good.

"He yelled at me a lot, about my health and how much I have been working."

"Rightfully so," I mumbled under my breath. But she heard me and pinched my hand.

"Well, he wants me to take a vacation. And extended vacation."

"Vacation?" I clarified. Bella had a pretty damn big job at Swan and I really didn't see how they would function without her. "Extended vacation?"

"Yeah, well I will have to work remotely but it should only be a couple hours a day."

"How is that even possible? Is Swan even going to be able to operate without you?"

She beamed at me then and leaned over to kiss my cheek quickly. "You are such a good man Edward Cullen. I love you."

I grinned and blinked at her, not really understanding what I said to make her so happy, but enjoying her anyway. "Thanks?"

"And it will work out. We are looking to hire a new VP and Charlie wants to promote Angela, bout damn time I say. So Swan will be fine. I have been looking for a way to step back anyway."

"So you are ok with this?"

"Yes. It makes me happy."

"And how long is this extended vacation?" I narrowed my eyes at her as a glorious thought bloomed in my brain.

"Mid September?" she squeaked it out as a question and looked up at me under her eyelashes as she blushed furiously.

"Are you telling me that you are not going back to work until mid September? Around the time our daughter has to be back in school? Is that what you are telling me Isabella?"

She nodded her head and smiled shyly.

I grabbed her hips and pulled her onto my lap as she giggled. My lips were on hers a moment later and we laughed and grinned and reveled in the knowledge that there would be no goodbye at the end of the week. I pulled back to look at her, framing her face with my hands.

"Hey, so do you have any interest in touring the country in the back of the bus?" I waggled my eyebrows and tried to sound casual.

"Humm… spending the entire summer in the back of the bus with four dudes with very little opportunity to shower?"

We both grinned as we remembered the last time we had this conversation.

"We have two buses now," I pointed out.

"I can not wait."

"Really? You will come?" Joy surged in my chest as she nodded and placed a hand over my heart. She looked at me with such devotion and love. I was sure it was an expression she saw reflected on my own face.

"I am so happy that you want us to come with you."

"Of course I want you to come with me, you silly girl. I always want you to come with me."

"I know, I know. I just got all nervous that I would cramp your style or whatever."

"That is absurd."

"I know!" she giggled again. "Charlie said that this would be good for our family."

"Damn, I have never heard her say anything truer. It will certainly be good for my sanity. This last month has been fucking unbearable."

"For me too."

"No more months of separation for us."

"Nope, never again."

And at the end of the week, we locked up our house for good and the three of us boarded a plane together, kicking forever off earlier then I originally anticipated. Thank fuck.


	26. Chapter 26

BPOV

"Ew, get away from me!" I yelled through my laughter. Edward had finished a set and he was dripping with sweat. And of course, knowing this, he made a beeline for me, pulling my face into his damp, bare chest.

It was fucking hot.

But, I couldn't tell him that. I had a smidgen of pride left thank you very much.

"You like it and you know it." He shook his head and perspiration flew of the tips in neat little drops, landing all over me.

"You smell."

"What? Are you going to tell me I have cooties next?" he teased.

"Maybe."

"Are you going to join us for the encore sunshine?"

"Maybe." It felt like there was lava bubbling in my belly. And though I had done it several times in the month since we left L.A, my nerves never abated.

"Come on Bella." Seth was now tugging on my head. "Let's do that cover of 'Wells'. I love that song. It sounds fucking amazing as a duet. Sorry Nessie," he added, grimacing at my daughter.

"Yeah Mom! Do it!" was all she had to say.

Then they were all begging me with whinny pleases and of course I succumbed to peer pressure. Moments later, I let Edward drag me on stage to the thunderous applause of the Texan audience. I still couldn't bear looking at them, seeing the seemingly endless sea of faces, so I let the bright lights blind me. A mic was now set up right next to Edward's. Looking at him was the only way I could to it.

So I sang the Expendables cover and a Vampire Sunrise original that was specially rearranged to include me.

That in and of itself was pretty unbelievable. I felt like I was encroaching on band territory, but they all seemed genuinely pleased and excited that I was providing some 'fresh meat' as Sam called it.

I sang two songs before awkwardly trotting of the stage where Nessie was waiting for me. I spend the few remaining songs of the concert standing to the side, arms resting around my daughter as we watched her father do what he did best.

Well, second best. He had other talents, but those were demonstrated in a much more private setting.

Touring with Vampire Sunrise was shockingly low key. Most nights were spent gathered together, shooting the shit, goofing around, and always, always, always playing music.

We were junkies, all of us hopelessly and forever addicted to music. And even with the tri-weekly shows, we couldn't get enough.

It was fucking great.

And even though it was usually quite, I was coming to realize that all four of them were perpetually twelve years old. There was wrestling and punching and snot rockets and wet willies. They were internally engaged in a prank war, one they all simultaneously claimed to be winning.

Nessie and I would typically stand back and watch, rolling our eyes and shaking our heads at their antics.

They might have been preteens at heart, but they were also rockstars. We were mobbed coming and leaving every show, our faces were constantly in the press, and now that I was singing, there was a renewed interest in the story of my family.

But that was the life that Edward chose, that I chose, and we made it work.

After the show in Houston, everyone agreed that they were in dire need of sustenance. The record company had provided a large car for the band to use while we were in Texas and everyone pilled in. Emily had flown in a week before and though I didn't know her very well, I craved female company. She was sitting in the back row with Sam who was trying to be a very back seat driver. He was yelling at Emmett who was yelling right back.

"Where the hell have you taken us Emmett?" Sam boomed. "Does it look like any of this shit is open? Sorry Nessie."

"Will you just shut the fuck up and let me work my magic? Sorry Bella."

I rolled my eyes. Both Ness and I were used to hearing many an expletive at this point. Nessie was being exposed to all sorts of things typical ten year olds were never exposed, but I had to remind myself that it was worth it. Ness was a good kid and she was a veteran tourer. She had spent a great deal of time on the road and with the boys at home. She was used to them where as I was not used to her being used to them.

Touring was a complete departure to every part of normal life. For example, it was past midnight and instead of being tucked away in bed, my daughter was sitting quietly between Edward and myself in the middle row of an Escalade, preparing to join a rock band in a late night feast.

Definitely not normal.

Eventually Emmett spotted a diner that appeared to be in the process of closing for the night. When I voiced this observation Emmett laughed and offered to bet me 100 bucks that the establishment would stay open for Vampire Sunrise.

I was glad I didn't take the bet and five minutes later Sam, Emily, Seth, Emmett, Edward, Nessie, and I were all seated with menus.

Sometimes I forgot that they were not the same young men I spent so much of my youth with. They were famous now. Also unbelievably rich.

"Bella, you sing so beautifully. It was really great," Emily said from directly across the table from me, touching my hand to get my attention. I had been busy staring at Edward (a habit I hoped would end when all this awe of being with him got less intense) and had been paying no attention.

But now everyones eyes were on me and I was blushing like mad.

"Thanks Emily," I murmured.

"Bella is such a badass," Seth announced. "When you do that sustained wail thing at the end at the end of the chorus in 'The Unsettled Land'? That shit is just crazy."

"Thanks Seth." I was definitely not comfortable being the focus of the conversation or receiving all this praise. I was blushing so red I felt the need to bury my face in Edward's shoulder. He clucked and patted my head as the waitress came to take our orders.

"Mommy? Can I have pie? With ice cream?" Nessie asked, eyes bright despite the extremely late hour.

"Alright, as long as I can have a bite." She giggled and nodded and I kissed her nose.

"Can have the apple pie please? With ice cream?"

"Of course you can sugar," drawled the busty young waitress. "You are just the cutest little thang, looking just like your mamma and daddy. You three are just the most adorable little family. Your daddy just about broke the hearts of all my girlfriends though, finally settling down."

"Uh…" Nessie said, blinking in confusion at the rapid speech. "Thank you?"

This had the whole table erupting into laughed. The waitress put in the order before returning with paper take out menus and pens, getting autographs for all of those heart broken friends of hers.

"I would like to purpose a toast," Emmett said, raising his drink after all the food arrived. "To the lovely ladies who make my band mates and brothers so happy they are somewhat bearable to be around out on the road." Everyone nodded at Emily, Nessie, and me before sipping from their glasses.

I glanced at Edward, whose arm had never strayed from the back of my chair. He was grinning my absolute favorite crooked smile, the picture of utter contentment and joy and love.

I knew just how he felt.

EPOV

Despite the obscenely late hour we arrived back to the hotel after Emmett's mandatory midnight feast, my darling daughter somehow convinced me that she needed me to read to her in order for her to fall asleep.

She choice Margie Palatini's classic _Piggy Pie, _a charming if not somewhat morbid tale of a witch who travels to Old McDonald's farm in search for some succulent swine. The witch is ultimately a big fat failure and apparently I have a knack for sounding like a crackling hag.

I didn't know if I was flattered or offended when she giggled like a lunatic when I put on my witch voice.

Tonight, after teeth were brushed and pj's were dawned, Nessie didn't last three pages before she was out. No one was shocked, it was way past her bedtime.

I gently pealed my daughters sleeping form off my chest, kissed her forehead, and tucked the blankets in around her.

I fucking loved being a Dad and having her with me meant everything.

I silently padded across the room, quietly closing the door behind me. Being a successful musician certainly had its benefits, including the monetary ability to stay in a lovely, multi bedroom suite. This place was no exception and was complete with two bedrooms, living room, kitchen, and huge ass motherfucking balcony.

Bella was not in the first three locals and I slowly followed the sound of faint music to the balcony. What I found there had the warm and fuzzies exploding in my chest. This joy was becoming a familiar sensation, what with Bella and Ness always near.

I cracked the door and stepped onto the balcony as silently as I exited my daughters bedroom, not wanting to interrupt.

_There are no monks in my band_

_(There are no monks in my band)_

_There are no saints in this land_

_(There are no saints in this land)_

_I'll be doing all I can_

_If I die an honest man_

_(If I die an honest man)_

Bella, a banjo in her lap, was singing call and response style with Sam who was laying down a mellow funk beat on an acustic bass. The combination was both folky and bluesy and funky and instantly piqued my interest and had my musical mind a flutter with inspiration.

_Confusion is my middle name_

_(Confusion is my middle name)_

_Ask me again I'll tell you the same_

_(Ask me again I'll tell you the same)_

_Persuaded by one sexy dame_

_No I do not feel no shame_

Seth provided the harmony on a guitar while Emmett supported the whole collaboration on a set of bongos.

_You are on the road_

_Can I get a little lovin' from you_

_Can I get a little bit of that done did do_

_You are on the road_

_Tell me now girl that you need me too_

_Tell me now girl 'cause I've got a feeling for you_

_Every man has certain needs_

_(Every man has certain needs)_

_Talkin' 'bout them dirty deeds_

_(Talkin' 'bout them dirty deeds)_

_To these needs I must concede_

_Livin' by my lowly creed_

_(Livin' by my lowly creed)_

Bella somehow managed to continue her improvised banjo part while she closed her eyes and rolled her hips, doing a mother fuck me sexy dance in she seat that coincided perfectly with the obviously sexy tune of the song.

The song ended and Bella put down her instrument while the rest of the band continued to jam. She had always gotten along so well with everyone important in my life, the band, my parents. I was thrilled that our years apart hadn't changed this either. They were genuinely her friends once too (as much as Sam pissed her off back in the day) and I was glad they were reunited.

Bella stretched and yawn, noticing me where I was observing. I joined them, pleased that Bella solved the lack of seat issue by rising, forcing me in the chair, and crawling into my lap.

"You can play the banjo," I whispered in her ear as she blushed. "That is new."

She tucked her nose into my neck and sighed in contentment as the music drifted around us.

"What song were you singing?" I asked, recognizing the earlier lyrics but I wasn't sure from where.

"Funky Monks," she replied. "The Chili Peppers. Old, old Chili Peppers."

"Of course, I should have known."

We sat in silence, simply enjoying the music that was being created on the spot. Sometimes I felt totally removed from the writing process, like I was simply the vessel that these specific notes chose to get their vibrations out into the universe. Sometimes what I wrote was a deliberate message, a feeling that I could only properly express through music.

It was nice to just listen sometimes, to take it less seriously, to just enjoy.

I wondered what being so completely and totally happy would do to my music. I had never, even with Bella long ago, been as happy and fulfilled as I was in that moment.

Eventually, Bella dozed in my lap and it was time for us to turn in as well. I lifted Bella's small body easily as I nodded goodnight to the boys who were deep in the zone. I wouldn't be surprised if the sun came up before they went to bed.

Not that it mattered, we only had three interviews and a press conference tomorrow before we were back in the bus, headed to the next city.

I carefully lay Bella down on our bed, untwining her arms from around my neck as I moved to remove some clothing.

"Where did you go?" she mumbled sleepily as her arms blindly searched for me.

"I am right here sunshine," I said softly, removing one of her grey sneakers and then the other.

"Good." My hands traveled up her jean clad legs until I reached the button. I smiled down at her for a moment. I liked the way she dress when she wasn't in super powered executive mode. Bella dressed in jeans, sneakers, and a tank top was someone I knew and recognized. We matched when she dressed like this. We looked ridiculous when she was all business casualed out.

Not that she wasn't hot as fuck all the goddamn time

I popped the button on her jeans and gently pulled them down her legs, marveling as inch after deliciously creamy inch was exposed to me. I discarded them on the floor by my feet and groaned in frustration. I had succeeded in tuning myself on beyond belief.

Her panties were red today.

But she was very asleep so I simply crawled in next to her, pleased when her head naturally found its way to my shoulder and her hand rested on my chest.

BPOV

"Yes… Yes, I completely understand… No, it won't be a problem. I can be in New York by Wednesday. That should be plenty of time to square away all the details of the new hire."

I was pacing around the back of the bus that served as a bedroom, swatting away Edward's hands every time I accidently passed the bed where he sat.

It was really surprising how much I loved life on tour. I loved spending so much time with my family, I loved seeing Edward on stage every night, I loved (and hated) that Edward made me join him on stage regularly, I loved that Nessie was so happy, and I even loved the travel. Never before had Nessie and I seen this much of the country and we enjoyed exploring each new city. My favorite so far had been Chicago. Edward had managed to get a day off and the three of us wandered his childhood home together.

Though the close quarters were something I never had to deal with, I didn't mind being so close to Edward.

The one downside was that I had started working again, something I was really not enjoying. Edward wasn't making it any easier with his perpetual attempts to distract me.

Like now.

His fingers found a belt loop of my jeans, abruptly stopping my pacing. I let him pull me into his lap as I continued to plan my life.

I had to leave next week. For five whole days. And though five days should seem like nothing after the years we spent apart and the months we originally thought we wouldn't be together, but now it seemed like forever.

Edward's hands traced around my hips, down my thighs, rubbing me through my jeans. I shuttered slightly and tried to keep voice normal as I attempted to conduct some business. He was closing in on all my secret places, arousing and annoying me at the same time. I elbowed him in the chest and rushed off my call before turning in my lap to glare at him.

"You are leaving," he said as he played with my hair and frowned.

"Yeah, but I really do not want too." I rested my forehead on his and pouted right back. "But if everything goes as it should with the merger and we hire this guy, then my work load will be a whole lot lighter. Less time on the phone." I kissed him softly. "More time for other, more fun activities," I whispered seductively his ear causing him to chuckle and his hands to tighten on my waist.

Edward's mouth zeroed in on mine, but then the door burst open and Nessie basically tackled us, squealing all the while.

"Are we there yet?" Nessie asked, leaping up and jumping around us on the bed.

Edward flopped backwards on the bed, groaning and rubbing his hands vigorously over his eyes. "Nessie, we are not anywhere. You have a bus full of toys and activities to keep you occupied. I don't get why you are in such a rush to get to Dallas."

"It is going to be fun! I googled it. There is a zoo and lots of museums and yummy Mexican food. Mommy can we go to the zoo?" she asked as she continued to jump back and forth over Edward.

It was my turn to flop back and groan.

"I can't darling. I have to fly to New York as when we get to Dallas. I am sorry honey."

"Whyyyyyyyyyyy?" She continued to jump, but her face was now in a frown as she whined.

"Business Nessie."

"That is so lame, I don't want you to leave," she said as she plopped down on her fathers gut causing him to expel a loud 'oof'.

"I don't want to leave either, but I should only be gone for a few days and then I will meet you… Where will I meet you Edward?" I did not have the schedule memorized and had no idea where we were supposed to be in a weeks time.

"Denver."

"And I will meet you in…" My voice trailed off as I remembered the last time we were in Colorado on a tour. They were not pleasant memories and suddenly I dreaded next week almost as much as I dreaded leaving my family. "Denver?" It was a nervous squeak of a question, causing Edward to sit up on the bed and look at me with concern.

"Yes, Denver."

"Right. Denver."

"Denver," he said again, awkwardly drawing out the word and continuing to stare at me.

"Denver," I said, my attempted smile falling flat.

"You guys are so weird," declared Nessie, leaping up and bouncing around the bed again. "Are we going to see Nana and Phil? Can we take that train to the top of that mountain again? That was fun! Colorado is fun. There is stuff to do there unlike this boring, boring, boring," She was punctuating each word with a jump for emphasis. "Boring bus."

"What happened to video games with Emmett?" Edward asked, rolling onto his belly and trying to grab Nessie's feet as she jumped and giggled.

"He got tired of losing," Ness replied between squeals. "So are we doing all that fun stuff in Colorado?"

"Honestly, I hadn't thought about it Ness. I don't think that we will make it to Nana's house but maybe they can meet us in Denver." Though my relationship with my mother had greatly improved in the last decade (she grew up slightly and I stopped trying to win her approval) I still wasn't looking forward to calling her. But I would do it. Mostly because Ness loved her Nana and not calling Renee would be an even larger headache then dealing with her for an afternoon. The woman would flip if she found out that we were so close and didn't call.

"Maybe we can go to a Rockies game!" Ness shouted a moment before Edward finally managed to catch one of her feet, sending her face down into the pillows at the end of the bed. There was squealing and tickling and giggling before some sort of alliance was silently created.

One moment I was brooding about my mom and going to New York, completely minding my own business, and the next I was tackled by a pair of lunatics. Now the squealing was coming from me and the laughing was coming from them.

If only I wasn't so ticklish, they would enjoy this so much.

"That's not fair!" I yelled after I finally managed to get away from the tickle twins. "You ganged up on me."

"That's because it is funny!" Nessie explained, quite helpfully. "Come on Mom, let's play a board game. Dad is awful at those and I am sure we can beat him!"

I let Ness drag me away, smiling sadly at Edward, finally understanding what he felt like every time he was forced to leave.

"So he signed the contract today and will be starting next week."

"You like this guy then? I know you had some doubts about his experience and passion."

"I still have some doubts, but he is by far the closest to what we are looking for out of every one we looked at. I am reserving judgment until he starts working. Honestly, I am just glad we finally hired someone and I will be able to go back to doing just my job." I was laying on my back in my hotel room in New York, gripping the phone to my ear like a life line, letting the familiar melodic sounds of his voice wash over me.

"Bout fucking time I say. I just want you to come back," Edward replied.

I could not agree more. It had been a long couple of days and I hadn't even bothered to change out of my work attire before flopping down, dialing Edward, and closing my eyes.

"So you will pick me up tomorrow right?" Though I knew everything was different now, I couldn't help but remember the last time I met him in Colorado and the less the warm reception I received. He didn't even know we had been arriving that day and though I logically knew that this wouldn't be the case this go around, I was still nervous.

"Of course Bella," he said softly in my ear. I kept my eyes closed and pretended that he was laying next to me in the dark. "You know, this is a good thing."

"What do you mean?"

"It is very rare in life that one gets a second chance to correct some mistakes from the past."

"I don't know what you are talking about." I knew exactly what he was talking about, but this conversation was making me uncomfortable. Remembering how sick Edward was back then always hurt my heart.

"Yes you do. I was a mess last time you visited me in Colorado. The whole trip was a disaster. And now I get a do over."

"A do over?"

"Yeah, so the point is, I most definitely will be picking you up at the airport."

Most unwillingly I removed my headphones, stored them in my seat back pocket, and went back to staring out the microscopic window. I had every Vampire Sunrise song ever recorded on shuffle pretty much sense I left for New York. It made me feel connected to my family and the fact that I had to stop listening for the beginning of the flight annoyed me quite thoroughly.

"It is a stupid rule isn't it?" The man in the middle seat was talking to me. Even in my haze of Colorado nerves, missing family blues, and self-involvement, I noticed him. He was tall, my age with dark hair with a scruffy excuse of a curly beard. And he was talking to me. It was strange, I was radiating this vibe that completely discouraged human contact yet this individual was broaching me anyway.

"I am sorry, what?" I didn't have the slightest idea what he was talking about.

"Putting away electronics during take off and landing. It is the longest ten minutes of my life."

"Yeah I don't last long without my music either."

"It is necessary to survival." I nodded and went back to staring out the window. I recognized the look he gave me during our brief conversation. It was one of pure male appreciation. I didn't have the patience to deal with him. I noticed he glanced from my chest to my left hand.

Why was I so insistent on waiting to marry Edward?

"Here we go," he said as the plane picked up speed. I closed my eyes and felt the drop in my belly that indicated that we were airborne. I was officially on my way back to my family, and as excited as I was, I couldn't seem to shake those feelings of trepidation.

"Take off is my favorite part, minus the music thing," scruff man said.

"Mine too," I agreed.

"I am Ryan, by the way," he said shaking my hand.

"Bella."

"So where are you from?" There he went again with the chitchat. But I decided I didn't mind. I needed a break, a distraction from my own head. I knew my fears were ridiculous. Edward and I still had some talking to do about the past that was long overdue. Hopefully after we talked about his alcoholism and my abandonment of him, I would feel better.

"California," I replied. "L.A."

"So how did you end up all the way across the country?"

"Work," I answered, wondering when he was going to get tried of my short responses and give up.

"So do you live in Colorado then?" he asked, furrowing his brow and looking confused.

There was no way in hell I was going to tell him that I was meeting my rockstar lover and our daughter to join him on a international tour.

"No, I am just visiting before I go home to Cali. My mom lives there, I grew up there."

"That is weird, most people who live in Colorado don't leave for very long."

"The ocean calls to me."

"OK, got yah."

"What about you? Where are you from?" I asked deciding to keep the conversation going. Plus I was somewhat jealous of his laid back demeanor, maybe some of it would rub off on me.

"The good old 719 baby, all the way."

"You are from the Springs?" I asked, really engaged for the first time.

"Hell yes! How did you know?"

"That is where my mom lives."

"Excellent. Do you need a ride down there then? I have plenty of room."

"Oh, no," I stuttered awkwardly, flustered by his forwardness. "I am meeting my family in Denver. They are going to pick me up."

"Well the offer still stands," he said with a smile. "If you change your mind. So what do you have on the thing that made you want to break airline rules?" He nodded towards my iPod.

I laughed and told him. We spent the next several hours discussing music. He surprised me with bands that I had never heard of that I actually enjoyed. All in all an excellent distraction, we were landing before I knew it.

"It was good to meet you Bella," he said as we made our way out of the airport.

"Same."

"So your family going to be picking you up?" he asked again as we boarded the train that would take up from the terminal to the exit. I texted Edward to let him know I had almost made it back to them.

"Yes, my uh…" As usual I didn't know the proper adjective to describe my relationship to Edward. But dear old Ryan was being a little too friendly so I told him a white lie. "My husband. And our daughter. They are waiting for me."

He clutched his heart in mock pain. "Ouch, husband. That ruins all my plans to take you to dinner."

"Sorry," I muttered, feeling awkward and cursing myself for encouraging conversation with him in the first place.

"Why aren't you wearing a ring?" Again he glanced down at my left hand which I quickly hid in the pocket of my blazer.

I shrugged my shoulders, not replying.

He left me alone after that which was excellent because I was so ridiculously nervous about this do over business and I needed to focus on acting normal. I emerged from the train and my eyes immediately flew to the little girl in a pink dress standing with a man attempting not to be recognized. Baseball hat, sweatshirt with the hood pulled up, and a pair of his typical Ray Bans.

He was still so obviously a rockstar and a sex god that my heart fluttered.

I picked up the pace and Ness squealed 'mommy' when she spotted me. I bent to return her hug and grinned over her shoulder at Edward, who had stuffed his hands in his pockets as he waited his turn.

"Hello darling. Did you miss me?"

"Very, very, very much. Dad and Uncle Emmett and Sam and Seth don't know what it is like to be a girl."

I laughed at this statement and made a mental note to get details later before I moved away to wrap myself around Edward. He squeezed me back and signed into my hair and kissed my temple and called me sunshine.

"I missed you," he whispered.

"Missed you more," I replied.

"Doubtful. Tell me, who is this scruffy man staring at us intently? Normally this would be well, the norm, but I feel like this man is looking at you not me." His arms tightened around me and I knew his eyes were narrowed in the direction of good old Ryan.

"He sat next to me on the plane," I said with a quick glance over my shoulder. "We talked about music he was nice. He wanted to give me a ride. Also I told him I was married and he didn't believe me because I don't have a ring."

"Well," he said, looking momentarily shocked before beaming at me. "We will just have to rectify that situation right away."

"I— ummm—" I stuttered, flustered once again that I realized what I said and what he said.

"Look at me, this second chance stuff is working out already. Last time I would have kicked his ass for staring at you like that."

I laughed and agreed, grabbing his hand and my daughter's hand, getting on with Colorado tour destination, part two.

EPOV

"Daddy? Can I ask you a question?" I was sitting on the balcony outside our suite across from Bella, going over our schedule for the next few days while my beloved read. I had the day off and we had met up with Bella's mother for lunch and attend a baseball game where Phil was now a batting coach.

Renee was the same old Renee, and it was not how I wanted to spend my rare day off but it was an excellent opportunity to do this thing right. I didn't make things any easier on Bella last time, but now I did my best to smooth things over between the women.

Upon meeting with Renee, she squealed and hugged my girls before glaring at me.

"I see the rumors are true," she said, sneering at me. "You have managed to weasel your way back into my daughters life."

Bella bristled immediately, glaring and snapping to my defense.

"Back off Renee, there is no need for you to get all parental and concerned—"

"Renee," I said, cutting off Bella causing her to transfer her glare to me. "It makes me happy that you are concerned for Bella's well being. I am glad that Bella had people in her life who were there for her when we were apart. But I assure you Renee, I am going to spend the rest of my life making up for past hurts. I love your daughter very much."

Everyone stared at me in silence for a moment before Ness started giggling and Renee beamed.

"That's all I wanted to hear Edward," she said, latching onto my arm and pulling me toward the fancy restaurant that was conveniently located two blocks from Coors Field.

She spent the rest of the day flirting shamelessly with me and gushing about my celebrity. It was exhausting, but necessary. Nessie had a good time and Bella seemed ok.

And now we were enjoying the pleasant evening in, looking out at the city with the mountains in the background.

"Of course short stuff," I said. Nessie crawled into my lap, clutching her iPod.

"What is sensi?"

Some weird, chocking sound came out of my throat and I heard Bella slam her book down on the round glass end table that separated our lounge chairs.

"What— who— where—" I looked at Bella for some help but she remained silent, simply raising an eyebrow. I glanced down to the music listening device, clutched in her hands. "What kind of horrible, trashy, vile, music are you listening too? Singing about stuff like that…"

I trailed off as Bella and Nessie both giggle. It was my song. Of course it was. I was an idiot.

"Daddy what is it? I was listening to you're third album? And you say that sometimes the only was to forget is to start smoking a little sensi. What does that mean?"

Again I looked at Bella, whose face was fluctuating between amused and pissed off. She shook her head, indicating that I was all on my own for this one.

I really wanted to lie, to make something innocent up. I wanted to shelter her from shit like this, but it was inevitable that she would be exposed to things when she was on the road. It just really fucking sucked that she would have to find out as a direct result of my words.

I sighed heavily, turning back to my daughter.

"Sensi is short for sensimilla," I said slowly.

Nessie looked at me, waiting for me to elaborate. Damn her natural curiosity.

"It is a kind of marijuana, pot. A very good kind of pot actually." Bella punched me in the arm at this as Nessie continued to look at me blankly. "And by good I mean high quality. Not good. It is bad, very bad. Never do drugs."

God, I was really fucking this up.

"It is drugs?"

"Yes Nessie. Remember we talked about the funny smelling cigarettes that people smoke at concerts sometimes?"

She nodded, wide-eyed and innocent.

"That is what sensi is," I finished lamely, looking down in shame. This was a particularly tough conversation. I was so disconnected from the man who wrote about shit like that. Nessie had never even met that man. She didn't know him and neither did I, yet I took responsibility for him, paid for his crimes.

I was a hero in my daughters eyes. This conversation was killing me because I knew I was eliminating a little of that innocence, shifting the way she saw me. Fathers weren't supposed to have made so many mistakes. And because of my music and my place in the media, Nessie was sure to hear about all of them at one point or another.

"You smoked drugs?" Her voice faltered and her face crumbled.

Smoked, snorted, swallowed, shot up.

I really wanted to deny, deny, deny. I really wanted to know what Bella was thinking. I wished we would have had some parental strategy secession to deal with questions like this. But I was always very honest and open with Ness. It was tough sometimes, because she was so damn perceptive and curious, but it usually worked out for the best. And honestly, I was like a fucking anti drug campaign. I hit rock bottom, I suffered the consequences, I was constantly attempting to redeem myself.

I just wished we were having the conversation when she was a little older. Like 14. Or 34. Or 94.

"Yes Vanessa," I admitted, gathering strength from the hand Bella placed on my back. "I did a lot of things I am not proud of when I was young. I made a lot of mistakes and I have a lot of regrets. Do you remember when you were little? And you didn't stay with me? I just visited you or took you out?"

"Not really. Maybe a little," she said, furrowing her brow and squinting as she attempt to think back to those first few years after I cleaned up.

"Well that was my punishment for all those mistakes, not being around all the time. Living without your mom was my punishment. Drugs are bad."

After a few more, less intrusive questions, Nessie's curiosity was appeased and Bella stepped in.

"Time for bed now little girl," said my beloved rising from her chair as Ness let out a big yawn. "Kiss your pops goodnight."

"Goodnight Daddy," she said, sliding off my lap and kissing my cheek. "I love you."

I hugged her and watched her disappear behind the sliding glass doors with her mother.

They left and I stared out at the city, getting lost in my head. Bella found me brooding, minutes later, glazing blankly without seeing anything at all. I didn't notice that she was sitting on the end of my lounge until she laid a hand on my thigh.

"That was rough," she said softly.

I gripped her hand in my lap and nodded. She sat directly in front of me with her legs crossed and stroked a thumb over my knuckles. She let me have my moment of reflection and just sat with me silently.

"Do you think I said the right thing?" I asked finally, not able to meet her eyes. She was too good for me. So was Ness. I was tainting them with my very presence and I didn't know what to do about it. I worked so hard to be better for them. But recovery was a constant struggle and I lived in constant fear of failing, of falling off the wagon.

"Yes Edward," she said, using her free hand to tilt my face towards hers. I saw only undeserved love and understanding in her eyes. "There is no point in lying to her, especially given our situation in the public eye. She has already been exposed to more then most 10 year olds and the best we can do is be honest with her, help her understand. It is much better hearing these things from you then a less then truthful version from someone else."

"Do you think she hates me now?" I whispered, fisting my hand in my hair. Her words only made me feel slightly better.

Bella threw her head back and fucking laughed. Laughed.

She never did what I expected.

"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she scoffed. "Your daughter is crazy about her daddy. And the fact that you are honest with her makes her respect you. She is super smart, our little girl. She would know if you lied to her, treated her like a baby."

"I guess…"

"Everyone makes mistakes Edward," she said, removing my hand from my hair and bringing to join the other in her lap. I held on tightly. "Recognizing those mistakes and learning from them is what makes you a good person. It is what Nessie is going to learn from you. It makes me very proud to be yours."

I exhaled a shaky breath and nodded.

"I just hate admitting that to her," I confessed. "I don't want her to see me like that." A little pot use probably wouldn't have been such a big deal to most people and if it wasn't associated of some rather more serious addiction issues, I might have gone the deny, deny, deny route. I might have made up something else, avoiding talking about it until she was older. But Bella was right, better for her to be able to talk to me about it then to rely on what she hears in the press. "I want to be super man to her."

"And you are Edward. When she gets older, she is going to be so proud of who you are."

We sat in silence for a while longer and I let Bella's touch sooth me, calm me down.

"At least she started small," Bella murmured.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, pot alone may be a big deal to a ten year old but in the scheme of things, it could have been worse," she said, looking uncomfortable. "She could have asked about things I haven't even asked about."

I sighed and closed my eyes as my hand found immediately found their way back into my hair.

"It got so much worse after I left," she whispered. "Didn't it?"

"Yes," I said, fore finger and thumb latching on to the bridge of my nose. "I was completely fucking out of control, perpetually drunk. On every mind-altering substance you can think of. By the time I hit rock bottom, I was shooting up pretty regularly too."

"Coke?" she asked.

"Yes," I consented.

"Heroin?"

"Occasionally," I begrudgingly admitted. "But Sam was more into coke and I was not fucking picky. Booze was always my substance of choice. I still crave it more then anything."

"What was rock bottom?" she asked, forcing me to keep going.

"I forgot Nessie's third birthday," I murmured, pinching my nose again. I hated telling her all this. I felt guilty and unworthy.

"But you got her a present," Bella replied.

"That was mostly Esme's doing. I mean, I picked out the gifts and shit, but only because Esme reminded me months in advance. She made sure they got there on time."

Bella nodded after grimacing slightly. "Keep going," she said.

"I looked at a calendar a week after her birthday and realized that I completely forgot about it. I thought about you and Ness daily, but I didn't remember her birthday. That of fucking course induced another goddamn bender, but after a couple more weeks I finally acknowledged that I was killing myself."

Silent tears were sliding down Bella's cheeks now, making my heartache. I brushed them away with the pad of my thumb and pressed on.

"Alice and my parents and Emmett had all been sharing their worries rather frequently, but I wasn't listening. If anything their interference only drove me to consume more. It was like I was trying to prove that I didn't need anyone to care, I didn't need anyone's love. But after Ness's birthday, I started to think to myself that they were right. I wouldn't admit that to them of course. I was barely speaking to them. I was barely speaking to anyone. I would disappear for weeks at a time, lock myself away in my apartment and just drink and use until I didn't feel anything anymore."

Bella hiccupped and scooted closer to me so that our knees were touching. Her hands searched blindly for mine and her wide, pain filled eyes never left my face.

"And then I thought I could stop by myself. I tried to wean myself off everything. I would cut out the hard stuff before I tried to stop drinking. I tried to control the withdrawals with limited amounts of booze. And I did it, for a little while anyway. I think the longest I lasted on my own was 2 or 3 weeks. But we were on tour and Sam did not respect my decision to clean up at all and I inevitably failed. We got back from that tour and I went on another insane bender and basically ODed and Carlisle held an impromptu intervention and there was a whole lot of tears and I eventually went to treatment," I explained, taking a deep breath.

"No one told me how bad it was," she said quietly, studying our joined hands. "I don't know what I would have done if I did. I just feel like I could have helped you somehow."

"I had to want the help Bella. It took me a long time to stop lying to myself and admit I had a problem."

"Keep going," she encouraged again.

"So I went to a 90 day treatment facility and cleaned up and started going to meetings and talking with a shrink. There was some deep seeded shit going on inside of me that I didn't even recognize and talking about it made me feel so much better."

"You had so little self worth," she muttered, surprising me thoroughly. I thought I had done a good job pretending to be strong and together when I was around Bella. I guess not. "I didn't fully realize it until much later, but it was like you had been expecting me to not love you. You expected me to leave. You didn't think you were worth loving." Bella's voice hitched over her last few words and the tears started flowing at a greater rate. I pulled her into my lap and we hung on to each other for dear life, taking a moment to collect ourselves.

"Felling worthy of good things is still something I struggle with Bella, but I am much better now."

"Because your mom left. And then I left. I must have made everything worse," she said, sounding completely self-loathing.

"I didn't give you much of a choice Bella," I replied. "You shouldn't have lied to me, but you did what you needed to do to protect our daughter when I didn't. I am so thankful for that. No one would ever accuse you of enabling me."

"I suppose not. But I feel so guilty that I wasn't there for you," she pulled away from me and whipped her eyes, resuming her former position with her knees touching mine.

"I honestly don't know if it would have changed anything. And it wasn't just that. I was never very good at dealing with an excess of emotion. I was always pretty reliant on substance as a way of dealing with life."

Bella nodded, probably remembering back to the drink upon drink I consumed back then.

"So you have been clean and sober for seven years?" she asked.

"Yes, since I got out of rehab. It was so hard in the beginning, rejoining the band and getting back to my career. Not drinking or using in an environment where everyone is a fucking borderline alcoholic was a goddamn nightmare, but things eventually got easier, I got more confident in my sobriety."

Bella kept nodding, smiling for the first time in a long time.

"But I can't sugarcoat it Bella. If you are going to tie your life to mine forever, you need to understand that I am always going to be an alcoholic, that urge to have just one drink will always be there."

"But it is never going to be just one drink," Bella said, hands tightening around mine.

"Exactly. Bella, there is always that risk that I am going to slip up, that I am going to fail you. There is no cure for this, no matter how long I am sober there will always be the chance I will fall off the wagon."

"I understand," she said, her voice sounding sure but I remained unconvinced.

"But I can promise that I will do everything in my power, that I will work my very hardest to keep that from happening."

"I know," she said. "And I promise that I will always be there for you, no matter what the future may hold."

"I went to a meeting yesterday," I blurted suddenly, opting for full disclosure.

"Is that something you do often?" she asked after taking a moment to absorb my words in silence.

"I go fairly regularly when I am home, at least once a month. It is harder when I am on the road," I explained. "But I know people who know people, so it is always an option if I am feeling particularly weak or vulnerable."

"Like yesterday?"

"Yes, like yesterday."

"What made you feel weak and vulnerable yesterday?"

I paused, collecting my thoughts. "Honestly, I am not completely comfortable when you are not around. You were gone and the last time we were together in Denver, I was such a fuck up. Plus some reporter got way to close to Ness at a gas station and that had me on edge. I got stressed and in the back of my head I knew just one drink would calm me down. Talking about it helps."

She frowned.

"Bella, this doesn't mean that you need to stay near me out of some since of obligation."

"I stay near you, Edward Cullen," she said, her voice low and serious, "because I am not completely comfortable without you either. And I don't think that will ever change totally, but we will get used to it again. We will get used to being together."

"That may be true, but I am never going to stop being grateful. I am never going to take this family for granted."

"Me neither," she promised, abandoning my hands in her lap to cradle my face between her palms. She kissed me quickly and I thought it was over, but then she pulled away, eyes full of unanswered questions.

"So you haven't had a relapse? Since you finished treatment?"

"No," I said, shaking my head. "I have come damn close, but no. Do you remember, right after you started letting me have supervised visitation, the letter I gave you?"

She blushed and nodded.

"That was so hard for me, apologizing to you. I wanted to have the courage to do it in person, but I knew that you must hate me. And part of me was still angry that you left. But when I saw you, it was like you couldn't even stand to be in the same room as me. Most of the time, you would have Alice supervising."

"I remember. I still loved you so much. I didn't know how to act around you. That letter made me so happy and so sad and so lonely all at the same time."

"Part of the recovery process is making amends to those we hurt. I felt I had my biggest amends to make to you and Ness. I resolved to be the best father possible to make it up to Ness, but with you? Well I figured the best I could do for you was to leave you alone, to stay out of your life."

"Do you hear how ridiculous that is? It is back to your self worth issues."

"I know that now, but I didn't see it like that at the time. You seemed so settled, maybe not young and carefree and happy like you once were, but definitely content. I didn't want to disrupt that."

"I guess it just wasn't our time. We both have grown so much, even since then," she mused. "Thank you for apologizing. That letter meant so much to me."

"And I meant every word."

It took me a long time to fall asleep, even after the rather intense round of love making that followed our conversation. Spooned together, holding her like that, it was difficult to even recall a time when I was without her. I had lay down some heavy shit, but she seemed unfazed. I felt lighter, having her know everything and understanding better how she felt about my recovery.

I loved her, needed her, wanted to be with her always. There was no more fear that some new detail would come to light that would send her for the hills. She was in this forever because she needed me like I needed her. I understood this now.

I had wanted to propose to her at the end of our conversation. Well, I wanted to propose to her again pretty much since the moment I walked into her house to find her sitting on the counter in from of Jacob motherfucking Black, but tonight my fingers literally twitched towards the ring in my pocket.

It was nothing she hadn't worn before, but getting her a new version just didn't feel right. And though she claimed that she wasn't ready her willingness to share with complete strangers our false marital status had to be indicative of her true feelings, right?

But then I didn't want our engagement to be tainted with something so heavy from the get go, so I refrained. Soon, I promised myself.

It was with these final thoughts I was finally able to join my beloved in sleep.

BPOV

I dreamt of Edward. Edward, laughing in the ocean. Edward, young and nervous as he proposed the first time. Edward, passed out on the couch. Edward, coming as I did over and over again. Edward, alone and sick and trying so hard to deal with the weight of the world.

Our conversation had given me a lot to ponder.

I was thrilled he was confiding in me, relieved that I could handle it, ill with guilt at the thought that I wasn't there for him, and scared when he spoke of the possibility of relapse.

But we were so much stronger now. Living apart had toughened us both, and I knew that if we could handle that, we could handle anything. History had showed me that we were much better together then we were apart.

When I slowly awoke, I was immediately conscious of my proximity to Edward. Our legs were tangled together and he had one arm draped over my hip.

"Good morning," I said, smiling before I even managed to open my eyes. I could tell he was awake by the way he drew lazy circles on my skin.

"Good morning sunshine," he replied, fingertips reaching out to stroke my cheek.

"I love you," I said, tilting my face towards his touch. Still, I kept my eyes firmly closed. These were cherished moments. Soon, I would have to wake up for real and get back to the real world and deal with all the responsibility that came with growing up. But for now, Edward and I were firmly in the love bubble.

"Bella," he said in a low, serious voice. "I love you too. You are my whole world, you and Ness."

I hummed happily in agreement, and cuddled closer to him.

"Bella," he said after a moment of silence. "Are you ever going to open your eyes?"

"Eventually."

"Bella." I tried not to grin, because I was very obviously annoying Edward. He was so damn cute when he was annoyed. "I am trying to confess my undying love here, baby. The least you could do it look at me."

I sighed dramatically before slowly obliging him. I squeaked a little in surprise when I saw how close we were. Facing each other, our noses were several inches apart and our eyes were perfectly aligned.

"Hi," I said, giggling.

"Finally. I have been mentally willing you to open your eyes for at least three goddamn hours." Edward was talking at super speed, indicating his irritation and nerves.

"Sorry to keep you waiting rockstar," I said, kissing him quickly before I attempted to get out of bed. Edward prevented my departure though, grabbing my wrist before my feet even reached the floor.

"Where are you going?" he asked, wide eyed and panicked.

"The bathroom?"

"No." He tugged on my arm and I slowly resumed my former position. "No, no. Just come back. Right here. Yes, you look so beautiful with your hair all wavy and amber from the sun, fanned out around your shoulders. That's it, just like we were." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

"You are weird," I said, looking at him skeptically and earning a quick crooked smile. But soon his face went back to looking flustered and unsure.

Suddenly a familiar black velvet box appeared in the small space between our faces.

I think I squeaked a bit involuntarily when I realized what had him so nervous.

He pushed the box forward with one finger until I was cross-eyed from attempting to look at it and I felt the soft fabric against my nose.

"Now do not flip out. The way I see it, this was bound to happen eventually. I can't see myself with anyone but you," he said softly as my eyes started to water. They were the same words he once said to me, a long time ago. "I really do love you, Isabella Marie Swan. I want you now and forever. You move me, inspire me, and make me want to be a better person."

I smiled when I heard that he was just as sweet and honest and nervous as he was the first go around.

"I think you know what I am getting at with all this," he said, chuckling at himself.

I nodded and waited with baited breath for him to say the words. His hands were digging into my hips and he was so close. It took every last iota of self-control to keep from assaulting him and yelling yes at the top of my lungs.

Everything was so perfect. He knew me so well, knew that I didn't need or want anything fancy or over the top. I preferred simple and this in bed proposal in the state where we first fell apart appealed to my nostalgic side. .

It was perfection.

We were both seemingly rendered speechless from all this emotion and I momentarily got lost in his now misty green eyes. I was entranced, in awe, so unbelievably in love with every part of this man.

I was unsure when I became so enthusiastic about marriage. As of two days ago, when he basically announced his intentions to purpose soon and I complained about my ring less finger, the idea of saying 'I do' still freaked me the fuck out. But that was before we laid our souls bare for each other the night before.

I think I had always perceived marriage in the abstract. But when confronted with the reality, things were much brighter. This wasn't some nameless, faceless man. This was Edward. This was my Edward. And I wanted nothing more then to make our union official, finally.

In fact, now that I was ready, I wanted it to happen right away.

"My ring best be in this box," I commented. "You know I don't like change."

Edward threw his head back and full out laughed. It was such a rare and precious noise, I got goosebumps.

"Marry me," he said when he got his laughter under control. He sat up and I crawled into his lap, beaming like a fool as I wrapped my arms around his neck. Edward flicked open the box to reveal his grandmother's ring. My ring. The ring that spent the better part of two years on my left hand. The ring that I had most begrudgingly given back to his mother amidst a ocean of both our tears the first time I saw her post break up.

I was bouncing in Edward's lap, feeling like I was channeling my sister, and I held my hand in front of him, waggingly my fingers to indicate that I wanted that sucker back on my hand. Pronto.

"Stop wiggling, damn it," he laughed with relief as he attempted to do what I wanted. I stilled and he slipped the ring on my finger and we both just looked at it in all its glory for a moment. His thumb traced it, a gesture I became familiar with last time and I knew he was remembering too. But there was no more sadness, just a bittersweet memory of the past and the promise of a future together, no matter what.

I kissed him, long and hard. By the time we pulled away, we were both a little damp around the eyes and laughing nervously. I kissed him again and a third time for good measure before we both became all too aware of the fact that I was still only clothed in a t-shirt.

"I take it that is a yes then," he said just as things were starting to get serious.

"On one condition," I said as I straddled his lap. He stilled his magic hands and looked alarmed and a bit green but I pressed on. "I want to get married soon."

His shoulder relaxed beneath my hands and he grinned. "I don't want to wait either. This is a long fucking time coming."

"We have basically been engaged for the last decade," I murmured against his lips as his eyes drifted closed again. But I couldn't get distracted. He still obviously did not understand what I meant. "No more waiting."

"No more."

"Edward," I said, using his hair to pull him away from my neck causing him to shoot daggars at me. "I don't think you understand what I mean by soon."

"Soon. Soon, I get it. Right after we get home form the tour, however long it takes for Alice to throw something together." He once again moved towards my bare skin and I once again restrained him.

"No Edward," I said, grinning because I was about to drop a big bomb on his ass. "Soon means much sooner then that. I want to get married today."

He froze and gaped at me in shock. He always did say that I constantly surprised him, I suppose this was no different.


	27. Chapter 27

BPOV

I was standing at the alter across from Edward, my eyes glued too his face. He was clothed in a perfect fitting tuxedo complete with vest and crème ascot. Every single one of his tattoos was covered and looked nothing like his typical disheveled self.

Except for his hair. Many had tried and failed to tame it, but it was in its usual state of copper disarray. Its color was particularly brilliant this afternoon as the sun shone through the huge chapel windows, reflecting in the not too distant sea. In fact, most of the Wayfarer Chapel was windows flaked by ornate wooden beams.

The pastor just continued to drone on and I struggled to pay attention.

Edward wasn't helping. Not only was he looking especially fuckable today, but he was currently making ridiculous faces at me. He was trying to be subtle, but he was flaring his nostrils and crossing his eyes and grinning.

He was lucky Rosalie only had eyes for Emmett or it was very likely that the ultimate bridzilla would stop the ceremony to physically attack him. As it was, I tried not to giggle. She would be so fucking pissed if any of the bridal party or the 300 plus guests did anything to ruin her dream wedding. It had taken more then a year to plan. I would want it perfect too.

Edward and I had opted for a very different route ten months ago.

I smiled across the aisle at my husband (even after nearly a year of marriage, the term still had joy bubbling in me and a smile blooming on my face) only focusing on the minister again when we got to the good stuff.

Rosalie and Emmett both said their vows and I dos with tears glistening in their eyes. Well, it wasn't just them. Alice was basically weeping next to me, as were Esme and Elizabeth in the front row. Nessie, after reliving her flower girl dreams, sat between the two with her new little cousin on her lap.

Margaret Marie Whitlock was born February 16th with big serious eyes and a shocking crop of dark hair. She brought such joy to our family that was already exploding with it. Ness had taken to her cousin right away, becoming Alice's little helper. Edward called his niece Margo, a nickname that caught on with the rest of the family as well.

Both flower girls were in pale yellow dresses that matched their mother's bridesmaid dresses.

Nessie was grinning while Margo looked to be on the verge of sleep. Even Edward and Jazz looked emotional.

The priest told Emmett to kiss his bride and he did and there was cheering and Alice and I were crying all over each other. We had a quick group hug in which Alice kept chanting 'fucking finally'.

I tucked one hand in the crook of my husbands (OMG yessss!) arm while the other rested on my belly. We smiled at each other, communicating without words.

Rosalie and Emmett's wedding was gorgeous, huge, and romantic. Edward fretted that I would want this, that I would be missing out on this.

He was wrong. Ours was perfect.

* * *

10 Months Ago

EPOV

"Pardon?" I managed to chock out. My brain was fuzzy, my thoughts were like a viscous lava.

She had just agreed to marry me. Again.

Also, she was halfway naked and all up me.

It was not a winning combination for absorbing and understanding the English language.

"Today. Right this minute. I want you to be my husband right this very minute." She ran her hands through my hair and nipped at my lip that was slack with shock. This was really not what I fucking expected. Definitely a too good to be true situation.

"Wha…." I couldn't even finish this simple one word question.

"Oh honey, I hope I didn't break your brain." She kissed me quick and hard before leaping out of bed, away from me.

"Hey!" I yelled after her retreating form, her unexpected departure snapping me back from lala land. I had really thought we were about to get it on. "Where in the hell are you going?"

"Edward, there is no time for that right now! We have so much to do. Plus, I have decided it will be romantic if we wait until we are married," she giggled somewhat hysterically as she disappeared into the bedroom.

I gathered myself for a moment before taking off after her. She already had the shower warming up and was frantically brushing her teeth when I entered.

"Bella," I said cautiously. "Are you serious?"

She nodded her head vigorously and continued to brush.

"You want to get married today?" I clarified.

Again there was head nodding.

"Today?"

Bella spit, rinsed, and laughed before throwing her arms around my neck. Though I wanted to return her embrace, there was some sort of disconnect happening and I couldn't manage to move.

"Edward, rockstar, darling, baby." She punctuated each name with a quick kiss. Again, I was unable to move my lips in response despite my desire to do so. "I was so scared, somewhat irrationally so, of marriage. And I don't know why, but I am not anymore. I want to marry you right away. I want to be your wife."

I let out a shuttering breath and had to steady myself against the counter, an arm on either side of Bella. I had waited for goddamn ever to hear those words leave her lips.

"But, but… Don't you want your dream wedding and the big white dress and the whole bit?" I asked, not wanting to get my hopes up only to have to wait who knows how the fuck long to finally make her mine in every possible way. I wanted this more then I had ever wanted anything. Ever.

"Edward." She took my face in her hands and looked at me in that intense way she had that made me forget anything else even existed besides her. "Have I ever expressed any desire for any of that? I assure you I have no secret dream wedding fantasies."

"But—"

She slapped a palm over my mouth and giggled again.

"You know me better then that. I hate being the center of attention. I want to be married to you today. You and Ness are the only things I need there. Please, let's just go down to the courthouse and see if it is even possible. Pretty, pretty, please?"

Like I could fucking deny her anything, especially something I have wanted so fucking badly for so fucking long.

"We are getting married?" I asked one more time, just to be sure.

Her smile bloomed and she nodded.

"We are getting married!" I yelled and could not contain my grin. I wrapped my arms around her waist and spun her in a circle to the melody of our combined laughter. Between bursts of giggles, I kissed her.

"What is going on?"

Bella and I pulled apart to look at our daughter who was standing in the bathroom doorway with her arms crossed over her chest, looking like a mini, irritated version of her mother. I grinned at my beloved before setting her down and pulling her towards our daughter.

"Well, a whole lot actually," I said, tucking a strand of bed rumpled hair behind Nessie's ear. Bella squeezed my hand and tiled her head towards Ness, indicating that I should share our big news. "What would you think about a wedding today?"

"A wedding?" she asked, looking up at me in confusion. "Who's wedding?"

"Our wedding!" Bella squealed, bouncing on the spot.

"What!" Ness yelled back, looking back between her mother and myself quickly.

"This morning I asked your mother to marry me and not only did she say yes, but she insists that we get married today."

"Really?" Nessie asked, studying the ring on the hand Bella offered to her.

"Really," Bella and I replied in unison.

Nessie looked at us both with wide eyes before promptly bursting into tears. Bella and I shared looks of alarm before both lunging to comfort our hysterical daughters.

When it became clear after a few moments that the tears were not going to abate any time soon, I picked up my shaking daughter, Bella turned off the now steamy shower, and we relocated to the bed. I sat with Nessie on my lap while Bella crouched in front of us. Between Bella whipping the tears from her cheeks and me rubbing her back, Ness eventually calmed enough to have a conversation.

"What is wrong sweetie? Do you not want Dad and I to get married? I thought you would be happy," Bella said in her soothing mom voice.

"I AM!" she yelled, her voice surprisingly strong. "I j-j-just…hic… am sooo… hic… HAPPY." She giggled and wrapped am arm around each of our necks. "I am crying and I don't know why! This is everything I always dreamed about."

"Oh sweetheart," I said, kissing her temple quickly. "There is nothing scarier then getting everything you ever wanted. It means you have something to lose. But listen up Ness, you have nothing to worry about because your Mom and I are going to be together forever now. We are going to be a real family."

Nessie smiled then, pulling us both in for a group hug. We sat there is silence for a minute, just absorbing this new reality.

But then we had to disperse. There was a lot to do.

"Hello," I said, knocking on an office of the administration building at The Red Rocks Amphitheater. We had played a show there a couple days ago, while Bella was in New York. It might possibly have been my favorite venue ever. Definitely top three, for sure. It was outside, in the foothills. Red sandstone created naturally great acoustics. Emmett could stand on the very top row of seats while I stood on the stage and we could converse in low, indoor voices and hear each other perfectly despite the distance.

Plus it was fucking gorgeous.

Bella loved it too. I had never been here with her before, but Red Rocks was definitely on the list of favorite Colorado memories from her youth. I knew she regretted missing the show. I also knew that Bella loved to be surrounded by the natural beauty of Colorado. She once told me it would have been the perfect state if it contained the ocean and me.

This would be much preferable to the courthouse.

After rushing through my morning interviews and bailing on an afternoon press conference (much to the chagrin of Garrett and the confusion of the band), I contacted the courthouse and enlisted the services of a judge who was available for an evening wedding. For a little extra cash he was even willing to do it wherever I requested.

"How can I help you?" asked a seemingly bored assistant without looking up from his computer.

"I was wondering if I could talk to uh… Pat?" He was the manager who I meet just a few short days ago.

"Pat is out for the morning. But if you want to come back this afternoon he should be here around 2 holy shit you are Edward Cullen." The aid finally glancing up at me from behind his thick glasses, giving me that look of awe I was far to use to at this point.

"Yup," I replied, popping my 'p' the way Alice did that I found so annoying.

Shit, Alice was going to murder us.

"I— You— Damn— Wow. I caught the show the other night sir, it was really top quality," he stammered. I tried not to roll my eyes at the sir. Did I look like a fucking sir? No, I most certainly did not.

"Thanks."

"Is there anything I can do to help you? I am a huge fan."

"Thanks uh…"

"Spencer."

"Thanks Spencer, I appreciate it. What time does the park close?"

"On Wednesdays? It closes to the public at 4."

"Is there any possible way I could rent it out for the evening?"

"Uh… rent it? Well, I don't know. No one has ever done that before but yeah you can. Def, def, definitely," he managed to get out. "I, uh… the stage? Can I ask what for?"

"Yes, the stage. And for a wedding. Of course, I will pay for discretion."

"Of course, of course. Let me just call Pat and uh, I think we should be ready for you by 6."

"Perfect."

"Is there anything else you need sir?"

"Tell me Spencer," I said, once again ignoring that fucking sir. "How are you with a camera?"

BPOV

"Mommy, I like this one! Can we get it?"

"You can try it on. Are you sure you like it?"

"Yes. Do you not like it?"

"It is very pink."

"Why don't you like pink?"

"I didn't say I didn't like pink. But that is just… really pink."

Ness and I had located a nearby mall and were searching for wedding dresses. I may not have wanted the big, fancy wedding but I wanted to look beautiful on the day I became Mrs. Edward Cullen and nothing I owned would do.

"Pink is in right now."

"Pepto-Bismol pink is never in Nessie."

"Is too. Let's call Aunt Alice."

I groaned when I thought of my sister. She would kill me. She had been planning my wedding for the better part of a decade and this was tantamount to me crushing all of her dreams. I knew I had to call her, but the thought had me basically pissing my pants.

On the other hand I really could use her input.

Sighing loudly I retrieved my phone from my bag and scrolled the short way down till I located my sisters name.

She answered in a ring and a half.

"Why do I have a very bad feeling about this?" she said as she answered.

"Hello to you too, sister dearest."

"Bella, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I have a question for you. A fashion question," I said, avoiding the issue as usual.

"Shoot," she replied, still sounding weary.

"Is pink in right now?"

"What kind of pink?"

"Pepto pink." Nessie rolled her eyes at me as we continued to browse.

"Fuck no. Pepto pink is never in. A nice dusty rose however is a good color. Though probably not for you and your ridiculous blush. Though it might work, what is the occasion?" She prattled in my ear, forgetting that I had something to tell her she wouldn't like.

"Well it was actually Nessie's question. She is putting back the pepto dress now."

"What is the occasion Bella?" The skepticism was back in her voice now.

"A wedding?" I squeaked it out like a question.

"Who the fuck's wedding?" she demanded.

"Mine?"

"HOLY MOTHERFUCKING LORD OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND PRETTY AND SHINNEY IN THIS FUCKED UP PIECE OF SHIT WORLD," she bellowed as I pulled the phone away from my ear. "YOU ARE FINALLY FUCKING GETTING MARRIED AND YOU ARE DOING IT WITHOUT ME? WHAT THE FUCK BABY SISTER? DO YOU FUCKING HATE ME? ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME PASS OUT? I AM WITH CHILD YOU KNOW, THIS IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY. WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCK FUCKS WITH A FUCKING PREGNANT WOMAN LIKE THIS!"

"Shit, Alice pleased calm down."

She sputtered for another moment before taking a deep breath. "Explain," she said.

"Well, this morning Edward asked me to marry him. Again. And of course I said yes. I am just so ready to be married Alice, I can't wait any longer."

She growled.

"Please just be happy for me Alice," I pleaded.

"I am. Very happy. For both of you." Despite her words, she sounded just plain mad.

"Good."

"But I hope you know that I will be throwing you a huge party, wedding reception style. You will be wearing a white dress and Edward will be wearing a tux. Rosalie and I will be your bridesmaids and Emmett will be the best man. There will be toasts and wedding cake and dancing and bouquet tossing."

"Deal. Now, Ness and I are dress shopping. Be prepared for pictures of the two of us."

45 minutes and at least 25 pictures of dresses later, both Nessie and I were prepared for the afternoon festivities. Nessie settled on a less offensive pink dress that apparently fell into Alice's dusty rose category. I wanted to wear a blue dress being as it was Edward's favorite color on me, but when it came down to the blue dress and an off white one, the stupid white one looked so much better. It was lace and somehow managed to be a delightful combination of traditional and modern.

Alice approved and I felt beautiful so it was a win all around.

"Nessie," I said as we got back in the car that would take us back to my for now fiancé. "Are you sure you are ok?"

"Yes Mommy, I am very happy. So you love Dad?"

"I love him very much."

"And we are all going to live together now?"

"Yes darling."

"And Daddy loves you?"

"Indeed he does," I replied, grinning.

"I can't believe it is really happening," she squealed, cuddling against my side.

"It has been a long time coming honey. I love you darling," I said kissing her head and looking out the window. I didn't think that I would ever stop smiling.

"I don't want to meet you there, where ever the hell there even is. You know I don't like surprises," I whined into my phone.

"Please just let me do this for you love," he replied, sounding frazzled. "I know you will love it. So just get dressed, avoid the band, and be downstairs with Ness by 4:30 ok?"

We had opted not to tell anyone, including Emmett and the rest of the band, until we returned a married couple.

"But that is not for another two hours!" I said, pacing around the hotel room as Nessie watched me from the bed with a guitar in her lap. "I don't like being apart from you today. Or any day really. But especially today."

"I love you sunshine. Two hours isn't that long. I want everything to be perfect for you. Plus it is bad luck to see the bride before the wedding." I could hear the joy in his voice and it had me blushing.

"Right, because everything about this wedding and us as a couple is so traditional."

"This might be a nice tradition to keep."

"I guess."

"I will see you soon, Bella Swan soon to be Cullen," he whispered. It was ridiculous that my eyes were watering, but they were. I was so emotional and happy and thrilled that we were finally getting it right.

"I will be the one in the dress," I replied.

We hung up and I did a little twirl before flopping down next to my daughter. I closed my eyes and listened to the mellow music and enjoyed the warm sensation of pure happiness in my belly.

"Where are we going? The courthouse?" Nessie asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"I have no idea. Your father is planning something. We better get ready."

So we showered and blowdryed and made up and dressed. I curled my hair in big soft waves and kept my make up light and natural. I let myself have a girly moment, running my fingers over the silk and lace of the dress that I was going to get married in.

I was getting married today.

Every time I thought about it, I was smiling and giggling to myself. So I slipped the dress I was going to get married in over a matching set of light blue undergarments. I stepped into a pair of matching towering pumps and took a finally look at myself in the mirror. The dress clung to my body, stopped mid-thigh, had a high neck line, and a cap sleeve. The back was the real stunner, dipping low and fitting me perfectly leaving my back bare. I looked just as I felt, happy and in love. I spend a moment gazing fondly at the ring on my finger, when I was distracted by a flash.

"You look so pretty Mommy," Nessie said, emerging from the living room, snapping pictures as she approached.

"Thank you Vanessa," I said, choking back the tears once again. "You look lovely too, just like a little lady."

She was the perfect blending of Edward and I.

"Don't cry Mom. We have to go get married now!"

I grabbed my daughter's hand, beaming again, and opened the hotel room door only to run into Emmett. I blushed as he looked at me in suspicion.

"Bella? What is going on? Where is my brother? What is this I hear about him not doing the press conference? Peeps aren't pleased about that. Why do you two look so fancy?"

I did feel a bit bad about not telling or inviting Emmett. But Edward and I talked about it and decided that it should just be the three of us. Plus Alice would die several deaths if the band was there while she wasn't. We decided that if all of the family could not be there, then no one would.

"Nothing Emmett," I squeaked lying blatantly. "Nessie and I are just going to meet Edward for dinner before we roll out tonight. "

I squeezed passed him, dragging Nessie with me. It was difficult getting around him but we did it. As we sprinted away Emmett bellowed after us.

"I know something is up Isabella Swan! I am going to find out what the fuck it is! You might as well just tell me!"

Nessie and I waved as the elevator door closed.

We crossed the lobby and located the car. Ness chatted about how excited she was while she guessed where we were meeting Edward. I spent the ride agreeing with my daughter and staring out the window, also trying to figure out where we were going.

We were heading west, so that was a good sign. It wasn't till a few moments later when we entered the park that I figured out where the hell we were.

Red Rocks Amphitheater.

Edward had us getting married on a stage in the mountains. It was so damn fitting. He was such a closet romantic, it made me love him a little bit more. If that was even possible at this point.

I was so wrapped up in my wide eyed observation of the outside world, I didn't even notice we had stopped until Edward opened the car door next to me, offering his hand. He was all smiles, drinking me up, but his hand shook a little as it latched onto mine so I knew it was nervous.

I was glad I wasn't the only one.

After staring at him for longer then necessary, I let him pull me from the vehicle, taking a step back to revel the glory that was all of Edward Cullen. His hands had very obviously taken up residence in his hair because it was everywhere, just like it always should be. He was wearing a crisp white shirt and tie. I was shocked to see that it was buttoned all the way up and his tie was straight. His black pants and grey vest just made him look even more like a rockstar. I smiled when I saw the Vans sneakers on his feet and noticed that his sleeves were rolled up, exposing his colorful, tattooed skin.

Even his forearms were astonishingly sexy.

"Damn Isabella," he breathed, pulling me into his chest. "You look so strikingly beautiful in all that white."

"So do you," I muttered, wrapping my arms around his waist. "So beautiful… and manly, and tough," I added quickly, making him chuckle.

"Hi Daddy! You look so… I don't know like a grown up or something. Do you like my dress?" Nessie asked as Edward pulled away to embrace our daughter.

"I do indeed darling daughter."

Already my eyes were watering and I felt so foolish.

"Happy tears?" Edward whispered in my ear as one hand found the small of my back and the other reached up to whip my cheeks.

"The happiest," I replied, grabbing his hand.

"Are you ready to get married sunshine?"

"Oh yes, most definitely."

He tucked my hand in his arm and led us into the park, navigating down the stands that nights before had been packed with Vampire Sunrise fans. Huge, sloping red rocks flanked the stage. A white curtain had been pulled around the stage, hiding the industrial infrastructure. Standing in the forward center on a large carpet was a middle aged gentleman in a suit and a nerdy looking fellow who couldn't have been older then 22. There were flowers. Everywhere, decorating side tables, hanging from the curtain, circling around scaffolding.

I was really concerned that I wasn't going to be able to speak my vows being as my voice was gone from awe of this place and this man.

"What do you think?" Edward asked me quietly as we approached.

I smiled and gurgled a little incoherently in response.

"I knew you would love it," he said, squeezing my hand as we ascended the stairs. "Bella, this is Judge Martin. And Judge, this is my lovely Isabella and our daughter Nessie."

"Hello," I said stepping away from Edward with an extended hand. "Thank you so much for coming all the way out here on such short notice."

"It is my pleasure," he said, smiling warmly. "You are every bit as lovely as Edward claims. Plus I am a big fan. Hello Nessie," he said, moving to shake our daughters little hand. "It is nice to meet you. You are as pretty as your mother. Are you excited that your parents are getting married?"

"I am very, very happy," she said, smiling coyly and half hiding behind Edward's leg.

"Excellent. I understand that this is a spur of the moment decision?"

I looked at Edward, blushing. "In some ways," I answered. "The wedding itself was just decided upon this morning, but this marriage has been a long time coming."

The nerdy boy who I momentarily forgot existed snapped a picture with a very familiar looking digital camera.

"Oh Bella, this is Spencer. He works here and has agreed to take some pictures for us. Alice informed me that we need at least 100 if we want her to speak to us when we get back." Edward's hand was in his hair again and he was babbling adorably.

God, I loved him so much.

"Nice to meet you Spencer," I said, only sparing him the briefest glance. All I wanted to do was look at Edward all the time for the rest of my life.

"Shall we get started?"

We situated ourselves on the stage in front of the judge whose back was to the mountains. Ness stood to my side, bouncing on the balls of her feet, clutching Edward's grandmothers ring and a simple platinum band I purchased for him earlier in the day. Spencer moved around, capturing Alice's demanded 100 photos.

I turned to face Edward and he took my hands in his. My heart hammering away in my chest and his hands in mine were seemingly my only connection to reality. Everything else appeared too magical to be real. The perfect weather, the otherworldly quality of Edward caused by the setting sun on his face, this gloriously fitting place, and the fact that I was finally, finally, finally marrying the love of my life made everything feel unreal.

I wasn't used to all this happiness.

The ceremony was short and simple. Our vows were said with sweet, quiet conviction. I cried, Edward cried, Nessie cried. At one point I even heard a sniffle from the awkward Spencer.

Judge Martin finally got to the bit about the rings and Nessie stepped forward, handing Edward my ring and me his.

"With this ring, I thee wed." Edward's eyes never left my face, even as he struggled to find my finger blind. I did the same for him and I let out a shuttering breath.

He said 'I Do' and I thought I was going to completely lose it.

Judge Martin pronounced us husband and wife and I did completely lose it. With shaking hands and wet faces, Edward and I embraced. I cradled his jaw and he pulled me close and we poured absolutely everything we felt for each other into that kiss.

"I love you," he said forcefully, breaking away for a moment. "More then my own life." He kissed me again and I could feel his lips smiling against mine and I giggled. A little arm circled my waist and I lowered an arm to clutch my daughter's shoulder as I finished kissing my husband.

My husband.

My husband.

My husband.

Finally.

We had a quick little family hug before signing the marriage certificate and making it officially official. We were married. I had never been happier.

"Best. Wedding. Ever."

I laughed and nodded at my husband (lovely).

"It was perfect. You made it perfect. I had no idea anything could be that perfect. Thank you."

"Are you happy Mrs. Cullen?" he whispered into my hair, grinning as the car took us back to the hotel and reality. Unfortunately, posing for more pictures and a brief family dinner in the city were as much of a honeymoon as Edward and I would get. For now. He had already promised that we would go wherever I wanted with no interruptions after the tour. I knew that when I insisted the wedding be today, but it still sucked. I didn't want to share my husband (swoon) with the rest of the world yet. Or ever.

"I am so happy, husband of Mrs. Cullen," I replied, kissing him quickly as I stroked Nessie's hair as she rested with her head in my lap. It had been a long, emotional day and she was down like a sack of potatoes.

"I am not ready to face them yet," he sighed, looking out the window to the high-rise hotel that was fast approaching. "I don't want to be in a bus with a whole bunch of people. I want to spend all night inside you."

I shuttered a little into his neck. "We don't have a choice. Emmett already knows something is going on."

"What do you want to bet that we will be accosted the moment we get out of the car?"

"Chances are good. Especially since we are scheduled to hit the open highway in like 20 minutes."

Sure enough, when a recently awakened Ness and I followed Edward out of the car, we were greeted by the entire band with their arms crossed over their chests. It was reminiscent of when they caught Edward and I in the closet at the show. The memory had me blushing and biting my lip.

I really wanted him. My husband.

"Where the fuck have you three been?" demanded Seth. "Sorry Nessie."

Edward and I grinned at each other, silently communicating our combined pleasure.

"Well? It better be good, press conferences blow without you. All everyone ever wants to know is where the fuck you are, sorry Ness. Goddamn lead singer, frontman bullshit fame. But we want to know where the fuck you were too?" Sam asked, glaring.

Emmett didn't say anything, he just looked on, smirking.

"WE GOT MARRIED!" Nessie burst out. And again, like the closet incident, everyone was silent for a moment before completely freaking the fuck out. Congratulations were shared and hugs were received. Emmett picked Edward up, throwing my husband (yes!) over his shoulder and running around the parking lot. Seth and Sam sandwiched me in between their chests.

"I knew it. I motherfucking knew it when Garrett went on the rampage at you this morning. You looked so guilty, Bells, sneaking out of here with Ness this afternoon," Emmett said, still looking smug. "When did you decide to get married?"

"This morning," I said, leaning into Edward when he made his way back to me.

"Motherfucker," Emmett said, punching Edward in the arm. "You just had to get married before me little brother."

"I asked her again this morning and she just couldn't wait. She was just desperate to marry me, isn't that right Mrs. Cullen?" His grip tightened on my waist and I nodded into his chest.

"No more waiting Mr. Cullen."

I really wanted to have married sex with him. Too bad the next two nights would be spent in a bus. It was going to be unbearable.

Sam loudly declared that we needed to celebrate but Garret insisted that we were already behind schedule. It was Seth who suggested that Ness and Emmett ride with Sam and Seth in one bus.

I wanted to kiss that kid almost as much as I wanted to kiss Edward. Almost.

Edward hustled me into the bus after that. I was thankful that I had the foresight to pack pre-wedding.

The very moment the door to the bus was closed behind us, Edward pulled me flush with his body, grabbing the back of my head and putting his mouth on mine. I groaned around his tongue as I wrapped my arms around the lower part of his body, making sure that every part of him was touching every part of me.

I wanted to crawl up his body and lock all my limbs around him to insure that he wasn't going anywhere.

But I couldn't because the skirt of my wedding dress was too tight around my thighs.

"Edward," I laughed, trying to reach my own zipper and feeling ridiculous. "Help me please."

"Impatient, are we?" he murmured against my lips, his hands moving to my back and obliging my request.

"Damn right," I replied as the dress pooled at my ankles and Edward's fervent gaze racked over my body as his hands caressed my back.

I was about to voice my displeasure that he had on way more clothes then me when he kissed me again, his onslaught sending me reeling. My sexy husband lifted me, never breaking the kiss. My legs encircled his hips and my feet locked at the ankles, and I grinded into his lovely cock with a roll of my pelvis, just as I envisioned earlier.

"Goddamn, Mrs. Cullen," he moaned, his teeth grazing my neck before he nibbled on my collarbone. "You are the sexiest, most beautiful thing I have ever seen. And you are mine."

"Yours…"

Stumbling every couple of feet, Edward attempted to carry me to the bedroom. He was a bit distracted though and the bus was now in motion, making walking difficult. My back hit a wall, his knee hit a table, but somehow we made it. The bus lurched again and we fell together, Edward landing on his back as I straddled him.

Excellent.

With a renewed and frenzied gusto, my hands attacked the buttons of his vest and shirt, completely desperate for him. Edward's hands latched onto my hips and he kissed his way down my neck to the swell of my breasts in that specific way that had heat coiling in my belly.

He knew just how to touch me.

"My husband," I moaned as I roughly shoved his shirt away from his beautiful, colorful, sculpted from marble body.

Edward abruptly stopped then, sitting up and putting distance between us. Hands supporting us on the bed behind him, he stared up at me with such intensity that I believed him when he said I was his life. I believed him because he was mine too.

"My wife," he whispered, reaching out to touch my face reverently and slowly brining my lips back to his to sear me with another kiss. The heat was still there but the frenzy was gone. This kiss was slow and so lovely I wanted to cry. My heart was exploding in my chest as his hands ran over my body.

We kissed with this heady passion for seemingly ever before everything crashing in me was just too much. Once again, I tugged on his shirt, thankful when he moved to help me get him naked. He never broke the kiss even as he shimmed out of his surprisingly fancy clothes.

"You are so beautiful Isabella," he groaned as he deftly removed my bra. His tongue flicked out to tease my nipples and I shuttered against him, twining my fingers through his hair and holding him close. I snaked a hand down between our bodies as he continued this delicious torment, desperate to get in his pants.

I fumbled with his belt and zipper, huffing in frustration.

"No need to rush sunshine," he said, chuckling and grinning at me. "We have all night."

"We have forever," I corrected him, kissing him again as he lifted his hips and attempted to get out of his pants. This action, combined with the unpredictable bumping along of the bus, did wonderful things our nether regions. It was Edward's turn to be frustrated now as he struggled to be clothes free without actually letting go of me.

Deciding that enough was enough, I used his shoulders to push off him. My feet found the floor and even as he protested, I grabbed his damn pants and boxers and pulled then off his legs, wiggling out of my undies as I did so. I ended up on my knees in front of him, face to face with his truly massive cock.

Edward had the world's prettiest penis.

"Fuck that was hot," he moaned as he reached for me again.

"Well, while I am already down here…" I crooned, zeroing in on his pretty, pretty penis.

"Later," he said pulling my up from the floor and away from what I wanted. I pouted for about two second, but then Edward was thrusting into me, causing me to gasp in shock and forget absolutely everything.

He leaned back, letting me set the pace. Slow and deep. I braced myself on his thighs and refrained from closing my eyes, not wanting to miss seeing the look on my husbands face. We moved together fluidly, flawlessly. Edward and I were no longer two separate people. We were simply extensions of each other, moving together in a way that had my toes curling and my moans reaching a new pitch. I was on the brink of totally shattering around him, but Edward suddenly encircled my waist with his arms and flipping me onto my back.

I squeaked and grasped and promptly came in astonishment, screaming his name as I did so.

It was the most powerful orgasm of my life and even as I was completely boneless from pleasure beneath him, Edward somehow had managed to hold off. His eyes were tightly closed and his breathing was erratic, but apparently he was taking this rocking my world business very seriously, on this, the day of our wedding.

He opened his eyes and smiled down at me. I wiggled underneath his gaze, when I could finally manage to move again, encouraging him to continue on. My breathing was shallow and it was borderline embarrassing, how quickly he was continuing to turn me on to the point of delirium. Again.

No signs of his former restraint lingered as he pounded into me, groaning words of love and passion and forever.

"Come for me," he hissed, fingers finding my clit. "Please Isabella!"

I am not ashamed to say I did just what he said just as he poured into me.

It took us both a long time to recover, and he lay in my arms, content to just look at each other until our combined breathing reached a point where speech was even possible.

"I love you," I said, hugging him tightly before he rolled off me only to spoon himself around me, grasping my hand as my head lay on his arm.

My husband.

My husband.

My husband.

"As I love you, my beautiful Mrs. Cullen."

It was the perfect way to start a new life.

* * *

Now

EPOV

"So here is to my big brother Emmett and the always lovely Rosalie," I said, raising my glass and finishing my best man speech, speaking loudly into a mic so all 300 of Hollywood's best and brightest could hear. "May all your days be merry and bright!"

Everyone toasted, Emmett gave me a big sloppy hug, and I kissed Rosalie's cheek before quickly sitting down next to Bella at the wedding party table at the head of the ballroom.

"You sounded like you were about to sing a Christmas carol," said Bella, putting an arm around my shoulders and kissing my temple.

"I was nervous. Everyone was looking at me."

"This is small potatoes compared to being on stage in front of 30,000."

"Yeah, that makes me nervous too," I whispered as the toasts continued with Jasper who was not only a groomsmen, but had walked his cousin down the aisle.

Em and Rose's reception was very similar to the lavish party Alice threw us when I finally got back from touring early last October. Flowers were everywhere, people dressed all fancy and shit, toasts were made. Rosalie was poured into a big poufy number while Bella had worn a strapless column of white that made her look exactly like the goddess she was. Our 'reception' was in a generically fancy hotel ballroom while Rose opted for the slightly less traditional hall at the Petersen Automotive Museum, but the basics were the same.

The toasts were the one component of our party, and this one for that matter, that I found meaning in. Our family was so ecstatic that Bella and I tied the knot. I had been so nervous to tell them when we called our love ones after we were married. I was scared they would be mad that they weren't present, that we hadn't been back together long enough to get married. We called my parents first. Esme cried, saying that she was so happy that her family was back together again. Carlisle expressed his joy in a quieter way, but I knew he was as euphoric as his wife. It was Charlie that really had me freaked out. It was like I stole his youngest child, his little girl.

I would be pissed as fuck if Nessie married some dude without warning.

But the fucking Swan's are a typically surprising bunch and Charlie seemed pretty goddamn pleased. Our relationship had been steadily improving and I think he actually enjoyed my company.

Though I always knew our separation was hard on them, I didn't get the extent of the pain the family shouldered as they walked the delicate line between the two of us until Bella and I reunited. They were all very clear in their various toasts. Emmett joked about it, Jasper complained about it, but the strain put on our family by our break up and the relief they felt with our marriage was mentioned by all.

"And though it was so beyond incredibly frustrating to watch these two flounder around and pretend they could live without each other, it was all worth it because we all finally get our happy ever after," Alice had said during her speech as the self declared maid of honor, tearing as she described how hard it was for her not to meddle. "They found their way back to each other, and I am very proud of the couple they have become."

Yeah, there were definitely a lot of tears at our wedding party.

After, I took Bella to Italy for the long anticipated honeymoon. We spent two weeks exploring museums and ruins and other historical things. We also spent a lot of time naked, having all sorts of sex in all sorts of positions in all sorts of exotic location.

It was fucking great, but I was glad to get back. I was so ready to just start _being_ with Bella. I craved routine and the seeming monotony of daily family life. In the months since Bella finally became my wife, we had found such contentment in the new life we created with each other.

As promised, the band had taken a year sabbatical. Or we tried to anyway. We all only lasted a few weeks after my honeymoon before we started playing together again. We had been jamming regularly since , occasionally writing down the good shit but we didn't do anything serious. We played just for us. The result wasn't radio friendly, but we were definitely on the cusp of something new, groundbreaking even. Vampire Sunrise was currently unemployed and contactless. I knew exactly who I wanted produce our next album, but it was a pipe dream I had kept to myself. For now, the four of us were content to play because we had to in order to stay sane and spend time with our families.

And just when I didn't think my life could be any better or I could be any happier, Bella came home from work one day, dropping a pregnancy test in my lap as a way of greeting. I looked up at her with a big goofy grin before dragging her off to the bathroom and making her pee. We hadn't been officially trying, but we hadn't really not been trying either. I nearly passed out with joy at the thought of expanding our family.

She was due in 3 months and though I once again professed to want a boy, I didn't really give a shit as long as the newest Cullen was healthy with ten fingers and ten toes.

When the toasts were done and dinner was devoured, I dragged Bella to the expansive dance floor, always jumping on any excuse to hold my wife close.

"You are radiant, Mrs. Cullen," I said in her ear, sighing as she rested her head on my chest. "Absolutely glowing."

"Why thank you, Mr. Cullen," she giggled back. "And I must say you look downright fuckable in that ascot. Let's do something kinky with it later."

I stumbled a bit at her words, before regaining my composure.

"Tell me, how is Edward Jr. this evening?" I asked because I knew it would make her smile.

I was rewarded with that beautiful Bella beam and a chuckle. "I think I preferred Baby Bobby."

"What the hell is wrong with the name Edward?" I demanded with fake irritation.

"Nothing. I love the name Edward. But it is the name you have me screaming out in pleasure on a fairly regular basis and that is an awkward thing to associate with our child."

God I loved this woman.

"You are so weird, but you raise a valid point."

She giggled and blushed and stretched up on her tiptoes to kiss my jaw.

"What about making him half a junior? Like Masen. Or Anthony."

"So even you think he is a he?" I asked, palming her big belly.

"I just feel different then I did with Ness. Plus Alice says it is a boy and it is just stupid to bet against Alice."

I laughed and agreed and continue to lead her around the dance floor, observing my family. I spotted Emmett, eyes bright and completely focused on his bride. Jasper nodded at me as he spun by with Alice. I smiled back, pleased that we were basically friends again. Carlisle and Esme were the picture of ballroom grace while Charlie awkwardly shuffled around Kathleen, looking uncomfortable. And then I saw our daughter, my little girl.

"Who the fuck is that?" I demanding turning so Bella could see who I was glaring at.

"Edward. Be rational. That is Rosalie's little cousin or god nephew or something twice removed."

"He has his hands all over my little girl," I hissed.

Bella had the gall to laugh at me.

"Edward, there is about 2.5 feet between them and his hands are barely touching her hips. It is cute."

"All I fucking heard is hands and touching and hips and you calling this atrocity cute."

"Now I think you are cute, getting all fatherly and protective."

Bella convinced me to let the boy live by kissing me and pressing my hand to her round belly, to feel our baby kick. I would never lose my sense of wonder at moments such as these.

I spent the remainder of the evening avoiding my fellow celebrities, glaring at my daughter's many juvenile suitors, and always sticking close to Bella. The hour grew late and people trickled out and somehow the ace gang congregated around an abandoned table close to the dance floor.

"This is how it was always supposed to be you know," Alice said, sighing as she looked from Margo sleeping in her husband's arms to Bella and then Rosalie. "This is the exact version of the future I always saw. The timing was never exact, nor was the order of events, but we were always destined to be right here. The Ace Gang back together for keeps. And we are definitely not done expanding our numbers, but all is right with the universe now."

I glanced from the face of my very best friend, to my smiling brother and his blushing bride. I looked at Jasper who was smiling fondly at his wife and daughter. Charlie and my father were by the bar, cheers loudly to the success of their kids and the love of their spouses. My mother, Kathleen, and Elizabeth were laughing all over each other. Nessie was still on the emptying dance floor, twirling and laughing and happy. She and the woman next to me were my whole life. My eyes then settled on my glowing, smiling wife. She kissed my cheek knowingly and brought our joined hands to her belly.

I knew beyond any doubt that Alice was right.

* * *

This is the very last chapter. An epi will be up shortly but that is it. Gosh. This is making me so sad.

Thank you to Hannah and Ashley and Amanda for listening to me brood and helping get my brain focused. I love you all.

Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed or recommended or enjoyed my story. I love you all too.

I hate to be shameless but please review, it will help ease my broke heart…


	28. Epilogue A Year in the Life pt 1

Ok. Sorry this is so late, but the epilogue really got alway from me. Originally, it was only supposed to be some version of this first part entitled August but things just got out of hand. I figured I might as well post the whole thing since it is all written.

It is really ridiculously long and this is only half of it so feel free not to read the whole thing. I think the length of this sucker is just me trying to cut the cord to this story.

The second half should be up later in the week.

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who had read and reviewed and enjoyed this story. Really, it is so great.

Also, I don't own Twilight or any of the lyrics that have appeared in this story.

* * *

August

BPOV

"Mother, will you please turn that down? Some of us are trying to focus."

"Vanessa, darling daughter, two things. One, turning down the Beatles is sacrilegious and two, this house is huge. If you don't like it you can go to your room, or the library or your dad's office, or my office," I said ignoring my cranky 17-year-old as she sat pouting on a stool at the breakfast bar in our kitchen. "Dinner and dancing is a Cullen family tradition, isn't that right Masen?"

"Yes Mommy," replied my little boy from the stove where he was stirring the pasta sauce and bobbing his head as Abbey Road played over hidden speakers.

At least one of my kids knew what was up.

He was the opposite of Ness in most ways. He was shy where Ness was a social butterfly, he was studious where she was artsy. Ness was Edward with my eyes, Masen was me with Edward's eyes.

I kissed the top of his curly, dark head and he gave a crooked grin that was all Edward, exposing the hole in his mouth where a baby tooth once resided. Edward put a 20 under Masen's pillow. I thought that it was a bit excessive but Edward claimed the only reason he put up with being famous was so he could spoil his kids rotten so I didn't argue.

"What are you working on anyway Ness?" The fact alone that she was typing away so furiously at her laptop was cause for concern. Nessie was a child wonder, good at everything she tried, and basically a genius. But she had a really hard time concentrating on subjects in which she had no interest. She typically put off homework until the last moment and still somehow managed to crank out an A. It was a technique that was sure to fail in college but there was really no talking to Nessie. She would make her own mistakes.

Plus she never slacked off on the stuff she actually cared about. The girl would sit down at the piano and just play for hours. Or sometimes she would spend an entire weekend locked away in her room or out on 'location', painting away, desperate to create.

Like I said, all Edward.

"It is an application essay, if you must know," she grumbled at me, a little line furrowing between her two brows as she focused.

I crossed the kitchen and attempted to get a good look at what school she had taken such an interest in that she would be applying before her senior year even started.

I didn't like it. I should have like it, as a mother, but I didn't want to think about my baby leaving.

"Hey! No peaking!" she yelled, slamming the laptop closed with a bit more force then necessary.

"Where Vanessa?"

"Berklee College of Music," she mumbled, opening her computer slowly and resuming her typing.

"In Berkley?" I clarified, hoping in vain it was this, close option.

"Boston," she said, not making eye contact with me.

I nodded and tried not to cry and Masen looked at me like I was losing my mind, so I turned back into the music, singing at the top of my lungs.

_Once there was a way to get back homeward _

_Once there was a way to get back home _

_Sleep pretty darling do not cry _

_And I will sing a lullaby _

"Nessie," I asked, turning chopping onions as I addressed my eldest.

"Yes mother?"

"Do you remember me singing this to you when you were teeny tiny?" I asked, feeling nostalgic.

"I remember!" said Masen, tugging on my shirt. "You sang it to me. And Charlie too!"

"That is correct Mase, right you are." I kissed his nose and turned to look at Ness.

"I remember too," she said with a far away look in her eyes. I couldn't tell if the memory made her sad or happy. "Dad used to sing it too, when I would stay with him. Is that something you did together, before?"

Before is how we had come to refer to the time Edward and I were together the first time. Before he drank too much and I ran away. Before he slept with Heidi and I lied. Before we spent eight painful years without each other.

"No," I said, pausing my food preparation movements as I thought. "No, I didn't start singing that song to you until after we moved in with Gramps."

"So you both sang that to me on your own, just as a coincidence?" Nessie said, grinning at me now.

"I guess so," I said, grinning back.

"God, you two are like sickeningly in love."

"Damn right." It was funny how I was still learning things about our time apart, even after more time together then not. He was so perfect. Meant to be mine.

Masen scolded me for haphazardly slicing and my language as I was off in an Edward induced lala land. He was a perfectionist, my little man. I was about to smear a little sauce on his nose in retaliation, but a pathetic little cry let out from the baby monitor on the counter by Ness.

"See!" my daughter said, lifting the device and waving it towards me to further prove her point. "I told you the music was too loud. You woke up Charlie."

I took the monitor, turning it off and kissing Nessie's forehead as I passed, making my way to our bedroom on the far side of the living room.

The baby needed to be up from her nap now anyway if we had any prayer of getting to bed before 2 o'clock.

"Charlotte ," I cooed, crawling onto my bed next to my 23-month-old daughter. She was sitting in the center of the bed with a trembling lip and big wet eyes. Edward's eyes, once again. She was the most gingery of the bunch, had perfect bow lips and a cute little button nose.

"Mama," she chocked out between her sniffles, reaching out for me. I loved being reached out for.

I pulled her into my arms, raining kisses down on her face. "I hoped you didn't have bad dreams, my little Charlie-dove."

The latest (and hopefully last unless Edward managed to persuade me of otherwise) bundle of joy joined our brood on September 14th almost two years ago, just before my 34th birthday and a week after our anniversary. I thought I was too old to have more kids, but Edward soon convinced me of the absurdity of that thought and 9 months later we were welcoming a new little life.

September was a busy month for the Cullen family.

It was Edward's idea to name her after my dad. He wanted the name on the birth certificate to be Charlie while I wanted her to have a more feminine alternative in the future so I insisted upon Charlotte.

I pulled my daughter off the bed with me, plopping her on my hip and grinning when she snuggled into my neck. We reentered the kitchen as Masen was carefully monitoring a pot of water, waiting for it to boil. My little man loved to cook and he had his own stool he dragged around the kitchen as to be independent of my help. Though the sight of my 6-year-old standing over a hot stove freaked me out a bit, he was very cautious and never did anything without consulting me. I knew he could handle it.

"Well done buddy," I said, surveying the basically finished meal. "You are going to be doing this all by yourself pretty soon."

Again, I got the Edward grin.

Come Together (my favorite song ever, depending on the day) played on the stereo and I pulled Masen into the center of our kitchen/dance floor. With Charlie still on my hip and Masen holding my free hand we shimmed and shook to that lovely, classic rift.

Nessie groaned. She always tried so hard to be the brooding, rebellious teenager, but I knew she loved moments like this almost as much as I did. She remembered what it was like during those dark days. She knew how different and worse our lives once were. She was as appreciative of this family as I was.

_Here come old flattop, he come grooving up slowly  
He got joo-joo eyeball, he one holy roller  
He got hair down to his knee  
Got to be a joker he just do what he please_

Masen was doing a funky little walking dance that had me laughing and cheering. I moved my hips the best I could holding a baby who was giggling and clapping along. I grabbed a couple of kitchen utensils, handing one to Masen. We belted out the words into our makeshift microphones. 

_He wear no shoeshine, he got toe-jam football  
He got monkey finger, he shoot coca-cola  
He say "I know you, you know me"  
One thing I can tell you is you got to be free  
_

_Come together right now over me_

"Come on Ness, take a solo!" I encouraged, putting Charlie down next to her brother and dancing over to my first born, tugging on her hand. I knew she couldn't resist being the center of attention and she rose, pretending to be annoyed yet hiding a smile. 

__

He bag production, he got walrus gumboot  
He got Ono sideboard, he one spinal cracker  
He got feet down below his knee  
Hold you in his arms you can feel his disease  
Come together right now over me

Ness had the biggest, most powerful voice of pretty much anyone I had ever heard and she really got into it, throwing her head back and closing her eyes, hands moving to the music at her sides.

_He roller-coaster, he got early warning  
He got muddy water, he one mojo filter  
He say "One and one and one is three"  
Got to be good-looking cos he's so hard to see  
Come together right now over me  
_

Nessie grabbed Masen's hands and my children danced in front of me, still singing along through their giggles.

"Daddy!" Masen yelled suddenly as the song ended, looking at the entryway to the kitchen behind me. Everyone stopped the dance party and turned to look at the man of the house, leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest, grinning at us. He had that Edward look on his face. It was an intensity in his eyes that told me just how thankful he was to have all this, to have our children and me.

EPOV

Goddamn, how did I manage to luck out this hugely? I couldn't think of anything more perfect then coming home to the smells of Bella's cooking, the sounds of the Beatles, and the sight of my family, enjoying life so thoroughly. There was nothing that could have improved upon that moment except a lifetime of little moments, just like this.

I leaned up against the kitchen wall and enjoyed the show. My first instinct was to join them, but I couldn't seem to make myself move from my silent observation. It was a bit creepy, but this was my family. I was allowed.

God how I loved them.

Nessie had been entranced into rising from her computer and belting out the Beatles rather easily. And fuck, how she could sing. She was finally growing into her big voice, but it was still rather shocking to hear something so robust come out of someone so small. Ness was as gorgeous as always (too damn gorgeous for her own good if you asked me), but she remained tiny, Alice sized. She was planning on studying music in college and I couldn't have been prouder, even if it meant that she would probably end up halfway across the know universe.

Masen looked so much like his mother, I had a hard time saying no to him ever. Not that he needed much discipline. He was the most well behaved kid, quiet and wicked smart. He loved being his mommy's little helper and had been keeping a daily journal since he could doodle, inspired by my own word filled books. Masen made me feel better about leaving his mom when I had to travel. It was a rarity now, but even so. Masen was my redemption. I didn't miss anything with his childhood.

Not even two and Charlotte was already a hand full. She was a little pre-Madonna with quite the temper. While her siblings were shocking good, quiet babies who slept through the night, Charlie was feisty. She was the most energetic little thing. She loved to play and explore, was extremely curious, and had a very short attention span. Both Bella and I were exhausted by the end of the day.

And then there was my Bella, not looking a day older then when she first stumbled upon me at band practice. Three babies later and she managed to stay thin in all the right places and curvy where it counted. No mom jeans for Bella, the pair she had on today were tight and low cut. Her simple white button up and white converse made her look like the angle she was. Sometimes I felt like a disgustingly wrinkled old man next to her, even if she assured the new small lines around my eyes only served to make me better looking. Whatever. As long as she was happy, I was happy.

And holy shit did she look happy now.

Motherhood looked good on Bella and she radiated happiness as she danced around the kitchen with our children. I wanted to bottle all this bliss and carry it around in my goddamn pocket all day, everyday. Especially when I had to leave. Again, it was a rarity now but not totally eradicated from my life.

A tour for next summer was already in the works and I tried not to dwell on it.

Bella closed her eyes and threw her head back after setting down Charlie, slowly moving her hips in time with the music. It was probably wrong to be turned on in such close proximity to all my kids, but the things that woman did to me had definitely not diminished with the years.

Masen noticed me first as the song ended. He launched himself at my legs and I ruffled his dark hair, chuckling at his enthusiasm. Charlie tottled after him, forever Masen's little shadow. They were such good friends already and it warmed me up to see them play.

"Daddy did you see us dancing?" he asked, eyes bright with excitement. "Why didn't you dance with us?"

"I enjoyed watching!" I assured him as I picked him and his sister up, carrying them further into the kitchen. Masen was already the jolly green giant of six year olds and I wouldn't be able to do this much longer. "Damn my family can move."

"Language Edward," Bella said without much heat as she turned back to dinner. With a kid balanced on each hip, I grinned at my family.

"Sorry sunshine," I said, pleased when my smile made her blush. I loved her blush. I was the only one she blushed for. "I am just so impressed. Did you see Charlie clapping? She found the freaking beat. Not even two years old and she finds the beat!"

"Pump the breaks rockstar, she is still a baby. I don't need two of them leaving me for music school," Bella pouted turning to the fridge and continuing her meal preparation.

I raised an eyebrow at Ness, assuming that this meant that she finally filled her mother in on her plans to move three thousand miles away the next year. I wasn't too terribly happy about it, but how could I be anything but proud when she was fucking planning on studying piano?

Ness sighed loudly before kissing my cheek.

"Hi pops," she said before departing the kitchen and sitting in front of her laptop. "How was the studio?"

"Completely unproductive," I said, setting Masen down so he could finish helping Bella with dinner. "It was a long day and we are not any closer to finishing the album. Your Uncle Emmett is a child and fatherhood has really not helped Seth grow up either. "

"Oh be quite Dad, you know you love them and you know that you are secretly thrilled that it is taking so long. You love being in the studio," Nessie said, laughing at me.

"You think you are so smart Nessie Cullen," I teased back. "And I guess you are right. But things are really getting ridiculous. We probably would have made more progress if our producer had showed up."

"Edward, you know I was at the elementary school today. It was the ice cream social. Masen met his teacher for this year," Bella put in, rolling her eyes at me. Of course I knew this and a big part of what made this family work was our flexibility. Bella or I or both were always at the kids events. I considered going with them today, but Bella assured me I wasn't missing anything.

"That is right! How was it buddy?"

"Ok," he said, blushing and studying his feet. It was so Bella. "My teacher is pretty."

"Oh really?" I asked, slightly amused, looking at my wife who grinned.

"It is Ms. Scot. Margo had her last year and loved her."

"And Chloe and Matt are in my class too!" he said, beaming at me now. Rosalie and Emmett had adopted twins a couple months after Masen was born. The four of them were pretty much inseparable. Much like Ness and Colin or Charlie and Harrison, Alice and Jasper's now three-year-old son.

"Sounds like you are going to have the best year ever. The first grade is a good one, Mase. I am sure you will love it."

"Nessie, can you set the table please?" Bella asked, handing our daughter a stack of plates. "Dinner will be ready in 5."

Nessie moved around me, walking to the table as I grabbed Bella's wrist, momentarily stopping her movements. She looked like she couldn't decide if she was annoyed with me or amused.

"Have I kissed you today, Mrs. Cullen?" I asked, tilting her face towards me with her chin causing her to full out smile.

"I don't believe so, Mr. Cullen."

"That is a travesty, these lips need to be kissed everyday," I whispered, lingering against her lips before kissing her softly.

"Gross. Get a room will you?" Ness yelled in apparent disgust.

"Yeah, get a room!" Masen repeated.

"There are little eyes present!" Ness continued as I let her mother go.

"Yeah, little eyes!" Masen cried as he carried a big, colorful salad to the table. Bella handed me the dish containing the pasta, grabbing a pitcher of lemonade before we followed our son to the table. We all took our usual seats. I was at the head of the table with Bella on my right and Ness to my left. Masen sat next to Nessie and Charlie, having decided she hated her highchair a few weeks ago, stood on a chair next to Bella.

"Alright, who wants to start?" Bella asked when we were all situated around the table.

"Me!" Masen yelled, raising his hand and making me chuckle. Bella beamed at our son and nodded for him to continue. "I am thankful for Ms. Scot's nice blond hair."

I laughed out loud at that one.

"Masen!" Nessie cried, incensed. "That doesn't count. Pick something better."

"Ok. I am thankful Chloe and Matt are in my class. And Ms. Scot's nice blond hair," Masen said, grinning like the little charmer her was. "And that we have a roof over our heads!"

Masen was always thankful for a roof over our heads.

"Ok buddy, that is good. Ness?" I said, moving along this little pre-meal ritual. I was damn hungry and I was damn ready to dig in.

"I am thankful that I have a mother who loves me enough to care that I may be moving on the total opposite side of the country next year," Ness said quietly.

Bella abruptly stood up, leaned across the table, kissed both of Nessie's cheeks, and sat back down.

Bella and Nessie were very close. During the puberty years, Vanessa developed quite the little attitude. She used to make me so angry and I was too hot headed to deal with my pubescent daughter in a rational way. Bella was always there, soothing both Ness and I, calming us down. Bella never put up with Nessie crap, but was much more understanding then myself.

Not that Ness and I weren't close. She was a total daddy's girl and had me wrapped completely around that finger of hers. But there was something special about Nessie and Bella's relationship.

"That was a very, very good one Nessie," I said, quite pleased with the whole interaction. We would have to discuss all this college business eventually. Though it was only August, Bella needed as much time as possible to mentally prepare for her departure. "What about you Charlie? Are you thankful for anything?"

"Uncie Emmy baseball go boom boom!" she yelled loudly, banging on the table top with a spoon for emphasis. No one really had any idea what in the hell she was babbling about. Definitely Emmett. She was already the sporty one in the group, thrilling her uncle to no end.

"Very good darling," Bella said, kissing Charlie's chubby baby cheek. "I am thankful for everything. But if I had to be specific, I would say that today I am thankful that Masen likes his teach and that Nessie is so passionate. I am also thankful for our family dinnertime dance parties."

"I am thankful for that too," I said, gazing fondly at my wife as I kissed her hand, causing her to blush. "And I am thankful for my family."

"You always say that Dad," said Ness, rolling her eyes.

"It is always true," I defended. "I am thankful for each and every one of you every moment of every day."

"You always say that too," Masen chimed in. "Can we eat now?"

"Yes dear boy," Bella said through her laughter as she dished out pasta and meatballs on Charlie's plate and then her own before passing the bowl to me, smiling that adoring smile she reserved just for me.

"So did you really not get anything recorded?" Bella asked me as everyone tucked in.

"Well… you see… the thing was… we did some… nothing really." I took a big breath and owned up. "No sunshine, we didn't get anything recorded."

"Did you at least make some order decisions? Or cut some songs?"

"No," I replied, feeling ashamed. I didn't want to tell Bella that we spend the majority of the day screwing around and talking about our kids and messing with sound levels and making ourselves sound like Darth Vader with auto tuner.

"Edward!" she said, exasperated. "You can't have a 23 song album. It is just too long. It isn't practical. That is basically two disks. Wouldn't you rather make some cuts and do an EP a couple months later? "It can come out right before the tour."

"Yes dear."

"Edward. We are a small record company. Vampire Sunrise is pretty much our only big money maker at the moment. But even you with all your fame and all your fans are not going to be able to turn over a profit if you spend much more time in the studio doing nothing!"

"Isabella, wasn't it you that said there would be no business talk at the table during meal time?" I asked.

"You totally said that Mom," Ness added.

"Yeah you did!" Masen said.

Bella sighed heavily, knowing that she would never be able to argue with all of us. "Fine. But this conversation is not over. And I most definitely will be in the studio everyday next week."

"Ness, you don't go back for another couple weeks right?" I asked, feeling guilty for not knowing her schedule for senior year.

"Yes sir," she replied, drawling like Jasper.

"Wanna come to work with your parents?" I asked, drawling right back.

"Yes please," she replied, grinning.

"Excellent."

I wandered into Nessie's room around bedtime. Bella was cuddled down in our bed with Masen and Charlie. She was working through the Harry Potter series with them. They were on the third book and apparently 'shit was about to get real'. Charlie was obviously far too young to understand, but it was a good way to get her to transition into bedtime.

I knocked lightly on my eldest's door.

"Come in," she said.

"Debussy," I said, nodding in approval at the music she had playing softly. "He is one of your mother's favorites. Mine too, actually. I used to play Clair de Lune when she was pregnant with you."

I sat at the foot of her bed, lost in memories.

"Aw Dad," she said, kicking me playfully. "Don't get all sappy on me yet. You should have seen Mom today. She is acting like I am going away to college tomorrow. Senior year hasn't even started yet."

Nessie sat up, putting her book down and crossing her legs on the bed. She was already in her PJ's, which consisted on a huge old Vampire Sunrise t-shirt and a ratty pair of sweat pants.

"You are the one applying obscenely early," I pointed out.

"Early admission is at the end of October and I want to audition before Christmas."

"I know kid, I get it."

"Then why doesn't Mom? I don't want to go somewhere on the west coast. I want to go somewhere prestigious and challenging. I am good enough Dad!"

"Oh Vanessa. It is definitely not about being good enough," I replied.

"Then what it is about?"

"Ness you are her baby."

"I am your baby too," she retorted, frowning.

"That you are. But the thing you have to understand about Mom is that you two really grew up together." She gave me a what the fuck are you talking about you crazy moron look. "She was so young when we had you. Still just a kid herself. So as you grew, she grew."

"Wasn't it the same for you?"

"Sort of. But Ness, you know that I was a mess back them, a raging drunk. I didn't see you for a really long time." It still hurt so much to think about.

"Dad, stop beating yourself up about that. I don't even remember. I have always known you." She put a hand on my shoulder and I tried to muster a smile for her.

"You were all your mom had when I wasn't there Ness. It makes sense for her to have all this separation anxiety. But I will talk to her, you will talk to her. If Boston is something you decide you want to do, then we will support you."

"I don't want to feel guilty for leaving. It is need to go Dad. There are Cullen's everywhere here, being really great at everything. And I loved them all, but I feel like I need to do something one my own, just for me."

"Do you have any idea how proud of you we are?" We were damn fucking proud.

Ness, my little hippy child, was remarkably down to earth. She dealt with my fame and living in the lime light with remarkable grace. Bella and I did a good job keep it all from going to her head. She was kind and didn't think she was inherently better then everyone else. Even so, she was confidant in her abilities and so fucking driven.

"Yes Daddy. You tell me often enough."

"I love you daughter dearest."

"I love you too Pops. Now get out of my room old man, I gots to get my beauty sleep."

I kissed her forehead and did as she asked.

There were more bodies then desirable in my bed when I made my way to our room. Bella was still reading quietly in the lamp light despite the fact that both munchkins were done and out.

"You are aware that the only one listening to your lovely voice is me right?" I asked quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I know. Charlie just fell asleep so fast. I wanted to keep it that way, thought my voice was helping," she all but whispered.

I smiled at her and kissed her forehead before ever so gently lifting Charlie from her side. I walked my tiny daughter the crib in her room, laying her down, kissing her cheeks, and tucking her in before returning and going about the same process with her brother.

It was fucking great, being a daddy.

Bella's eyes were closed when I returned. I hoped that she was just dozing, that I could convince her to tend to my needs. It had been 3 fucking days, which was a long ass time for us. We were just so fucking busy.

I pulled off my shirt, striped down to my nuddy pants before crawling under the covers and up Bella's body. Holding myself off her with a elbow on either side of her head, I softly kissed each closed eyelid.

"Hummm…." She hummed at me without opening her eyes. "How many people are in this bed?"

"Two," I whispered, kissing my way down her throat to the base of her neck.

"Only two?"

"Well, two and a half if you count the rapid growth of Edward the Second," I said, moving lower to nip at the swell of her breast.

She giggled and spread her legs, accommodating my hips.

"Are you naked, Edward Cullen?" she said in that breathy voice she had that told me that she was well on the way to sexy time central. "A little presumptuous of you, isn't it?"

"It is practical," I murmured, continuing to work my way down, down, down as my hands ran all over her thighs.

"You are nothing if not practical," she sighed. "Which is why I don't understand why I still in this night gown."

I pushed the offending garment out of the way, letting my palm slowly trace up her stomach.

"Did you lock the door?" she half moaned.

"Sure did. Mrs. Cullen, I really don't get why you even bother with underwear most of the time." I pulled the skimpy panties down her endless legs, again letting my fingertips trail down her skin.

"What are you even doing down there? I can't see anything with you hiding under all these blankets."

"The fact that you even have to ask is really a blow to my ego."

She giggled. "Seriously, where are— Oh… I see… ohhhhhh baby do I seeee."

That was more like it. Goddamn she tasted so fucking good. Better then anything I could even imagine. I would eat her pussy all day, every day if she would let me.

It would probably make for some awkward PTA meetings.

And then Bella's hips were bucking into my mouth and her hands latched into my hair, using it to pull me up to her own mouth the very moment she finished coming. I kissed her, hard and slid into her with one long, hard thrust. We both cried out as my thrusts became more frantic. She called my name, just as I called hers, just as I always did.

"Did you ever know life could be this good?" Bella whispered in the dark as she curled up against my side. I stroked her hair and kissed her temple.

"Sure didn't sunshine," I replied as I drifted into dreamland. "I love you."

Ah, a day in the life. It was pretty fucking great.

BPOV

"Edward. Wake up rockstar."

My husband groaned and pulled a pillow over his head, making sure that my body was still pressed up against him.

"Stop whining. You are a grown ass man." I giggled and pulled the pillow away, kissing him quickly as I did so.

"Five more minutes, pleaseeeee," he groaned.

"Edward, rise and shine," I sang as I maneuvered on top of him, threading my fingers through his hair.

He hummed in pleasure but still seemed unwilling to open his eyes.

"Edward…" I breathed in his ear, nipping at the lobe. "Up now sleepyhead, we have things to do."

He opened one, peering at me from behind my hair, and abruptly flipped me over on my back as I squealed.

"Edward," I said, glaring at me as he pinned my wrists above my head and assaulted my neck. "This is not what I meant by 'up'." I wiggled against his morning wood causing him to groan.

"I think this is exactly what you meant."

I let him kiss me then, thoroughly.

All good things must come to an end I suppose and there was incessant banging on the door.

"Mommy! Why is the door locked! You said no locked doors in this house!" yelled Masen.

"Mommy Daddy mop, mop, mop!" yelled Charlie. "Mop!"

Edward flopped down, groaning again as I giggled like a lunatic.

"Occupational hazard of being a parent," I laughed, pushing Edward off me and kissing him once more before prancing off to our bedroom door.

"Good morning lovelys!" I yelled as I flung the door open. Masen sprinted to the bed, tackling Edward as Charlie tottled at a slightly slower pace. I swooped down and picked her up on my way back to the bed.

I loved having little snuggly kids in the house again. They were so adorable and fun and I loved them so much.

With Charlie in my arms, I joined Masen on the bed where he was cuddling into Edward's side, studying his father's tattoos as Edward looked on fondly at his son. I kissed Charlie's forehead and gave him a quick tickle before setting down next to her dad.

"Where do you think you are going Mrs. Cullen?"

"I have got to shower, we have things to see to today," I replied before slipping into the bathroom to shower.

I had my showers down to 5 minutes. It gave me so much more time in the mornings. Drying my hair, I made my way to our closet and smiled as I selected a pair of skinny jeans and a button up to wear to work for the day.

This uniform was so much preferable to the one I had worn at Swan. I did not miss the constant pencil skirts and blazers.

Today I slipped my feet into a pair of heels, wanting the extra height when dealing with four very tall rockstars.

I got dressed and made my way to the kitchen, pleased to see that Edward had both children eating already. He was sitting with them at the table, shirtless, tattooed, and reading the newspaper while he sipped on a cup of coffee. He even had on his reading glasses

I laughed hysterically the first time I saw him in reading glasses after we got back together. I found him in bed reading a book one night as he waited for me, glasses with thick dark frames on his face. It was just so silly, seeing my big bad rockstar in reading glasses. To this day it made me smile.

He just looked so domestic and delicious, my reformed bad boy. Except Edward was never really all that bad.

"Where are the chillybeans headed for the day?" Edward asked me, glancing up from the paper, peering over the frames on his face.

"They are spending the day with Mimi. I am sure she has big plans for you two," I said, kissing the tops of both their heads as I passed. Somehow Esme had turned into Mimi to all her grandkids, a name passed on from her own mother, while they called Carlisle Popi.

"Good! Mimi makes the best snacks. All we get at Aunt Alice's is carrot sticks. Daddy calls it rabbit food. Will we see Chloe and Matt and Margo and Harrison today?" Masen asked, making me giggle.

"I don't know. You will have to ask Mims when you get there."

"Can we go now? I am done eating. See?" He held up his cereal bowl to prove the validity of his words.

"Soon buddy. Why don't you go get dressed?" Masen short off in the direction of his room while Edward chuckled behind his paper. "You should get dressed too," I added, throwing a grape at my husband. He rolled his eyes at me but didn't put down the paper. "We are due in the studio in 45 minutes."

"Ness is planning on coming. Is she up yet?"

"I will go rouse Ness while you get dressed," I said, lifting Charlie. She too had finished eating and was splashing in her milk. I whipped off her hands, planting kisses all over her face.

We walked down the hall to my teenage daughter's room. I knocked lightly before entering, not surprised to see that the black out curtain was still pulled down over her windows.

"Vanessa…" I said as I made my way to her bed. "Time to get up if you want to go to the studio."

She groaned incomprehensibly, sounding a whole lot like her father minutes ago.

"Nessa Nessie mine mine mine," Charlie giggled, reaching out towards her big sister. I put her down on the edge of bed. She immediately crawled onto Nessie's back, hugging the top of her head. "Up now my pancake. Up now, get up. Mine, mine."

Nessie groaned one more time before rolling over and pulling Charlie into her arms.

"That is a dirty trick Mom," she said, holding Charlie close and rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "Using my baby to wake me up."

"Dirty but effective," I said. "I thought you wanted to go in with us today."

"Oh shit— uh I mean shoot. I forgot. Do I have time to shower?"

"We leave in 20. Are you sure you want to go? It might not be fun. You might see some grown men weep. They are all over due for a good butt kicking for slacking."

"If anything you have just made me want to go more," she said, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, stretching as best she could with Charlie chattering away and pulling on her ears.

"Sounds good."

I retrieved Charlie and got her dressed and made sure that she and Masen had all they would need to the day at the grand Cullens, grabbing a grapefruit and a to go mug of coffee on my way out. I was quite pleased that everyone was in the car 25 minutes later.

We quickly dropped off the wee ones and were still the first to arrive at the studio. Opening my car door, I beamed at my pride and joy before ascending the front steps. The quaint restored Victorian that Ness once described as a gingerbread house was not where one would expect to find a production studio, but that was the whole point of this venture. We called it Duck House and it was what I always wanted to do with my life.

It was really all Edward's idea, or he started it anyway.

After the sixth album, Vampire Sunrise was contract-less and not really interested in resigning with their huge ass record company. They wanted more freedom, more time with their families. They wanted it to be more about the music and less about the money.

"We have enough fucking money," Sam told me years ago. "It is creative liberties that we lack."

At the same time, I was also dissatisfied with my job. I had worked at Swan since I was 18. Closing in on 30, I was no longer willing to devote the time and energy to my career. I wasn't fully committed any longer and it wasn't fair to me or Charlie.

Then Vampire Sunrise asked me to produce their next album.

They didn't want to sign with Swan and I didn't want to work with them the way we worked with our other similarly popular acts.

The result of the following negotiations and conversations was Ugly Duckling Records. A daughter company to Swan, it was basically a division of my dad's company that would sign bands and promote them with the resources of a small, independent record company. It may not be a multi-media advertising house, but I had the connections to generate success. It was all about the music, money was on the back burner, and I made sure my bands reached the correct audiences.

I had free creative reign with the stipulation that Ugly Duckling turned some profit, something that was not hard with the fame and acclaim already associated with the first band to sign.

Even without a million dollar plus budget, Vampire Sunrise's last album went platinum.

The band had toured after as well, but I was able to set it up so they would be two weeks on the road with one week off. It was a compromise everyone could live with.

I had 15 bands signed now, not all were recording at the Duck House, but all were modestly successful and generated a healthy buzz, especially from the critics. Charlie was impressed and pleasantly surprised that Ugly Duckling was making money, but we were.

I had a hand picked staff of ten and it was enough that I had rather flexible hours.

Plus a big part of my job involved scouting new bands. Edward always came with me to the shows. It was heaven.

Smiling to myself, I unlocked the front door, pulling up blinds and making the house feel like a home as I made my way upstairs to my office. The top floor was all offices while the basement was the actually recording studio and the main level was kept mostly as it was to facilitate creative secessions and brainstorming. I gathered my notes and looked over my schedule before joining my family in the kitchen, pleased that the rest of the band had arrived.

They were all laughing and chatting animatedly. I silently observed for a moment, reveling in the sensation of being apart of something bigger then myself. Millions of people purchased their music and I was a part of the process that made that happen.

"Ok children. Settle please." I felt a bit like a teacher but sometimes that was what was required with this group. Unlike most of the other bands I worked with, these four men were so in sync, worked so well together. They had fun together and were friends first. I knew it wasn't always the case, and sometimes they bickered, but they really loved and respected each other.

They did as I asked, turning to look at me. "A little birdy informed me that you basically got nothing done yesterday so we really have to be productive today boys.

"Fucking pillow talk," said Sam, punching Edward in the shoulder as I ignored him and pressed on.

"You are going to need to make some hard decisions. We only have 7 songs with the final arrangement set so today the goal is going to be to decide what is going on the album and narrow down the arrangements. Sound good?"

"How many songs are we talking about cutting?" asked Sam, glaring at me.

"Right now, this album is going to be two disks. I want to make it one and I promise you we can do an EP in coming months. So 5. We need to cut 5 songs."

"Alrighty Bella, you slave driver you," Seth said, rubbing his hands. "Let's get cracking!"

So we did.

September

EPOV

The band had congregated on my back patio following the completion of our 8th album. It was the second with Ugly Duckling and might have been our best yet. It was a stirring 18 songs that included some of the heaviest shit I have ever written along with the most hopeful. It was our story, Bella and I's story, thinly disgusted with monster guitar solos and the use of strings, banjos, fiddles and complex beats.

It was originally many more tracks then that, but Bella insisted that songs like 'Die You Flugly Lumberjack' actually detracted from the work as a whole. I didn't think Seth appreciated the dig at his brother in law either, but he was good humored about it.

Seth was passing out victory cigars. It was a bit like we had all just had kids (something all four of us were familiar with). In a way we had just given birth and already we were damn proud.

"Cheers gents!" Sam boomed, miming tipping his non-existent top had to all three of us. "Damn good job I would say. All around."

"Here is to Bella leaving Edward's sorry ass and then coming back, the result of which may just be our best album ever!" declared Emmett, puffing away happily on his stogy.

I rolled my eyes at his words.

"Alright, as is tradition let us all announce our favorite new song and why," said Seth. "Sam you should start."

"Ok, I am a big fan of 'Ode to Drugs' cuz I can related to that shit yo. Also it has a sick bass line and is dark and sexy."

I nodded in agreement. It was a satirical piece that detailed the seductive nature of narcotics and the progressive downward spiral to rock bottom. It made Bella cry when she first read the lyrics and heard me play a rough version on my acoustic.

"Emmett?" I asked, prompting him to continue.

"I like 'Paint my Room' because that is some funny shit. Also Bella wails on the fiddle and sings like a BAMF. That was the first night I met my little sister, you know. Ah, good times."

That number was about my first bumbling attempts at courtship of Bella after I first met her. Lyrical gems included line about me ending up with a sharpied on mustache, my obliviousness to Bella's break up as well as a plethora of cheesy sexual innuendos that were quite comic. It was also fucking catchy as shit.

"Your favorite is the first single?" Sam asked. "How pussy of you."

"Seth?" I asked, ending that argument before it started yet not wanting to go myself. I had a real hard time picking a favorite.

"'Go it Again'," Seth said enthusiastically. "It is so fucking happy, like the fucking happiest thing you have ever written and I liked coming up with the bouncy guitar part."

Of course it was the fucking happiest song I had ever written. It was about finding our way back to each other.

"Oh, I also like 'Those Dark Days' because it may be the most angsty shit you have ever written and my solo leading into the bridge is sweet."

Seth was wonderful with the obvious. 'Those Dark Days' chronicled the Bella-less period in my life.

"Pick one motherfucker," Sam said, punching Seth in the arm. "Those are the rules."

"Ok fine, 'Go it Again' it is. Alright Edward, enough stalling. What is your favorite?"

Fuck, this was fucking hard. There was a song about each of my kids on Life in B Minor. 'Your Mama's Eyes,' I wrote for Nessie's first birthday. 'My Redemption,' was for Masen and 'Sunday Smiles' was for Charlie. I was the recipient of her first smile when the two of us were home alone one Sunday afternoon, it was a pretty freaking great moment. 'This Lullaby,' the song I wrote for Bella when she was pregnant with Nessie, was on the album as well.

"Fuck if I know," I said finally. "I guess the title track."

'Life in B Minor,' written in b-minor shockingly, was a bittersweet melody that strove to reconcile the mistakes of the past with hope for the future. It was a reminder to always be thankful.

I was always thankful.

October

BPOV

"Alice, you have really out done yourself this year," I said, watching Kurt Cobain (no comic book characters for Edward's kid) chase Tinkerbelle (Margo was just like her mom) in a wide circle around Bam Bam (Harrison) and Pebbles (Charlie) who were playing with blocks in the center of the living room. "I can't believe you had the time to sew all this."

"I am the costume master," replied my sister the adorable little witch. Alice was usually something witchy or punk rocky where so was able to recreate the styles of her youth. "Wait till the little Diva and Captain Underpants get here. And you, dear sister, are the hottest cheerleader in the history of high school."

"You don't think this skirt is too short do you? I am a mom now." I tugged self-consciously on the red and white pleated skirt. I was just glad that she had listened when I insisted that there would be no midriff exposed.

"Yeah, a fucking hot mom. Where the hell are Rose and Em? I am hungry and its going to get dark in like an hour."

I looked at the food set up on the counter buffet style. It didn't look particularly appetizing. Though I knew it would taste good, all the food was prepared by Alice to look gross. We had bugger dip, dirt pudding, worm sandwiches that were actually sliced up hotdogs. There were cakes and candies and cookies.

Lord, the children would never sleep after this.

"Ladies," Edward greeted as he kitchen, thumbs holding his suspenders from his body.

Alice and I laughed out loud.

He had really committed to the high school stereotype idea that Alice foisted upon us because she had a bizarre desire to make a cheerleader outfit. My rockstar was all nerded out. His black pants were pulled high on his waist, exposing inches of white sock at his ankles. His short sleeve button up was completed with pocket protector and skinny black tie. I shuttered to think of how much pomade was used to part his hair and slick it down so thoroughly. His look was completed with thick black frames, seemingly held together with tape.

Even with all that it was impossible to disguise his inner rockstar.

"Goddamn Isabella. Remind me again why you weren't a cheerleader in high school?" he asked, taking me in from head to foot. "Is it weird that I find those knee socks fuck all sexy?"

I grabbed his silly little tie, using it to pull him to my lips for a hard kiss.

"You make geek look good. Who knew Edward Cullen would be such a convincing nerd."

"Well done Edward," Alice said, her pointed hat bouncing on her head as she nodded. "Excellent job. Where is Jasper? I sent him back to the car for the punch hours ago."

"Try four minutes, you witchy woman," said Jasper, decked out in full on Civil War officer attire. No one was shocked. He wore the thing yearly. Alice often expressed her regret in sewing it for him at all. "You two look ridiculous."

"Likewise," Edward replied. "Hey! Vanessa! I see you sneaking out the door, come here darling daughter."

Nessie, with her best friend Amanda and my little brother Colin, shuffled into the kitchen.

"Sup dude," Colin said, greeting Edward. They had a secret hand shake that was quite silly and ended with a chest bump.

"Colin, nice hat," Edward replied, looking at Colin's purple furry number.

"I am a pimp," my brother explained, kissing my cheek and then Alice's.

"I can see that," I laughed.

"Hello Edward," Amanda purred, batting her lashes at my husband and sticking out her chest that was already very exposed in a tiny sailor costume. Ness and I shared eyerolls. We were used to this from Nessie's friends, not that I could really blame them. He was still mind bogglingly beautiful.

Edward, looking uncomfortable, nodded at the girl before he turned back to our daughter. "What the hell is that?" he demanded, gesturing toward Nessie's costume.

"I am a vampire," she said, the 'duh' apparent in her voice.

"Don't you think it is a little short and a little tight? Don't you think your lips are a little red and too much gunk on your eyes?"

I refrained form giggling at my husband. It was really quite sweet when he went into over protective, alpha male mode. But Ness was dressed quite modestly in an long sleeved dress and red cape, especially when compared to her friend. Or even her uncle, the pimp.

"Bye Dad," she said, ignoring him and kissing his cheek before hugging me quickly. "Bye Mom, we are going to Justin's." She scampered away, grabbing both Amanda and Colin's hands, dragging them out of the kitchen.

"Be home by midnight Vanessa! That is your curfew!" Edward yelled towards her retreating form.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," called Nessie, opening the front door.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" he yelled and winced as the door slammed. "Probably shouldn't have said that huh?"

"Not your best advice," I giggled, kissing his nerdy little cheek.

Rosalie and Emmett arrived moments later with the twins who immediately ran off to join their dressed up cousins in the other room.

"What up batches!" Emmett boomed. He was clothed in a leather jacket and tight dark pants. His dark hair was spiked. Rosalie, also in a leather jacket, was absolutely poured into an electric pink dress. Both of them looked totally washed out and wore clunky black combat boots.

"Sid and Nancy," Rosalie explained, fluffing her huge, fried looking hair.

"Nice," said Edward, grinning and nodding.

"Why the hell didn't we think of that?" bellowed Alice, who, lets be honest, could never pull off Nancy not Jasper Sid. "We never get to do couple costumes. I am never going to be Clara Barton again."

Everyone laughed at the glowering pixie.

"You do realize we are taking our children to a Halloween Dance at their school? Murder and overdoes is not really appropriate," I said, giggling.

"Whatever. I married a rockstar and having fun with shit like this is one of the many benefits. And that is really nice coming from the slutty cheerleader."

"Ok, make it PG folks, here come the children. Come on kids, lets eat!"

Everyone ate, laughing and marveling at each others costumes, before we took the kids out trick or treating. Each got obscene amounts of candy and I was thankful the next stop was the school dance where the little ones would burn off some energy.

"They are a friggen cute brood aren't they?" Emmett said, gesturing to the center of the dark gym floor with his glass of punch where our kids were dancing the Monster Mash. Charlie was bouncing up and down, held up between Chloe and Masen while Harrison held hands with Matt and Margo. "We did damn good."

"Yeah, it is kinda unbelievable. We did damn good," agreed Edward, looking quite pleased with himself. His affectionate gaze turned to me and he held out a hand, pulling me to his side. "We did damn good," he repeated in my ear, lips against my hair.

I blushed, pleased that Edward could be so pleased with his life. Happy simply being with his family, delighting in something as trivial attending an elementary school dance with his children.

"Come on Mr. Vicious," Rosalie said, grabbing the lapels of her husband's jacket. "Let's get our mash on!"

"Don't even think about it," I said, glaring at Edward. "I have no desire to get my mash on."

"I wasn't going to ask sunshine," he laughed, pulling me close again. "Do you have any idea how divine you look in the little outfit? Fuck me, you are wearing that to bed tonight. There are all sorts of naughty fantasy possibilities with this thing." He fingered a pleat, starting the subtle foreplay real early this evening.

"Then you have to wear that too, because I have some downright kinky stuff in mind."

"Really?" he breathed in my ear, a hand tightening on my hip. "Care to share?"

"Oh my god!" something, probably a banshee, screeched from behind us, interrupting our sexy little interlude. "Bella Swan?"

Edward and I both turned in shock and guilt, not recognizing the bride of Frankenstein that was zeroing in on us.

"Oh my God it is you!" said the squealing maniac, pulling me into a sloppy hug and away from Edward.

"Jessica?" I said, a bit dumbfounded, finally placing her voice. "Jessica Stanley?"

Edward stifled a moan behind me and I could feel his pain. I fell out of touch with Jessica and the whole Groupie crowd (sans Angela who had basically taken over my position at Swan) after Ness was born. It was a very intentional distancing on my part.

"It is actually Jessica Newton now," she said, flashing a gaudy ring in front of my face.

"Congrats," I said, reeling from the mention of my ex's name. I could not even remember the last time I thought about Mike Newton nor could I really picture his face.

"You just have to see him. Mike!" she yelled suddenly, bouncing and waving at someone behind us. "Mike! Over here babe, look who it is."

A costumeless name in an expensive suit soon joined Jessica, looking at us in surprise.

"Hello Bella," he said, not smiling. "It is good to see you."

Good God he was bald.

"Hi Mike," I replied, still a little stunned to see them at all.

"Edward Cullen, almost didn't recognize you," Mike said, smirking at Edward who had very deliberately draped an arm around my shoulder.

"Holy shit, Edward Cullen!" Jessica exclaimed, noticing my husband for the first time and flushing right through her white face paint. "I can't believe it is you! You are so famous now. I have all your records and I always buy the magazine when you are on the cover."

Edward rolled his eyes at this, but smiled anyway. "I appreciate that," he said tightly, looking over his shoulder, checking on the kids.

"So you two are still married? I swear that I read somewhere that you broke up like a month ago. There were even pictures," she said, looking disappointed.

"Nope," I replied, struggling to be polite. Rumors were part of the life we choice, but that didn't mean I had to be happy about it. "Still going strong."

"Wow good for you. But you haven't been together since high school though right? You broke up for awhile, not that anyone could blame you, having a baby so young and Edward here living the life of a rockstar, am I right?" she asked, waggling her eyebrows at Edward and thoroughly offending me.

"That is a story best left untold," Edward said with barely controlled distain.

"Of course, of course. This is just so strange! Seeing you here like a normal person. Everyone from high school is just so proud of you. I am the Edward Cullen authority with all my friends."

Masen saved us from having to respond, appearing next to Edward, dragging his sister along by her armpits.

"Charlie is getting cranky Daddy," he said, tugging on Edward's suspender.

"Now who is this?" cooed Jessica, leaning down to get a better look at Masen as Edward also bend to retrieve Charlie who stopped fussing the moment she was in her father's arms.

"Masen Anthony Cullen," he murmured, half hiding behind Edward's legs.

"And how old are you Masen Anthony?" she asked, tweaking his nose and causing him to grimace.

Was she always this annoying?

"6. I am in 1st grade. Can I go back with Matty now Mom?" he said, tugging on my hand.

"Of course darling," I replied, smiling at my son. "But we do need to leave soon, your sister is crashing."

He nodded and ran off to join his cousins.

"He is so cute," Jessica gushed. Bald Mike was still staring at me awkwardly while Edward glared at the pair of them, rocking Charlie back and forth as her eyes drifted closed. "Looks just like you."

"Thank you."

"Our daughter, Jazzlynn, is in 1st grade too! Who is his teacher?"

"Ms. Scot," I replied, wracking my brain for a escape route to this conversation. Also, what the fuck kind of name is Jazzlynn?

"Jazzlynn too! We just moved back. We were in New York for years with Mike working on Wall Street. She doesn't really know anyone yet. We must arrange a play date! Maybe we can even strike up a little romance. Oh my God we could be in-laws!"

Edward and I looked on in horror.

"Now who is this?" Jessica continued, getting far to close to my daughter and startling her awake.

"Charlotte, Charlie for short," Edward replied, as she retreated deeper into his chest.

"That is so cute! After your father right?"

We nodded and Charlie started to fuss again, providing us with the blessed escape I so desired.

"Goodbye Cullens!" Jessica yelled behind us. "We will have to get together soon."

"What the fuck kind of name is Jazzlynn?" Edward whispered in my ear as we made our way to the dessert counter Alice and Jasper were working.

I giggled.

"And Mike Newton is so totally bald! We are never agreeing to that play date. I would never torture our child that way."

"Agreed. Lord, that was painful. I forgot they even existed," I replied, still a little in shock.

"Forgot who even existed?" drawled Jasper, leaning back in his chair and generally being a terrible role model.

"Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley now Newton. Mike Newton is bald and they have a daughter named Jazzlynn. She is in Masen's class," Edward said, smirking.

Alice and Jasper both laughed.

"Wow Bella, and to think if things were a little different you could have been Mrs. Mike Newton," Jasper joked, causing Edward to glare. Possessive Edward was a rare thing these days, but occasionally he got all riled. It was kinda hot.

"It would never have worked between us. I need something to grab on to in the bedroom," I replied, running my hand through Edward's hair. It was all crunchy and the whole move was not as smooth as I intended because of the hair gel and everyone laughed at me.

"Anyway, we are going to take off. This one is getting sleepy," Edward said, looking down at Charlie who was sucking her thumb and looking broody.

"There is still an hour left in the dance! Tell Masen if he is not ready to go, he can come home with us," Alice offered.

"He will probably be all over that," I replied. It was a rare weekend that the four of them didn't end up at someone's house for a sleepover. Alice, Rosalie, and I were all prepared for these spurs of the moment slumber parties, equipping our homes with extra toothbrushes and P.J's.

As predicted, Masen was no where near ready to leave the party and we left him at the school with his cousins/best friends.

"Let's go home, my naughty school girl, let's get home," he said in a low voice, opening the car door for me. "There are things I want to do to you."

I really loved my life.

November

Sometimes, my daughter was a real idiot.

For someone so smart, she did some real stupid things. The brain my girl had was more then capable, but, much like her father, she was often ruled by her passions.

This was one of those times.

Edward and I had been in the studio all day, working with other bands and going over press for the release party of Life in B Minor. He grumbled about it, but it was a necessity. I wasn't looking forward to it either, but one of us had to suck it up and I knew that there was no way it would be Edward.

We had dropped Charlie off at the Whitlock household this morning. Alice had abandoned the stylist career in favor of designing her own line several years ago and often worked from home. Some days Charlie would go there, some days I would take Harrison, some days they would all go with Esme or Kathleen. We didn't have a regular schedule, but the family made it work and none of us ever had a need for a nanny. Masen and Margo usual went home with Chloe and Matty after school. Rosalie quit her job the moment the adoption was finalized, opting to be a stay at home mom and making life easier for all of us. The old saying it takes a village to raise a child was something the Cullen/Swan/Whitlock clan had taken to heart when Ness was born and still lived strong today.

Nessie was usually busy after school daily. She was still involved in 80 thousand activities including choir, jazz band, newspaper, student government, swimming, and guitar club. On the rare day she had free, she would pick up her siblings and various cousins and take the whole lot on an outing.

Today was not a day off, today she was supposed to finishing up the editing process on the latest edition of the school paper.

I definitely would not consider what ever she was doing with a boy I had never seen before editing by any means.

Edward and I had finished the studio session early and had decided take the little kids to the beach for a quick afternoon walk. It had become chilly while we were working, something the weather tended to do in November, so we decided to stop and get sweaters for everyone.

"That's strange," Edward said as we pulled in front of the entryway to the house we had shared since I finally I admitted to moving in when Nessie was 10. "I didn't think Ness was supposed to be home until late."

Frowning, I took in our daughters sporty little SUV and wondered why she was home. "Maybe they finished the paper early. That is odd though, she usually lets us know."

"This is good. She can come to the beach with us," he said, slinging an arm around my waist as we entered the house. "It has been awhile since we've had a nice family outing."

I was just about to voice my agreement when we rounded the corner to the living room. I didn't notice them at first, but I did notice Edward's abrupt change in demeanor. He came to a quick stop, letting his arm fall from my waist as his entire body tensed. Fists clenched, his face contorted into a mask of utter rage that I had only witnessed on several occasions. It was a face I associated with Edward completely losing his shit whether it was at Mike Newton for touching my shoulder when we were 17 or a pap getting way to close to his children. This was the scary, hulk version of Edward that had mostly gone away when he stopped drinking.

Edward growled and it was wrong, but I found him so incredibly hot in that moment.

My dirty thoughts quickly vanished when I took in the sight before me. My first-born was pinned underneath a very long, shirtless boy with brown dreadlocked hair. She very obviously had her hands on the buckle of his studded belt. Her tank top had also been discarded unceremoniously and was laying on the coffee table.

I was just thankful that she was still in her bra.

For a moment no one moved. Ness and her gentleman friend had paused in their actions to stare up at Edward and myself in horror. I could feel the anger radiating off my husband and placed a hand on his chest, calming him when I noticed that he was about to lunge at the boy on our couch. He reached up, grabbing my hand, holding it to his chest, and looking at me in panic for a moment.

Though I could relate to Edward's dismay, I also remembered what it was like to be 17. I shuttered, hoping that Ness was doing half of what Edward and I did. What concerned me most was that Nessie had never spoken to me about this boy. She had boyfriends in the past and was always anxious to fill me in on every detail like I was one of her girlfriends.

I was hurt that I didn't know who he was while Edward was furious that someone was touching his baby girl.

This really was not going to be a pleasant interaction.

After a moment of silent shock, Nessie completely freaked out.

"OhmyGod, ohmyGod, ohmyGod, mooooveee you idiot," she screamed, bright red, as she pushed on this boys chest. The boy remained unmoving, staring silently at Edward. Oh shit, I recognized that look. This was a fan. This kid was utterly starstruck of Edward. Really, really, not good. "Get off me, get off meeeeee."

"You heard her, get the fuck off my daughter!" Edward yelled, once again moving forward and looking obscenely dangerous. And, once again, my hand on his chest was enough to keep him from completely losing it and doing how knows what to this kid.

At Edward's harsh words, he finally moved, scrambling off Nessie and handing over her shirt. The move softened me slightly towards him. I liked that he was thinking of her needs before his own, even in such stressful circumstances. He blocked her body from view as they both pulled on their shirts.

"Holy shit you are Edward Cullen. And you are Bella Swan. And Edward Cullen. Holy fuck, Edward Cullen's daughter…" the boy muttered as I tried not to giggle at his obvious dismay.

Where did Nessie find this young man? He was unkempt. His olive green pants were hacked off at mid calf and were fraying. They reminded me of Edward. His tan t-shirt was also worn and he wore no shoes. His dreadlocks were neat and narrow and chin length. Despite the connotations associated with this particular hair style, he appeared quite clean.

Definitely not the private school type. Plus there was no one at her school who didn't know who we were.

"What the hell Vanessa," Edward said, growling again, eyes narrowed as they shot beams of hate at the disheveled boy before us.

"Dad, please calm down," she said, shooting me a pleading look. I simply shrugged. There was not a whole lot I could do. I mean we did just walk in on her shirtless.

"CALM! You are telling ME to FUCKING CALM! You— you— you— YOU ARE TELLING ME TO CALM AFTER I FIND YOU LIKE THIS WITH THIS FUCKING HOBO!"

Again, I tried not to giggle at Edward's always colorful insults.

"Dad, really. Bryan is not a hobo."

"I do not give a fuck what his goddamn name is Vanessa. I want him out of my house right the fuck now and he is never to step a foot in this fucking house a fucking gain."

I couldn't help but be reminded of the first time Edward met Charlie. It made me so happy that they were friends now and I didn't want Nessie to go through what I did. Still this situation was less then ideal and I couldn't blame Edward for flipping out a bit.

"DAD! YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO THAT!" Ness defended, going from embarrassed to enraged in a matter of moments. She had a temper to match her fathers and I could envision this going down hill real fast.

"I CAN FUCKING DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT THIS IS MY GODDAMN HOUSE AND I AM YOUR GODDAMN FATHER YOUNG LADY!"

"Hey, man, don't talk to her like that," put in Bryan. Once again, I was impressed. This kid had balls. Edward was incredibly intimidating under normal circumstances and this was far from normal.

Edward did not share in this opinion and I had to tug on his arm to keep him rooted in the spot next to me.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Are you really going to tell me what to do in my own house after molesting my daughter on my couch?" Edward had stopped yelling and his voice was now low and deadly. "Who the fuck are you?"

"I am Bryan Shay, sir. Pleasure to meet you." There was no trace of sarcasm or distain or anything not polite in his tone. The kid even stuck out his hand for Edward to shake. It quivered a little in fear, but he had the courage to do it anyway.

My daughter shared secret swooning looks.

"WHAT THE —"

"Ok," I said, cutting off Edward's next rant and deciding that it was time to control the situation. "That is enough with the yelling and the cursing. Both of you. Bryan," I said, shaking the extending hand as Edward growled next to me. "I am Bella Cullen. I wish I could say it was nice to meet you too, but I just can't under the circumstances. I am sorry, but I have to ask you to leave. We need to talk to our daughter. I hope to meet you again in a more appropriate setting and hopefully this whole thing has taught you a lesson of some sort."

"Yeah to not fucking touch my daughter," Edward said under his breath.

"Fair enough," he said, shrugging. He grabbed what appeared to be his wallet and cell phone off the coffee table, slipping into the worn Birkenstocks sitting by the couch.

"Goodbye Nessie Cullen," he said after warily stepping around Edward. He walked backward to the front door, maintaining eye contact with my daughter.

"Goodbye Bryan Shay," she said, smiling and blushing.

"I will call you," he promised, blowing her a kiss as he exited our house. "You certainly are full of surprises."

Edward, Nessie, and I awkwardly stood looking at each other for a moment before Edward let out a frustrated growl and stomped off to the music room. An instant later the dissonance of him abusing his piano reached our ears.

Ness abruptly flopped down on the couch, sighing heavily.

"Vanessa…"

"I don't want to talk about it Mom," she snapped, squeezing her eyes closed and pinching the bridge of her nose.

"We have to talk about it." I sat down next to her and placed what I hoped was a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"What are you going to say?" she boomed, standing abruptly and pacing around the living room and reminding me so much of her Dad. "Are you going to tell me to stop seeing him? To stop touching him? How hypocritical are you going to be, Mom? When you were my age you were having sex all over the place! You and Dad were going to drunken orgies and smoking a lot of weed and screwing like bunnies. You were fucking pregnant when you are my age. So what could you possibly say to me that wouldn't be incredibly hypocritical?"

I thought for a moment, a bit amused by her view of our lives before she came around and a bit concerned for this hidden anger she was displaying towards me.

"Well we certainly didn't attend any orgies. Neither of us are very good sharers."

Her glare just deepened.

"Where did you meet?" I asked finally, bringing her pacing to a stop.

"What?" she asked, gapping at me in shock.

"Where did you meet? I met your father at the very beginning of my junior year. He was practicing with the band. We had gone to school together since 8th grade but I didn't recognize him at first, which is still shocking to me because he is so good looking. We ran in different crowds and my friends didn't approve. Neither did Grandpa Charlie. We didn't care. Where did you meet Bryan?"

"You really want to know?" she said, looking at me with suspicion.

I nodded and patted the smooth leather next to me. She sighed again and sat, pulling her legs up underneath her. We turned our bodies to face each other.

"We met at the Pavement show I went to. It was like, two months ago I think?" I nodded a smiled a little, encouraging her to continue. "He was in the first row, right in front of me. You saw how tall he is, so I couldn't see anything. He offered to switch places with me, so I was in the front. And he wasn't pervy about it. He didn't grind into me all disgustingly like boys tend to do at shows. Colin likes him too. The three of us chatted between sets and he kept smiling at me and singing in my ear during Pavement. Mom, it was so cool. So after we went to a Waffle House and he got my number."

"That is a good beginning Vanessa. I like this story. Tell me about him."

"He doesn't go to my school."

"Yes I gathered that," I said, tucking a curly lock behind her ear.

"He is in public school and he plays the guitar but don't worry he isn't in a band or anything. He has lived in LA his whole life. He doesn't know his dad but his mom is really nice. He is a vegetarian and he likes really good music and he isn't like any one I have ever met. Vampire Sunrise is his favorite band. I really hope he isn't mad that I didn't say anything about Dad. He didn't seem mad."

"Why didn't you tell him about us Nessie?" I asked, struggling to understand.

Nessie picked at her dark nail polish, studying her fingers. "I guess I liked that I could be who ever I wanted with him. I was not the daughter of super star Edward Cullen and production queen Bella Swan. I liked knowing without any doubt that he wanted to be with me just because of me. You remember the Robert Green fiasco."

I nodded sympathetically. The boy who took Ness to prom the year before very obviously was only interested in cozying up to Vampire Sunrise and it really pissed Ness off. It pissed all of us off actually. I think Edward could finally understand my dad's reaction to him at that Christmas party years ago. I think it also explained the extent of Edward's anger.

"Do you feel that way a lot Nessie? Overshadowed by your dad and I?"

"Sometimes," she replied, shrugging. "But that is not your fault. Bryan just makes me feel normal."

"Yeah, we tried to give you everything but normal is one thing we have never been."

"And that is ok too. I love my life and my family, but it is nice for a break."

"Is that why you didn't tell me Nessie?" I asked, still upset that she hadn't confided in me. How the hell had she been sneaking around for two months? How the hell had she managed that? I knew that I had been real busy lately with all the studio time and Masen starting school, but I wasn't that much of an absentee parent. This just flustered me further. Nessie must have seen this because she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek.

"Sorry Mom," she said in my ear. "I just wanted to keep him all to myself for awhile."

I immediately forgave her being as I could sympathize that sentiment.

"It is ok darling. But now you owe me so spill."

She giggled and told me all the details. Their first date to the open mic night at a little coffee shop. Their first kiss on the boardwalk. The fact that she was (thankfully) still a virgin and had no immediate plans to change that.

"Ness, do you get that this half naked on the couch business was not ok?"

"In defense to myself, you were not supposed to be home until a lot later." I gave her my patented disapproving Mom look. "Ok, fine Mom," she said, blushing furiously. "It was stupid. Does Dad hate me?"

I laughed out loud at the thought.

"No. You father could never hate you. He may hate your boyfriend."

"I really wish that hadn't happened. I want you both to like him because I like him," she said, appearing to be on the brink of tears.

"I will help with the damage control Ness. But you have been lying to us for two months and it was real stupid to be carrying on like that on our couch. I don't particularly want to think about you carrying on like that anywhere but I am not an idiot. I remember being 17. Just be careful and be safe." She rolled her eyes at me but I pressed on. "Don't do anything that you don't want to do and remember that sex changes things, complicates things. Do you love him?"

She giggled. "I don't know. I think I may eventually. It has only been two months, sheesh."

"Whatever you say Nessie," I replied, smiling knowingly. I recognized that look.

"Ok Mom," she said, hugging me again. "I am sorry I lied. I won't do it again."

"Good. I am glad to here that. You know I still have to ground you for at least a week."

"Yeah I figured. I will try not to be too cranky about it. I love you Mom."

"I love you too Vanessa."

Nessie wanted to go talk to Edward right away, but I advised against it. He needed some time to calm down before he saw his daughter again. And he wasn't anywhere near calm if the crashing piano was any indication.

I watched him for a moment in the doorway to the music room. Eyes closed, he was bend over the piano, coaxing from in the most beautiful, haunting melodies. The song reached a crescendo, before trickling away to a light sprinkling of notes. When the music transformed into a familiar TV jingle, I knew it was safe to approach.

After giving his shoulders a quick massage, my hands rubbed down over his pecks before I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my chin on the top of his head. He leaned by into me, sighing and lifting his hands from the piano of rub my forearms.

"How yah doing?" I asked finally.

"Our little girl…" he murmured, sounding incredibly sad. I kissed his temple and moved to sit next to him on the bench.

"Not so little anymore. She is 17 you know, a senior in high school."

"And your point is?"

"Do you remember what we were doing at 17?"

He smirked for a moment before he glared at me, crossing his arms over his chest. "What exactly are you saying Bella? Do I even want to know?"

I tried not to laugh at him and pulled an arm away from his chest, taking his hand in mine while running a finger over his knuckles. "I am not saying that what Ness did was expectable behavior in this household, but try to cut her a little slack. She really likes this boy."

"Obviously," he quipped, his fingers tightening around mine.

"I grounded her for a week."

"Just a week? I was think we ground her until she goes away to college and then we can get her one of those chastity belt things with a key."

This time I couldn't hold back my giggle. The image was just absurd.

"You think this is funny Isabella?" he demanded, glaring at me again.

"No baby. It is not funny. But it isn't the end of the world either."

"It feels like the end of the world," he grumbled. "I don't like that she is getting older."

"Nor do I," I replied, thinking about Nessie going all the way to Boston for school. Her audition was at the end of the month and Berklee College of Music remained her first choice.

"I don't know if I can even look at her right now."

"Edward, don't be a drama queen. She is still a virgin you know."

He looked vaguely like he was going to pass out and turned a bit green before nodding.

"She doesn't drink, she doesn't smoke, she doesn't have promiscuous unprotected sex. We did a good job. She is much better then either of us at that age," I said, rubbing his back as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Much better then me maybe."

"Both of us. She wants to talk to you at some point, apologize I think."

"She really likes this asshole?"

"Yes. Apparently they have been dating for two months."

"So I will have to see him again?"

"Yes, and I hope you can at least be civil."

Edward made a skeptical sound.

"Everything will be alright, my lovely rockstar," I said. "By some miracle we managed to raise her right. She will make good decisions. Now, I still want to get to the beach and it is burning daylight."


	29. Epilogue A Year in the Life pt 2

**So this is it. For real this time. I mean it. **

**Like I said, this is just extra fluff that poured out of me so I figured I would post it. I hope you like it.**

**I have a couple future stories in the works, so put me on alert if you are interested.**

**Thank you so much. For reading. Reviewing. Sticking with me and these crazy kids.**

* * *

December

EPOV

"Here is the plan," I whispered conspiratorially with the chief. "We break into the gun cabinet and we will casually be cleaning them when this little shit gets here."

Charlie laughed, shaking his head at me.

"Edward, it is Christmas. Can't you give the kid a break?" he asked.

"No." In the weeks since Nessie's little escapade (something I was actively pretending never happened) Bryan had been around much more then I would have liked. I managed to avoid him being as his presences didn't help my denial, but my wife had taken the time to get to know the asshole.

Apparently he was quite impressive.

"He is articulate, funny, and quirky enough for our equally odd daughter. Their dynamic reminds me a bit of Alice and Jasper. Ness is all energy and dramatics, while Bryan was down to earth, laid back," Bella told me over the phone several weeks ago. I was in New York, doing album release stuff and Nessie had taken my absence as an opportunity to invite her boyfriend to dinner nightly.

According to Bella, Bryan was poor, his mom worked all the time, and he really had no one to answer to, yet he was very motivated. He worked in a small surf shop, was taking a slew of AP classes, and was planning on getting his pre-rec's out of the way at the local community college before transferring to a bigger university, reminding me further of Jasper. Ideally, he wanted to write novels, but he questioned the practicality of this and was thinking of studying journalist. He read a lot, loved the classics, and his favorite band was Vampire Sunrise.

Bella found him damn remarkable. I was not so easily swayed.

"And you wonder why I hated you so much," the chief said, still chuckling at me. I would not have been so smug if I had been forced to wear such a terrifying holiday sweater.

"I completely understand why you hated me," I replied, glaring into the unnecessary fire that crackled merrily across the room. "And you never caught me and Bella doing anything like what Nessie was doing."

"Except you were doing way more then she was doing. You knocked up my little girl! It doesn't get much worse then that," he said, clapping me on the shoulder good-naturedly.

Sometimes I was still amazed that we could banter like this. We had come a long fucking way.

"God, Chief, don't even joke about that!" I said, running my hands through my hair and he was still fucking laughing at me.

"Edward, this kid is going to have a much rougher go of it then you did. You only had to deal with me. He is going to have to deal with you and Emmett and Jasper. And me too, if it wouldn't be complete overkill."

Bryan's mom was a nurse and had to work Christmas Day, so he would be joining my family for the festivities. I didn't like it, but I was fucking out voted by all the goddamn woman folk so he was invited despite my protests.

"Not even the guns would be overkill," I muttered.

"From what Bella says, he seems like a decent guy. A little star struck by you, perhaps, but besides that decent."

I just glared and didn't respond. This little weasel had done an excellent job of winning the affection of my wife. But Bella was far too trusting and I would remain suspicious.

"You know, I walked in on much worse with Alice and Jasper. They were younger too. And it was in the car I bought Alice for her sweet sixteen. She had it for a week before defiling it. Terrible experience all around." He shuttered, causing his mustache to twitch. "Realizing your little girl isn't so little anymore really sucks."

"That is does," I said, nodding in agreement.

"What are we talking about?" Emmett said, flopping down on the couch across from Charlie and I.

"Nessie's fucking boyfriend," I mumbled with such misery that both the Chief and my brother were laughing loudly at me.

"No man is ever touching Chloe," Emmett said with conviction.

"Yeah, whatever," I dismissed.

"That is what we all say," said Charlie.

"Ah, the pleasure of raising boys," said my dad, joining the conversation smoothly. "Though the stress of having them announce that they are going to have a baby is the same, I assure you."

"Come on Dad," Emmett said. "You have to admit you were a little bit proud of Eddie over here. You know you were doing a mental 'atta boy.'"

Carlisle just grinned, shaking his head and remaining silent.

"That is my youngest daughter you are talking about," Charlie said, the cop voice on.

Emmett's face fell and we all laughed.

"Regardless of gender," Carlisle continued. "They all grow up way too fast."

I turned my attention to my younger children, sighing heavily when I realized that they were not born yesterday, no matter what it felt like to me.

We sat back, watching the little kids play with a plethora of new toys under the Christmas tree while the women folk (and Jasper's puss ass) labored in the kitchen. Cheesy Christmas music that I would never willingly admit to loving played. It was pretty fucking perfect.

Alice, Rosalie, and Nessie all joined us, with similar pouts on their faces.

"They kicked us out," Nessie explained, sitting on the arm of the couch near me. "Apparently I burn things."

"And I don't use enough butter," said Alice, plopping down next to her dad and crossing her arms over her chest.

"And I have no culinary vision," said Rosalie, sitting on my brother's lap.

The doorbell rang and all eyes snapped to Nessie and a collective 'oooooooo' went up from the crowd.

"Please, please, please you guys," she said, leaping from the couch and clutching her hands together as she made her way to the door. "Please be nice to my boyfriend. It has to be really stressful, meeting all you lunatics at once. So please, behave, for me. For once."

Everyone did their various scouts honor things, except Emmett and me. I would make no such promises.

Nessie smiled at us, took a deep breath, and opened the door as we all craned our necks to look on.

"Hi!" she said with her typical exuberance.

"Hello there," he said, smiling down at her and pulling her into a one armed hug. "Merry Christmas Vanessa."

She whispered something in his ear that caused him to chuckle and she put her hand through his arm, leading him to the family.

"Bryan, this is my Gramps, but you can call him the Chief and my Aunt Alice. They are on the Swan side of the family." They nodded and waved as Nessie went around the room. "My Aunt Rosalie and her husband Emmett. Cullen's, of course." Bryan's eyes got huge and I remembered that this kid was a fan.

"Hello," Bryan said, nodding back at each of them. "Nice to meet you all."

"My dad, Edward, of course."

"That is Mr. Cullen to you boy-o," I said, giving him my most menacing glare. The effect was somewhat ruined as everyone laughed at me.

"Don't mind him," Rosalie said. "He is just constipated."

What a charming woman.

"Right, of course sir," Bryan said, ignoring her from across the room. "Good to see you sir."

"Edward, you are being nice I am sure," Bella said, breezing into the room with the rest of the family in tow. Bryan looked a bit freaked out, but he was handling himself well enough.

Bummer, I wanted him to crash and burn.

"Hello Bryan," Bella said, fucking hugging the fucker. "Merry Christmas."

"Hello Bella," he replied, way to familiar for my liking. "It is good to see you again."

"Bryan," Nessie said, continuing the introductions. "That is my Uncle Jasper, he is married to Aunt Alice and is Rosalie's cousin. That is my Mimi, Esme and my Popi, Carlisle Cullen. And my Grams, Kathleen."

"Wow, its an honor to meet you folks," the boy said, shaking the hands of my parents who were fucking gushing over him.

"And the kids. Chloe and Matty, Rose and Em's twins. Margo and Harrison, they belong to Alice and Jasper. And that is everyone. Phew."

"Now recite it all back to us," Rosalie joke from her position on Emmett's lap. Everyone laughed but then Bryan did the undoable.

He fucking repeated back everyone's name, causing my whole fucking family to beam.

"Ness has told me so much about you," he said, putting his arm around my daughters little shoulders, "that I feel like I know you already. Thank you so much for inviting me. Oh, and here is some homemade sweet bread my mom send with me."

By the end of the meal, everyone was pretty equally in love with Bryan. I alone stayed strong.

January

BPOV

"I don't know what to wear," Edward whined in frustration, scowling into our closet. He had just exited the shower and had a towel wrapped around his hips. Little water droplets clung to the skin of his back and his hair was already a mess.

"Who are you and what have you done with my husband?" I joked as I continued to entertain fantasies of him coming back to bed.

Alas, that wouldn't be happening. Today we had important things to see to.

I was propped up on one elbow, still naked from the morning's activities, watching him as he freaked out.

"This is not a time for joking Isabella. This is serious! I want to leave a good impression," he snapped, turning to glare at me.

"You are really nervous, aren't you?" I asked, a bit amazed, as I recognized the look of panic in his eyes.

"Bella, I am a motherfucking rockstar. I don't get nervous, especially over shit like this," he said, flashing me his cocky bastard smile.

It had stopped working on me long ago.

I sighed, not wanting to get out of bed. It was rare that Edward and I had a morning to ourselves. Today, we had agreed to both speak at Career Day for Masen's class. We dropped the kids off at school and Charlie with Esme, before returning to a quite home.

For a moment we didn't know what do to with ourselves, but we quickly found a solution to fill our free time.

We didn't need to be at the school for another hour and Edward was working his way into full on freak out mode. Keeping a sheet wrapped around my body, I made my way over to the closet to assist my adorably distressed husband.

"You just need to dress like it is a regular day. That is the whole point," I said, kissing the area in between his shoulder blades, pleased when he shivered.

"That won't do. I look like a deadbeat," he muttered.

"Edward, you usually wear jeans and t-shirt. That will be fine." I wrapped my arms around his waist and tried not to giggle at him.

He just shook his head, not even communicating with worlds anymore.

At that moment, my phone buzzed on the beside table. I walked back, grabbing it and giggling as I read the text.

"It is Alice," I said, shaking my head at my sister's bizarre abilities. "She said she picked out your outfit days ago and you need to listen better. It is hanging to the far right."

45 minutes later, we were walking through the familiar halls of the elementary school, rounding the corner to Ms. Scot's classroom. Edward kept fiddling with his sleeves on the button up Alice had him in.

It was damn cute.

I had seen this man rock out for thousands, appear on TV live for millions, give interview after interview with a cocky confidence, and take on many a paparazzi, yet something about talking to a room full of seven year olds had him freaking out.

I held his hand hoping to bring him a little calm.

"I just don't want to embarrass Masen. I want him to be proud. And I don't want do mess any of them up or anything," he muttered in my ear.

"Masen is already proud. And you are great with kids and they will love you and you won't be messing them up. You have done a pretty great job at the parent thing so far," I replied quickly before walked into the classroom.

"Edward! Bella!" Ms. Scot said, rising form her desk in front of the empty classroom. "Thank you so much for coming in today. The kids are really looking forward to this. I know you are both busy and it is just wonderful that you are able to join us today."

"We are thrilled to be here," I assured her.

"Excellent. You will both go right after they get back in from recess. Just talk a little bit about what you do, what a typical day looks like, what it takes to get where you are. And then we will have some time for questions."

Edward and I nodded in understanding. Masen ran at us when the kids filled back in, smiling up at us as we hugged him. The class settled and Masen gave us the sweetest, most adorable intro, flushing with pride in us.

It made me want to cry a little, I felt so loved.

I talked for about, about Ugly Duckling and Swan and the recording process, keeping it very brief. Edward talked about being a musician, focusing on telling the kids to do what they love, that passion is everything, and that anything worth doing in life is going to be hard. It was a little public service announcementy, but it was perfect anyway and the kids hung on his every word.

We answered some questions about what it was like to be on a stage and if guitar was hard and the famous people we knew. Edward signed some autographs, handed out some Vampire Sunrise memorabilia, and we hugged our son goodbye.

It felt so normal. Though the subject may have been slightly out of the ordinary, we like all the other doctor, lawyer, businessmen, whatever parents that had talked to their kids today. It was everything I had every wanted for my family. We gave our kids stability and despite our demanding careers, they were our priority.

We made our way back to Duck House and I felt quite satisfied with life in general.

February

I can so totally not believe you are not there with your man right now!" Alice declared, nibbling on some celery and staring avidly at the television. "I mean really. Look at all the fabulous famous people." She jabbed her vegetable in my general direction and then back at the TV.

"I have been a zillion times Alice, I hate shit like that. Everyone looks at me," I explained, again, throwing a piece of popcorn at her stupid head.

"Everyone looks at you on stage. You don't seem to mind that anymore," she said, kicking me in the shins playfully. I retaliated by yanking the blanket we were sharing on her couch away from her. Things degenerated after that and we wrestled for blanket dominance before we settled back into sharing the thing.

Yes, we acted as if we were 12.

"Bella, stop distracting me from the television. The red carpet is obviously the best part of the whole show." I rolled my eyes at my sister, knowing from experience that this was not the case. The rest of the show might be boring, but at least there was no fear of falling down or looking like an awkward idiot amongst the fabulous and famous.

"I could care less about all these pretentious asshats. There are exactly two people I care about seeing and they have not arrived yet."

"What about Dad and Kathleen?"

"Fine. Four people."

"And Rosalie, and Emmett. Oh, and Seth, Bree, Sam, Emily," Alice said, listing names off on her fingers and looking superior.

"Point taken you annoying little pixie," I conceded.

It was Grammy night. The biggest night in music. All of my peers and collogues had gathered together to honor the best in the brightest in the music industry. Vampire Sunrise was nominated for several awards, including Album of the Year. Yet I was curled up on Alice's couch.

I was very proud though quite pleased at the same time that I had managed to get out of the torture.

"THERE THEY ARE! THERE THEY ARE! KIDSSSSSSSSSSS, JASSSPERRRRR, THEY ARE ON TV!" Alice said, leaping to her feet, beckoning for the rest of the brood.

Jasper trudged in, Harrison and Charlie on either hip, Margo and Chloe being dragged along, holding on to Jasper's legs while Matty and Masen circled them, screaming. Everyone pilled on the couch, chatting excitedly.

"HEY!" Alice boomed again, commanding the attention of the room. "SHUT THY MOUTHS! THE BAND IS ARRIVING,"

All of them went together in the same vehicle, deciding that there was safety in numbers. Of the eight of them, the only ones really comfortable with all the press and attention and schmoozing were Rose, Em, and Seth.

Well, and Edward's date for the evening. But her desire to be in the spotlight was the reason that I was not forced to attend so I really couldn't complain.

Sam and Emily exited the car first, followed by Em and Rose and Seth and Bree. They waved and the announcer talked about the ladies dresses, but it wasn't until the next person elegantly stepped out of the limo did everyone get really excited.

He was such a reluctant celebrity, my rockstar.

He flashed his cocky grin that somehow managed to be both confidant and humble.

It was also part grimace at the screaming fans and the flashing bulbs. He gave a brief wave before turning back to the limo, extending his hand, helping the beautiful young lady out of the car.

Vanessa looked so stunning, it made my chest cave in a little bit and a tear or two leak from the corners of my eyes. She, like her father, was clothed in an Alice Whitlock original. Her long gown was a soft lavender sweetheart neckline that was cinched at the waist with a pewter sash. The dress was encrusted with thousands of shimmering gems that sparkled in the sun. Her hair was pulled into a soft updo that was reminiscent of flappers and prohibition. Edward wore a perfectly cut black suit. I smiled when I saw the sneakers on his feet.

"Well, I have truly outdone myself," Alice said, sounding ecstatic. "They both look amazing Bella."

"They really do look great, don't they?" I said, watching Nessie tuck her hand into her dad's arm as they moved to join the rest of the band, getting away from the newest arrivals.

"Does it make you wish you were there?" Alice asked, still looking smug.

"God no," I laughed, shivering at the thought. I truly hated award shows. "Plus then Nessie wouldn't have gotten to go. Look at how happy she is!"

We continued to watch as the other artists were interviewed until finally it was Vampire Sunrise's turn.

"So you are up for album of the year and best rock album. Congratulation!" said the vaguely family, blond interviewer. "How does it feel?"

"We are honored to be here Ryan," replied a surprisingly suave Sam as the interviewer stuck his mic out to the band. "It is thrilling to have so many fans who are really in it for the music."

They answered a few more questions while Edward remained silent, looking bored. Nessie, on the other hand, was shaking with excitement and appeared to be looking everywhere at once.

"So Edward," the interviewer said, displeased with the lack of enthusiasm from the front man. "Who is this young lady with you tonight? Not your usual date, am I right?"

I giggled at Edward's barely controlled eyeroll.

"This is my daughter Vanessa," Edward said, flashing a grin at Ness who beamed. "The missus is at home with the rest of the brood tonight."

"Mom! That is you!" giggled Masen, bouncing on my lap. I kissed his temple and hugged him close.

"You look ravishing Vanessa. Can I ask who you are wearing this evening?"

"Alice Whitlock, of course!" Nessie said good naturedly. Alice squealed on the couch beside me and Jasper chuckled at his wife's enthusiasm.

"That is you Mommy!" yelled Margo.

"Of course, of course," the interviewer said, nodding. "Now tell me, how does it feel to be here at the Grammy's with your rockstar dad?"

"It is pretty cool I suppose," Nessie said, shrugging and playing it cool. "It sorta strange though, seeing my Dad here among his esteemed collogues and peers. He may be a rockstar to you but he is really just my dad. He is kinda a big dork."

Lord, she was charming. Both Edward and everyone else in the vicinity was beaming at her, drawn to the ball of positive energy that was my daughter.

She would do great things.

"So what did you do to convince your mom to stay home and miss all this?" this Ryan fellow asked.

Edward snorted before looking right at the camera and smiling that smile reserved just for me. I couldn't help but grin back, even though I felt bad for the millions of woman watching this whose panties had probably just melted at the sight.

"Oh it was easy, believe me Ryan." Nessie even winked at the guy. "I am lucky both my parents are so willing to let me experience everything life has to offer."

That was a good, noncommittal, politically correct answer and I was proud. My girl was such a pro.

My husband, however, was not.

"That is code for her mother hates these things and would rather be torn apart by wild dogs then sit through the coming hours of pointless torture," Edward mumbled, being ridiculous.

I groaned, Alice laughed.

"He really doesn't believe in schmoozing with the industry, huh?" Jasper commented, also looking entertained.

"Nope. He is lucky that it adds to his rebel, bad boy image. Though sometimes I really don't know how he succeeded. It is a miracle." I sighed dramatically as Alice complained loudly at Edward running his hands thru his hair.

Nessie defused the situation with her charm and humor before they moved along, eventually taking their seats for the main event.

_I am so fucking bored. Did you see the interview? _

My phone buzzed in my lap moments after the show itself started.

_Yup. Your daughter is a real charmer. Where she got it from, I will never know._

I replied, already bored with the event on television, but not wanting to miss a glimpse of Edward anyway.

_I am offended. You know I am fucking charming. I got you didn't I?_

I giggled and bit my lip before replying.

_That you did. Talk about a miracle. I miss you._

It was embarrassing. But I did. I always missed him when he wasn't with me.

_Then you should have come with me woman. Our daughter is enjoying all the attention a little too much._

_She looks so pretty. As do you. They just showed you on TV! You don't look happy._

They had flashed to Edward briefly during applause. He looked on the verge of sleep and was barely managing to bring his palms together. Nessie on his right seemed to make up for it and was smiling widely.

_Bella. Manly and tough. And I am not. I am bored. We are not even going to win. Real music never wins._

I frowned at my phone and the children, bored after the initial excitement of seeing their dads/uncles on television, departed. Jasper pulled out a book, laying with his head on Alice's lap while she alone remained focused on the screen.

_Oh my rockstar, the industry is a sad place. But I am so proud of what you have done despite that._

I glanced at the television, listening with half and ear as several artists signed with Swan won and preformed. They showed Charlie and Kathleen smiling in their seats, totally in their element.

_I love you._

God, the feeling was mutual.

_Ditto homes. And fuck the Grammys and fuck the industry. When you get home I will show you who the real winner is._

The camera flashed to Edward again who was smirking and shuffling around in his seat, casually readjusting his pants. I blushed at the sight.

And then the shocking happened. Vampire Sunrise won Best Rock Album.

And then Song of the Year for 'Paint My Room'.

And then finally Album of the Year.

By the last time they crossed the stage, they had turned from shocked from giddy to downright emotional. Edward said very few words, letting Sam and Seth and Em do most of the talking. But what he did say had me just about bursting with pride.

"Uh… I want to thank my family, my sunshine/producer/wife/best friend. And I want to thank everyone who bought or listened too or enjoyed the record. Thank you for proving that something real can succeed. Thank you for supporting the truth."

As it turned out, the Grammy's were a really good night.

March

EPOV

"God, I am so tired. Our family is exhausting." Bella flopped face down next to me, still clothed, on our bed.

"I can't believe that our daughter is as old as we were when she was born," I said, dropping my face to my hands, equally as dazed as my wife.

Nessie had turned 18 today and we celebrated in archetypal over the top Cullen fashion. Alice had coordinated the party in our back yard. I suppose it was your typical gourmet catered, start studded 18th birthday party complete with huge cake, DJ, dance floor.

It was ridiculous but Nessie loved it and everyone seemed to have a really good time.

After all the teens departed, Ness had gone over to Charlie's to watch a movie in his home theater in the basement with Colin, Amanda, and Bryan. The little kids were sleeping soundly.

Bella and I were alone for the first time in what felt like weeks. Life had been crazy since the New Year. I had been playing shows in the area and Bella was busy with some new band and getting our summer tour planned.

But we were sure as hell alone now.

"I know Edward, I know," she said, rolling over, wrapping her arms around my waist, burrowing into my side as I immediately moved my arm to cradle her head. "I don't feel like it has been 18 years. I don't feel that old. It went by too fast, especially since we got married."

"She is going to college soon," I said, somewhat miserably. Ness had gotten into Berklee, of course and come next August, she would be moving to Boston. It was a bizarre feeling, being so proud and so sad at the time.

"She is so old. We are so old."

I laughed at Bella, pulling her into my lap and settling back against the headboard. "We are not old. If you think we are old now, what are you going to be saying when we turn 40?"

"I don't even want to think about it," she replied, laying her head on my shoulder, looking up at me with those big brown eyes that were no less appealing to me since the day I met her when I was younger then my daughter.

"I know of a few good ways to keep you from thinking about anything," I whispered in her ear, voice dipping low as I caressed her denim clad hips.

Her breathing picked up and her arms tightened around me, her warm lips finding that spot on my neck that turned me all mushy. My fingers slipped underneath the waistband of her jeans hoisting her up so she ended up straddling me.

Her hands traced my shoulders, up my neck and into my hair, pulling my mouth to hers.

I kept my lips hovering above hers and she huffed in frustration. "You sure you aren't to tired?" I asked, unbuttoning her pants and fingertips tracing her stomach before latching onto the hem of shirt, slowly pulling the navy blouse over her head.

"Stop teasing me Edward," she said, doing some of her own teasing as she ground her hot through our clothes center into my already throbbing dick.

Every time. Every fucking time she set me on fire, even after all of these years.

"Like I could ever sleep after you got me all hot and bothered," she whispered, pulling my t-shirt over my head in return. "Come on old man, show me what you got."

I gazed at her fondly for a moment before pushing myself off the headboard, propelling us forward. Bella landed on her back, squeaking in surprise as I pinned her to the mattress with my hips.

I kissed her hungrily and she received my tongue with relish, moaning around me, attempting to pull me closer. Her hands insistently tugged on my shoulders, hips arching off the bed to met me as she struggled to take control.

That simply would not do. As per her request, I would be showing her what I got.

I loved kissing Bella. I could just go on kissing Bella for the rest of my fucking life. But it was very distracting and her hands were making all my resolve crumble and I fought the urge to strip and pound into as quickly as possible. I had some big goals for this love making and it would not happen with her fucking hands all up on me.

I continued to kiss her, suddenly incredibly irritated that there were so many layers separating us.

"Get me naked, Edward."

My name on her lips always made me shiver.

She was a demanding little thing, my Bella.

I quickly obliged her, almost falling out of bed in my haste to do as she instructed, shucking my clothes while I was at it.

Pink today. I liked pink. Pink would do just fine.

But then, without my consent mind you, she shimmied right out the delicate undergarments, wrapping her legs around my hips as she once again attempted to bring us together as she locked her ankles behind my back.

I assaulted her nipples, pleased when she began making those helpless little mewling noises that always made me basically lose my shit. I capture her wrists, manacling them in one hand and pinning them above her head.

She smirked up at me, rolling her hips against me again in a silent challenge.

"Edward!" She gasped my name as I slowly slid a finger in her dripping wet just for me love cup (she was so weird and I picked up on some of her more bizarre lingo over the years) my thumb finding her clit.

Hips bucking in my hand as she stove for more contact, I stared down at the love of my life, face aglow in passion. She was the most glorious thing I had ever seen. Bella's mahogany hair was fanned out around her head in a wavy halo. Her blush tinted her pale, smooth skin all the way down to her chest. Her fingernails dug into my hand as she fought to maintain eye contact with me, but as I continued my menstruations, her half lidded eyes rolled back in her head slightly.

It made me feel a bit like a idiotic 17 year old all over again, bumbling around, struggling not to come embarrassingly quickly.

She wailed out my name. I released her hands as she arched off the bed, giving in to the insistent urge to touch her body.

And then her tiny little hands were trailing down my chest, over the ridges of my stomach, finding my cock and rubbing the moisture that was leaking out of me over my tip before grasping my length.

I dropped my forehead to hers, groaning at her touch.

"Goddamn Isabella. Fuck you are so wet. And so fucking good at that!" I added as she her hand moved in a toe curling rhythm.

"Edward, please," she pleaded, hips coming off the bed as she struggled to get closer.

I fucking loved it when she begged. Her voice went right to my dick.

Done teasing us both with the preliminary, I thrust into her abruptly, causing us both to cry out in exultation. I was a frequent worshiper at the temple of my goddess, and each time was as perfect as the last. The boundaries between her and I blended until she and I were solidly an us, connected on every imaginable level.

One hand in my hair and the other wrapped around my rib cage, Bella rolled her hips as we set a pace the bordered on desperate.

Maybe it was because we had seen so little of each other in the last few weeks or because Nessie was 18 or because this summer would bring about yet another tour. Fuck, I don't know. But for whatever the reason, our coupling was particularly needy tonight.

Pounding into her slick, tight folds, again and again, I reveled in the knowledge that she was mine. That only I knew that the back of her knees got sweaty when she was turned on or that she preferred to come with me. Only I knew about her ridiculous phrases she used to talk dirty and just how she liked me to touch her.

She was mine. My forever. My family. My love.

And I hers.

On the verge of going completely crazy with pleasure, Bella tilted her hips up as she dug her nails into each of my cheeks, pulling my in impossibly deeper.

I panted as my grip tightened on her hips. "Fuuuuuck, Bellaaaaa," I groaned out before my brain was far too dizzy to actually form coherent words so I just kissed her again, swallowing her moans as her shoulders began to shake.

"Edward! Oh God, I love you," she moaned as she writhed beneath me.

I was also the only to know that Bella's shoulders started to shake when she was on the verge exploding around my dick.

And then she did, screaming out my name and squeezing me with all four of her limbs. The tightening and contracting of her sent me over the edge as well.

I saw stars.

Hands in the hair again, Bella pulled my face to hers, kissing me soundly as we both continued to shutter. Finally, needing some air, I collapsed forward, my face finding comfort in Bella's neck.

"Oy vay," I said after a few minutes, causing her to giggle.

"You still got it Mr. Cullen," she sighed, combing her fingers through the hair at my temples. I closed my eyes, completely content and relax in my wife's lovely embrace.

"Ditto, Mrs. Cullen."

I feel asleep with my head on Bella's shoulder, her arms wrapped around me, legs intertwined beneath the comforter.

This would always be the same. Bella and I would always find home and comfort and pleasure together like this. Even as our kids grew up and our careers demanded our time and our family was generally big and loud and interfering, we would always have this, each other.

April

EPOV

"Did Sandy dress in such skimpy clothes in the move?" I muttered during the intermission through my grin.

"Yeah, where are all the cardigans? In the movie, Sandy wore so many cardigans." I hated agreeing with my daughter's boyfriend, but I couldn't help but nod at his very accurate statement. "Also, Danny Zuko needs to keep his hands to himself."

Bryan needed to take his own advice, but I let it go.

"Oh be quite both of you," Bella giggled, playfully smacking me in the arm. "You know she is brilliant."

Damn right. My girl could sing. She was the lead in the school's rendition of Grease this year and she fucking rocked. It was opening night and the large auditorium was packed. Nessie had succeeded in making every boy in the audience fall in love with her and every girl want to be her.

Because she was awesome.

"Come one kids," Bella said, plucking Charlie off my lap as she rose. "Let's go get some snacks." Masen happily bopped on after his mother, skipping and smiling and talking about the show enthusiastically as Bella nodded.

My wife had left me alone with the enemy.

Though Bryan had been around a whole fucking lot in the last few months. Charlie and Masen loved him because he would spend hours playing with them. Bella loved him and enjoyed talking books with him. Nessie was obviously crazy about him (my mind shied away from the word love).

Rose and Alice and Esme and Kathleen all fawned over him. Even the guys liked him.

My family had basically taken him in.

But I remained distant. He was stealing my little girl and I didn't like it at all. But what could I do? I was thoroughly out voted.

"So…" Bryan said, awkwardly leaning forward in his seat and rubbing his hands together. He was always looking for opportunities like this to bond with me. "Ness says you are leaving on tour next month. Are you stoked?"

This kid was an idiot, bring up the one thing I most definitely didn't want to talk about. It was a short tour, only 22 shows. I would be home in late July, just in time to be with my family in the month before Nessie left for school. Bella and the little kids would join me as soon as school was out. Originally, Ness was going to come too but that was before the eager boy next to me popped into our lives.

"I am not looking forward to leaving my family," I said, crossing my arms over my chest, glaring straight ahead.

"Right, yeah that has to suck. But speaking as a fan, your record doesn't do you justice."

I turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow at his statement, and going on a minor power trip when he went pale and started stuttering. Sometimes, the whole badass rocker dude persona I had going on really came in handy. Of course those closest to me knew it was all bullshit and that I was goo inside, but I liked being intimidating on occasion.

"Uh… what I meant was… Your CD's are great, awesome. Really, really excellent. But seeing Vampire Sunrise live… it is just a whole new level of awesome. Your performances are just… so intense and great and awesome. Really awesome."

I smiled despite myself, knowing what he meant even with the sloppy way in which it was said.

"I agree Bryan. I love being on the stage, I just wish performing didn't involve leaving. And Nessie isn't coming this year," I grumbled.

I understood why Ness didn't want to come. It was her last summer at home, she had her boyfriend and her friends, and her life here. I still didn't like the fact that she would be staying with the Whitlock's this summer

"Sorry about that," he said, paling again, looking everywhere but at me. "It sounds like a blast, from what Nessie has told me."

And then I had an idea. A glorious, crazy idea. Maybe everyone could get just what they wanted this summer.

But then Bella came back and Masen handed me a big cookie smiling at me with frosting all over his mouth. Charlie ended up back on my lap and Bella grabbed my hand as the house lights dimmed and the music mounted.

Ness danced, sang, and pranced around the stage. For the next hour, my daughter commanded the attention of the entire auditorium. All the while I plotted to get Nessie on tour.

"I don't want Vanessa to stay here all alone this summer," I said without preamble, sitting down across from Bella as she typed furiously at her office computer in the Duck House.

"Edward… I am not happy about it either," she said, eyes never straying from the screen. "But we have talked about this. And she won't be alone. She is staying with Jasper and Alice."

"I have an idea."

"Oh God." Still, she didn't look at me.

"It is a good one," I huffed.

"Alright," she said, pulling away from her computer and relocating, leaning against her desk as she stood in front of me. Bella from this angle (and most angles actually) was very distracting. "What is this in genius plan?"

"Bring him."

"Bring who?" she asked, scooting back on the desk so her legs dangled, swaying enticingly in from of me.

"Bryan."

"Bring Bryan?"

"On tour."

"Bring Bryan on tour?" The skepticism was apparent in her voice so I went into wheeling and dealing mode.

"Hear me out ok," I said, standing in front of her running my hands up her skirt clad thighs. "The reason Ness isn't coming is because she wants to spend the summer with her boyfriend. So we bring her boyfriend on tour. No problem."

"But—"

"Plus he is a huge fan. This would be like a dream come true for him," I pressed on, pulling her forward across the desk so she was closer to my body.

"That is true. I still don't—"

"We could give him a job! I know he is paying for her own college so he could be like a roadie in training. Plus it would be a cool reference for him. He can bunk with the crew too."

"Edward, don't you think that is weird?"

"There is nothing wrong with a little weirdness. Come on Bella, it is the only way we will all be together this summer. I thought you liked the kid. He is at the house all the time," I said, leaning forward and making sure that all of her was pressed against me.

"I still don't know—"

"Just say you will think about it sunshine," I whispered in her ear, grazing her lobe with my teeth. I grinned when she shuttered a little and weaved her fingers into my hair.

"I will think about it."

May

It was time for me to leave. Again. It was touring season and I was leaving my family. Again. I knew it was just for a couple weeks until school got out, but it still fucking sucked.

I really hated saying goodbye.

Though I was a lot less bitchy about the whole situation.

I mean they would be joining me soon. All of them. And an ecstatic Bryan, but I was trying not to think about that.

"Dude," I said to Ness as we gathered for said goodbye by the front door of our house. "The next time I see you, you are going to be a high school graduate!"

"I KNOW!" she yelled, grabbing my arm and hopping alone next to me. "I am so excited to be done with high school yet at the same time I feel so old."

I snorted at her, rolling my eyes and shaking my head. Everyone was feeling old these days,

"You are soooo old Nessie! I can't believe you are all done with school. You are like a grown up!" Masen giggled, bouncing along next to his sister.

"Shut it pip squeak. You know you are going to miss me when I leave," she replied, causing Masen to stop abruptly.

"I don't want you to leave," he said, looking up at Nessie with big, sad eyes.

"I know kid. I am going to miss you too," she slung an arm around his shoulders. "But we have all summer to just hang out. Ok?"

"Ok," he replied, smiling lopsidedly.

"Car's here," Bella, materializing out of nowhere with Charlie on her hip, whispered in my ear. I grimaced at the thought, feeling as shitty as always when my presence was required somewhere other then here, with my family.

"Bye Pops," Nessie said, giving me a hug and kissing my cheek. "Catch you on the flip side."

"Love you Vanessa."

Next I picked up Charlie, kissing her cheeks and hugging her tightly. I turned to Masen last because he always got the most upset about my departures.

"Hey buddy," I said, getting down on a knee so I was eye level with him. He was looking at his shuffling feet so I tilted his face up. "I am going to miss you."

Tears pooled in his eyes and I felt like shit, I pulled him into a hug. He launched himself at me, locking his arms around my neck. I stood and walked a small distance from the rest of the family, giving the little guy some privacy.

"I don't want you to go," he sobbed into my shoulder.

"I know Mase, I don't want to go either. But I have too. It is just for a couple of weeks and you are going to stay busy with the end of school and your friends and your cousins," I said, patting his shaking back.

"I guess," he sniffed.

"The next three weeks are going to go really quick. I will be back for Nessie's graduation and then we are all going out on the road."

"I like the road." Masen pulled back excitedly, smiling at me as I whipped the tears from his cheeks.

"I know. We are going to have a fun summer. Do you remember what I told you the last time I left?"

"That it's not goodbye it's I'll see you later?"

"That's right buddy," I laughed. "What else?"

"That I have to watch out for Nessie and Mommy and Charlie for you while you are gone because I am your little man," he said proudly.

"Yup. I love you Masen," I said, hugging him again as we walked back over to the rest of the family. I enjoyed a group hug with my kids before finally turning to my wife.

"Oh sunshine," I said, pulling her into my chest. "What am I going to do for the next three weeks?"

"Probably completely fall apart," she replied, wrapping her arms around my waist and smiling sadly up at me.

"No tears, Isabella." I kissed her forehead and buried my face in her hair.

"I know. I feel ridiculous. I love you."

"I love you too. I am going to miss you so much." I kissed her with probably too much tongue until Nessie sighed dramatically and Masen giggled and the waiting car honked and it was time to go.

I walked to the door, giving the people most important to me a final wave. "Bye bye my loving family, I will miss you tons!"

"See you soon!" Masen said.

"Melt some faces!" Nessie said.

"Soon faces Daddy!" Charlie said.

"I love you rockstar!" Bella said.

T-minus 21 days until I saw them again. I couldn't fucking wait.

June

BPOV

"Where the hell is my wife? ISABELLA CULLEN. WILL MRS. ISABELLA CULLEN REPORT TO THE STAGE." I turned around abruptly to glance at the stage that was set up across the pool in my father's backyard.

I suppose after elementary school, huge graduation blow outs at the Chief's became a tradition. Kathleen had pulled out all the stops to celebrate the end of high school for her only for her only child and my oldest child.

There was food and dancing and cake and a freaking dunk tank. Thanks to our family's musical connections, the entertainment was topnotch as well. Several Swan artists, Vampire Sunrise, and a couple high school garage bands had all agree to play through out the evening.

Vampire Sunrise was two songs into their set and already Edward was being difficult.

"Look Em, I have embarrassed my daughter. Lighten up Ness, there are very are going to be very few of these opportunities for parental mortification before you go to Boston." His amplified voice boomed and the crowd of teens laughed.

Edward's eyes met mine and we exchanged bittersweet smiles.

Our baby had graduated from high school today. I was so damn proud of her, tears had been leaking from my eyes since I woke up this morning. They were so persistent that I had a hard time seeing Nessie walk across stage to accept her diploma. I managed though, as we all went a little crazy in the stands.

Nessie shocked her principal by hugging the stunned man after he handed of the leather contained certificate. She looked so pretty, smiling in the same burgundy robe Alice and Emmett and Rosalie and Jasper all donned almost two decades ago.

It had been another experience Edward and I missed out on, but it was well worth it because it meant we got Nessie.

She wore the locket that Edward gave her for her second birthday and at least a million pictures had been taken by various over eager photographers, myself included.

And now she was blushing at the base of the stage as she scowled up at her father.

"Bella," Rosalie said with a smirk. She elbowed me in the shoulder and I stumbled forward slightly. "You are being summoned."

When Vampire Sunrise took the stage, there was a freaking stampede of teenagers who rushed forward to be close to the rockstars in their midst. I, like the rest of the parents, had stayed by the buffet and tried to look impartial to the celebrities not very far away.

"Yes, Rosalie, get her up here. No use being shy! Come on sunshine, you are embarrassing your daughter!"

"Go on," Rose laughed, nudging my arm again. "I will keep an eye on the little ones."

I had no choice but to comply with his demands.

I meandered through the crowd, working my way to the stage, blushing all the while and focusing on not tripping.

My heart rate accelerated, its pounding beating between my ears. Adrenaline coursed through my system and I felt on the verge of passing out.

After of all these years of performing, one would think I would have out grown my ridiculous stage fright. But be it 60 high school graduates or 60 million on a worldwide broadcast, the nerves were always the same.

I felt like someone had viscously sucked out all my inner organs and replaced then with a plethora of butterflies.

And then everything was fine. My equilibrium was restored. Those fucking annoying butterflies were replaced with rainbows and sunshine and a familiar electricity that was both comforting and arousing at the same time.

Edward crouched as I approached, offering me a hand up. The very instant we made eye contact and he flashed me the crooked smile reserved just for me, all was right with my world.

"There you are," he said softly, pulling me onto the stage and slinging an arm around my shoulders as Seth handed me a banjo.

"Ladies, gentleman, esteemed high school graduates." The crowd in front of the stage went wild, cheering and hugging each other and jumping and fist bumping. I stifled a sigh when I saw the group of Nessie's girlfriends shooting lustful glances at my husband.

And in the very center of the crowd was my daughter, arms crossed over her chest as she attempted to look cool and aloof, as if she wasn't thrilled that her parents were doing this for her. A small version of the Edward smile played around her mouth and there was a twinkle in her eye, so I knew she was lovin' it.

"Now that my lovely wife has joined us—" Edward paused to allow for cheers that had a typical male timber. Well male besides the obscenely loud cat calls from Alice and Rosalie. Jasper even let out a yeehaw. "We are going to slow it down with a little ditty I wrote, oh about 18 years ago when the charming Vanessa was still in diapers. So this one is dedicated to all the graduates and us parents who feel like the diapers stage was yesterday."

Edward looked to me then, nodding for me to take the lead on the intro. He didn't need to say the song title, we all knew.

I plucked the first few notes, closing my eyes and sways slightly as I let the music infiltrate every crevasse of my being. No more thinking, only feeling. Seth joined in on the harmony and Sam introduced the understated bass line as Emmett cam in on a pair of bongs.

Everyone went acoustic for Nessie's lullaby.

Edward's voice softly joined the sweet, familiar melody and my eyes snapped open, searching out his green orbs that immediately locked onto mine. He slowly built the first verse that talked about how much he loved me and how young we were. By the last line he was really wailing into the mic, brows creased, head bent, looking so sexy in his passion.

I sang in response the next verse that expressed Edward lament that I had to find out alone. His eyes never left mine until the chorus.

Looking directly at our daughter below us, we sang about how all the fear dissipated the moment we heard her first wail. We sang about how we didn't understand family until we held her. We sang about how much we loved her, how we longed to see her grow. How we wanted to give her everything and knew we would because there had never being anyone who loved anything as much as we loved her.

We sang about how she had my eyes and his smile.

There were a lot of mother and daughter weeping by the end. And a lot of fathers and sons trying to hide their moist eyes.

I was not really sure when I started crying but I was and so was Ness. As the emotional crowd applauded, Edward and I knelt on the stage, having an awkward group hug with our little graduate.

"We love you Ness," I whispered, kissing her cheek. "Congratulations."

"We're really proud of you kid," Edward said, quite choked up himself.

"Thanks guys," Vanessa replied, squeezing us back tightly. "That was so beautiful. Now play something that freaking rocks! This is a party, you know!"

So we did. It was her special day and all.

July

EPOV

As thrilled as I was that my entire family (and my eldest's boyfriend) was on tour with me this summer, on occasion it was quite awkward.

Performing with Bella was the most divine form of foreplay.

On a standard night, Bella would do around four songs with us, sometimes coming out again for the encore. She would join us when we slowed things down (on of the guys always introduced her in a way that pissed me off, usually mentioning how hot she was) and stayed until after we speed it up again.

By the time we finished up "Kiss Me Like You Mean It", a pretty little ditty that just dripped sex, I really thought I was going to lose it. Bella danced around me, gyrating, scorching me with her gaze. Tonight, Bella was feisty. She licked her lips and flipped her hair over her shoulder.

Her eyes never left mine and they held promises that were setting me on fucking fire.

The crowd loved our chemistry and shows with Bella were always the most popular. Sometimes I felt a little weird, letting people in on something so personal, but when Bella was looking at me I didn't think about anyone else.

But then the song ended and Bella glanced at the crowd, blushing and bowing slightly before walking backwards off the stage. I knew she was about to disappear from sight, leaving me to finish the show, and I wasn't ready for that yet.

Pulling my guitar off my shoulders, I basically sprinted after my wife. I caught up with her, just as she was getting backstage. She squeaked in surprise as I turned her around by pulling on her wrist. I slammed her into a nearby wall, on hand around the throat as the other held my guitar away from our bodies.

I crushed my lips to hers, thrilled that she responded so quickly. Her hands dug into my hips, pulling me closer even as I ground my hips into hers.

"Oh my God, I am going to puke."

I pulled away from my beloved at the sound of my daughter's voice. Bella blinked up at me, a little stunned by the intensity of a kiss that lasted less then 7 seconds.

"Hello Vanessa, didn't see you there." Ness was glaring at me with her arms crossed while Bryan stood next to her, mouth agape.

"That was hot," Bryan whispered into Nessie's ear to my deep mortification. She punched him in the shoulder as I heard the band start the next song without me. There was a long intro, so I was doing ok on time.

"We are totally even for the couch incident," Nessie yelled, continuing to glare at us.

I looked down at Bella to see that she was furiously blushing, right down to her lovely breasts, no doubt.

But I couldn't think about that now. Thinking about Bella was what got me into all this embarrassment in the first place.

Bella made me do inappropriate things.

Then she kissed my jaw and shoved me back towards the stage, whooping loudly as I staggered back to finish the set.

"It was disgusting," Nessie said the next morning at breakfast, brandishing a piece of fruit off the end of her fork.

"Do we really have to go into this?" I groaned into my coffee as Bella placed a reassuring hand on my thigh. Charlie, sensing my distress, crawled from Bella's lap into mine. I kissed her cheeks as she happily stole my toast.

"Nessie," Emmett laughed from across the table. "I bet it was pretty PG compared to some of the shit I have witnessed."

"EMMETT!" yelled Rosalie, whacking my brother in the arm and gesturing towards the end of the table where Masen, Matt, and Chloe were giggling over their pancakes. "There are little ears present."

"Sorry Babe," Emmett said quickly before plowing on with his mission to embarrass Bella and me further. "But I think we should all just take a moment to remember the time when we caught Bella and Eddie up to no good in that supply closet."

"Shut up Emmett!" Bella, Rose, Nessie, and I all yelled at once.

"Also, you and Rosalie are so much worse then us," Bella pointed out.

"MOM! What is wrong with you people? You are old. I am your daughter. That is so gross," Nessie replied.

"Can we please change the subject?" I said tersely.

"I think it is kinda nice." All heads snapped to Bryan who was staring down at his meal with a faint blush.

Having him around was really not as big of a deal as I thought it would be. He was a hard worker and fit in well with our family. A little too well if you asked me, but his presence meant that Nessie was there too.

"How?" Nessie demanded, looking at her boyfriend as if she had never seen him before.

I wondered what would happen when Nessie went to college at the end of August.

"Well, they love each other," he said quietly. "It is just nice, to have parents that love each other."

Bella and I glanced at each other, smiling slightly. Nessie's face softened and she kissed his temple before changing the subject. I didn't even flinch at the contact. It felt good that despite our less then conventional family life, a little of the love was rubbing off on someone who didn't have a whole lot of it in their lives.

We were an undeniably wacky bunch with a complicated past. We argued and joked and talked loudly. Rosalie was scary, Alice could see the future, Jasper was constantly expounding historical facts, and Emmett was perpetually 12. I was a mopey rockstar and Bella, the sanest of the bunch, was still pretty quirky.

We loved hard.

Our kids were best friends, a perfect blending of our wackiness. We were constantly in the press and we had sold millions of records and Vampire Sunrise was a household name.

Somehow, Bella and I had managed to take all that love and all that crazy and create a life that surpassed all my dreams. It was perfect even in all its imperfections. I never imagined that I could have this much happy.

But we did.

August

NPOV

Growing up, I was always well aware that I was missing something.

Other kids would talk about their lives with their parents so casually, like having a mom and a dad who loved each other was no big deal.

Even as a little kid, I remember thinking that it was a very big deal.

I have retained more memories from my youth then most, I think because the present was so different then my life until I was ten. I loved both my parents and they loved me equally as fiercely, but I remember sensing sadness when they looked at me too.

My mom didn't like to talk to about my dad, and my dad seemed to live to hear me talk about my life with my mom. Neither could give me a straight answer as to why they couldn't even manage to be in the same room.

Aunt Alice gave me some straight answers, so did Aunt Rosalie. And in my ten-year-old little brain, I had visions of something out of a fairy tale. I imagined my parents as lovers, separated by an evil darkness. The way the other adults in my life talked, it seemed to me that it was only a matter of time until Mom and Dad found their way back to each other.

And I suppose we were all right.

My childhood was a less traditional then those of most of my friends from school. My dad was Edward Cullen, rockstar heartthrob. My mom was Isabella Swan, darling of the recording industry. Despite their busy careers, they made time for me. And not only made time, but loved the time we spent together.

Instead of dropping me off at daycare or hiring a nanny, I spent my time with Mimi and Popi Cullen. Carlisle read with me. Esme and I would sit in her garden or she would show me the inner workings of interior design. At the Chief's, I played with Colin my best friend/uncle. Kathleen taught us a thousand games.

Alice dressed me up. Jasper enthralled me with his tales of heroes and villains. Rosalie taught me how to change the oil in a car and Emmett let me bang away on his drums.

My mom often said I was raised by one crazy village.

And then there was the music. Always music. I loved the music almost as much as I loved my parents.

Then everything changed when I watched them get married on the stage in the mountains at the age of ten. My mom married my dad and I had a real family. We were the three amigos.

Their love was so apparent that I didn't get why it took so long for them to be together. I still don't, if I am being honest.

I was so happy. It was just the three of us. Life was perfect. And then Masen was born, and that was weird at first because I was used to being the only child, the center of attention, the only cute one. But then little baby Masen fell asleep in my arms the day he came home form the hospital and I fell in love with the little guy. The same happened with Charlie, four years later.

My heart ached as my limited time with them ticked by. I dreaded the coming goodbye. But it couldn't have been any worse then the one I had braved a few days ago.

My parents really loved each other. So much that it was disgusting at times. But because I grew up seeing that love, I knew that I would never settle.

Lots of boys liked me. And I liked some of them too. They were nice to look at and entertaining on occasion, but I didn't have much interest because I didn't look at them like my mom looked at my dad.

Until I met Bryan. He was different and after 2 months, part of me wanted to call off all my college plans to go to Boston and just stay with him forever.

He didn't like that much. So we were doing the whole long distance thing and I was looking at the whole situation as a test. If Bryan and I had what my parents had, then we would make it, even if it was hard.

I stared up at the red brick building that would be my home for the next few months, feeling so many different things. Excitement first, nerves at doing something totally new. I was thrilled do be on my own and already missing my boyfriend and my family. Beside me, Dad tugged on his hair and Mom bit her lip.

I wondered who was more nervous about moving in today, the parentals or me.

"So this is it, huh?" Pops said, looking up at the building from the city sidewalk and pulling me out of my head.

"Yup," I said, confirming this with the registration paper work I was given at orientation. We shouldered my duffels and picked up my boxes before following my fellow freshmen and their parents into the building.

I shared a smile with Mom when we got into the elevator. Dad was trying to conceal his famous face, at my request, by hiding behind a pair of sunglasses, a hood pulled over his signature messy hair. Already he was receiving skeptical looks from the other people in the elevator.

I didn't want everyone to know about my dad yet. I wanted them to know me first. But I couldn't hurt him by asking him not to move me in, so I would have to just deal.

We burst through the door to my room and were greeted by a very tall girl with very big hair sitting on one of the lofted beds.

"Hi! I'm Camille. Vanessa, right?" she asked, extending a hand after gracefully sliding off the bed.

Goddamn, she was tall.

"Yeah, Nessie," I corrected. "Nice to meet you."

"Ditto. Holy shit." And she saw my Dad. This was exactly why I chose to go to school so far away. I had to do something for just me. I had to accomplish something that wasn't overshadowed by my parents.

"Yes," I said, trying to not be annoyed. "That is Edward Cullen. Yes he is my dad. And yes, he is happily married."

Camille rushed to shake my parents hands before excusing herself to let me "get all settled in". I was thankful that she was giving me some privacy to unpack and say goodbye to my parents. The fact that she wasn't loitering around my dad gave me hope that we could actually be friends.

"It is kinda small, isn't it?" Dad said. He reached out his arms and was able to touch both beds at the same time.

"You are so cup half full, Edward," Mom said, poking her head in the empty closet. "I like it. It is cozy."

"It is just so… dorm-ish," Dad replied, making a face.

"Stop being a snob, you spoiled, spoiled rockstar." My mom smirked at her husband, wacking him in the shoulder playfully. I knew I had to intervene or they would banter back and forth forever.

"It is perfect!" I said, letting the full wattage of my smile light up my face. Because it was just what I pictured and wanted and best of all it was mine.

Mom smiled at me, putting an arm around my shoulders as we watched Dad putter around, grumbling and frowning and brooding in typical Edward Cullen fashion.

He was really handling the move a whole lot better then I thought.

After a few more minutes, it was finally time to say goodbye.

"I suppose it is time for us to go," my mom said, turning to me slowly. "Dragging out the goodbye only makes things more difficult."

"I know Mom. I am going to miss you," I hugged her tightly, hoping that she didn't cry because once she got going I would get going to.

"Oh Vanessa. We are so proud of you. Call us if you need anything. Remember we are just a plane ride away." All this was said through sobs and it was amazing that I understood her at all. But her message was loud and clear and shit, there were the tears.

She finally released me and we both turned to look at Dad who was staring thoughtfully out the window.

"I guess it is actually pretty cool," my dad said finally, apparently getting the mope out of his system. "I always wondered what it would be like to actually go to college. That is one thing neither your mom or I really experienced. I am really glad you get to Nessie. I am kinda jealous."

I smiled through my tears as my heart did funny things in my chest.

"It is pretty cool," I said quietly as my dad pulled me into his arms.

"I hope you realize this means I am going to be calling you all the time to get the little details," he said as he hugged me.

It didn't sound so bad to me so I just nodded.

"Like, I wonder what dining hall food is like."

Mom and I both laughed at this, his humor going a long was to help us get a handle on our tears.

"We love you Ness," he said, pulling my mom over into a group embrace. She nodded enthusiastically along with his words. "And we are so fucking proud. We are going to miss you like crazy, but your life is going to be pretty damn good."

With Dad's arms around Mom's shaking shoulders, they let me to get on with my new life. I watched them exit through my window and thought about my parent's words. I wondered if what felt like the beginning for me felt like the end to them.

And my dad was totally right. My life was going to be pretty damn great.

* * *

**Thank you and goodnight.**


End file.
